b l o g s
beyond her heart
burning cars
dooce
fresh boy, wide world
janet
life uncommon
niftygrrrl
red head
sellout
snob hair
superdork
twelve% beer
archives
pitas
other pitas
liquid2k -- pics
brinkster -- host pop-ups
enriching my experience
born magazine
disenchanted kingdom
our armageddon[*]
sexy losers
shaolim: our chat fu is strong
small spiral notebook
slinkstercool
spikespotting[dot]com
vagina pagina
c o n t a c t
email
aim
quick contact
design specs
design specs
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Wednesday, November 27, 2002, 7.42p
"Cry"
Faith Hill
If I had just one tear running down your cheek,
maybe I could cope; maybe I'd get some sleep.
If I had just one moment at your expense
maybe all my misery would be well spent.
Could you cry a little? Lie just a little?
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain?
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return.
So cry just a little for me.
If your love could be caged, honey,
I would hold the key, and conceal it underneath
that pile of lies you handed me.
And you'd hunt and those lies --
they'd be all you'd ever find!
And that'd be all you'd have to know for me to be fine.
And you'd cry a little, you'd die just a little
and baby, I would feel just a little less pain
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return --
so cry just a little for me.
Give it up baby -- I hear youre doing fine.
Nothing's gonna save me -- I see it in your eyes:
some kind of heartache; honey give it a try.
I don't want pity -- I just want what is mine!
So cry a little! Lie just a little!
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain!
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return!
...So cry just a little for me.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Saturday, November 23, 2002, 7.52p
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To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure what is going on anymore. It's not fun. It's not fair.
I miss everything that I thought I knew. Everything I thought I knew is over now. I have to be new, but I don't want to be to be honest with you. I want to spend lazy summers laying in his arms, I want to spend summer nights with all of them, I want to have a set schedule back there.
It all sucks. Growing up sucks hardcore. Really hardcore.
I miss him. I miss the him that he was. I miss the me that I was, and the way that things were.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, November 19, 2002, 3.58p
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Irony is a bitter, bitter thing. If I had only known what to say to FadeIn then, maybe he would know what to say to me now.
"I don’t know what’s going on. I’m here, in this city, living my life, doing my job, showing my scripts to the right people, getting involved in improv again. I’m doing all these little things here and there to get me closer to what I think I want. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do.
"And I’m still not happy.
"It’s strange. I know a large part of my unhappiness right now comes from the way I feel about Los Angeles. I just don’t like it as a city at all, especially not compared to Chicago.
"It’s fucking November 18th, and it’s 85 degrees here. It’s just so wrong.
"When you hate the city you live in, it’s almost like being in a bad relationship with someone you don’t love. You’re just tolerating it until you can figure out what to do.
"It makes me wonder about my life, question all my moves to this point. Is an eventually very lucrative career doing something that seems really, really fun worth torturing myself every day? What exactly am I willing to sacrifice for my career? Is the fact that I don’t like Los Angeles a sign that I shouldn’t be here?"
Amen to that!
---
But I'm getting help, and people have been so supportive of me. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow at 1 in the afternoon. I need to pick through the garbage floating in the water, try to find out what is salvageable in my life.
Honestly, right now? I don't know too much of what is salvageable. Everything that I thought I knew in life has been turned on it's ear. I don't know if I am coming or going.
I'm just tired of being sad all the time, that's all.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Friday, November 15, 2002, 9.20p
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Sitting here in my room, I can hear the concert going on in Redwood Hall. There is the generic STOMP performing. Some of the stuff that they are banging on is so loud that it's making my walls vibrate.
I'm not saying that they're not good or anything, just too loud.
[Sidenote: in the process of coming and going when it came to writing this entry, Generic STOMP let out and there are some idiots to whom someone handed drumsticks to, and girly-screaming and general disorder has insued. Some dude from the 3rd floor just screamed "SHUT UP!" ...I second that motion.]
In an effort to lead a more productive life, I've stayed out of my dorm as much as possible, and honestly, it's worked. If out and about, I don't get as miserable as I could. But still.
The major thing that I have learned about this campus is the definite apparent Highschool-Julia-ness of this campus. Meaning, that students spend a ton of time in their own dorm rooms, for whatever reason. The busiest hour of the day is about 11 in the morning, which is when the quad is absolutely swamped with about 250 out of 2,500 students that go here.
When Sarah and I walk the wuad to do this, that, and the other thing that our newly-conjoined bodies do together now, seeing two or more people sends us into a furror, and we figure that someone's having a party that no one invited us to.
In a nutshell, if the campus was busier in the daytime, I don't think that I would be so miserable being campus-bound.
And it's no secret: I'm going to a therapist to get some help. I might have some kind of stress disorder, which means that I need to a) talk it out, b) figure out a plan of action to reduce stress, and/or c) become heavily medicated. Who knows?
But anyway, I'm still being busy perusing the net. I will try to be a better blogger, I swear.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Thursday, November 7, 2002, 7.33p
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I'm sitting here in my shoebox dorm room, listening to the "Titanic" soundtack and basically being a total loser.
Go fig.
I wish Sarah weren't at work, because at least she and I could shirk our scholastic duties and bitch till the cows walk by (and I wouldn't be surprised if they did in this damn town) about how much Ashland (the city) sucks.
If someone told me back in high school that this was how I would be wasting my college years, I never would have believed it. And it's true: I am wasting it. Because I sat with my thumb up my ass about everything, I now live in a town slower than molasses where I'm convinced all there is to do in this town is drink (ha ha, Assland is a dry campus), or watch paint dry. I'm particularly fond of paint fumes, mind you.
If I could do it over again, knowing that post-Todd life was going to be like this, I would have moved to Chicago, Boston, or Pittsburgh. It would have been better for all parties involved. I can't take this damn town: I HATE IT HERE!
I should be cleaning my shoebox, but I'm updating in my blog, which is good. I'm such a loser.
I didn't want to end up here. I didn't think that my life would turn out like this. But it did, and here I am.
I'm trying to rip off it's head and piss down it's neck, but I just can't seem to muster the empatic energy that this requires.
By the way, Happy Birthday, Colin.
--
A Conversation I Had with Dadzilla:
[Dad]: this is fun! mom installed this on the basement computer.
[Me]: you like being able to talk to people without having to pick up a phone, eh?
[Dad]: you know phones and me. One of my co-workers saw me fiddling with my phone and she said 'oh, you hgave a new toy.' i had to correct her: not a toy, a burden.
[Me]: lol, an utter burdon.
[Dad]: i told her i only want to learn one new thing a week. but i haven't even done that. when i forget to take it along, i'm relieved.
[Me]: lol, dad: that is priceless.
[Dad]: i got you some skor bars at Gabes
[Me]: oooooo!!! I love skor. They have Skor Ice cream bar thingies at Convo. all the weight that I'm losing walking is firmly fighting with all the ice cream i eat after meals.
[Dad]: walking. huh. the place is a small campus: no hills, no steps, kwitcherbitchin
You just can't please some people.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, November 5, 2002, 10.32p
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Nyquil! Nyquil! My kingdom for some Nyquil!
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, November 5, 2002, 5.13p
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Again, I love to steal ideas from Jacqui, because I am boring and unoriginal (really, it's just that I kind of look up to her).
According to Beliefnet.com's test on beliefs, I'm 100% Reform Jew, and, ironically, 10% Roman Catholic (the very last one on the list). I'm more Quaker than I am New-Age. Oh, life is full of ironies when you take quizzes on a rainy day.
Reform Jew
Belief in Deity
Beliefs vary among adherents, including that of nonbelief or questioning belief, and all are welcome and considered personal, but the official stance is that there is one God Almighty--Creator, all-powerful, ever-present, and all knowing--formless, incorporeal spirit.
Incarnations
None, as only God is worshipped. Moses was the greatest of all prophets.
Origin of Universe and Life
Most believe that Genesis is to be understood symbolically. God created and controls all phenomena revealed by modern science.
After Death
Reform Jews believe in the world to come and a messianic age (but no individual Messiah). Personal beliefs in the details of afterlife are diverse, as there is no official position. Some believe in heaven and hell but only as states of consciousness; some believe in reincarnation; some believe God is all-forgiving; and some may not believe in an actual afterlife. Regardless, Judaism generally focuses on living a virtuous life, rather than working toward reward after death.
Why Evil?
No original sin. Most often, Satan is interpreted symbolically to represent selfish desires that are inherent within all. God gave people free will, and people are responsible for their actions.
Salvation
The main emphasis is on living the kind of life that God commands, which will surely be rewarded if there is an afterlife. Most believe God is forgiving of all; there is no hell to which some are condemned. Salvation is achieved through faith and prayer to God, good works, concern for the earth and humanity, and behavior that does no harm to others. The extent to which one follows Jewish Law is an individual decision.
Undeserved Suffering
God gave humans free will to feel pleasure and pain, and his purpose in allowing deep suffering of the innocent must be good even if mysterious. It is generally believed that God suffers along with the sufferer. More important than knowing why God allows suffering is to work to help those in need.
Contemporary Issues
Judaism holds that human life begins upon first breath, and Jewish law requires abortion if necessary to save the mother's life prior to birth. Most believe potential human life should never be terminated casually, but it is generally regarded as a personal decision, especially within the first 40 days of pregnancy. Homosexuality: Homosexuals are God's creation, and Jewish instruction is to love our neighbors as ourselves. Reform (and Conservative) Judaism have a long history of support for homosexual rights.
Roman Catholic
Belief in Deity
Trinity of the Father (God), the Son (Christ), and the Holy Spirit that comprises one God Almighty--incorporeal spirit.
Incarnations
Jesus Christ is God's only incarnation, Son of God and God.
Origin of Universe and Life
A literal interpretation of the Book of Genesis is held by some, but the Church maintains that God gave humankind both supernatural revelation in the Bible and natural revelation through the rational human mind. One may harmonize science with the book of Genesis, in that a "day" in the Bible is not defined as a 24-hour day. It is infallible that God created the universe from nothing, thus if the "Big Bang" theory is true, then God created this event. If evolution did occur, it only occurred under the choice and control of God, and only with the understanding that God breathed the first soul into the first man and all souls are immediately created by God.
After Death
God immediately judges who will go directly to heaven or hell; most will go to purgatory for punishment and purification. Reward and punishment are relative to one's deeds. Hell is traditionally considered a literal place of eternal torture, but the pope has described hell as the condition of pain that results from alienation from God, a thing of one's own doing, not an actual place. Christ will return to judge all for eternity in heaven on earth or hell.
Why Evil?
Original sin. All are sinners and prone to the influence of Satan unless they find salvation in God and the hurch.
Salvation
All are already saved (through Christ's death and resurrection), are still being saved (through the Church), and will be saved in the future (second coming of Christ). Demands faith in and prayer to God and Jesus Christ, good works, and sacraments, including only one (infant) baptism. One's salvation must be restored after commission of a mortal sin by repeating the sacraments of repentance/confession and communion.
Undeserved Suffering
Some suffering is caused by the inheritance of mortality originating from Adam and Eve's disobedience to God, which includes vulnerability to illness and disease. Also, Satan rules the earth, causing pain and suffering. Suffering is God's design to test, teach, or strengthen belief in Him; the greater the suffering of innocent believers, the greater will be their reward after life.
Contemporary Issues
Abortion is considered to be a form of murder, an act worthy of excommunication. Homosexuality is a sin. Women are afforded the highest regard as mothers and wives. Marriage is considered a sacrament and permanent; divorce and remarriage are not acceptable unless the first marriage is annulled. Remarriage after divorce results in inability to receive sacraments.
Other Beliefs
The pope is the head of the Roman Catholic Church. He and the magisterium (the teaching authority of the Church) clarify doctrine. Mary, the mother of Jesus, is highly revered, though not worshipped. Saints are asked to intercede on behalf of sinners.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Monday, November 4, 2002, 8.40p
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Taken from a little muse at NiftyGrrrl from ColorQuiz.com
Your Existing Situation
Sensitive and understanding but under some strain; needs to unwind in the company of someone close to her.
Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition.
Your Actual Problem
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards.
---
My Mental Archetype from Colorgenics.com
The Map
"The Map" personality is often deeply and intimately involved in the world. This world however is usually inside their own minds. Thoughtful to the extreme, this type is often obsessed with perfection and the rules governing their own personal interest.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Friday, November 1, 2002, 3.31
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Friday Five
1. Were you raised in a particular religious faith?
Roman Catholic.
2. Do you still practice that faith? Why or why not?
Hell no. I don't believe in religion anymore. I'm not even sure I believe in God.
3. What do you think happens after death?
I don't want to think that death is the end, so I comfort myself in believing that our energy goes back to the stars.
4. What is your favorite religious ritual (participating in or just observing)?
Christmas. I'm sorry, I like getting gratuitous rewards for being in a Catholic family.
5. Do you believe people are basically good?
Yes, I belive that the Divine Spark in humanity is good.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Thursday, October 31, 2002, 6.21p
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So I've made sure that I've been doing my homework lately, this sense of accomplisment is something that I enjoy. I have time now to tidy my room and make sure that my stuff is taken care of.
It largely feels like busy work, I'm really looking forward to going out to a Halloween party tonight, and tomorrow night, and maybe even Saturday night. I'm gonna be pooped, but I'm gonna look good;)
Not much else is going on, I'm not really eating again, but I couldn't tell you why that is. I just don't really feel like it, to tell you the truth. I skipped my Wednesday morning class because I had a rough Tuesday and Tuesday night on the phone with Colin; and Wednesday, I couldn't fall asleep because I fucked up three rolls of SweetTarts. I had enough sugar running through my veins to fell an elephant, so I missed my three hour drawing class.
And -- I don't know what it is -- but when you are laying in bed at 3 in the morning, thinking how you have to get up in five hours to go to the most boring three-hour class in the universe, therein is where you say, "You know what? I'm sleeping in." So I did.
But yes, I'm not sure what to do now, I think I'm going to continue cleaning and organizing, then get ready for the party. I'm going as a bar wench, I have a big frilly skirt, a peasant blouse, and a corset. I'm gonna be HOT, man!
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, October 29, 2002, 8.45a
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A quiz for my loverly Colin:
Artistic and maybe even a bit shallow, you belong to the clan of the Toredor. You have a keen eye for pretty things. The embrace is looked on as perserving all beautiful things for eternity. You are the sensual vampires that you hear people talk about that seduce to get what they want. This clan is the one thought of as being the spoiled sort who want to get what they want. However, you usually work right under the ventrue clan as they try to carry out their plans. What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?
Test Created By
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Sunday, October 27, 2002, 8.28a
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Taken from a paper for my Freshman Comp Course; written about my grandmother's death. My professor has dubbed it, "the dream walk":
Sometimes, when I dream, I walk through that empty house, the salmon colored walls spacious and empty, supporting a roof high and expansive, like Atlas and his globe. I’ll walk up and in through the garage, my feet echoing on the floor, her car is gone, but the oil stains and slicks are still there. Into her living room, where I want to see her furniture, her magazines and bills vomiting themselves from the millions of stacks onto the floor, into every nook and cranny of furniture…there is nothing. I can see the shadows of everything over, but it’s like a transparent film over heavy paper – it’s confusing and annoying – I only want to see one thing at a time.
I walk the long hallway from the living room to my grandmother’s room. I feel like I’m a 90 rpm record moving on a 45 rpm machine. It’s slow, each footstep is heavy and echoes like a gunshot in the hall. I drag my fingers along, feeling the stucco like Braille, pushing my fingers up and down in a Morse code that I can’t read and no one can hear. My hand rises and falls in a trail as my feet make me rise and fall; I can feel every bone hit with force with my steps, the sound of my feet echoing in my ears like a heartbeat.
Her bedroom is empty. Her bed is not there, there is no Irish-knit blanket at the foot, folded neatly so that the fraying hole doesn’t show. There are no pictures of her family, pictures from the past, pictures from my cousin’s wedding. Her clothes do not hang in the closet, and the doors hang open like gaping jaws, aghast at the horror. This emptiness is like a puncture wound, deep and sucking. I can feel the hope of Gram returning flowing from my body, slipping past me like a fish in silk. I reach to grab a trailing ribbon to pull her back to me, but it slips through my tear-slicked fingers.
What else is there for me here? I sit on the floor, and cry, the world suddenly sharp, acute, and flying by way too fast.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Wednesday, October 23, 2002, 1.13p
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The weather in Ashland today is miserable. This morning, my computer weatherstation said that it was 39 degrees, but it felt warmer than that. Now, the computer saids that it is 45 degrees, but my face was red and chapped when I got back in.
My face, let's not get into that. All I can say is that I need to start taking my Bactrim regularly again.
I got four letters in the mail yesterday, one each from my aunt and uncle, one from Maria, and one from a crafting catalog I recieved a free subscription to. I have to send out some ltters to them, and I sent a letter last night to a good friend, because I was in a letter-spunky mood.
I got out of class at 12, and don't have anything set until about 9:30, but here is a tenative list of the things that I would like to get done today:
finish revising my essay
get my yearbook photo taken
-- straighten my hair/do makeup
tidy my room
-- finish ironing my blouses
hang halloween decorations
make halloween greetings for my friends
nap hardcore
Anyway, Todd, I am sorry that you have been plagued with all of this misfortune. All I can say is that please, pleasxe try to hang in there. Life is not in all of the misfortunes, all of the downfalls, and all of the bad things that happen: it's the lessons you learn and smiles you have.
To nap or not to nap? I think I shall contemplate that from the comfort of my bed....
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Thursday, October 17, 2002, 12:31 a.m.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, October 15, 2002, 9.24p
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Whatever your bottle of Sudafed tells you it will do to you, do not beleive it! It lies, it wants to tell you that it is okay, it wants to get into your system, where it will wreak havoc! HAVOC I tell you!!
On the bottle, it says (and I quote), "May cause restlesness."
...okay, so I just read the "may" part just now...
AT any rate! I'm sitting there, waiting for my glorious "Buffy" to come on, and I took my Sudafed for this killer whatever-it-is I got, and sat, waiting for it to come on. Well, I blink, swear to God, I just blinked, and next think I know, it's 9:00 and I slept for an hour-and-a-half, right through "Buffy"!!
Sudafed lied to me. The bastard.
---
I'm proud of Ben; I'm proud that he found a niche where he is reading about things that he loves. He bought a book about samurai's a while ago, and if I remember correctly, it's the first time I've ever seen my brother read outside of school. Also, this book would make me cringe with it's tiny little type and the fact that, to me, it reads like a textbook. But he loves it, and he's really into it.
My dad also brought him home some book from the library about samurai's or something about China/Japan, and the aristocracy or something like that (you can tell I'm not really good at remembering much of anything -- damn Sudafed -- that shit will steal your soul if you let it!!), and he can't put it down.
I'm glad that Ben has found a niche of some sort that will actually teach him something, rather than give him sore thumbs, carpal tunnel syndrome, and headaches.
I need to find something, too. Right now, it's kind of a day-to-day existence for me. I need to find something that fills me (other than school).
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Monday, October 14, 2002, 5.53p
"It Doesn't Matter"
Alison Krauss and Union Station
It doesn't matter what I want;
It doesn't matter what I need;
It doesn't matter if I cry;
Don't matter if I bleed.
You've been on a road --
Don't know where it goes or where it leads.
It doesn't matter what I want;
It doesn't matter what I need;
If you've made up your mind to go;
I won't beg you to stay.
You've been in a cage --
Throw you to the wind you fly away.
It doesn't matter what I want;
It doesn't matter what I need;
It doesn't matter if I cry;
Don't matter if I bleed.
Feel the sting of tears --
Falling on this face you've loved for years.
(lyrics from STLyrics[dot]com)
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Friday, October 11, 2002, 11.48p
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Friday Five:
1. If you could only choose 1 cd to ever listen to again, what would it be?
Our Lady Peace, "Gravity".
2. If you could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?
"The Crow" (1993) and "The Saint" (1997).
3. If you could only choose 3 books to read ever again, what would they be?
"White Oleander," by Janet Fitch, "Beauty: the New Basics," by Rona Berg, and "Hannibal," by Thomas Harris.
4. If you could only choose 4 things to eat or drink ever again, what would they be?
1) Oregon Chai tea -- iced; 2) french fries and cream cheese; 3) Coke; 4) Easy Mac.
5. If you could only choose 5 people to ever be/talk/associate/whatever with ever again, who would they be?
1) Ben; 2) Colin; 3) Todd; 4) John; and 5) Jo/Michelle (they are together, always will be).
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Monday, October 7, 2002, 11:37p
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A cracked-out conversation with Colin:
[Colin]: Dude you have to have some big ass balls to play that game for more than 5 [minutes].
[Julia] You're a freak.
[Colin]: No, I am normal that that game almost makes me shit my pants. And the other thing is when you paged, I unloaded a clip into a garbage can because it scared the hell out of me.
[Julia]: Into a garbage can? had I been in that game watching you [on your team], I would have peed myself laughing.
[Colin]: lol. That is not funny -- it was scary all I heard was "beep beep be beep beep beep" and I thought it was a blip in the game at first, and I was like, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatat tat tat tat.... "Oh wait, that was my pager."
[Julia]: That is way too funny.
[Colin]: What if it was a scary big-head alien that wanted to ream my asshole? Then again, it wasn't...it was a grbage can filled with paper.
[Julia]: Man, what did that garbage can ever do to you Colin? You didn't have to unload a clip in it.
[Colin]: Well...to be honest...it wasn't just a clip, it was a grande or two also.
[Julia]: *"Grenade". Whoa, Colin, overkill?! What'd it do, give you a papercut?
[Colin]: No, it helped scare me.
[Julia]: So did the pager?
[Colin]: Yeah, it helped; and had I had an actual gun I probably would have shot around it.
[A little later in the conversation.]
[Julia]: When I can't spell makes me feel even more stupid. (But I'm sure you know what that's like, lol).
[Colin]: lol. Yes I do.
[Julia]: Julia:1, Colin:0
[Colin]: to hsa
[Colin]: *"Sha"
[Julia]: *"Touche".
[Colin]: Whatever.
[Julia]: It's french for "touch", it's a fencing term when you poke your opponent with the foil.
[Julia]: Julia:2; Colin:0.
[A little later in the conversation.]
[Julia]: So what, it's like, Julia:2; Colin:1 (gratuity points for playing)?
[Julia]: You know what, you deserve another gratuity point for shooting the crap out of a defenseless garbage can.
[Colin]: Damn straight I do.
[Colin]: Fuck that garbage can up.
[Julia]: So you want the gratuity point, even though you havent really earned either?
[Colin]: Hell yes.
[Colin]: You know what is fucked up about that game? There are like 8 people in that squad and they are alwasy sending me out on my own!!
[Julia]: that's because they know you're tirgger happy and the aliens will come into one spot to kill your dumb ass which makes them targets for the other people in your squad.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Monday, October 7, 2002, 10.01p
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I got my first A in college today. Surprisingly enough, it was in REL106, and the professor is abolutely begging me to be in his other classes. I'm seriously thinking about going for it. What could it hurt, I guess? Call it an elective.
I freak myself out to bad, sometimes, looking at raunchy sites with raunchy pictures. I ahev the willies now and am asolutely not having children -- too many birth defects. Yuck.
Okay, I think I'm gonna go for now. It's so cold, and all I want is a hot shower.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Sunday, October 6, 2002, 9.49p
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I think that people have been expecting me to comment on my breakup with Todd, so I guess this is it.
We were too far apart.
We have both changed.
I believe it was time for both of us to move on.
We're still good friends.
We have 2 years, 3 months, and 18 days worth of memories.
I'm not sure what else there is to say. All I can say to you, Todd is something that you might find inspiring (you know how I'm always recommending books, lol). It's by RivkaT, called "Folly":
And as she promised herself, there came a day that she didn't think of him. There came a night that she didn't dream of him, dying or dead or making love to her or killing her all the ways he knew how.
Then a week.
Then a month. And one night, walking to her car, staring up at the stars glowing in the black sky above Virginia, her breath white in front of her face, she felt herself let go--let go of the great weight in her stomach, the great hole inside her through which she'd been pouring herself out. It was as if someone had changed the lens with which she saw the world so that she suddenly perceived it as it was meant to be. The world was clean and cold and balanced, and everything had crisp edges. Even her hands almost glowed in the starlight. She knew what had to be done.
She'd been immobilized in her reconstructed life too long.
The truth was Out There. Not in the past, but waiting to be discovered.
Waiting for her.
She went out to meet it.
---
It may help, it may not. I've found it comforting.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Wednesday, October 2, 2002, 3.16p
TrekPhile47: I just sneezed, and i know I blew snot somewhere, but I don't know where it is.
Foxx832001: That was kinda............what the hell? You blew snot somewhere and lost it?
TrekPhile47: Totally. I was like, "Wait, where'd it go?"
Foxx832001: Eeeeeeeeeeeeew. There's a roving piece of snot in your room
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Monday, September 30, 2002, 11.24p
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I swear that I am trying to write more often, but I worry that what I have to say isn't important anymore. Even Isaac has passed me up in the blogging department. And I mean that in the kindest jest, my dear.
I didn't beleive it when people told me that it takes about a month to settle in. It does, I'm finally starting to feel "at home" here, even though this is my new home. I'm missing Binkles terribly; I didn't think that I was as close to him as I have realized. His ass needs to be online more often.
Desperately Needed:
Quarters for the washing machine
Posters for my room
Laptop
Phone cards
Assorted small bills ($1, $5)
Anyone who is feeling particularly generous, and I know that I'm not going to find a laptop in the mail, you can send stuff to me at:
Julia Zettl
Box 269
Ashland College
Ashland, OH
44805
Love me, please? I love all of you.
---
Janet, hon. I can't read your blog. It would be spectacular if you could pick a name without and underscore in it. But I'm not here to throw your whole world outta whack.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Sunday, September 29, 2002, 10.12p
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I've been leaving this place empty and are, with only hints and whispers as to my current goings-on. I'm sorry, I'm a bad, rude blogger.
To be honest, my life is pretty boring, save some of the interactions that I have had with some of my fellow college-mates. Some people here are supercool (Dan, Sarah, Jo, and Michelle) and some people are downright scary (Crazy Todd aka Beret Boy). Why is it that the scariest guy on campus has to have Todd's name? That's totally not koser; some people have gotten it confused into thinking that my boyfriend is Crazy Todd.
For the record: I'm not dating Crazy Todd. That thought makes my brain retch.
Cleaned my room. Looks boring and clinical. Something about this all doesn't seem real. I keep waiting for "Camp Ashland" to be over and my parents come pick me up for the school year. How miserable.
Dammit, I need a life.
Colin, blog you idiot!
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Friday, September 27, 2002, 10.41p
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Friday Five:
1. What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind?
Sleep, but really, I like showers.
2. What do you do the moment you get home from work/school/errands?
I seriously think about crawling up into bed, but I turn on the radio instead.
3. What are your favorite aromatherapeutic smells?
Green Tea Therapy by Calgon, and Rose by any company.
4. Do you feel more relaxed with a group of friends or hanging out by yourself?
I totally prefer to hang out with at least one other person, but I am comfortable by myself.
5. What is something that you feel is relaxing but most people don't?
I could say picking my nose, but that would be wrong. But really, I like to pluck my eyebrows and relax.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, September 24, 2002, 4.58p
Cipar 222: fuck me if im wrong but have we had sex before?
TrekPhile47: in that case, yes
Cipar 222: ouch
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Monday, September 16, 2002, 10.58p
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Found Site: PhotoSig; it works for photo enthusiasts like myself.
We had a fire drill at Clayton today, at 9-farking-p.m. at night. I sucked ass so hard: I left my insurance card, my grandmother's picture and pearls, my special rings, and my money in the dorm. I would have died had they gone up in flames.
Anyway, still adjusting to some things. Eating alone is bugger all. I hate that a lot. It's time to start doing homework while I eat. It might be the only way to kill those two birds at all, let alone with one stone....
My hair's black again. I feel comfortable again with that.
Nothing else, really. Tomorrow is my half-birthday. Halfway to 19, 2.5 years until 21. I can hardly contain my excitement.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Sunday, September 15, 2002, 8.07p
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Oh my, 27 Months already?! Where did the time go?
Baby, don't drink so much, please.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Friday, September 13, 2002, 11.08a
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Friday Five
1. What was/is your favorite subject in school? Why?
I'm going to go with college: my favorite subject would have to be my Freshman Comp 101 class becuase I adore my professor, he's so cool and down-to-earth. I mean, he came in the firt day and goes, "Holy SHIT". You have to love a teacher like that.
2. Who was your favorite teacher? Why?
Highschool My favorite teacher had to be...um, God. I would say Mrs. Buzalka, but she left. Oh! Mrs. Blakely has to have been my favorite teacher. She was so nice, and so funny.
3. What is your favorite memory of school?
My favorite memory of high school is definitely the people that I hung out with and the relationships that I developed. I don't really give a shite about anything else.
4. What was your favorite recess game?
Tag. To bad somedumbass has outlawed it as too dangerous. In my day, you got poked in the eye with a sharp stick for fun. Kids these days...too protected.
5. What did you hate most about school?
Same thing I hate the most about now in college...homework!
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Saturday, September 7, 2002, 11.22a
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Friday Five
1. What is your biggest pet peeve? Why? Being second-guessed. THere are reasons why I've made m chouces, don't lead me to believe I'm stupid because you're ignorant.
2. What irritating habits do you have? Well, Colin says I have this bad habit of mumbling statements and not repeating them. I guess that can be pretty annoying.
3. Have you tried to change the irritating habits or just let them be? I don't even notice that I do them, I suppose. ...Okay, well I do, but I royally hate repeating myself.
4. What grosses you out more than anything else? Why? Hmmm, that's a hard one. I would have to say seeing someonevomit grosses me out more than anyone else. I don't like seeing dinner and a movie in reverse, yanno?
5. What one thing can you never see yourself doing that other people do? Making an embarrassment of myself. I have this big issue with "public facade".
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, September 3, 2002, 9.33p
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There is a rather unattracticve ladybug infestation in the bathroom on my floor. I don't know if this is a chronic problem or what. All I know is that I don't like having to share the already nasty shower with ladybug carasses. It's not right.
I don't know when I am going to get used to my course schedule. Tuesdays are the worst, it feels like all I do is sit in class on Tuesday. Tomorrow will be easier, I'm out at two.
Tired and overtoasty. Time to go outside. Maybe read "White Oleander" for the ninth time.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, August 27, 2002, 2.29p
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I really, really think that college has been the best thing that I have ever done with my life (aside from certain other things). I love it here at Ashland and I've made some really great friends; but -- in all honesty -- I miss living in the city.
But I like living on my own and doing my own thing. The only thing that looks like it will be a mini-issue is the time that I have in between classes, which on Tuesday is very screwed, because I have classes from 9a to 9p with one-hour breaks. Tuesdays are the bane of my existence.
Keeping my room clean is going to be ahrd, too: but I don't have to worry about a roomie anymore, so it's not that big of a deal.
I have class in a half hour, and I still have to enter all of my syllabi into my calendar. Shoot me.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Friday, August 23, 2002, 9.40p
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OH MY GOD!!! LOOK!
LOOK!!
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Friday, August 23, 2002, 9.32p
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Friday Five Time:
1. What is your current occupation? Is this what you chose to be doing at this point in your life? Why or why not? I'm poor, bored and unemployed. No, it's not what I wanted to be doing with my life -- I wanted to have a job I liked, but no employer liked me. Ain't that a bitch. I'd rather marry someone wealthy.
2. If time/talent/money were no object, what would your dream occupation be? Besides marry someone wealthy? Be an artist.
3. What did/do your parents do for a living? Has this had any influence on your career choices? My mother is an insurance agent, and my father is a technical writer for Phillips (as in, the big Phillips-Magnivox company, that makes all that cool electronic sh*t). It has inspired me to not be either.
4. Have you ever had to choose between having a career and having a family? Not yet; but I don't want snot-nosed brats, so that's not an opiton.
5. In your opinion, what is the easiest job in the world? What is the hardest? Why? The easiest job in the world would have to be a student -- you do what you have to do, be at the class you have to be in and write papers -- you don't really have anything else to worry about. The worst job in the world would have to be Port-O-Potty drainer -- you figure it out.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, August 20, 2002, 111.05a
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Survey Taken from Jaqui's Blog
Seven things that scare you (in no particular order):
1. going to college
2. failure
3. being alone -- all alone
4. not bening able to cope
5. ants crawling on me
6. pregnant women
7. not having a place
Seven things you love (in no particular order):
1. todd
2. my brother
3. the mailman's kid
4. my very close friends
5. Jewel's music
6. James Marsters
7. "White Oleander"
Seven things you hate (in no particular order):
1. when i cannot cope
2. those who tortured me
3. when people invite themselves over
4. being tickled on my knee
5. chaw -- enough said
6. being afraid
7. when my mom irks my nerve
Seven things in your room (in no particular order):
1. two "the crow" posters
2. stuff from todd
3. Allure magazines
4. a washburn and a supersonic guitar
5. my bed ... well, duh
6. my stereo
7. cookie
Seven random facts about you (in no particular order):
1. i love kahlua and cream
2. my favorite color is black
3. i can't remember my real hair color
4. i'm a bit of a feminist
5. my gram taught me how to be classy
6. i don't have religion
7. i have goofy ribs
Seven things you plan to do before you die (in no particular order):
1. travel -- everywhere
2. name my cat "buttmuncher"
3. be an artist
4. live in a nice house
5. meet james marsters
6. have a conversation with a godhead
7. i want to walk the fields of a prairie
Seven things you can do (in no particular order):
1. sing
2. write poetry and novels
3. create a web page
4. i can sew
5. love and be loved in return
6. be eclectic
7. do awesome makeup
Seven things you can't do (in no particular order):
1. pee standing up
2. run long distance
3. play the guitar
4. balance my checkbook -- just like my dad
5. read sheet music
6. a handstand
7. say the alphabet backwards
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Monday, August 19, 2002, 12.23a
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It's t-minus 6 days and counting. I'm think about all of the people I "get" to leave behind. And I'm sad. My parent's have me living out of cardboard boxes. I honest-to-God feel that this is really traumatizing -- this whole damn thing. This is not how I wanted to leave.
I'm beginning to wonder how exactly I am going to cope. I think I might be a mess.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Friday, August 16, 2002, 6.30p
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I got my cartilage pierced on Wednesday. Todd went with me, and it was one of those spur-of-the-moment things. Since ninth grade at Andrews, I have wanted a piercing in the middle of the rim of my ear; and now, four years later, I finally have it.
I guess the coolest part about it was it was the first decision that I have made. Sounds trite, yes. But it was the first thing that I decided to do for myself that I got to sign for. Something that I didn't have to take my parent's wants into consideration. It was all for me.
Unfortunately, the damn thing hurts worse than the devil. I can't tell you how many times I saw stars when I accidentally knocked into my ear or someone else knocked into it. I flinch every time someone comes even remotely near it.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Wednesday, August 14, 2002, 3.33p
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Clothes Shopping Extraveganza
Colin and I went clothes shopping. I figured I needed some swanky stuff for school.
What I Got
-- Pants: by Express; black low-riders with snap closure; flare style
-- Pants: denim; dirt-wash low-riders; tie closure; flare stlye
-- Skirt: full-length, tulle skirt; black background with green designs
-- Shirt: black; long sleeve; lace-up back
-- Underwear: three pairs of panties, two bras
-- Boots: by Candies; black; four-inch heels; mid-calf length
Dude, I lucked out.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Monday, August 5, 2002, 7.09p
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How my brother and I converse, for the most part...
TrekPhile47: rargh
Ziegfeld45: p
TrekPhile47: q
Ziegfeld45: w
TrekPhile47: g
Ziegfeld45: b
TrekPhile47: k
Ziegfeld45: t
TrekPhile47: z
Ziegfeld45: I'm done with you....
TrekPhile47: gee, thanks
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Thursday, August 1, 2002, 5.05p
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I got my hair dyed red today. What you can't see is that since having my hair black and lighten naturally, the red is only vibrant red at the roots. It's cool. Colin says it's all "flamy".
I'm starting to get all this mail since it's my last month here. It's getting wierd, I'm starting to get that adult feeling. I have a pretty good feeling that I am going to write a whole lotta letters to people. I got a stationary set from England, and it's really nice paper with a flower pressed into it. And my uncle sent me a Sheaffer fountain pen, which I have been putting some serious miles on. I'm halfway through the first cartridge -- but I have six more, so you don't see me whining -- yet.
Life is on the upswing. At least, my literary life. I feel like I am building a nice social collection. I'm like my mom like that -- I like having very nice things to show the outside world. Ask Colin: he's listened to the brunt of it, he was there when I opened my fountain pen. He knows that I am a high-class type of girl. Gram was a lot like that too.
That's what I miss about Gram the most. I look at my jewelry -- all the jewelry that she as well as others bought me, and I bought for myself. I wish that I had more places to wear it. I'm to expensive for people, lol. I just wish that when Gram and I used to go to lunch, I wore my nice jewelry and nice clothes. Gram had this fantastic way of making me feel like such an adult, not a lot of people make me feel like an adult. But, it's getting better -- now that I am leaving.
The other thing that Gram had that I got the biggest kick out of was "mad money" -- money you always kept in your pocketbook to use when your date got fresh and you had to call a cab to go home. That's so clever, and it seems so farkin' classy. I'm going to have to do that.
But I am going to have to get a pocketbook.
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, July 30, 2002, 11.04a
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Damn straight!
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, July 30, 2002, 1.16a
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Today was nice. Someone bought me film and 5X7 photo paper, so I will be handing in favors for the next few years. So, being the photographer that I am, I took some pictures already...go me.
I also went to the Rythm Room to see Colin play. It was interesting. He plays well, and everyone got a kick out of "Pop Star" -- which is a funny-ass song. He plays well, and he knows how to romance the crowd. Now, he needs to play in a room packed full of women. (Ultimate fantasy, what?)
Okay, I am going to go to bed now. College shopping should commence soon. I'm getting excited. I'm going to have to give away some of my stuff for people to hold while I am at school. Any takers?
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Tuesday, July 30, 2002, 1.02a
[Lea]: yup. im really learning that you cant change people and you either accept them for who they are or move on and i think with her im moving on.
TrekPhile47: I think that is a good, wise decision. It's hard, though, for me at least, to not try to control people...a little bit.
[Lea]: well i didnt say im that good at it. i just realize it not that that does a lot.
TrekPhile47: no, realizing it is a proactive thing, soon enough, it will become like breathing.
[Lea]: wait now with breathing its in and then out right?
TrekPhile47: yes, unless you're going out, in -- out, in -- out, in -- out, in. then, all bets are off.
[Lea]: lol
TrekPhile47: i don't know what to tell you, then, that's some backwards shit, man
[Lea]: o julia ive missed you
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The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
The Dreaming V9 :: Simpleton
Saturday, July 27, 2002, 12.56a
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Archived. Which is always a dumb thing to say when you archive.
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Copyright © 2002 Julia Zettl, all rights, responsibility, and reserve.
Remember, stealing is wrong.
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