B l a c k F e a t h e r s , v 4 .1
Picturelesque

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December 31st, 2005 (Saturday) 10:20 p.m.
Feeling : Tired

Um... Happy New Year~

Barely noticed it amidst projectwork... Though I've not gone out in ages, and am shut in this room like an urban hermit slaving away at the lightbox, I still have a bit of fun. Hurray for Irish dance and song, is all I'll say.

Gotta get myself some sort of Christmas present soon...

Also, I had to shower with cold water for 2 days. -_- The 3rd day was such a relief with the hot water back. ><

'Live a good life and be nice to people.' Why do people have to
take such a simple concept and turn it into an industry?"
- DrDave, on religion.

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 30th, 2005 (Friday) 01:51 p.m.
Feeling : >< Distracted.

I should've gone to see Riverdance way back when they did their Singapore tour. -_- Loved the commercials of it shown on TV but I couldn't figure why at the time. D: I could barely even keep myself in the seat while watching the short clips. Heck, in fact, I didn't.

Likewise for STOMP. >_< Cripes I've missed this great performance too GUH.

"Twenty percent of the world's earthquakes
magnitude 6.0 and higher are epicentered in Japan."
- Wikipedia, Japan

"Ten percent of the world's active volcanoes are found in Japan"
- Wikipedia, Geography of Japan

Still say ya wanna 'go to Japan'? Amazing how a puny country smaller than Montana can be so geologically dynamic. Let's not forget the typhoons every summer-autumn.

Very... hard... to... keep... still... >< Even the sound of the keyboard as I type sounds like a potential music component.

The world is my home, its inhabitants are my neighbours,
peace is my religion, Nature is my spirituality & rythm is my music.

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 29th, 2005 (Thursday) 06:16 p.m.
Feeling : -_-

-_- The shower hadn't any hot water. -_- I shivered and froze, sneezed and fell alseep in there. Didn't want to come out because it was even COLDER outside (it's a winter morning, duh). When I eventually got up, I was so awake and shivering, I could carry on fansubbing. Yet the cold was so intense I plunged into a 12-hour deep slumber.

Next time I'll wait for the hot (not just mildly lukewarm) water to form (if any) before jumping in.

Discussing travel plans are exciting, but I need to come back down to Earth and do my friggin' project for a change. Still needing a lot of incentive to. Bah.

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced
that man never worshipped anything but himself."
- Sir Richard Francis Burton

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 26th, 2005 (Monday) 02:28 a.m.
Feeling : -_-

Went to school today to take care of some official business.

On the way home, suddenly recalled Desmond's number (geez I can remember his after so many years but I can't remember my family's D:) and just suddenly wanted to chat with the bugger again. :o Sure enough I was able to have a conversation with him shortly after returning home and adding his email to MSN messenger. Still himself. It's a pity I won't get the chance to meet him when I go back though... >< Apparently he's going overseas for further studies (AGAIN?! He even said "i'm gonna die a scholar").

Then followed possibly the darkest day I've ever had. I don't know what to say. There's an aching in me now that wells up and trickles down my cheeks.

まったく、運命って残酷に皮肉なものだ。

Man does no wrong, in his own eyes.

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 25th, 2005 (Sunday) 07:30 a.m.
Feeling : Relaxed

Happy Christmas~ : )

My Xmas wish is for universal understanding. よろしくお願いしますよ～ m(_ _)m

My Christmas and its eve was pretty boring; stayed up translating, of all things, through the night. D: God, I seriously have no damn life. *carries on* Seems like everyone I wub's with their family for Christmas~ ^_^/ Have fun guys~ Eat plenty, drink lots (water, prefably), have a whoop'in great time with your loved ones!

I was trying to watch a documentary on the history of the West. I just couldn't carry on after 15 minutes... It always saddens to learn of a successful, unique, ancient race of people invaded and diluted into 'modern' cultures. While it's always nice to have cultural union and harmony resulting from this, it really sends a heated stake into my heart... diversity is dying by the day as the 'world' brings its people to face the new age. Languages, religions, beliefs, ways of life, traditions, artifacts... the very essence that makes a people themselves is just being mindlessly, tastelessly dissolved in this huge beaker of bland, forceful mix of modern standards of 'human'. Sure this has happened many countless times in the past with the Incas and Aztacs assimilated into the Spanish and Christianity etc. With resistance against being tainted by a foreign race only met with death, can one really consider the invaders as any more 'humane' as the races they consider needed salvation? In trying to unite the world into a single superculture, are we disregarding the many facets that give it its splendor?

Me? I'm a mongrel. º0º;

"When people like me, they tell me it is in spite of my color. When
they dislike me, they point out that it is not because of my color."
- Frantz Fanon

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 23rd, 2005 (Friday) 10:30 a.m.
Feeling : Ravenous

I have a confession to make...

I can stare into aquariums for hours and hours on end without ever getting bored. Always wanted to be a biologist, and an aquarium (a mini artificial ecosystem) is the perfect opportunity to observe the animals in. I used to feed birds out in the backyard some time ago and discovered that Eurasian tree sparrows have a social pecking order, unlike Javanese white-vented mynahs and common mynahs; that pigeons, though widely considered as 'stupid', are surprisingly sociable and tolerant of one another, not to mention I learnt how to distinguish male from female without having read anything. Anyway, back to aquariums... ahhhh aquariums... T^T Love freshwater aquariums with LOTS of plants... the maintanence of them is terrible though ><;

Well, I won't be doing nothing special for Christmas... Apparently my family won't be either. It's a real pity that family politics have to kick in and ruin such an otherwise warm time of year... -_-

Anyway, here's some visual consolation for me. : )

:
:

Scientists consider bringing back the woolly mammoth. Now I know some might argue that since human beings were the primary factor in these Ice Age giants dying out (overhunting, go figure, they're humans) they have a responsiblity in bringing these creatures back, but I personally think that people should learn from their damn mistakes instead of trying to prove that they can play God instead and try to reverse their errs. While the environmental side of it isn't that much a problem (on the evolutionary scale, mammoths have been extinct for only a blink of an eye), I wanna smack scientists for thinking this because you should bloody well think of preserving the quickly vanishing species that exist NOW rather than bring back what's already good and gone. What the hell is the use of bringing back mammoths with a planet that's under the threat of global warming? Go ahead, tell me. How can you even comprehend saving what's gone when you can't even preserve what the present has?

"Men like to barbecue. Men like to cook only if danger is involved."
- Rita Rudner (1955 - )

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 23rd, 2005 (Friday) 04:00 a.m.
Feeling : : |

News has been interesting of late.

Japan 'groper' dies after fleeing. Yeah. They should all die. The woman-only train carriages happens to be true, mind you, for almost every train line. Why? Because the fucktards can't keep their hands to themselves. Welcome to Japan. I want a stun gun. Or a gun.

Japan population starts to shrink. I see this as an excellent sign. the gene pool could do with a lot of chlorine.

Zoo tiger kills SA crime suspect. o_O Man... the guy obviously didn't know tigers are highly intoleratable of company.

Pregnant woman survives skydiving fall. o_O How she survived is a mystery to me.

PS: Haha, Shakugan no Shana... hahahaha... I've not paid much attention to the series after giving up on it and deciding it was shit upon seeing the 3rd episode. Then when the fansub guys mentioned it, I had to scoff. Friggin' lolita series. Pretty good way of telling which male is a pedophile just by looking at who likes this stuff (and the 1896281756825 other similiar series).

With dating-animes (aka 10 females to one guy, vice versa), lolita-animes (main guy likes much younger, cuter girl), meaningless mech-animes (all explosion, no plot. Go figure.), and sometimes downright terrible animation quality, it's no wonder I'm losing interest fast. Also, D: Bleach is getting boring with all the continuous fighting going on. I got bored of Naruto, One Piece and Samurai Deeper Kyo the same way already... : |

It's been quite a ride... leading my own fansub team and all for quite a while. I'm glad I was entrusted with such an important job, but it is quite tedious to harry people around and point them to the right directions, trying to remain civilized at the same time (hah, this is Sycia talking about being civilized!?). Then again, I've met some wonderful people of such perculiar disposition. ^o^ I've also learnt quite a bit on the behavior of males (since I'm the only female of the group who actually sticks around 24/7). Though I find any inegative points that are strengthened by observing them, I find many more positive ones that make me smile.

"People have to remember that this god, if it exists, allows a bunch
of nut-jobs to kill a bunch of people for the sake of god's name."
- heymanooh1, on religion

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 21st, 2005 (Wednesday) 10:28 p.m.
Feeling : . . .

You know what? Fuck the idiots who deface Wikipedia. Fuck them for defacing a perfectly pacifist cause made voluntarily for the good of people. Fuck them for abusing the power and freedom of the internet. Fuck them all.

Though, I did forsee this happening VERY early on. You can pretty much guess how many assholes there are in the world just by going through random comments at ThePirateBay.org. Why can't people just be nice to one another? I mean you don't have to go ghey with fake politeness, just don't be rude; just be neutral and respect on another on the same level! -_- *ignores her usual, cynical answers and retorts to her own question* Yeah... Sycia the idealist and cynic. (¯~¯;)

Another thing; I hate contradicting myself. -_- Hate it hate it hate it, but it's so hard to see in black or white on most subjects (save a few I feel strongly for). Also, I need some anger management. Not that I get angry easily, or that it's wrong to get angry (on the contrary, I think everyone has the right to be angry), but there has to be a better way of letting it out (or choosing how to let it out).

I just met someone who thinks sexual activities between siblings is okay. Uhhhh. I'm not a fan of inbreeding, no sireeeee. Yes I think it's wrong. I think it's sick. Yuck. Sex as casual recreational stuff is disgusting to me anyway (however readily the world wants it to be, I see it as an act made pleasurable by instincts, to get people making babies), so such between closely related kin is quite frankly, unimaginable. Mating for reproduction is even worse. Guh. -_-

Before any of the extremists on the other side of the mental spectrum come up, allow me to explain why I think this way. 'Family' share a certain kind of affection / love. Not the blatent, shallow sort of 'love' the word stands for nowadays to describe 2 people of the opposite gender wanting to get in one another's pants. It's something I'd pledge to be the foundation and basis from which most people learn to grow into their roles of... whatever. You mate with your lover. You do NOT mate with family, unless you THINK of them as lovers (in the reproductive sense). -_- God. *goes to puke*

"'Live a good life and be nice to people.' Why do people have
to take such a simple concept and turn it into an industry?"
DrDave, on religion.

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 20th, 2005 (Tuesday) 12:56 p.m.
Feeling : Motivated

Had a dream about being in a submarine and bleeding to death. Not a terribly unpleasant way to die. There was just a lot more blood around than usual and I woke up thinking my bed would be soaking red.

And haha, just met with a couple of dormmates who use the common kitchen on my floor. They all think I'm too quiet. o_O I just like to stay in my room! That and I hate cooking so they never get to see me much XD

Finally found a sensible forum in which the people discuss creationism VS religion and other major issues using their heads. : ) No links for ya! It's a locked community so idiots won't go in to dumbify the discussions.

Belief-O-Matic

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (91%)
3. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (87%)
4. Neo-Pagan (85%)
5. Theravada Buddhism (84%)
6. Secular Humanism (81%)
7. New Age (79%)
8. Mahayana Buddhism (74%)
9. Bah�'� Faith (67%)
10. Jainism (66%)
11. New Thought (66%)
12. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (65%)
13. Taoism (65%)
14. Nontheist (58%)
15. Hinduism (58%)
16. Scientology (57%)
17. Reform Judaism (54%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (50%)
19. Sikhism (43%)
20. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (36%)
21. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (34%)
22. Orthodox Judaism (32%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (30%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (28%)
25. Islam (22%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (9%)
27. Roman Catholic (9%)


I'm not surprised at the results at all. I may not be religious, but am, to an extent, spiritual. In fact I enjoy learning about religions and the practices people do in its name, though I don't agree with everything.

"To believe in God or in a guiding force because
someone tells you to is the height of stupidity."
- Sophy Burnham

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 20th, 2005 (Tuesday) 03:15 a.m.
Feeling : :O

Man dates girl online for 6 months, to find out she's his mother! <-- I rotflmao-ed XD

Damn, it took me long enough to realize my beloved Sheriff of Nottingham is the same guy doing Snape (HP stuff). And I only recognized him because of his voice. >_<;;;; I happen to adore that oddball potrayal of the sheriff! So sadistic, so cracked-up grumpy, yet so ridiculously funny XD He's the one who gave me my all-time favourite line, "I'm going to dig your heart out with a spoon!" not to mention he's dark and extremely charming in this film. As Snape on the other hand... D:} Eh... borderline sissy-ish? He should sport a beard more. Odd that I could recognize the actor in Galaxy Quest, but not in Harry Potter. o_O

Did get quite a shock to realize he's the voice of Marvin in the new Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy though...

"Why a spoon, cousin? Why not... an axe?"
"Because it's dull, you idiot! It'll HURT more!"
- Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 19th, 2005 (Monday) 05:38 a.m.
Feeling : o_O

YAY! This needs to be legal everywhere. : )

Rather odd dream... I was in a foreign country (Switzerland or Finland?) in some sort of crowded city, leading a small group of friends/ companions in search of a train. It was so crowded, and jammed pack with people, stores, merchants and whatever that I had to clamber over people at one point. The entire place had this rather Christmasy festive feel, and I recall it'd been snowing outside (the entire congested complex was within some sorta dome). To add to this, it had a lavish, almost gaudy fantasy atmosphere. Almost chaotic place to be, and it took us forever to locate the train.

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 17th, 2005 (Saturday) 03:46 p.m.
Feeling : : )

: ) My sleep pattern has appeared to have resumed their 'normal' course. I slept from 12am to 8am. After not sleeping 2 days, of course. :x Legs are feeling much much much much better today. ^-^ Cheers!

P.S: I want to see Chronicles of Narnia, but Japan doesn't start to show it till March next year. Oh well... the realistic, yet talking animals really weirded me during the promotional trailers (as much as Disney's Dinosaur's talking dinos did too). I can't explain why in the world it weirds me, but I follow the principle that talking animals should be kept to comedic films or deformed like in cartoons. They could've gone around the oddness by having some human interpretor of some kind, but whatever. Okay maybe I can explain why it weirds me. Having a talking animal that real is liek forcing human characteristics onto it. Like the first step to those furries we see on the Net these days. : | Anyway, it's odd that so far I've only heard good thing about the new King Kong film. I saw a poster of the film and couldn't help but notice the T-Rex in the film (or what looked like a T-Rex because from the poster, it looks weird) had skin and scales that looked distinctly crocodilian. Don't look at me that way; I'm a wildlife freak! Stuff like this bothers me! The multiple rows of spikes/ bumps on its back caught my eye immediately and I'm still puzzled at why its there. Dinosaurs and crocodiles are reptile, yeah... but raptors and crocodilians aren't closely related. : |

Love Is by Vanessa Williams feat. Brian McKnight

They say it's a river, that circles the Earth
A beam of light shinin' to the edge of the universe
It conquers all
It changes everything

They say it's a blessing
They say it's a gift
They say it's a miracle and I believe that it is
It conquers all
But it's a mystery

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard

And it fades away
So easily

In this world we've created
In this place that we live
In the blink of an eye babe, the darkness slips in
Love lights the world
Unites the lovers for eternity

Love breaks the chains
Love aches for every one of us
Love takes the tears and the pain
And then turns it into the beauty that remains

Look at this place
It was paradise
But now it's dying
I'll pray for love

I'll take, my chances that it's not too late

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard

And it fades away so easily
Oh Oh Oh

Love breaks the chains
Love aches for every one of us
Love takes the tears and the pain
And then turns it into the beauty that remains

"The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is
pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters."
- Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 16th, 2005 (Friday) 02:42 p.m.
Feeling : : )

I'm so glad that the school gave me this 2nd chance. Met Ishiwata-sensei on the way there (went to ask the teachers in charge some questions), and she expressed surprise at me not being able to hand in my stuff (I was making pretty good progress up until the halfpoint presentation check, soon after which the depression started). Everyone was shocked anyway... : | They all wanted to see my finished animation rather badly since what I'd done so far looked extreme promising and stuff. Oh well. It's history now. It's time to focus on a new beginning. PS: My legs don't hurt as much as yesterday, but it was still pretty dangerous walking to school. : | Was still stumbling, and people were STILL staring at me. D:

Great to hear from ya again Van~ : ) Recommend me a good carrot-cake store when I get back.

:3 Love is nice. Love is wanting to give your everything to someone. Love is trying your best to make that someone happy even if you aren't. Wub is hearing that person's voice and feeling like you could die in bliss. Love is as innocent as a newborn. Love begets no malice. Love asks no returns. Love is sacrifice.

^o^

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 16th, 2005 (Friday) 06:33 a.m.
Feeling : Calm

>_<; So my legs ached worse and worse by the hour. Now I need a walking stick. Since I don't have one, my poor bokutou (wooden katana) will have to do. Needless to say I didn't go to school. Nevermind that, moving about in bed alone was enough torture, haha.

Slept for about 14 hours straight, 3 hours were added because I didn't feel strong enough to get outta bed to work them legs.

Have to go to school by this week, so I guess I'll have to drag myself there later today regardless of the discomfort. Don't know if Takura-sensei will be there on weekends.

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 14th, 2005 (Wednesday) 11:49 p.m.
Feeling : Happier

URGH crap. My legs feel like them muscles have reached the end of their life and are screeching for a release. -_- I'm not even limping because both of them hurt so bad, more like stumbling.

What? You'd be feeling the same after a month of sitting on your fat arse doing nothing, happily deciding outta the blue to take a 7km hike up and down a rugged mountain. D:< It was an OK hike... it was cold when I started out, then the 45 degrees-angled slopes (I'm NOT kidding) made my body work after so long, and I started to overheat. The workout was quite a shock to my system for the first 45 minutes, but I just went on ahead at my own pace and got used to it. I chose to take the longest route up the mountain, but the hike DOWN was a lot more tedious because it was the most rugged, bumpy and slippery. : | Tripped over a protruding rock and fell down on my left knee once; tore a small hole in my pants (ARGH). Odd that the skin underneath with abraised quite a bit when I had my pants covering. There hadn't been anything particularly sharp there either... interesting. Bleah now I've gotta throw a pair of cargo pants away. On a side note, an extremely well ventilated toilet on a mountain-peak in the middle of winter is very not fun to use. Was about to see Mount Fuji from there, but it's a pity the peak was covered with clouds : |.

I'd gone for the hike to clear my head, get some fresh air, and spend some time alone to think of what to decide, but failed to achieve the last and unfortunately most important point. Why? Well let's just say I found out the hard way, that Japanese males DO think that groping women is acceptable. I never wanted to believe Kyoji-niichan about the matter, thinking no idiot would be stupid enough to think this, but well. I was very wrong. Just being friggin' polite, and just saying a casual 'hello' to fellow hikers, and I get one of these idiots. One would think I'm unappealing enough as I am. Do I have to bloody hell sport the look of the Elephant Man to have dimwit 60-year-old perverts kept away? Perhaps I shouldn't have kept calm, perhaps I should have flipped out when his hands went astray, perhaps I should have yelled at him when he went, "You're young, do you want to know more about men?" (No thank you, I do not. And fuck you too), perhaps I should have resorted to physical retaliation as well (yeah, then lose my footing and tumble down the steep slope with him). But in a way I was glad I was in full control of myself (though I struggled). No gurantee on what would happen if another hiker hadn't come by and made the sicko skulk off though, because I felt my conscious fading out to blind white rage and was that way for the rest of the entire day. What the hell, do I look like a hooker, or an idiot? For cripe's sake I go to a damn remote mount to hike, and of all types of people, I have to meet one of these. Another good reason to get the hell out of this country. The people are mentally screwed beyond repair kthnxbai.

Anyway, the hike ended fine. I decided it better and safer to trail behind a couple of female hikers in case any other idiot tried another stupid antic. Good thing I did this, might have gotten lost...

I never did reach a decision on that school matter. Was tired and sleepy after getting home (hadn't slept the day before) and so slept early. Woke up this morning surprised that my legs felt relatively intact, but they just ached worse by the hour and at the moment, I can't actually get up from my seat without wincing. Walking on level ground is fine, but walking down anything, stairs or slope just kills me : |

By twist of fate, the anger somehow got me focused. I'm finally more like my old self now. And today at school, though I never did come to a decision, Takura-sensei either forgot that I was on the verge of leaving Japan or thought I wouldn't really do it, and just told me what to do to actually pass myself to graduation. It seems that most people don't manage to hand in their final year projects (me) have bad attendance for classes anyway, so they just immediately fail or have to stay on another term. According to the course manager (Takura-sensei) though, since my attendance and conduct was near perfect prior to this damn depression, the teachers decided to give me a second chance. The work they've given to me, I feel I can do this time, and now the veil of dark clouds are finally being lifted slowly. I see a ray of light.

Gotta go to school tomorrow to ask Takura-sensei something again. That is, IF I can actually walk.

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 13th, 2005 (Tuesday) 04:01 a.m.
Feeling : Glad

Cripes, Sainted's comment on the tagboard, "*hugs* =( we <3 you. *hug*" made me cry out of happiness (gah, now look what you made me do! : þ), after a heart-to-heart talk with Momsy. Glad as heck that she's so supportive of me, whatever choice I make. I STILL haven't decided what to do, but I'm going to hike up a mountain later today in hopes I can meditate and come to a decision.

Sis also surprised me with a call yesterday evening. ToT Odd that both her and Mom give me the same exact advice though, "Do what you want to do." Also found out Sis wants to major in Photography. Weird that both of us enjoy it so much. I want to make a career of it sometime...

Been bothering Joyce with my depression for the past month. >_< Sorry, and thank you.

Ikada-sensei and Joyce suggested I go out and get some fresh air in my system. I find this to be an appealing idea, yet when I do, amounts of irritance, annoyance and murderousness are rocket to very dangerous levels.

Went to the presentation of everyone's completed projects on Sunday. and on the way back, felt like ripping the friggin' heads and spleens off/ out anyone who got in my way, or brushed past me. This is Tokyo. The biggest fuck'in metropolist on Earth, so the rate of me wanting to do this was once every flipping five seconds. From young I hated crowded places, staying in seclusion in muh room for a month over just made it far worse.

Hopefully Takaozan won't be crowded on a Tuesday. -_-

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 13th, 2005 (Tuesday) 12:21 a.m.
Feeling : Lucky

I feel so happy to have people who care. Thank you, all of you.

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 12th, 2005 (Monday) 04:55 a.m.
Feeling : Blahed

It's been a tough week of feeling like a manky little clump of dog poo. Or rather a month. So bad has it become, I am unable to concentrate and do any kind of work. My lightbox and drawing materials have just been sitting on the table, hardly ever used for the last 30 days. Tried starting a few times, but kept screwing up on something that ended up with nothing constructive done, or getting so flustered with myself I'd tear the paper up. So for about a month, stayed in my little room, hiding away from the world, only ever coming out when Joyce wanted to go for dinner. No, I didn't even go to school, but classes stopped and we were supposed to only go there once a week to take attendance, but I never did the latter anyway because the thought of going to school brought tears to my eyes for I-don't-know-what reason. A month of wasting away at home, and counting. Splendid method of brainrot. Sleeping hours have increaed to sometimes 16 hours a day too.

Finally talked to Joyce and kicked myself to go discuss things with the course manager, Takura-sensei, over the phone. He told me to go see him at school : |. At the same time I'd received an email from Ikada-sensei saying one of the companies I applied to when feeling much saner, wanted me to go down for an interview. Obviously I was too upset to oblige so called her up on the same day to decline. She wondered what happened and too, told me to see her.

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On a side note, I was really good at dodging and avoiding people at school so the one people who saw me that busy weekday were the 2 teachers who asked me to go. Didn't want anyone else seeing me in such a pathetic state since a day before, a complete stranger remarked how troubled/ upset I was looking.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through
experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened,
ambition inspired, and success achieved."
- Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 10th, 2005 (Saturday) 05:09 a.m.
Feeling : o_O

Hello. Haven't been blogging for 11 days. Severe depression. I suppose it had to happen sometime. Still not over it yet, but at least I have something to say now.

Been looking up on various subjects. One of them is quantum mechanics. 'Fascination' doesn't quite summarize my feeling on the subject. A tad difficult to accept the subject until I get into the proper mindset though.

Another is geology of the ancient Earth. Very awed on how much damage this planet could take and still form life. Earth is indeed a miracle planet. <3 And rocks are interesting. D:< Yeah, I'd love to study rocks. Got a problem with that?

Physical life is another wonderful topic. How it started is still one of hot debate, but the physical possiblities are all competing for undying attention. DNA, animo acids, chromosomes, cells and the very fundamentals of life. The word 'bacteria' now means something completely different to me. Evolution of species isn't something new to me, and I researched on the transition from raptor (dinosaur) to bird. : | It's all good when coming for fossil records of dinosaurs with features (not Archaeopteryx lithographica, but more primitive forms), but something's missing to explain how scales (or whatever) turned into the hollow tubes that would become feathers.

On the topic of evolution, read up more on Charles Darwin's life and a little on his actual theory of evolution by natural selection. D: Why is it I understood all this like common sense (without even knowing the theory itself) way back when other kids were only thinking about teddy bears, and Man only dared to wonder about it in the mid-1800s? I'd like very much to meet the man, and have a discussion. His insight on species is extraordinary.

Above all, nonplussed by the Universe in general, and pondering the foundations of the Big Bang theory. The Final Theory sounds nice and idealistic, and it DOES envision my take on all things being unimaginably simple, but something just isn't right about it... Still exploring what that is. Still extremely annoyed by the fact some people are egoistic enough to assume Earth is the only planet with life until they find another. Asteriods already have evidence of bacterica, that should be enough proof.

I'm sure I've been contemplating much more than this for the past week, but there's so much I can't even remember at this moment in time. Enough of my nerding. I'm sure regular people don't give a flipp'in fuck about all the above anyway. Though one has to admit that the Martian sunset does look gorious!

Not much to say on my personal life at this point in time. Guess I will when more ready.

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Have been keeping track of my dreams:

30.11.2005
Had another dream. This time I started out already dead, as a ghost (Gee that is new). My whole family was in it (they were among the living) and a few other relatives too, two others of which were like me, ghosts. Thing is we could converse with everyone else normally. We were all in Godmother's house, preparing for some sort of escape because Singapore had been invaded by... some random Middle East country. All of us were wearing their clothes (complete with the small odd caps), even us ghosts (!). Everyone left the apartment at once towards the end of the dream, the 3 ghosts the last of the lot, making sure everyone was fine. Dream end~

2.12.2005
Can't remember much of this one except I was howling at the moon a lot. Felt nice. Woke up feeling like doing it again if the ceiling wasn't there.

4.12.2005
Had another dream, sure felt like some random ancient war movie I was in. Was a leader of some kind, leading a band of poor people away from a land that slaved them. We spent much time searching for a suitable place to live, and by the time I'd awakened my body was dead tired, topped with a wonderfully throbbing head. No, not Moses. I was this gender, thank you.

5/12/2005
Weird dream. This time I was in some sort of elite vampire + dragon slaying force. There were a small group of us going around seeking one particular serpent the height of a 20-storey building. Note, the lot of us had katanas the lengths of our bodies Then there were some guys on the dragon's side, but we took care of it good. I diced its eyes O_o; then went back to a train car to recover.

6.12.2005
Another whacked-up dream. I was supposed to go undercover in some high-security prison as some big-shot female convict and make sure 2 other people (oddly enough one of them resembled that annoying plantinum-haired boy in Harry Potter) behaved good enough to get out. I had to behave very tyrannically, and for some reason, I could fly around the mountainous reigon that prison was located (despite being an inmate?) They eventually got out on good behavior and I was happy to stop the act and finally resume my normal ... behavior. Sure was fun being myself and those two not recognizing me ^o^

The second one was my buncha old friends (Sis included, geez you finally appear in my dream hun) discussing how we were going o trash 4 other soccer teams. We were all in my dorm. Sis and I were discussing if we should use magic to.... 'help' ourselves a little. I didn't like the idea much since most of the othre players were.... kids. When have I ever been fair?

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Smoking ban for new WHO employees. About bloody time.

I really wonder how people like this can become politicians in this day and age. First he says a country should be wiped off the map, then 2 months later he says that other countries should host it instead. What the fucking shit is up with this crackpot's empty vessel-of-a-head?

Internet culture is really, really weird...

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~

December 10th, 2005 (Saturday) 02:01 a.m.
Feeling : Mind-boggled

Okay, the universe is too bloody weird to comprehend with a stable mind.

If I could actually handle mathematics, I would be a physicist or astrophysicist.

~ ~ ~ ~ painting the skies with each wingbeat ~ ~ ~ ~