of Bjorn of the Porn

Thanks to Cruel.com for picking Tabouli to be Cruel Site of the Day for July 30.

the laboratories of the horror on the abandoned island
"We were tightened because the helicopter was not large and the Turks had of the equipments from resumption cinematographic that blocked." Oh, and the Turks had, uh, really big asses too. The headline of this story makes it sound super-exciting, like it's going to be a real-life version of The Island of Dr. Moreau or something, but then it says "IT CONTINUES TO PAGE 7." Well where the hell is page 7, dammit??

Attention blue algae!
Yes? This is blue algae speaking, what is your message for us, over. "A general bath prohibition is at present inappropriate." Well I would damn well hope no one would ever make bathing illegal! Everyone would smell like shit!

What is that?
It's a guy named Stev! No, not Steve, Stev! "Stev comes from Chemnitz," which is somewhere in Turkey, I think. In this photo, he's in a "bathing personifizierte summer hole" in Istanbul. This sort of sounds like a really weird personal ad or a Love Connection intro or something, but it's not.

The bath of Melanie Griffith with its daughter
Even if you could actually tell that really was Melanie Griffith in the photo it would still be totally and completely uninteresting.

Desmure judge inquires into a strange appreciation
"HOW could Elf lose 95 million francs in six days?" Yeah, what the fuck, Elf? Where's all that fuckin' money? Fuckin' French elves. Fuck.

And now let us sing!
"The German journalist school becomes fifty years old", says German journalist Klaus Ott, in case anyone who isn't a German journalist cares. I wonder if other German journalists even care. "The German journalist school will surely still give it. Honestly said, I cannot imagine a world without the DJS any more." Yeah, Klaus, what a desolate world that would be.

Deadly longing after harmony
"One shot its wife with nails, another firstoh its wife in bed - two everyday husband murders in Bavaria." Yup, just another couple everyday husband murders. Everyday husband murders?? Remind me not to take my honeymoon in Bavaria!

Scappa and you take the moneies
Yes, it's that simple, kids. You just scappa, then you just take the moneies. Just like that. <<Insomma, for the sweet vacation " to make all " is boom>> and for young Italians looking for fun summer jobs abroad, "The America is earth of great opportunities."

With the fins, gun and bandana
Nothing is better than Italian gossip. Nothing. For example: "Also Linda Evangelista models to it has lost the head for a soccer player, the porter of the national French Fabien Barthez: it is fattened of four chili but you want to put?"

There was which bad in me
A very detailed account of the sex-change operation a "Transsexuelle" from woman to man with the help of a "Neo Penis", complete with plenty of photographs. The final touch is delicately described: <<The clock at the page frame wall points briefly to half six, when the surgeon cleans and shaves " his " Penis affectionately.>> "But the nut/mother feels released, because her largest fear did not prove to be true: That the daughter is lesbian." I like that "nut/mother" term, but, uh, how was her daughter not a lesbian?

The anger of Brazil grows
"The president of Brazil, Fernando Cardoso said that Argentina does not respect the rules of the Mercosur," who I guess is like the Brazilian equivalent of Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.

Chinese cinemas: " It sees first, pays later "
A Spanish newsbyte that movie theaters in China are experimenting with letting moviegoers decide how much THEY are willing to pay for movies, AFTER they're over. The racist cartoon of two Chinese people was totally uncalled for, though.

Inventors of nod rattling tone died
<<"With his invention of " nod rattling tone ", that not to smallwar-end gangster hunters and Meisterdektiv with the salient chin and the whistle in the mouth, created Schmidt at the end of of 1950 one of the first and most successful Comic figures of Germany.>> Ah, the good ol' salient chin and the whistle in the mouth. Andy Kaufman, eat your heart out!

My I complete Dialogue with President Frei
No, you may not. Ha ha, only kidding, John Beil, Ex Ministro Secretario General de la Presidencia. At one point in this interview with the President of Chile, John asks, "In which it is to only days of the vortex?" to which the President enigmatically responds, "Resting."

Libertà Vigilata
Ah, the vignettas of Gianelli! A picture may be worth a thousand words but that sure doesn't mean those words always translate well.

the " best meat of the world "
This is a little bit confusing, but it's something like the Europeans don't want America's oxes so America's taxing all their fruit juice and mustard or something? Or maybe it's the other way around.

July 27-28, 1999: 21 more articles, including a short story by Umberto Eco