Thursday, September 2, 2004

simple dreams...

Dickhead has chosen to pretend that i didnt notice his silence for the past 2 days.. got all chummy with me again since i cooked dinner.. when he was supposed to, but went out probabaly to escape. huh. what a dickhead. well i fuckin asked for permission today so eat shit.

bloody stress level is increasing rapidly.. and dickhead is no help. just remembered that he recently bought a HUMONGOUS fish tank, the one you might find in a Chinese Seafood Restaraunt. and the bloody thing is, he used Tasha's credit card. it was almost fucking 100 bucks!! what the. couldnt believe he had the cheek to ask for money to buy a fish tank when he cant pay rent on time. bastard. and the bloody assignments are piling on mann!! AARRGGHH!!! ok. nad. breathe. in, out, in, out. there.... im better.

on a lighter note, i had a very nice dream a couple of nights ago.. i dreamt about Him. it was such a simple dream. i cant really remember any details, but i remember just sitting next to Him and not saying anything. it was a comfortable silence. i was happy. i think He was too. but i dunno what to make of that. why cant it be true? like i mentioned... it was a dream.. Christina Alibrandi said "the simplest dreams are the hardest to come true." i totally agree.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 10:34 p.m.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Fuckin Dickhead!

a rare chance at using the com at home.. well, i dont really wanna be here right now anyway.. some dickheads around here just accused me of being RUDE. well take a look at your reflection mister. there are many ways of being rude and you're definitely no exception. had to fuckin use ur bloody com for my assignments thank you very much. and its not like i didnt ask before i used it! i already said i needed it when we were having dinner. if you're so bloody polite why dont you prove it.. u dont do any work around here. u dont fuckin have a job. u dont fuckin study. u dont fuckin do anything but eat, sleep and play games 24/7 man! talk about me being rude? just your very existence is rude. GOD!! wake up Tash! what does he have (which is just a load of adipose layers under that odour-producing skin) that no other guy friend of yours doesnt. dont settle for sth u dont deserve.

today has just proven to be one of the fuckin worse days since i got here.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 09:09 p.m.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Blah.

in TS hoping Donna doesnt catch me doing this, which is highly unlikely coz im seated directly behind her! anywhos... we finish early coz she's sick.. just 5 mins left! i feel guilty for feeling happy. =(

Monday brought about a number of interesting events.. first up. i didnt go for Chem coz of the Seminars.. didnt have to coz they got a free period anyways! then Math Lect was filled with untimely 'Pops' by Phoebe and Yours Truly.. heheh. POP! Math lesson after lunch was very unusual. Max seemed a little off.. during the lecture he made a weird comment to some guy about having no brains.. hmm.. then he made this little joke about Phoebe and ___! hilarious shit!! omg was so not expecting it!! ahahah!

but today i feel a little weird. i think i've been in a crabby mood since lunch.. certain things said by some people really ticked me off.. maybe its just getting to that time of the month, but i was kinda offended.. made me feel like i dont belong in this group. dont belong here.. i dont really know what it is really. but it sucks shit.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 03:55 p.m.

Friday, August 27, 2004

asssignments.. bugger.

the week went by in a daze.. thankfully i finished my Chem Seminar.. so that leaves me with less stress.. but our whole group has finished too.. so now we can sit back and relax a little.. until next week comes and we have to do Physics Seminars.. AaAAAARRRGGHH!!

right now in the Com Lab.. was hoping to use the scanner for my assignments.. but it doesnt look im gonna get to use it today... bugger. im going to Uni to get some work done.. if only the libraries close late on Fridays too.. im sure i would get more work done then! so i suppose i better leave asap... motivation is so far away.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 11:30 a.m.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Seminars... ARRRGGHHH!!

had my freaking Chem seminar today!!?!?!?!?! i was the freaking first person in the whole freaking class!! what the freaking hell!!!! i almost died when Dave said "Why don't you go ahead first?" i thought he was kidding so i said "Are you serious...?" the look he gave me said no. had a mini heart attack.. then i started shaking with fright, then i realised that my ppt wasnt ready, and that definitely could be seen by the WHOLE class. it was so fucked up! the font was super large and squashed, and stuff was being blocked by other stuff. and my hand was shaking so much that the mouse was shaking on the screen because of it. i wanted to cry.. it looked like i had no ppt skills... but i doooo!!!! boohoo! btw, Chiew enlightened me with the fact that my whole presentation was 20 freaking minutes long!?! i didnt know i talked THAT slowly...

but other than that, IM SO FREAKING HAPPY that it's over. woohoo!! one down, 4 to go. rarr. i think i jinxed myself by telling everyone that i hoped i didnt go first.. or maybe Dave heard me and decided to be mean. hmph! Tasha told me the other day that it'd be better to go first cuz i "set the standard". ha! shit standard i set. Chris went after me and it was very scientific and all.. then Marie went and hers was cool.. like the images and stuff. and she was funny. my presentation was so silent, except for Dave's constant questions, that i could hear people breathing and my heart thumping in my chest. the only good thing about mine was.. err.. when Dave praised me for explaining my Bibliography... wtf.

right now, in the Com Lab "doing Physics research". obviously not really. mann... one week from now we have Physics seminars... I BETTER NOT BE FIRST!!!!! i will be nice to Steve and not laugh/giggle in class too much. Phoebe you better not screw up my plan!! hope i can get enough stuff by then! Donna wont be around for class tmr.. so if possible, Phoe and i finish at 12 baby!!!! woot! hope she puts up the roll by then... ha! i doubt it...

oh well... Express-ers are having their Sem. exams this week.. hohoho we were them once upon a time.. Max was studying for his Physics paper on this afternoon.. yeah he was studying alright.. studying the cards we were holding, then soon after his own set... hahaha! good luck trying to study in the Common Room.. especially with us around!

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 04:54 p.m.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Bullshittin'

all the shitty memories of that fateful night will not leave my mind... it sucks. and seeing him in school is no help either... playing cards on Thurs with him and some of the girls... we played Bluff! our new fav game.. anyway, we played from 1++ till just before 3.30 and then SHE appeared... took him a split second to leave us and join her... how curteous. i couldnt make a big deal of it then of course... but if i saw correctly, i think Steph and Chiew were watching me watch him. *rolls eyes*

by the way.. i have failed to mention that this little problem of mine has been known to practically the whole group without my knowledge!! just last week, Festia told me that herself, Nadia, Justine, Steph, and god knows who else knew about it... what the! thanx alot Chiew... i think it's Chiew who may have told them. cuz they couldnt possibly have found out from me! i make it a point to never show it on my face. in this situation, SECRECY is the best policy.

ok back to what i was saying... yeah! how could he have done that!? what Bev said that night is sooo true. or was it me? whatever.. he looked like a little dog following her wherever. pathetic... but im still saddd.

errhh. enough of all this emotional junk. im sick of listening to myself. i noticed that im beginning to be a little more hardworking lately.. like 2 weeks ago, i actually kinda studied for a Physics practice test.. and last week too. and i've managed to revise some work over the weeks... and i'm actually almost done with the Chem. seminar.. wow! Go Nadd!! woot! wherever this motivation is coming from, i hope it never goes away!!! maybe its indirectly coming from the whole new drama in my life? i dunno.. im just bullshitting here!

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 06:39 p.m.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

in class not doing much

in TS now... supposedly computer lesson, obviously not doin much work eh? hhahaha been reading blogs.

just wanted to wish Mitch a happy belated 17th bday! i know its pretty late.. but better late that never eh? and also.. happy belated 39th birthday Singapore! hahaha i think its 39.. whatever.. so sad i missed the parade and stuff... oh well. i think we get to leave now, so i'll re-post this entry at a more convenient time. ciaos!

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 04:18 p.m.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Broken Hearted Loser

im eating Oats with crushed crackers now.. Mmmm. what a nice tummy warmer! anyway... here to update on my wonderful night. it wasnt so wonderful, to tell the truth. the anticipation was just crushed. my heart was broken. i wanted to die. just run away. but i didnt. cuz there were people around.. and people i know. but i still wanted to just burst.

before i go on about this, let me describe the atmosphere. it was.. umm.. pretty dry actually. when we walked in - Sera, Beverley and I - people were scattered around the room, the lights were bloody bright, and no one was dancing. but i was amazed at the outfits of some.. they really dressed up! some people looked really good, some even hott! some were dressed for the club, and others probably dressed in the dark.. after the photographer took our pictures, we went in and got drinks.. and then sat by the corner where Lin and her bf Andrew were already seated and observed the people arriving. saw many familiar faces of course, some looked different. and i saw ALI G and PRINCESS LEA too!! hahaha..

and i saw HIM. the first thing he said, while eyeing me eyeing him was, "i'm not wearing my cap today! hahaha!" what the fuck. is that all he thinks of me?? the one with the cap that always tries to get his. !!@*?@#!!#&!! bugger. anyway. it was super duper obvious what his intention for the night was. Sera, Bev and i made it clear right at the start that he looked really sad following Perusian-model-chick Carmen around. well, even if we didnt know him, we still could've guessed he was trying to get with her. anyway, i still had some hopes left...

the prizes couldnt get any worse. snickers and M&Ms and god knows what else.. Sunhee (is that how u spell it?) won a cap! ahhahaah! wished i got a CD though. and then the Fashion Show began. ohmigodd... we just sat there laughing at Cora (i think that's her name). she thought she was HOTT STUFF! strutting down the catwalk and wiggling her behind in the most unsuitable fashion, it was impossible not to laugh! Jenny, Omar, Sean, Shariff, Aaron, who else...? these guys were pretty darn good i must say. they looked good, and they knew what they were doin. it wasnt so bad with them up there.

after that, the music came back on and a bunch of people danced.. and then the lights finally went down. all of a sudden the dance floor was packed and i was bumping into people around. the wonders of light. one of the funny moments was when Ben the-box-head Wong started "dancing" with Dayana the-tutorial-lady Matthews!! you coudnt really call it dancing cuz he looked more like a chicken that got its head cut off.. or sth like that. hilarious stuff! Amalia and i were bursting with laughter! and i must say, some of the people from HK have shocking dance moves. they must've been from the PARAPARA era. really 'lian' style. cool mann..

loads of IES people were there with their partners. Ariel, Aaron, Levy, Lin and Andrew, Jenny and Omar, Fernanda and Abs.. the list goes on.. made me feel worse than i already was... not much help there. Sera had no idea how much i wanted to just tell her everything i was feeling and thinking, since she already knows. there's no point in denying it.. but i guess my mind stopped me. dont know why though. and the worst part of the night was when i saw what i saw while we were all heading to Level5... yes the whole big group of people walking down Queen St together..

anyway. while waiting for everyone to come down from Chifley, we congregated at the lobby area. in the corner of my eye i watched Him with her. she didnt look too interested, like she was trying to avoid anything more.. but He still pursued. they sat alone on some bench far away... probably intending to avoid the prying eyes of gossiping teenagers, i.e: us. but too bad. we saw every move. at that moment i confirmed it with Bev... and Sera. and for those few seconds, i was really glad that i wouldnt be continuing my night with them.

walking back to Central was like walking away from a dream gone wrong. but i knew i couldnt do anything about it. and that made it all the more horrible. i cursed under my breath to no one in particular, and then wished none of it happened. i spent the few moments before my eyes closed replaying those scenes over and over in my mind. and i woke up with those last thoughts crowding my memory. what a horrible feeling.

but the difference between me and anyone else in my situation is that i'm not angry with Him or her.. well, it wasnt their faults that i feel this way. so i cant blame them. i am very very upset about how things turned out i admit, but i wont be all hostile when we meet again in sch and stuff. at first i thought that he found out about all this and decided to avoid us.. thats why we havent seen him all week. turns out, he was just trying to get closer to someone else. well... you win some, you lose some. i lost big time.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 05:59 p.m.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

out partying tonite.

im going for the Dance Party tonite!!!! im so excited! lalalalaaaa!!! yay! hahaah cant wait... hope the fashion parade isnt too lame.. sad i cant go for the afterparty.. shoulda gotten a fake ID in advance... damn!

i wonder what it'll be like.. hope everyone dances tho.. stupid Sera said she doesnt want to. i cant possibly dance on my own!? its a freaking DANCE party.. u're supposed to dance! bugger. oh well. one highlight in my otherwise boring life... its all about the education. that's what im here for right. BORING!

the Indons and Chiew arent going.. i supposed its not their kinda thing...? could see that Chiew wasnt very keen on going when i asked her yesterday. and Karen too. but she said she might, she got the ticket... oh bugger... where are all the party people!?! ahhahaha.

im so not in the mood to do research now... freaking Physics seminar starts on the 30th. that gives me no more than 2 weeks to figure out a topic!! its just about 5 hours before i'll be at the Chifley!! this is gonna be a fun night out!

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 01:34 p.m.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

EKKA holiday my arse.

EKKA holiday today... a good day to miss school. Wednesdays are packed to the max! so lucky us... Phoe left this morning... hope all goes well back home... whatever she has to do.

watched New York Minute yesterday.. pretty funny.. i wonder how long Mary-Kate took to learn the drums. or was it Ashley...? whatever. that was quite cool. not the best movie in the world though.. but since it was a vcd.. it was worth it.. this Tuesday movie ritual is pretty good i must say. even Seng is getting in on it.. he borrowed the one before.. hahah lame.

i am yet to finish a single assignment. well, i should finish Chem today.. then on to TS.. what the hell is wrong with the world?! i still cant find a topic for Physics.. this sucks. im screwed. ARRRRHHHHH!! okok. back to sanity. had to go mad for a bit.. screaming is a good stress-reliever.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 03:05 p.m.

Monday, August 9, 2004

ASSignments are a pain in the ASS

omg... i think im gonna kill myself doing all these assignments... i totally lost the source for my quote and now UQ Cybrary is going all mad on me... why!?!?

went to the EKKA on Saturday. i know i know.. my priorities are soooo good. but there wasnt any other day, unless i skipped a day of school. Tasha and i had fun. bought a Nickelodeon showbag.. they didnt have any Tommys left! so i had to settle with Chucky. oh well. spent most on the food. never tried dagwood dogs like that before. yumm! the flying/diving pigs were so cute!! *squeakoinksqueak* and the horses were beautiful, and the animal nursery was smelly, and the FREESTYLE MOTOCROSS SHOW WAS AWESOME!!!! im so glad we stayed till night... or i wouldnt forgive myself for missing it. the fireworks at the end was the icing on the cake. Wheeee!

spent Sunday at the library. exciting shit man. though i truly wish i could have found better sources.. 1975 and 1994... how backdated can i get!?

hmmmm... after my general outburst of protest in the last entry, i noticed that everything has died down. nothing has been mentioned and no one has made comments or gestures about the topic. its funny how people can just switch in an instant. acting like it all never happened. maybe it was all just a figment of my imagination..? NOT!! but yea.. just something interesting i've noticed.

well, anyway gotta get back to the darn assignment... i can hear the notebook calling me.. speaking of which, I WANT MY OWN NOTEBOOK!!! do you think Dad will get me one with Tasha's still in working order? *boohoo* i want my own!!!!

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 10:32 p.m.

Thursday, August 5, 2004

angry, hurt, disappointed, 'nuff said.

back from the dead... from 4 days ago hahah. ri-ght.

well, past couple of days have been filled with emotions and feelings and anger and hurt... and yea. was really upset about what she did and what they said... cant believe they actually did. was pretty ticked off when i read the shit. and then i was just upset...

i mean, how can people even do such a thing.. i thought i was the youngest one around.. but i guess childishness and ignorance are in every one of us. i trusted the people who read my personal blog with the entries i put in. and this is what i get in return. i was smart in having Easyjournal all to myself way back when. i emphasise on WAS. but i suppose wanting to be like everyone else has its pros and cons. u cant keep everything private.

it was hard enough not having someone u trust enough to confide these personal feelings in. someone like Fizah, i truly miss having her around to share with... (btw, FIZ I MISS U!!!) and then the idea of putting it up for the world to read just backfires, and explodes in my face. great.

now i just dont care anymore. i'm not gonna stress myself out by trying to censor every word that i type, in order to keep secrets a secret. it's just too frustrating. i'll take a lesson from Nat. whatever i add to this blog will come from my heart.. i cannot be bothered to care about other people's thoughts.. since it's obvious this favour isn't being returned. i'm gonna speak my mind from now on. dont like it? get stuffed.

to end that very depressing entry i will lighten my heart with 4 more hearts. SHEEP hearts!! that's what we had in the Bio lesson today. how fun.. Marie was really digging it. get the pun? yea.. she had her fingers all over it, inside and out! hahaha!! it was one of the very rare times we will ever have fun in Bio. everr.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 10:19 p.m.

Sunday, 1st August 2004

beginnings

beginning of a new month. beginning of a new emotion... i cant stop thinking about it. i think i'm going mad.
but i know i cant do anything about it.. so it's hopeless to even think about it. but i cant stop it.
do i sound mad?
i dont care. but i do care. alot. but my Conflict of Emotions prevents me from looking too far in the future.
this sux.

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 02:28 p.m.