life goes on
the sweetest flower waits all winter long
Thursday, September 23, 2004
01:57 p.m.

Everyone who reads this is to ask me 3 questions. No more, no less. Ask me anything you want and I will answer it. Then... go to your journal, and copy and paste this, allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you ANYTHING...

you are everything i could never be
is it about love or how you inspire me?
Thursday, September 23, 2004
01:47 p.m.

One of the themes in my life right now is this crush/admiration thing I have going on.

Before I came out to myself, I had these really intense infatuations with random women. Par example- Bridget McCann (an 8th grader in my multi-aged middle school, back when I was 10 years old), Kateri (an RA at my pre-college when I was 13), and a few choice others. I adored these women; I wanted to be them. I admired their senses of humor, their maturity, and their (perceived) intelligence.

Once I came out, I began to look back over my life to make sense of it. I wrote off the infatuations of my early adolesence as crushes, as examples of my queerness reaching back into early 90s. This qualification all seemed grand until recently, when I've falled prey to another dorkwaddish infatuation. Over the past month, I've debated what I want from this woman. She's a nice lady, but I'm not attracted to her sexually and at times, she frustrates me greatly. Basically, I just like being around her.

So, we might stick this into the friendship category, but that doesn't seem quite right. Like my early relationship with Kateri, I think I see this woman as a kind of maternal figure. Lord knows what this means. I have a great relationship with my actual mom; we talk on the phone for hours several times a day. I'm not wanting for maternal affection. My random infatuations are likely just symptomatic of my ordinarily obsessive personality. I go on months-long binges of watching ER or Buffy, reading parenting novels, and eating granola with yogurt. Though rather disturbing, I suppose I could just be binging on spending time with this person. Right?

Anyway, for my own peace of mind, if you comment on this entry, kindly don't say this woman's name if you know it because all kind of folks read this blog and I don't want them to know all my dirty secrets. (I like run-on sentences.)

i've been out there alone
you've got something i need
cross over to me
Thursday, September 23, 2004
01:28 p.m.

Well, I have returned from my trip to Washington DC for the opening of the Smithsonian's National Museum of the American Indian. I travelled with three other young Native women in a fleet van. Highlights of the trip? The out-of-order portable toilets in Sandusky, Ohio, the total lack of restaurants and grocery stores in Camp Springs, Maryland, my need to pee precisely every 1/2 tank of gas (earning me the nickname "1/2 Tank"), a minor accident in a McDonald's parking lot across from the Allentown Air Force Base, and accidentally bumping into the president of Peru trying to find a drinking fountain.

Needless to say, though I adore road trips, it's nice to be back in my cozy, albeit messy, room. Laura the RLC and one of the housefellows had to break in during my absence as Jennifer had forgotten her wallet in here. Apparently, my room was unusually disorganized. Oh well.

This weekend, it's off to Fontana for the national McNair conference, where I'll be forced to write my personal statement for my graduate school application. I am getting old. I picked up a grad school catalogue and need to figure out some more schools I might want to attend. Then, I must crank out more essays for Teach for American and the Peace Corps. Ugh, why do I need to make all these intense decisions about my future?

My eyelids are heavy, but I need to trudge on into the day. I still have a power lecture, a discussion with a quiz, and a tie-dye party with Jones/Chamberlin. Of course, all I really want to do is find Jennifer so we can play Sims until the late hours.

you're a bedtime story
the one who keeps the curtains closed
Saturday, September 18, 2004
11:02 p.m.

Ah! The weekend! Of course, The Sims 2 has taken up the majority of my time. I need to wean myself off of it already and I only got it on Wednesday. Tonight's been several hours of homework in the Residence Life Office in my building. I like to study there because I am not distracted by the things in my room and I get to see people I enjoy. It's also closer to the Chafé so I can take short breaks to get cookies.

Last night was the Ten Percent Society Dance, staged by TPS's fabulous new co-presidents, Eric and Diana. I finally meet Diana's girlfriend, Molly. She looks like she should be on the L Word. She and Diana looked absolutely darling together. I spent most of the dance in the 21+ area, drinking and chatting with the queer folks I don't see anymore, due to my crazy schedule.

Love is a funny thing.

we'll see our stars are only taking a rest
and now they're lining up east to west
Friday, September 17, 2004
09:08 a.m.

It's been a minute since I updated last. School has started, the residents have moved in, and I am settling into routine. I love my classes, though they challenge me; I love my job, though it's exhausting; I love my friends, though I see them rarely.

I spent last night out at my mentor's house. She's a vet, as is her husband, and they have four dogs. Tory, the greyhound puppy, is wild and crazy. She thinks it's great fun to lick my ponytail as I read on the couch. I like going to stay with them because the country is peaceful. I have my own room, where I can read and loll about. My winter clothes are in the basement, so I pawed through the bin until I found some shirts I wanted to bring home. Of course, there's always the bonus of a good meal. I am blessed to have a chosen family that loves me and supports me.

On the love front, things are a flurry of small excitements. My friendship with Clare means so much to me, I am so grateful I met her. The California thing is a bitch, so I have been living the days with a delightful infatuation. Silly as it is, I enjoy it. I am actually enjoying the single life, strange as that might seem. I have more time to study and do the banal things that amuse me.

David is off to Boulder, of which I am insanely jealous, to see our Pinky and Jessie. I am glad for him, this town is stifling. I'll be going away too, to Washington DC for the opening of the Smithsonian's National Museum of the American Indian. My big brother should be there too. He's become a phenomenal campaigner for Kerry and I'm proud to claim association to him.

My saving social grace has been one Jennifer K. She lives down the hall from me and our friendship makes me happy. We take a class together, study in the evenings, and play Scrabble. The other day, she accompanied me in to the optometrist in a midwest hurricane. She is a chill person, with very little drama. Snaps to Jennifer.

I'll try to be more diligent at writing now that my life is more settled. Goal for the new school year? Succeed at GREs, figure out plans for next year, and learn to love myself.