c'mon and turn turn it up
i wanna turn turn you on
Saturday, November 29, 2003
10:30 p.m.

and maybe some faith would do me good
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
03:44 p.m.

I am dressed up today, red dress, shiny black shoes, silver in my ears. Last night I broke the Fast of my Heart. Today, I run up Bascom Hill, heels clacking, my eyes bright. Things are the way they are supposed to be. I will be home in Isleta in less than a month. Less than a month! I will fill bags with sand and candles, set our luminarias all along the walls of our house. From down the road, you will see the twinkling lights. We will make the four-swirled cookies, ground pecan balls, and Gluwein. I want to go to Chimayo, light a candle, and sit in the calm of the Santuario. Home! It will be soon. This weekend, I dreamt it snowed in Isleta.

Today, Sharon Lee came to visit the LGBT Campus Center. Kevin and I ran to her, eager to recommend books. She checked out both of our recommendations. I gave Sharon one of the first queer books I ever read, Red Azalea, about a girl living in China during the Cultural Revolution. Eliza Johnson recommended it to me. Oh, we little girls! Eliza and I were so young then, listening to Sarah McLachlan and tentatively falling for girls for the first time.

I tend to live in the past. This semester, I have begun to look to the future, to revel in the present. This weekend however, I will turn my head and look at the past. I am planning to have coffee with J. tomorrow. Will we appear changed to each other? Tomorrow, Mer will be here to pick me up at 7:40.

Well, Eric's here. Time for my film debut!

we were climbing walls to tear them down
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
04:04 a.m.

I have no discipline. I don't know how I am going to handle second semester. I need things to be over-structured. I'm going to do the SEED seminar next semester, my usual McNair research, a class on Genres of Religious Writing, a Plan 2008 internship, and I am going to be a Course Assistant for Joe Elder's Intro to LGBT Studies course. Don't ask my why I continually avoid academia, even though the only thing in my life that makes sense right now is biblical scholarship. I love picking apart passages and discovering why things were written.

Life makes me laugh. Today, coat and mittens abandoned in the LGBT Campus Center, I ran down the Union Steps, Casey Kroma in tow, to deliver a handful of mint Hershey's kisses to a passenger on the Badger Bus. A few hours later, Casey and I printed up our parody of the Onion- the Bagel. It's a newspaper about our experience as partners on the TEAM UP assignment. It's full of deliciously funny in-jokes and very Onion-like formatting.

Thanksgiving break begins the day after tomorrow. Mer, John Joseph, someone else, and I will be driving to Minnesota. I will see my ex and spend an evening pretending to amuse George with tales of my undergraduate glory. I want to go to the Har-Mar and take strips of photos. My last trip to the Cities was heavenly, a whirlwind of surprises and sleepy mornings.

In other news, my Sim, Ana Milagro, finally found someone! She married a substitute teacher named Mateo. Together, they have 3 cats- Ilse, Manni, and Milo. They just had a daughter as well, Sabina. I can hear the groans as I get sucked into the Sims again.

I remember when you left in the morning at daybreak
So silent you stole from my bed
To go back to the one who poss
Sunday, November 23, 2003
04:42 a.m.

You know those entries you can't seem to write? That you delete and rewrite? I don't even know what to say, what will convey the exhaustion of my head. I try to guard myself from painful emotions. When I was sixteen and I flew back to Madison from New York, my heart tightened into this awful physical pain. Granted, I did read Hood that day, possibly the most depressing book ever, but the physical manifestations of emotional pain was heavily apparent.

Tonight, I came home in the rain, knees muddy and eyelashes sticky against my cheeks, to a hate message on my machine. Some strange man had the audacity to leave an absolutely vile message on my answering machine. I am not sure what to do with it. Who do I tell? Is there a way to trace incoming calls to housing?

I feel like I am having visceral reactions to everything right now. I need to write a letter to my mother.

i hear your voice softly calling
Thursday, November 20, 2003
02:15 a.m.

Meredith and I worked together today. I listened to Native America Calling, an Indian radio news show, and worked on the events update. Around 2:10, Mer and I scurried up the hill, stomped on Bucky's head, hugged, and ran off to class. Thanks to Mer's reminder, I sat in the back so I could read a book instead of watching the student presentations. I am excited because Dr. Troxel will be away at the Society for Biblical Literature's national conference next week, so we won't have class at all.

Crystal and I fast-a-thonned today. We ate this thing that appeared to be made out of frybread. We were really intrigued. The food was so good; I have an unhealthy liking for potatoes. Crystal likes dates, she says they taste like "nothing." I disagree, I feel they taste like fig newtons. Crystal sat at our table comparing tribal traditions. She's beading a keychain; we discussed the desire to bead things for babies. Seriously, beading is slow work, if I want my kids to dance, I need to start beading now. I also talked to Adriana again about the "Thankstaking" program in Witte. I wrote Kevin an e-mail about it; I'm afraid it was too harsh. I tend to be rather harsh around the 3rd quarter moon.

I got elected to the Multicultural Student Center Advisory Board. I am starting to turn into an administrator; I sit on these committees and we just talk talk talk. I think I do this because I am terrified of mobilizing the masses. I am afraid I would not mobilize enough, or I would send them all in the wrong direction. I would be a much better secretary than organizer.

I am not allowed to talk about politics in this blog anymore. I really like the Harry Potter music. It reminds me of winter, of little snowflakes twinkling on my coat and hair under the street lights, of hot apple cider and warm sweet potato soufflé.

you hang on 'til your hands are good and sore
blistering but you still want more
Monday, November 17, 2003
07:57 p.m.

Last night, I fell asleep around midnight. I woke up at 2:30, stayed up three subsequent hours, and slept until 10:30 or so. Sleeping in shifts appears to work, because I am considerably better rested than usual. Casey Kroma and I gave a workshop on legislation in Cole Hall this evening. We followed seemingly uncomplicated directions, got lost, called for help, only to realize we were standing in front of the building. We actually had five people present, including our mutual intern coordinator. We're presenting the sequel on Monday in Chadbourne Hall.

Brian- I seriously do not understand why you think it's me who is whipped. It's you. Though on second thought, you are capable of getting off the phone with Sara to have a smoke break. Hm. I concede, but not completely- understand?

I am eating chocolate covered halvah (a delicious sesame treat!). It reminds me of when I first moved to Ukraine. I had halvah when I met Anna for the first time, at Andrei Klimishin. It (the halvah had a green tint. I've never seen green halvah outside of Ukraine, but then again they didn't have the chocolate stuff over there. I miss Ukraine at times; I didn't know very many people and spent a lot of time journaling and playing with my kitten, Eponine. I wonder if my isolation there made me the overly loquacious person I am today. Something to ponder.

This has been a really odd semester. I don't feel like myself. I only really feel comfortable in my Paul class or at church. Everywhere else feels like an odd fit, even my room. When I was back in New Mexico, I missed Madison so much, I felt like everything would magically improve when I got back here. Now that I'm here, everything feels a little... off. I discovered this fabulous coping mechanism of throwing myself into political involvement to avoid my own life- instead my own thoughts loom greater than ever. Now, I feel ineffectual and am seriously pondering disappearing from campus involvement and retreating into scholarly pursuits.

Things in my head are confusing right now. Last night, I pondered becoming a nun and was actually frustrated that my previous sexual activity bars me from such a calling. I changed my mind when I decided I wouldn't like the asceticism.

You know life is crazy when you start heavily identifying with Justin Timberlake songs.

who furnish men with love and never leave their sides
Saturday, November 15, 2003
04:08 p.m.

Have I ever mentioned how little school spirit I have? Coming back from Stephanie's house this afternoon, I was inundated by waves of red-garbed plebians. On Bascom Hill, a van painted with Bucky Badger played On Wisconsin out of a loud-speaker mounted on it. Completely coincidentally, I wore red today as well! Gah!

Hey! It's American Indian Heritage Month. Take this quiz to test yr knowledge on famous Indians.

I don't say it i imply it i'm the queen of quiet
what kind of lover am i?
Friday, November 14, 2003
03:25 a.m.

The most sacred things in life are so private. In the night, I look up at the stars, at my ancestors. They are physically so far from me, only occasionally swooping down in the forms of hawks to acknowledge me. I look at old blurred photos of the Pueblos, uncomfortably aware of my privilege as an urban Indian. The things I do, the things I feel would be so foreign to the Old Ones. Would they understand the mundane thrills of the scent of perfume, the taste of legislative victory, or the nods I give to fellow Indians passing me on the street?

I spoke to Aaron Bird Bear today, about babies. He and Marianne are expecting one in April. Aaron has his blue star blanket from when he was born. My pink one is carefully folded in the closet at Mama's. I can already imagine the star blanket for my baby, darkest blue with the whitest stars. My hair will be so long then. I saw Chi'ii Marcelina's hair once, early in the morning before she covered it up. It was long, grey, and holy. It is strange to think that someday, I will, God willing, be someone's great-grandmother.

I am giving three workshops in the next three weeks. True to my nature, I have prepared for none of them, preferring instead to idle away my time and thoughts. I hope no one is expecting anything grand from me.

balmy days, sweet sangria
she's been gone, have you seen her?
Thursday, November 13, 2003
01:42 a.m.

Today has been marked by brutal, all-encompassing exhaustion. I went to work an hour late due to that evil function otherwise known as "sleep" on my alarm clock. Furiously studying whilst nodding off at my computer, I was too tired to fully appreciate Meredith's stories of her hobbit-esque crush at the NGLTF conference. I took an exam on Paul and stumbled home for a nap. But alas! I was too tired to fall asleep.

Of course, I am now wide-awake, having consumed a Chai Bomb from ERC. I finished my regular piece for the Observer- this time an angry Indian rant inspired by Lilian Friedberg's visit. I also polished off a letter of support for the indigenous community at San Diego State University. The idiots there are trying to bring back a racist mascot- and running a referenda not only for the 34,000 students, but the 12,000 members of the alumni foundation and the approximately 1,500 members of the athletic fucking foundation! Lordisa, it never ends.

On a brighter note, my Sims got a cat and my subwoofer and speakers arrived in the mail today. I am sure my neighbors do not appreciate listening to Sleater-Kinney with heavy bass. In response- I do not appreciate vapid girls running up and down the hall declaring their undying love for Hayden Christiansen. Sara also came over to create an unruly family of Sims. Of course, she abandoned me rather swiftly for Brian, who is so whipped he actually drove to my dorm to pick Sara her up.

Here is what I do not like: discourse.
Here is what I do like: Meredith saying, "Discourse- it's like intercourse with a dis."

i don't practice santeria...
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
01:01 a.m.

Tonight involved curry at Sai Bai Thong with Sue, followed by shopping at Hilldale for food, two mugs, and a bowl. I am retreating to her house in Black Earth Friday night until Saturday evening to get away from it all. Plus- free laundry! I like to be out there because the bed is absolutley gi-normous and I can watch satellite TV all night long. Also, I tend to drown myself in pink lemonade, a personal favorite.

I feel like I've been drowned in the mundane for a long time. For so long I allowed myself to fall so easily in lasciviciousness; I lost that wonderful tingly feeling when you crush on someone and they brush up against you. There is something to be said for crushes fulfilled that just isn't there when people immediately hook up. It is the elements of the unknown and the forbidden that provide the tingly feeling, I think.

I, rather unfortunately, have fallen victim to TheSims once again. My couple, Ana Milagro and Sabina, are so cute. Two years ago, I used to stay up all night playing Sims. I must temper myself! This is especially true as I am in three independent studies, requiring a degree of self-discipline not allowed in regular classes.

According to Sara, Justin Timberlake is less sexy when you are getting some regularly.

thanks for the love, for the joy
Saturday, November 8, 2003
09:50 p.m.

My new computer arrived today. It has television on it. I have also installed all of the Sims expansion packs (save the latest) onto it. This is going to be extremely detrimental to my academic success. I have been watching the History Channel non-stop.

Eileen and I went to the Farmer's Market today. It being autumn, there is virtually nothing there save apples, squash, and root vegetables. I am lusting after yellow squash dipped in cornmeal and hot apple cider. Fatima and I had acorn squash curry last week and I want it again, now. I love autumnal foods. Eileen is an autumnal person- she dresses in a lot of deciduous tree colors.

I am listening to Mirah again. I have to import all my music over again. Haven (the old computer) doesn't even turn on so I am doubtful regarding the transfer of the 800 photos on its hard drive. Luckily, I saved all 400 photos form Congress onto a CD. Anyway, Mirah. I love her. I keep going to B-Side in search of you think it's like this but it's really like this, having lost my old copy. However, I must content myself with Advisory Committee until the shop orders in some new copies.

Here is what I like a lot: baked potatoes. Here is what I do not like at all: cilantro.

keep your eyes on the horizon
Friday, November 7, 2003
10:58 p.m.

Tonight was the Wunk Sheek Pow Wow. We were all there, us Indians, as well as Eric, Sara, Brian, Eileen, Kristen, Maryam, and her sister. I wore Lina's pink shawl and danced. I love to dance; I am excited for the Spring Pow Wow, where the circle is much bigger and there are many more dancers.

Lilian Friedberg was also there. She's a "Native American Jew" from Chicago who spoke last night. Casey and I went to see it; Fatima sat by us. I had some critiques- she shouldn't have tried so hard to legitimize herself in the beginning. Also, if she had a point to that talk, she should have made it. She rambled too much. I have a feeling that I would be like her if I were a public speaker; therefore I will attempt to limit the criticism.

It is getting colder. This is my favorite time of year.

if it’s good for you then it’s good for me
Tuesday, November 4, 2003
11:30 p.m.

I have taken to napping. I really like naps. I never really took them until Lilia came along. We used to skip class mid-afternoon to take a nap. I am generally the sort of person who prefers to stay up late and then sleep until mid-afternoon. However- the thing about university- it involves very little sleep and a large amount of doing things that will have very little tangible benefit in my post-BA life. This does not really support my nocturnal style.

I sent Father Randy this e-mail inquiring as to whether Catholicism will require me to stop keeping kosher. I ran into him with Eileen last night at the Union. I am now convinced he knows I'm a big homo and will kick me out of the RCIA program.

Stephanie's roommate had to watch this television program that postulated that Mary Magdalene was the Holy Grail. Though I didn't even see the show, it's starting to kind of make sense. Both Mary and the Holy Grail were whisked off to France. Furthermore, in my Biblical Lit classes, "vessel/chalice" is constantly used as a euphemism for "woman." Something to ponder. No wonder Arthur couldn't find it.

My older brother has completely dropped out of campus activity and devoted himself to his studies. He appears much happier. I am contemplating the same move for the semester. Casey, however, has also gotten very odd since this move. A few weeks ago, he decided that being an Indian was a "one trick pony" and converted to an Afghan freedom fighter. Luckily, this phase passed quickly, though I am concerned something similar might happen to me.

Whomever thought of putting whales in a symphony and broadcasting it over NPR made an already unbearable pledge drive month even more noxious.

something 'bout the open road
Monday, November 3, 2003
12:40 p.m.

The November photo is the church at home in Isleta. I am markedly homesick lately. Mama sent me a package with a new starry blue mant, two loaves of Indian bread, some special things, wax lips, and sugar free chocolate. The semester ends 48 days, then I will be home. I want to do so much, I miss my family. However, I do not miss the stinky sulfur water and the low water pressure. I try to keep this in mind.

I want to do the Washington Internship for Native Students quite a lot. I have this vision of living in DC all summer working on reproductive rights and American Indians. I have also been thinking a lot about my career. I want to do educational reform, I want to make things better for kids at Tribal schools. Do I want to be an administrator? Or do I want to be a teacher? I would love to teach at SFIS or Isleta, or any of the Pueblos. I am thinking of deferring grad school so that I can go teach on the Navajo rez for 2 years through Teach for America.

This weekend, I had my Rite of Acceptance at St. Paul's. It was really intense. Anita Bertram was my sponsor. Afterward, Sue, Tass and I went to Target to get little things like air fresheners and dish soap. I feel a bit more at peace, as though God knew I was having a difficult time. I spoke to Jake for a few hours Saturday night as well, which gave me the peace of mind I needed for the rite.

Now, I just need to sit down and force myself to study for my Paul exam. I feel like my life revolves around him! He's even the patron saint of my church!