Pictures of me on yr bedroom door!
Thursday, May 31, 2001
01:26 a.m.
Okay, all of my stuff is here at the new apartment! Unfortunately, it's not here in any sort of organized fashion. The dining room table is on top of my bed and I can't lift it so I'm going to sleep on the floor tonight. I am convinced there is a helicopter launchpad directly above me.
Organization is not one of my strong points. At all.
Is Buffy gonna be gone all summer??? Are they gonna start w/ the new season on UPN in the fall? Will this be a Buffyless summer? Horrors!
I love J so much that I think I'm going to fall over or forget how to breathe or soemthing really dumb like that. I don't think I'm smart enough for her. I'm terrified she'll realize I'm really just a big dumbass who spends all her time being a dumbass. yeah.
Things which are wonderful (a list in honor of ruthie)
Monday, May 28, 2001
10:54 a.m.
1. Icelandic jazz after weeks and weeks of riot grrl stuffs.
2. reading Dr. Spock while eating a huge pile of bread and butter.
3. staring at my hands until they don't make sense anymore.
4. these poufy pastries filled with custard at the restaurant down the street from Het Anne Frank Huis in Amsterdam.
5. Lil's stories of the woman who could peel a banana and write postcards with her labia.
6. wearing pajamas and tiger ears to a Primate Behavioral Ecology exam with my stuffed lemur toy on my shoulder.
7. dancing in the yard, in the sun, completely naked.
8. wandering the Seattle U-district with Robin P. and reading newspaper headlines as she bought a cookie and a latte.
9. The silver-painted statue of Gorky in Khark'v- the one that's leaning forward as if to suggest that he were to take off and fly south to the sea.
10. Bern's Menudo hotline story.
11. the gigantic fish in the pond at the zoo in Karlsruhe.
12. Allegra so bored at a science fair that she highlighted every single vowel in the judging handbook.
13. randomly running into Lori after an Ani concert and getting a delicious hug.
14. Black Elvis serenading me and Jamian on a sidewalk in Washington D.C. as we drink horrid tasting ginger beer.
15. The first sight of Gauguin's Whence do we Come? at the MFA in Boston.
16. my green sneakers from 7th grade
v
17. writing surreal stories about hypoxia in Russian.
18. coming home from school and finding a package, all for me, from Eliza, full of Nutella and little surprises.
19. Grand wrestling matches with Tricia after she decided that kissing was sinning.
20. running through the toddler area of the bathrooms at the Field Museum with Ruthie.
He was a handsome musician
but he had an ugly scar
Monday, May 28, 2001
10:33 a.m.
A morning- Memorial Day no less. My mother and Philip are leaving to take the first load of packages to the new apartment. I am happy today, very happy. Slightly odd as I've got some kind of hurt muscles in my neck as well as the fact that I didn't really sleep last night. Still, I am happy, I feel like running around and yelling.
I am listening to Gling Glo and smiling. Last night we didn't leave Albuquerque until at least one in the morning. The drive seemed to take longer than it ever has. I kept imagining that we were going around corners but we hadn't. We took the "long" way home, through Peralta and Bosque Farms.
Ouch! I just smacked my nose into my windowsill! I have temporarily decided that the back of my neck hurts from carrying a 60 pound boy around.
When I lived in Ukraine, I drew. I drew dragons and birds and all sorts of scaly things. I would draw my own hands and meticulously fill them with scales. I drew women who were part-bird. I think I know where those drawings are- in a yellow file in my room at my father's house. I also drew a lot of mosques.
Empty honey bears are marvelous containers.
All I got left to give baby is up
but sentiments like shadows grow so long
Saturday, May 26, 2001
08:56 p.m.
How far would I go to protect my friends? Does it depend on the friend? I wish I could say it didn't, but it does. For example- I would do anything for Sara or Ruthie, but I don't think I would do it in the same way for Bern. I guess on this sort of thing, I move by gut instinct.
As I remember the women in my life, I remember how I myself have evolved into the person I am. I don't think anyone I know would still speak to me if they knew what I have done over the past several years.
Jenna would slap me in the face if she knew how I'd lied to her face- I mean, she hates me enough for telling the truth! I can't face her, I can't stand up to her, so I ignore her. I've severed my ties with her because it's impossible to find any adult way of communicating with her.
I wish that there wasn't so much theory involved with being alive. I wish that I could just be and not think about my motives and reasons for all the things that I think and feel. Maybe if I could spell out the reasons for things, I wouldn't have to write everything down, I would be able to let things go instead of dwelling on them forever.
I have been praying the same prayer since November.
When I think of you
I think my eyes grow wider
Saturday, May 26, 2001
12:52 p.m.
Saturday afternoon. Rudely awakened by my brother, commandeering my TV to watch Pokémon. (bleh) My brother and my mother have gone out, so the two of us girls are home alone. Cecillia is watching Hackers and I'm updating. (duh)
I've been reading The Scarlet Letter. I really like it so far... I can't really say much at this point because I am very sleepy and would really like to go back to bed.
We are moving tomorrow and I'm not ready yet!!!! My sister packed her clothes- they filled 5 boxes. I'm impressed. Her stuff will go into storage. Philip is determined to keep all the little boxes his toy wrestlers came in. ARGH! Still, I'm very excited to be moving.
I want a new computer. I'm going to have to work really hard this summer. What can I do- be an escort? Somehow I don't quite think Jessica would like that! Give plasma?? I have 2, 500 in debts and I need more cash for other stuff like rent and food and school and blah blah blah.
C'est la vie.
I want you to take up all of my time
I want you because you're funny and kind
Friday, May 25, 2001
04:11 a.m.
I miss her tonight. In fact, I've been missing her for the past few days. Jessica, I know this entry will hurt, don't keep reading okay? I am very much in love with you but I can't bottle this up anymore.
At first it was so lonely, those first nights alone in March. April was a little better cos the weather was better. Now, in May, I feel she wants no part of my life. This came up because Jessica was talking about Mariah and it made me think of Sarah.
I was talking to Bern and I told Bern that I love Sarah and will always love Sarah. And Bern knew. But Bern's very perceptive- do other people know? That I just want to run to Sarah and say, please, please, just hold me in your arms and let me cry. Please, please, let's go for a walk and hold hands inside your pocket. Sarah! Can we order chicken fried rice, sesame chicken, and beef lo mein? Can we trade Nields songs over Napster and laugh at Girls in Prison?
I know you're gone and I don't know if I'll ever see you again, but I pray I will. I hope that someday things between will be better and we can be friends. I hope.
I love you.
Little star of the heavens, tiny star above
shiny shiny light, tell me if I've got the LOVE
Thursday, May 24, 2001
05:00 p.m.
I'm listening to Tegan and Sara. Today the wind has been very strong and blew a cup of water off the windowsill- drenching a letter to Viva, bits of my journal, and the remote control. The ants are taking over again though I can't see what they're after. I wonder if Viva likes wrinkly letters??
Jessica and I are fine despite the fact that I wish I could sleep all the time. She had a migraine last night and just stuck it, cos she's tough. Argh! I wish I could have her safe all the time, safe and healthy. She's out with Luka right now and I haven't a clue what they're up to. Luka has set me to write some sort of thing about shellfish, fish, and marine mammals.
The ice cream truck has the worst sound system ever. No one wants to hear its wretched music! It's gone now, thank God.
Viva and I spoke about religion and spirituality last night. I'm really happy that we're talking so often- she's the best! I'm nearly ready to kick her crush's head in for not noticing how wonderful she is. We have more plans for our gunslinger zine and short everyday. Our latest fun thing is when Scrappy talks to me on the IM. Scrappy is so absolutely adorable! I realize that I don't have any cute pictures of Scrappy so I'm going to have to ask for some more.
At some point in the near future, I will have to do something about dinner for my brother and myself. My mom won at the casino last night so we have extra money- YAYYY!
I wish I could be a bit more artistic in the way of drawing. I really wish our new house were being built sooner so that I could paint my room and such.
I dreamed last night that I went to visit Fran and Deb. Fran and I were alone at first and there was this little blond baby crawling about on the floor. Fran said she didn't have any idea where it had come from. She put some towels in a box for it so it could crawl in there and sleep if it wanted. Weird. Then Deb came home and kept wrapping herself in towels and hiding in this weird hole in the wall. Then Deb told me that the roof had blown off my bedroom and I looked and it had.
I'm reading Oedipus Rex. I love Sophocles. The roof of my mouth is rather sore as I have been eating pack after pack of Saltines and they kind of scratch. I am so sick of Saltines that I don't ever want to eat them again. What I do want is graham crackers and apple juice.
Philip was a brat and sold something to his friend Nick for $2 that was worth nothing. Of course, Nick figured out he'd been tricked and demanded his money back. Philip paid him back but then Nick's big brother came out and demanded that Philip give them $10! I"ve a mind to go out there and beat up those boys. It would only embarass Philip though.
Okay, la la la! Time to run away from the ants.
Tell me I'm beautiful
I promise I'll believe you this time
Wednesday, May 23, 2001
08:06 p.m.
I am very hungry, so I am eating Saltines and listening to The Nields. I'm afraid that Jessica is really mad at me. I hope not- I love her so much, so much. I can't articulate it. She'll be home late tonight, so we probaby won't read tonight. We haven't read in a good bit.
I've been doing laundry all day- I'm packing my clothes at the moment. I don't know how I'll get all my crap together and into boxes. I am craving pizza. PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA. am i not a huge dork?
I hope
that you have got all night
cause I'm not done looking yet
Wednesday, May 23, 2001
12:11 a.m.
I love her. I love her so much that I'm losing myself in it. I wish she were here, that her arms were around me, her fingers running through my hair. I want to look up and see her smile.
I talked to Bern until her phone card ran out. Bern is the most awesome person I know. She really understands, it's incredible. I can tell her things that were really hard for me to accept and she'll say "yeah, i know." Today Bern told me she loves me. I love Bern. If I say anything else on this subject, people will get bored. So, yeah, Bern is the best.
I made a mix today and they'll go out tomorrow. I really like the cover and CD label- I scanned my star pajamas and used the image as the background. I think I may do that for my June pitas, but I'm not sure. Those sheets are too hot for summer and I'm glad. Those sheets belonged to me and Sarah.
I want to run up to her and cry so badly, so badly. I don't think she'd be at all willing to sit there and be near me though. I want to tell her everything I did wrong, so that she knows, I love her. I will always love her. Always.
Philip was very mad at me today. He wanted to call Jessica and I was using the phone to work on transcript requests. He locked himself in his room and never came out. Around 10, I used a coin to open his lock. He had fallen asleep on the floor, the playstation control still in his hand, Xena lying dead in some forest.
I miss Erin. I miss the way she loved the stamps with berries on them. She loved the strawberry stamp. If I had anymore, I'd send her a letter with the strawberry stamp. Instead, it will be "Diabetes Prevention."
This entry is getting to be long, pointless, and embarassing.
I'm falling deeper than the ocean
I am lost in this emotion
Tuesday, May 22, 2001
11:56 a.m.
I woke up and chased the mail truck down the road, barefoot and in pajamas. I thrust a letter into her hand. Now, that little bit of paper is on its way to Ruth's mailbox. Hurrah!
My father and I talked again today. We're talking everyday lately, I love it. We talked and talked. I'm not going to Madison in the fall. I don't know how to tell Mercile that I'm not going back. Daddy says that chapter of my life is closed. Its true- nearly all of my mental instability took place in Madison. I need a fresh start. I am going to Seattle.
Viva is the best. She and I make more and more plans regarding our film and zine everyday. I'm really excited to start working on it. I don't want to start until I'm installed in the new apartment. Then I'll be able to spread out and be a little pixie zinester.
No mail for me today! Damn that Lance Bangs! I'm going to write a few letters today. I'm in the midst of one for Sondra.
Transcripts Transcripts ACT scores... YUCK!
Can I hold you babe, tonight?
Can I love you all night long?
Monday, May 21, 2001
08:21 p.m.
Still addicted to Survivor. I'm really proud of myself for not dying. I watched Girl, Interrupted again today. Winona Ryder frustrates me. Janet and Lisa are the best. Susanna is just a toefoot. Well, Susanna is cool. Winona is a toefoot. I cannot stand her. She is the devil.
Hey- big news! West High is going to give me my diploma! See, I never picked it up. I graduated two years ago and I'll finally have my diploma! Whooooo! Oh, I am so excited for Seattle. I still can't decide if I will for absolutely sure go to Madison in the fall. It all depends.
I am so excited about the gunslinger zine and movie that I'm making with . We're discussing screenplay and production and stuff. I hope we get to do fun photoshoots!! The new gunslinger has only been used once and I've already packed it. As soon as I move to ABQ, I'm going to work on stuff.
I am on a campaign to make Ruthie's tummy grow. It's much too small. I have a secret- I really want to be anorexic again. I wish I didn't get so fucken hungry. My face is getting blobby again. I want to see very definite lines, not huge expanses of flesh. I have this dream, to be a size 3 again. It's been years. So lithe, so beautiful. I need to find that again.
I'm still reading The Chronicles of Narnia. I'm on The Silver Chair at this point. Two more after this one. I miss Narnia and rereading the books is making me realize how short they are. Perhaps I'll reread The Chronicles of Prydain.
Lately I have been reading about what's going on in Israel/Palestine. I don't have any news for today, but I will soon. Nothing huge seems to have happened since last Friday, when a Palestinian blew himself and some other people up in a shopping mall. He was doing it cos Israel was bombing as well.
I miss Ruth.
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on Surviving
Sunday, May 20, 2001
11:40 p.m.
I'm still awake, nice and valiumed, waiting for Jessica and Luka to finish talking so that I may go to bed. It's so late that Mark is up.
Mark is my penpal from Australia. We met when I was 12 years old. I turned 13 shortly afterward and his birthday came the next month, on leap year. We've been friends for ages. Our latest conversations have been about oral sex technique. Mark is trying to give some girl an orgasm.
Jessica's mom, Marian, is wonderful. Really- she's so awesome. I wish my mom and I could talk. I wish my mom had read so much and understood so much. She put three little glow frogs into Philip's Clifford toy and he was thrilled with them. I wish I could give him a more nurturing home. I wish I could correct all the mistakes my parents made with him. I adore him. He goes back to Wisconsin in 12 days. That's all. 12 days with the man of my life.
Okay, I know this completely NOT the usual me... but I really like that Destiny's Child song, Survivor. It kind of makes me think of Sarah but not really... I always felt that Sarah didn't think I'd make it. That she was just waiting for me to break down.
Sometimes I feel like Sara and I are the only ones still fighting- that everyone else has resigned themselves to the fact that we're depressed and just forgotten that we exist. I know it's dumb, but right now I just want to grab Sara and go swing at Lake Wingra. I really miss Sara.
It's now very nearly midnight. I refuse to get offline as Jessica is going to come online and then talk to me as we go to bed. I really want to be able to sleep with her. I've slept at her house twice, but one of us always sleeps on the floor. I want to fall asleep with her breath on my neck and wake up tangled in the covers with her.
I can't wait until Angelina gets my letter so that I can write to her again. Only I don't know which address to use. Yeah. I have this feeling that at one point I could have grown up to be rather like Angelina. Now, I'm quite sure I will grow up to be Colette.
'Cos my tone was curt
and when I'm approached in a dark alley
I don't lift my skirt
Sunday, May 20, 2001
05:28 p.m.
I am awake and the sun is out. I can feel its sneaky, treacherous rays. They crawl over the trees and slide under doors, throw themselves through windows. They always find me, always discover my brown body- only today I am grateful. I went out this morning and prayed for blessings. Afterward I felt guilty as I have been so blessed lately.
We went and signed the lease and paid our rent. We are moving into a flat/condo that has pools and saunas and such. I have a phone jack in my room, for Haven, which is all I really need. The ceilings are low- I'll be a little Neanderthal all summer. Things are quite nearby and there are even bike routes. Riley would like that.
The kids leave soon. Daddy will come in the red car, covered in liberal bumper stickers he only half believes in. ("Doing my part to piss of the religious right," "X," and "All Who Wander are not Lost.") He'll take the baby and our princess up to Wisconsin. They'll lie about in the humidity and Philip will turn a soggy olive color. I think the sun here is better for him.
Philip will be with his dog though- Bonny is so important to Pip and it's awful that she didn't come down here with us. Yula feeds her scraps and she's become fat and slow. She can barely go up the stairs.
I will be here, all summer. Dreadful bills to pay, essays upon essays to write- and news to break. That I will go to Seattle. Nan and Sara Selfe will be happy. I'll take care of Justie for Robin and hang out with Sister, (aka Rebecca).
I am in love. Here at Jessica's house, the dogs flopping down on the floor, my little brother in the $20 chair playing Xena, Jessica, my Jessica... wandering about and being beautiful. Her mother is wonderful. Today, she showed me a pair of North African sandals and I threaded one myself. She showed me this most amazing photograph: Don Johansen (of Lucy fame) with his hand spread next to Lucy's. Two hands, two million years.
I worry about Sara, up in Madison, in her room with her computer. Yesterday she spoke of the urge to burn but then told me she had no lighter. I hope she will be safe. Sara means so much to me. She's like the flame in the Temple- always lit, though often flickering and nearly going out. I know she doesn't particularly enjoy being held, but I want to hold her close to me, keep her safe. Jessica tells me I'm not a counselor. I'm not- but I am her friend.
I am learning who I am. I am. I am. I am. I am.
she was cuffed to the truth like the truth was a chair
bright interrogation light in her eyes
Thursday, May 17, 2001
09:45 a.m.
I am home again. Mama has gone to Red Rock and the baby is at school. Vicki will bring him home when he's done and I'll try to concoct some sort of dinner for us. He fell asleep watching Buffy with me last night.
The car broke so Mama had to take it somewhere. Our car falls apart at least 2000 times a year. Anyway, she forgot the key to my medication safe in the car. I'm going to go three days without medication. I'm planning to stay in my room and read.
I'm terrified of becoming depressed again.
I miss her a lot today, I wish I was there again. Is it unreasonable to miss someone whom I see so rarely anyway? I want to see my sister. I don't think she likes me much. She was always kicking me when she was still inside.
Driving anywhere with my mother is hell. My brother and I were attempting to sleep and kept being told to look at various things. Both of us stumbled into the house and wanted to fall asleep but my mother went about her usual stuff.
I have no clue what to feed that boy tonight.
and bring my little ghettoblaster
there's more to life than this
Wednesday, May 16, 2001
12:20 a.m.
I am becoming more and more effective at deluding myself. I went to the doctor today and my mother seemed completely incapable of recognizing any progress whatsoever. Dr. Davis wanted to talk about how my mother feels about Yesska, my mom wanted to talk about some kind of chart and I wanted to leave and take a nap. Not a successfull appointment. I ended up walking out of the office.
That was lovely. I went home and I had two letters from Sondra. Yay! She told me about wanting to live and watchinga ladybug. I helped the baby make this safety poster... he did the drawing and I did the colouring. It's a really... ugly poster. I did the mountains and they look nice, but no one can make a poster about Amtrak very exciting.
I'm behind on letters again. The last two went out a few days ago... Sara said her mum had e-mailed that the star card came. I keep getting all these wonderful letters and I am very undeserving. Oh! I did send a letter to Tracy, very unprecedented. There was another letter as well... oh, to Pascale. She's finally marrying Jib. (Jean-Baptiste)
I am spending the night away from home. Guess where. I even brought Panda and my fucken valium along. I love the lorazepam, I just have to pretend I hate it. I am a complete bitch w/o it and I fall asleep all the time, only bad sleep, with bad dreams.
My father called. We spoke about not pinning hopes upon meaningless things, how to be more responsible about random shit, what the fuck i'm going to do with my life, and little dumb things. I'm stuck being the go-between of my dad and mom yet again. Daddy's latest "thing" is that he's now claiming that he never pushed me or forced me into scholastic overachievement in any way. WTF???
To end on a better note... Allie called. She's called twice. She's still her Allie self, which is an intense relief. Philip thought she was drunk, which is a good sign!
yeah.
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear
Sunday, May 13, 2001
07:55 p.m.
La la la! Bern and I talked for a long time today. Bern always makes me feel better and whenever I talk to her, I feel a million times better, even if I was in a great mood to begin with. She tells me these awesome stories and talks to me... yeah, I love Bern. Plus, she sent me a package!
Is there nothing I can do to help Sara? I am fully aware that it's in her hands, that all I can do is tell her that I've been there too, that I love her. I refuse to let Sara go. I refuse.
I talked to Bern about Sarah. I said "But she left me!" And Bern said- "you left her first. you left her even more than she left you." Allie's suicide attempt is making me so upset- did Sarah feel upsest when I tried to leave?
Mother's Day- I called Kateri. She was really upset, I want to make her feel better. She's been in the hospital for the last month. Tida is huge- 23 inches long!! She definitely won't fit her baby clothes.
Please, don't let Sara leave. Please.
ain't that the way
it's supposed to be
Saturday, May 12, 2001
10:51 p.m.
We went hiking today! Me and Yesska. We saw lizards and stinky bugs and butterflies and ants and grasshoppers. She does not like grasshoppers. It was lovely lovely wonderful. The worst part was when she won the pasole bet! It was so unfair! I lost! Now I have to give her a striptease and say stuff about being beautiful! It's just not right. We also saw a car that was boiling. It was making bubbling noises.
I went to lunch at Isleta Gaming Palace today. Some Japanese lady was hitting on N'nai Yeba! It was funny, cos she thought she knew him. Then, N'nai said he'd take me to Albuquerque!!! And Mimmy said yes! It was very thrilling. N'nai took me out to dinner on the way home. We ate a lot. I saw a guy with a huge cowboy hat and a hunting knife, a girl who fell off her chair, and a bus boy who dropped all the dishes.
Kazoointoit is super weird and super awesome at the same time. Jason is very odd. What's he saying anyway? P.S. P.S.? I can't tell. I like the kazooey part. I have decided that my wife, Melanie, should come live with me. Then we can listen to Ani and Sleater-Kinney and stuff. We could also do fun stuff. Our relationship is definitely lacking its usual amount of hott gaywad sex.
My brother is a dork. He asked to borrow my Playstation and I asked what he'd give me- and he said his speakers! So, now I have new speakers. That's allllll good.
Luka went missing for a bit. There is a new law: Luka is not allowed to go missing.
The only thing to drink in this house is Black Cherry soda. Do I dare try it?
Junior, did you get the bag?
Saturday, May 12, 2001
11:22 a.m.
She drove her car at 90 mph into a telephone pole. She wasn't wearing a seat belt. Allie. My Allie. She had been at the white lesbians group, she asked someone named Danielle out. She said no. They always say no. Elizabeth and Sarah gave her "dirty looks." Allie didn't really care about that, but something pushed her over the edge. Something made her drive that car into the telephone pole, causing a loss of telephone service in Blue Mounds and Black Earth.
Sara isn't okay either. She's cutting again. I want to pick her up, to hold her, to press a cold, wet washcloth against her wrists, the way she did for me. I want to brush her hair and take her to movies and play Scrabble and all the little things we can't do anymore. The last time I saw her, it was her birthday. I ran upstairs into the den and thrust her present into her hands. I miss her. How do you tell someone how much you love them?
I feel wrong, being happy the way I am. I am in love, I am happy. I am in love and she loves me too. We are revelling. My wonderful J, my wonderful wonderful J. I feel guilty, basking in this love, when my friends are in such pain. I don't know where my mother is, but I have to see my J. I need to get to her house, to curl into her arms and feel safe.
I finished the book J's mom lent me, Leave it to Me. It was very bizarre, full of coincidences that could never happen. The reality that riddled Jasmine isn't present in this one. The entire book seems a dream, full of death, full of arson and sniper fire.
J and I started reading Les Misérables again. We are reading about M. Myriel and how good he is. We read 3 chapters last night, I was falling asleep at the end. J can tell when I'm falling asleep cos I mix up the words. I love her.
Philip has a friend here, Nick. He slept over last night. The house is full of little boy noises, their feet slapping against the floor, their laughter, stifled, floating from his room.
When is Katryna's baby going to come out? I can barely wait. I should call Kateri and see how my baby sister is doing. My beautiful beautiful baby sister, Tida.
I should really get dressed and do something about this ant infestation.
You've always been a good girl, smart girl, pretty girl
Thursday, May 10, 2001
11:18 p.m.
If I signed a safety contract, would my mother let me have my medication back? It's really stupid for her to have them all the time because I'll forget how to manage them myself. She knows perfectly well that I am fine now, but she continues to treat me as if I am going to OD as soon as I have the chance. Yeah, like ODing on Prozac is really going to hurt me. I'm not going to do it!
We fought very badly today and I cried. I wish I could make her understand that it's hard for me right now. Just because I am okay doesn't mean that I don't get mad. I quit my ED and cutting. I just quit my two main coping mechanisms and she expects me to be fine. I cried and she told me not to feel sorry for myself. I have so many emotions, so much anger... I had to cry. I couldn't cut. I couldn't purge. So I cried.
Sara is hurting right now. I have this intense need to take care of her, to make sure that she's okay. I wish other people understood us. Not completely, but enough to realize that NO WE ARE NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE. I wish I could bring her here for the summer so she's not so isolated. I have to find some solution. I don't think chatting and letters are enough right now.
Gustavo has to go back. I HATE INS. I don't understand, I can't understand. He makes Luka happy, it's not fair, it's not fair. I've only met Gustavo once so I can't really do much. I could call Daddy and Vera at INS and see about Visa extensions... I wish we could cancel my stepmother's visa and keep Gustavo here.
Tomorrow I will do something, something very important. I hope it works. The last time it didn't, but now I understand why. Now though, now... it has to work. It must.
I should tell you... I should tell you... I love you
Thursday, May 10, 2001
02:34 p.m.
I have an idea- Tida's outgrown baby clothes can go to Katryna's baby, provided it's a girl. Her baby is due today-Bern sent out a very sweet list of well wishes and Rhi is making a baby book. I was going to submit to it but I was "emotionally overwhelmed" around the time that they were due. Anyway, the clothes I bought for Tida are in likelihood far too small- they're for 0-3 months and Tida will be three months next week.
I am so scared, so scared this will end because I live out in fucking Los Lunas. I feel really odd today. My mother is frustrating me. I think I'm just overtired. I missed a full day of my meds so it's probably that. I am really irritable some reason. Mama keeps talking to me- she's fully aware that I've got music on and can't hear her.
I really miss Daddy's house. Our house. I miss my room, my friends, the yard, the dog. I don't like this existence in a rented house. Our house was really ours. I want to go "home" so badly. That home doesn't exist any longer. Half the furniture is here, half the furniture is there. Biffy has somewhat taken over my room and my stuff is stashed in the basement. Yula's things fill the house and our beautiful prints are replaced with her movie posters. The dining room is empty; only the chandelier is still there. The library looks the same, but my chair is gone, the piano is gone. I want to go home, but I can't. Not with Yula there.
I wish we'd just settle somewhere and stay. I wish we had our house built (we haven't even started construction) and I could make a space for myself again. My mother wanted 3 bedrooms and EVERYONE protested. Nobody, even her friends and our random relatives, thinks we should have only 3 bedrooms! All four of us need our own rooms.
Printer fights again... Mama needs my scanner but wants my printer... she doesn't bring her own disks... or she expects that I'll let her use my printer. I'm not allowed to use her printer... and my ink is more expensive than hers. Why am I so petty? It's just the difference between my Epson 900 and her 700. I think I'm just terrified of the fact that I'm only my last black cartridge and I can't afford a new cartridge.
I want to run away to the mountains and get away from my family for a little while.
silence to the world but the stars keep marching
silence to everyone but i kept talking
Monday, May 7, 2001
09:27 p.m.
I wrote letters today, finally. One thing abt falling in love is that you completely lose touch with reality. I took today and wrote to my friends and filled out a survey about how much I liked being incarcerated in UW-Psych. I have a police record. Five times, charges have been dropped at the very last second because I have attempted the murder of a US citizen. Of myself. Anyway, letters went to Sara (Superhero), Strauss, and Sara.
I'm listening to Tegan and Sara. I can barely take Tegan and Sara but everyone who likes them already has their CD. Hmmm. Oh well. I like My Number but it reminds me of Sarah. (Okay, if I were in charge of the world, I would not allow anymore people to be named Sara/h.) I also listened to Suzanne Vega, which always makes me think of Maria. The sign said hedgehog... Maria also needs a letter.
The people at Staples are completely incompetent. Completely. It shouldn't take half an hour to exchange a pen for another pen. The customers in line (other than me and this guy I would totally would have made out with) were also incompetent. I'm beginning to believe that people in Los Lunas are generally incompetant.
I'm almost done with The Stand. I have to admit that the book is wonderful- but I much prefer Victor Hugo. He was a genius. When I was fifteen, my journal was half full of his quotes and my own graphic interpretations of his scenes. Back to The Stand. The book was due nearly 2 weeks ago. Uh-oh.
Flavored water is the devil. Actually...
Things Which Are The Devil
1. flavored water
2. pens which do not write
3. mandy moore
4. indigestion
5. dry mouth
6. packing (as in to move, not as in yr underwear)
7. knowing that reciprocation is completely impossible.
8. my girlfriend saying "stuff" and "nothing"
9. my ex. she makes me homicidal.
Right. I have to go take Ruthie's survey. Done! Go take it now, you toefeet!
When the roses are blooming
You can call me home
And I will stay there forever
My flesh and bone
Sunday, May 6, 2001
08:52 p.m.
She wants to die. Doesn't she know she can't die? She can't. Am I being selfish, wanting her to stay? Everyone else seems oblivious, but I can't let go. I loved her and I can't just let her slip away. She's bandaged my bleeding wrists, hugged me, watched me fall in love, seen me laughing and crying... she can't leave. She can't. If she died- I don't know, it's too much. It's too hard. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't, I couldn't.
This overwhelming emotion, I want to cry, to beg her, to tell her that I love her, that she can't just... leave. Not now. Not ever. She wants to go out into the world alone, where no one she knows is... I can't, I can't let her do that. I need to hold her close to me until she can live again. Am I too far away to save her life?
This ache in my heart is weighing me down, but still, I lift my hand to my face and smile. Her smile, her eyes, everything... I am shimmery and I feel like running until I'm in the sky. How did we find each other? How? I don't think I want to know, but I'm aglow, aglow. I feel as if anything I know could be filled with light.
Is everyone around me in pain? I need Ruthie to come here, so I can hold her in my arms at night, sing to her, read to her, hold her hand and run. Mayn't I be a really pixie so that I can touch everything and make it better? Please. Please.
Let them be okay. Let them. I need this.
it's the thing you'll never know
it's the thing you'll never own
Friday, May 4, 2001
09:04 p.m.
Weird day. Good or bad? Good or bad? Good or bad? Duh. Good. I saw my Jess and that overwhelms all other feelings, despite how cheesy that sounds. I pretended to help her with her math (who the hell can rationalize those damned equations anyway??? not us.) and burrowed and found a rabbit. Other good things: my new gunslinger came!!! I feel like calling Viva and telling her all abt it, but that's extremely silly. I lost her number, dammit.
That was only one good thing. The other one needs an explanation- I went to the dentist. The good thing was that I have perfect teeth. BUT I'm to have my wisdom teeth pulled. OUCH OUCH OUCH! I'm scared. The dentist was awful. Well, the dentist was fine, the waiting room was awful.
I called Ruthie today and she's sad and I don't have the right words to make her feel better. She told me something today that made me very very sad. Why can't everyone be well at once?? It's not nice. My twin sister is far away and I can't open up my arms and hold her all night so she doesn't have to cry.
Jess is jealous of Carrie Brownstein. heehee. She gave me another bracelet today! She gave me a bracelet the first time we saw each other as well. I'm very very happy.
Started The Stand again. Philip got nervous and had to read the last few pages to assure himself that the world hadn't completely ended. I keep thinking of all those dead bodies. Yuck-o. Still, we are determined to read this book, because we both like it.
Jess doesn't think I'm a puppy, even though I chew on this orange plastic thing and make growly noises. She has her math final tomorrow. She's going to do splendidly, but she's worried about it nonetheless. So she's not a math genius... but she is the most amazing person I've ever met because she lives her emotions and tells me about them and all these other reasons that I can't articulate at all and you wouldn't want to know anyway!
I am very very worried about two of my closest friends right now, this very minute... I wish I could give them the strength I know they'll find. I am suddenly aware that I have no idea how to comfort someone who is depressed.
To Sarah: I'm sorry.
Come with me and you'll be
in a world of pure imagination
Thursday, May 3, 2001
08:43 p.m.
Ooooh! The Jessie-Love issue just won't die. Heehee. I am completely sure it was 1 month. I know because it was exactly 1 day short of one month. I document EVERYTHING in my journals. God, I'm mean! My favorite times w/ Jessie were when she came to our room in the evenings and we sat on my bed doing our homework. Once she drew hearts and flowers and stuff all over my Jewish Studies stuff and I was really embarassed in class the next day. She was reading abt Nisa... and we laughed all the time abt the pubic aprons. One thing I really really liked abt Jess was the fact that we hung out. Really hung out. We became really good friends. We'd sing Tori together and walk along the lake. The last time I saw her was right before I left. I had to be supervised when I shaved my legs and we took a bath together and shaved. I miss her.
Today it is scarily windy. There was a snowstorm in Gallup. My brother took pictures of it. Amazingly, my brother went to Gallup and back today- all before noon! I'm afraid the wind will blow and blow until we're all blown away. Not really, but the idea is pretty creepy.
J is doing her essay right now, on hands. I think Luca is doing his on the sky or something. They asked me for suggestions. I thought of hands for a long time. Then I told J about what I heard on the radio. I heard a broadcast of a botched execution that took place in Georgia. It was very overwhelming and I was nearly in tears telling J. I told her that I'm going to change it. I am going to change it. The death penalty is completely sick. Deb agrees. Deb is awesome.
News! News!News!
My meds were lowered! Dr. Davis thinks I'm making improvement and he was happy to see me happy as well. It started when I came home from the hospital. I also had therapy with my mom for an hour after my appointment. We're supposed to spend 15 minutes a day bonding. It sounds fine to me.
It's WWF night for Philip and I can hear his TV through my walls. Yuck-O! He's always very mean when he's watching it and afterward, he tries all the moves on me. I hate WWF.
J is writing her essay... oh hurry oh hurry! Her finals start Saturday. Yuck. But then we have the whole summer... She won't let me read her paper cos she says I'll critique it, but I like the way she writes. Maybe I'll make Luca steal it for me!
I drew stars ALL OVER my right foot today, with a black pen. I have a really cool starry foot. And part of my left thigh is starry as well, because my foot was resting against it.
I got to talk to Bern last night. Bern is wonderful... even though she lives in the nun house. She's a barmaid and has terribly exciting bar stories. She's been around forever and knows everything... so she always tells me things that are true. The first thing I learned from Bern was the word "lascivious."
but i'll breathe the air
i'll stop the clock
i'll touch the sky
and say what i want
Thursday, May 3, 2001
02:48 a.m.
Still no complete resolution on the Jessie issue. I don't think she understands... she must know that we weren't "in love" because we weren't. Yes, I love her, yes I care about her incredibly, but I wasn't death-defyingly, soul-churningly in love with her. There wasn't time. You can gain that in 1 month.
I'm beginning to feel that everyone thinks that I am incompetent. Mama asks for the scissors: "When are you going to give them back Colette? 10 minutes?" I have this nagging feeling that Sarah believes that I will never get better. It's unfounded, but I don't think she thinks I'll ever be a normal person. I think she faults me for starting to talk to people I told her I disliked.
See? Still thinking too much of what others think. Yuck. Sarah isn't even here- why should I care what she thinks? I'm fine, I'm happy. I know I'm fine. I know that I'm eating, I know that I'm not cutting, I know that I'm safe. People say "but colette, your last attempt wasn't that long ago!" Yeah, I realized that's not what I want at all. I am not going to continue this stupid life. I was talking to bern abt quitting my destructive habits and deciding never to attempt again. She asked me what my reward would be. I said "everything." I think it was the right answer.
I know you all follow my life very carefully... but an extremely tired Kip read one more chapter of Les Mis tonight before her J dropped off into bed. I hate our transportation problems!!! I really really like J, I really do. I'm just massively afraid that she'll get freaked out by me for some stupid ass reason and jet.
I've pretty much finished Smelly's page and Kathy said I can work on hers a bit. Jessie's needs a lot of work + a guestbook, maybe she'll let me do a bit to it. The templates provided by pitas and diaryland are very... ugh.
Take these stars from my crown
Wednesday, May 2, 2001
02:23 p.m.
Jessie is upset, she thinks I used her. I wrote her an e-mail and hopefully it was a good explanation. I didn't use her, she's very important to me. I love her, but just not in the way that I loved the four women on that list.
I spent yesterday evening working on Sarah's page. It still looks a bit... rough, but I will make it beautiful. I re-did my page, as I do every month... and all of a sudden, my friends' pages are newly redone as well! It's spring.
Marie is also terribly hurt by her recent break-up with Kristen. I don't know how to soothe her, how to tell her that it will be fine, that it hurts like all hell now, but it will be fine. Maria and I spoke about Marie a few nights ago and we both felt the same things. God, I wish I could show Marie what I know... I wish I could let her know, but she has to learn on her own and she's so stubborn! Lately I feel we are growing apart; I feel I can't tell her certain things (Marie) for fear of hurting her. Maybe it's because of what happened throughout October. I wish Marie could know that she is my best friend and I'm only trying to help and I keep ending up a useless fuckwit.
Jessie and I just talked. She's fine, she understands. I'm happy. Jessie is really important to me right now. Being at home, I think so much abt people's roles in my life and I realize that the people I thought were helping were just repressing who I am. I can't be around that. My life is suddenly opening, wonderfully sprouting. It sounds dumb, but I have been so happy lately. Some people just don't understand and I wish they could. They refuse to believe in me. I am ruled by my emotions, not by sense.
J is teaching me to open my thoughts and my eyes. She is showing me who I am. I speak to her in French, tell her stories. I read to her at night. She wrote a story when she was younger and I read it. It was amazing- so real. I could see her thoughts spill onto the page and arrange themselves into untidy newborn sentences. J is like me.
I am a newly born star.
you'll consider yrself lucky too
Tuesday, May 1, 2001
04:35 p.m.
Okay, I got an AWESOME package from Melanie today and it was just cool cos she sent another copy of the mix I lost. I really like this version of Brand New Key. I also got 2!!! bike catalogues, a really pretty card from Sara, and this prayer from N'nai Albie.
I am really happy today. It's beautiful outside. I opened the window and I've been dancing and jumping around the house. Angelina got my letter and she says it made her day! I love it when people like my letters. :-) Jessie Coyote Puppy and I have been chatting and she's making me laugh! I miss her so much. I can't wait to get back up to Madison so I can see everyone again.
Jessie is so silly! At the same time, she works so hard to get what she wants... I almost feel guilty for not putting effort into the things that I do. I mean, she's running abt to different depts to get the classes she wants... I just deal with things being closed!
I stayed up ALL night last night and didn't wake up until late morning. Mama was a bit mad- she'll probably advocate drugging me more! Allie and I talked for a long time abt overdosing and meds and how we feel abt men. She can be so funny. She was talking abt this video game store clerk and the way she's been treated as a customer and I knew what she meant. I like that she's back in my life, even if it's in such a silly little way. She asked someone out yesterday and the way she described her rejection was hilarious.
Babbling again... I'll probably delete this entry later.
For somebody who don't drive, I've been all around the world
Some people say I done all right for a girl
Tuesday, May 1, 2001
03:05 a.m.
Here I am, awake- and it's May. The beginning of the third month in New Mexico. Everyone is talking abt their school year coming to an end and summer coming. Summer came for me when my plane touched down here nearly 2 months ago. Time to switch my calendar to May, but unfortunately the picture for May is absolutely horrible. I'll have to cover it with something, I cannot stare at a giant puppy sculpted from flowers for an entire month! Also, I have to write in the important events of this past week... I wish I had my Stabilo pens; my calendar is considerably less colorful since I've been down here. It's okay, I'll make the May page really rock.
J's family and friends don't want her to get involved with me. I feel scorned, I wish I could show them that I am a person, that I am going to be fine. The Dalai Lama says "in all manners of the present, do not bring up the past." Why can't I have a clean slate granted to me? I am past that dark place now, I am now where I need to be. I am eating as a normal person would, except that I'm still nervous in restaurants. I'm not cutting. How long to have to be an angel before people believe that I'm okay? Does Sarah still think I'm not ready to go back to school in the fall?
Once again, it is obvious that I care too much abt what others think of me. However... I want this to work out, with J.
We've bonded so quickly; we tell each other stories and raw emotions and thoughts. I've never become so intensely and intricately involved in someone's life in so short a time. It's only been a week, right? Still, for the first time, I want to show someone all my thoughts, to let someone in, to be free. To Be Free.
I read J the first two chapters of Les Misérables today. I don't know if she likes the stories, but she likes it when I read. I want to read the entire book to her. One of the things I regret most abt Sarah leaving is that we never finished the book we were reading.
I can tell J things and she understands. I told her abt our trip to Crimea in May 1998, about the day when I took in more emotion than any other day of my life up to that point. I can talk to her and I want to listen to everything she says. She talks in a very even, precise voice... everything sounds planned in a very spontaneous way. That probably makes no sense to anybody besides myself. I am comfortable with her. I told Ruthie, and J and I have discussed it as well... that even if it doesn't work out romantically, then I know she'll be a wonderful friend.
Am I over-analyzing again? I don't think I am, I think I just letting things flow from my mind, instead of censoring my own thoughts.
My bike is fixed! N'nai Beaux2 fixed it and threaded the brakes and all that bug stuff! The front hook is still a bit bent so we have to take it to be blowtorched back into normality. I hope I can watch! Angela would really like that.
I am becoming more fixated on the idea of writing my memoirs. Not for anyone else, but for me, so that the truth, all the truth, is there. Vita Sackville-West wrote down the truth abt her affairs with Violet Trefusis and hid them in a closet. I think they were for herself. Leslie gave me that book at the beginning of the school year, because I had spent the summer devouring all of V. Woolf's correspondence. It's a bit sad that I've been back here for almost 2 months and I still haven't contacted Volney or Leslie.
I'll be taking the train up to Chicago at the end of the summer. I'll ship my computer, printer, and scanner to Sue and take the rest of my stuff (clothes, books, videos) with me on the train. My bike travels on the train as well. I'm already thinking of going back, planning the little things in my mind.
But... I am going to be here until late August and I mean to use the time off as best I can. My job applications are done and I'm going to volunteer at Philip's school in the gifted classes. Perhaps I'll even do WIA again this summer.
I am extremely tired at this point... I need to go to bed!
