i couldnt get to sleep last night. i vowed in silence that i'll stop slacking and begin work proper. i made a decision to go to uni EARLIER than i had to today, so that i could do the last bit of research for the assignment. the assignment which is due next Wednesday, and i havent started typing even the cover page. then i started stressing over the rest of the semester's worth of assignments. and that's why i couldnt sleep. ohmygod.

but as good as timings can get, we may be getting Broadband in the near future! then i'll have internet access in my own room. WHOO! better not jinx it... anyway, as i've mentioned, i'm swamped now. and there's a mid-sem exam this Sat morning! havent studied.. RARR. i'm gonna go hang myself now.

she takes a breath at 08:39 p.m.

Friday, August 19, 2005

today was a weird day. well not weird per se, but i felt weird. i almost passed out in the morning lecture. watching a pretty gory video on ancient Greek Olympics, and i dunno why, but i felt sick. like i was about to throw up. then everything was spinning. and i started sweating profusely too. omg i thought i was gonna heave. thank god i didnt. would be rather embarassing, ppl would have thought i was so weak watching the video. haha. well. came home after Physics and slept till 430! feel so much better now. i dont think i would have survived Anatomy pract, cos i'm sure there were wet specimens for today's topic. hooray!

i applied for 2 casual positions on Wednesday.. but they never called back. boohoo. i got rejected! cos i have no experience. i want to make coffee!!! just take me and teach me, and i promise i'll make good coffee!! mixed feelings about working though. on the one hand, i'll be earning my own. which is ALWAYS a good thing. but on the other, i'm scared of the unknown. which is everything. what if i make a crap F&B person!? what if i screw up on the first day at work?? then i'll definitely never get a job at a cafe/restaraunt... *stresses*

she takes a breath at 06:47 p.m.

Friday, August 12, 2005

i finally see how appropriate my title is. it's falling into place now, i havent taken a single drag in more than a week. and i didnt buy myself another pack. and it's all a good thing too. if i'm gonna start training and being physically active again, that's not gonna help me get fit. and also, i'm not printing money. so there.

it's been one of those days where you wish you never woke up from the dream, wish you stayed in bed all day. cos it's so fuckin cold you wish you just froze to death rather than suffer through it all. and wearing that thin pullover doesnt help. and the whole day has been a mirror image of what you feel now. it's amazing how the start of a day can predict how it ends.

when your muscles start to spasm, out of your control, you know it aint good. so the night is gonna be shit i'm assuming. people dont have the courtesy to return missed calls, dont inform others about dinner plans. there's hardly anything here i can eat, and it's freezing outside. so i may just starve tonight. fuck. at least apologise, give me that much. ergh.

she takes a breath at 06:30 p.m.

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

It's oh-so-quiet.
It's oh-so-still.
You're all alone,
And so peaceful until....

however, my take on the next part of the aforementioned song doesnt quite take on such a loud bang. in my remake, things will probably stay oh so quiet and still. cos that's what everything is like now.

in my version, the lead doesnt fall in love. no bells ringing, no one screaming, nothing. just silence. if it goes anything like my life now that is.

i'm feeling down. i'm feeling sad and lonely- not the best combination. i'm an 18 year old female in a foreign country. i dont have the social stability i yearn for. i fear solitude and/or rejection. i am anxious about the future. i am not prepared for what is inevitable. i think too much, i talk too little- i sometimes talk without thinking. i crave for attention and affection, but i dont know what that feels like. i need to practice physical exertion. i dont want more responsibility, but that's the only way to get freedom. i dont feel guilt for hating someone, i only feel guilt for not expressing my hate.

Also, i dont like being so near yet so far. i'm anticipating my birthday with much excitement, but negative thoughts always find ways to creep in. i pray that i dont turn into one of those lost-cause teenagers you see on the news that went overboard with the newfound freedom. i suspect that i'm gullible and vulnerable, and can be easily influenced by the thoughts of others. i exercise self-control, but i think i willingly give that quality up to confirm what others think of me.

i'm basically broken, and there's no one who can put me back together. perhaps that person is still yet to be found.

she takes a breath at 09:36 p.m.

Saturday, August 6, 2005

went to Lin's after dinner on Thursday. finally tried the Smirnoff Vodka Double Black she's been promoting. oh god it's yummm! beautiful really. haha. something new to add to my list of "Must-Have's When I Go Out Drinking" now. hmmm. if anyone asks, i'd love people to buy me drinks on my birthday, if they're really desperate for gift ideas. HINT HINT. heh.

so anyway. Tash and i woke up really early today to go to the Rocklea Markets. yes. i was out of the house by 8am! seriously. but it's all good. the market is pretty big, aisles of fruit/veg/flowers/food. we also had Poffertjes, and i tried this thing called Olliebollen, a sweet donut-like thing with sultanas. it's from Holland. yumm. so basically today was a pretty relaxed day. which puts me in the mood to NOT do any work. great.

i skipped a couple of lectures on Friday morning. cos i came back pretty late the night before, and wasnt in the mood of waking up. haha so sue me! but that's not what's bugging me. i think i've started my evil habit again. thinking that uni is the biggest drag in life and hating to have to go, and simply not going when i feel like. shit i cant keep that up this time. not good. not good at all! i need an intervention.

she takes a breath at 05:34 p.m.

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

Mid-week Wednesday is over in 3 hours. week 2 is over in 2 days. 2005 is over in 4 months. what have i achieved so far? hmm nothing much. shit. i may have mentioned before, the workload will begin to pile from week 2 onwards. and it has. today, we've discussed about at least 4 pending assessments. hell! oh and not to mention there's a few Mid-sem exams at the end of this month. *grunts*

but on the greener side of the grass, i'm sort of enjoying my time now! Psyc tuts look pretty fun, judging from today's session. and i have a few people to hang with in all the lectures.. so my alliance is building i guess. heh. but i have to work on my concentration. i cant seem to control my urges to zone out!

Prime example. yesterday in the PHYS lecture, i thought about everything under the sun but Energy, Motion or anything remotely Physics. and what's worse, the bloody Sydney "ordeal" just kept replaying in my mind. i was so distracted, and what a thing to be distracted by! erghh. at first i was grinning, then i got so frustrated. i kept thinking about why he did it... kept giving excuses for it, convincing myself that it's never gonna happen again. it just shits me to have to think about it all in the first place.

(dont mind me i just had to let out steam.)

so anyway... tmr is another day! i start at 9am and end at 10am!! oh but there's a couple of Psyc studies i have to go for. so that takes me to about 2pm. then there's dinner out! been spending time with Lin for the past week. wish Creme could join us though.. *sigh* oh well.

she takes a breath at 09:00 p.m.

Monday, August 1, 2005

Holy Canoli! ANAT pract today was... hmm smelly. no kidding, the SPECIMENS stank! ok, Crystal named the first one BOB. so we got fairly acquainted with him. heh. then they brought out FRESHER specimens, so we decided to take a look bad idea. he stank worse!! ergghhh. started off pretty reluctant.. but as you poke and prod more, it gets better. haha. oh well. all part and parcel of being a SCIENCE student i guess. *pfft* but i am NOT looking forward to Friday now...

p.s: Serene, i'll be sending it out shortly! dont get your undies in a knot, yeah?? hahaha!!

she takes a breath at 10:39 p.m.