Kissy Star-Cowboy

Mad Skywriting
(Bonfire Madigan)
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
08:53 a.m.

i am changing my name, i am burning my past, i'm laying yesterday to rest at last
I got a tattoo last week, of a star. A star on my left wrist to cover the ancient scars, to begin again. My wrist is smooth and the black ink covers the scars. I am proud to have come this far. I am proud that I do not give in to the razor when I feel the urges. I do not cut anymore and I am proud of that.

i am owning these actions, i'm not sorry for who i am, or who you wanted me to be
Jessica brought Kira over on Sunday. (read more about Kira in March 2001.) She's gotten a haircut and doesn't dress like Ace Ventura anymore. It was kind of weird seeing her. She works with Jessica now. I think she only works weekends because she's still in high school. I feel ashamed, seeing Kira, because I really screwed her over. Still, I think the whole visit went well. I wasn't unduly cruel or anything.

i am skywriting this survival, i am sending this survival in a bottle to the stars
Things are different this year. I have learned to take care of myself in this year at home. I am praying that I will move on soon, that I will be accepted at UW and that I can go to Seattle and start my new life. It's going to be a transition, not a complete change. I'll have a new beginning where I can be a student again.

i am not sorry for being here now, hear now, i am not sorry cuz i've made it here now, here now
We got The Sims: Vacation and it looks pretty fun. I haven't gone to the vacation areas yet, but Luka and Jess have. They took one of Jessica's sims, Kiley, to the winter resort and she went snowboarding. It looks pretty cool and the yeti is really fun.

there's no apologizing for being here now, hear now, be not sorry because you are here now
I am working hard on my tarot. I'm starting the suit of cups, the path of Venus. I really want these German colored pencils I bought there, but they are all gone now. I can't find them here. I'm thinking of writing to Klaus to send me some more. They're so awesome. Anyway, I still haven't written anything in my Book of Shadows because I'm still reading Adler's Drawing Down the Moon. It's a really good book, it's just kind of slow reading, it being so academic.

plant your feet in the ground, then take a stand
I'm going usher a NARAL event in a month or so. I should really look into NARAL more carefully. I know Sadie works for Choice USA and I should check out what's out there in terms of reproductive rights PACs. That can be my thing to do today, until my mom drops Philip off.

Murphy Bed
(Mirah)
Tuesday, March 26, 2002
09:08 a.m.

how's the road? are you getting lots of action out there? i hope so
Last night Jessica and I went to the emergency room because I was having abdominal pain. I ended up passing a kidney stone- isn't that absolutely thrilling? Anyway, while we were waiting there, a man started having a heart attack. The ER people wouldn't even help him out, they were full and had no more beds so the man just kept having his heart attack out in the waiting room. I have to make sure I never have any emergencies, cos the UNM hospital is definitely not the place to go.

i'm at home, distracting myself with a guitar and microphones
Today The Sims: Vacation comes out. I have my copy reserved at Coronado. Barbara's coming over in a little while to hang out, maybe we can go pick it up. Barbara and I spend a lot of time together. She's pretty fun. When we first met, she was a little intimidating, but now it's all good. She has a thing for hats lately.

and when you get home you can tie me to murphy bed; let's do all the things you said
Luka says I am very gothic because my shoelaces have bats on them. He is kidding. Luka's simmies, Ian Tielbar and Judas Hammon, are in love. They haven't moved in together yet, but they kiss all the time. Willow and Tara have sex all the time in the hot tub. I bought them a new house with an extra bedroom to prepare for the them to have a baby, but it's been a few simweeks and still no baby. I can't find any cheats to get a baby either. Damn.

Julia (Not Julia)
(The Nields)
Sunday, March 24, 2002
08:44 a.m.

Julia turns her mirrors to the wall, 'Cause she only wants to begin again
So. I quit work or got fired. I'm not sure which. I had called in on my 3rd day. Then on my fourth day, I was late and then today, I was late and then my bike tire popped. I mean popped, it's so flat I can't even inflate it. So I called in again. Sharon, the all-business manager of the deli asked if the job was working out for me and I said I didn't know and she said "okay" and then hung up. So, I don't know if that counts as quitting or fired, but the job is over.

And Julia, do you have a friend, Who will wash away your sins?
I can find a better job. A job starting at 6am isn't that great. I could work part time at Frontier or something. Girls generally get to be cashiers so there wouldn't be too much food. Mostly, it's the food that I hate and that makes me have the panic attacks, so I should look for a job that doesn't involve food. I keep thinking that I've beaten my eating disorder, but it manifests itself in many different ways, all which I have to work out in my head. Jessica is so wonderful about this stuff, I am so grateful to have her in my life.

And if there's no one in your life- Does that mean you can't begin?
I really want to get into UW-Seattle. I want to get in really badly. I keep having all these daydreams about me setting up my dorm room, picking out cool anthro classes, and getting to spend time with Kateri, Jason, Tida, and Zoe. I want to get in so badly.

Hey Julia, can you make it on your own? Hey Julia, don't you know this is your home?
I can work through WIA this summer and maybe the Mental Health Center can even help me to find a job. I can get little amounts of money for grading and stuff for my mother. I'll work something out, I know it will turn out well in the end.

Every Little Thing She Does is Magic
(The Police)
Saturday, March 23, 2002
02:52 p.m.

Every little thing she does is magic
First off, things are pretty cool because I've gotten several letters this week. I am starting to run out of stationery but what I have left is really nice, so I'm probably going to write a bunch of letters tonight. Marianne and Thilo helped me out with my medical bills this week; when I mailed the check off to Wisconsin, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. (Kind of like a female, non-Puritan Giles Corey.)I am so thankful to have people who love me and take care of me. I don't know how I would have gotten so far without everyone.

Everything she do just turns me on
Yesterday Luka and I went and saw The Fellowship of the Ring again. We were pretty late, so we missed the intro, but we saw the rest. I love Cate Blanchett as Galadriel and the Lothlorien scenes were just as gorgeous the second time around. Philip is now reading The Chronicles of Prydain, by Lloyd Alexander. I read them in 4th grade. I hope Pip loves them the way I did. So far, his favorite character is Gurgi. Oh, I love fantasy novels. I'm going to get my dad to send me my Books of Great Alta.

Even though my life before was tragic
When I walked out the door and hopped on my bike this morning, there was a note taped to it. I opened it when I got to Wild Oats; it was a little letter from Jessica wishing me a good day. It was so sweet; it made me really happy. (there is nothing like a good semi-colon.) My shifts are flying by faster and faster. Today I made pizzas. I spent all day hoping that I get into UW-Seattle.

Now I know my love for her goes on
I had a harrowing experience yesterday. I left my library book out while I was on break and consequently, lost it. Luka and I went back to look for it but it was gone. The clerks checked the bathrooms, the microwave area, and the café, but it was nowhere to be found. It bothered me all day, even when we were at the movies. Luckily, one of the managers found it today in a drawer no one else had checked! I am so relieved. I was forced to experience all kind of horrible scenarios where I'd be excommunicated permanently from the library! So, today's awesome, because I found my library book and Jess left me a cute note.

Taxi Girl
(The Nields)
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
12:34 p.m.

I pull in the cab, I pull off my clothes, I pull off my cotton, I pull on my leather
So, I'm home today because I have a sore throat and a headache. Why is it that there are courtroom shows on 24/7 but Buffy's only on 3 times a week? It's silly. I'm so sick of Judge Judy and Judge Mathis! They're always on. So, I'm really hoping work doesn't penalize me for calling in. Then again, I'm not really worried. I'm just going to take life as it comes to me.

I'm free as a bird, I'm light as a feather; Oh, just give it to me
So, I'm sending in my application to UW-Seattle today. I really hope everything goes well. It's kind of odd, that I am applying there now after all these years. NASON was six years ago. It was only six years since I sent for the application and hid it in my locker in ninth grade. I just want to go there so I can have a fresh start.

Taxi girl, taxi girl, taxi girl, A little bit high, a little bit shy, a little bit spoiled
Last night I went to the magic shop with Barbara and got some supplies. As of late, I'm reading Margot Adler's Drawing Down the Moon. It's really good. It's a pretty old book but the theories on revivalism are still valid, obviously. Next it's one of the Farrar's books. Studying is slow, but I do have a year and a day. I'm hoping that I can make to the Wicca Group in April since I missed it for the women's conference this month.

I'll take you here, I'll take you there, I'll take you all around the world; All around the world
I'm back on the Nook again. It's very comforting, seeing all the familiar names in my inbox. I have to write Bern another letter because I'm afraid she never got my last letter. She sent me an awesome package for my birthday and I'm afraid that it's the thank you note that she didn't get. I am very conscientious about thank you notes. Well, time to go work on simmies and such.

His Indie World
(Mary Lou Lord)
Sunday, March 17, 2002
03:09 p.m.

Yeah I'm stuck in the past and he's stuck on his four track
So, the big news is that I have a job at Wild Oats in the deli. Can I just say how utterly fun it is to print the price stickers? I love the little scale that prints out all the cute little price tags. They give me two breaks and a lunch, where I sit and eat my yogurt with honey and a protein bar.

but I can't get through to his one track mind
Yesterday, I worked for my mom all day long at the New Mexico Museum of Natural History and Science. I went to two planetarium shows. One of them, Enchanted Skies, was really awesome. They animated all the constellations and spun us around a Möbius (sp?) loop. I saw that Bears IMAX again, which is super cute. Anyway, the museum was fun but I was there way too long. I bought a really pretty candle lantern and some cards for Becky, Sarah, and Coyote.

Play and Record and Major Chord and maybe I will win his heart this time
I have a lot of grading to do for Physical Science 261. I'm just going to sit down and do it, because otherwise, it gets really drawn out and boring. I feel really bad for my mom. She works really hard at that class and the students are idiots. That's not a fair judgment, I know. I've only met one, Delora, and she rocks. The others haven't graced me with their presence, the poop dogs!

yeah maybe I'll win his heart this time
I want to start getting into the yummy food I used to eat. Here's what I'm craving, (vintage freshman year at UW fare) granola with honey and vanilla yogurt. Yum. Also, french bread with mozzarella and tomato (ŕ la Uncle Kurt). Of course, one cannot forget chocolate tofutti cuties. Okay, enough talk of food, I've got to check my overflowing inbox.

Sucker Upper
(The Murmurs)
Wednesday, March 13, 2002
04:05 p.m.

Asexual, far from intellectual, fashion stealer, free-wheeler
Well, the board and WillTara are hopping with the news that Tara is going to be the one that dies this season. I am really wishy-washy and I'm still not sure if the rumours are true. If they are, I'm praying that someone just misconstrued something and she'll just be injured or sick. I mean, she was brain-sucked last year. It would be really silly to repeat the take-away-tara-so-will-gets-mad thing from last year. I love Tara so much, she's even cooler than Willow; it'll be horrid to lose her. Last night's ep was okay. I thought I'd react more emotionally to it, but I didn't. Willow was really darling and Tara saved the day. A good episode tainted by impending doom.

Bats her eyes to cover up her lies, she's a sucker upper, starfucker
Today, the guy from the laundry called me back. I'd called him yesterday to see if he still had job openings, but he wasn't there so I left a message. So, he called back and told me that in order to get a job, I had to turn in an application. I didn't tell him that I just wanted to know if he still had positions available, so I'm sure he thought I was a complete dolt.

And I'm gonna blow her cover
Luka, Jess, and I may go to a movie. Luka has a coupon for a free movie at Century Theaters, which means Century Rio or the new theater downtown. I don't know what we're going to see, but off I go to discuss.

Wandering Star
(Portishead)
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
10:45 a.m.

Those who have seen the needles eye, now tread,
This past Friday, at the opening ceremony for the Water in Desert Conference, I met Alix Olson. I asked her about MWMF and she suddenly turned very cold and refused to comment. It really bugged me. I felt that she could have been a bit more... I don't know. I wish she'd have at least given an opinion. Even if she totally disagreed with me, at least I could respect that she backed up her opinions. It was kind of a let down.

Like a husk, from which all that was now has fled,
The conference was pretty cool. I left after lunch because I was sick. I loved the second session; Rabbi Gottlieb did some performances of the experiences of Biblical women. I loved the way she performed as Lilith. Then, we all had some challah and danced. It was awesome. Out at the little stalls in the atrium, Jessica bought me some bathtub tea, which I'm anxious to try. (I can't right now because the hot water is out for today and possibly tomorrow.)

And the masks, that the monsters wear, To feed, upon their prey.
Yesterday, at the mall, I bought the Powerpuff Girls board game, "Mojo Jojo Attacks Townsville." It's crazy! There's the giant laser you get to fire and knock over the poor unsuspecting Powerpuff Girls. I played it yesterday with Megan, one of Jessica's friends from work. The laser is the coolest thing to hit board games since Shark Attack.

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved,the blackness of darkness, forever.
Jessica's on Spring Break, so it's been a little bit more exciting around here. Today's game plan includes driving to the laundromat for an application, the post office to mail packages to the Julies, and perhaps, the art store. I have two therapy groups today, plus a meeting with Dr. Aranella. Then tonight, it's Season 6, ep. 17. Woot!

Hotel Yorba
(The White Stripes)
Friday, March 8, 2002
09:25 a.m.

Well it's 1 2 3 4 take the elevator
It's really cold outside today. I took the bus up Carlisle to Wild Oats for my interview. However, the woman who was supposed to interview me wasn't in so I'm to call back on Sunday. They keep putting up obstacles, so I think I'm going to call the laundromat, since they're hiring. Also on today's to do list- return book to the library.

at the Hotel Yorba I'll be glad to see you later, all they got inside is vacancy
This week's Copper Lounge protest was cool, as always. What was not cool was the fact that for the entire block, the street lights were out, so it was really dark. Stephanie brought her puppy, Harper, who is the most darling thing ever. Around 8:30, someone drove past and threw a bottle at us. It shattered right at the banner I was holding. It really freaked me out. I don't understand how anyone can be so homophobic. It's just... stupid to hate people when you don't even understand them in any way.

And it's 4 5 6 7 grab your umbrella Today the Water in Desert conference starts. So, Alix Olson will be there. I talked to some of the kids at the Copper Lounge Boycott and they were really excited to see her. I tried to explain a little bit why I'm not so keen on her, but they were kind of apathetic. No one here seems that aware of MWMF policy. I try to talk to people but it seems like they don't really care.

grab hold of me cause i'm your favourite fella, all they got inside is vacancy
Yesterday, my mom and I went to the planetarium/natural history museum. We saw a few shows and an IMAX about bears. We wandered around the exhibits and such. Geologic time blows my mind. It's so hard to fathom that the earth is 4 1/2 billion years old. It's incredible. That amount of time is just incredible. I looked at the stratigraphic thing in the stair well... you think about how long it takes to form sedimentary layers, it's intense.

Jukebox
(Ani DiFranco)
Monday, March 4, 2002
11:25 p.m.

she says, leave me alone, tonight i just wanna stay home
Today was calm, pleasant, and long. I filled the tires of my bicycle at the ghetto gas station by the apartment. There's a Russian woman working in the little cage cashier thingy. She has decided that since the car wash is not working, she will not give change in quarters. I felt like an idiot figuring out how to work the air, because the camera was trained right on me. Why train the security camera on the air instead of the gas pumps? The air is free, the gas is not. Anyway. I went to the Circle R for quarters, but I bought a Starburst there so they wouldn't think I was being horrid and just patronizing their establishment for change.

she fills the pot with water and she drops in the bone
At any rate, it doesn't matter, cos when I had marched over to the laundry, there was a sign saying the water heater had busted so I couldn't do the laundry anyway. It had best be fixed tomorrow, I need clean unders.

she says, i've got a darkness that i have to feed
My first Wicca group is on Friday and I'm really nervous. Jessie says not to worry, that they'll be nice, but I'm a little shy. I'm glad it's at Luna Loca, cos the lady there is really sweet. The woman at the Mystic Bear has a bug up her arse. I don't know what's up with her. Still, she complimented me on my choice of reading material. (I got my reading list out of the book I'm using, so it wasn't my brilliant book-choosing anyway.) Still, I'm excited.

i've got a sadness that grows up around me like a weed
Tomorrow I begin group therapy. I have two classes, both on Tuesdays. I see Dr. Aranella in a few weeks and Rita (my EMDR lady) in two weeks or so. EMDR will supposedly cure me of flashbacks and nightmares. We'll see. I'm doing pretty well on the sleeping schedule. I'm actually awake during the morning, which is awesome.

and i'm not hurting anyone, i'm just spiraling in Revolution. I'm not sure what I want my revolution to be about. There is so much about this world that I want to change that it's hard to know where to stop. Firstly, I want to revolutionize my own life. I'm going to slough off old myths and edges of crusty personality that have accumulated like barnacles on my self. I'm hoping this new therapy program will help. I'm reading this book The Courage to Heal and it's really making me think. I recommend it.

as she closes her eyes and hears the song begin again
I am incredibly tired. I went out with Bartana after taking my night meds. After cruising Pussycat Video and Castle Superstore with them, shopping for their first strap-on, I am exhausted. Jessica is trying to do this magic trick but it's not working out very well. I can barely keep my eyes open, so I'm going to bed.

Good Fortune
(PJ Harvey)
Saturday, March 2, 2002
10:20 p.m.

And I feel like some bird of paradise
Right now, there is a 22-month baby girl standing next to me munching on pretzels. Her mom is over on the couch chatting with Luka and Jessica. Vada is really cute, I just rolled her up like a corn dog inside a big blanket. She's also really intrigued by the flashing red heart on a keychain that Luka gave me for V-Day. The baby actually really likes me, which is awesome. I can't wait to have one of my own. I sent Tida's present off to her a few days ago, she should have it by now. I love babies.

My bad fortune slipping away
Tomorrow I'm going to bake bread. I love doing domestic things; it's the simple things that make me happy. I just want to grow up and sit by a fireplace with a baby and a cat all curled up nearby. My house will be filled with books for my kids to discover, just like mine was when I was a baby. There'll be a cat and a labrador. I'll have a piano and a huge room for the kids to spin in circles until they fall down. I'll bake bread in funny shapes and give them chocolate rice milk and macadamia nuts. I can't wait to be a mom.

And I feel the innocence of a child
I'm really happy because Marianne and Thilo, who are like fairy god parents, are going to help me out. I met them when I was pretty little, around three. My earliest memory of them is Thilo's Birkenstocks. They used to stay by the door when they came over. I'd stand inside them and wonder how his feet got so big.

Everybody's got something good to say
Vada's got a tiny bottle of juice that I made for her. She's really proud of herself for drinking it. She's making cute baby noises. I love babies! She's even saying "thank you" in cute baby talk. I want to have a baby! I have to stop liking babies so much.

Like a gypsy, you dance in circles
Jessica got a guitar book and the stuff she plays already sounds like real songs. I'm pretty excited. She has a d.i.y. book. Perhaps I'll try it myself when I'm home alone during the day. Then again, perhaps not. I'm practically tone deaf. The radio in Jessica's car doesn't work, so we sing instead. The ruckus I make, I think it keeps the other cars away from us.

All around me, and all over the world
I only have two trump cards left, then it's off into the land of Cups. Jessica and I are both Swords, I think Luka is Wands. I haven't figured him out yet. Well, I think Vada and I are going to go play at the Powerpuff Girls website.

Silver Angel
(Helium)
Friday, March 1, 2002
11:32 p.m.

Vita, Vita Nuova, cause it feels so right
It's March, starting today, and it came in like a windy wild lion. Luka and I got up early and went to Mama's Minerals, this amazing shop run by a woman named Cristina. Luka and I got jade rings and a sphere of lapis lazuli for Jessica. Afterward, I had my NARAL meeting. We decided to present the petition against the Justice For All exhibit to the dean on Friday, in honor of National Women's Day. I stopped by Tracy's before going home, but she wasn't around so I stuck a note in her door, which was wide open.

star of your birth, baby the brand new life
Tonight, we went to Leisure Bowl. After a misunderstanding with two of Tracy's friends during an air hockey match (it was my fault and I feel awful about it now.), we split up into teams and bowled. It was pretty cool, but now we're all extremely exhausted. I taped Will & Grace yesterday so now I'm going to crawl into bed and watch it.

and the universe will move for you, That stupid curse fell through...
I really feel, inside my heart, that I can change the world. Not just in a local activist sense, but in a serious way. I believe that I can do great things. I can't waste my life mourning the loss of my innocense. I want to make the world a safe place for everyone. I don't want my kids to grow up in a place where their safety is compromised because somebody else couldn't control themselves. I want to make a world where rape is something no one talks about because it doesn't happen anymore. I want a world where incest doesn't exist, where abuse never occurs. I know I'll never see that world, but I know that I can make a world where the path to that place begins.

(WHILE WE WERE WONDERING WHAT THE HELL TO DO).
When I get back to school, I'm not going to be afraid of Women's Studies. I'm going to study hard and learn what I need to learn to become who I want to be.