damn your moodswings, damn your moodswings!
Monday, June 30, 2003
01:36 p.m.

This weekend, the three of us from ISC (minus Lilia and Suri) went to Minneapolis for Pride and picked up my stuff from John and Inky's. Jack took hundreds of pictures of the parade, Danya got sunburnt, and I saw some old friends. We actually made it back to Madison before dark yesterday, shocking, since it took us something like 7 hours on the way up, due to multiple stops. We ate in Black River Falls at some all-white bar/grill after passing up a previous exit. There, the only place to eat was a bar where you could hunt in the attached fenced-in area, deemed "a hate crime waiting to happen."

Last night Karey, Sarah, and I walked over to the Cardinal to meet Sheila, Kim, and Lilia. I got hit on by two men, one of whom danced (very badly) with. Both proferred their numbers but Sheila cockblocked for me. It was completely effective as one of the guys offered to take BOTH of us home. They were from Ghana and did not speak English very well. Also, they wore t-shirts and I do not approve of t-shirts at bars where there will be salsa dancing.

Pretty much all of QSA showed up when Sheila and I walked home. It was a long evening, ending in glorious melodrama that quickly subsided.

fighting on arrival, fighting for surivival
Thursday, June 26, 2003
01:58 p.m.

It feels like I didn't update yesterday, as though more time has passed than one day. Today it is not humid, it is slippery-cool. We finished the Popol Vuh. Last night, at midnight, Jack, Danya, Erin, and I stumbled out of the ASM office, our gorgeous SEVIS brochure completed and our fact sheet consolidated into an easier-to-read format. SEVIS brochures are available to anyone who e-mails me asking for one.

I spent the remainder of the evening riding around in Noah's car with Noah, Sheila, and Lilia. Sheila got her hair straightened and looked cute, so she wanted to go to the bars. However, the rest of us were too tired. Joyriding sufficed. I saw a lot of the outer edges of Madison that I never knew existed. Weird.

I had a good chat with Eileen last night. I may see Natalia today, though that is doubtful because we both have insane schedules. Summer is the shit.

it's the way that we rock when we're doing our thang
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
11:24 a.m.

Today is humid. This morning, pressing my cheek against Lilia's as we went our separate ways, I felt sticky and uncomfortable. Yesterday was similarly hot, but I spent the day refrigerating in the Wunk Sheek cubicle writing an obscenely bad paper.

I kept meaning to go home, as I wanted to nap and eat before working on the SEVIS fact sheet and brochure, but it was apparently not meant to be. I ended up reading the Popol Vuh on the terrace and never going home at all. I ate 1/4 a steak and some rice on Lilia's couch and fitfully slept there, dreaming that we were being arrested.

I ran into Masha yesterday on the bus. She was snippy and self-satisfying as usual. Our lives are so separated that we hadn't seen each other in a year, despite my presence in Madison for the past five months. It's strange, how people once central to your life completely and totally disappear from it. Elisabeth saw Allison on the street the other day and said she looks exactly the same. Masha looks exactly the same, those same khaki pants and black tank top. I'm starting to understand why time is cyclical.

oh i love you the most
Monday, June 23, 2003
03:50 p.m.

It is the lull of the afternoon, application carefully written, prescriptions mailed to the Southwest, phone calls completed. My copy of the Popul Vuh sits on the blue squashy couch, waiting to be read and underlined. It has been sprinkling, dotting my back with small drops of wetness.

The summer is beautiful, the heat swirling around me. My skin is turning a delicious shade of brown, I wear halter tops to let everyone see how wonderfully caramelized I have become. My hair has gotten past a difficult stage and occasionally does things of which I approve. I have the best person in class as my peer editor and my new sandals speed me the 20 minute walk home from College Library to Jenifer St.

Tonight, Popul Vuh and a meeting. Tomorrow, negotiations with airfare.

i was born by the river
Sunday, June 22, 2003
06:37 p.m.

Last night the air was cool and delicious, sliding over my skin as I rode home from Brandon's apartment. The two of us smoked cigarettes and caught up on the previous week. As I carried the bike up the front steps, I walked into the cloud of bugs which swirls around our porch light as soon as it flickers on. Sheila appeared shortly afterward, dressed in pajamas, to partake of valium and Queer as Folk. It is Pride Month, after all.

This morning, after Sheila's departure to the imports store where she alternately sleeps and smokes, Karey and I wandered town, trying on halter tops and finding epoxy. In the hot afternoon sun, Karey glued marbles onto the end table while I basked, reading deliciously non-academia. Sarah appeared a few hours later; we all walked to the co-op to buy produce. The strange woman who really likes me cornered me by the fruit leather, wanting to know more about blue doors and windowframes.

I love the summer, the dark of my skin against white lace, squirting water over my shoulders in the bath, and smoothing palmful upon palmful of coconut oil into my skin. If all goes as planned, I will be in California in only a little over a month. Sheila is applying as well, splendid.

Sheila is our home's guest of choice. This week alone, we've had her over for dinner twice, as well as QaF and multiple cigarettes on our porch swing. Last night we played Scrabble, my favorite word being "coital." She tells us stories of men, which Sarah and I swallow hungrily. Now, as the sun sets, the three of us residents scrape marbles off the table, picking flecks of epoxy off with cracked fingernails.

i wanna throw you down and put you in my mouth
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
01:51 p.m.

I spent the day with Casey Brown yesterday. We went to La Hacienda and ate chile rellenos and discussed our plan of action for our new student org. It's to be a coalition of indigenous students across Wisconsin. We sat down and outlined our goals and identified issues we wanted to work with. We'd like to have a conference in the spring and need to figure out funding, dates, and all that jazz. Casey is a strange boy. He listens to the Murmurs and sings along.

Yesterday my sister turned 15. Scary. Today I need to go to the West side and procure some identification for myself. I also need to figure out how to contact the INS for a new card.

swinging door only swings one way
Monday, June 16, 2003
11:28 a.m.

I have class in 15 minutes. I groggily showered and clambered onto the bus, shoes in hand (I didn't have time to put them on), to see Harvey. I processed, explained, and listened to his suggestions. He rebuked me for my caffeinated beverage, listened as I recounted my points of dissatisfaction, and offered me advice as I told him the story of the past 2 weeks. He proferred anecdotal knowledge and I nodded.

This past weekend was possibly the longest of my recent experience. So much happened, leaving me staring at my journal, unable to decide what to commit to paper. However, I washed every single article of cloth in my entire room, reorganized my dresser and desk drawers, and made phone calls which have been left unmade for months. My productivity enhances when I do not want to be left alone to think.

Must remind self that it is imperative to go grocery shopping.

ani, get over here, we're rentin' bound
Sunday, June 15, 2003
03:08 p.m.

Sunday afternoon? How did it come so quickly? Last night, after the high school queer theater troupe's play, I ended up at Lilia's apartment, watching Queer as Folk with L., Sheila, and Kim. Woke up this morning and after a final interlude, ran out for cigarettes and Q-doba. Lilia is now on a plane to D.C. for her EAT training.

Much in the same vein as yesterday's hangover, I will now lie on my bed, sipping at iced chai and reading David Sedaris. I spoke to Kateri yesterday, an outpouring of my self-righteously woes while my 2-year old sister danced to Bon Jovi in the background. Karey and Sarah accompanied Lindsay to Chitown so I'm assuming I have the house to myself to take an unduly long bath.

I think WiscMail is down. Cunts.

call the doctor, call the doctor
Saturday, June 14, 2003
11:32 a.m.

I am officially a filmmaker, or something. Together with Kim and Jessie*, I filmed, edited, and produced a 15 minute DVD entitled "MTV True Life: I'm Straight." It premiered in class on Thursday and the 50 or so people who have seen it have all liked it. As a result of my short's success, I'm going to be creating an hour long documentary on the experience of American Indian queers in Madison.

Life is tinged with an aching, nauseated feeling lately. I have lost some kind of direction and find myself aimlessly ambling across the landscape. I want the summer to be over, I want the year to start so I can get all the Wunk Sheek campaigns going. David and I are excited about them, Casey is jaded, and Holly, Faun, and Rianna have zero interest in anything political. Overall, I think the six of us can make the org work. One hopes.

I need to do laundry today, clean my room, and do something productive. All I really want to do is sleep off last night's festivities.

baruch ata adonai...
Thursday, June 5, 2003
07:00 p.m.

I am horrified of things paralleling each other. I generally try to avoid overanalyzing the patterns in my friendships, relationships, my own life. However, things become startingly clear each time I re-examine chronology, methodology, and my journal.

Lately, I've had a lot of headaches. I have a suspicion that this is due to my new glasses, but I am not completely sure. Time also goes more slowly. Class with David passes quickly, but time out of school drags on, achingly slow. I have no calls to wait up for, no computer to anxiously await IMs, no overwhelming volume of articles to read. The summer is slow.

I have a desire to throw off all my attachments and do things which are currently out-of-character. I am driven to stay here, to finish this degree. Sometimes I miss St. Paul, where I was not very social and spent a lot of time wandering the baby aisle in Target. I read a lot then; yesterday I re-arranged my bookshelf and was overwhelmed by the amount of books I purchased between November 2002 and January 2003.

I have been rethinking bisexuality. I do not want another Mr. Sonterre, nor do I want to be the woman who carelessly handled Lanushi Slehs. However, men, one in particular, are captivating. I need to remind myself that in my experience, that is only at a distance.

i'm the one who makes you feel good
Wednesday, June 4, 2003
06:08 p.m.

For some reason, the table at which I am sitting vibrates sharply every 10 seconds. I assume it has something to do with the computer, but I am not sure. I keep thinking my phone is ringing, though it is not.

Our new professor, David Schneer, started today. He is much better than Audrey Sprenger. He is a historian and his outlook on queer theory is fundamentally different from Audrey's sociological perspective.

I am going to Milwaukee this weekend, for the United Council's General Assembly.