There are so many things on my mind right now, so many problems, and yet none as the answer. On my birthday, Ollie sent me a message, that's nice of him since it's me who usually send him the birthday card on his birthday. No, that's not exactly what I want to talk about.
If I only have one wish to be realized then I'd wish for another wishes, ha ha ha ha ha. That's so greedy of me, huh? I think that's okay since most people in the world -whether they admit it or not- are as greedy as I am, or perhaps even more....
that is all...
As you turn on....Overjoyed - Stevie Wonder
K, today is my birthday, nothing special and nothing particularly new except that I spent more time with Fuu (wow, another rhyme!?). That's the fact, when I heard the midnight bell I was dreaming about him again, and I've found some of my answers with his help, surely he's more than just the word helpful for me.
Last year, I spent my birthday with 'him' and some other friends, and this year I prefer to have it silently and full retrospection and re-probation. I really need some time on my own and reminiscing about many things in the previous years. After being completely blamed by some people and partially by myself, I have to change my attitude and way of thinking in some aspects. I completely realize it, somehow I don't want to easily succumb to other people's wishes and can't be my own version of 'me'!
The resolution for this year is taken from Miyamoto Musashi, "I will not do something that I'll regret later", that line alone already compile my wish and hope and everything that I expect from myself, I mean one can't easily exceed other's expectation if he/she can't or even refuse to understand as well as expecting the best from him/herself.
Last year, I spent my birthday with 'him' and some other friends, and this year I prefer to have it silently and full retrospection and re-probation. I really need some time on my own and reminiscing about many things in the previous years. After being completely blamed by some people and partially by myself, I have to change my attitude and way of thinking in some aspects. I completely realize it, somehow I don't want to easily succumb to other people's wishes and can't be my own version of 'me'!
The resolution for this year is taken from Miyamoto Musashi, "I will not do something that I'll regret later", that line alone already compile my wish and hope and everything that I expect from myself, I mean one can't easily exceed other's expectation if he/she can't or even refuse to understand as well as expecting the best from him/herself.
that is all...
As you turn on....Tokyo Drift - Teriyaki Boyz
Yesterday, I got reminded by that damn accident once again, and resulting on another sleepless night. I hate it when someone called me childish just because I stick on what I believe in. And that not in the same direction with what on his/her mind. I realized that in some part I was so childlike and not mature at all, one thing that all the people who know me should consider is that I have my own way of thinking. I can't be steered as they want me to be, I can't be predicted or even foreshadowed. Another thing is that I believe in God more than they thought of me, I knew and believe that everything I said or done and whatever reason I had in mind, are purely and without any hesitation known by God. Without I revealed it to anyone else I'm sure that God know my reasons. I'm a logical person, and I even believe -as I'm the one who said that- that logic can heal you. Logically speaking, I'm stand on my own viewpoint and nothing can change that. Not even that damn SoB. Okay, the story goes like this. I just want to tell a friend that the damn SoB couldn't learn by previous experiences, but before I said more, he cut my words and saying that I'm acting childish by silencing SoB, he thought that the reason of my anger was the bitch, but he was wrong! It's not like I'm getting angry or else, I just replying what they have done to me. That's all! When I said that it's not as if I can't forgive someone, but since he thought me as nothing, that goes the same for him, I don't know him and therefore nothing happened between us. From that point on, when he ask for apology from me, how could I forgive someone that I didn't know and there's nothing happen before??? That's where the big question mark goes to.
that is all...
As you turn on.... Starlight - Muse
I've finally finished my actual practice course, and tomorrow I'll have a goodbye party with the rest of the team, including the teachers and so on...
Okay, ummm.... A week a go, the SoB sent me a short message, it was really irritating, from the words and so on. First he only said that he's sure I already knew who he is, then I said that I don't give a single damn about it. Anyway, he's just more than annoying, and Ony admit that.
I'm sure I ever said this before, a few years ago, when I was still in the problem between the damn bitch and SoB. To ask for someone's forgiveness doesn't have to wait, right? I even said it clearly that I more appreciate those who apologizes directly after realizing the fault, if it's a small one, perhaps an apology doesn't really necessary at all, but if I considered it as total humiliation and said 'my life is much better without that person', that person really need to find the proper way to ask an apology....
Okay, ummm.... A week a go, the SoB sent me a short message, it was really irritating, from the words and so on. First he only said that he's sure I already knew who he is, then I said that I don't give a single damn about it. Anyway, he's just more than annoying, and Ony admit that.
I'm sure I ever said this before, a few years ago, when I was still in the problem between the damn bitch and SoB. To ask for someone's forgiveness doesn't have to wait, right? I even said it clearly that I more appreciate those who apologizes directly after realizing the fault, if it's a small one, perhaps an apology doesn't really necessary at all, but if I considered it as total humiliation and said 'my life is much better without that person', that person really need to find the proper way to ask an apology....
that is all...
As you turn on.... Konservatif - The Adams
Just watch Tootsie on TV, and I kept thinking about the equality. A few days a go, I saw an artist sued her husband for hitting her (you know, those domestic violence...) and that was hurting me so. I'm a girl too, it's quite understandable and reasonable for everyone to see as well as to say that it's easier to understand each other from the same sex.
What I'm talking about it's not about the sexes, but it's about the equality, still people perceived that women is lower than man, it's really disturbing me. I understand if there's some lacking in women's behavior, but we all should remember that it goes for the other sex as well! There's no perfect human in this world, no matter a he or a she! Okay, the most irritating point is that people still can't see that! Mostly, they still think that one sex is much better! I'm not asking for a declaration or whatsoever, I just want the proper action! Why can't men treat us women the same way as they treat themselves? Why they keep looking down on us? Why can't we just walk together side by side, without confusing or even arguing which one goes first and who has wait!
What I'm talking about it's not about the sexes, but it's about the equality, still people perceived that women is lower than man, it's really disturbing me. I understand if there's some lacking in women's behavior, but we all should remember that it goes for the other sex as well! There's no perfect human in this world, no matter a he or a she! Okay, the most irritating point is that people still can't see that! Mostly, they still think that one sex is much better! I'm not asking for a declaration or whatsoever, I just want the proper action! Why can't men treat us women the same way as they treat themselves? Why they keep looking down on us? Why can't we just walk together side by side, without confusing or even arguing which one goes first and who has wait!
that is all...
As you turn on....Untitled - Maliq and D'Essentials
I really, really, really love this song. Somehow, I don't know why, and I really clueless about this... I'm not questioning why I like the song, but I'm questioning why everytime I sang the song I always remember him. This is the weirdest thing, I mean....
I no longer have any feeling for him, okay correction, I never have any feeling for anyone. I just can't posses such proper expression or else...
For two days in a row I got sick, and actually still not going any better somehow... Anyway, I'm reading Musashi for the third time. I totally in love with the story. Hee hee, I guess that's just how the things turn out for me
I no longer have any feeling for him, okay correction, I never have any feeling for anyone. I just can't posses such proper expression or else...
For two days in a row I got sick, and actually still not going any better somehow... Anyway, I'm reading Musashi for the third time. I totally in love with the story. Hee hee, I guess that's just how the things turn out for me
that is all...
As you turn on.... You're All I Have - Snow Patrol
Actually there's nothing much to say now, I've just submitted a design to DDG, yeah... hopefully they'll let me submit it since I have another four waiting on the line.
Yesterday, one of my students asked me to make a blog for him, and I still haven't ask more about what he want, does he want me to build one for him or just design the lay out for him? I mean, that's two different things, right?
Anyway, I've forgotten Ganes' b'day, that's so foolish! I mean, she's one of my friends (that I found very rare), well the fact is that I mixed up between her birthday with son of a b**** b'day! They only a day different. Perhaps, I'll ask Dawney about this...
Yesterday, one of my students asked me to make a blog for him, and I still haven't ask more about what he want, does he want me to build one for him or just design the lay out for him? I mean, that's two different things, right?
Anyway, I've forgotten Ganes' b'day, that's so foolish! I mean, she's one of my friends (that I found very rare), well the fact is that I mixed up between her birthday with son of a b**** b'day! They only a day different. Perhaps, I'll ask Dawney about this...
that is all...
As you turn on.... Folder - Plastic Operator
For the last two days I've been in total mess, I mean my health, nothing went well for me. I felt uneasy, my voice stucked, and something deep within me still ache. Somebody told me that I have difficulties in making expressions, the funniest things is that I was thinking that I could do that, I'm just expressionless!!!
I'm not in the proper mood, either writing or reading. Even so, I've finally finished Jack Kerouac's On the road, a nice novel I say...
The story was nice, it's totally rock out travel! It makes me want to travel by myself, but it's totally impossible. there's no such thing as hitching a ride, here in Indonesia. Especially for a long way travel... But I really want to have a rock out travel just as Sal and Dean have!
I'm not in the proper mood, either writing or reading. Even so, I've finally finished Jack Kerouac's On the road, a nice novel I say...
The story was nice, it's totally rock out travel! It makes me want to travel by myself, but it's totally impossible. there's no such thing as hitching a ride, here in Indonesia. Especially for a long way travel... But I really want to have a rock out travel just as Sal and Dean have!
that is all...
As you turn on....Sweet Vanilla - Hyde
Something ache deep inside me, I don't even know what it is, I just feel like being tormented and ripped apart. Anyway, today, when I was looking for a new Hoshigami CD in a game shop, I found a big close up poster of Vincent Valentine! Yay! That's soooo cool! It was taken from Dirge of Cerberus, well the game has the same graphic with Advent Children, sometimes it's quite hard to differentiate the two.
I'm still thinking about the proper name for our group, after being reminded -and specially asked by- Arfan. At first, it was going nice, but then slowly I became mad and crazy and put any vocabulary I had in mind, from hikari, hisoka, atarashii, shiawase, smile, sumairu, just getting crazier than ever!!
I'm still working on my layout project, and to my surprise, I've finished 4 out of 5 projects! Well, well... the problem now is I neglected my own site, which is this blog. I'm planning to revive the tagboard once again, but that's mean I have to cope up with those nasty iframes!
I'm still thinking about the proper name for our group, after being reminded -and specially asked by- Arfan. At first, it was going nice, but then slowly I became mad and crazy and put any vocabulary I had in mind, from hikari, hisoka, atarashii, shiawase, smile, sumairu, just getting crazier than ever!!
I'm still working on my layout project, and to my surprise, I've finished 4 out of 5 projects! Well, well... the problem now is I neglected my own site, which is this blog. I'm planning to revive the tagboard once again, but that's mean I have to cope up with those nasty iframes!
that is all...
As you turn on....Is It Any Wonder - Keane
I've finally finished Les Miserables and Musashi yesterday, and now I'm starting Mansfield Park once again. I've ever read that once before, but I couldn't grab the idea. Perhaps Jane Austen isn't really my type.
Talking about my type, today, one of my friends asked me why I didn't take a glimpse on any boys... Well, honestly I didn't mean to put it out that way, I just thinking that I haven't got the correct chemistry, I haven't found what I'm looking for. In fact, I didn't know exactly what I'm looking for...
Since I'm such a nosy and hold my pride so high, I only answered like this, "Perhaps it's my requirement that went too high, or perhaps those boys are just too low for my standard..." ^_^
I know, I know... it's not a proper thing to say, but I just don't want to talk about it. At one hand, I'm thinking on having a steady relationship but in the other hand I'm just getting too damn confuse about it. That's where it make changes...
Talking about my type, today, one of my friends asked me why I didn't take a glimpse on any boys... Well, honestly I didn't mean to put it out that way, I just thinking that I haven't got the correct chemistry, I haven't found what I'm looking for. In fact, I didn't know exactly what I'm looking for...
Since I'm such a nosy and hold my pride so high, I only answered like this, "Perhaps it's my requirement that went too high, or perhaps those boys are just too low for my standard..." ^_^
I know, I know... it's not a proper thing to say, but I just don't want to talk about it. At one hand, I'm thinking on having a steady relationship but in the other hand I'm just getting too damn confuse about it. That's where it make changes...
that is all...
As you turn on....Victory - Bond
Today, I've just realized that one of my student gave me the same feeling as with '***' and '*****' at the same time. This quite amusing for me since I never thought I'd met such person. I couldn't think of him as a male, no... not think in that manner, but just to assuring myself that he's male I couldn't do that!
Suddenly got the nerve up and couldn't do anything much today... I started to get color blind once again when I played Zuma... ^_^
Anyway, I've changed my monitor, and at least my eyes won't get sore easily as before -as well as color blinded-, but at the same time I realized that I have some kind of infection on my left eye, I have to arrange a meeting with the doctor as soon as possible. Still, in these recent months I don't think I can...
Actually the only songs that kept repeating on my head were Liberi Fatali, Bad Day, and One Winged Angel.... I'm still reading Les Miserables vol 2, and I've already come to page 916, which means I only left 76 pages. I have to keep up the spirit!!! After that I'd finish Musashi, I already reached the last book VII: Perfect Light two days a go, but I remember that I have to finish Les Miserables first, and you know the rest of the story...
Suddenly got the nerve up and couldn't do anything much today... I started to get color blind once again when I played Zuma... ^_^
Anyway, I've changed my monitor, and at least my eyes won't get sore easily as before -as well as color blinded-, but at the same time I realized that I have some kind of infection on my left eye, I have to arrange a meeting with the doctor as soon as possible. Still, in these recent months I don't think I can...
Actually the only songs that kept repeating on my head were Liberi Fatali, Bad Day, and One Winged Angel.... I'm still reading Les Miserables vol 2, and I've already come to page 916, which means I only left 76 pages. I have to keep up the spirit!!! After that I'd finish Musashi, I already reached the last book VII: Perfect Light two days a go, but I remember that I have to finish Les Miserables first, and you know the rest of the story...
that is all...
As you turn on....Cruisin' - Sieon
For the whole day, I kept repeating the song 'what a wonderful world' by Louis Armstrong. This one is a whole masterpiece, when you're feeling down and/or raged by or to someone or something, listen to this song and your mood will return in no time. It happened to me...
Yesterday, I've got an offer to teach somewhere. I better take this chance as fast as possible...
I also about to change my monitor. This way, I can work on my page and make the new layout. Anyway, just by any chance check my profile on friendster. It's here And give some comment in return. I really need that. About the color and everything else...
It seems like I really in a perfect feud with something named as Camera. I couldn't get myself good in front of it. Instead, when I work behind it, the result was quite well for an amateur. Got the point??
Yesterday, I've got an offer to teach somewhere. I better take this chance as fast as possible...
I also about to change my monitor. This way, I can work on my page and make the new layout. Anyway, just by any chance check my profile on friendster. It's here And give some comment in return. I really need that. About the color and everything else...
It seems like I really in a perfect feud with something named as Camera. I couldn't get myself good in front of it. Instead, when I work behind it, the result was quite well for an amateur. Got the point??
that is all...
As you turn on....Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani
This Morning got a terrible shock, aside the fact that I'm rather sick and also a bit shivery since yesterday. I met a ghost. Not literally one, but I called that bitch as a ghost, the ghost of my past. She stopped me by the hand but she said nothing, honestly she already spent almost a minute of my precious time under the heat of the sun. Now, that's sound more likely to be a story, but hell no! That's a plain truth.
I've never thought she'd be that daring to come front to me, emmm... that's not exactly what I mean. I just wanted everybody to see as well as to know that I'm okay without them. I can live and keep on moving. Why can't they? Why it seems like they need my respect or at least my recognision. If I don't need them, why should they need me?
My current reading is Musashi, I already up to book 3: Fire. I'm also trying to finish Les Miserables as fast as I can... with the shocking event today, I'm not sure about anything around me. I even can't play Zuma well!!!
I've never thought she'd be that daring to come front to me, emmm... that's not exactly what I mean. I just wanted everybody to see as well as to know that I'm okay without them. I can live and keep on moving. Why can't they? Why it seems like they need my respect or at least my recognision. If I don't need them, why should they need me?
My current reading is Musashi, I already up to book 3: Fire. I'm also trying to finish Les Miserables as fast as I can... with the shocking event today, I'm not sure about anything around me. I even can't play Zuma well!!!
that is all...
As you turn on....Bye Bye My Friend - Ost Sassy Girl Chun Hyang
I've made up my mind. I'm going to send a confession to him. I have to! I have nothing to lose here. Anyway, that's just a confession of what I'm lacking of, not something that I should and could boast of.
One of my friends made me as her spiritual teacher, now what's that!!!???
For me, it was quit ridiculous. Anybody should as his/her ownself about spiritual things. Sides, I'm senseless and heartless... It's just very funny...
Emotionally, I'm sick, everything feel too crowded at a moment and very and also more confusing than ever... I couldn't do anything nor feel anything...
One of my friends made me as her spiritual teacher, now what's that!!!???
For me, it was quit ridiculous. Anybody should as his/her ownself about spiritual things. Sides, I'm senseless and heartless... It's just very funny...
Emotionally, I'm sick, everything feel too crowded at a moment and very and also more confusing than ever... I couldn't do anything nor feel anything...
that is all...
As you turn on....Tears - X Japan
I've had the strangest dream of the first six month on this year last night. I've never played Warcraft before, and I couldn't think that I would... Even so, in my dream, I dreamt on being the hero in that game, I played as human race and about to fight the night elf.
Enough the crap about gaming and all, to make thing short, it's not only about why I had such game in my dream, but mostly about why the character there were mostly the people I know? That's the question.
But the reason why I called it strange is because I cried in my dream, I was crying very hard when I have to kill a friend of mine in order to release him from the pain. The tears were relished when I killed the traitor in the next floor. Yeah!! But that's what I couldn't understand, why I'm crying? why it's him? Why it always felt so real when coming to the emotion I posses?
Another thing I realized is that I'm the aggressive commando type person, I choose to be in the frontline of the battlefield and started the fight by attacking first, but before that I put the medical and support team behind the line to make their jobs easier. Now I see why I prefer to be an Assassin, aside that they're always so cool, they're the attacking type.
I've got the raw of my novel script, that quite relieved me, I don't have to put more efforts on pulling myself to write the story.
Enough the crap about gaming and all, to make thing short, it's not only about why I had such game in my dream, but mostly about why the character there were mostly the people I know? That's the question.
But the reason why I called it strange is because I cried in my dream, I was crying very hard when I have to kill a friend of mine in order to release him from the pain. The tears were relished when I killed the traitor in the next floor. Yeah!! But that's what I couldn't understand, why I'm crying? why it's him? Why it always felt so real when coming to the emotion I posses?
Another thing I realized is that I'm the aggressive commando type person, I choose to be in the frontline of the battlefield and started the fight by attacking first, but before that I put the medical and support team behind the line to make their jobs easier. Now I see why I prefer to be an Assassin, aside that they're always so cool, they're the attacking type.
I've got the raw of my novel script, that quite relieved me, I don't have to put more efforts on pulling myself to write the story.
that is all...