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you always wanna hear the same old song
Friday, September 28, 2001
01:01 p.m.
So, I'm really worried about Lola. She's shaped all funny and she'll all rebellious and shit. She keeps going outside and that's not allowed! She climbs trees, she jumps through the hole in the door, and then she meows her head off. I am still petrified that her head is done growing and she'll always have this tiny little head.
Another kitten problem- Jonah has... giant testicles. I'm not supposed to get him neutered for a while yet cos he's still super young, but jesus, his balls are huge. It's really odd. It's like... "awww! Jonah, you're so cute, let's cuddle! SHITTTT! you have huge balls!" so you know, motherhood, always a trial.
it's all i can do now to survive
Wednesday, September 26, 2001
10:58 a.m.
I really feel that I deserve to win at least $2 from those damned scratch-off lottery tickets. I don't buy them very often, they're a treat. So, as such, I feel they should reward me by letting me win. No one wins those things. New Mexico doesn't have good ones anyway. I kind of like Rock-Paper-Scissors, but it's not that fun. In Iowa, they have a scratch-off with little fortune cookies on and you scratch them to see if your fortune includes money. That's my kind of scratch-off.
Lola is old enough for catnip and has gone batty. I gave too much to Yah last night and he got weird. Then he got the munchies so I had to give him some crunchies. He calmed down a little after a while and fell asleep. The other kittens don't care about the catnip yet, they're too little.
I'm about 1/3 of the way through Kate's new book, Confessions of a Pagan Nun. It's pretty good, I like it. It's nothing like Crazy Woman and A Killing in New Town. First off, it's about a pagan nun in Ireland whose in love with a druid. The other two were about struggling pioneer women. I love Kate's writing. I'm also reading Lost Horizon. Generally, I hope to get to my mom's house to get some of my books and my library card. I owe the library my first and second-born children at this point, so we'll see how that goes.
I'm afraid that when Lola grows up, she will have a large body and a very tiny head. Don't tell her I said so.
If I don't use my new screaming monkey toy from Angela and Sara in moderation, it will be taken away from me. :(
without all the acceptance and getting by that got my father through
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
11:07 p.m.
The first time my dad and I did laundry in Ukraine, my tights froze and we fenced with them. I miss my dad a lot. My old dad, the way he was before all this shit.
My dad was pretty much my best friend. He used to tell me all these fantastic stories about other cultures. I remember him drawing an Aztec heart sacrifice for me and telling me myths from all over the world.
He used to take me on road trips with him. When I didn't go, he'd bring back weird and crazy presents for places like Russia and the North Sea. Once he brought back these carved Russian whistles shaped like roosters- they were really cool, but they didn't work.
He used to read to me every night before I went to bed. We had favorites, like Prince Caspian and Bringing the Raint to Kapiti Plain. Whenever we went anywhere, he gave me a new book and I have a fantastic library at our house in Wisconsin. When I was sick, he'd show up with a stack of five or six novels for me, all about kids in different cultures.
I love my dad. I wish he'd come back.
i want you to pay me for my beauty
i think it's only right
i have been paying for it
all of my life
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
10:13 p.m.
When I was a kid, my dad and my grandmother used to tell me it didn't matter how intelligent you were if you couldn't properly spell or punctuate. That scared me into spelling and punctuation. They also used to say "intelligent children are never bored."
To which I would retort "then I'm not intelligent!" I was a bratty kid. Once when we moved into our new house in De Pere, my mom made carrots. I didn't want them, so I spit them up the lampshade, where they cooked right into the shade from the heat. I don't remember if I got in trouble or not.
I love my girlfriend so much, it's crazy. I've evil, I steal covers and she still loves me. Last night I was freezing cold and stole the blanket and she let me! Then, when I woke up, she had gone to school but she'd also put another blanket on me so I'd be warm. Not many people are as lucky as I am. I've hung up the cards she's given me and this drawing of a cat next to my side of the bed. That way a little part of the room is mine. I've been living here a month now!
Today Marian and I went to the post office and there was a key in there. We took the key to Box #47 and there was a package for ME! It was from Angela and Sara and quite full of the most wonderful little presents- a painted dish for Lola and Greta with their names duly inscribed in black cursive, a bag of catnip (not weed), a homemade cat toy, a packet of Dairy Queen napkins (huh what?), a wonderful mix CD from Sara, and a crazy babble letter from Angela. They also included my Run, Lola Run CD that I lent to Beandip about 10 zillion years ago. I love my friends, the package made my day.
Tori's new CD just came out and I'm dying for it. Luckily, our new friend Julie says I can burn her copy but I'm jonesing for a copy of my own. Can anyone believe a Tori release went by without me standing in line at The Exclusive Company the night of? It's weird. Ani will be here on Tuesday and my ticket hasn't arrived so I doubt I'm going.
This happened to me last year as well. I ordered my ticket online and it never came so I had to buy another one. I spent the day frantically calling Ticketmaster from Sara's bedroom. Stormy and Melissa finally decided to help me get one at the will-call (I was still too young for credit) and off we went to the Eagles Ballroom.
I guess we're not doing that this year. I went with them two years in a row, in their varying states of coupledom. Stormy gave Melissa this gorgeous engagement ring several years ago. I want mine to have a sapphire I think, but I'm not sure. Girls don't really get to pick their engagement rings.
I went into a pawn shop for the first time today and it was terribly thrilling. The pawn shop in Rio Rancho has a larger selection of lesbian videos than Oscar's in the village! Anyway, pawn shops are fabulous fun.
I should go to bed now, it's getting late.
Om mani padme hum
Saturday, September 22, 2001
08:38 p.m.
A Saturday. Nothing has gotten done today as we are tired. Marian went to the swim club and I went to Barnes & Noble and read Francesca Lia Block's new book Echo. It's okay. Mostly loosely combined elements of her previous books, especially The Hanged Man. C+ for Echo.
We went to Fortune Cookie for dinner and gossiped about the unknown lives of the other diners. Hanging out with Marian is fun. I miss Jessica a lot. I'm afraid the trip will be the opposite of what she expected and some Buddhist monk will advise her to leave me or something. Isn't that dumb? Regardless, I hope she's having fun at Ghost Ranch and our bed really misses her. She comes home tomorrow but I don't know if she'll stop by the house or just stay at the dorms. I have more clean laundry for her and I exchanged her ink cartridge for the correct one.
Marian gave me a copy of this book The Home Planet for Rosh Hashanah! It's really awesome, full of aerial photographs and little poems and reactions, all by astronauts, about how they felt while they were in space. I could never be an astronaut, I'd be terrified of never coming home so I'd just stay on the ground in Mission Control.
Well, Marian is just "awful queer" (her own words) and I'm really sleepy so I'm going to bed.
the derelict daughter
Thursday, September 20, 2001
04:47 p.m.
Okay, this entry will be another rant. Just so you know.
I am so motherfucking bored! I want to go somewhere or do something, but I am so tired of sitting around the house doing nothing but housework and applying for scholarships. Seriously, I live here like once a week to go to... Smith's or Albertson's or whatever. I am so bored! Ahhhh!
Okay, don't take that seriously, I just needed to get it out. I washed my face and my spots are going away. I never broke out in high school and only a little in college but I do here and I hate it!
I love my kittens, they're really cuddly today. We've been bonding and talking about what's going on it our lives and stuff. Oh my God, I want Tori's new album. I really wish by some miracle of God, I had it. I love cover albums (like Cat Power) and I love Tori... so obviously I need Strange Little Girls. Her last CD came out Sept. 21, 1999 and Dorothy gave it to me as a surprise. It was my math music. I listened to To Venus and Back in Calculus and even during the exams.
I really miss having my family and other Jews around during the High Holy Days.
We are the People of the Seal.
Thursday, September 20, 2001
01:15 p.m.
I don't have a lot to do today. All I really need to do is pick up my medications from Walgreen's and mail a bunch of letters. I mail all this stuff all the time and I haven't had a letter in weeks. The mailman is evil. I guess I'll have to send a reminder e-mail to everyone regarding my address.
I had my first valium in months last night. It was heavenly, no nightmares, nothing woke me up, it was like floating, so wonderful. The only problem was waking up and realizing that it's 1 in the afternoon. Oh well. It'll even out once I start going to bed at 10.
I wish I had just a little cash. Like... $15. Then I could buy another Venus razor and some shaving gel. I found out that my sister found my Venus in my bathroom and took it to school. I'll never get it back now. Anyway, a Venus razor and some gel so I can take a bath and shave my legs. Just something little like that. I need something small because it's hard just living this mundane life. Clean house, feed animals, check litter, do laundry, help make dinner, help cleanup... And then the same thing the next day. I know that sounds like I'm unfairly mean, but that is actually what I do. I'm not complaining, it's nice, I just wish there was something different that I could do for myself.
I miss living at my dad's. I had this giant bedroom with hardwood floors and all wooden furniture. I could move the furniture or decorate any way that I wanted. I just miss the house, the staircase, my hand sliding down the shiny wood banister. I miss tracing the designs of the Oriental rug with my toes. I miss lying on my back in the library, gazing at the books, wondering which one I could read next. Once I tried to count them but I have up at 4,000. I miss walking down the road to Zesty's and getting a huge cone of frozen custard for 95 cents. I miss the Sukkhoth put up outside the synagogue. I used to gaze at it as my bus went by, taking me home from school.
Holidays were wonderful there. We even celebrated the Christian ones. My birthday was always special. Daddy would take me out to lunch at Peking House, my favorite restaurant. Then, we'd go to School House for me to pick out a set of Playmobil. (I had all the sets by the time I was 15) Even now, when I see new sets coming out, I'm tempted to grab my dad to run and buy them.
I don't know what happened, that I became so depressed. It's obviously my separation from Kateri when I was 13, but why did that lead to complete and utter depression? Why then? What happened? I want to solve the mysteries of my own sickness.
I am so tired of living in the past. I am working so hard for the future, for the classes I'll need. Dr. Kenoyer said he'll get me into the classes I need!!! Hurrray! Seriously, I love that grumpy old gaywad, despite his being a grumpy old gaywad. Now I just need to find an apartment I guess!
i fight fire with words
words are hotter than flame
words are wetter than water
Wednesday, September 19, 2001
11:00 p.m.
When I was a kid, I used to read Beatrix Potter books. I always liked Tom Kitten and his sisters. I didn't like the rabbit ones. My favorites were Tom Kitten, The Tale of Samuel Whiskers, The Tale of Two Bad Mice, Jeremy Fisher, and Jemina Puddleduck. I also adored all the Brambly Hedge books, Goodnight Moon, and The Little Fur Family.
Enough about that. I applied for some scholarships today and sent out some request letters. finished a letter to Sara D. and another to Allison. I also vacuumed and washed all the bedding.
Jessica is on the couch being highly frustrated with her anthro studying. She has two tests tomorrow, poor thing. I'm sure she'll do brilliantly on them though. One of my secret worries is that Jess will become brill at anthro and I'll just be weird monkey kid or something. I don't know. I worry too much.
I got a stupid letter from Joe Skeen, one of New Mexico's Representatives, telling me that he doesn't support hate crimes legislation, but that he will remember my opinion if a bill ever makes it to the vote. What an ass. Tammy Baldwin didn't send form letters. She sent nice personal letters thanking me and stuff. Senator Feingold also remembers me and shakes my hand and asks me how my activism is going. New Mexico is run by The Man. It sucks ass.
I really really want to see the movie of The Stand. Jess won't let me because of what happened when I was reading it. Apparently I woke her up claiming that there were wolves howling and shit. Still, I loved that book and I'm dying to see the movie. Nobody has it here.
Well, I have to feed my kitty mice now.
You know I'm a super girl
Yes I'm a super girl
Wednesday, September 19, 2001
12:39 p.m.
I have this anger problem. I am angry a lot and I don't usually express it. In fact, I never express it the way I should. Sometimes it comes to the surface and bubbles a little, but hardly anyone has any idea of how angry I actually am. I'm not angry about anything in particular, just livid in general. I'm not allowed to be medicated for it until I kill someone I guess.
Greta is doing much better. I let her out of her carrier early this morning and she slept in the small of my back. Jonah and Lola curled up at the bend of my knees. Henry hates me or something and slept on top of the carrier. Then, when I woke up, everyone looked at me and came and sat on me and purred. It's hard not having Jessica in bed.
I'm dead bored right now and considering feeding the kittens wet, but they dont' deserve it and I can't afford it. It's horrible looking at a full case of wet and knowing it'll bite it in 6 days. My nose hurts a lot and I have a very sore throat. I keep coughing all over the place. It's not very attractive. Then again, I was never very good at pulling off attractiveness.
L'Shana Tova! Happy New Year!!!
Tuesday, September 18, 2001
06:38 p.m.
Well, as of yesterday, it's 5762. Another year. So far, it's a wonderful superb New Year. My mom seems to have felt sorry for me spending the holidays alone so she came by today to spend some time with me. We went and got the lumber and hinges and stuff for the kitten pen. We also went to get computer stuff and kitten food and litter. I got a Cat Fancy magazine as a treat.
The kittens are great. Greta had an accident the other day but she's recovered beautifully.
There is little to no other news.
we are all polylingual
just some of us pretend
that there's virtue in relying and not trying to understand
Saturday, September 15, 2001
01:29 a.m.
My right breast is pulsating painfully. My breasts act weird from time to time. I'm terrified that I have breast cancer but none of my doctors ever agrees. Melinda did this huge thing on mammograms once and it looked incredibly painful. More painful that the breast pains that I'm having. It's a toss-up. But then again... breasts hurt sometimes, it's normal I guess. When they were growing, I had those little bud things and I was horrified that I had tumors. I can never decide if I like my breasts. They're kind of large and I hate my nipples.
Once Julia Skloot wrote a fucking AMAZING story about the morning after an abortion for Tapestry- West High's literary magazine. I always wished that I had been the one to write it. I had 2 shit poems and another one about lying published that year. Maria picked it up for me, which was really sweet of her. Especially since I'd forced to her to print and submit something like 50 pages of my own shitty poetry. Enough about Tapestry. I never met Julia Skloot, only her mother. I don't remember anything else about Tapestry that year, but Jamie or his weird brother wrote some creepy sci-fi piece.
Mel says she wrote me a letter. I love Mel's letters... they're very... um.. succint? Yeah, succint. They used to come in mass quantities. I have this vague feeling that if I replied in mass quantities, as was my former habit, the mass quantities might also begin arriving in my own mailbox. One never knows.
I kind of miss this one girl. Jamian somethingy-something. From my affinity group. She was fun... and we had the same taste in women. Or woman. Daniella, from Smith. Daniella from Smith carried off a Chelsea better than anyone I have ever seen. Someday, I will find Daniella from Smith and take a photo of her.
Maybe Ariel or that girl who is really into being black and thinks I should knows her.
uh-oh
Thursday, September 13, 2001
11:33 p.m.
oh my god! melanie has topless pics of me! i sent them to her like... 2 zillion years ago and forgot about them promptly. how horrid. i'm nekkid!
she says forget what you have to do
pretend there's nothing outside this room
Thursday, September 13, 2001
10:34 p.m.
I really really want to go home. I'm really excited about returning to Madison, which is what I think I will do. I got my DARS today and I'm missing some weird ass credits. According to DARS, the majority of my credits are in French. I have something like 40 credits of French and 30 or so of anthro and several assorted ones. I need 1 credit of science. 1 credit! Out of 12... I have 11. I need a Com B cos I'm an ass and keep getting L credits instead Com B credits. I cannot wait to get back into Anthro again. I should e-mail Maggie and tell her it's imperative that I got Topics in Archaeology, Emergence of Civilisation, and a 490. Oh my lord I love 490s!!!
My financial situation has become completely and totally desolately desperate. I am reduced to writing to companies begging for money. I have no idea how in the fuck I will survive the next several months, nor where I will keep my kittens.
Yah is fast asleep in a ball of orange catness on the sofa and my four babies are asleep in our bedroom. The bed is so lonely without my baby. Last night we had more mindblowing sex. I'm being Cosmo girl again... We stayed up late last night talking about our early experiences/thoughts on sex. I love that girl, I really do. It's crazy, the capacity my mind has to open up and give my heart to someone. I adore Jessica, I love her so completely. I've never felt this way before.
Oh please hair... do grow long! I keep seeing pictures of me in Ukraine. My only real feature of any beauty is my hair and now it's all short and shite. Oh well. I want it to be long and flowy, the way it is when it's... well, long and flowy. I miss having something to be vain about. My newest endeavor is to stop biting my nails. So far, I've been an angel today.
I'm worried about Bush and Co.'s reaction to the nation's recent tragedies. I need to get in contact with the other members of my affinity group and see what's up. I'm eagerly awaiting comments from Ani DiFranco and Ralph Nader. Despite what anyone says about either one, I am still an adoring acolyte. I also want to her the Dalai Lama's reaction.
I got free tickets to Beth Albert's High Holy Day services. I'm really really excited. I am going to force Jessica to take me to buy some yeast so I can make challah. I'm also going to make apples and honey and light Shabbat candles. Both Marian and Jessica are older, but I highly doubt either of them knows how. :)
Here are the courses I want: a 490, archaeo, ancient civ, and a physical science like physics.
Tuesday, September 11, 2001
07:10 p.m.
Hashem Ro'i
Hashem Ro'i
Hashem Ro'i
Lo ekhsar
Hashem Ro'i
Ve shavti be'veit Hashem
Ve shavti be'veit Hashem
Ve shavti be'veit Hashem
le orekh yamim
amen.
get a firm grip girl
before you let go
Tuesday, September 11, 2001
01:26 p.m.
The World Trade Center is gone. The Pentagon is on fire. Everything is crazy. There are Palestinians running around throwing joyous parties over the destruction. I don't know what to say, what to think. I went to the neighbors and watched TV but it was too intense so I came home.
Nanny is furiously attempting to reach Auntie Nina so that she can figure out if Uncle Joel is safe.
Pray for those we have lost, and those who are left behind. Amen.
just don't leave it on dear
when you leave the house
Tuesday, September 11, 2001
12:07 a.m.
I always get Mark's mom's first phone message from Rent stuck in my head. Always. Lately I sing random lyrics to Jessica. I wonder if it bothers her? Probably, but she's too nice to say anything I suppose. My whole body is tired, especially my upper back and my eyes. I've been getting horrible headaches over the past few days. I'm giving it two more days and then I'm off to IHS. I don't know how, but if they continue, I'll have to go. Then there's the whole mess of finding a new psychiatrist. My mom wants me to see Kathy Manygoats but I need someone who can prescribe.
N'nai Yeba had a mild heart attack so Jess and I visited him in the hospital. We brought a "naturally-colored" bear and a card. I finally met my niece, Brandi Renaye. She's really cute, she runs around already. I guess she's a year old now. It's so odd... one summer Brenda and I were playing in the pool in Aspen, the next she was pregnant, and this summer she has a one-year old baby. My life hasn't changed much. That summer in Aspen, I had some celluloid stationery that I wrote a letter to Dorothy on. I also wrote to Erin, I remember, because she loved the strawberry stamps.
Jessica appeared a bit after 4:30 this afternoon. I was totally showered, shaved, and with washed hair. I was wearing Jessica's blue skirt and the pale blue camisole with the velvet trim... I love skirts. Ugh, anyway, I was on the floor, cleaning up the latest of Henry's accidents when my baby appeared with a single red rose and a card. My days can be awful and then all of a sudden, they'll be so shiny and wonderful, when she comes home. We kissed and I put the rose into a vase- the same vase I bought for Jess with the irises on our 1-month anniversary. I adore her... Anyway, stuff led to stuff and I ended up being blissfully laid down onto the bed... I do reveal far too much on this page. Anyway... the evening was heavenly... I love being kissed, I adore being kissed.
Oh my God, I'm turning into one of those women who writes into Cosmo with the most romantic thing their husband has ever done. I don't care, I have the most wonderful girl in the entire world.
but i can envision
the mediocrity
of my finest hour
Monday, September 10, 2001
12:03 p.m.
September already. It's beginning to be cold at night, the mornings, the evenings. I wear socks to bed and treasure Greta curled about my feet.
It's not noon and I've already written to Dr. Hyland, Mercile, and Dr. Troxel. Dr. Troxel, my Jewish Studies professor, finally gave me a grade. I have a B. I've never before been thrilled to have a B. I'm happy, the course is over, is behind me. Ah, Jewish Studies. I know I will continue with it when I return to school. I'm eagerly awaiting the publication of the Spring 2002 (2002!!!) course catalogue. I need to write to Maggie and request that I be put in the VIP list for my 490 seminar. If there's one thing that pisses me the fuck off- it's non-anthro majors who eat up the 12 precious spots. Then, I'll get my Kenoyer courses and hopefully, a Schroeder. Sissel Schroeder is an absolute darling.
I spoke to Shaun and told him about baby. He was mildly shocked. It went well. I faced him, told him politely and (hopefully) articulately, what I think of him. I told him that you may never contact me. I also told him that I will not pursue prosecution but that if anything happens in the future, I will testify very strongly against him. He's gone, he's just a fucked-up memory that I don't give a shit about.
Jessie has been e-mailing with me, it's nice. Reconnection with the past I suppose. Speaking of the past, Erica has appeared! We were close friends as kids... called ourselves "sisters." Well, she's here in Albuquerque and we might get together. I don't know, it'll be weird. We haven't spoken in years. She's from Zuni, very wonderful and traditional. I miss her.
Well, I should look at my FastWeb results and make myself a kosher hotdog.