Sunday, October 31, 2004

my greatest fear..?

im alone at home.. i feel sooo lonely.. boohoo. Tash is at work, Dickhead is out somewhere.. i finished the content of my TS seminar yesterday.. woohoo! but im not so sure on what to do for the interaction part. Debate? its been done twice.. would me doing it make it bad? i dont care!! i'm gonna debate baby! err...

oh btw, Happy Halloween everyone!! hahahah.. there's this ice cream van that's been coming through Maryvale St the past couple of weeks, complete with that loud "happy" music blaring from its speakers. i didnt see it until today! now wishing i bought some ice cream...

ok the exams are in 3 weeks.. i am so not prepared.. but i cant afford to fail!! if i fail Phys, which i think i will, i might just get sent back home for not meeting my Visa conditions.. AAARRRHHHH!!! this sucks. what will i do then!? this week i realised what one of my fears was. i've been enclosed in the safe walls of IJ for 10 years of my life.. i was secure there. no worries. no fears. i was happy. no care for the future. then when we all graduated, i felt like there was a big void in me.. something was missing. then i came here to Brisbane, and it was partially filled. and only now, when the end of the course is near, i realise what that fear is.

in all my childhood/adolescent years, i've been in an educational institution. i know where my place in life is. as long as i'm in a school studying, i would feel sufficiently secure.. but i have no idea what i'd do after i graduate from uni.. the end of this chapter of my life. where do i go from there? i know i should get a job and possibly start a career, but thruthfully? i cant see myself anywhere after school! am i being paranoid? i dont know. but this issue is really bugging me.. and im scared. what if i dont succeed? what if i fail, and have no where to go? omg.. somebody help me.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 01:29 p.m.

Friday, October 29, 2004

surprise telephone call

whee.. Nad called me last night!!! totally unexpected.. she rang ard 11.40, and i thought it was the mother or someone, so i didnt ans.. Tash picked it up and called me.. i was like who the hell is calling me at this hr?! and then i heard her voice, i wanted to and scream and shout, but they were all sleeping.. it was so difficult to be excited in silence.. bah! but yay!!

she got retained though.. but she said she didnt really study so... and i also learnt that someone is engaged!! well, we all sorta expected it sooner or later.. but Nad said that she wasnt ready to get married.. she still wants to live her life. in any other circumstance, i would agree that she's too young. but in this case.. i'm happy for her!i hope everything goes well girl!

it was shitty though cos the connection wasnt so great, she couldnt hear me well.. and she had 18 mins left.. boy was it accurate. got cut off at exactly 12! we really need to get the card.. i wanna call her back soon!

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 05:51 p.m.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Dickhead strikes agn... we're under attack!

feeling guilty.. fasted once this whole week, wednesday.. hee hee! oh well what can i do? the environment isnt very conducive is it?

just a news update.. the Dickhead has proven to really be a dickhead!! couple of nights ago, he supposedly left our freezer open, and no one knew abt it till the next morning.. i actually heard them arguing in the morning.. and his "apology" was so insincere-sounding. he was like, "sooooorryy...", that irritated tone. bitch. then when i got back that evening, i was reassured when Tash told me of his stupidity.. not so bad if nothing was ruined.. but the yoghurt-icecream we just bought had to be thrown out! BLOODYHELL!! at least i got to eat a small cupful the night before.. geez what a moron.

speaking of morons.. i think the magpies of Brisbane should be shot dead, but thankfully im anti-animal abuse.. what's up with them attacking me!! i cant believe the freaking creature pecked my head.. it hurt man! shit i hope no one saw my misfortune... i felt so humiliated! attacked by a bird... ?!? and the horrible thing was when i finally realised what happened, and looked up into the tree, it was staring straight at me! as if it was mocking me!! this better not develop into a phobia.. i can see myslef being traumatised for life due to one freaking magpie attack in my adolescent years... god save me.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 11:09 p.m.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

a short one.

just a short one today.. i kinda started on the seminar.. well, i have the cover page.. a content page, and the first page...? so i have.. alot more to go.. BAH! its ok.. at the very least, i have the whole weekend to finish it? procrastinating.. i know.. so sue me. really have no motivation to complete it.. but watching those that have gone before me the past 2 days, i feel a lil bit better, cos now i know what to expect of myself.. and my presentation. it's like a quarter of the burden got lifted off my shoulders? yeah.

so the fasting isnt going as i planned it to.. i mean, i just skipped the last couple of days simply cos "i didnt feel like it". grrr. i'm lacking in the will power department. oh well.

all of a sudden, i have a family of weirdos in IES. Nad and Phoe are my "kids", Max is the dog, who is Chiew's mother(??), who is the Dirty Bitch (???), and Sera is the gardener.. only cos there werent any other positions to fill, it was a random suggestion from Phoe.. *surprise surprise* what the?! i only ended up as the MUMSY cos i told them to behave in Physics class.. geeez. what is the world coming to mann!?

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 11:17 p.m.

Monday, October 25, 2004

feeling free for once.

i've amazed myself with my newfound will power.. i actually fasted for more than 5 days straight without cheating myself!! but sadly, that wonderful streak ended today.. had to walk in the morning sun, arrived in IES with a horribly parched feeling.. mouth dry as the desert. couldnt resist the temptation of getting a nice Frappe.. thanx Phoe... *staresather* heehee!! but all's good. i think the new environment does wonders.. if i were back home, i'm sure my payback list would be a month's worth!

thankfully.. this entry will be free of all depressing and deep, meaningful thoughts.. hahah!!! i felt free today!! although i shouldnt be, cos i havent started on the frickin TS seminar... BAH!! [humbugg] no worries, i have 6 more days.. *feeling confident*

its been a long time since i've had fun teasing ppl with irritating facial expressions and suggestive gestures.. *looks at Chiew* and it was bloody fun! firstly, during lunch i was resting my chin on Sera's coke bottle.. somehow the condensed water got on my top.. right smack in the middle of my... chest area. so Chiew pointed it out to me, and without a second thought i made the 'lick my thumb and run it down my front" gesture thingy.. should've seen the look on her face! priceless. and i cant understand why ppl find the tongue-clicking-lip-smacking-lip-licking thingy that i've done countless times with Sheila back in IJ gross/annoying!? hahahhaha!!! first tried it out on Nat, and our client list grew for there. well, now i can add Chiew to that privileged list... there's plenty more where that came from! =P

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 09:55 p.m.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

i've been enlightened.

ok so the change in me has increased... on Friday, Sera said she figured out what was wrong... she said im too quiet all of a sudden.. hmmm. i guess i agree with her.. but i dont know why. i dont have the urge to talk much anymore..? its like i prefer to be quiet and keep to myself as much as i can... sounds stupid i know.. cant help it though.

i wonder.. can anyone feel depressed, or go into depression without any reason for it? like, is there anyone out there who feels like i do now? just depressed and withdrawn, without any cause.. i mean its not like im on drugs, or drink alot, or have peer pressure, or a history of mental illness.. i just feel depressed. there's no other way of putting it. and dont bother asking me why. i have no clue...

to a much simpler issue.. why the hell is the weather so fucked up? it was raining for days on end the whole week, and then all of a sudden, it did a turnabout and the sun is bloody scorching! Dickhead said it was 39 degrees today... shit.. this is NOT gonna be a good summer.. i woke up early today, early for a weekend.. and did some housework.. then started some revision, but i couldnt take it. the heat really got to me!! laid down for abit, then dozed off. had a 2hr nap!! i almost baked in the heat. and the fact that this house is practically all wood doesnt help either.. i think that's why the heat is all trapped in the house.

hmm. thinking abt things.. i think i've finally let go of it. of Him. well, i know not completely, cos there'll always be the feelings left behind. but after a few weeks of exposure to being around Him, i realised that He's not everything.. yeah, "love is blind". not exactly love, Lust.. Infatuation(Law,S. 2004). after admitting defeat, i can see where Sera is coming from. the points she brought up abt Him being not so great. i see for myself now.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 10:42 p.m.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

my day off

didnt go to sch today.. for some reason, the hate towards going to school was at its peak. i dont know, something might just be wrong with me, and i dont even know what it is.. yesterday, i arrived in sch and kept to myself while listening to my discman.. in the lecture, Sera asked if anything was wrong with me.. what made her think sth was wrong? was it my unnatural silence? or my brooding appearance? i dont know, but maybe there is a change in me that i havent noticed of late... hmmm.

so back to me staying home today. after we came back from the supermarket, Tasha asked me why i skipped sch.. i said no reason.. then she said, "Who's bullying you Nad??" ahahah. ri-ght.. if anyone was being bullying i would have known abt it.. and if it was me, i certainly wouldnt be hiding out at home! being bullyied... HA! as if.

i just wish going to sch wasnt such a stressful ordeal.. okok not as much stressful, but its physically and mentally draining alot of the time? i dont know.. maybe i'm just getting too sick of this same old routine. wake up early, go to sch, do a helluva lot of work, come hm, do more work, sleep. i have no life. its pretty shit really. BAH!! i guess it could be PMS or sth like that.. better stop it or i'll go mad..

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 06:48 p.m.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

strange dreams.

in TS agn. everyone is doin work, finishing their Assignments or preparing for the seminars.. BAH. i have no mood to start on it. hahah! oh well.

this morning i was awoken from a really strange dream. we were at some mall, i think i was by myself but there were ppl ard that i knew. anyway, i saw this really cute guy that i had a crush on.. so then i was walking, and he appeared out of nowhere and stopped right in front of me, preventing me from moving forward. so i asked, "Is there a problem??" he just smiled at me.. and inside i wanted to melt. and he went on abt me being beautiful and crap like that and he wanted to go out with me and what i thought about that. HA!!! if only!! he was so cute.. i felt like shit when i woke up and realised it was a dream. stupid thing was i woke up at 6am!! bloody hell, had to go back to sleep, wishing it came true. hahahaha.

things like these really make me hate myself for what i feel. i mean im trying to get over it and over Him, and stupid dreams like these just pop up. BAH!! why the hell do i have to go through this torture?? why cant life be simple for me.. why cant i have things my way? why do i have to want something i know i cant have? grrrr. pissed off now.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 03:57 p.m.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Happy B'day Phoe!

went Horseriding today! woke up at an ungodly hour yet again. 7.30!!? geez. before heading off, we prepared Phoe's "mature and decent" gifts.. hahah!!! it was a morning filled with strained laughter! condoms and grannypanties in a nice Billabong pencil case are great 18th birthday gifts! what do you think?

so we arrived at Samford, then drove further in to some secluded area with lotsa Horsies and Cows. the air was fresh and the sky clear, perfect for a ride. i rode Tubby, a patient white one. well, he didnt look tubby to me though.. anyway, he was good to me since i hadnt ridden in years. but he stopped in the middle of our trek and took a dump in front of Sera. muahahah! you go Tubby! it was great fun!

then made our way down to the City. from then on we just bummed around for hours, first sitting in HungryJacks taking pictures and videos of our lameness. Chiew is definitely Gay..? she tried to kiss me!! that evil look in her eyes, all captured on digital video!! haahah.. so i fake-kissed her back. heh! well, Chiew, you've finally brought it out in the open.. its ok. i loveyou too! then walked up and down and up and down Queen Street Mall. BAH! spent the rest of the day walking and talking shit. then after Sera and Karen left, we made our way to Myer Center.. Chiew bought some juices so we waited for her.. i decided to be lame and look at her through the glass with funny faces, so Phoe told her to look up. her reaction was Classic!! she jerked her head left and right trying to look for me!! i told her she looked like a psycho rabbit, then Phoe made the line, "Where's the carrot?? Where's the carrot??" HAHAHAHAHAH!!! stupid things like these never grow old...

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 12:27 a.m.

Friday, October 15, 2004

The heart-to-heart.

whooo what an exciting day it has been. i know i was supposed to be fasting today, reminded myself when i left the house. but the stupid thing was, when Chiew offered me an Arnott's choc cookie, i completely forgot and took it without hesitation! remembered halfway through the cookie. muahah. so i tried to redeem myself by abstaining from meat instead. then dinner came and i forgot again, and had RedRooster. what an idiot!!

and Phoebe!! the things we do for you.. all the sneaking around so we can get your present! what the.. you looked so miserable knowing that we're keeping all the msges from you! haha.. it's ok you'll find out all about it tmr. watched Collateral with the girls and Max. it wasnt as good as Darren described though... oh btw, for those in the dark as to who this person is.. check out My Snaps.. finally got a pic of him, in Random Snaps.. heheh. ri-ght.

since i cant really go into detail... i think i have to do major censoring in this entry, before tmr comes. had a long heart-to-heart with Sera today. after leaving Phoe, met up with Sera and got stuff. then had dinner, during which this took place. spent about 2 hours just sitting and talking about everything from life back home - friends, mothers, friendship problems, mother problems. hahah. havent had this in a long time. we're so similar it's freaky! we're 2 of the same. maybe its the fact that we both come from SG, or that we're both from convent environments.. i dunno, i guess we just click. and ohmigod.. Sera's similar to Sheila too!! whahaha... that's why im similar to Sheila, and i'm similar to Sera, and in turn, Sera's similar to her. am i making sense...? but no! it was weird, Sera kept finishing my sentences, and knew where my stories were heading.. ahahah freaaaky i tell ya!

but yea.. it's really good knowing i have someone i can talk to and confide in over here. the fact that she's 2 years older has no effect on me at all. im good like that.. connect with the seniors.. that's why i have this great friendship with people like Fely and Siank. and had a good friendship with Nat and Shuzi.. miss those 2! and i noticed that i had no restrictions when talking to Sera, i told her stuff that i kept for so long... and stuff i usually think twice about.. wow.. im amazed. is this the start of a beautiful friendship? hahahaha!!! i hope.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 10:35 p.m.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

memories and being grateful.

ok lunch time, just finished Physics and we had no idea what Steve was talking about.. hahah what's new? since i had no idea what he was talking about, i started daydreaming.. (again, what's new..) when Steve mentioned something about 10-pin bowling, i remembered the time i went out with Nad, Faisal, Zy, Hafeez and who else i cant really rem.. the reason why i remembered this is coz the first thing that came into my mind was the image of me falling!! arrrghh how embarassing.. i wonder what they thought when they witnessed my humiliation.. now, thinking back at my lameness and stupidity.. i feel so stupid! haha.. oh well.

oh yeah! we filled in the UQ forms on Tuesday... its really the beginning of the end now... i can feel it in my bones! chose my final courses. 1st preference: Bachelor of Applied Science/Arts - Human Movement Studies/Language Studies. 2nd Preference: Bachelor of Physiotherapy. i hope to God that i make it!!! if i dont, Dad will make me return to my homeland, and probably find me a suitable husband of good business prospects and convenience and marry me off!!! okok im sorry. i'm presently reading this book about a Saudi Princess telling her life story... its really sad. i mean who the hell marries their daughters off at 17? and to an old man!! gross. i'm so thankful that i live in an environment where i have my freedom and human rights, and men do NOT rule women. the Princess told of how most Saudi males were like, treating females as objects of sexual pleasure and shit. and they have 4 wives each. and a million children. and how the men disregard any feelings of the women. shit.. i've always known that this problem existed in the MiddleEast, but i never had any knowledge of the details! this book has been keeping me up past midnight for the past week!

just to an end this entry on a different note.. i think i have to start studying. now! i mean, i'm lost in Physics, abit of Chemistry, and Math has never been my strong subject.. so.... in conclusion, im pretty screwed.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 01:14 p.m.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

presentations once more...

in TS now.. just played Mahjong for a couple of hours... won twice.. how sad. anyway... i just finished editing my Assignment.. im done!!! whooo feeling very acomplished! heheh.. but hell, i have to present a Science seminar again tomorrow! cuz Dave wants to film us- those who had the better seminars. well, i'm flattered that he considers mine as one of the better ones, but i really dont feel like doing it all over again! and this time ppl from other classes might be there... grrrr. this sux.

well, now that i have handed in my TS Assignment, i have nothing to do here... maybe i should prepare myself for the presentation tmr.. fuck it! gonna have to experience nervousness and stress once again! rarr...

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 04:02 p.m.

Saturday, October 9, 2004

happy birthday to us!

whooo!! happy birthday to me. happy birthday to me. happy birthday to MEEEEE. happy birthday to me! ahhahaha yay! finally 17.. took forever.. but now i have to wait one whole year to get to 18. arrrghhh.. so bloody long.

went to the NewFarm Markets again this morning.. woke up at an ungodly hour... 7.30am!! what the?! i dont even wake up that early for school! anyway, had hotdogs and GINGER BEER! yumm.. i love their gingerbeer.. its freshly made with real beer. sooo good. had crepes too! check out the pics. then came home to cut my cake.. it was a mudcake with a little sponge.. not as rich as the one we had before.. but Michel's cakes are always good.. then we rested for a couple of hours before we left for dinner. had Mexican at Dos Amigos in Taringa.. ohmigod.. so full now. but luckily, we learnt from the last experience and shared instead... came up to $73+.. but worth it... even had leftover!

now relaxing at home... hopefully the ppl come online soon... wanna chat with the darlings!! oh well, we'll just wait and see. (im back, 11pm now.. no one is coming online... this is getting depressing.)

just a shout out to my one and only bro. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHEILA!!! mann we've made it this far.. cant believe we're not celebrating it together.. rem the Chalet? that was the best... well, thinking of you constantly.. just a couple of months and i'll be home.. oh btw, i arrive in SG on the 9th Jan... so after that, we can meet up yea? cant wait!!! loveya!

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 09:22 p.m.

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

school stress?

Tash and the Dickhead are out at a concert.. cant remember which band.. anyways, im alone at home. attempted to get some studying down, unfortunately, Physics just never interests me..

lately, i've been having this dreading feeling every morning.. i've never dreaded going to school. ever! not when i had tests, exams, fights, performances, spot-checks, or even when there was nothing to look forward to but study. but now it seems that going to school is such a drag and a chore. i know not everyone likes studying.. i can safely assume that everyone i know agrees with me here.. but this feeling is deeper than just not wanting to wake up... its like i dont believe in myself anymore. what's wrong with me? am i the only one who feels like this.. its like a whole mixture of emotions waiting to explode inside. errrggh. school. the thought of it now just disgusts me.

in math class today, Phoebe and i had no idea what Max was talking about... Integration and crap.. then after class, i made a comment on how i was never gonna go to uni coz im gonna be retained in IES for the rest of my life!! this bites big time man. why cant i have more motivation, which will lead to me studying, which will help me understand, which allows me to pass, which sends me to uni. why!? i feel like shit. angry with myself and with studying in general. why do i bother with future expectations.. i couldnt even do well for the Os.. ohmigod Nadddd!!! whatthehellisthematterwithyou!??!!? wake up and smell the coffee! go and study.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 10:01 p.m.

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Princess Sallyphina of Pollenvale, Land of Flowers??

in school now.. Donna's off somewhere, leaving us to fend for ourselves in the dungeon of doom.. okok. we're in the Com lab, and Donna had to go off to do wome work, so she left us to do our own thing. just read Chiew's lameass entry about our Adventure to the dangerous land of Pollenvale, Land of Flowers, i.e: Sera's place. what the hell is wrong with her?? crazy women.. how could she name me Prince Nadeapoop?? idiot.

played mahjong for a couple of hours just now.. i won TWICE!! or was it thrice? anyway. yay! hahah.. ri-ght. got nothing much to blog about so i guess i'll leave it at that! ta for now.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 03:44 p.m.

Sunday, October 3, 2004

Deep, maybe not so Meaningful..

oh fucking hell i just refreshed the page by accident!! bugger. Sera's sleepover was fun.. although we hardly did anything but watch movies and TV. the house was awesome! like one of those retreat houses you go to during the holidays... sadly there wasnt enough alcohol-intake. not because there was a shortage... but yeah. it was a lazy holiday at Sera's.

found out that the pics i took over the last week got deleted!! bloody shit!! i know there wasnt much lost, cos i uploaded most from Tuesday and back, but still!! they're gone damnit!! wonder what the fuck happened..

ok to the deep and meaningful topic.. hmm.. what was i doing 365 days ago... omg we were attempting to study for the Os that were a month away!! a year ago today, birthday celebrations were so unimportant. it would have been alright if people even forgot!! but 16 is such a milestone year, for a girl at least. in SG it kinda symbolised the seniority that we feel from having to leave high school. personally, i felt old... ok ok older! i mean, at that time we all had to make decisions for our future, and experience the bittersweet separation from people we grew up with for at least 4 years. but for me, the bitter overpowered the sweet.

deep down, i sensed the distance that was to come between us, even if i wasnt ready to acknowledge it. and its not just the close ones, but also the junior ballers! i mean, in Sec.2 & 3, we were seniors but we also had seniors of our own. but at the end, we were the cards on the top waiting to fall off. it was sad to know that it was all over, time to move on. and i hated the feeling of distance.. it really brought me down. the stupid thing is, that distance is still here, if not bigger.. physically and psychologically. and its eating me up inside. i used to worry about little things in life, like what we were gonna do after school on Fridays, what movie we wanted to watch, how we would survive the Os, and what to wear for Grad. Night.. now, i just feel empty. hollow. im like a memory waiting to fade into extinction... or something like that. im neither here nor there.

maybe if there was a Someone things wouldnt seem so shitty. i mean, if there was a Someone, there would be something for me to look forward to, someone. not anyone. That One. omg. kill me now i sound desperate. arrrghh. this is what loneliness feels like. everytime i catch myself thinking this, i try to think of something else to cover it up. but it always comes back to haunt me somehow. countless times at night, i lay awake dreaming about it. i make myself feel better by saying it would make life good again, like i'm not good enough on my own. omg, am i being stupid? great.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 12:16 a.m.