so, well. i am a little paranoid these days... i keep worrying that people dont talk to me for something i did or said, when they actually just didnt have their phones or didnt have credit, or got distracted, or whatever. it does my head in though, and i cant help it... and it just adds to the stress of attraction and desire. and shit. i cant stop thinking about these things, and these girls... they're in my head and my thoughts and it's freaking me out cos if and when nothing happens, and i know nothing will happen, what then?? and why is it that when i realise what i feel it's always too late?? i realise these things when they have to leave for good... *sigh* it's so sad... and i'm so sad. depressed even. how am i gonna get thru the week? at least it's midweek now so that's a little easier for me.. just 3 more days till sat.. YAY. last shift with her tho.... GAHHH.

she takes a breath at 01:33 a.m.

ohmygodd. spent about 4 hours online talking to sera this morning... didnt get to bed till 5am! and i have been shitting myself thinking about everything. which hasnt been the best thing to do seriously. cos i'm back to my 15minute attention span again. and then i just start screaming in my head and fidgeting and what not. but spent that whole time re-reading the conversation with her and getting her opinion. i've come to the pathetic conclusion that she has been flirting with me and quite possibly hinting at something, even though i know i'm probably wrong. but i've started to really like her and i cant stop thinking about it. well, about her. which is really bad, cos i cant do much till sat when i see her next. and chatted with Chiew about it a little today too. and i re-read the conversation YET AGAIN. and found more clues.. and i think that she wants me bad... heh. i'd like to think so anyway.. cos that would make it much easier and more fun for me!! cos i really cant wait till Sat it's too far away... and now i just wait till 930 cos that's when she said she'll back and on the net HEE!

she takes a breath at 08:00 p.m.

Monday, October 29, 2007

for fuck's sake it just never ends for me... it really is one problem after another... i've had a long chat with the third girl K.I. tonight and got to know her more. and my godd we're alike in so many ways it's scary... and she's so cute... and also i found out that she swings both ways.. hehe so there's a chance AHAH! unfortunately she's going to ipswich soon too... talk about bad luck they're all leaving when i like them and start to get to know them.. frustrating. and yeah i told her about coming out too and that was fun cos she was like "Now i can flirt and hit on you for entertainment!" but i secretly wish it's more than that... hehe. i dont care if she's 3 years younger.. i think i like her. and now i'm bloody waiting like an idiot for her to come back online. GAHH.. girl problems. *sigh* why me, why is it always me?

she takes a breath at 10:17 p.m.

Monday, October 29, 2007

well it's all sorted with the first one we've come to the understanding that it's no one else's problem but ours. and everyone has been telling me the same thing. so i shouldnt be worried about him, even though i cant help it. the second one is still abit complicated i suppose. we never got the chance to have a sitdown for a chat. damn shifts. and today was her last at TheManor FUCK. so i'm not gonna see her at all pretty much she'll be at Ips from now, sorting out the newbs and getting it ready for the opening. whenever the hell that is. i'm not quite sure what i'm feeling about all this. it's sad but nothing really. sad cos maybe i never got to resolve it and i dont know what could or would have happened. nothing cos i dont even know if i'm attracted to her! i spoke to J about it cos i havent seen her all week. filled her in i suppose. and she tells me straight up that she has only recently become exclusive with her GF. so there, my misplaced feelings for HER can be thrown out the window cos i really dont need them.

anyway, i dont really know what i'm gonna do.. i suppose just leave it as it is and move on is the best option. and there was a 3rd girl, but she's also going to Ips and she's much younger, and i'm pretty sure she's straight HAHA. but she's so cute i could pinch her on the ass. these Pancakes girls.. *sigh* why does it always have to be so hard... i just have to get out in the fray. i gotta be seen and heard. and get proactive. i gotta do something about it. and it's just bad timing that i cant do it in the next few weeks cos of the fuckin exams, but i'm pretty optimistic that i'll be out at least once till then. heh. my fuckedup priorities and i have become bestfriends.

she takes a breath at 09:15 a.m.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

when i said i was getting impatient and wanted something to happen, i was not expecting it to happen like that!!! for fuck's sake, it was such a trashy night on Thursday. went for Paul's leaving work drinks at Omals at first, then headed to TheVic and UJs, and eventually ended up at Fridays. and so much happened in between i cannot even begin to describe the feelings i have now. basically, i became an overnight slut and i was quite drunk too. and it wasnt just one incident, nor was it just one person. but i gotta say, i'm slightly impressed with myself, even though i shouldnt be....

the first happened at TheVic, and by that time i already had a few drinks. she was already very drunk after she downed a whole jug of Gold by herself in under an hour among other drinks too. we somehow got to dancing on the raised platform, in full view of everyone there, and one thing led to another, we pashed. there's no denying it, she's a beautiful girl. one problem, she's got a boyfriend. SHIT. so anyway, for some reason we made our way to UJs for a drink and once again the 2 of us were back on the dancefloor. after having more drinks we were both definitely very drunk and i dont know if it was impulsive, reflexive, or her sexy dancing on me when she pulled me onto the mini podium with her, but we ended up pashing again. this time it was hot and i cant deny that either, because from what i remember i think i really wanted it to happen that time. damn u sexy dancing girls!! anyway, whatever it was, he found out and it kinda turned out to be a bad night for her and me cos of it... thing is, right now i'm not sure what i feel about it and about her. i mean i know i wont be getting anything there she is definitely straight. but it wouldve been hot and i would be very lucky if it happened... i just have to continue reminding myself that i'm not interested in her and she's straight and i'm not stupid and wont ruin a relationship, no matter how rocky it already is.

the next one was a little more troubling cos i didnt quite have much control over it or over myself. at the time and for most of the day, i couldnt remember how it started. but i remember little bits of information that keep flashing back and it freaks me out. cos it didnt just happen once or twice, but maybe 4 or 5, possibly needing a second hand to count! i learned from her today that it started cos some guy was being a dickhead and we (or she) wanted to shut him up. so it happened. but obviously i didnt stop her so something must have been going on. and i remember her being very sweet to me and she said i was beautiful, and she said she was attracted to me. !*$&!%£% OMFG. and through the rest of the night, it kept happening again and again, i dont remember how or where but it did. but they had to leave soon after. and i gave her my digits, and she wanted to call me, but she hasnt done so yet. it was a rough morning, and evening, going back into Pancakes cos i kept finding out things about what happened. firstly, someone told me that she said she thought i was hot. (!!!!!) and then later tonight i managed to have a little chat with her, after we had a momentary awkward situation. throughout last night i had to keep reminding her that she was in a longterm relationship, and i suppose it was for myself too. but i remember her saying it's ok and not to worry. which was in itself worrying! how could i not worry!? i cant handle this. anyway, she basically told me tonight that she didnt regret it although she knows she shouldnt have done it. but we havent had the chance to properly talk about it all. it was a little weird tho.

there are lots of side stories for this. one, she's much older. at first i was under the impression that she was at most in the late 20s or early 30s. (bad enough) but i know she has kids from a marriage in a previous (straight) relationship, which just made me realise she could be in her 40s (!!!!!!) oh godd.. what have i done.. thing is, i really am not attracted to her, physically or anything. but maybe i'm just attracted to the idea of it, or her. the idea of having someone. finally. anyways. it's very complicated. and i just need to chat to her properly hopefully tmr, or latest sunday cos i have to resolve this and let her down unfortunately cos i dont think i could handle a relationship with so much baggage. i mean come on, she lives with her girlfriend, and there are other kids there too. fuck what a complex.

and to top it off, i lost my shit at TheVic, but luckily they had found it although my money was gone.. last of my tips, someone got free drinks from it FUCKYOUASSWIPE. when that happened i sobered very quickly, and when i got it back, i rushed to Fridays before lock out to join the last of them. stayed there till they kicked us out, all the while i had my head in my hands freaking out, listening to all of them tell me not to worry about the first one cos he'll get over it, and not to worry for either one cos it wasnt my fault i'm single but they both arent and they should take some responsibility for that... whatever it is, i'm feeling even more fucked up now cos some people may or may not be mad or even hurt, and i hate that feeling cos it's cos of me. and i have to settle the shit with the second one. all in all, a good night i guess. my wish came true. i'm completely out now. heh.

she takes a breath at 03:16 a.m.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

life has come to a plateaued point. i dont know what i'm doing anymore. i've skipped uni for about 3 weeks now and this is the last week. one more assignment due tomorrow but at least that's already been started on and it's pretty easy anyway. but yeah all this shit came at a pretty unfortunate time. i have been so messed up and troubled i can hardly concentrate for more than 15 minutes at once. i just have to get it all out of my head for 2 weeks then i can go crazy if i want to. i'm getting depressed and impatient and i dont know what to do about it. i feel like i've missed my moment or something. i've been passive for 3 weeks and that is bugging me really badly. i feel like if i dont do something soon it'll be over in a flash. i dont really know what i'm talking about here, but the feelings are all messed up basically. with the stuff going on in my head, mixed with the stuff at work, and the people. and the feelings for the people. and the things people say. gahhh. it's just confusing and frustrating.

i met a new person yesterday and she was quite attractive. but yeah i know i'm not even gonna go there. it's just the freaking LWord is playing with my mind too. i need to get someone. and i'm gonna get the bloody DVDs. heh. but at this point i really dont care if it's just a random hookup anymore. which is really sad. cos i want a relationship. i'm at that age, and i'm sick of being alone. does that sound sad or what? i'm comparing my life to a television program. =/ i'm getting desperate. but i really dont care. it will be worth it. i just hope it's not some skank cos i was too drunk to realise. TheBeat is probably not the best place to go for a relationship huh... 12yearold nearly-there wannabes. and it doesnt really help that i'm listening to TheLWord soundtrack now either, it's making me even more depressed........

she takes a breath at 03:21 p.m.

Monday, October 22, 2007

i'm in a mood again. not for anything in particular though... worked yesterday, had fun at work this weekend actually! dancing with the girls and boy by the bar HAHA. so yeah, got invited for drinkies at K's after, a couple others came too. and we ended up driving to Mount Cootha to watch the mini meteorshower. saw a few shooters yay! although i was slightly tipsy by then and my eyes were shutting.. =( and i stayed overnight. i guess i never thought it was an issue, but now i'm wondering if i'm stretching my welcome a little bit. cos i remember hearing someone say that i "live" there now. and they joked about it again this morning. well they said they were joking. so yeah.. i'm feeling kinda strange at the moment. but i just like to have new friends and spend time with them but i dont know if the feeling is mutual. it really sucks. cos i dont think i could handle not having these people around. but i suppose that's a bit farfetched anyway we're not in school for God's sake. *sigh*

on a lighter note, i think i am probably going out this weekend! well there's a birthday party and K asked me to come along, even though the host didnt quite invite me personally. and perhaps we'll go out after the house party. i just really really hope we go to TheBeat soon. yeahh J asked how i was with the whole thing and if i've hooked up yet. and if i've gone to TheBeat yet. i said no to both, and she was like "That's why!" hahah. so i'm looking forward.. but not in a filthy sleazy way of course. i just wanna get into the experience i've been waiting ever so long. and now that i've got back into TheLWord it's making me more anxious and excited about it all. damn that show is awesome. and so hott... if only life was as Hollywood as they are.

she takes a breath at 04:08 p.m.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

driving myself insane again with this incessant thinking. it's frustrating to not get a text reply for 3 hours, try 12 hours! or 18 hours the last time... and what's making it worse is that i dont know what i'm feeling. is this an interest that goes beyond "i'm making new friends"? why cant i get them out of my head? finished my assignment and handed it in this arvo, and i thought i needed to get out of the house, so i contacted K to see what they were up to. ended up having Sushi in the city, before heading back to theirs at Milton again. watched some movies and got pizza... but yeah i left because they were working in the morning and i thought i shouldnt intrude so much. they finally have the house to themselves for the weekend. anyway, i'm just a little bitter that my night fizzled out again. i hate fizzlers. and to top it off my mind's a slight mess now. what am i thinking, why, i cant answer. all i know is i have to get proactive soon or i will bust.

there is a slight opportunity next week though, we might be going to TheBeat. i'm not sure if it's planned or if they were just thinking about it, but i really do hope we go and i really want to have a new experience there. a new experience, period. i need to do something in my life.. at this point, i've taken the first step, which is a good thing. and now i have to proceed and follow through. otherwise what good is coming out? and perhaps, it will let me get out of my head a little, if anything happens. some new prospects might do me some good. ahhh. i dont know.. justsomeventinghere.

she takes a breath at 02:43 a.m.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Staff Party last night was a blast... hung out with all these people... and made friends and got drunk. it was an awesome evening, but it kinda fizzled out at the end.. nevertheless. i had a great night. and i cant wait for the next staff bonding get together... if any will be planned for. but the night was a big one for me particularly because of everything else that had happened in the week leading to it. one week has changed my life so much. and i'm so glad i did it. it's a great liberating feeling to be out. and i can be my full self now that i am. with my newly made friends, i had the help i needed and the support system to handle these situations. and i'm glad K and L were there. through them, more people were told and it seemed to be an exciting piece of news for some. being congratulated and not knowing what they were talking about was a funny situation to be in. but it has opened up doors that i never knew were there. and now i am more than ever looking forward to prospects.

and speaking of prospects. one of the people that found out last night has kinda got me thinking. everyone says that she's with someone from Pancakes, but from what she told me personally, it doesnt sound like the relationship is quite solid. or existent even. but anyway, yeah. i keep wondering if there was something there or was i being blinded by strange lights or if i was simply overthinking again. cos i kinda got the feeling that there was something happening that i'm not quite sure about. and she's attractive and... quite intriguing is the best way to put it. i dont know what i feel about it yet it's too early. i stayed over at her place because for some reason we were the last people left out and she offered us a place to crash. unfortunately i couldnt quite do anything even if i wanted to cos there was someone else with me. i just wonder now if there is even a possibility and would i take it up if it presents itself to me... life is getting strangely exciting and nerve-wrecking.

she takes a breath at 06:56 p.m.

OMFG i'm getting constant excitement attacks every 10minutes... why is this happening now i really cant concentrate on this damn assignment due tmr arvo!!! not even close to finished yet! she replied a message i sent 3 hours before when i was thinking omg she doesnt even wanna text me back... and now i keep checking my phone 3 more hours later, as if i wouldnt hear it or see it light up. i'm going out of my mind AGAIN. this is ridiculous. and i'm just hoping that doing this here will get it out of my system, but i highly doubt it because i think i'm beginning to shiver and i cant stop fidgeting now. =/

she takes a breath at 06:56 p.m.

Monday, October 15, 2007

been a rough day today... i was just feeling real fucked up and messed up in the head... just couldnt concentrate and had to get out of my head. out of the room and house. after struggling through a couple of hours, i decided i needed fresh air. went to the pool deck. i've never used it before and i dont know why i havent done so earlier. it is really peaceful and calming at that time of the evening. had too many ciggies there, while i tried to sort out my thoughts. reached out to a couple of people and boy did they really help. K was so sweet she even drove down to have a chat with me without me even asking. i guess she sensed i needed help. like she said she'd been through it before and she was messed up too. and i decided i could confide in her and tell her what really was the issue. the whole J thing was making me go crazy.. so i eventually told her. and she said it was ok and i shouldnt worry about it and it'll pass soon as i get out and about more in the future. but she kept reminding me i had to get the uni work done first... =/ damn assignments. i dont think i can wait that long i need to get out now. and even bigger, she's gonna tell the rest of them for me.. starting tonight with J and L. and then on Wednesday at the staff party ARRHHHH!!! *dies* i dont know how i'll handle it.. it's pretty big. omg. i think i'm having panic attacks.

well i think the reason why i want to get out there in such a hurry is cos i need to know if i'm making the right decision. if these feelings are not big enough for me to do anything in the open then maybe they're not genuine feelings. so i need to know. and i need to know fast. i cant carry on like this i will crack.

she takes a breath at 10:18 p.m.

Monday, October 15, 2007

i need to get out of my head. i cant stop thinking about it or her.. i dont know why this keeps happening to me! i cant wait for wednesday. Pancakes Staff Party at Friday's should be a laugh. i hope i either get very drunk or i get to make lots more friends. or both! i wouldnt mind something exciting happening for a change. maybe i could sort my feelings out on the night. maybe i could tell more people and get it off my chest. maybe i could sit in the corner and cry. whatever. i need to stop thinking. i cant concentrate. this assignment is driving me mad too. my system is going all crazy, time seems to go by at random paces. it feels like i've been in this rut for more than a month, but it only started a week ago. i have to get out of my head.

she takes a breath at 02:21 p.m.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

been a dry few months, blog wise.. nothing to see nothing to do.. until now. stuff happened that's worth mentioning. had a Birthday that makes me no longer a teenager which is quite a sad revelation. had birthday drinks with workmates, and things seem to roll on from there. hanging out with some of them is pretty crazy. and being introduced to a whole new culture. Pancakes culture is awesome HAHA. and ohh coming out was interesting. i suppose i never really needed a big thing for it, i think i knew all along that i swung that way... for the longest time i had feelings, quite obviously since school. and maybe it was really denial, maybe i just didnt bother to think about it. i dont know. but once in a while, i ask myself, am i doing it for genuine reasons and feelings, or is this decision based of superficial/artificial thoughts or even peer pressure.

whatever it is, i know that i have a journey to follow. i am excited for what lies ahead, that's for sure. i cant wait to get in the game. i just need to be given the opportunity. i once caught myself thinking i wish i was one of them. and now i am. sorta... hung out with a few new people over the past few days. i feel like i fit in, although not all of them know it yet. my "counsellor" has welcomed me into the circle, so to speak. but i need to do something more.

and i really need to get my feelings sorted out. why does this keep happening to me?? first in school with C.N. aka chilli. it seems like i tend to believe in things that people say when they repeat it over and over. it happened then with her, and now it's happening again with someone else. i cant control it, but i dont know if it's real. and i cant stop thinking about it/her. it's so frustrating but i cant talk about it to my "counsellor". i've denied all of it for a week and now i seem to have switched minds. maybe it is peer pressure! it's a horrible feeling to have, and worse when you know you probably cant do anything about it. but i've been given hints at future possibilities, although i'm not too sure i wanna pursue them... it's too complicated, there are other people involved.

whatever happens, i really need to get out of this rut. i've entered a new phase in life, 20 really made a bang for me! i'm excited for the future, good or bad. and hopefully some things will lead to some things. cant hardly wait!

she takes a breath at 04:35 p.m.

my "counsellor" K. asked me a couple of nights ago, what sort of person do i like? i've been trying to pick out qualities ever since. there's the typical answers like: i like blondes, good looking or attractive, shallow stuff like that. but when i really think about it, i dont think alot of that stuff matters. right now, what sort of person do i like and want? hmmm.

well they'd have to have a sense of humour.
enjoy music, a bonus if it were the same stuff i like.
enjoy cooking/eating, not a freaking stick figure.
like staying home or going out, life doesnt have to be one big piss-up.
physical attributes are minor, but i wouldnt want to be the beast in the relationship of course.

they'd have to be outgoing, yet know when to take things slow and chill.
they'd have to be the conversation starter, but listen when they need to.
basically i want them to be my friend first. i cant understand how some people like to keep their relationships and friendships separate. if they cant get along with my friends, and vice-versa, and hang out together, i dont see how it could work out.

yeahh. i think that's the easiest way to describe my ideal person. i want someone to be my best friend. it sounds cheesy and childish, but life can get pretty lonely when you're on your own.

let's make a scenario to help me out here.. if i was in the club and there were heaps of potential people around me, who would i pick out of the crowd? i'd want to talk to the person who makes eye contact with me from across the room, but doesnt necessarily say anything all night. the person that seems like they're with a bunch of people but is willing to ditch them to talk to me. i dont want the person to be shouting at me from the bar, or showing off to their friends and bragging. we'd have to hit it off from the first conversation, but first impressions are not always something to go by.

K. also asked what TYPE i liked... now let's not mix it up, the Type of person is different. i want a mixture of the passive and dominant character traits. i dont want one who is obviously out or open about it. subtlety is hot. maybe that's why i'm confused about J.W...

the Girl just has to be special.

she takes a breath at 07:43 p.m.