you're a good girl and that's what makes me trust you
Friday, May 30, 2003
09:49 p.m.

Here's what I hate: grapefruit juice. Here's what I hate even more: making a pitcher of cold juice, thinking it's lemonade, taking a sip, and realizing that it's grapefruit juce. I do not approve. Today I picked up my new Kate Spade glasses (they came in a pretty pink box, complete with case and wiping cloth) and lunch for Lilia and went downtown. There were several tornado sirens, of which I also do not approve.

I appreciate front load washers where you can wash your clothing flipping about in the soapy water. Windowed dryers are fun as well.

My Queer in America professor is disturbing. She has a skewed view of the world. I am looking forward to the next professor arriving halfway through next week. We watched The Brandon Teena Story and Boys Don't Cry in class. She referred to Brandon Teena as "she" and "Teena," even after I spoke about why that was inappropriate. After the video screenings, we had a discussion based on her question "why would a girl want to be boy?"

I lost my planner in the move. I have an appointment with Harvey next week; I'm not sure of the date or the time. Shit.

my convex to your concave
Monday, May 26, 2003
10:48 a.m.

Madison is beautiful right now, the light on the lakes is all glinty. Last night we all went to the Marathon for treats and then piled up like puppies on my bed to watch the first part of Spirited Away. Lilia made potatoes and mushrooms for the two of us and Karey and Sarah had popcorn. Sarah and I tried to make a Sim of Karey, but were ultimately defeated My dad visited yesterday, he bought me Chacos and a carload of groceries. He's very enamored with seedless cucumbers. Weird.

I need to make my bed and clean up a little bit. There are Buffy tapes everywhere, falling in great crescendos from their unsteady towers.

i'll let you win, but you must make the endeavor
Sunday, May 25, 2003
12:25 a.m.

Saturday night, home from Michelle's graduation party. It's been a beautiful day. My sister and I spoke on the phone and Karey and I walked to the co-op. We went again later, with Sarah, to get little gifties for Michelle. Flinsch is back in town; somehow Briget managed to permanently set Flinsch's dad's Volvo's passenger seat in recline. There was taco dip at the party; I laughed. Yesterday was gorgeous as well. I had coffee with Angela and went to the bookstore with Sarah. The books for my queer class look really interesting.

I am playing TheSims again for the first time in months, since before I moved down the block to John & Inky's. It's a lazy Memorial Day Weekend, school starts again in 3 days. There are meetings all weekend long so Lilia has been shuttling back and forth. Monday they will end so I'll see more of her, as well as Emily.

I am going to buy a baby basil plant.

then morning came, we're in this together
Thursday, May 22, 2003
05:48 p.m.

These days between school sessions are calm and sleepy. I am running on Indian time. I do what needs to be done when I feel like doing it. I have been reading a lot, attending sporadic meetings and appointments, and eating tomato sandwiches.

I miss my kittens. The light in my bedroom reminds me of 2 summers ago, when Greta would curl up on my belly as I read. I miss their little paws and tiny voices.

I did not make my bed this morning. I sat with Lilia, Pabitra, and Natalia outside, eating food and drinking in the sunlight.

mitakuye oyasin
Monday, May 19, 2003
06:33 p.m.

Guess what? Cultural appropriation is inherently racist. You can't explain it away to me. Last night Lilia and I had a sleepy conversation about misogyny in communities of color. I have a new, horrible consciousness of the racism my so-called friends propogate. One girl in particular is living in a delusional world where she apparently has no privilege. "White guilt" is bullshit.

I went to the co-op this morning in the light rain. I wandered the aisles attempting to avoid paying ridiculous prices for things like milk and potatoes. Lilia started a small fire, I put it out with baking soda. She reminds me of my sister Elisabeth in that they are both overindulgent when it comes to salt.

I keep seeing this girl; she looks much younger than she is. I know her somehow, I have clear memories of seeing her and interacting with her. However, I have no idea where. It bothers me. I don't say hello because I can't place her.

does he write my songs for me?
Friday, May 16, 2003
05:30 p.m.

School is over for now. Of course, summer session begins in less than 2 weeks, but that is beside the point. I stayed with my mentor, Dr. Hyland, this week and came home respendent with two new pairs of shoes, several loads of clean laundry, and a plastic bin of dishes Adrienne and I never bothered to wash. My new sandals are absolutely heavenly and I have found it imperative to inform everyone I meet of the fact.

I am finding that trying to engage white people in intelligent conversation about racism is futile. You know what? Recognize your privilege, that's not my job. Yesterday I got into an argument with my neighbor about my relative lack of straight, white friends. I don't see it as a problem, she does.

I forgot about my camping equipment. I should do something about that.

she was packed, she had a suitcase
Monday, May 12, 2003
01:29 p.m.

All of my exams are now finished. I am through with the semester except for that hideous paper for Prehistoric Europe, which I plan to struggle through tonight and tomorrow. Yesterday, Sarah and I studied at her house (it will be my house too, in a few short days) and she made me curried spinach and garlic. Sarah is like some kind of benevolent creature who brings me gatorade, slices of fruits and vegetables, and sweatshirts and clothing when I am cold. Emily came over after Sarah and I finished and we conversed and pseudo-studied long into the night. I've just finished my last exam and am now preparing myself to encounter Lane, Kelly, and Dr. Schroeder in a tour de force manned solely by myself and Emily.

I am terrified, financially. I need to go drop off resumes at various locations. The prospect of loans is looming ahead.

won't you take me for a walk?
Wednesday, May 7, 2003
02:01 a.m.

I have been at the library since 6:30pm. That's right- nearly 8 hours. Sarah went home a few hours ago. Lilia is having file corruption issues and had to go all the way home in hopes that the original is still on her hard drive. I am babysitting her laptop and awaiting her return. In another 8 hours, I need to be sitting in Dr. Muhammed's office. Then, one final lecture on the origins of agriculture. Afterward, Lane has promised to get show me the videos I missed for Origins of Civilization. Anthropology is all about origins. I want Lilia to get back here faster; I am in dire need of affection.

I haven't had a cigarette in hours.

to your smile, arbitrary?
Monday, May 5, 2003
07:54 p.m.

The weather is grey and rainy; good for studying because I have no desire to be out of doors. I spoke to Harvey today; he is very insightful. He looks really familiar, in a sitcom-sort-of way. I also hung out with Lane for a while; he helped me find sources for my as-yet-unstarted paper.

This weekend, I went to Milwaukee, to Walker's Pint, a lesbian bar. The ladies there are best described as "Midwestern." Saturday was the Mifflin St. Block Party, a seemingly endless sea of drunk, white men. No one died this year, though 26 people went to detox and Briget saw a man fall from a 2nd story balcony. This was followed by the Angelic, where shockingly, I only drank Coke. Yesterday I didn't go out at all, except to study at the library.

I have to go study now. It's becoming imperative.

the # 1 must have is that we are safe
Friday, May 2, 2003
11:53 a.m.

I am about to leave the Social Sciences Reading Room to attend the American Indian/Alaskan Native/Native Hawaiian Advisory Council. I am going to speak about the incident with Dr. Kenoyer. Hopefully, the support of the council will facilitate the incident's resolution. Aaron has already contacted the dean.

Yesterday, the Talking Circle was quite insightful. We spoke about how we, as Native women, do not feel welcome in spaces on campus for people of color. We feel like we are seen as a historical group and not as a current, living one. We spoke about how we feel somehow less than other students of color and out of place in the Red Gym. We spoke about how Native women are subject to the "bossy Indian woman" stereotype and how administration doesn't respond to us, but prefers contact with Native men. Other Native women give me such a strong sense of community, regardless of what Nation of which we are a part.

i'd rather be a ladyman
Thursday, May 1, 2003
04:11 p.m.

It's May 1st, a holiday back at home in San Felipe. It's also International Workers' Day. Back in Khark'v, there were workers' parades and red flags.

I have this lengthly project due for Prehistoric Europe that I haven't really begun. Back during Spring Break, I was convinced I would complete the project in timely fashion, so I checked out all the books I need. However, now it is due in 8 days and I have done nothing since.

Tonight is the final Talking Circle for Angelina's project. I should really read over the transcripts from my interviews to make sure what I said came across clearly. However, reading the transcripts is intensely embarassing. Seeing how many times I say "like" or "um" in a conversation is quite disheartening.