Kissy Star-Cowboy

gimme a house, gimme a room
gimme a private party or two
Saturday, October 27, 2001
06:41 p.m.

My brother and sister are yelling at each other. I think it's over their movies. My mom will only rent two movies, despite there being three of us. It's really weird. So we got Josie and the Pussycats and The Mummy Returns.

I really miss Sara. We're chatting right now, it's nice. I'm excited about seeing her and Angela when I get back to school. I really love how I'm meeting new people like Julie and Jesse Blue and that little lesbian, but I also still miss my old friends. I want to meet more people on campus and find a job and stuff cos I hate how I've been such a shut-in.

My room is such a fucking mess. It's the only room in our house without a closet so I'm not sure how to deal with that. My mom was really cool about giving me felt tabs for the furniture so it doesn't damange the floor, and plastic-tak for my posters and stuff.

My brother is standing right next to me explaining all this Smackdown crap. I hate WWF and he knows that, but he seems to think that I love it. He keeps telling me all about it. It's soooo boring.

But no Butchies tonight, that's kind of interesting.

Thursday, October 25, 2001
04:34 p.m.

so n'nai yeba and i just built the cat pen. it's so awesome!! seriously, i'm really proud of myself, i love building things and working with tools, especially power tools. i want a snap-on tool set for the holidays.

i love jessica, i really really do. i'm a big dork.

i think it's perfectly clear
Tuesday, October 23, 2001
01:59 p.m.

i don't update this much anymore and it's not really all that interesting when i do. my feet are kinda cold and i don't have much to say. i have a raelly bad micraine. it's bad enough that i don't think i can make it walking to the clinic, which is only a 5 minute walk away.

i am such a lazy ass. i hate my headaches.

tonight i think i'm going to write a bunch of letters, especially since i promised i'd write jess one on the burlesque peacock stuff.

i miss julie. i wish she'd come home. things are more exciting and mobile when she's around.

i love dorm julie, she rocks socks.

the ground is not so soft, it's not so soft
Sunday, October 21, 2001
06:22 p.m.

we're working on dinner. everyone has put contributions on the table but we have not yet arrived at a decision regarding the dinner. oy oy oy! we are poor but we're still together as a family. today cammy was adopted by a wonderful family.

apparently my cat pen has been builty by my cousin Joey. I'm going to write him a long thank you card tonight. God bless Joseph Ike. my kitties and i will move to my mom's. my mom is being really really mean lately. i have to be stronger about this, i need to be the daughter she wants me to be.

i love the pontani sisters, seriously!

silent all these years
Friday, October 19, 2001
12:56 p.m.

today i'm at jessica's dorm, having slept here last night. i am quite sleepy as i didn't go to bed until 3 and i woke up when jess did and couldn't fall back asleep. i think my lorazepam dosage needs to be upped cos i'm having problems staying asleep. i guess i'll talk to dr. hernandez about it on the first.

last night i talked to julie for hours, about our assaults and how we feel about them. it helped so much, to talk to another survivor. julie is incredible, i'm so glad to have found someone i can talk to about tori and krs artists and stuff. she's awesome.

jessica and i have been working to beat tomb raider I. we are finally in the last few stages of Level 5: Saint Francis' Folly, which we've been stuck on for months. hopefully we'll beat it soon. i'm excited and we still have 4 more tomb raider games after this one.

i really don't like the maintenance crew's walkie talkies. they're really loud and they kind of scare me.

silent all these years
Friday, October 19, 2001
12:56 p.m.

today i'm at jessica's dorm, having slept here last night. i am quite sleepy as i didn't go to bed until 3 and i woke up when jess did and couldn't fall back asleep. i think my lorazepam dosage needs to be upped cos i'm having problems staying asleep. i guess i'll talk to dr. hernandez about it on the first.

last night i talked to julie for hours, about our assaults and how we feel about them. it helped so much, to talk to another survivor. julie is incredible, i'm so glad to have found someone i can talk to about tori and krs artists and stuff. she's awesome.

jessica and i have been working to beat tomb raider I. we are finally in the last few stages of Level 5: Saint Francis' Folly, which we've been stuck on for months. hopefully we'll beat it soon. i'm excited and we still have 4 more tomb raider games after this one.

i really don't like the maintenance crew's walkie talkies. they're really loud and they kind of scare me.

she says my ass hurts when i sit down
Tuesday, October 16, 2001
12:27 a.m.

so, i'm doing a 1 woman protest of the butchies. they suck. musically, politically, they just do. anyway, i'm a little nervous cos it's my first time organizing and carrying off a protest completely by myself, but i know i can do it and it's really really important to me. i hate MWMF's policy and think it's full of bunk.

i'm staying at j's dorm tonight cos tomorrow is my big doctor's appointment. whoo. my latest pelvic exam and he's going to check on my lungs. they're inflamed and dr. sunde's pretty concerned about them. hopefully he'll give me a new inhaler cos the old one is running down. and i need him to prescribe an aerochamber, NOT a microchamber.

i'm reading this book, a kaddish, called The Tale of the Ring. The subject matter is really interesting but all the names are Polish and full of Ws that I'm not sure how to pronounce. I think you pronounce them as v but I'm not totally sure. Anyway, the plot is pretty overworked but I like it overall. I'm actually reading all the Anne of Green Gables books over again cos they're pretty fun.

Ugh, this is so sad. I was reading Rolling Stone and there was a huge ad for Jews for Jesus. It was about how you can call 1-800-MESSIAH and get a video. They have some Holocaust survivor telling how she found Jesus after Auschwitz cos she figured he must be powerful to give teh Germans so much strength. GAG GAG GAG.

i love jess s. seriously, she gives me so much strength.

the big boys throw their weight around
Saturday, October 13, 2001
11:51 a.m.

i'm scared of the war. i'm scared of anthrax. i don't want to join the army. i'd rather join the israeli defense forces, but they are so biased against palestinians that there's no way i could do that either. i don't want to be a terrorist, cos that's what the israeli army is. a terrorist organization funded by the u.s. govt.

i wish i lived in seattle, had a nice well-paying job at a used bookstore, and an apartment. even an efficiency, but it'd have to take cats. i'd live there, organize books and help people find rare ones all day. i could do my own grocery shopping and make fried mushrooms, vareniki, or pad thai. challah for shabbat, matzo ball soup when i'm sick, cakes just to celebrate my being alive. i'd go to shows sometimes but mostly i'd stay in and read. i'd ride my bike by the water and on weekends, i'd visit kateri and play with my baby sister. maybe if life got really good, by the time i was 28, i'd own the used bookstore and have the finances to have a baby. i just want to live contently. it doesn't have to be luxurious. i don't want a fancy car or a huge stereo. i just want it to be nice, and i wouldn't be hungry.

my pelvic is on tuesday. well, my giant appointment is on tuesday, with dr. sunde. he's very... observant. i'm afraid he'll take away my inhaler for some reason. i love my inhaler, suddenly life is so much easier. i can breathe.

i applied for a rio grande library card online. it should get to the p.o. box in 10 days. the rio grande library doesn't even have fines! i just have to return the mofo books and all will be well.

i am highly impressed by people who sculpt in marble. how in the world do they get it so smooth and the features so delicate?

Wednesday, October 10, 2001
02:49 p.m.

i really really want simcity 3000 unlimited. i really really really want it. i saw it at best buy last night for only 20.00, it's on sale. i sooooo want it. i want it i want it i want it.

i have 9.00. i wish the gods would send me 11.00 miraculously, but they won't because they already sent me 3.00 today, in the form of nickels and dimes at the bottom of the washer when i was doing laundry. i am very grateful for those 3.00, but i still need 11.00.

today is crappy cos i cut my foot open. ow.

half a mile from paris, she looked at me and said
Wednesday, October 10, 2001
01:25 p.m.

i am so broke i could go for lost and move back into the crazy hospital. only the hospital here is really scary and shitty and so not relaxing. besides, i don't really need to be there. but maybe if i were, it would be easier for me to find some doctor to sign my mother fucking mcburney form.

apparently i can't do my FAFSA until i do my taxes. oh jesus lord i am screwed. my mom said she was doing my taxes in april and didn't.... oh no oh no oh no.

i am so stressed and i am so mad cos i am reading the anne of green gables books and jess only has 3 and i need to read the other 5 before i go psychotic.

ARGHHHHHHHHH!

Oh Chenilla!
Sunday, October 7, 2001
07:21 p.m.

I heard from Jessica and the radio that the United States and Britain bombed Kabul today. I think it's horrid- there is no way to bomb without killing civilians and the army is made up of civilians anyway. I pray that this war will not escalate any further. Marian says there is evidence that bin Laden is behind the September 11 attacks. It's still so scary. People are buying America t-shirts at 3/$10 at Walgreen's. Families sit on corners, selling American flags from their pick-up trucks. Is this what patriotism has become?

Over the bridge they go
Saturday, October 6, 2001
04:33 p.m.

I'm sick. Yesterday Marian took me to the doctor and he gave me Zithromax and an Ispir-ease spacer for my inhaler. I have one of Marian's microchambers. I like them and she doesn't, so we are trading cos she likes Ispir-ease. The doctor I saw Dr. Sunde, is the same one who will be giving me my pelvic and asthma exams on the 16th. I'm a little worried about it. I'm afraid he'll find something horribly wrong and I'll have cervical or ovarian cancer.

I miss my dad a lot. I want to go home. I miss my room, I miss Wisconsin. I miss my dog, Bonny. I miss my books. I want to go home so badly. I am going to write him a letter today, maybe he will write back to me. All I want is to go home to my dad, in our family's house, and have my whole family be a family again. I hate the divorce.

Jesus loves the little children!
Thursday, October 4, 2001
06:55 p.m.

I've got "Jesus loves the little children" stuck in my head. It's been stuck in my head allll day. I've been singing it to the dogs but they're not very appreciative. Right now Cammy is at the door howling at something or another. Lee came by and fixed the toilet. Before it was broken in such a manner that one had to fill the tank with water using a large bucket whenever one needed to flush. It was getting to the point where no one used the bathroom until it was an absolute emergency. Who likes hauling water around in a bucket?

I had an absolutely fabulous bath yesterday, I just lounged in the water, it was gorgeous fun. I felt wonderfully clean and I washed my hair with this Australian stuff. I wonder if it cleaned my hair? Marian has a giant tub of it so I thought I would try it instead of using up her Biolage, which looks expensive.

I vacuumed the bedroom today because the kittens were tracking bits of litter all over the floor- YUCK! I also looked through this box that Jess told me about. I didn't find anything I wanted to read, but I found Jessica's 8th grade yearbook, that was pretty cute.

Friends starts in 2 minutes so I have to run for the TV.

Help me if you can I'm feeling down
Tuesday, October 2, 2001
12:15 a.m.

Suck. I tried to quit my pitas but apparently I was the only one who liked that idea. So here is my October pitas, with a shit design that I am not interested in improving.

Now, for an entry:
I went to the Mental Health Center today. My meds are different. I have this stupid OCD complication- I refuse to take generic meds because they bother me. I had to request of the psychiatrist to put on my prescription to only fill my medications with BRAND NAME pills. I hate generics. I have this new psychiatrist- Dr. Hernandez- until January 15. At that point, I will be assigned a new "permanent" one who will be in charge of me for the rest of my life.

While I was in the waiting room, this dirty old man turned to me and said "You don't like a client here. You look normal. What's wrong?" I told him I'm depressed and he said "Lordy! I do believe that!" and then walked away.

I just found out today that my asthma doctor is going to be giving me my next pelvic exam because my regular doctor can't.

Sometimes my cats are so naughty and I am so tired that I don't even want to get up to yank them off the stove. Jessica promised me a backrub but she's at the dorms tonight and Lola won't.

photo by S.E.D.