Monday, February 28, 2005

confusion. utter confusion!

ok i think it's about time i updated this. so many things have happened in one weekend i dont know where to begin!

ok about the Perth guy.. i think i dont like him anymore... how fickle of me it took less than 2 days! hahah.. but anyway. yeah he doesnt talk to me so the feeling isnt mutual. haha.

next on the list. Happy Belated to Chiew! hope you had a GREAT one. i'm sure you did hehehe. a whole explosion of unexpected things happened within that 30 minutes.. it hasnt sunk in for me. but i'm sure you're happy. =)

and now back to the very self-centred me! i cant believe what i found out over the way-past-midnite chat at Pauline's... firstly, i had no idea i was being obvious about it. How could Nadia think that we were an item!!?? that still shocks me to the bone... and i do not "glow" when i'm around him... rubbish. i really made it a point to be discreet. i guess i failed!

Chiew just had to suggest that maybe he's interested too... and i thought i was completely over him. i've finally gotten comfortable being around him and stuff. just as i stopped feeling conscious and awkward around him, this happens. ARRGGHH! i dunno... the fact that there is a good possibility just turned me over. i cant control it. could the reason for his constant picking on me be cos he's interested?? i need some answers!!!

talked to Sera and abit with Chiew, i've made a decision to test him out.. but later on.. i dont know what i'm gonna do, but i need to do it. for my peace of mind.. the last few nights have been spent tossing and turning, thinking about this. i go to sleep with him in my thoughts. but deep down, i think i dont really want this. i think i'm getting excited over this cos i'm getting a little impatient, and i just want sth to happen. but i know that he's not the most suitable.. i mean he can get reeeaaally annoying. hmmm.

i think i need a game plan. Sera and Chiew, and Bev.. i'm gonna need your help ok... dont leave me standing on my own. this is so frustrating.. the more i think abt it, the more impatient i get!! not good at all.

well there are more important things going on now.. like starting uni!! hahah had my first couple of lectures today. mann it's so bloody intimidating.. my Mission isnt going too well. i've got no guts. hahah! i'm gonna have to stop being conscious and start getting LOOSE!! =P

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 06:32 p.m.

Friday, February 25, 2005

*gush gush*

omygoooddddd.. i reallyreallyreally like him! i cant keep this to myself anymore. why do u have to be in perth!? i think he thinks i'm a little too desperate? added him on MSN.. but he's not talking!! i'm dying here.. this is heartbreaking. maybe he figured i'm some kid. but the pics make him look like a 22 yr old kid too! *gushgush* just kill me.

before the drama, there was more drama! had this big thing with Nad.. both of us got all upset abt the whole thing.. it was quite bad really. i dunno. it's getting too much to handle now. i'm gonna wash my hands off other ppl's affairs, although it hurts me to see it happen...but by doing so, i feel like i'm giving up on my friends.. which i dont wanna do! this is all too emotional for me. i cant take anymore. not now.

hung out with Bev all day today.. hahha she's soo funny! "Daniel"!!! such a child. i hope you read this soon BEV!!! said it herself, she wants to blend in with us... cos she rates us highly!! ahahah! whatever!

ohhhmigodd sidetrack! he's back!!!! i'm in heaven!!! happy place! will continue another day... = )

ok this is just to update on the night... he is such a weird funny guy.. cracks lame jokes.. but he's cute! but i think this is just an infatuation.. cos the feeling isnt so strong now... hmmm. why perth??
[Sunday, 10:36pm]

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 12:04 a.m.

Monday, February 21, 2005

OWeek begins!

first day of OWeek today... VERY informative. NOT. although there were some eyecandy in the hall. hehe. so it wasnt all that bad... count is at 3! introduced myself to an American girl- Christine- while waiting to get in. hmm it is quite easy to be loose i guess.. i just to lose that inhibitions abit more.

i'm feeling a little bad about myself today.. i noticed that i'm being very selective with the ppl i choose to hang with.. i think that some ppl may find me a bitch or whatever by the end of the year. with all my physical changes in less than 2 mths, i'm beginning to pull away. but if it means i get to start anew, i guess losing this isnt so bad after all.. i mean, it's not like i've been the happiest with this anyway..

hung out with Bev all day today. i dont know why, but i feel so at ease talking to her about non-trivial matters. she listens, and i listen. she's maturer than most all of my friends, so i think it's good. yay! my almost-neighbour! now that she's single, i guess she'd want to hang out with friends more to get her mind off it? i dont know.. but it's just good to have at least 1 person to REALLY hang out with. =)

but even if i come out with a million friends this year, i think i'll still really miss my Mousey, Sha and Mamat.. these ppl mean the world to me! and Nad too. but i didnt really get to see her much. everytime i think about it, i get depressed. it's just that i dont know what's gonna happen. we drifted alot, and it wasnt resolved b4 i left.. so now it's just hanging in the air! errrgh. *sigh*

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 06:16 p.m.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Emo Diaries

balls. friendster is finally back in working condition. and fuck. i managed to read the message Nad sent me... shitmannn.. all the emotion is just killing me now. when i read it i was just allscrewedupinside. i cried, and i vented, and i was just all blah-ed. UURRRGH.

Fizah came online and made me worry... sth she had to tell me.. left me in the dark like this... felt so upset! and i chatted with MY MOUSEY and ZY! whoo!!! happiness in a split second. was really good to speak with them again if only for a short while.. SERENE!! i love you girl. you are still a bad influence and u know it, now especially... but i will try go across to meet up with you soon. rem when i was down there the last time, i was so sure of rejecting ur offer of a ciggie. and now look at me! hahaha!

oh mann... tmr is a day of hanging out with the girls... i sure hope i dont get all EMO on them.. but Bev isnt gonna be there!! hope she's fine now.. she'll be moving in to DepperSt. should make things much better. i'm glad to have someone like her ard.. i truly wish we could be closer this yr.. she's sucha gd person. get along so easily, yet she's 6 yrs older! i guess we meet halfway...

got my Student ID yesterday.. my pic isnt horrendous thankgod! so i'm proud of it! ahhaha. now i feel official. i'm not floating anymore! cant wait for OWeek to begin.. that's where my life begins. Mission No.2 is in progress.. count for now is at 2!! let's move it along soon?

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 01:44 a.m.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Back in Action

first official day in Brissy.. spent the day doing Uni admin stuff. how exciting! i enrolled today.. and i'll be collecting the ID tmr.. oooh i dont know if i'm ready... apprehensive about Mission No.2 dont know if i can go through with it. Serene said it should be easier cos no one knows me so i can "start fresh"! i suppose.. but i'm still very conscious.. errrgh.

was feeling a little down for awhile... but the feelings are now just simmering.. not totally controlling or anything like that. thank god! but i just heard a song and i'm so having clubbing withdrawals!! kill me. and everyone is just fucking smoking ard here... chimneys. BAH! i'm gonna die.

well. gotta get up early to accompany Sera to QUT.. since she was nice enough to accompany Bev and i today! later homies.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 01:00 a.m.

Monday, February 14, 2005

part 2: teenage strife

soo... now that i got all that off my chest, alhough it seems to me that there will never be enough words to express it... i know for a fact that i've drastically changed in one month.. my behaviour for one. if it were any other time in my life, i would never be as LOOSE as i was.. never be so carefree without any inhibitions.. all that clubbing has changed me as a person. since when do i pick up random guys to have conversations with! or make friends with the bouncer? well. i just hope that the abrupt switch in my lifestyle isnt gonna make me all down and depressed again! but i think i will be...

i realise now that it wasn't such a good idea to have all that fun.. cos now that i'm here, im having withdrawal symptoms.. and it SUCKSSS!! i feel like i just up-ed and left civilisation to join another planet.. i'm feeling soooo disoriented and missing them like crazyyyy. there will never ever be a person to even come close to replacing them. i cant see it happening. that's why i'm so fucking upset now. and perhaps i'm in denial... but there's a nagging thought that says my mood is due to my recent new adventure... because right now, i think i'm having ciggie cravings... SERENE its all your fault... i think it's gonna start.

and i also want to get off my chest how stupid i am!!!! why dont i use my head when i get tipsy!?! fuckin hell.. it could've been sth to remember. he seemed so sweet, and i let him slip right out of my hands. literally!! then i came to my senses an hr too late, and realised that i blew my one and only chance of accomplishing at least 1 of my 3 missions in 2005. being loose wasnt a prob... but i let him get away!! cant really rem his face.. but Mamat claims that he looks pretty good. WHYYYY!!!! someone slap me... i want my Hafiz!!! i'll hunt him down in Yishun if i have to, the next time i go there. Mystique has been the site of my newfound personality... i owe it to them, and i hope they never shut down.. Tommy i'll miss your kisses on my cheeks.. and to the DJ: DROP IT LIKE ITS HOTT!

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 03:12 p.m.

Monday, February 14, 2005

part 1: an ode to joy

oh bloody hell.. i am back in Brissy... and i so wish i was back in SG!! it's been a depressing few days for me... inner turmoil.. emotions runnin high.. and the fact that it's Valentine's Day is of no help at all!!

since i got back in SG, i've just had no stress. all my worries dissolved. never felt such freedom before. it was such a good feeling to be back, among familiar territory, familiar faces.. but so many things have changed. no. so many PPL have changed. myself included! the ppl you once considered friends seem to avoid you.. and those you were never close with, you now cant live without!

Serene. i'm so glad to have you as my mousey!!! i'm missing you bad right now.. when i read the letter on the plane, i couldnt help myself.. but i had to be strong... sandwiched between 2 strangers, i couldnt possibly start bawling! the tears came quietly.. and left quick cos of the lame things that made me laugh! "an zhang!", "pehhhhh", little things that make the best memories. thank you for the best month.

Sharifah and Mamat. oh my where do i even begin with these 2? who would've thunk it! they became the ppl i look forward to seeing everytime, who hung out with us even when it was way past midnight. the ones who helped me take care of a certain drunken Ser when i was all alone... Thanks guys!!! you rock my world. i love you both. oh and you 2 better not throw it away.. you know what i mean. and another thing... everytime i listen to Marley and The Wailers, i'm just gonna lose it and break down. it's happened once already.. but i love you both for it.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 02:49 p.m.