today has been one long fucking day. stress galore. my head is still spinning. cos u know what? we havent finished our assignment. and it's due wed. and i wont be in town for 4 days. FUCK. i've been panicking since i realised how soon the thing was due. and i've been fidgety all day. but staying in the cold library on a thursday arvo, and fri being practically a holiday since i'm skipping classes, you dont get much work done. *grunts* why does everything go against me??! this is gonna be weighing me down all weekend.

speaking of the weekend. i'm going for WOODSTOCK tomorrow!!! in any other situation, i'd be jumping for joy right abt now. but damn the assignment! i just hope i can enjoy some of the trip. i'm gonna feel guilty the whole time. *sigh* so i wont have any connection to the rest of the world for awhile. take care ppl. and pray for me.. this assignment is pretty heavy stuff. just pray for me.

she takes a breath at 09:53 p.m.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

ok i take my words back abt the Aussies. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MESS AT GALLIPOLI!? holy shit.. it's a wreck. the burial site is all littered with bags and scraps.. so much for pride of the nation.

checked my HPRM quiz marks today.. shit i got 11!! well, Crystle got 12 ha! we were sitting in the lecture this arvo, and sth from the test came up. then she said, "i didnt know that." so i was like "yeah that's why we got 11 and 12!!" hahah. lame...

anyway. the rains have come back. got caught in it while running off to my arvo lect with Bev. damnn. so soaked. PLEASE god dont let us fall sick.

ohh. today's lect was on PA and Mental Health. depression being one of the major issues. so she tell us, there is a distinct difference between feeling "down" and the clinical state of depression. do you generally feel ok with your life? minus the minor "down" times. you've got to ask yourself. with all the whinging i do, i guess i'm not a depressed person. heh. i'm generally content, i can say that. i dont have suicidal tendencies, and i dont have chronic mental disorders. so basically, i'm just a normal teen with a little too much pessimism in me. god bless lecturers. they help you see things better sometimes.

she takes a breath at 05:29 p.m.

Monday, April 25, 2005

I FINISHED MY ASSIGNMENTS!!!! oh my godd i am so relieved!!! *dances around the room* you have no idea what it feels like, till u go through it.. plain satisfaction. and accomplishment. and most of all freedom. *big sigh* when i printed out the last page, i was so happy, i screamed out loud. hahah first time i felt this good, in a long time! but hey. it's not over yet... still got 2 new assignments to start.. hmmm let me have my happiness for a little longer, then we'll get down to it.

today is ANZAC Day. ['Lest We Forget] although i'm not Aussie, this thing really touches me. no matter how much you diss a typical Aussie, you can never fault them for their sense of nationhood, their pride in the country, and their acknowledgement of were they come from. well some of them anyway [we shall not mention names] watching clips from Gallipoli, i almost shed a tear. imagine all your brothers and sons being sent to a country far away, thinking they're on an adventure, only never to come home again. hmmm. makes you appreciate life. and appreciate those who sacrificed for you, eh?

she takes a breath at 09:33 p.m.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

the end of Sunday is here.. and i have NOT completed my assignments!! arrrrhhh!! shittttt. tmr is my last chance if that fails i'm screwed...

one little step out of reality.. BIG BROTHER IS STARTING IN 2 WEEKS!!! yay yay yay! but damn it's gonna be right smack in the middle of the exams once again... i MUST not get caught up in the wave.. i MUST not.. but hell i'm sure i will.

btw people, it's getting preettttyy cold. i think it's 16 degrees right now. i cant feel my fingers again. AUTUMN IS HERE.

she takes a breath at 10:18 p.m.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

damn it!! i really need to read timetables more often.. there isnt any HMST practs till week 9!! and i didnt realise it's week 7 now.. oh godd. but it's ok i managed to get some studying done in that time. so the BIOL1008 exam was this morning.. how did i do? pretty ok.. i think i spent way too long on the MCQs though.. and!! Crystle jinxed me! i told her i didnt really study the first bit.. so she said and it'll probably come out. and IT DID! shitt... ahhaah. oh well. no use crying over spilt milk.. just mop it up and move on with my life.

life. why does it have to be so complicated? why cant there be answers for everything? like why do total opposites attract? and why do ppl not have consideration for others? and how can some ppl be so fucking blind? it's life's annoying mysteries that keep me awake at night.

i'm tired of having to clean up after his shit. i dont do the obvious, but clearing away a trail of giant ants from the kitchen to the front door is not what i should be doing. why cant he just take fucking responsibilty in his life? he's a leech. i'm really looking forward to 4 full days away from him.. one of the bonuses of going for Woodstock.

one highlight of the year so far. i hope it's a good weekend at Kurwongbah. and it would be great if something interesting happens to me too hehe.

she takes a breath at 08:43 p.m.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

goddamnit. fuckeduptagboard. so frustrated right now.. not in the mood to do anything. *sobs* i need to study for Sat... but then.. i think i know some stuff without studying, so i'll just read a little tmr.. Crystle, my buddy from PASS, claims i'm a last-minute-studier... so not. i just dont study, then fail. hahaha.

i think my Friend-making rate has improved.. i guess i just needed time.. YAY.

ohhh there's HMST pract tmr arvo.. hmmm. we're doing the Strength thingy.. so we have to do pushups and chest/arm/leg strength tests... sounds interesting! hope i dont embarass myself in front of my fellow HMers, by pulling a muscle or sth. how UN-cool! hahah just as long as it doesnt take to much time... i have to be study!!! *grrr*

she takes a breath at 08:22 p.m.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

ahhh. today's quiz. intended to study the whole bloody thing during lunch, i got as far as 2 lecture notes. hah! but i thought it was ok. there were a few tricky ones, but i wasnt drawing blanks, thank god! so one down, another to go. and the BIOL1015 eConference officially starts tmr. so 3 weeks from there. and i'll finally be done. *sigh* it looks like a long 3 weeks.

just had a pre-dinner sandwich. came home feeling terribly hungry. and i see my baby's growing well. very nourished. it shouldnt be long till it's ready to pop. *screams* DO I LEARN ANYTHING IN HPRM?! i'm fucking eating away and being inactive. i dont even meet the guidelines for sufficient activity. i might as well be sedentary. *sobs*

had a minor meltdown last night. but i was smart enough to get it onto paper before lights out. none of that tossing&turning shit. got a little emotional. some things from the past can never be erased. but why did i have to live it? why do i deserve the screwed up family? broken? yeah. disfunctional? probably. but hell. the worse thing about it all is i cant talk to anyone. i just beat myself up with it. no one will know my pain. NO ONE! no one.

she takes a breath at 05:28 p.m.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

*sigh* i have a test tmr. and damn i am so unprepared. but hell it's like 20MCQs. whatever yeah.

ok. Trish and i decided on HUMAN GENOME for our eConference.. new person in my life! ahhaah i shall introduce her to the world. Patricia Norton, year3 student, in BioEngineering. that's abt it for now. will update when we chat.

last night sleep came pretty tough for me.. i had all sorts of thoughts keeping me up. like fuck. why couldnt i have just let go of the past. i mean family shit. there's so much to my life in the past and now i feel like i've lost it all. there's so much to rant abt i dont think i wanna do it here. *sigh* life's so fucked up at times. damn.

why cant i be normal.

she takes a breath at 10:23 p.m.

Monday, April 18, 2005

the day ended well for me!! got my BIOL assignment partner.. met her in Pract this arvo. hooray! but i just realised, we dont have much choice left. there's only one more topic. great. Human DNA. how bloody exciting.

also, the pract itself went well. i got 8/10 for the Mastery! woohoo! go nadd... ahhaha. met up with Bev on the way home.. grocery shopping again. i swear. she looks like she's stocking up for the end of the world. i've never seen anyone with so much greens.

ok this week wont be spent on the net as much. i have to fucking study for the tests.. like seriously. no cheating myself. sometimes my priorities get so whacked. and i tend to give myself excuses. like CMON. who am i kidding.

DAMN i need a ciggie now...

she takes a breath at 08:18 p.m.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

hmmm. a new skin. i like it. i likeitalot. plain and simple, yet there's depth to it. but the meaning behind is not literal. i dont smoke my troubles away. nono. the picture paints a thousand words. that's all i can say. it reached out to me. i had to have it.

so, what's wrong with me? i dont know. fuck i just feel crummy nowadays. all the trivial problems are accumulating inside, and it's making me feel like shit. i guess part of me is feeling like this because i dont want to feel like this. make sense?? no. well ok. i think what i'm trying to say is, i feel guilty for feeling some of the things i do, and all this is making me feel worse in the end. eerrgh.

whatever. i have more pressing issues at hand. like the fuckin assisgnments and exams. goddamnit. i need a vacation.

she takes a breath at 04:23 p.m.

Friday, April 15, 2005

friday already!? shit.. i need more time. firstly, the new BIOL1015 assignment, and i still havent found a partner.. what happens if i dont get one before they close the registrations! screwball. next, 2 fuckin exams next week, then 2 assignments due week after, then another exam in wk8. life never looked so great.

but i think i'm getting the hang of life as a nerd. spent a couple of hours in the library studying for the past few days.. and i'm enjoying my time really. once i set my mind to it, and get ready for a few hours with food and drink and music, i'm alright. *sigh* when will it get better...

she takes a breath at 08:40 p.m.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

mann last night was a bad one.. not for me though i was feeling normal for once. but shit. seems like there's something hitting her in every direction at one time! my mobile rang at 11.58pm, since i fell asleep with notes in my hand, specs on my face, lights still on, i thought it was the alarm. it wasnt. she sounded desperate and all i could do was think: oh no what would Tasha say.. shit. i couldnt stop feeling so guilty all day. and i couldnt concentrate in any of my lectures. i was just so worried. seriously. i hope everything will be back to normal once they leave. cos frankly, it's doing her more harm than good.

she released alot through me when we were talking after uni. i could see she was trying not to break down. i think it's the worse i've seen her. and i'm afraid for her. what happens when she hits the bottom? how do i help without any experience under my belt? all i can do is listen and console. she's starting to spiral down... and i want to bring her back up. and as much as i say it doesnt affect me much, it does. i get all emo when i hear things. i just want to give her one big tight hug and never let go. *sigh*

life and all it's drama. it just never ends, does it?

she takes a breath at 06:29 p.m.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

when i said everybody hurts, i didnt think i'd find out abt it that quick. She's really going through a lot right now.. sometimes, i forget how much older she is. i definitely have not experienced life. i'm still a baby. but when u get close to someone, u feel like you're both the same.. and age hardly matters anymore. *sigh* but i still have much to learn.

she takes a breath at 10:39 p.m.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

mann! couldnt log into Pitas last night... had a minor heart attack. cant imagine life without my beloved Pitas!!i'd be so lost without it.

had tennis yesterday arvo! it was on the brink of being cancelled. AGAIN. it rained all morning.. then it poured! and i was so pissed... till abt 1, when the lovely sun came out shining in all it's glory. ahhh. it's the best feeling, having the sun shining on ur face after a rainy day. unfortunately, it was only Sera, Max and myself.. till abt 4 when Nadia joined us after work. we had the grass courts! haha it was alright.. but quite sandy.. wasnt very well kept, according the the genius of Max.. ahaha. felt like we were at Southbank or some grassy beach without water.

Bev's friends should have arrived yesterday. so dont think i'll see her till Thurs? cos she'll have to entertain them when she's not in uni.. hahah.. yeah Bev dance and sing to them, show ur true colours! =P i'll be ohsolonely this week. hmmm...

heard an old REM song yesterday... sat down and listened to the lyrics. it was so sad.. and so meaningful. it brought light to my life. in all it's depression and loneliness, i have to know that i'm not the only one feeling shitty, and more importantly, there are people who are in much worse situations out there. the world isnt a very pretty place. especially now. which makes it real hard to live. why does the human race put up with all the shit. what is the point? so i urge you all, put in the effort to make it a better place. it starts with the individual.

[[When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand.]]

she takes a breath at 05:07 p.m.

Thursday, April 7, 2005

hmm. was feeling rather PMS-y today. ok not today, just this evening.. well, not PMS per se, it was more like post-PMS. hahaha. right anyway. yeah. i just felt angry with the world. no reason.. i blame it on hormones. ergh.. sick and tired of feeling shitty. why cant life just throw me a nice big bucket of happiness and let me be. this is getting quite irritating eh.. *sigh*

went to Bev's for a couple of hours. ok it was more like 3-4 hrs. we watched some Flash Animation abt this ninja kid.. the gore! i think i've seen enough flying severed heads for a lifetime. then Sera came over awhile later. then Chiew popped by to pick us up. she gave me a lift before they headed to Indooroo.

ergh. and before i could even walk in the door, i heard a sickening, annoying piggish laughter coming from the house. what a bad experience. it's CRINGE factor to the max. i'm getting touchy. but heck. i'm entitled to my opinions. and in my opinion, i think he should get lost. shape up or ship out. why is he still here. what does he want? what does SHE want?? omg. i cant even think of a rational explanation for it all!! i'm baffled beyond belief.

Bev was telling me, she cant understand how someone can let sth like this get in the way of blood relations.. well, seriously, i dont know either. is she that oblivious? or is she just pretending she doesnt know what goes on here... cos frankly, it kinda hurts. ergh...

she takes a breath at 09:04 p.m.

Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Happy Bday MAXINE! i hope 18 years have taught u to grow up. but i highly doubt it. haha! she's probably still the same 'ol lame childish, hugging, noise-making, boy-crazy kid i knew since primary one. way back when! *reminisces*

so, progresses from that fateful night you ask? not much progress really. while Tash was at the gig, he came back.. and he bloody turned my mood upside down. he walked in, casually said hello- which i didnt respond to- and then insincerely "appologised" for unpluggin the net cable. and then after i brushed it aside with a "yeah whatever" fuckyou attitude, he started complaining about me! ARGH! the nerve of the pig. and at the end of that, he still had the need to say "well we have to settle this". WE?! i'm not the one who has to compromise once again. i can go on, but i wont, my ramblings take far too much time and space.

so other than that, life has been jolly good. one assignment down, 2 to go. no wait, it's 3.. just recieved info abt another today. ohh the misery. this cycle will never end. NEVER.

she takes a breath at 09:17 p.m.

Sunday, April 3, 2005

the fuckin Dickhead was a bloody rude pig last night. he fuckin disconnected the cable while i was on the com!?! how rude. mann i was so pissed, but me and my ever-slow reactions.. thought of all the things i could say when i was already in the room. and when i was sitting at my busstop in the cold past 12mn. ergh. omg. he deserves to be poisoned to death. how dare he!

seriously, he's fuckin reaching middle-age, and he acts like a child. why do i always have to put up with shit like this. it's so fuckin frustrating. my life never stops throwing shit in my face. erghhh. i think God is giving me a sign. i should move out. cos i know i'm the only one who has the power in my life. and he sure as hell aint gonna budge. once again, i have to compromise. errgggh!

Tasha has left for the BenFolds gig.. lucky her. she gets to be out in the world. well, she was asleep when it all went down, but i'm sure she heard sth, the back door creakin in the middle of the night isnt common. and today, she was speaking to the Mother on the phone in very hushed tones. how bloody annoying. i'm not freakin deaf. this house isnt bloody soundproof. so she tells the Mother, dont say anything ok. and my mother isnt the best at being discreet. she can be very obvious at times. ergghhh. my HAPPY family.

well, i'm alone at home at the moment. but i have to get work done. seriously. i'm not just saying this. if there's anything i've learnt over the past 4 weeks, i sure dont remember it. hah. and the assignments. oh GODD the assignments! whyyy? and i have BIOL pract tmr arvo.. errrghh. life does not look good from down here.

she takes a breath at 06:30 p.m.

Saturday, April 2, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAX!! met the girls... and boys for lunch. according to Sera, it was meant to be a surprise for Max, he didnt know they were gonna be watching the movie too, and he didnt know i was gonna be there. oops! my bad.. i got there a little late. hahaha well it's ok. cos i think he quite liked his presents.. hehehe. i'm sure the VOODOO LOVE KIT and INFLATABLE GIRL will come in handy sometime soon ahhaha! and Mark got him a FamilyGuy DVD. nice.

then after lunch we headed to the boys' place. what a long trek! had to walk by dead possums and all! well, all's good, now i know where they live hehe. and i won SCRABBLE! whoo! hah i rock, but i give some credit to Max and Sera, thanx for the first 50 or so points.. ahahah!

so now, i am filled with yummy Cheesecake, but am feeling rather piggish. i want foooooood!!!!! *grumbles* smells of fishfingers are wafting through the air, and i want something to put in my mouth. maybe i should take a walk to Toowong, and have a smoke while i'm at it...

oohhh!! i forgot to mention. i found a nice little quiet place to run to last week. it's gonna sound suss, but it's up OkedenSt, at a busstop. where no buses come after 9am i think. haha! but i love it there in the evenings. especially now, the weather makes it soo nice. my little hideout. but i think it could get kinda spooky afterdark. so i'll stay away from it then. wouldnt wanna get raped now would i?

Strumming my P.A.I.N. at 07:39 p.m.

hmm i have this nagging feeling that someone is ignoring me.. or somewhere along the lines. i dunno.. my insecurities are endless! but yeah.. havent heard from her in awhile... i think i'm just going mad. but i hate the feeling of not knowing, and losing yet another friend. i hope it wasnt anything i did. i couldnt bear the pain if it was. cos i know what it's like to hurt someone, yet be so blind and shallow and not even know it. it sucks. please just prove me wrong...

she takes a breath at 10:48 p.m.

Friday, April 1, 2005

oh god.. did next to nothing today!!! well i feel accomplished cos i woke up b4 10am, but that's abt it. ergh. well ok. i did go to uni today... but just to get one text. and bloody hell i still havent started the assignments!!! i'm so fucked. seriously.. i'm just wondering when something will fall out from the sky and into my lap. i'm walking in a minefield, and it's just about ready to BLOW. i realised how i have nothing to blabber about here nowadays. why is that? i guess stuff just happens to me all at once, and then nothing. i'm in the stagnant phase once more. i just need to turn 18 NOW. that will help so much more.. if possible, i'll go out every bloody weekend! ha. but yess money matters. so it's not possible. once in a while will do. once Monday comes, there will be no more breaks. no more right till the assignment due dates, the exams, and the end of semester. ahh bliss. but damn it. that's in the last week of June. who can wait that long?? i'm stressing here. oooh but there's Woodstock in a week or so.. heheh! cant wait. right i better stop and get down to work... *sigh* what a great social life i lead here.

she takes a breath at 07:28 p.m.