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So she sayeth...
Friday, March 29, 2002 11:34 a.m.
Wha, this will be short and quick. I'm leaving for lunch in ten minutes and then after that Matt and I are heading to Chicagoland--home of happy fun and apparently lots of rain right now. At least there's no sun to hinder my reading in the car. :] Anyhoo. Karen called last night, triumping over long distance problems. We got an email this morning saying that there'd be problems with the college's long distance service for awhile because of a major cable in St. Louis was cut or something. That's prolly why our phone didn't ring the first time. o.o
I've been typing like a madwoman on my project paper recently, but I still don't seem to be getting anywhere. Sensei wants to bring in one of my [potential] professors from Colorado to be my outside examiner for the oral defense. o_o This scares me even though they've already accepted me... I guess I shouldn't be, but you know. If I do the work well, it shouldn't be a problem...right? Bah. So I've been getting down to the nitty gritty with my paper and I'm making some final conclusions. I'm in the middle of making them so I don't really want to lay out anything here, but suffice to say that language textbooks aren't that a hot of source for learning the intracacies and the "whys" of gender differences. Of the ones I've looked at they mostly tell you "here's the differences. use them or don't, but this is how native speakers do it" and then don't explain why there are gender differences, how they came about, what the current state of their use in Japan is, etc. etc. I think that's a big issue for students--especially U.S. born English native students. Gender equality is a huge issue in the States, and then when you're told, "oh, you have to speak like a woman/man" now, people get a little wary and uncomfortable--even offended as I've seen in my surveys. Much of the last part of my paper will discuss self image through language. ^^ But that's something for later! I'm late! Buh bye! And Happy Easter from me to you.
Random Thought OTD: "The ending of Sailor Moon was like Hamlet--only in mini skirts."
Tuesday, March 26, 2002 02:49 p.m.
I've been accepted into grad school! :D The phone interview was in part to tell me as such, so I will possibly/probably be living in Colorado next year. Yay! More on this later when they send me more stuff. Hee! I'm so happy and giggly right now! :D!
(Also, please note the change in email address. Altavista free email is going bye bye as of March 31. Note my username for a chuckle, but it DOES have significance in my life--even before I watched Eva. It's a lame story, but I'll tell you anyway. Basically throughout my childhood I was the *only* Rachel I knew or at least was near on a regular basis like at school. Remember where I grew up. Anyway, this was pretty much consistant until sophomore--prolly more like junior year--of high school when a swarm of Rachels descended upon the school. Including me there were four Rachels alone in one club I was in. Actually--those were most of the Rachels in the whole school. So, as a joke, I took to calling myself the Original Rachel since up until then I was the only one I knew at my school. Then of course, I watched Eva, but I only made the connection between those two things this year. ^_^; Sad, yes? Anyway, that's my username explained. I found that domain and just had to make the joke no matter how lame.)
Random Thought OTD: "I like chocolate chip M&M's!"
Monday, March 25, 2002 04:37 p.m.
Waiting is hell. I'm nervous right now and it's driving me batty. I got a phone call while I was out of the apartment today from the East Asian department at Colorado wanting to do a phone interview with me about the TA-ship I applied for. I eventually got in contact with the interviewer and it's tomorrow afternoon. But... the idea of an interview is scary. The idea of a phone interview is even more scary. The idea of a phone interview where I possibly have to listen to and speak Japanese is terrifying. o.o Yeah, I'm a wimp; so what? Anyway, that's that. Illinois told me "no" awhile back, but I can't remember if I blogged about it at all. So all that's left is Iowa and Colorado. Two pretty good choices if I do say so myself. I'm up to living in Boulder for the next couple of years. ^^ They're obviously far different, but I miss the mountains in Japan and I especially miss Lake Biwa--even in all it's trashy glory (people tended to toss garbage into it. never let anyone tell you Japan is an exclusively spotless, cleanly country.) So exchanging the plains and little hills of western Illinois and eastern Iowa ain't sounding too bad. But I'm willing to go to the U of I too. I wouldn't have applied if I thought otherwise!
So anyway, yes, I notice I haven't blogged since the day before the beginning of time. I got hair-pulling busy the week after I blogged since it was finals week and all. The week after that I was just incredibly lazy whilst on spring break. I got pretty good grades last term, so I'm happy. I actually got an A or A- on the AP last test. *gives self gold star* I thought I would bomb that thing like nothing else, but I got an A- even without the curve. Not to brag or anything, but sitting there staring at the test while I was taking it going "o_O I don't remember that. I don't remember that. Oh, god am I tired. Why am I here? I'm going to fail" and then getting an A- is pretty damn satisfying. :P
If you were here with this blog last year you know that it's spring term and that means Flunk Day. No one's thinking about it yet since it's never during the first few weeks of the term and no one even does scares this early either. I certainly have better things to do then wonder when Flunk Day is. o_o I'm going to be wrenched from bed at least three hours before normal time and sentenced to a day of figuring out what to do all day because I don't binge drink in public (ok, at all for that matter...). I'm too cheap and too nervous about what I would do and say while drunk to get to that stage. :P I would probably embarass a lot of people and make several others pretty darn mad.
Speaking of being mad. You haven't emailed me yet. You know who you are, so I'm not going to bother linking to you. Unless there was a problem with IM or dire circumstances that emotionally or physically prevented you from talking to me last week, you had better contact me soonly because I have no other reason to make me not upset, and I'll probably continue to be so until something causes me to be otherwise.
Back to happier things. Ok, not exactly happy, but I'll talk my portfolio class--which makes me happy!--after this thing first. I'm still really pissed off about my parents. Being home this past week was not fun at all. I think even one of my cats is lonely and depressed. She tends to stay downstairs and avoid our third cat who she hates with a passion. Usually my brother or dad is down there in the evening for a decent chunk of time and she's not really a needy cat when it comes to affection, but she seems to want more attention now. She actually dragged me downstairs to sit with her a couple of times, and she's come upstairs to sit with people during the day when I never noticed her doing that before. So yeah, don't really want to mention anything specific other than I just didn't like being at home. I did get a lot of wedding stuff accomplished. Invitations are in and ready for addressing. I talked to my pastor. We decided on decorations and which unity candle we wanted. We have a cake. I'm going to get my make up from my brother's girlfriend's friend. ^_^; Wow, that's a lot. I still need to talk to people about the ceremony too. o.o mmm hmm.
But, yes, portfolio class. Ah! It's going to be neat. I'm 100% sure now that writing is therapy. No matter what you're writing--even if it's just for fun. And workshops are group therapy. It's nice to hear other people have the same problems you do. Well, I mean that in a good way--as in "don't worry, you're not alone." :P Much of it are writing related fears which in turn are mostly related to self-related fears. Hey, if you don't believe me, look at Evangelion. Look at Virginia Woolf. Look at a thousand different other examples I just don't have the knowledge to speak about at the moment. Seeing writing as theraputic kinda casts a selfish light around it, but, hey, if you can open up your own ideas and fears in a book or a poem and someone reads it and understands it because they feel the same damn way, the kudos to all those selfish writers out there. Bless your hearts. In this class we have to edit and compile all the work we've done at college. High school work is right out. Along with that we have to write a critical 25 page intro. Basically we get to talk about ourselves and our writing. How fun is that? :D I've come to realize a couple of major things about stuff I've actually had the gumption to sit down and write. Most of my original work comes from three areas: self-therapy/fulfillment, a result of music I adore, or part of my everlasting, unending quest to tell the Truth. That's with a capital "T." So much of my stuff is laced with universal or personal philosophy, and I in turn love work like that. Woolf, Blake, Evangelion, Utena, and Escaflowne are all those kinds of stuffs. I feel odd identifying anime in my list of great philosophical stuff, but hey. It's not like what I wrote is something like Ranma or Slayers or Dragonball. Not that I have a beef with those shows, but it's just that I like the meaty shows oh so much more than the just every day enjoyable shows like Slayers. With those three you can sit down and talk about them. Like, Cowboy Bebop is high on my list of The Great Anime I Love, but it's not on that list above because you can't really talk about it like you could talk about the effect of free will and fate on your life or freaky new religious ideas or the revolution of the self. That's why I like those shows, because you can talk about really damn cool stuff like that. And they're of course not restricted to anime because I see strains of ideas in Utena that I can see in Woolf. Now isn't that something? Makes one a tad prouder to be an anime fan if you're worried about the kind of image you portray because of that. I guess I sometimes am. Depends on the company. :]
Random Thought OTD: "It's un-fucking-believeable."
Friday, March 8, 2002 10:00 a.m.
Ahhh. It's warmer today. Yay! I'm feeling odd today. I think it's because I feel like creating something in writing. I think it's because yesterday's Chinese history lecture was about literature. That and my mind was stuck on the idea of shells. Yes, I just had a Woolf class last term. Yes, I just read part of Utena manga #3 last night where Touga's talking about how the world is the same as an egg. Yes, I am still rewatching EVA. Episodes 25 & 26 are this week. Then I'll have to go home and rewatch the movie--because I'm not waiting until July, dagnabit! I will be buying the commercial DVD (and the boxset. bless you buy.com!) though, so have no fear, moralists. :D Anyway, I want to write something that's called "Positively Lugubrious." Isn't that a striking title? I don't have any content for it yet, but I'm going to use this somehow. Acutally I was just thinking how the song "Komm Susser Tod" from EVA fits that perfectly. The song needs to be heard in context though. :D
I've been busily working on my history paper this week. I finally finished last night after multiple goings over and fiddling with the text. I'm going to be happy when this class is over so I can go back to doing stuff on Japan. o_o No offense, but for some reason Japan is more appealing. Don't know why. I got my take home final for that class today. Again, it doesn't look so difficult, but I just don't feel like doing it...Well, it will help me study for the in-class final anyway. All I have is one more class and I'm done. No more 8 o'clock class. o_o oh yeah, that sounds nice.
Hamtaro is coming to Cartoon Network? Uso! Wow. I remember that from back in the day (last summer) when it was plastered all over Japan--well, the consumer parts of it at least. We all identifed it as "that hamster show with all the merchandise." The hamsters are cute, actually, but I never found out what the show was actually about. I did, however, buy myself a box of unknown candy to get a free hamster keychain. Turned out the candy was tiny chocolate covered rice...that strangely resembled hamster, uh, pellets. O_o; Yum yum... I kept the keychain though. :D
Before I get to the Thought, I'd just like to take this opportunity to brag my little butt off. I beat Matt in a match of CVSNK2 the other day. This is a regular occurance, so it's not so shocking, but the teams with which we clashed is. He was using Balrog, Sagat, and Vega (all bosses from Street Fighter if you didn't know) while I had chosen a team of one: Dan. XD Sore ga saikyoryu da!He was NOT happy that I beat him. Anyway, today's thought is brought to you by a random conversation during CvSNK2 where I was telling Matt a bit about the KoF backstory (the 8 maidens, Orochi, yada yada), and I was using Orochi Iori at the time so I qualified myself saying "Oh, well, the virgins were sacrificed to Orochi--the god, not Orochi Iori." To which Matt responded in kind.
Thought OTD: "Yes, I'm sure Iori sacrifices virgins in his own way." – Matt
Monday, March 4, 2002 09:27 a.m.
I'm not snippy today. :D At least, not right now. I was yesterday. Let me say that unwarrented rudeness pisses me off very much--especially if it's from someone who has ever reason in the world to be nice to you. I also would have been upset this morning had my roommate not left her printer on over night which woke up up when it reset itself after the electricity shut off. o_o; I would have slept through class, which would be bad because I need to know what's going on in lecture as our final is in a week and a couple days. Right now I'm taking a break from my history paper. Poo. It's taking me SO long to write this thing. I don't know where I'm going with it. Well, I do, but I'm kinda looking at it going "What subject is this again?" It's quite frustrating. I think I have senioritis...which is a bad thing considering everything I have left to do. I think it's actually a rare form of senioritis where I just want to abandon everything but these one or two projects in my major that I REALLY want to do (like my Big Project and translating--yay! :D which is NEXT term. boo.) I've also realized that Japan is my country, not East Asia in general. Or other Asian countries... ^^; eheh...
My apple juice tastes funny. Hmm...made with fresh pressed apples...musta lost a sock or two in the mix. XP blechy. Actually, no, it tastes like they just ground up the whole darned apple tree and bottled it. O_o; Mmm, fiber! This reminds me SO much of high school. Although I suppose the categorization of girls like this is somewhat simplistic--the alphas, betas, and gammas did and do exist. (I'm suddenly reminded of Brave New World. I just read that for class last week.) I can remember an example of each type from my very own school.
Well, it snowed--a lot--here this weekend, preventing us from going to Chinatown and keeping warm, but instead I went to see the improv show twice and worked on my history paper. The improv show was great as usual--wacky even. I got to eat yummy ravioli and salad and cinnamon rolls from Hammer's (yes, they have MAD cooking skillz there. XD) Ah yes, not much else really...there's only one full week left of class. Then finals and spring break where I hope to get much accomplished, but probably won't. It happens whenever I go home. It's sad. Home = Slack Off Place now since I go there for the most part only on break when, of course, we have no work. Except for me this break. That and I just know my mom will have tasks for me too. ¬_¬
Speaking of which, I guess my parents actually spoke to each other this weekend--my brother was home so I guess there was an excuse. Thank you Karen and Katherine. I've calmed down a bit now. This weekend was fun[ner than last week ^^;] so it took my mind off it. Karen, I guess what I meant by the not knowing where I was living this summer was I didn't know if I would still be in my house or the place my mom (or dad?) is moving--currently this is defined as "a condo"--or I guess if I'd be home during the moving process. I think she said I and my brother could live with her if she ever did, but I dunno if the two of us plus two or three cats plus our stuff and her stuff would fit. o_o; I don't think my dad moved out this weekend, but my mom didn't see him much anyway as he was out somewhere. But as far as homes, my mom said the realtor told her there was a condo available in 60 days or August, and she said 60 days was too soon to get the house ready (*roll eyes* yay! let's sell the house before the kids come back from school! grar.) so I'm assuming she'll be waiting for the August one, so I think that means I'll still be at home until at least the wedding.
Now I'm going to go hide under a blanket. It's *really* cold in here...
Thought OTD: "It was hard and wet, but we got through it." -- random guy on the street talking about the bad weather and shoveling snow. (what? 0:D)
Friday, March 1, 2002 02:58 p.m.
Archived. Obviously. Snippy too. Obviously. Well, the trip to Chinatown got cancelled. All trips going in Knox vehicles have been cancelled too--due to the horrible weather supposedly coming tonight and tomorrow. How upseting. Well, I guess we can try again next term when there's actual good weather? I suppose. Anyway, that aside, I suppose I should blog about what I mentioned yesterday. Said person not in the know should be home now sometime tonight, so I can talk about it now.
My parents are getting a divorce. Last I heard my dad was attempting to move out (under no forcing or desire of my mom, so she says) this weekend. My mom also said she wants to sell our house by the end of summer and move into some place smaller. So I honestly don't know where I'm going to be living this summer. Previously I had planned to live at home after graduation and work until the wedding. The scenerio was still fuzzy, but then I'd move into whereever Matt and I are going to be living in whatever city I'm going to grad school in. (Oh, wait. That reminds me. I forgot to mention Michigan sent me a rejection letter last Saturday. That's the other reason I'm depressed. I keep forgetting... That leaves Colorado @ Boulder, Iowa, and Illinois @ C-U for those of you keeping track.) But I really don't know all the details because, well, my parents aren't exactly communicative people. Which, in my opinion, is the sole reason why they're getting a divorce. My dad has failed to even mention the fact to me. ¬_¬ I guess he's simply assuming that my mom will do it--and she did, obviously, but not until apparently two days after the fact. I don't really want to attempt to explain why this is all happening. It's so deeply rooted in years and years of bullshit that I can't sit here and hope to make people understand the situation as well as my reaction. But I can at least tell you my reaction. Basically: rage. The divorce is simple the end all solution to years and years of bad feelings, possible depression, and misinterpreted behavior all swept under the carpet as we all pretend like nothing is happening and we continue on with our lives. I'm not sure how long it's been going on, but it's been so long that I can't possibly imagine another way of life. It was very strange for me to live with my host family this summer because I was struck by the sheer difference in the way my host parents acted towards each other compared to my own.
So it's not like this is a sudden surprise or anything--but of course it still is, could it possibly not be? And it's not like I can (or do) stand up and say "oh! I've been living a lie this whole time! How could they do this!? Blah blah blah..." I know we were living behind masks of normalcy the whole time. I knew it even at the time. Well, maybe not early on, but late high school/college I did. So divorce is of course the path to least resistance, and therefore it's being taken. Heaven forbid we talk to each other or express our feelings and grievences or GOD FORBID compromise/negotiate/see a fucking counselor. >_< THAT is why I'm upset. Because they let themselves deteriorate without doing or saying ANYTHING (at least on one person's part) about it. Minds cannot be changed because they are so fucking set in their ways. So now the divorce will happen, I have to wrench everything from my childhood home which will be sold and inhabited by God knows who, we'll be angry for awhile, but then we all go back to a bland "normalcy" and I bet we even deny anything even existed in the first place.
I wonder if I should be discussing such details in a forum such as this...but screw it. No gauntlets on the floor here. Only pieces of mask.
Thought of the Day (damned if it's random though): "They only have one policy...Deny everything." -- X, from the X-files
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