narcissism in exhibitionism, anyone?
the electronic pane a window to my thoughts.
i reveal to unknown strangers
like the undressing of my mask.
my feelings translated into minibytes of information.
i am archiving myself.
then i look back and admire
my capacity to withstand all the things.
do tell me then, my love, that you are reading this.

hey hey, wat's up world! had alright lessons on this tuesday today. hahaha! i'm cornily crazy. wats up with all this atrocious alliteration? we had 2 measure for measure lessons today that's the thing. lolz. mad. later i am going to do my lit hol essay yay (rhymes). ah juz found out that my lit S lesson is on thur, the day i end at lunch! how horrible! anywae, had venezia again today! rum raisins rocks! (notice the alliteration all over). haha ok faerie kisses to all! nitez!

leaving skool at Tuesday, January 13, 2004, 08:58 p.m.

yeah first day of sch (for me) is finally over. lets see, had geog, gp, econs lecture and pe.. econs lecture was bad, i started nodding off from the first few words.. PE was atrocious. 6 rounds on my first day of PE! how can! was cursing the teacher and PE.. and i got a v.enthusiastic teacher for GP. hm i think she's nice haha at least i din get SP. its been a long day. missed all my sch mates.. and i realised i have a lot of work to do if i want to catch up with all the academic stuff. maths i need to complete my hol assign, do my lagging assigns, plus the current assigns and tut! i'm like so dead for maths. econs is bad too, i din do the hol hw. lit toO! planning to do tonight. urgh luckily i finished geog but i need to consolidate the notes that piled up like dunno wat in only 2 lessons? my file is like so thick.

skoolsux. had the university talk. realised that my future's kinda blur.. don't even know what courses i want to take to get me to where i want, how? and i really wanna study in the UK.. but dunno can or not and which one to go if can.. haiyah.

leaving skool at Monday, January 12, 2004, 07:06 p.m.

had cca carnival today. t'was not bad... i realized i'm really gonna miss my OG even though i dun noe them so well. or am i just missing the whole orientation bit? i don't know. the dances, the barbeque, livia's pole and rice dance, games, eating at kap.. all these. thru them i relive the sepia-toned memories of yester year and recapture those moments.

hm reading random nj yr1's blogs i find on google. seems that they enjoyed the orientation. read some blogs that proclaimed their love for nj, juz like wat i did last orientation- and we can tell too, that pple r warming up to nj cos there's more cheering and stuff. someone from my OG made my day when i overheard she telling the whole bunch of them "so sad, orientation's over already". the happiness just swelled in my heart. i'm real proud of my OG.. and we did the sentosa Nventure thingy well, though it was so exhausting. try running from siloso to palawan beach. on the sand :|

feeling kinda empty now
y'noe, like a worn out tire.
sad too. moodswings maybe.
sch's starting, life is back to mundane
routine of handing work,
trying to pay attention,
facing the same pple every day.
i want back my holidays,
my shopping trips my bandfest my MGs.
i want back my orientation,
my OG my OGLs my dances.

leaving skool at Saturday, January 10, 2004, 11:17 p.m.

orientation's over. ugh damn tired. it was fun though.

i dun wanna go back to lessons :(

leaving skool at Saturday, January 10, 2004, 12:25 a.m.

orientation day 2. woah super super tired now, the only thing stopping me from hitting the bed is my wet hair. i was just looking back at my past blog where it incidentally starts on the Orientation i had last year. i really did have so much fun. i hope the year 1s this year are enjoying themselves too! even though this year they r kinda unlucky cos the track is renovating and stuff. hm its only day2? but i felt as if a long time had passed. ok, let me just record down what we did ytd and today ya? ytd we had mass dance and games. the mass dance was quite unsuccessful at the hall cos it was ultra crowded with 4 clans and no aircon. hm games were also kinda screwed cos it rained and there were casualties and stuff. but yeah, at least there's something going on. haha the mud bath thingy was as gross as u can imagine. ketchup? mustard? salad dressing? mUD? try crawling thru all of 'em. and i din even do it, i juz got swiped by muddy pple. haha.

oh yeah and i think Eleusis rox. heh. today we had mass dance and war games. i think my mass dance is improving! the hall is pleasant now that they shifted one clan away and used the air con. war games was fun.. haha the clan made like 1500 waterbombs filled with green food dye. my muscles are aching now like nobody's business. haha hope i get nicer legs from all this exertions man. oh and i really think we should have more OG sessions instead of the stupid clan sessions. i remembered i love the OG sessions back then.

oh well. suddenly i feel so old looking at the yr1s. i dunno, looking back at my past blog, i realized i've grown up quite a bit this year. i found out that things are always not as simple as i thought and that people are always not who they seemed to be. and my career, my future.. all seemed to be looming so closely when it was just a dream in the past. in one year, i will have completed my As (provided nothing happens in between) and be off to choosing a future for myself.

leaving skool at Tuesday, January 6, 2004, 10:37 p.m.

slept a total of 13 hours and opened my eyes to the burst of light in my room because the fiery ball of radiant energy hanging in the middle of the heavens. midday at 2.30 they call it. am stil feeling mighty drowsy now, probably because sleep is such a rare commodity i am inclined to grab any of it when i can. i had a total of 8 hours of rest for the past two nights and no, its not insomnia.

oh, many pple asked me how was orientation. well let me make this clear. NJ Orientation starts tmr, not on fri. fri is juz admin talks and all that boring stuff, so don't hear what other pple say bout nj orientation being wateva and wateva ok? ogls had put in so much effort into the orientation for it to be condemned on the first day of sch when orientation hasn't even started yet.

i promised myself i'll clear my geog homework today. i will too, and be very pleased with my diligence at the end of the day when i see foolscaps filled with words that rock (literally, since i'm doing hw regarding rocks and landform). can't be too bothered about econs and lit though, they can wait. i think all our teachers followed us up, cept whitby replacing teo. i can't say whether its good or bad, but i'm sure it'll be a breath of fresh air. and my maths, well..with her around, i'll need my tuition man.

went to the yodogawa's outdoor perf. at bukit batok cc ytd after ogl stuff. not bad, though they sounded v.different from the concert. i'll say its due to the open area and the size of the band. however, though their volume was diminshed their quality remains equally professional. they played some marches and jap graffiti, the new pieces. me and pk left halfway to rush to AC concert at esplanade. we nearly din make it on time though.

well, its hard not to compare the 2 bands that held concerts on consecutive nights. i would say singapore bands have a long way to go. AC was alright, but just that after the precision from yodogawa, its hard to be impressed by anything else. what's more ac's repetoire was very heavy going. it was straight stuff all the way. i think the audience got a bit restless at the end with all the serious stuff. pretty much like the etude but even we had some entertainment during the stage band. i wonder why this concert was so solemn. there's no emcee at all too! their previous concert was much more enjoyable. hm but the 1812 was not bad, haha i like the whacking bass drum. their encore piece was Shirim, like, huh, encore and u play shirim?!? haha oh well, its their choice.

still, i feel pretty much inspired after the concerts. i want to improve my skills! yeah hope nj band will be good this yr with the new batch. its a wonder why i am still so in love with band music after so many years.

leaving skool at Sunday, January 4, 2004, 03:43 p.m.

believe me, the yodogawa band concert today at UCC was the best band concert i've ever attended. i don't think my words can do justice to the japanese band, which i think is one of the top bands in japan. i was impressed from the first note, their first intake of breath and the first wave of the conductor's baton. the band's energy, professionalism and precision awed me all the way to the moon, plus the fact that they are on a Asia Tour though they are only 17/18 yrs old, our age. yup that's right, our age and they only joined band for 2 years. how is it that they can achieve such heights in their musical abilities while we still struggle to cope with the most basic problems? it was pure joy and enjoyment to be able to hear perfect pitching, rich tones and accuracy that is precise to the nanosec. that band rox! i love their The Carpenters medley and the last song before all the encore started, the oldie, You Are The One. it was such a touching sight to see the waving lightsticks with the flashing phones, the utter darkness and sudddenly, bright flashes of light.

i'm sure everyone enjoyed themselves tremendously at the concert. the audience was a hyper one tonight, esp at the 3rd and top level that we were at. its good, cos you give the band back the energy it gives to you. the band had loads of gimmicks and dances, but it was done so professionally i couldn't help but be utterly impressed by their attitude and stuff. japan culture essentially, is still the 90 deg.bow and the little polite gestures. i love love love yodogawa band! they should be arrested- for assaulting our senses of sight and hearing with such a volume of magic and profusion of colours!

P.S: repetorie includes Tchaikovsky's 1812, Jap Graffiti IV(encore), doraemon, the hit parade, selection from love story (wif 11 yr old pianist benjamin boo), YMCA(encore), "carmen" suite... ah~!

leaving skool at Saturday, January 3, 2004, 12:30 a.m.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King soundtrack is damn nice! aH!!! wat the hell, i need to be in sch tmr by 6.30! someone pls kill me now...homework.not.done.at.all.thankyouverymuch.

leaving skool at Thursday, January 1, 2004, 06:55 p.m.

ah! Happy New Year everybody! woah juz drank the barcardi my fren gave me. damn my face is red again. i think i should stay away from alcohol next time.. i won't get drunk but my face does turn into a stop sign everytime i touch a bit of liquor. haha gives me a rosy cheeks all the time.

2 ques: wat are your resolutions, and what's most memorable of 2003? actually i don't do resolutions. hah i wonder what if your resolution of 2004 is to fufill your resolutions. won't that be turning round and round?

most memorable. loads of things, i'll say that year 2003 is a good year for me. yeah, made a load of great friends, pple like the class of A01 both first and 2nd intake, band peepz and also caught up wif old frens like rux and wen and sher!. most memorable i think would be the first orientation. yeah, loved that time. hm and i won't forget the pple like missy, winnie and all others. they rock~! yeah this hols was quite satisfying too, did many many things. like bandfest, cip that really made me learn something, going out with girlfriends, knowing more pple from OGL, all the nie band trips.. *contented sigh* lets hope the next year will be even better yeah?

oh oh, go watch School Of Rock, cos it totally rox! haha watched already.. damn nice. the music inside really moves man and jack black is soo funny! and btw, the blackboard u see on my template comes from school of rock!

leaving skool at Thursday, January 1, 2004, 01:25 a.m.

you start out as a little girl on the straight wide path carved out for you by your parents, anxiously guiding you through your first few steps. along the way, you might stumble and fall over a pebble but they will always be around to catch you at the last moment and set you on again. those are the years when you look to them for comfort and support, for guidance and care. you totter along comfortably, knowing that you are secure.

then as you grow older, your pace quickens and your hand starts to leave their grasp. you want to see what is on the road ahead, which seemed full of adventures and attractive things calling out for you to explore. there are strangers on the road that now join you in the quest for freedom and the road is now slightly bumpy. then one day, you will leave your parents behind and be independent on the road. the exhilarating feeling is enhanced by the friends that come to you from different roads. they may walk with you for a long while, or drift to other directions in a while for everyone will be on their own at some point or another.

there are also many choices to make that will determine how your road continues. do you take this bend or turn at that fork? it will not be easy making those decisions and overcoming obstacles on the road at the same time. there will also be people who try and pull you back or try to harm you. hard lessons will be taught so that you know how to watch out for those people with ill wills and advance unscathed.

we might feel tired and slow down our pace later, when we suddenly discover that that is no meaning in all this walking. our faith might waver and wills weaken, but the road still continues in a unending stretch. you crave for companionship on the lonely journey so that there can be someone who can enjoy the sights around with you and support you throughout. this special someone will be waiting for you when you least expected it, and you will know when you find that you are viewing the things around you in a different perspective that seems more vibrant and joyful.

at one point on the Road, everyone will experience a crisis. it will be a particularly rough patch to get through, perhaps filled with brambles of problems you have to clear or mists of doubt that made you lose your vision. but in the end, this struggle will make you a stronger and more determined person. a person will never stop to learn nor never die until the day he decides to stop breathing. until then, the journey continues. some might decide to stop and rest but eventually everyone moves onward to wisdom and old age.

leaving skool at Tuesday, December 30, 2003, 11:51 a.m.

you know sometimes when you eat so much, you feel so bloated you don't feel like doing anything? similarly, so much stuff happened this 3 days i don't feel like blogging bout them. hm what i can most remember clearly was i am not getting enuff sleep these days. from the xmas eve when i reached home at 3.30 am, then next day went to rux's chalet.. it was quite fun though we din really do anything cept talk, cos finally we had a full MG gathering. took fotoes and glitter tattooed. Feels good to welcome an old friend back to our midst.

sher left in the evening though. then we took a stroll in the beach and it starts to drizzle. the wind's real cold, so we scurried back to the crowded chalet and played MJ. haha as in mah jong. i think i'm not bad at it! played silly games, talked, crapped, stoned.. in that order. haha then we decided to nite nite but i was too uncomfortable to sleep that much, basically just drifted in and out. that, i think, is more tiring than not sleeping.

rushed home to drop my stuff before going nj for the day camp. played games (some of v.fun) went nie for band rehearsal. reached home 12.40am, slept at 2am. woke at 6am.

OGL camp. nothing much to say bout it, juz played games and rehearsed. got minor scratches in all the wrong places though, oww. left in the evening to go to chong pang for perf. the perf was a farce on the ge tai! haha but qte sad cos its the last time nj band is wif nie band. i think i'm going to miss nie pracs and the friends i made there. hm.

should have gone home after the prac cos when the 4 of us went back to nj there was nothing on. dun regret staying in nj though. haha we got to shower in the guys toilet due to shower allocation problems. haha the guys r super funny, you should see their reaction when they turned around the corner and saw two girls leaning on the MALE toilet door (we were guarding the door for the 2 girls inside to shower). lolz then they started sitting in a row outside that toilet and talking to me and becky. the sch's qte dark at night, not much lights. haha wanted to listen to ghost stories but no one seemed to want to talk about it then.

went to the guy's dorm after that and had clan pig-out session. played indian poker and had dare/truth as forfeit. haha but shan't reveal the hanky panky that went on in the four walls. :P slept on the tables after that. revelation- desks are not good for writing, but u place them togther and u get a comfy bed! haha i'm serious, it was good sleep for the few hours i caught.

found this on a blog i stumbled upon:
When a guy likes you, he calls you, talks to you, finds out about you everyday, trying his very darn best to be your constant companion, and nothing could be better for him than to be with you, wherever it shall be. Then one day, after your holding out for quite a bit, he decides to stop. stop feeling for you. because your refusal to reciprocate is sand in the fireplace, dousing his affections for you with gusto.

And it is only then, ONLY then, that you think you're in love with him. But you aren't; not...really. you just miss having someone there, to prevent you from rotting by the telephone, to prevent you from being alone. you just miss being wanted and feeling attractive.

You lose your upperhand when you think you're in love with someone you're not. and it sticks with you for a long long time, becoming your dusty chip on your shoulder. even if its after a very long time, the chip sticks.

Its in every woman to try to seduce. and its in every man to try to peacock-parade. that's our wrenched human nature for you. its just that we refuse to believe we're all bitches and bastards.

maybe i should stop second-guessing everyone and try to live my life simply.

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wat a hell of a day.

super tired now but waiting for my hair to dry so might as well blog. ah am stoning out. kk, went for ogl clan lunch at kenny rogers. had a very very filling, gastronomic meal of pepper chicken, macaroni and potato salad, corn muffin, plus soup. aH i din finish anything cept the soup. ha. yeah spent some ok time wif the clan, got haogen as my OGL partner due to changes in grouping.

went causeway pt to stone around while waiting for rux and wen hm then we watched The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King!!! *gushes and swoons and wateva* yeah that show rox man. haha finally got to watch it and damn it its so zai! i love the soundtrack, its actors, its location, props etc etc. everything is so perfect. i want the entire 3 movie vcds! it'll prob not be as nice on home tv though sigh. ahh so so nice. twas long though and the theatre was trying to imitate the opposite of mount doom. after that show the 3 of us went eat KFC then go town.

whohoo the whole world is in town by 10. haha we walked around, wif me wishing 2 random pple merry xmas. lol crazy. and there's loads of pple spraying the white foam and crazy ribbons on the street. at random pple too. we were so blessed to be showered in white "snow" suddenly larh. haha but its all gd fun and when else can u do that on orchard man?

then met up wif sa and jn.. hm. yeah decided whether we wanna go mad monks not. in the end (after a very long while) we decided to go. so we parted ways and squeezed up the very packed train. damn am i glad i'm not so vertically developed. hee. qte fun too on the train. reached raffles and rushed to clark quay.. that place rox man. haha the atmosphere was there and pple are like more crazy than orchard crowd. think of orchard crowd as the family G-rated crowd. those at clark quay r more of the NC-16 crowd. hm kena blessed by multi-coloured foam all over again.

after another long debate, me and candice went into MM but sa din and rux left. yeah that place's boom shakin' fun. ahah the music's gd. too bad im straight tho da place iz filled wif butches. hee but they all look the same in the dark la. qte ex to go in, 18 bux wif a free bot of subzero..heard it's free on normal days. hm danced around candice and stuff. went a bit siao but not too much la, that subzero not potent enuff. yeah it's 2 straight hrs of shakin' the bon bon. haha after a while the music turned boring so we were more like juz hangin around. eeps then got this group of butches started surrounding as and hanging round us. haha we juz danced closer and act bochup. haha so exciting. my eardrums were almost being bass-ed out though. and the smoke ugh. haha but will get used to it..

yeah this is the funkiest xmas i've ever spent in my 17 yrs man. haha hope next yr will be even more fun! yeah. reached home at 3.30.. super broke now, with the cab fare and expensive dining and.. haiz haha need a rich boyfriend or a job but sch's starting! wateva!

how now brown cow let's go do the countdown (to new yr)!
anyway, merry xmas pple! :) love ya loads!

leaving skool at Thursday, December 25, 2003, 04:07 a.m.