email: autumnriver@yahoo.com

This is an illustration from Berserk, a manga by Kentaro Miura.  It is the complex and often harsh story of a young swordsman making his way in the world.  The art is gorgeous, but some of the subject matter is not for the weak of stomach.  This image is taken from the Italian site Berserk Homepage and used with their permission.

My Passions
Manga: X, Berserk, CCS, Basara, KKJ, Rurouni Kenshin, Sensei!, Naruto, Juline, Suki Dakara Suki

TV: Buffy, WWF, Home & Garden Network,  Iron Chef, International Channel

Reading: Celtic Art: the methods of construction by George Bain

Biseinen:  Kusanagi (X), Fuuma (X), Touya (CCS), Gatts (Berserk), Itou (Sensei!), Kakashi (Naruto), The Red King (Basara), Cho (RK), All the CCD cuties (Clamp Campus Detectives, X) and most especially Bob (Husband)

Hobbies: Learning Japanese, Calligraphy, drawing, writing, hiking, touring old houses, collecting foxes.

Cat of the moment: Lily

Fanfic in progress: "Elemental" (X) "The Other Woman" (X),  "Until the End of the World" (X), "Shinjuku" (X), "Operation Hiko" (RK), "White Devils" (RK).

Where I go
Fortune's Fools
Dreams of Sakura
Sekai Seifuku
Elitist Bastards!
X Island
Anime on DVD
TheOneRing.net
Cyber Shrine
Vulpes.org
Mystic Gardens: The Fox Den Cat-chi Cats (Japanese Bobtails)
Cyber Shrine
The Queen of Cups
Green Man Press (Charles Vess)
Kaluta Studios (Mike Kaluta)
Berserk Homepage
Mi Piace Pack
Nightfall Berserk
SkullKnight.net
Pitas.com

Who I know
Satsuki-chan +++ pointless +++
Lika Under Thlyali's Thrall
Ammie Castle of Briars
Alison Shinken
Kerianne The Space Between
Kristin Kudaranai
Hokuto-chan Ruby Cookies
Remalna Marguerite Babylon
Font of wisdom Subterfuge Archives
My Fanfiction Sedition

    

Subterfuge: By the Firelight

Vigil
Just got an email from my mom. My grandfather fell today at the nursing home and broke his hip. He's in for emergency surgery tonight. He has a form of leukemia that makes is very dangerous for him to have an operation.

The nursing home is letting my grandmother stay in his room so she won't be by herself tonight (one of my aunts is going down there tomorrow--my grandparents live in Florida, with the rest of us scattered all over the US).

I don't know what to feel about this. My grandfather has had Alzheimer's Disease for a long time now. I feel guilty for thinking it might be a mercy if he did pass on. When my paternal grandmother died a couple of years ago, I thought the same thing--she'd been in a nursing home for 14 years after a stroke had left her paralyzed and unable to walk or speak. What kind of life is that? And for my grandfather now, who doesn't recognize his own family and gets lost in his own room, is it maybe a decent, humane thing to hope that he doesn't have to go through a painful rehabilitation, especially when he's not all that clear about anything going on around him?

These are the hard questions for which there are no good answers.

It's asking for the taking
Trembling, shaking,
Oh, my heart is aching...

Carly Simon, Let the River Run


Tuesday, February 12, 2002 09:21 p.m.

Various and Sundry

First, I'll be social:
Alison, you make an interesting point about fansubs and the so-called "fansub ethics". I started to put a big rant here about it, but you've said it better than I could.

Lika, the winterlude sounds very neat. We've had a remarkably wimpy winter here in Iowa so far. And I can't believe I'm complaining about that! When Bob first brought me up here, all I ever did was complain about the cold. LOL! And Alexei Denisof is incredible as Wesley.

Kerianne, re your rant on your government class: what really sucks is that those kinds of attitudes don't disappear after people graduate. While some people grow out of their narrow-mindedness, most don't. And wait until they start breeding--they get worse because they're "protecting their children".

Sats-chan, it was great getting to talk to you and Mica-chan the other day. Sorry I had to cut it short--I wasn't feeling too well. I'm so sorry about the trees! Those blasted neighbors! Grrrr!

Whoa, Ammie-chan, that Hinoto thing is getting waaaaaaay too scary! ;-D

I heard from my friend Esther on Saturday. Esther and I met in college: she was a Navy ROTC person and I happened to be in the ROTC building for a drama class. I was wearing a little Dr. Who pin (Peter Davison, of course!), and she came right up and started talking to me like she'd known me forever. I had NO idea who she was, so I finally said "I'm sorry, I don't recall your name?" She smiled and said "Oh, we haven't met. I just saw your pin." We've been buddies ever since.

She's been in the Navy all this time since we graduated. She's the smartest and most disciplined person I've ever met, bar none. I sometimes lose track of her when she goes off on a tour of duty (she just got back from the Middle-East), but somehow, she always manages to find me when she gets back. She writes as well, much better than I do, whole novels, mainly science fiction/fantasy! Hopefully, one day ya'll might see her works in the bookstores.

We mainly keep track by correspondance. I haven't actually seen her in person since 1996 or so. But with friends like that, it hardly matters. You meet up and start the conversation as if you've never parted. It's a wonderful feeling. And it makes Dubuque feel a little less lonely.

Monday, February 11, 2002 05:16 a.m.

And the weirdness continues

So now, someone swerved into our yard, barely missed the tree, and almost plowed into our dining room window. I was sitting there when it happened. You could see the face on the boy who was driving the car. Idjits oughta know not to take that curve at high speed. Fortunately, he was able to pull out before he did any damage. Well, except to my nerves.

According to the vet, Lily is perfectly healthy, but is suffering from anxiety. So evidently, Bob and I have cat parenting issues to deal with. Ah, well, at least she isn't sick.

My great-aunt Lizzie passed away. She was a fairly well-known artist, an oil painter who specialized in street scenes and florals. She was "twice-related" to me--she was my great-grandma's step-daughter and also married to my great-uncle Olas (who was, ahem, her step-brother). I want to say that they were some kind of cousins as well (the family tree gets kinda twisted around that time). That's Mississippi for you--good thing Mom married a Yankee "foreigner", huh? Anyway, she was a pretty neat lady (although very strict, as I remember). And her paintings were absolutely wonderful.

So all this weirdness is a bit overwhelming. Social blogging later, am feeling very tired, meds evil.

Tuesday, February 5, 2002 07:37 p.m.

More Weirdness

The microwave oven just tried to fry me. Fzzt, Fzzt, sparks everywhere. Fun. Now we have to get a new microwave. At least they're not so expensive anymore. And, I have to say, I did get my use out of this one!

Niiice Layout! Very cute. Like it lots!

I agree, although otoh, it makes for a nice plot enhancer. The wonderful thing about Snape is that you never really know which way he'll go, only that he'll be equally unpleasant no matter what he does. I just adore that character!

Gotta watch that I-80, especially around Mitchellville/Colfax and that lonely stretch between Newton and the Amana Colonies! Glad to hear you weren't hurt!

I thought your rant on success was really interesting. The concept of success has personally given me a lot of grief in my lifetime. My dad came from a poor immigrant family and lived "the American Dream", becoming quite successful. I won't say he's well liked, but everyone respects him. But he was fortunate in a way, because he followed his passion (airplanes) which just happened to be a very lucrative field to be in. Honestly, if he hadn't had a family to support, he probably would have worked for free because he loved flying so much. He was really unhappy before he retired because they had him riding a desk, when truth be told, he would have rather been in the air. So, because of him, I feel guilty that I'm not the raging success that he was.

Bob gets kinda irritated at my folks because they put that kind of pressure on me. It's important to them that I'm extraordinary, even when all evidence points to the fact that I'm not any kind of genius. I never was. I'm musical, but only just. I'm artistic, but only just. I'm good with accounting, but only just. And the list goes on and on--I'm the epitome of mediocre. And even at "normal" things, I was not "successful". I married a poor man. I kept my own name. I refuse to have children, thus denying them the status of grandparents. My personal criteria for success has always been to make my parents proud of me. And that will never, ever happen.

The kind of success Lika was talking about is also like this. Yeah, there are some extraordinary people in the world, who are shrewd and lucky and sometimes unscrupulous. And these are the sort that usually get ahead in the world. It's useless trying to compare with them. And really, does it matter if you have a house in the country, or a late-model car, or if you wear the latest fashions? Some people say yes, and they really believe that it's true. I don't. I think true success is measured by your own happiness.

What's the use of making a lot of money if you don't have time to see your family and friends? Yeah, it's nice to be able to buy stuff, but in 10 or 15 years, it'll just be more clutter. (I'm just as bad as the next person in this regard--I love buying stuff!)Same goes for fancy houses, late-model cars or the latest fashions. I never cared much about cars and I lost interest in fashion when I gained weight and no longer looked good in them, but I profess a weakness for a nice house--I'd really love to have a big house just far enough in the country to be rustic, but close enough to town to be convenient. However, there's nothing wrong with the old fixer-upper we live in now. (In fact, a funny point about how perceptions change: Mom told me that actually, this house is bigger than the one I grew up in! I always thought that house was gigantic!)

Success for me is finding a place where you belong and friends around who love and accept you, flawed though you may be. Am I successful now? Not really, although having Bob around helps. Have I been successful in the past? A few times, but I was stupid and didn't know what I had until it was gone. Will I be successful in the future? Maybe. Never say never.

And I'm at the rambling point here. Lika, thanks for writing that. It sure made me think (which is why I love rants, even if I don't always agree with them). And hon, I think you have enormous potential for success! You're friendly and sweet and have a real passion for life and for things beyond your little corner of the world. That's pretty special, and don't you forget it!

Whoa, that was long. Sorry...

Monday, February 4, 2002 02:46 p.m.

Weirdness

Things continue to be very strange. I got locked out of my Yahoo stuff evidently because there were too many failed attempts to sign on in the last 12 hours. What's strange is that I haven't been online during that time. They let me back in after I did their little security thing, but the episode shook me up a bit.

I'm way out of sorts. Started a new med (I've been off meds for about 2 years, but this past month has not been a good one for me, so back on I go--bah!). It's only been a few days, but I can say that it's making me very sleepy. And hungry. I'm going to have to watch myself very carefully. The last time they had me on meds, I gained about 80 lbs. I've lost 20 lbs since then, but still, I can't afford to add on any more weight.

Spent a good part of Saturday in the comfy chair--I'd been shoveling snow due to the winter storm that blew through this week. The problem being that I kinda sorta overdid. A day's rest soon set me to rights, though.

Lily's been acting up, peeing all over everything. Her personality completely changed last year after Mirrim died--she used to be this friendly little kitty, and now she's this sullen, resentful cat. I'm going to take her into the vet Tuesday--I hope it's nothing too serious. But enough is enough. I had to wash 3 quilts last week because she can't bother to use the damn box.

My grandfather's Alzheimer's Disease finally got bad enough that they had to put him in a nursing home. He's really mad, but what can you do? He's almost ninety (and so is my grandmother). She just doesn't have the strength to keep taking care of him at home, not at her age. It's one of those things I feel bad about, but it has been coming for a long time. When Bob and I got married a few years back, he came to the wedding, but had no idea who I was. It's pretty scary, seeing a bright, intelligent man like him diminish into senility. It makes you want to really take advantage of the time you have now.

Writing has been sporadic. Gotten a couple of good scenes down, but most of what I've written has been crap. I blame the meds. I'm having a hard time focusing on one thing long enough to accomplish anything. It's irritating, to say the least! Hopefully, my brain will settle down soon. It's not like I haven't been through this before. At least I'm not working right now, so that's one less stressor. And Bob just says "Do what you can and don't worry about it." But I still worry! Mainly that I'm not contributing enough!

And I'm sure I'm not making any sense at all now.

Oh, any Buddhists out there...I have a question about how Buddhist prayer is structured. I have some books on Buddhism, but they mainly deal with philosophy or meditation. Anyway, there's a scene I want to write, with Sorata leading a prayer, but I don't know how he would do that (or if that's something he would do--I would assume that priests lead prayers, much like X-tian priests do?). Any advice would be welcome.

And that's all folks. I've been up half the night, gotta gotta GOTTA try to get some sleep.

Monday, February 4, 2002 03:08 a.m.

Biiiiiiitch

*rant about how angry I am about certain matters deleted due to the fact that I really hate cussing on my blog. Rest assured, I was really angry and used extreme foul language!*

social blogging:
It's good to see you back! Sense and Sensibility is one of my favorite films too (and yes, because of Alan Rickman!). I don't agree with your assessment of the Col.Brandon/Marianne romance, though. I found it very romantic. Marianne had a very skewered opinion of what love should be like. And I think by having her heart broken by Willoughby, she learned that love isn't all choirs singing and glorious high feelings. She had been aware of Col. Brandon's regard for her, and had seen the many small things he did to show his feelings. I don't think she "settled" so much as she learned a painful lesson. She was lucky, however, that he still wanted her after all that. I don't think you can really love until you've had your heart broken at least once. But that's just my personal opinion. Milage may vary. ;-D

Glad you liked the new layout! I like the yellow, too. It's one of the things that appealed to me about the illustration. I tend to favor greens and blues, but yellow is a color I like to have around me. It's so cheerful! I really like yellows when they're in kitchens (like in the floor tiles, or countertops). I think that was a fad in the 1930's or so? Anyway, one day Bob and I will redo our kitchen with a lot of light, friendly yellow!

Lika, I wish there was something I could say or do to make the evil college experience any better. Just hang in there, chica!

I hope everyone is having a better week than I am. It's just been weird, some of the things that have been happening. I'm rather out of sorts. I'm sure everyone has times like this though! Maybe I need to sit down and read through my Card Captor Sakura manga or something--I need a happy, cheery sort of story right now.

Thursday, January 31, 2002 09:53 p.m.

Bright and Cheery

So, Berserk layout this time. When I fall in love, I fall hard. Bob's laughing at me. Many thanks to the nice folks at the Berserk Homepage who let me grab this image from their gallery. It was kind of funny getting the email back from them. I guess it was kind of a pain trying to read my English! But I sure appreciate them being so nice.

Kristin, you have my sympathy. I went through something similar early last summer. That's gotta be frustrating for you. I still occasionally do writing in notebooks myself, mainly when I'm really sick of looking at a computer screen. However, I find I end up changing most of the wording as I type the stuff in! Hope you can rebuild your fics, etc.

Alison, I'm so sorry about Misha. I suppose it's good that he's no longer in pain, but that never seems to make it any easier to bear. When my Mirrim died last year of cancer, I remember how bad I felt, especially since we'd tried so hard to save her. Even Bob cried. So, please know that you're in our thoughts. Hug your other kitties tight and remember what a special cat he was!

Hellooooo? Satsuki-chan? Is everything okay? Miss you, hon!

For my very old friends who read this (you know who you are!), it looks like we're going to try to get back with the SCA. There's not a local group, but Dark River isn't too far a drive. Dubuque is actually on the border of two kingdoms (Calontir and the Middle Kingdom)and a principality (Northshield), which means we can have our choice on where to play. It also makes things interesting. I lost most of my garb in a flood a couple of years ago and Bob has one tunic that a friend of mine gave him, so I may have some sewing to do. I should probably pull out my calligraphy stuff and start practicing again, too. But it'll be fun, I think. I enjoyed the time I used to have when I was in the SCA before. But this time, I promise, no armor, no fighting and no politics! We are going to try archery, though!

Tuesday, January 29, 2002 10:09 p.m.