Kissy Star-Cowboy

Does anyone really know what time it is?
Does anyone really care?
Saturday, November 24, 2001
11:16 p.m.

So, yesterday I went and saw Harry Potter. It was really good, I liked it. I always imagined Hermione as black though... Elisabeth is one of those irritating people who talks CONSTANTLY throughout the entire movie and has already memorized 1/2 the lines just from the previews. Philip had a lot of complaints. He reminds me of myself at his age- an unhealthy need for verbatim accounts of everything.

Monday is Allison's 20th birthday. It's so... weird. When did we get this old? I know that we aren't old really, but it's odd, remembering back to when we rode the bus together, at thirteen and fourteen, with Ricci Carly. Now Allison's friends with Heather Racine, whom I detested all through high school.

It almost feels like New Year's Day, with so many anniversary type occasions. Allison's birthday is also my "would have been" anniversary with Sarah. With Erin, we celebrated our would-have-beens with more zeal than we had the actual anniversaries. With Sarah, I just want to believe that I learned something from the experience and push the memories out of my life. Then... a year ago Wednesday, I kissed Sara. My life is terribly bizarre.

I adore Jessica, I do, so much. I spend so much time afraid I'll wake up and these past seven months will have been a dream. Every morning, I wake up, curled up against her, and I am so happy. Seriously, she's everything I have ever wanted. I know that sounds so silly and princess charmingish, but it's so true. I feel like I talk about her incessantly, but I know if anyone else were in my position, they would too.

Today's been the Ally McBeal marathon on FX. I'm newly obsessed with it, due to Dorm Julie.

For the past few days, I have been so immensely grateful for Melanie. I love her so much, she is so incredibly important and special to me, I don't know what I'd do without her. So, Mel, if you ever feel lonely- I am always here for you, always waiting for her to show up and have fun or be serious, or just talk about lobsters and yeasty snakes.

She sold me a camera for a song
Monday, November 12, 2001
05:09 a.m.

About two hours ago, I had a burst of energy. Probably due to cough drops or something. I don't know, cold medicine is a great mystery to me. I took a bath and shaved my legs in our freezing cold water. I disregarded my mom's lecture, listened to Julie, and turned the heat to 6. Now I'm doing laundry and slowly putting my room into some sort of order.

I need posters and stuff. If I had $$, I'd go to KRS and get some posters. They always throw in some free ones anyway, as well as stickers. As for money- I needa job really badly. The first $40 I make goes to Leslie for the anti-virus program. Then $60 for Caitlin cos I still haven't paid her back from shipping my things to me. Then I have to pay back my mom about $800 and another $3000 to the UW.

My plan is to go to UNM next semester and transfer to UW-Seattle in the fall. I'll be a husky. I hope. I know there are tons of good colleges up there, and it would be nice to be near Zoe. There's a Sleater-Kinney show in a month, she's going to go to it and get me some souvenirs! I love Zoe. We were at NASON together 5 1/2 years ago. I need to write her a letter.

Ready to go out on Tuesday (no mail tomorrow, Vet's Day) are letters to Sara, Angela, Jessie Rose, and Candy. I still need to tackle a reply to Jenna, write a nice letter to Kateri, write to my grandmother, and write a sucking up letter to my stepmom. However, I want to write to Melanie and Riley. So many letters, so little time.

I love Jessica. She holds me up so well. We talked for a long time tonight. She makes me so happy, I feel so magical when I'm with her. I think I'm going to the clinic tomorrow, so maybe I'll see her. I'm going to try and see if Dom will let me use her meal card cos I haven't eaten since yesterday. Being sick makes me lose my appetite.

Oy, so much laundry. And I need to steal quarters from around the house to buy stamps. I'm such a horrid beastie.

Sunday, November 11, 2001
02:03 a.m.

I miss Tah Baby. She used to come and sleep on my chest. I can't say she was my favorite cos that's mean, but I really miss her. There will never ever be another baby Ta. Today when I was reading, there was a character named Greta and I cried.

She loved chicken n cheese treats. There are still 2 pounds left. Please lord, let her come home.

sleep'n wit' the enemy
Saturday, November 10, 2001
11:00 p.m.

One thing I despise about moving is my complete lack of keeping track of things that i really like. for example- my tori amos anthology and the book that goes with the free to fight CD. Sarah Rides the Greyhound reminds me alternately of Jess S. (cos she's always riding them) and Jo (cos we had sex in one). my dad likes me to ride the greyhound. whenever he's in charge of transporting me somewhere, he manages to figure greyhound into the deal.

you know the illustration of the girl dumping out the bucket of stars on the CD from the Get Up single (sk)?? i love it. i want it as a poster or something. nikki mclure is awesome. i would wear the janet cat shirt even if it had nothing to do with sk.

i'm trying to write letters. i wrote to jessie rose and candy today. tonight it's going to be writing back to jenna (who told me in her last letter that she twisted her back trying to eat herself out!) and kateri (who enclosed two darling pictures of my baby sister). i am so behind in letters... so behind. i owe both sara and angela letters in mass quantities.

i had a weird dream about Pab Benjamin last night... i was at applebee's with jessica and pab was making an ass of herself. it was weird, cos pab would never do that. i firmly believe that pab benjamin despises me. she wrote to me asking met o fix the queer women of color listserve and i told her i'd unsubbed 6 months ago. she didn't write back. so there pab!

EW! for some reason there was a WWF Smackdown! special on instead of buffy tonight.

You've got pollen on yr nose
Saturday, November 3, 2001
10:32 p.m.

I'm supposed to clean my room and store the things I'm not using because I'm horribly messy. My room is a horrid mess, but I didn't intend it to be this way- it's just that I'm very rarely home and when I am, I just change and head out the door again. It's dumb. I'm upset cos I wanted to stay with Jess tonight and sleep in her arms, with her in my arms, us together, but we aren't. My family needed me.

I'm really scared about the amount of knowledge I accumulate about the holocaust. I feel like I should quit reading it, but it's like an addiction. Today in the car, Elisabeth said "Colette, are you Jewish?" I said yes and asked if she was. She said "I don't know." Then Philip said "Mommy? Are we Jewish?" and she said no. My family is so weird.

I love Mirah's song Person Person. Miss Marie was going to make me a tape of her latest CD but I downloaded all the song and I can burn them myself and save her the postage from Canada. I'm still going to make her a mix though. Julie told me the other day how her friend made her a really horrible mix that she didn't like- now I am convinced that no one has liked any of the mixes I've made. I had that fear before, but I'd gotten over it. Allison made Kelly a mix and I couldn't do it cos I was terrified that everyone would find my musical tastes juvenile or boring or both.

I start Seroquel soon. I know I took it before, but I can't remember when or for what. I should keep a journal of all the meds I've had. I really miss Eskalith. I know I ODed on it in a big big way, but I don't know if it worked or not. I spent the whole time saving it up for the big OD and was without anti-depressants for a while. I do really stupid things sometimes. I'm so happy with my Prozac, I really feel a lot better on it.

I have a bunch of letters to write. I guess I should do it as no one's on the IM. I'm so sad, I miss Lola, Ta, and Nanu so much. I keep randomly crying.

Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets
Thursday, November 1, 2001
02:39 p.m.

Last night was Halloween. Jessica and I didn't dress up, and neither did Luka or Dominique. Julie was a cowgirl and Jesse Blue was a mummy. There was a Buffy marathon that I watched most of before becoming so sick of Buffy that I couldn't deal. We also watched the Michael Jackson Halloween Special. Whoo!

Everyone is up in San Felipe today. I stayed home cos I had a psychiatry appointment. It went really well. I feel like I'm really improving and my life is going to turn out well.

Julie drove me to the winery yesterday to pick up my meds and pajamas. She really liked it and took a lot of pictures of me and my sister. We climbed on top of the boxcar and hung out up there. Julie is so much fun! We sang along to Sleater-Kinney the entire way there and back!

I am so tired, I need a nap!