note: This entry is written on December 6th around 6 A.M... Please follow the date as the note. Thx


Uhm, two nights a go, telp om... and got that shocking news... yah so shocking as for me seh. *sigh* my Yang said that I shouldn't let myself down too deep, or falling apart like this. Even so, honestly I can't help myself by thinking about this matter too much.
It's either I do think too much, ato emang I just being logical. One thing for sure, I can't help myself from not thinking about how lame I was, and how bad I am, and absolutely how late I am at that moment. It felt so strange, somehow... when you have your words right on the tip of your tongue but then you CAN'T say it!!! Well, especially for someone like me. I used to and also tend to speak whatever I have in mind. Apapun itu lah. Smua hal baik buruk, komentar ga jelas, komentar super sadis, ato gmana. Yang pasti.... I don't feel a pain deep down me. Anehnya, ya itu tadi.... It was absolutely different with what I used to have, eh maksudku with how am I supposed to be and do previously or at least, what most people expected from someone with the same experience as I am. What happened yesterday, can't make me stop thinking (again..... >_<). Jadi kemaren, aku jadi kepikiran ma pikiranku sendiri. Doh, aku emang lack on feelings and emotion and always prefer to handle things logically. Pake otak lah, that's what matter.... bkan hati... skarang orang seandainya hati-nya rusak masih bisa idup kan, tapi klo otaknya dah rusak, mau jadi apa dia.... tuh kan... satu lagi alasan kenapa saia jadi mania pikiran dan bukan orang yang berperasaan.
I told my Yang about this. I told her "Somehow, I don't feel any pain, I just rather aimless..." Well, that was the truth seh... Beda buanget ma dulu. Right now, I don't feel something thrusting my chest. Ga ada bluas.... yang ada ya cuma rada aimless... Apah yah, one thing that you used to have in your mindset, the one that you used as a point or mark of something or someone that you want to aim, your main competitor, your arch enemy... Yah, something like that lah... Know what I mean kan? Klo misalnya jadi assassin itu.... kayak target utama yang dah mati duluan, itu pun bukan karena dibunuh ma orang laen, tapi karena usia, ato sakit, ato emang dah waktuna mati! Well, kalo ikutan organisasi ato being hired mungkin ga ada masalah.... Not a big deal lah... tapi pasti ada rasa kecewa, suara kecil di kepala yang bilang "damn! Why didn't I do it sooner!"
Kemaren pagi, untuk pertama kalinya aku berani telp orang and not feeling dokidoki... Wakakakka... sumpah beneran saia ngakak waktu sadar kalo aku ga dokidoki... Ga biasa banget... kecuali aku dah kenal baek ma orang itu... Contoh orang yang aku ga dokidoki waktu telp yah my Yin and Yang, contoh laen ya kisaran family, soalna dari kecil dah mbulet bareng rame2... Xixixixixixi. Kadang, waktu mo telp si Galon juga aku rada dokidoki... well, kadang juga rather excited... tapi yang pasti waktu aku telp itu, I felt nothing... Wakakakakakakak.... someone please don't say that words yah!!! Jangan bilang "Well, basically kamu emang dah mati rasa!" Eheheheheheheheh..... yah yah yah.... saia memang heartless, emotionless... Dulu sempet inget pernah pake nick [emotionless][heartless][loveless] trus ada yang nyeletuk "emotionless, heartless, loveless, artinya doll dong.. boneka..." yah, somewhat like that lah... tapi ada benernya jga... soalnya kadang aku ngerasa empty gitu... tapi yang namanya perasaan ato emosi itu cma bakal bikin repot, bikin bingung, bikin smua2nya susah...
Later lah, I'll tell you sapa orang itu... tapi yang pasti wktu telp galon ato telp orang itu buat kedua kalinya.... I still feel nothing.... Kayaknya... aku dah bener2 jadi heartless.... Horeee!!!! Target tercapai!!! Saia bener2 jadi orang yang tidak berperasaan... ^^V
Hmm... so far nothing really matter yah... maksudnya... It's not a big deal gitu lah... orang orang sekitarku dah kebal ma hal kayak gini dari diriku.... Dah bukan masalah lagi lah... tapi efek buruknya... pada saat orang laen cerita about something... I locked and sealed my lips... Komentarku berkurang jauh.... I can't bring myself to say something or hold that person just to show that I care... Pathetic isn't it? You know what others feel... eh... aku belon pernah bilang yah klo aku punya empati yang termasuk kategori fast and high... ^^
Maksudku... aku bisa dengan cepat memposisikan diri pada posisi orang laen... I can put myself on their shoes... That fast!! Aneh ya? XD~~~~~
Eh eh eh, kemaren waktu jalan2 ma Yang, Periplus... diskon gila!!!! Serius!!! Buku... 5ribuan!!! Yeah... read this one L I M A R I B U A N For God's sake!!! Lima ribuan... kalo jadi dollar ga sampe 1 dollar!!! Serius... Hueee.... saia langsung super ureshii mode on!!! Langsung numpuk buku2nya Soseki Natsume, Jiro Osagari, de el el... termasuk bukunya Bruce Lee!!! Abis, namanya lima ribuan yah langsung ambil banyak... ^^ Uhuhuhuhu... saya langsung lupa sama yang namanya shocking news kemaren... ^^ Uhuhuhuhuhu.... jadi langsung mikir saia... benernya saia waktu mikir itu shocking... saia bener2 ada di dunia ini dan mikir itu shocking ato benernya apa yah... ^^ yang pasti ureshii mode on jaya!!!!!!!!!!
Wis... capek... I'm gonna do something else now... ^^