email: autumnriver@yahoo.com

A lovely pic of Kusanagi! Good thing to know that CLAMP hasn't forgotten him!  Thanks to Alison for the use of her scan. You can visit her site at Dreams of Sakura.

My Passions
Manga: X, Berserk, CCS, Basara, KKJ, Rurouni Kenshin, Sensei!, Naruto, Juline, Suki Dakara Suki, Wish!

TV: Enterprise, Firefly, Home & Garden Network, Iron Chef, International Channel

Sewing:  brown wool-tweed overdress, red linen tunic for Aelfgeirr, black linen undertunic for Aelfgeirr, purple Calontir tabards

Armoring: pauldrons, gorget, simple cops, vanbraces

Biseinen: Kusanagi (X), Fuuma (X), Touya (CCS), Gatts (Berserk), Itou (Sensei!), Kakashi (Naruto), The Red King (Basara), Cho (RK), All the CCD cuties (Clamp Campus Detectives, X) and most especially Bob (Husband)

Hobbies: Learning Japanese, Calligraphy, drawing, writing, hiking, touring old houses, making medieval stuff, collecting foxes.

Cat of the moment: Nabiki

Subterfuge: Winter is Coming

Say Goodbye to Lucidity

**WARNING: WHINE ALERT!!**

Oh, yay, another sleepless night. A lot of that going around here lately.

Well, tomorrow noonish I go see the doctor. I'm unhappy and scared. At least I know what the problem is, I've had this illness for many years now. But I really don't want to go back on the meds. And I have to. I've been fried since early December, maybe before. This past month has been an exercise in keeping up appearances, trying not to seem crazy.

"I'm ill," I say. "I haven't been well."

I guess it beats "Yes, I look like something the cat drug in, because I haven't slept decently in weeks due to the voices in my head that all insist on talking at once, which makes it hard to concentrate on what I'm thinking, much less what people are saying to me."

Oh, yeah, that will win friends and influence people. "I'm ill." is going to have to do for now.

One of the stories from Neil Gaiman's greatest Sandman story collections, Dream Country, is Calliope, a tragic tale which ends with a writer cursed with so many ideas he literally writes his fingers to the bone. I often feel like that lately. My house is filled with half-done projects, and I walk around working a bit on this, a bit on that, the smallest distraction pulling me away. My muse is working overtime, and basically kicking my ass.

God, this house is a mess. And I'm so tired. And I can't sleep. Poor Bob. He's been through this before. He's so sweet about it all.

Riverwatch is having their first event next October. I had volunteered to autocrat (be in charge, basically). I've run events before (the largest one was for nearly 450 people), and helped at countless others. It's not that hard, so long as you give yourself plenty of time, delegate often, and know your crew and how they work. But with the illness, I'm not sure how I'll be come October. So I said at the meeting that I'm ill, and that I would need a co-crat, someone to work alongside me, who'd know everything I knew, who'd be able to step in if I crashed. (I always have worked with a back-up. I've never had to use it, but there's always one there.) Bless him, Kenzo, one of our new members, stepped up and volunteered to work with me on this project. But the look on everybody's faces...I felt so ashamed. Such is the stigma of mental illness.

But a lot of ya'll know me (some even in person). I'm not some weird-ass freak. I'm a normal, fairly polite gal who happens to be ill. I try very hard not to impose on folk when I'm like this. I depend on my own resources or that of my family. I keep to myself if I'm really doing badly. But I'm not going to play the stigma game. I'm not going to be afraid to talk.

So tomorrow I see the doctor and get back on meds. People wonder why folks with bi-polar get off their medication, but what they don't realize is that psychiatric medicine, especially the stuff they use for mania, is like chemo for cancer patients. It helps the syptoms, yeah, but it can make you mighty sick while doing so. So you have a choice: be crazy or be sick. But right now, I'm sick and crazy, so just being sick would be an improvement. Or so I keep telling myself.

I don't want to do it. I don't want to go back on the meds. But if I don't, I will be dead. Hell of a choice, that.

There's an incredible short story by the late Zenna Henderson called "Walking Aunt Daid", which I read as a child in Henderson's anthology The Anything Box. Set in the rural South, elderly Aunt Daid spends most of her time in a stupor, but once a generation, a young family member takes her out for a walk, and she blossoms into this beautiful, fantasic being for a brief time before falling back into her stupor.

That's kind of how life is on meds. That's kind of why I'm scared going back on them.

Sorry about the personal angst. Fluffy-bunny-happy stuff soon.

**END WHINE ALERT***

Tuesday, March 11, 2003 02:03 a.m.

Fruits of My Labour

And my latest endeavor: Sins of the Fathers, Chapter One. This is my first foray into the world of Harry Potter fanfiction. Let me know what you think!

I've got two more chapters done, but I want to do a little editing on them before I put them up.

Sunday, March 9, 2003 10:15 p.m.

Well well

This was cute:

Which HP Kid Are You?

Some Success

Skipping the social blogging tonight since I'm having a devil of a time concentrating. Stupid illness, rassum frassum frassum. I was feeling better earlier today and finished the first draft of the first chapter of my Harry Potter fanfic. I also got 4 pages into the second chapter before my concentration lapsed. I plotted out the first half of the story. It's fun, it's exciting, it's a damn shame I can't keep my thoughts together.

People occasionally say something on blogs about "being bi-polar" and I don't think they really understand what a person goes through. You have so many thoughts that trying to concentrate on just one is like making your way through the jungle with a machete. It's exausting. I'm in uber-bitch mode, so am keeping to myself for awhile.

Fortunately, I'm to see the doctor on Tuesday. Hate getting back on meds, they're awful, but I can't keep up like this.

I was watching Practical Magic yesterday and it struck me just how well this movie would fit in with the HP universe. True, older characters, but there was still that mixture of practicality and whimsy that makes the HP universe so appealing. What's also funny is that as much as I loved this movie, I hated the book. That Hoffman chick wrote it in present tense! It was so damn annoying! Such a pity, too, because the excellent story was completely ruined by her fake and stupid prose style. Bleh.

Finally got my birthday present, six weeks after my birthday actually occurred. It's an Ashford Inkle Loom so that I can teach myself inkle and tablet weaving. They're made in New Zealand, so Ammie-chan, I'll be reminded of you each time I use it! :D

Okay, am going now, head is spinning. But wanted to say that I was so happy to see Sats-chan posting again, and with new pictures! I really have the coolest friends, I tell you!

Thursday, March 6, 2003 08:16 p.m.

Bwah-hah-hah!

I am 83% Evil Genius

I am pure evil. I lie awake at night devising schemes of world domination, and I will not rest until all living souls bend to my will.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com

I knew this, of course. ;-D

Haven't blogged in a while. Sorry about that, I've not been well. I've only been getting about 3 hours of sleep a night on average for the last two weeks, and that's beginning to really wear on me. I've gotten in to see a doctor, but I can't see a specialist (aka: someone who can give me medicine) for another two weeks, not if I want the insurance to cover it, anyway. So I just ride it out and hope I don't break down. Yippee.

Went down to Deodar (Cedar Rapids) today for an event. It was a lot of fun. I did end up marshalling most of the day, but that's fine. I usually end up working at events. I'm so shy that working actually helps me to talk to people I normally wouldn't have an opportunity to meet because I'm too quiet. It was pretty small, but evidently that's par for the course in this area. We're going to have to change that, we are.

Still working on the Harry Potter fanfic. Got some good bits, but they're out of order. Of course, part of that is due to me being so woozy that I can't concentrate very well for long, so no doubt what little I've written may make no sense to anyone besides myself. I did tell Bob the plotline: he liked it. So I'll just keep plugging along. Unfortunately, having no foothold in the HP fanfic community, I have no clue where to post the thing when I'm done. But what the heck, I gotta finish it first!

Saw the strangest thing yesterday in the grocery store: knockoffs of Captain Morgan Rum. They had similar names, and even some pirates on the labels, but it wasn't the real stuff. Bob was almost offended. He's very fond of Captain Morgan, particularly with Coca-cola! I can't drink much hard liquor myself--my stomach just won't tolerate it.

Today is the first anniversary of my grandfather's death. It feels so odd, mainly because he had Alzheimer's so it seemed to me like he really had left us years before he died. My poor grandmother is really having a time of it this week. I feel badly for her.

Mardi Gras is this Tuesday, so there are a lot of parties going on. Dubuque is pretty Catholic, so folks here take their Lent real serious. Looks like a lot of fish for the next six weeks, huh? Although, not having been raised Catholic, I'm not sure what all the rules are...

And that's enough babbling for now!

Saturday, March 1, 2003 11:15 p.m.

Talking in My Sleep

Argh, let's see if I can stay awake long enough to type this! Dang, I'm tired.

Ammie-chan sent me a Valentine's Pressie! THANK YOU! Those Choco-marshmellow fish were the greatest! I've got a package ready to send out for you, I just need to write a letter..

I wrote an evil song yesterday that evidently was irritating to some of the Calontiri. If I had been feeling better, I may not have posted it to their mailing list, but I was ill and not resistant to temptation. Ah, well, that's life. At least I'm polite when I'm in the middle of a flamewar. I work very hard to be.

Went off to Bardic Madness today. Got there late (see below), but enjoyed the performances I saw. Some of the duets were really nice, especially the gals singing that 13th century song about a unicorn and the two singing that Irish (?) duet. That was haunting. The gal had a deep voice, very throaty, and their harmony was gorgeous. I kept wondering what would have happened with a soprano third line added. Really nice. There was an older lady who told a great story about a Viking ship. Storytelling is a difficult bardic art--it's really hard to get a good cadence to the performance. But this lady had the knack. She was terrific. There were a lot of other good performances, but those were my favorites.

We gave up our feast tickets because I was feeling pretty bad and needed to get back home. Bob wasn't feeling that stellar either. I've not been very well this week, and will probably have to go back on medication. I've had very little sleep, either. And then my Dad calls me this morning--Mom is in the hospital. They're not sure what is wrong with her, but she's bloating up something terrible. They're going to run some tests and see if they can find out the problem. She was in a lot of pain last night, he said, but I called her hospital room this morning and she seemed to be feeling somewhat better.

It's tough living so far away and not being able to go visit or help out or anything. I asked if they needed me to come down, but they said no, they didn't need me. So I sit and wait here. I hope it's nothing very serious. We're coming up on the one-year anniversary of my grandfather's death, too. Poor Mom, I hope she's okay.

Rachel, the new layout rocks! Sorry if I can't follow the Prince of Tennis talk. The series seems really popular, so I'm sure I'll see an episode eventually!

Alison lives! Missed your comments, chica! Good to see you back! Hope was a very sweet story. Thanks, I needed some WAFF today!

And cooool! Looks like this story has a new chapter!

I've gotten some writing done on my own Harry Potter fic, when I've felt well enough to concentrate for more than a few minutes on one thing. It's going quite well. I've gone back to using persona sheets like I did back in the Pern fanfic writing days. They really help me to ground the characters firmly.

Well, that's it, I'm just about to drop.

Oh, wait, Eliane, the event was great. We enjoyed ourselves and the performances. You did good, chica! As did the rest of the crew! Now take it easy for awhile, you've earned it!

Saturday, February 22, 2003 06:30 p.m.

Ha!

Oh, this was just too good...


What Type of Harry Potter Ship Suits You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Damn, they had me pegged!

We had an archery practice this morning, but because of the snowstorm yesterday mucking up the roads, only one other guy showed up. I ended up using Bob's bow, which is a little too strong for me. My left elbow is aching like the devil now! Hopefully, more people will be at the movie night tonight. We're showing some bad Viking films, which of course can be verrrrrry entertaining!

A giant craft store that just came to Dubuque had their grand opening this weekend. I, of course, ended up with two sets of coupons, so we've been going back and forth taking full advantage of said coupons. I've been getting DMC Floss (embroidery thread) for a kumihimo project. I'm making some Riverwatch favors in the group's heraldic colors (red, white, blue and green). It takes some time, but it's very relaxing, something you can do sitting watching TV. And it's all Eliane's doing, since she was the one who got me started down this dark path. XD XD XD Hope you're feeling better, btw. Looking forward to Bardic Madness next week! We've already made site and feast reservations!!!

Sorry, Ammie-chan, I didn't even think to write any lemony goodness for V-Day. I'm deep in the depths of Harry Potter research for my upcoming story, which I doubt will contain romance, although you never know...of course, Mad-eye Moody is the focal character and I just can't see him (or B. Crouch, Jr, for that matter) in any romantic entanglements...

Saturday, February 15, 2003 03:55 p.m.

V-Day

Well, it's Valantine's Day. Bob got me a card. Nothing else. I'm a little blue about that. We did go shopping a pick up a few things, so maybe that will count.

One of the things was the fourth and final Wish graphic novel (English translations). Oh, what an ending! (I didn't spoil myself, so I had NO IDEA it would end like that!!!) It was so sad, yet very sweet. I've got to put this series as one of my favorites--brilliant, brilliant!

We also got one of the How to Draw Manga books, this on on Couples. (For Valentine's Day? How quaint!) What surprised me was that they put in male/male and female/female couples in as a matter of course. It's very interesting, how to draw the flesh pressing the right way, hip differentials, that sort of thing. Cool, I am inspired to draw now!

Hope everyone has a good V-Day, whether you're single or married or somewhere in-between. The point is to remember what a sweet thing romantic love is, whether you have some of your own currently or not!

Friday, February 14, 2003 07:54 p.m.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Amazing. I'm awake long enough to blog! No, I've been in almost hibernation mode. For some reason, I've been really exausted this week, and keep falling asleep. Maybe I'm fighting off something, I don't know, but it's kind of odd.

My X writing streak has gone cold again...I think I'm waiting for another appearance from my fave character before continuing any of my stories. I'm getting sucked back into Harry Potter again, and the story that I started last autumn. The Potterverse is hard to write in, though, because of the sheer mass of material and the style (especially speech-styles). I've already decided to ask some of my Brit Elitist-Bastard friends to beta this thing when I'm done. Those guys complain non-stop about American writers screwing up British dialogue. Fine, they can tell me what to fix, then, before this thing sees the light of day.

(PS--don't hold your breath on reading this HP story...I just started back on it and it's going to take some time to write and edit). Of course, loyal readers already know it takes me a long time to write...!

In other news, I'm making more armor, or at least armor patterns. I've been procrastinating dreadfully and I'm ashamed of myself for that, but the fact is, there are so many interesting things to learn and do, and I've done the armor thing before, so making more of it has been a real drudgery. Plus, last time I had help, so if I made a mistake or had a question, someone was there. This time, I'm adapting patterns myself and also trying to teach others how to do this. It's hard, especially since this wasn't something I was that fond of to begin with.

SCA fighting is fun, but some of the guys take this way too seriously and are very competitive, and that's just not how I play. Of course, the other side is the guys who just ignore me because I'm a woman, and assume that Bob is the guy to talk to, even if I'm the one with the red belt and Bob has never even been in armor. Bob, bless him, just refers them to me. I swear, some of the guys I've met won't even look me in the eye when talking about fighting. It's irritating, to say the least. That's why I have to get this armor finished and get my ass back on the field. Maybe after I kick some butt they'll pay more attention?

Ah, well, stay the course, Marie. It'll get done, maybe later rather than sooner, but it'll get done.

Thursday, February 13, 2003 06:24 a.m.

All That Jazz

C'mon, baby, let the good times roll
And All That Jazz...

Yep, I went to see Chicago today. Very good musical, although quite gritty. I really didn't like any of the characters, but the songs and dancing were great. Renee Zellweger was good, but I just couldn't get over how flat-chested she was, especially in the low-cut jazz-aged fantasy clothes they had her in. Catherine Zeta-Jones was incredible and looked much better with her more womanly figure. (It was an odd thing, coming home to my husband and talking about actresses' figures. I did find out that Bob thinks Catherine Zeta-Jones is really hot.) Richard Gere was alright, although he looked uncomfortable in his song-and-dance numbers. All-in-all, if you like musicals, go see this one.

Oh, man, Rachel, I hope that rumor about X ending in volume 19 isn't true. That leaves no time to wrap up the Kusanagi/Yuzuriha storyline decently! *Angst* It's not fair! They took a whole tankoban figuring out the Karen/Nataku relationship and final fight! But then again, pacing was never CLAMP's strong point...

Lika-chan, I was looking on the Sakura Board lately and saw a couple of posts. That's what I miss so much with you not being online often--all your interesting posts there!

Ammie-chan, Briar Rose is an excellent book, as are most of Jane Yolen's writings. Not your usual fairy tales, but still interesting. Robin McKinley also has an intriguing take on fairy tales, as does Tanith Lee. I love stories based on old tales, even if I know how thing will end up, the fun is in seeing how a writer develops the characters and situations. I never tire of reading these kinds of stories!

Well, more later, I want to catch a movie on TV!

Sunday, February 9, 2003 09:52 p.m.

Socialness

I am heroic couplets; most precise And fond of order. Planned and structured. Nice. I know, of course, just what I want; I know, As well, what I will do to make it so. This doesn't mean that I attempt to shun Excitement, entertainment, pleasure, fun; But they must keep their place, like all the rest; They might be good, but ordered life is best. What Poetry Form Are You?

Clever quiz! I liked it!

I archived again and added Eliane and Beth to my links, since I tend to read their blogs regularly anyway. Eliane isn't an anime/manga fiend, she's a SCAdian, but I actually know her in person and she has some really entertaining thoughts at times.

Ammie-chan, sounds like you had a cool time on your recent camping adventures! I keep forgetting that you're in the Southern Hemisphere. Honestly, the first thought in my head was "Oh, man, she's probably FREEZING!!". But I have to say, you're getting as bad with those sheep as Alison is about Sei-chan's eyeball! Btw, have you ever been to this place?

Yeah, Rachel, it's that eternal quandry...you work to earn money to get stuff that you have no time to enjoy because you're working! Actually, I'm starting to really get into Naruto, to the point that I subscribed to the English-version of Shonen Jump. (Of course, they had a huge discount on it...). I'd seen scanlations of it before, but it's one of those things...being able to hold the manga in your hand and read it without a dictionary!

Yes, I know, some of ya'll despise dubs/commercial translations. That's fine. I happen to be okay with them.

Kristin, that latest blog layout is just...scary. In a dynamic kind of way. Are you still writing Sirius/Remus or has the Dragon-boy stolen you away forever?

Kerianne, I swear, the first thought that pops into my mind upon checking your blog is "The Nipples! The Nipples!" Nice layout, although I confess that's my least favorite pic of Karen. I just can't get into the bondage thing at all.

I'm so happy last week is over. My birthday sucked, we had some problems here, and my car was in an accident. We were carrying a load of wood (for Bob's Yurt) and the car slid on a patch of ice. The wood went into the windshield. Fortunately, no one was hurt and the insurance covered the cost of replacing the windshield, but it was still really annoying. I missed going to the Clothier's Seminar because I had to stay home and get the car seen to. I was not a happy camper, no sirree.

But this week will be better. Today is Candlemas,, so maybe I'll clean up a few things and get a fresh start on the winter.


Sunday, February 2, 2003 07:49 a.m.

They Let Me Know You Were Gone

Alas, Columbia! Today is a sad day. I'm reminded of James Taylor's song "Fire and Rain"...

Been walking my mind to an easy time
My back turned towards the Sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows
It'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line
To talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines
In pieces on the ground

I remember when Challenger blew up (damn! 17 years ago?!) and how sad I felt, like losing my own dream. I feel the same way today, even though I personally have never dreamed of being an astronaut. I was just so happy that there were people who could go to the stars, just like in the stories, people who could live the dreams that I had long ago abandoned.

Seven people died today, participating in the dream of a nation (of many nations, I suppose). Perhaps we owe it to them to take out our own set-aside dreams, shake them out and see if we can make them a reality.

I'm gonna go cry now.

Saturday, February 1, 2003 05:36 p.m.