-=hurt=-
Monday, August 11, 2003 | 10:35 p.m.

sometimes i get so frustrated i don't know what to do. it comes in little momentarily flashes that burst out in sudden pain, so hard so fast i could hardly figure out why. I have them all over my hands. Its like little red spots of rashes. i practise self-control, i try to rationalise my thinking and push the extreme thoughts out of my burning brain, but it hurts.

then sometimes i will get so high i'm bubblin' over with euphoria. Unnamed and uncalled for. Laughter will spill over and for that moment every pain i've known was forgetten. It feels as if my soul was dancing in my heart for that moment and a ray of light had found itself into the chamber of my heart. But i do know, just like the habitual drinker, that happiness is like alcohol 'cos it can never drown your sorrows and you will still find them waiting at the corner to pounce on you the moment you get off that unreachable peak.

it hurts bad.

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"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Sylvia Plath- Mad Girl's Love Song

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notice the no. of flags hung out this year for National Day? I did a quick count. Only 15.4% of flags were hung at my block. My family did not hang out the red and white flag too. What's this, i wonder. Is it a sign of silent protest from the citizens? The undercurrent of bitterness sweeps deep this year. Resentment at the government for everything. Price hikes, economic downturn, unemployment. Seems like the mildest rebellion is taking place in sunny Singapore. I remember a time in the vague past when every HDB is decorated fully with the flags flying gaily in the sun. Times do change and like sand slipping through our hands, there's nothing we can do.

i noticed the double entendre in our national day ol' fav. propaganda song, Stand Up For Singapore too. Why din i notice it earlier? its quite amusing. haha the lyrics... what's more the gov. is encouraging more births. Think dirty, pple. LOL.

had quite an enjoyable time at daryl's bdae party today. good to catch up wif lurong too. :) hadn't seen her for quite some time. the bdae cake was delicious! haha oh ya, we played the numbers game(choose a no. from 1-99, then narrow the range till u get the no. and lose) when everyone was bloated with the bbq food. the forfeit? 2 watermelons in 10(too easy), then 5 secs, if not then have to eat 1 more. Haha. juz reached home at 12.30. Yawnz. tired out.

the thought of doing our PW public survey tmr tires me out too. Sigh. I really really hate our PW. Whoever that came up with this lousy stinking idea ought to be hanged, shot and torn to a million pieces. and we are the guinea pigs for this foul idea too! damn.

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Half day for National Day Celebrations! yay. reached home at 10.30am. Not in the mood to go anywhere and was tired out by only 4.5 hours of sleep. Today's celebrations thingy was kinda lame. Dun get any spirit. Oh and was ashamedly late for band that starts at seven. watched the downloaded dvd Drumline ytd. Totally Rox. think i'm gonna watch it again when i have the time.

"The teachers are not going to photocopy any stuff for you in future because of the copyright laws." [ms.ting]
"You all might have to buy a copy of Ariel because the copyright people might come and check."[mr.dio]
"How many clicks does it take before an entire generation stops buying music?"[perfect10 ad]

Copyright. I can't stand it, especially for music. This issue is getting increasing irritating. It's the irony of it all that i could not stand, come to think of it. Online downloads of music is quite impossible to stop unless you can figure out a way to tag a price to each kb d/led. Hell, we can d/l wateva we like right? And when we download, we are downloading songs by famous huge pop stars earning millions. And its pop. Here-today-gone-tomorrow pop that do not deserve the CD space on my shelf. Why the hell do we want to add more to the already bursting pop star's wallet? Copyrights for struggling musicians that i agree for they need protection. but not the high-living celebrities, especially those double stars (think jlo-affleck and posh-beckham). Celebrities and musicians can earn their so-called "living" by many other ways. What about world tours and concert gigs? Nothing beats the live concert atmosphere. online music is actually good for publicity, then!

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I have 5 hours to sleep. I need to be in school by 7 tomorrow. Just finished doing my Measure for Measure text themes assignment. Just had to blog. Its the National Day Celebrations tmr. It's our(National.. JC) day!

Am currently reading Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. Fantastic book. To think that i thought it was dead boring in the past! Guess i've learnt a lot of things. Particularly since we are studying migration in human geography, and that book is about the migration of farmers from the dustbowl to sunny california. Do you know why the book is titled so? Because you find grapes in California(not to mention Sunkiss oranges). The farmers migrate to california and find that the situation there is not as rosy as everyone says, at all(think ghettos and makeshift towns). You don't just pluck oranges out of any trees. So there is resentment, bitterness and wrath. Yep. Therefore the title. analytical thinking? :D I think so too.

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i am convinced that the school is slowing destroying us. It erodes the human spirit day by day, wearing it so thin one day there will be no more. It is the wear and tear of your soul and the intensity increases with each step up the educational level. A slow and torturous process, it dulls your thirst for knowledge(mine was dead 4 years ago). We suffer in silent agony, mouths unable to articulate the deadening inside us, unable to realise that we are crushed. All we know is that school sux, as simple as that.

on another note, today's weather is the best! I absolutely love such cool and breezy weather. All day long the skies looked like they are on the edge of a heavenly deluge. Yet it holds itself back, barely, while gracing us with the refreshing breeze. No humidity, no hot sun. It makes me forget that we are living in tropical hell by reminding me how it feels like in Sweden. I felt quite alive when we had PE on the field. The smell of grass and earth whipped up by the chilly movement of air around stirs a feeling long gone. What's more, it makes me concentrate in lessons much better. What would i give to have such lovely weather everyday?

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yup, pple, believe it, that's me.

Which band instrument are you?
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I made the quiz above!! haha but its quite crappy and u might need to do the quiz again sometimes as the error page might come up. and the results are not always accurate.. i juz did it cos i'm bored.

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It's over.

Another chapter of my life has just ended. It's strange, how the night flies by and suddenly before i know it, we are drumming up the school anthem. I have no time to think during the concert- everything happened too quickly for me to contemplate. It's our last performance, the last time we are playing Vesuvius, the last time we are playing Inilah. The seniors will be gone, we will be left on our own. They are like parents ready to leave the child- and i am still feeling vulnerable. It is true that i have learnt a lot from them and grown up quite a bit during band, but it is just not the same without them.

the concert was generally well done, except that there's a major screw-up for our stage band piece Soul Bossanova. That is a most memorable and worst mistake that i've ever committed in a performance. there was total silence after the first part! the bass line(me included) could not come in.. ah well, its over and it sure makes the concert more memorable. the dance was well-received.

most pple would think that our concert is a bit too boring, as some of the songs are quite lengthy. but i don't think so... there's this movement in Tin Tin, called "Friendship forever and ever". as i stare at the words, memories of times spent with the band flooded me and i was overwhelmed by the sadness of not seeing, not playing with the seniors anymore. i can no longer roll my eyes at yingci's lameness, laugh in amusement at jiahui's cute actions or have sectionals with julian's long warmups.

I will miss them terribly.

But life goes on, and i guess after this concert everything will be back to normal and more dull. No more band pracs late till the night, no more days when we can skip sch officially while others have to go. Sigh. Its a wild trip and just like Alice, we will all have to come out of Wonderland, someday.

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Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and as many say "Your head is in the clouds."
What type of eyes do you have?
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Shy

What is your behaviour towards guys?
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You should be dating a Taurus. 20 April - 20 May. This gentle creature is dependable, artistic, and very calm and patient. Though Taurus has the tendency to be self-indulgent, stubborn or materialistic, this bull naturally enjoys a roll in the hay!
What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
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The casual girl
Which girl stereotype are you?
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if i haD it my way, school would be like this! It should be~! had half day today. no band too, which is why i am finally home before 8. man it feels wierd to be at home when it is still light. feel quite tired now though. really hope everything goes well for the concert tmr. Its sort of going to be my 2nd last concert.. hmz. i wonder how many concerts have i performed in? think got 3 for aitong band and alumni, 2 in st nix's band.. then now this. 6! haha actually come to think of it, 8 yrs in band(which is like half of my life..), 5 syfs(s g s s g), 1 top gold, 6 concerts. woah.

not that i feel i am constantly improving. i think i'm stuck. oh yar, Hotel World by Ali Smith is a great book. juz started on it but its v.v. interesting. and the piece Tin Tin(Prisoners of the Sun) that we r going to play tmr is damn nice. my fav.song of all the concert pieces! :) if u r not going, pity.

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A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks is damn nice! I dun mean the movie since i haven seen it yet, but the book is so touching. sad story, but it is sort of a bittersweet feeling. Good writer, that sparks guy.

anywae, decide to hang on to this pitas for the moment. i juz crap here lah. today was such a slack day. Went to sch, there's no geog, got free period, common lunch, no 2-hr GP, no PW! wuahaha. v. relaxed. a few of us went to KAP to eat breakfast. 10 of us actually, + fabian who came late in outside clothes(bez.) our long breakfast was interrupted by t however. damn her. had to go back to sch. Argh spoiled our otherwise perfect day. siiigh. rotted in sch for like 4 hours? chatted with some peepz in the library. haha had quite a good time actually, if not for the PW troubles. PW SUX!

anywae, forgive my outburst. one more thing, was troubled by the etude concert ticket sales. but luckily now left 2 to sell. drank 2 cups of coffee at macs today(i dun usually drink that stuff), so was kinda hyper for the rest of the day, band prac included. happy time. then then... erm ya liddat lah dunnowhatidoingtypingcrap.

was talking bout how would you choose to die if u wan to commit suicide during breakfast.. kinda morbid actually but great for discussion. haha. i would want to choose to die laughing. yupz. oh.. the Hungry Ghost Month is here again. had an interesting conversation with huixin during band sectionals today about ghosts. her experiences in pasir ris chalet really is spooky. *goosebumps*

am hungry now. etude's on FridaY! no sch for us on that day~! haha and there's half day tmr due to NJ winning gold for Chinese, Malay, Indian and Western Dance, double champ for Canoeing(haha sharon~), girls champ in national track, and top for air rifle i think. 2003 is a great year for NJC CCAs. Hip hip hooray!

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i juz managed to close my jaw that dropped wider with each scroll of a email i saw. my gosh. wierd stuff. >< some not very pleasant pics that i would rather miss. gross.

whole sat was spent on band full dress rehearsal. missed the choir concert though i bought the ticket.. :( then sun at 11 went to meet ailin to do survey for PW. giving us terrible headsche. where got pple do halfway now then change? which is wat we are doing i think. siiigh. sux. then went to buy flowers for the performers, then met up with swee and benson to go to SYO's concert.. not bad, but juz that i dun really like classical.. i prefer band music. planets was interesting, they sound generally professional... only the jupiter's violin part is to my liking.. the tbones are v.powerful though, and the bassoon sounds like a proper bassoon, they way it should be played. anywae reached home at around 11.15, then i still had to drag myself to do the econs essay, end up i slept at 1. where's my WeekEND? siiigh.

i'm starved! Sleep starved! was doing my project work juz now. got home at 9. sheesh. pple, pls pls pls buy nj band concert tickets from me. by wed.. the concert on friday 7.30 at vch. tix at 8 for stalls. No much time left, help me clear tix! the concert is seriously not bad... go leh.

these few weeks been v.busy. oh, and got back the last paper for CTs. haha i got CODE. nice huh. am thinking of stopping this online blog thingy. like wat huiwen saes, wats the point in keeping a diary when its public? aiyah i dunno lah. see first. dun see much traffic on the site g-book anywae.

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Loneliness is my only companion.

sometimes i wonder if i live in my own world, and the pple around me are just peeking in to have a look. Myriad of emotions can gush over me so suddenly it leaves me breathless and tearful. know wat i am saying? i just want to live my life, for cripes' sake. argh. dunno how to write it down. kinda crappy to be a 17-yr-old... how i wish i'm 75 and oblivious to everything, juz dreaming along and floating.

mebbe pple who take drugs are the smart ones after all. at least they know how to escape from reality while we suffer in acceptance.

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i'm sick. the flu bug has attacked, leaving me a miserable being. *sniffs* think its a buildup... din go sch today. gonna miss band, but dun think i can do much with a blocked nose and sore throat. i went for band ytd, when my throat was being grated against sandpaper. ouch. feel very light-headed now. *coughs*

anywae, i got O7 for my econs and passed my GP.. our class is simply da best.. haha we are the last in Econs too! 2 pple passed(below 50), 8 pple got AO pass, 9 pple failed. hmz. can tell that mr. lee is v.disappointed and puzzled wif our class. dunno what happened to us also. juz got news that i passed my GP.. current update of grades: Maths 43%, Econs 42%, Geog. C, Lit not yet, AO chinese 63.5%, GP 47.5%. hahaha! nice. got C,O,O.. b3, e. lets hope i pass my lit.

yawnz. shall go and rest now. tmr's a long long dae..

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to all you sorry peepz out there, we had half-day! *smug grin* heh heh, envious? yup, to reward us for all that hard work crap we put into the fun fair. not bad at all too, cos today lessons supposed to end at 4.30, and there's band from 5-8.30. skipped GP and econs! how great can that be?

went out with ailin, beat, maly, fabian, jerry and robbin. laughed so hard at the guy's crazy medley of chinese songs while walking out of nj that i was not walking straight. man can they get so crazy. realised that its only when we were in a huge group then its hilarious. i have nothing to say to each individual. yep, juz ate and took neoprint. the neoprint thing was quite stupid. we din noe where to look and the time given to choose was so short! bah.

cut myself unknowingly on the ankle. it was an angry red gash. pain is just a perception, isn't it? haven't hurt myself for a long long time. at first i could not register it as pain. was reminded of plath's poem about the thumb. yeah, knows exactly how she feels like.

its only when i put on my headphones when i can feel myself letting go. its like voices in my head, heavenly and soothing. there's so much pain and suffering in the world, and we are inconsequential. what difference does it make if we stay on anyway? wth.

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