not piece by piece, but like a whole bucket of stars
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
03:19 p.m.

I am starting to realize that I tolerate racist behavior from my friends because I am afraid of conflict, especially when said friends are "actively working on anti-racism." I talked to Fatima about this last night. My friend says things to me that make me uncomfortable but I don't feel like having complex discussions about it. This particular friend doesn't like to take criticism at all and she gets really defensive and tries to justify why she says and does these things. However, I spend a lot of time with her and enjoy her company and I don't want to introduce any tension between us.

The Choice USA thing this weekend was fabulous. We visited an abortion clinic, the Hope Clinic, and got to see that for which we are fighting. I learned a lot this weekend and met some really amazing women. I'm now planning on doing a Choice USA internship this summer.

I have been rethinking being queer. I am queer, but is it ultimately what is best for me, my family, and my community? I have a lot of questions that I thought I'd resolved years ago. This is coupled with my exploration of the Catholic faith, which I play off as a joke but is actually quite serious.

This is a time of confusion for me, which I don't like to admit because I like to think of myself as having become a more "together" individual.

on the window sill of the 31st story
Thursday, October 23, 2003
05:31 p.m.

ASM Student Council begins in half an hour. I am still at work in the LGBTCC, so I need to go upstairs. Pitas has had some kind of server crash so all my previous October updates and my links to Pinky and Jesse are no longer up. I'll fix that later.

My resolution in support of A.B. 357, the anti-racist mascot legislation, is up in Council today. Wish me luck.

Lift up your heads, O you gates; be lifted up, you ancient doors (Psalm 24)
Thursday, October 23, 2003
01:41 a.m.

I must say that I do enjoy Carmen. I love classical music, it reminds me of the times in my childhood when things make sense. I like the themes and the variations on themes. The PowerBook has iTunes, which allows me to access the mp3 libraries of all other iTunes users in Liz Waters; I have been listening to other women's playlists. Tchaikovsky in particular makes my feet yearn for my pointe shoes (lovingly stowed away in Dr. Hyland's basement) and my muscles nostalgic for the glorious feeling of dancing. I often regret that I stopped dancing, I loved the careful physical study of making very precise movement look natural. Of course, ballet also created a regimen which proved highly detrimental to my physical and emotional heath and ultimately, stopping was the best decision. But oh! the music stirs something not only in my body, but in my soul.

I also adore academia. As I meticulously analyze the Pauline epistles, I am comforted. I enjoy my academic pursuits because they make sense in a period of my life when nothing else seems to be easily defined. There is something particularly intense in the study of biblical texts; I feel a bond with the scholars of old. I don't think I could handle a monastic lifestyle, but I often yearn for the ability to devote oneself to something so complex. In mass on Sunday, I pondered a life devoted to the study of biblical texts; this is only financially feasible if I were to enter a convent or seminary, neither of which is particularly accessible or appropriate for a hypersexual, queer, avidly pro-choice woman.

I am grateful for the way things are falling neatly into place. I am becoming happy with my life. I enjoy my conversations with Fatima; it is refreshing to talk to an intelligent and sensitive woman with similar ideals. She makes me appreciate the mundane while still remembering the importance of the pursuit of social justice. At a time in my life when I am feeling the futility of my activism, Fatima's presence reminds me of its importance. She understands cultural obligation in a way that the majority of my friends do not.

Speaking of cultural obligation- my Rites of Acceptance into the Catholic Church are in 11 days. I have been attempting to disentagle the complexity of my own faith, only to arrive at the conclusion that I must take my spirituality at face value. I do not need to deconstruct every element of religion; it is perfectly acceptable to live my faith without excessive examination. If I understand my relationship to God, does it matter what those around me think?

On a lighter note, I have been trying to wean myself from "like," a word which flavors my speech a bit too strongly. Unfortunately, I have noticed that my speech patterns are beginning to construct themselves in the style of Joe Hiegel. What to do?

As it were, I should not even be pondering such things, but rather throwing myself into Paul a bit more as I will be examined tomorrow.