if you're worried in your heart no one is loving you
i can tell you now angel
i'll cover you
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
07:13 a.m.

Sometimes, I go into a reading knowing that I will not understand it. Right now, in my anthro class, we're reading Levi-Strauss. I've been told not to be upset if I don't understand a thing he says; this is absolutely normal. People aren't meant to understand what he's saying. Still, I refuse to admit defeat, even if it means reading by my computer and horrors! doing something I've never had to do before- checking the definitions of words in the dictionary. So, I've learned three new words this morning: phonemes, morphemes, and sememes. Oh academia! Why must you be so pretentious?

Last night I fell asleep almost immediately upon return from a staff training and debrief. This is why I am now awake at 7:16am. I've been waking earlier and earlier. Today it is foggy and everything is very still. No one is outside running around yet. The leaves are all plastered to the ground and the tree by my window already has a bare branch.

David came by Sunday night to watch Saved. It was hilarious. David is wonderful to snuggle on my tiny couch. He also watches more movies that anyone else I know. Based on his description, I feel compelled to share that no one in their right mind should ever rent Hustler White. I was so horrified by David's summary of the film that I had to run out of the room. (Okay, so I had to pee really badly anyway, but it was deliciously melodramatic.)

I had lunch with Phil (not my brother) yesterday. Why is it so easy to talk to him? His partner, Dora, was at the staff training. She held me in the hallway when I cried. I would love them as parents. They are wonderful at what they do. Phil is perfectly silly and serious; Dora is loving.

Today I am going home with my mentor to do my laundry and play with the dogs. I'll also get to sleep in the gigantic bed that swallows me in its hugeness. Splendid.

i got no way to show you you're not alone
Sunday, October 10, 2004
08:10 p.m.

I just finished The Empty Mirror, a book assigned for my Asian Religion class. It's the autobiography of a Dutch man who spends two years in Japan living in a Zen monastery. It's a nice break to read a novel; they go much faster and more simply than history books (which I love as well).

This morning, I went to the closing breakfast for the American Multicultural Student Leadership Conference (AMSLC) in the Great Hall. Ryan and Laura came with me. Laura was dressed up for church, which she missed due to the length of the event. I received the Changemaker Award for social justice work on campus. It was nice, I got a stole, certificate, and $100 from American Family Insurance (Ryan and I could hear the jingle in our heads). It was nice, sitting at the table with them.

I have a family here at Madison. Here at CRC, I have Jen and Laura and Ryan. I don't see Ayodeji as much, but he is part of it as well. There's David, whom I love like a brother, and Sarah, who pulls all my secrets out of my head like a magnet without any intentions to do so. Of course, I have all my old friends whom I love just as well.

Things are difficult and I am constantly trying to make my mind think new things. I love to see the things in the world and write what I can in my journal. I am as self-centered as always, but I am more conscious of how the things I do affect me. In The Empty Mirror, there's a story of how a woman fills her room with mirrors, all around the walls. She learns that everything she does is reflected all around her, that the things and people in her life react to what she does. I yelled at Laura today, let fly from my mouth a phrase she doesn't care for. Both of us had to get up and walk around a bit separately before sitting down again. It startled me. I try not to be so reactionary/ spontaneous.

This week will be a longish one, though I won't have any exams. David is coming over at nine to watch Saved. I also saw Jamie today; she received the Changemaker Award as well. It was wonderful to see her, to hug her close and walk back to Barnard with her in the sun. I missed her, more than I knew.

I have two bottles of orange juice tonight. Strange how I hated it for twenty years and now find it quite nice.

i'm in the archipelago
and i am waiting to arrive
Sunday, October 10, 2004
08:12 a.m.

It's Sunday morning. It's not that early, but relative to everyone else on my floor, I'm up early. David is asleep, scrunched into my tiny couch. I feel bad that I forced him to spend the night, even if he did dare me to eat a packet of ketchup last night. I had three of my favorite men over last night.

David is beautiful. I like to watch him sleep, so that I can see him resting. He is one of the most generous and loving people I've ever met. He may be the most generous and loving. I love his laughter, the way it bubbles over and runs out into the room. I love our ability to be frank with each other about our lives. I love how David takes care of me in the smallest ways, like bringing me gourmet orange juice and listening to me prattle on about the same things over and again. I am blessed to have such a wonderful friend in my life.

I admit to wanting to be beautiful. Advertising does affect me. I do want to be thinner, though I am healthy just now. I want another pair of glasses, so that I can look more sophisticated. I want a specific bag to tote my things around. This concerns me, but it doesn't concern me enough to quell my wants.

Frequently, I forget to laugh. This weekend has been full of laughter. I played Taboo yesterday with Laura and Ryan and we laughed. I laughed last night with David, Ryan, and Eric when we shared our most mortifying moments.

This journal is getting entirely too mushy. I've got to go read a bit more of "The Empty Mirror" before I meet Ryan and Laura for breakfast.

going once, going twice
sold to the girl who ignored all the other prices
Wednesday, October 6, 2004
10:39 a.m.

I have an exam in a few hours, but I've reached my maximum studying capacity so I'm taking a short break to update. It's supposed to get up to 70 degrees today, which would be stellar- it's been in the 30s and 40s lately. I love autumn; it's winter I loathe. I love the crispy air and crispy leaves. I love apple cider with cinnamon sticks at Espresso Royale. I love wearing warm scarves. I love the dark blue of the lake contrasting with the red-orange-yellow of the trees. Autumn is fabulous.

It's been a tumultuous week already and it's only Wednesday morning. I had an exam on Monday in Women's Studies. It wasn't hard at all, though I've been told Jane cheated by looking at her own vulva during the test. What does that tell us about how often Jane looks at women? Right. ;) I also went to the eye doctor, had an eye exam, and got a new prescription.

My eye doctor got his degree in 1958. He's old. He's been practicing eye doctorness since before my mom was born. He also has an addiction to listerine; every time he comes close to me, the minty fresh smell overwhelms our general vicinity. I love the eye doctor's because his assistant is hysterical. I've never in my life met any one else so enthusiastic about their job. I am not exaggerating. This woman is thrilled to be helping Madisonians get their glasses. She always remembers me, which frames I like, and what I do in school and life. I love it. Last week, she saved a pink Kate Spade box for me because she knew I'd like it. I highly recommend Dr. Schanel's office on State Street. They won't let you down.

Okay. Now, I shall answer Sara's incredibly trite questions. Obviously, Sara knows all there is to know about me if she's stooped to the level of Mr. Fake Bush Man. Here goes:

Questions from Sara

1) do you miss mr. fake bush man?
Actually, no I don't. I never think about him unless you bring him up. For those of you who do not know, Mr. Fake Bush Man was an individual who participated in a debate during the 2000 Presidential Campaign. The event had 3 students representing each candidate; Mr. Fake Bush Man represented Bush. Anyway, Sara and I went to said event and were duly unimpressed by Mr. Fake Bush Man. However, we kept running into him everywhere. Somehow, this spawned a running joke that one of us would eventually marry him.

2) If you had to have babies with one politician, local or otherwise, who would it be?
Totally the Governor of Nambé Pueblo, Tom Talache. The man is hot (and Pueblo). He's only 35 and I think he's chill. The man started a breakdancing group, the Rez Crew, for Nambé kids and now they perform together all over New Mexico. The idea of a gorgeous Pueblo man who is comfortable enough to breakdance with a bunch of 10-year-olds is unbearably attractive.

3) seriously, it'd be mr fake bush man, right? you were SO OBVIOUSLY in lust.
Okay, to be honest, I wasn't in lust. However, this suggestion did spark some interest. It might be kind of hott to do stodgy Republican Mr. Fake Bush Man up the ass with a strap-on. However, it's only hott in theory, as Mr. Fake Bush Man was pretty gross looking, probably had backne, is anti-choice, and actually spends his time supporting George W. Bush.

Back to a serious note. I had lunch yesterday with one of the RLCs, followed by two tear-filled conversations with two other RLCs. I love the people at my job. Okay, let's backtrack. I love about 10 people at my job. Still, when it comes down to it, they're fabulous and they totally make my job even better than it is. I'm such a dorkball, but I don't care.

everyone's in a hurry here in purgatory
except for me
i'm where i need to be
Monday, October 4, 2004
09:01 p.m.

I haven't written here for a while; I've been busy with school, my job, and a plethora of applications. I'm attempting to plot some kind of chart for my future, but I'm not entirely sure what I want and why I do/don't like particular options. At any rate, I am now procrastinating so it's a great evening to start off on the questions y'all asked me. Here goes.

Questions from David

1) how have you been able to merge your spiritual self with your queer self?
I am a confirmed mass-going member of the Catholic Church. I love the comfort mass gives me, I love the warmth of the Eucharist in my body, and the feeling of joy in singing with the rest of the congregation. I love praying the rosary and my faith in God's protection of all people in the world. I don't love that my church is adamantly sexist and homophobic. I don't love that it was the Catholic Church that led to the extermination of my ancestors. I don't love that our woman chaplain is no longer allowed to give the homily during mass. My spiritual self? I love God and though I use the word He and call Him Father, I don't believe that God has a gender. My spirituality is strong and doesn't have too much to do with my queerness. It is my commitment to organized religion that is tenuous.

2) do you think identity politics will ever get any easier for progressive organizers, why or why not?
I don't know. I can't claim to know what about identity politics is hard for others, only for myself. I find identity politics difficult because they are so close to my being, my identity (oh shock!). I hope that over time, reproductive rights, queer civil rights, and Indian rights (and the struggles of all oppressed peoples) will become an essential and valued part of society. Until then, and even then, I think we will always struggle to fight for the validity of our own lives.

3) Now my selfish question...what is the one thing you wish I would change about myself for the better?
Dearest David, I adore your Davidity the way it is. I love your chortling laughter, your commitment to ending systematic oppression, and the way you love your friends so completely. I love seeing you wrapped up for the cold, with the tip of your nose all pink. I love the way I feel comfortable talking to you about my insecurities about my identity. I appreciate and love your compassion. If I could change one thing about you for the better, it would be that you appreciated yourself as much as I do.

Questions from Eric

1) What do you hope to be doing at age 30?
At age 30? I hope to be mothering and living in New Mexico. I hope for a small adobe house with blue window and door frames, hardwood floors, and a hummingbird feeder outside the kitchen window. I hope for a child I'll sing and read to, and hold in my arms as s/he sleeps, so I can breathe in their baby smell. I hope for a cat that looks at me cynically from its place sprawled on the sunlit floor. Sometimes this dream includes a partner, sometimes not. I don't know what happens between now and then, but I know I want to be a mother.

2) Being Indian, Jewish, and now Catholic, what influences have each brought to your current overall spiritual beliefs, and how would you describe those beliefs?
This is a loaded question. I don't identity as Jewish, but Judaism was the first faith that I felt comfortable with. Judaism gave me the roots of my faith in one God and the desire to search for a truth that is right for me. Being Indian gives me a beautiful awareness of my history and love for my homeland and my community. I believe in a God who loves and nurtures peoples' desire for a home and who belives that all people have a right to one. Catholicism gives me a framework for my faith. It gives me ritual, it gives me the Virgin Mary, the blessed Kateri Tekawitha, and a place to go when I wish to pray. It gives me the rosary, which soothes my anxieties, and daily prayer for the gifts of God.

3.) When is the last time you remembered that you were invaluable and special to others and the world around you?
Lordisa, why this question? About a minute ago, when my friend Jane thanked me for reviewing for our Women's Studies exam today. This is cheesy and so greeting-cardly, but I am blessed to have people in my life who let me know they care for me everyday. It's not always verbal, but I feel everyday that I am loved.

So, there are my answers to the first two sets of questions, I'll get to Sara's when I next update.