i am heartbroken.

made the trip to ipswich on tues. had a great day out there.. i think i was in and out of the restaurant at least 10 times in the 2 days there. met up with my fav ips former-coworkers haha. was so good to see them again.. although the newbie staff need some real improvement.. but the place itself looks pretty good, give or take some work that's still being done. also met up with Jan and Lee too. they have alot on their plate at the moment... got the gracious offer to stay over since we would have had to train it back to Brisbane otherwise, and so we did. but stupid Ips and the early-close bottleshops!

and so the night wore on, i gulped 3 Coronas in under 2 hours. it worked out fine cos i needed to feel the high in such a short time. and then it happened.

she finally brought it up. and she couldnt have chosen a worse time. i was tipsy, and i was at risk for an emotional reaction. and everything that she said, which wasnt much, just ruined the night for me. i couldnt have felt any worse right then, but i did cos He came over too. i was embarrased to be so teary at Jess' place. but i couldnt control it. cos the rejection hurt even more then than it did 2 weeks before. my heart was hoping for some good news after waiting so patiently for her return. and her saying what she said right then killed me. i sat there on the grass with my head in my hands. unable to speak to her. silent tears ran down my face, choking me up. and i looked up and caught her wiping a tear away too. it was a painful experience i've never felt before.

right now, i've kinda gotten over it. i guess i knew nothing was gonna happen. realistically anyway. i set myself to expect a rejection. but i guess i was caught off-guard. it happened so quickly but it took so long too. i dont know if things have gotten awkward, or if they're just taking some time to settle. cos we seem to be distant now, face to face conversations have gotten quiet. and i dont know, i dont feel like looking her in the eye anymore. i think i'm hurting too much. right now, i need to find someone else to help me get over it. She was the first one i really had any feelings for, and i know i shouldnt have gotten so attached. cos it's killing me now. but i need to get over her or i will be going through a downward spiral.

she takes a breath at 07:09 a.m.

Friday, November 23, 2007

well so yeah everyone has left me on my lonesome. stupid chiew's gone for 7weeks and Sera for 6 weeks. but but but! She's back tmr! yessss! excited? quite. but then again. i dont know what i'm expecting here.. it's been too long of a wait, like i said before, i think i'm getting over it all. but i dont want to. but i still am excited to see her again nonetheless. it's gonna be a busy weekend at work i reckon.. stupid graveyard shifts... not happy. wanted to go out with Daniel tomorrow night before he left as well! grrrr. but oh well. going to have a couple of drinks at Omals before i start tonihgt.. i reckon i need it.

she takes a breath at 02:22 p.m.

Monday, November 19, 2007

holy crap. i am beyond exhausted. my body is about to go into shutdown mode. but it was all worthwhile because Fluffy Festival was awesome! except the early start that kinda spoilt some moods... it got much better over the day/night. music kept me going all night and i was very happy although veryverytired. but i was never drunk. which is kinda good. i managed to not collapse at work today.

it was also a good night cos i bumped into someone i knew, and some people that i recognised from elsewhere, i.e: PINKY was there AHHH!!! in her hot pink top and white tie, she was fuckin hot omg... and once again we were in the same area most of the night. and i couldnt get away. although i didnt really try heh. and over the night a few people that i dont know came up to me to say hi and that they recognise me from TheManor haha! that was a little weird, but i was flattered at the same time. people recognise me out of work, and i like to have a friendly connection with my customers i guess! there was one, part of a group of girls that apparently always come in.. an interesting bunch.. looking forward to the next time they come in while i'm there.

managed to drunkdial her again last night! although i wasnt that drunk... but i was shouting like an idiot and asking her to come back to brisbane haha! what a dickhead... gahhh i just have to see her again soon. planning a trip up to Ips Pancakes on Monday so hopefully i'll see her by then! =D they say distance makes the heart grow fonder, or some shit like that, but i reckon all this time apart is making me get over it a little. and i dont want to... i just hope that she doesnt leave things as it is when she does get back. i need resolution.

she takes a breath at 10:24 p.m.

Friday, November 16, 2007

exams be gone!!!! well till January anyway i have to do that paper i missed then. but YAY!!! 3monthssss of freeedommmm... yesterday was a productive day..finished my exam and met up with the girls for some late lunching.. in between i got our CHEAP TICKETS to Fluffy Festival!!! how awesome i have just made connections with someone who is an accomplished DJ and is in the actual management team for Fluffy and TheFamily! iLOVEyou Facebook! and then i went into work to get someone to cover my shift HAHA. thank god for Newbies i got the new guy to do it for me... he seems like an awesome dude. it was the best first meeting in my life! unfortunately i am ververysick right now, i have a cough and my nose is dripping like a tap and i cant stop sneezing. i dont know how i'll be on Sunday i just hope it doesnt get worse.. need rest and waterr. lots of them. too bad i didnt get much rest last night.. i didnt get home till 5 this morning!

chiew came out with me because she was going away soon and i insisted we go out before she did.. she planned to leave early... but yeah she got nicely tipsy, and was having too much fun i think! and damn she is evilll she has probably convinced a few people that we're together... what with her dancing and not keeping her hands off me hah! oh well i played along anyway! also... i was very honoured that someone divulged their love secrets to me last night.. she was pretty drunk but the conversation couldnt have been any sober-er. i feel like i'm finally really part of this wonderful Pancakes family... dramas and all!

she takes a breath at 12:16 p.m.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

another crummy night.. after doing pretty well to forget sat night and how i felt.. she came online tonight and we chatted for the first time since. i was attempting to get over it and over her, until tonight. and now i'm right at the beginning. she said that when i told her i liked her, she actually knew she had feelings for me too! she said that she cared about me alot since we started this friendship, but she wasnt sure if those feelings were from all that time ago, or just a response to my confessions. and she says that she likes me, but she is confused. and also the other boy situation makes it that much more complicated... and then she says that right now she just wants to be FRIENDS. she doesnt want to ruin the friendship we have. at least till she gets back from Melbourne and thinks things through and figures it all out. *sigh* how do i get myself into these things...? i seem to set myself up really badly.

when she told me about her feelings for me as well, i dont know i just lost control again. i cried for a little and it was pathetic... why did i cry? she likes me i should be happy! but she likes me and she wont do anything about it... that sucks. what can you do.. you have no control in the matter. i cant tell her she should choose me. or at least try it out and see how it goes... she has to decide, and i have to wait for her decision. 2 weeks at least... this is killing me.

she takes a breath at 01:30 a.m.

Monday, November 12, 2007

had a shitty sleep this morning. i had a dream that really got me depressed when i woke from it. i met someone and ended up going out with her. and i was so happy, and i finally knew what contentment felt like. until i woke up and realised it was just a dream. i lost it abit. i couldnt hold back the tears. i guess it really hit me then. i dont know exactly what IT is. the whole thing with KI and the rejection, and not speaking to her since Saturday, and knowing that i wont see her for weeks. it's alot to deal with, and it's painful. and there's nothing i can do about it, but try my best to get over it.

she takes a breath at 05:11 p.m.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

just back home from a Milko shift.. it was a VERY long night indeed. got there around 730 while it was chaos on the floor and in the kitchen. she finished on time tho, but why we stayed in Pancakes i dont know... i was hoping to get a drink, perhaps, but the barstaff had to be all I-Follow-The-Rules. never thought J would be like that. but anyway. i dont know why we stayed there. i knew it was a recipe for constant interference, and i was right. people just kept coming down on their breaks and we never seemed to get any time to ourselves. i couldnt talk about it properly. she sensed that something was wrong, and kept asking me why i was so tense. and i tried so hard to blurt it out. now thinking about it there were so many ways i couldve done it... but my plans always come to late. i eventually managed to tell her. well, she guessed it cos some Kitchen boys were there, so all i could say was "it's about you."

and her reaction was so bitersweet for me. first she says "OHH at the start i had a Nadia crush! aww i never get hot girls hitting on me!" AAHH!!! "i liked you, but i was still with Kurt" and that made me so happy! cos now i know the feeling wasnt one-sided. and then she said "but i'm sorry, erm, i kinda have a crush on Will now" and i wanted to DIE. i told her i figured seeing as she spent alot of time with him recently, and i conveniently left out the fact that those feelings ARE mutual. and bless the child, she never made it awkward at all. cos she was still friendly and huggy-like. but the sympathy kisses on the face just made me depressed. why couldnt i just get a sympathy kiss on the lips?? ha! she also said "is this why you kept saying that i wasnt THAT young?" cos i liked her and i didnt care that she was still 17... well no. and yeah. maybe. but she has a very mature sense of being, i dont see her as a 17 year old anyway. ha she was still entertaining through all my sorrows. since we couldnt verbally talk about it then, she had to write a text and showed it to me saying "Do you like me? is that the problem?" and after we discussed the rest of it she was like "there was only one thing i could think of and i would have looked like such a dick if i was wrong!" haha... even in such an emotional situation, she knew how to lighten it up.

but now i just sit here. fighting back the tears cos they keep attacking me when i think i'm ok. why cant she just give me a chance?? WHY DIDNT I SAY SOMETHING SOONER?! i'm such a dick.

she takes a breath at 08:12 a.m.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

life couldnt be more troublesome than it is right now! i couldnt muster the courage to tell her anything yesterday, although we hung out for 3 hours and pretty much looked like we were together to anyone who saw us.. it was hard watching her being friendly to everyone else at work too. and apparently one of the Ips boys has had his eye on her since day 1, which kills me. cos she has been spending time with him recently. i know i have to say or do something tonight. i'm going in 3 hours before my shift starts so i can do this. and i dont know what i'm gonna say or how i will say it. and now i'm starting to panic again... what happens if she rejects me and things get awkward or difficult. OR what happens if she accepts!? either way i'm stressing out... and i am dying inside at the thought of a messy night ahead.

she takes a breath at 04:59 p.m.

Friday, November 9, 2007

i had trouble sleeping cos for some reason i woke up at around 4 or 5 and have been awake since. decided that it was no use lying around i might as well get up. but well the real reason i couldnt go back to sleep was cos i was getting over-excited about today!! will be meeting her at around 3 i suppose. and we'll have 3 hours to kill before we both start work. talked to Zy last night, been a million years, and she said to go for it and dont waste the opportunity cos i wont know what couldve been if i left it like this. and i guess today is my last chance of anything happening if i want to do it face to face. and i'm totally freaking out and shitless right now cos i'm nervous. and i also stayed awake cos i couldnt stop thinking about being with her. if it does happen, which i highly doubt, i will be over the moon! and i just pray like hell that i'm not setting myself up for a disaster cos i dont think i could handle that right now. i will be subtle that's for sure. i dont think i would be able to just spill my feelings about her like that. and then maybe, hopefully, she'll take my one million hints and finally react. and it would be even better if i get a positive reaction! oh godd. the butterflies are back... have to suffer thru lunch with the girls first.. if Sera ever wakes up and calls me... =/

she takes a breath at 07:59 a.m.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

well i asked to get very drunk and that's what i got. so so drunk that i drunkdialled her and made a fool of myself. and spilled my guts to so many people and got so emotional it's not funny. i cried 3 times in one night. that's pathetic. i just couldnt control it. everyone probably thinks it was all cos of my feelings for her and whatnot. but i think that was just a trigger. i've been feeling unstable for a couple of months now. it just took her and alcohol to get it out of me. well i needed a good cry anyway what better time and place then with workmates. and people that understand what i'm going thru.. well one guy anyway. he was the only one that seemed to have something to say that helped... everyone else that i talked to just tried to generally console me. now my only fear is that someone might slip and tell her tmr or on sat. i will shit myself if that happens.

but on the bright side, she told me today that my drunken call last night entertained her before a bad night. cos she broke up with her boyfriend later on. well she said it was kinda mutual, but she was a little sad too. and i know i shouldnt be happy about it, but hey it gives me hope! at least she's single now so if i do try anything or if anything happens, i dont have anything to feel guilty about! i know i'm probably setting myself up to get hurt and all that. but i really do like her.. and i really do hope that something comes to fruition, even if it's a one night accident. =D

she takes a breath at 05:53 p.m.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

i have been responsible today and was studious. mostly. for some reason i slept through my alarm and woke up at 1! ohgodd. i think i'm still catching up on my weekend of lost sleep. but yeah i have been diligent today and studied, still studying now, but i'm getting antsy and losing concentration. i said i was over it. but i dont think i am. as i dozed off last night, i caught myself picturing us together and yeahh... then i woke up from the subconscious sleepy dream and shouted inwardly to QUIT IT. i cannot afford to hope too much anymore cos it's messing with me badly, and i dont want to hurt myself over nothing. and i wont be seeing her much since she'll be away for awhile too. i just wish today and tomorrow morning was over so i can just get out and have alot of drinks and hopefully forget it all.

she takes a breath at 05:31 p.m.

Monday, November 5, 2007

i think it really is over this time.. i'm ok tho... i've let in sink in finally, and i'm not being unreasonable with it. it's pretty clear to me that she isnt interested like that, and that she flirts naturally with everyone, and that it wasnt a hint to me. and with the other girl, i still need a bit more time to think it out. the 1 or 2 hours of messing around in the kitchen cant really be used as solid evidence of anything. AND omg she's 17 too, i just found that out. SERIOUSLY. what is wrong with me... there seems to be an interconnecting pattern for all of them. =/ well it's a couple of busy weeks for everyone now, so i cant plan on anything happening at the moment. who knows maybe Wednesday could be another big night for me... but i doubt it. and hopefully December onwards it will get better... hopefully i can meet more people.. unfortunately, my moral support wont be in Brisbane for most of the time so i have to do this by myself =( can i buy confidence?

oh i should mention, i missed my exam this morning.. first of all i woke up 30mins before it started.. and i realised that my throat was on fire.. it hurt pretty bad and i was still really sleepy so i decided not to do it and went to the doctors.. it wasnt all bad cos she actually wrote "Mild Pharyngitis" on the form.. so i am actually sick! haha so anyway, 2 months to study for it now, at least i have a chance of passing it then!

she takes a breath at 10:03 p.m.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

most of the night wasted again. the boys were running late and we ended up getting to TheBeat at around 1 i was not very pleased... but we got a drink and i simmered.. and then dancing and i was happy again.. AND i saw the same girl from Fri night, not the trashy one tho. HOTT! but for some reason i think there's a silent miscommunication between us. i think she thinks i'm stalking her or something. but i SWEAR i did no such thing.. it's a crazy coincedence that we were there on both nights and kept appearing in the same area all night... well she's a regular. so i'm the extra here. still. she is hot... but yeah i wasnt stalking. i dont get why she had to keep leaving when she saw me. or maybe i'm just paranoid again. i dont know... ahh well i wont know until i go there again sometime soon.

but now i'm just stressing about not having studied AT ALL for tomorrow's paper and i am so tired i'm pretty sure i'm gonna collapse. i cant stand on my feet and my eyes are heavy. that's what u get for not sleeping from 2pm Friday and only having an hour's nap. and working both days and going out veryverylate. such a vigorous lifestyle i dont think i could keep it up for too long... but i will try! more drinks on Wednesday tho, i hope it's doesnt get too dramatic. and hopefully some Ips girls will be coming along too YAY! a little celebration for many occasions at once. could be very messy we're starting from 4! yay.

she takes a breath at 04:55 p.m.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

what a filthy FILTHY night. didnt catch that band cos no one wanted to pay the $20 cover (HA!!) so we hung around at someone's place till we decided to go out for 1 drink and then bring cartons back. after the night stalking we ended up at TheBeat (FINALLY!) and then they left, so i headed to Pancakes where Sera so kindly met me to go out. i was feeling thirsty and in a clubbing mood and i thank her for eternity for doing it for me... =D and yess we found our way back to TheBeat heh. it was so dull for me tho cos there was nothing happening and i was just not drunk enough i suppose. and damn you, sera!! but i will not divulge any details... GRRRRRR. anywayyy. in the end i got trashy and i dont even know why i did it she wasnt exactly a looker. ha. oh well when in Rome i guess! a fun night.

work was slightly less fun cos i had no sleep since 2pm Friday and i only finished at 3 pm today. the breakfast(S), coffee and V helped me quite a bit actually so thankgod i didnt drink that much in the first place! dropped in small bursts, which was a pleasant surprise i thought i wouldve died there on the floor! this tired high is some kind of wonderfull...

but more excitement for me when i clocked off! managed to get her on her break so i hung around to chat with her, BUT I KEPT GETTING INTERRUPTED BY ALL THESE OTHER RUDE PEOPLE WHO DONT UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF PRIVACY!!!!!!!! ok, i'm ok now. i was sad. cos obviously nothing happened. the goodbye hug was quite nice tho... very meaningful. well maybe she just didnt want to make a scene while at work, i dontknow! but then later on as i was saying goodbye again, i got distracted and somehow stayed almost 2 more hours. heh. she distracted me and i really didnt want to leave. cos it was probably the last time i'd see her in awhile. i'm pretty sure i was kinda obvious, well to a few of the girls there anyway. and some sexy dancing and ass grabbing and nipple pinching (OHH!!) moments later, i was in girl heaven. but then another Ips girl made some comments and remarks to me which got me wondering, WHAT THE FUCK is she on about?! and what the fuck is with me and the Ips girls... goddd. i really have the best decisions with options in front of me... i was sad to leave but i finally did cos i got in the way of the boys, and i was distracting the girls. heh. oh well. cant help it but i'm making a name for myself... K told me that i had to meet people outside of Pancakes, but i suppose the reason why all these dilemmas are happening to me is cos i dont really want to meet randoms but i want to get to know people i've already met. THUS PANCAKES GIRLS. *screams* so frustrating!! it's bittersweet now, when will i see them again? when will anything more happen, tonight? how am i gonna take the fuckin exam on Mon?! fuck.

she takes a breath at 05:51 p.m.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

fuck. so well, she is in a relationship. i guess it's over for me. i am very sad at the moment. but she told me that it's not gonna last long cos he goes overseas in a couple of months. and they're not gonna bother to hold on to it. which gives me HOPE. AND!! we're gonna be in perth for newyears. so we're gonna meet up.. let's hope she doesnt flake on the plan... cos i really do like her, and i just want something to happen although i know i cant have her. ah well. such is life. i'm feeling shitty at the moment, but i'll get thru it. may be going out tmr night to catch a band play with K. if she goes. but Sat night is out now cos she's not doing anything.. i suppose it's not the best time of the year to be planning anything.. unfortunately she's got plans for the rest of the holidays i think. damn school. but still. i'm going to continue the flirting and hopefully she gets the hint before long!

she takes a breath at 10:09 p.m.