i'm sitting here staring at the wall. i dont want to watch TV. neither do i feel like talking to anyone. well maybe there's someone i might wanna talk to, but that's besides the point. TristanPrettyman has been on repeat. and i've fallen in love with her. her voice, the lyrics, the melodies. but even with all the love i'm feeling towards her, i cant help feeling so down and depressed. now i know what it feels like to be completely immersed in a song. it's not necessarily a depressing song, it's just the mood. i'm in one of those moods. and i almost started crying when i received another text. fuck it. why cant i just make a decision already?? i cant take it...

she takes a breath at 10:45 p.m.

i remembered a dream i had on Monday morning. it wasnt very pleasant. i dont know how but i ended up in someone's house. along with someone else. i think we were invited by one of the others living there or something. but when that person came out and we caught sight, it was unbelievable. i cant describe the feeling when we had visual, i think i was speechless. and then she saw us. and i think an argument broke out. about what she put us through i think.. it wasnt pretty. i was so upset by just seeing her, not just because i had to have some form of conversation... and now i only remember bits of the end, but i think i stormed out of the house with so much anger and hate. and i woke up in tears, curled in a ball, my heart so heavy. i thought i'd already gotten over the whole ordeal. but i suppose it was my subconscious trying to tell me i've still got some unresolved issues. i was devastated. happy as i was to realise it was a bad dream, how could i have dreamt it without even thinking about it for so long? *sigh*

and also, i feel like i might be backing off the other thing now. i've been having negative feelings about it that i cant describe. it's just complicated. i want to make it work, but i dont know how to do it all. rarrr! it's difficult for me. but i think it's about bloody time i have something for once in my bloody life. *sigh*

she takes a breath at 08:16 p.m.

Monday, May 29, 2006

fuck man i need to control myself more. with the drinking i mean. but the thing is, without the drinking the whole situation gets complicated. i wouldnt know how to act if i was sober and alert. i'd be thinking too much for sure. but damn so much happened last night, although so little and trivial. but he took care of me and i'm grateful. and now i just wait for the moment. i made him try again, cos it was lost on a drunk me haha! ohh drunk hands and legs arent a very good mix though. i hope i didnt do anything i might regret now...

but i'm not sure i'm ready for this. it couldnt have come at a worse time, and it couldnt have come at a better one either. i'm not ready to handle complications, i'm not ready to handle emotions other than my own, but i want it so bad it's not funny anymore. erhhh i just pray i dont fall on my face. and i dont want anyone to get hurt. and how weird is it gonna be this Friday!! shit. and if we do meet in the week, hmmm things may go further. and i wonder if anyone else at Pancakes actually knows. i dont mean suspicions, i mean if anyone has asked him or if he told anyone... how interesting!

made a good decision in my drunken state last night though! resisted the temptation to continue on to Ipswich. and i'm glad i did too, cos i realised this morning that i'd be so pissed having to wake up at 7! he left for work at 8! i woke up at 10 and still hit snooze.. yay for me!!

oh godddd what have i got myself into.....

she takes a breath at 01:43 p.m.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

i cant fucking concentrate i'm trying to do this last lab report and i have to hand it in on Wednesday not Thursday as per normal cos i'm working this Thursday so time is of the essence! but all the time in the world is useless when you cant concentrate. errrhhh. i cant concentrate cos i keep thingking about all this that's going on at the moment. he completely threw me off when he sent me another "hello, how are you?" text awhile ago! and when i told him i'm still doing my assignment, he never replied me and now i'm going mad just cos. how crazy is this?! fuck. and i'm having them butterflies again. what for, god only knows. it's just the thought of anything remotely related to it all that sets them off. *sigh*

she takes a breath at 08:41 p.m.

ayee.. another night out. i'm glad i'm not hungover, although i havent done anything except the laundry and have lunch today. so i might as well have been hungover!

we closed pretty early cos it was dead. got out at 845, but we signed out at 9 haha! and went right to Omalley's for good clean fun. got right high/drunk through the night, but i learnt my lesson well from Thursday, and i drank water in between. very useful lesson i will keep till my end. i believe the count was 6 again, but this time we went on a world tour and the alcohol content was more intense. and so that's why i became prematurely blind and unstable, but mind you my memory was commendable. and no. NOTHING happened. (damnit) but i think i pulled that stick out of my ass a little bit more, with the aid of alcohol of course.

*sigh* if i could export and store the text messages, i'd be a happy camper. just reading them over makes me smile. of course i smiled in the first attempt cos i was smiling anyway, ear to ear, with eyes half closed probably... but i reiterate myself. why is he so vague?? it's like dealing with a split personality! maybe he needs to get smashed first... hmmm. but then again, words like "hot" and "gorgeous" seem to be well-used. and he became very suggestive at the end....

just replaying the scenes from when i arrived at Toowong station. i wonder if there were any witnesses. i skipped off just as the doors closed, collapsed into the bench, and this chick thought i was waiting for the next train, until i told her i just needed to sit and sober down before i could walk again! then i proceeded to walk into walls, shout into my phone at sera, stumble through the door while failing to not make a sound, fumble around the room, crash into the toilet, and actually TELL him i was on the toilet! *cringes* i was SO drunk!

she takes a breath at 02:44 p.m.

Friday, May 26, 2006

what a day what a day. i mean yesterday of course. well, day/night. got into the city around 330... and spent about 3 hours at Omalley's, almost smashed. if yesterday was anything to go by, i'm gonna have to pace myself tonight.

6 drinks in the 3 hours without any water! i think that's where i went wrong. but damn it. why is he so VAGUE about it all?? he's just not giving anything away man! but then when i get the next 10 texts, it's a 180 change! rarrrr.

i couldnt sleep all night cos my stomach was feeling dodgy. thank god i'm not hungover or anything, but i dont think i'll eat for awhile. but yeah in the hours through the night that i tossed and turned, i kept thinking about stuff. i was so sure i wasnt going to do anything about it all. and now i'm thinking about the possible scenarios if anything does happen. what the hell it would be soooo weird at work! *sigh* but actually i'm scared too. i dont know what to do i really dont. i just hope things dont get out of hand. RARRR! i cant wait for tonight! =D

she takes a breath at 11:39 a.m.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

i think he just confirmed it for me! asked me out for tmr. i'm gonna have to brace myself all the way from when uni ends till i get to OMalley's. i know i'll be stressing through it. *sigh* omg. omg. omg! omg....

she takes a breath at 04:56 p.m.

watched Da Vinci Code at Southbank last night with Tash and Tony. yeah a good movie, i'd recommend it to anyone, whether or not you've read the book. but if you're the sort of person who likes talking during movies, or cant be fucked to pay attention, dont go then. this movie has a plot that lasts right till the end. the last minute was when the story comes to a climax, and then ends happily ever after, according to Tony hahah.

but yes enough of that. i wanted to spend five minutes here talking about something more personal. i dont know what the explanation is, but i think i was right before. and to put the cherry on the cake, i think we're watching Ross Noble later in july. hmmm. it was so subtle the way he did it, but i think he's expecting ME to be the other ticket holder yay!

this weekend is gonna be fun. we're going out Friday night, since the both of us have Saturday off. (YESS!!) and apparently, we're having cocktails, and i have no excuse not to because he is buying me my first LongIslandTea. yay. but i'm not making any moves cos i have this feeling that it's 'unethical', and it's not the way to go. but i mean it would be nice. i like the idea of it all. i'm flattered really. if it's true in the first place!

she takes a breath at 11:04 a.m.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

back from work. ok technically, i finished at 230, but stayed till 3 cos i was nice. and then bumped into Lin and her sis in toowong, so hung out for abit. but i am home.

but damn there's something more pressing that's bugging me these days. fri was a good night at work. it wasnt packed or anything. so the atmosphere was just fun. and yeah i was just cracking up with Tony. and i dont know... i'm having this weird thought about the whole thing. cant help thinking if there's something actually about to happen now. what the! i dont know why these thoughts come, and where they come from. it's all too random. but yeah just looking through my inbox, fuck. the count is 15 out of 20 now. [and fuck. he just said i make him smile, which is keeping him awake. what is THAT supposed to mean then??] i cant stop laughing now... he's funny. and according to him it's the funny-huhh type. HAHA. and he's been inviting me out to the pubs now.. there, my request has come true...

damnn i dont know... i'll just play this by ear. i wont do anything i wouldnt already do i suppose. how complicated.. but ooh how exciting. heh!

she takes a breath at 06:41 p.m.

Friday, May 19, 2006

it is friday! whoo. i felt rather productive today, washed my sheets and put on new ones too. yay for me! now i sleep in a clean bed that smells good once again. i feel so blessed. and then wasted one hour at uni for the lecture. and then got home as quick as i could cos it looked like it was gonna rain!!! *sobs* but yeah hurry up already i wanna get to work. i just hope Chris doesnt shoot me tmr. i hope it doesnt get mad crowded! well never will it get mad crowded like on bloody Mother's Day anyway... so yeah. it's all good. i really have nothing to say man! bleahh.

she takes a breath at 03:49 p.m.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

ahhh. i finally get a day of rest. well thankfully, i got the lab report out of the way. handed it in today, a whole day early! go me! so i've made the whole day free for tmr hooray! a day of rest that i dont really deserve actually. cmon... 34% for Physiology?? i'm gonna have to get at least 50% on the final to actually pass the damn course. shit. i gotta start work soon.

but to a less academic thinking... Tony told me today that my Pancakes shirt has arrived. yay! a true blue Pancakes staff now. i'll wear it with pride. speaking of Tony, i think he's in love with me... HAHAHA ok i'm just kidding. it's just cos he's been sending me texts recently on random topics.. and he invited me to their movie "date" next week. haha he cracks me up, the silly English boy. i love working with him. prob the only one i like working with, not cos he's the greatest worker or anything, it's just the entertainment factor. hmm. well, maybe i'm in love with him? nahhh. not possible. but it would be fun to go out with him sometime, to a pub i mean... well that's what he spends all his pay on anyway, i dont see why i cant get some of it! ha!

she takes a breath at 07:45 p.m.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

woahh just a week later, and i hated work like it was the devil! ok no i dont have anything against Pancakes, but i hate the mothers who decided to bring their families of 8 for bloody pancakes. and fuck them all who come without making reservations. and fuck the Manor for diverting the crowd to Broadway. how the fuck did they expect us to accomodate their crowd?? bloody fools, the lot. i had not one minute of break today, no drink, no food, no toilet. i was stuck in the coffee room for the whole shift, and when we closed i was stuck in the dishdrop. how frustrating and painful was that! i kept having little outbursts to myself, and whoever else that would listen i.e: Dylan and Trish. yeah all 5 of us had to close... and we still got out 45mins later! so now, i'm a bag of aching bones. my arms cant stay up without quivering. 247 customers! damn!!

i'm so hungry, so cold, so tired. it's the worst possible combination i think. and i'm supposed to do that lab report tonight. i just took a look at it and i dont know what to do! i cant think. my body had shut down on me... need. reboot. systems. fail. . . .

she takes a breath at 06:39 p.m.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Sunday was the best fun i had at work! yeah partly due to Brooke leaving.. haha she was sick so Tony took over her in the kitchen with me, so that's why it was fun! i stress with Brooke. anyways, yeah i think i got too used to being in the kitchen.. haha bossing Dylan around, and basically just enjoying it there. i dont have to deal with the customers! and no till! counting money is not my thing.. but i miss the coffee machine. it was a dear friend for 6 months, i couldnt bear to leave it. no fret, we will be re-united this Sunday! bloody full shift on the floor. erhh.

but in all seriousness, work keeps me sane. i dont know what i'd do if i wasnt at Pancakes. it's not the most glamorous job. but the ppl are ok, the pay is decent, and it's not completely strenuous. it's been good to me, so i owe it that much to do a good job! i think i am anyway.

handed in the Essay yesterday.. geeez what a load off my shoulders! but fuck 40% is actually quite alot. in comparison to 20% in the final. what a joke! now i stress over the group project, i havent gotten anything prepared for the meeting tmr.. hmmm slacker. but what can i do, it's a GROUP effort. i cant just do things on my own. i wish i could.. group projects are shit. dont like having to depend on others, or having to compromise, having to collaborate and stuff. mehh. whatever. i just want it to be over. then i can concentrate on studying. or attempting to study. cos at least then it's all on me. and there's no interference from others. and i'm not responsible for anyone, and no one is responsible for me. *sigh*

she takes a breath at 10:24 p.m.

Saturday, May 6, 2006

alas. an interval from the non-stop brain-wrecking since i got home today. okok i took a break for dinner... and watched mindless tv! but i practised self-control when i turned the tv off and continued working. proud as proud can be! i am please to announce that i have ONE paragraph left, and proof-reading and adjustments, to give me the highest mark possible! i dont set the bar too high, i know my limits.

i also took this break to mention my day at work. first kitchen shift ever went pretty well. i was shitting myself over it since last night. walking down Maryvale, i remembered that it was the kitchen shift tomorrow (Today) and i was like "OHMYGODD!!" and started stressing. as only i take things out of proportion and go mad. but it was good. well, it helped that i knew the basics of what was needed in the kitchen. prepare side salads. cook the pancakes, the crepes, the sausages, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns. plate the food. i just have to learn the fine art of Funny Face designing, juggling 5 dockets with orders of 4s, not crashing into the other kitchen staff, and i'll be set! easy as. Round 2 tmr morning, but not before i start the day with some good 'ol Floor opening. Tony's train doesnt get him in on time, so i'm covering for him till he gets there. but then i adjourn to the kitchen! i hope Brooke doesnt get shitty on me.. i'm learning! it should be fun...

she takes a breath at 09:19 p.m.

Thursday, May 4, 2006

ok i just realised a couple of days ago that this Essay is worth 40% of the final grade! what the!! but well at least i can say i've got half of it done by tonight. the word count is currently at 1140 or less. and since i've got all day tmr, and saturday after work, and sunday till i fall asleep with my face in the keyboard, i think i'm going fine.. sure i admit that i'm way too distracted by the radio at the moment. Roots&All is on now!! cant bloody concentrate.

speaking of work, i'm getting a little bit jittery about Saturday's kitchen shift. my first ever proper time in the kitchen, where i have to make the stuff we serve to the customers. exciting, yes, but scary. come to think of it, i cant even remember what it was like on my first shift way back in November! not knowing how to make coffee, never serving plates to customers before.. hmm. now i'm up to the next level in the heirarchy of Pancakes. haha! i guess when i finish that first kitchen shift, preferably in the 'Successful' category, i can truly say i'm not one of the Newbs anymore! yipee.

so ok. since i've been busy with assignments and work, i havent been having much time to myself, or to hang out. i havent had a life since that stayover weeks ago. i need some alcohol in my diet! but the stupid thing is, the next public holiday is wasted on the bloody Exam week! Queen's Birthday falls on the 12th, when my first paper is on the 10th. rarrr. a perfectly good holiday out the window.

she takes a breath at 10:40 p.m.

Monday, May 1, 2006

God DAMN it!! the last holiday till revision week just ended! and revision week isnt really a holiday, is it... FUCK. it's crunch time, productivity-wise. i have to complete this 2000 word essay by noon on Monday, and then the Group Project a week after that. rarr! hate realising, as always, what i should have done... i know i should have started earlier.. i know. i should have planned ahead. i know. i know i'm gonna hand in a not-all-there essay cos i wasted time. i know! i dont want to go back there... *sobs* why dont i EVER learn? [notice i dont mention studying? yeah it's not up there on my priorities list at the moment.. haha says alot about me doesnt it?]

i'm just too distracted now.. with irrelevant stuff, i admit.. i spend hours on the net looking to snap up freebies to add to my not-so-vast music collection. not that there's an unlimited space on this thing anyway... and i think this thing is gonna die on me very soon. all the signs point to death. but i dont care. i know i dont have money for a new one, but i'm looking forward to it anyway!

*sings* I just dont know what to do with myself. Just dont know what to do with myselffff.

she takes a breath at 10:37 p.m.