yeah FUCK is the word. uni starts tomorrow. and i'm sure as hell not looking forward to 9am. although a slight consolation, my timetable is looking merciful at the moment. i mean, it does suck ass that i have 3 early mornings. but i dont have long/late days all week like i used to! great. i feel so much better. whatever it is, 9am tomorrow means the start of me having to use my head, having to deal with new people again, having assignments and exams to stress over. and i have added stress over that fucking ANAT1005 that i failed. what am i gonna do next sem?? erhh. fuckwit.

but on a happier note, next week's roster is very fulfilling! i have Friday night, Saturday, and a full shift on Sunday. 17.5 hours! ok, Paul really meant it when he said he'll cram as much of my 20 hours in 3 days. i think i look forward to work more than uni. cos now i feel like i'll miss it. boohoo. can i transfer my visa to a working holiday?

overseas studies are over-rated. i only like the "overseas" part of it.

she takes a breath at 06:19 p.m.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

what's the date today? 18th February. Signons complete. 5-day weekss for the next 5 months. errrh. and one week left before the start of boredom. and Ray has already been here 5 days, and she leaves Brissy tonight. BAH.

i hate how time flies by. this was the first proper week of holiday i've had all summer. i actually did holiday stuff. we went to a couple of Weekend Markets around Brissy, went to Eumundi Markets, stayed at the caravan park at AlexHeads again. glad to have helped in Ray finding her future dream home. haha! drove along Sunshine Coast and walked through a few of the beaches. got a tan, not that i needed one... did some shopping, wasted alot of money. and had a great week of relaxation. ahhh. now i wish this started earlier, and never ended. damn it!

but i had a rather difficult time trying not to think about things. it was at the back of my mind, constantly resurfacing. bothering me to no end. it's like, i'm seeing the light. and it's a very blinding one too. but i know i cant help it being there. the truth stinks. why do i have to go through it all over again. whatever. i've got about 2 hours left with Ray here. i'm glad she came. took my mind of things abit...

she takes a breath at 09:09 p.m.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

i found myself waking up this morning thinking about my childhood years. for some unknown reason, memories of the first years after the Mother left was bugging me. i remember being at Auntie Maggie's house, and Dad picked us up on Sunday. and TheWoman, spoken as though it were the name of the lead villain in a superhero movie, was in the front seat. the horror! she took over our front seat, and got ready to take over everything else.

then i remember the years when Mommy lived at Cyprus Road, Sembawang. that house. i loved it, without knowing it then. a nice spacious house built for the British and they're families from way back when. i remember Pauline, one of the housemates. and her partner and his kids. she brought me along for a water skiing trip with them once. haha my first real encounter communicating with Caucasian people of the world. i remember playing pictionary with the housemates and co one night too. and also Christine Benjamin coming over to do a last-minute project for primary school. and the bad memories of- 3 guesses- fighting with Mommy because i was fighting with Tash, and getting kicked out of the room and threatened out of the house in the middle of the night. i was so scared. crying and screaming at the door. but now thinking back, i think i actually saw a look on Tasha's face, something like satisfaction, when i copped the shit. errrh makes my blood boil.

so what was the point of all this? i havent got a clue. a little nostalgic maybe? i want to go back to a simpler time. well, for me at least. there's too much happening in the world now that i have to deal with. whether i like it or not. and time is flying by faster than ever. i'm not comfortable with how things are looking. it makes me uneasy just thinking about it. you never what could happen when you wake up the next morning. if you wake up.. ok. a little too morbid there... but yeah. life scares me, from where i'm standing. i'm not so sure i'm gonna make it.

she takes a breath at 11:42 p.m.

Monday, February 6, 2006

i'm getting some weird feelings these days. not weird-gross. just that, i think i shouldnt be having them, and i'm feeling kinda guilty and stuff. shit. i dont know... i think i feel trapped is what it is. trapped. by the fact that i realise what is happening from an outsider's point of view. trapped. for feeling anger towards them, and feeling anger towards myself. trapped. for knowing that i shouldnt be feeling these feelings in the first place, but cant help it. trapped. for hoping that people concerned dont find out about them, and hoping that they go away. just trapped.

i gotta get me outta here. gotta get me a life. someone said repression only intensifies things. i just hope i dont do or say anything i would regret.

she takes a breath at 10:11 p.m.

Saturday, February 4, 2006

right. none of our plans for thursday night were followed! didnt have dinner at home, but joined Chiew and Mel, and about 20 other ppl for dinner in Southbank! there was this Optometry Graduation thingy, which we joined in by distant association. haha. anyway, we did have one drink at home.. cos they had to put their bags at my place and change, so i had to come all the way back and then go all the way to the city again! had a world of disappointments cos bloody Caesars and BrisbaneUnderground were EMPTY. *sigh*

went to DanceBar at TheVic eventually. pretty good, since it was Student's night. WOOT! cheap drinks! and yeah the dancefloor was EVENTFULL. for some of us anyway.. i wasnt drunk enough. *coughcough-Chiew-and-Mel-coughcough* hahahah! had fun though... cabbed it home, after being so badly disappointed. but i realised today, it could be because the Rail ppl were on strike from midnight thurs.. maybe that's why there wasnt anyone in the city?

Poor Chiew and Mel had it worse though. they're plans to go to Surfer's were screwed thanks to the Rail strike too! didnt know till they got to Central. so yeah.. these damn strikes.. all this unionism and stuff. BLAH to that.

she takes a breath at 04:40 p.m.

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

ooooh weee! another night out planned for tmr.. Chiew, Mel and myself are going to Caesars for the RnB thingy.. hope it's good. gonna have a couple of drinks at home first before heading out. cant wait! u know... this last month better last as long as possible.. cos when uni starts, i will either have NO time, or be too tired to go out cos i'll be working weekends. shit. back to having no life i guess.

she takes a breath at 04:48 p.m.