Kissy Star-Cowboy

tell me what i look like!
tell me i'm a real dyke!
Sunday, July 1, 2001
12:10 a.m.

I forgot a part in my last entry. Jessica's car wouldn't start... SO SHE FIXED IT. i was blown away. she and jula tried to jumpstart it and it didn't work and so jessica did something w/ coca cola and the car worked. something was corroded or something. i have no clue. jessica did. i thought it was rawkin'. She's tough.

i don't care how fast you run
just tell me baby that when you're done
you still got cab fare home
Saturday, June 30, 2001
11:46 p.m.

Lola's running around like a mad thing. Jessica and I went to get her a collar at Petsmart today. We got her a blue one with yellow stars and a little bell. (very cute) We also got her a little can of moist food to see how she likes it. Jula gave us 2 free tokens for the instant ID tag machine. We had a little tag made that says "Lola" and our phone # and city and stuff. Lola hated it at first, cos she couldn't get at the bell, but she's used to it now.

Today feels like a great day, even though it was shitty. Jessica and I woke up pretty early. My mom came in- she wasn't shocked to see Jessica there but said that she'd knock next time. She invited us out to breakfast but we couldn't decide where to go, so we ended up not going.

Then Jessica and I went to the mall so she could get a new driver's license. (her wallet was stolen when we went to see Tomb Raider) We got there an hour before close but the damned people weren't accepting any more people cos the place was packed. We ate lunch there and I got to go to BabyGap! Yaywoo!

On the way home, I got heatstroke! Whooo! We pulled over and I puked. I haven't done that in a long time and it was horrible. When we got home, I was passing out so Jessica ran a bath and put me in it and poured water over me as well. She's so great... We took a nap and then went to the store Lola came from. Her brothers were sold so we aren't getting another kitten.

We stopped by J's house to do blah blah stuff. I don't remember what we did. Then we went to Petsmart and then we went to Applebees with Jula, Santana, and Santana's creepy friend Barbara. Okay, so she's not creepy. But she definitely did NOT like me and J. Oh well. I thought she was annoying. Feh for her. Santana thought we should meet her cos she and her gf broke up and I guess she needs a new one. Or something.

We came home and Lola had shit on the sofa. So now I have to pay to get it cleaned up and un-smellified. Lola got yelled at and pouted, but now she's okay. Jula and Jessica stayed for a bit; we played Tomb Raider I. Jessica's nearly as far as Sarah got, but not quite.

Jessica stayed after Jula and it was quite lovely. We finished off our discussion on violence/honor/etc. As we were walking out to her car, I stepped on a piece of glass and it got stuck in my foot. We had to go back in and Jessica had to fish it out with tweezers. Yuck.

So that was my day. Not thrilling. Last night Jessica slept over. We had a long talk and I had rape flashbacks. I cried and got pissed at Sean. I blame him for my break-up w/ Sarah. I hate him. I really really hate him.

My right big toe itches like fuck.

with your feral little secret
scratching at you with its claws
Thursday, June 28, 2001
02:25 p.m.

I got a kitten! Her name is Lola and she's all black with green eyes and a very very very cute meow. We snuggle and play and she is SO good w/ her litterbox. And she has itty bitty cute paws!


My baby Lola

Last night I went and saw Tomb Raider with Jessica, Luka, and Santana. Here's my review not counting the super-hottness of Angelina: why did she destroy all the artifacts???? REAL ARCHAEOLOGISTS DON'T DO THAT!!!!!!!! and the part w/ the cambodians destroying their own temple and then cheering?? That's bunk yo!

I made Tuna peacorn squishdish today- my latest invention. I am now sick. J wanted me to come over and see her tonight but my tummy hurts so much that I don't really think it's plausible.


The offensive squishdish

I didn't get any mail today.

I want that diamond, I want it so
I think that you should give me one
Wednesday, June 27, 2001
12:07 a.m.

When I was younger, I was a poet (and a prolific one at that). I used to publish and write, even though it was rather contrived. Tonight, when I have more inspiration than before, I cannot form words to express what my heart is feeling. I am wary of slipping my relationship with Sarah into the folds of my journal, but She is so amazing that I cannot live in this vestige of the past any longer.

I never want her to stop kissing me, I want to continue to float in her arms, to love, to love, to love. She brings out the best in me. She exposes the worst in me. She makes me feel completely comfortable and I know there is no way I could ever refuse her anything. She is my Jessica, she is my Love.

I went to Applebee's with Jessica, Luka, and Santana tonight. I ate a lot and afterward, we went to the arcade in the mall. Luka and I played a helicopter assault game- it had these gigantic guns. Our arms ended up extremely sore, but we very nearly beat the game. He is a much better shooter-guy than me, but it was so fun. I'm copying CDs for him today. Santana is lovely as usual.

Tomorrow is Tomb Raider day! The four of us are going. Jessica says that the soundtrack is based on a movie, based on a video game, based on boobs. Jessica likes boobs. A lot.

Am I allowed to say this? There is a certain set of them that I sometimes cry for during the night. I once thought that I would kill to defend my right to love them.

I wish the ATM hadn't eaten my card today. That sucked ass. A hell of a lot of ass.

Get that ice
or else no dice!
Tuesday, June 26, 2001
05:32 p.m.

I'm listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. I talked to Kristin (madison Kristin) today about the movie and she really didn't like it. I think it's a love-it-or-hate-it movie. She also wanted me to review Tomb Raider... sans comments on Angelina's hottness so that she can properly assess whether or not to spend $6 on it. We discussed who we think is hott. She likes guys with long hair and masculine faces. Weird.

Mail today- a note from Mariel w/ a packet of stamps and a postcard from Eliza and Alice. They're in Seattle for Ellie's family reunion; Alice is meeting Ellie's whole family. (Ellie was my very first gf, I was fifteen.) I still can't get over the fact that Alice and Ellie looks so similar. However, people are always saying the same thing about me and Jess so I guess it's not too horrid. Ugh! This gas station attendant thought we were sisters!

The package to Chandra went out, as well as two packets to Florida, Pabitra's donation, and my BIA/POI certificates to the University of Washington. Speaking of school... I'm on the third page of the damned Jewish Studies paper.

Back in Wisconsin, there were tons of queer Jewish girls... like Mindy and Bald Alexa. Sarah and I used to say that Mindy probably didn't do anything in bed but tell jokes. heehee. Bald Alexa was really hot- we had Biblical Lit together and made our dumbass GLBTCC triangles together.

I really want to have a wedding. Or a baby shower. Really badly. Oh... and songs with crackly record noises in the background are really cool. I love sound effects. THWACK!

and i'm lookin' for my door key
but you are my porch light
Tuesday, June 26, 2001
02:08 a.m.

I wrote two of my transcript request letters today. Saint Norbert charges $7 dollars a transcript. Fucken nuts. My high school (West) charges $3 for however many you want. UW-Madison gives them for free. I'll all about free. Mama ran into Bev Piro today. She told Bev that I won't be going to school in the fall. Now Mama and I are scared that Bev will revoke my BIA scholarship.

I made Chandra a package today with a bunch of weird shit in it. Hopefully, I have enough coins to mail it. I had $6 but I bought dinner today. I eat too much fast food. I don't care. Fries w/ mayo and ketchup are the best food ever.

Actually, the best food ever is Casa Que Pasa's potato burrito. I am considering relocating to B-ham for the sole purpose of eating one every now and then. I love potatoes. I also love the Indian buffet Ruthie and I went to. I remember where it is as well.

Two more days until Dr. Davis. I haven't seen him for two weeks. Then on Friday, Dr. Troxel leaves for vacation. Israel I think. Shit hits the fan. Kissy has to come up w/ 10 zillion pages of shit so she can take her exam by Friday.

Unsweetened iced tea is the best stuff.

do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon
Monday, June 25, 2001
11:37 a.m.

I can hear someone outside boarding. I was out earlier checking the mail... a good mail day! Stamps from Riot, a letter and picture from Angela, and another God letter from my uncle. He sends those everyday.

I wish I knew how to walk up to her and say- "I'm sorry." Still, I don't know how. That's not an excuse. Well, it is, but it's not a good one. I wish I could erase all the pain I caused her. I wish. I wish.

My room is a gigantic mess and I've barely started reading for the latest reincarnation of my Biblical Literature essay. Mercile e-mailed me and I have a feeling that we're going to be talking this week. I'm afraid that if I don't go back to UW, she'll make me pay back my scholarship. I can't do that. I have $0.

learn like the trees
how to bend
how to sway and say
i, i think i understand
Sunday, June 24, 2001
07:27 a.m.

I've been awake for two hours. Jessica is still asleep, rolling around on my bedroom floor. She woke up briefly to put on her pants and drink some water. I spent the early hours reading on the balcony. I love the early morning and I wish I could be awake for it more often.

Mama is still in Utah. I'm managing well. She gave me $15 for food money- I sent $5 to Pabitra for her trip to Africa and $10 to Caitlin to start paying her back for shipping me my stuff. Pab was selected for a summit and she's one of 15 people representing the United States. Yaywoo!

I think too much of myself and too often.

'course when we signed up for forever
we had no idea it was in here
Saturday, June 23, 2001
02:28 a.m.

Jessica went to bed a while ago. I'm not exactly sure when, around one o'clock. I've been playing Tomb Raider 1 these past few days. It's true, it is sad to have all 5 Tomb Raider games and never beaten a level. So, I beat the first two levels of Tomb Raider 1. The next level has the dinosaurs in it and I'm a little scared.

My mom went to Monument Valley today. She won't be back until very late Sunday or Monday afteroon. She's going to San Juan feast. She met her boyfriend last year at San Juan feast... Aww, how cute! Seriously, my mother's romantic life is most definitely boring. I do wish she had more friends though- she's so isolated. She hates it here at the apartment. I decided to do all the dishes while she's gone.

I'm feeling better, happier, as of late. Coming home was a good idea. Bern doesn't even seem highly pissed that I came home early. She and I have a phone date coming up, but I can't remember if it's Sunday or Monday. Oh well.

There are eighteen packages on teh kitchen table, waiting to be mailed to various straponistas. I mailed four or five already, but today I realized that I can't mail them when I'm broke. The packages are waiting for their owners' stamps to arrive in my mailbox.

I have to work on my paper. I will write the stupid thing. I will get my grade. I will. I will pay off the University. Maybe, if I get desperate enough, I'll get a job. Actually, I know I have to get a job, but I despise job hunting. It requires getting dressed and showered, looking nice, and carrying around my resume and that stuff. Yuck.

I want to work as an escort, but Jessica won't let me. Seriously though! I could so pay off my debts to the University. I have no qualms with selling my body. I know there are lots of other girls on S-O who think it's perfectly okay as well. Instead, I'll find some nice data entry job. I understand Jessica though. :)

I burnt my hand while ironing today. That's my health news. I really should work on the scholarship things from Fastweb. I hope I get in. I hope. I hope. I really need my future to work out this way.

I just need to finish... well, start... this paper for Jewish Studies. It was on feminist views of the patriarchal stories. However, I changed it to something much more me: archaeological evidence of judaism prior to 800 B.C.E.

I really wish Chandra and Melanie could just come over and we could hang out.

Hang up the chick habit
hang it up daddy
or you'll never get another fix
Thursday, June 21, 2001
12:23 p.m.

Seven packages neatly stacked on the kitchen table, ready to go off to Florida, New York, Wisconsin, and California. Two packages in the works- one to California and another to Wisconsin. I'm listening to Melanie's Fun Mix. Lately I'm obsessed with the Faking It one.

Clearing out my CD collection makes me feel good, getting rid of unnecessary stuff that I never listen to. I could probably get rid of all my Tori Amos singles. No one really needs so many Tori CDs. I could probably liquidate my video collection as well. "Travel light we do." That's never been me.

I suck at winning things off of soda bottles. Here's what I did not win yesterday: a PS2. Here's what I won 2 weeks ago: a free 20 oz. Minute Maid soda.

I am wearing a red dress and a Sleater-Kinney bracelet.

you were so in love
that it was all you could talk about
and i think i felt a little left out
Wednesday, June 20, 2001
10:52 p.m.

Today I wanted to run to her and hug her so hard. I don't want to think about what might really happen if I did that... but if I just saw her on the street and hugged her- would she hug me back? I'm thinking of writing her a letter but I don't know if I will.

I wrote three letters today and mailed four packages. Of course, I immediately realized I left out a part of Tracy's. No matter. I have four or five more packages to mail tomorrow anyway.

I'm working on reducing the amount of stuff I have. I'm sending many of my CDs to friends. I'm donating books to the laundry. I should go through my clothes as well. I'm far too much of a materialist.

I have to go to bed early as tomorrow is her day off. I want to spend so much time with her- this job thing really sucks ass. Still, I know that I'll have to ask her to take me to the library tomorrow. If I don't finish this project for Jewish Studies, I'll die. I need to finish it so I have a grade on my transcript, so I can send it off to Seattle. So that I can have the future that I want.

Packages Packages Packages! I should send them out in some sort of order. I have this package of Spice Girls stuff for Leah that I keep forgetting to mail. I should probably write her a letter anyway. I love mail so much and lately I haven't been getting any.

I wish that I were very thin with moth wings.

if you ask me i'll say
yes please
to you today
Wednesday, June 20, 2001
05:34 a.m.

I'm still awake. I think it's going to be sunny today. Yesterday (tues) there was a huge storm. Mama and I opened the balcony doors and hung up paintings. My mother says that I am always calmer when it's raining. Jessica called and told us of a rainbow. Mama and I ran outside and stared at it. I forgot and pointed at it. (Pueblo people are not supposed to point at rainbows, but i don't know why)

I'm clearing out my room. I have to write to my dad and beg for my things. I really need my Jewish Studies work and I'd love to have my black docs back. I should have gone there when I was up north, but I wasn't ready to do it, emotionally or financially.

My uncle keeps sending me these weird self-help letters. They're really disturbing. Last night I had one about sex and one about the Holy Spirit. He phoned me today and wanted to talk about it. Feh.

Lately I am addicted to Ani's Revelling and the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge. Okay- who doesn't love the latest issue of Rolling Stone???? Angelina... Eve... awesome. Even the article on Melissa Etheridge was pretty cool. I loved the article about the guy who made LSD. The issue I was reading when I came out to myself had an article about superflu. It scared me half to death.

I left Ukraine 3 years and 2 days ago. It seems like yesterday.

it takes two beers to remember now
and three more to forget
Tuesday, June 19, 2001
02:52 a.m.

Something is wrong in my head. I've been getting weird headaches. I might be losing weight, I'm not sure. I really want to be thinner, but I'm noticing my smaller size. When I turn my neck, my collarbone sticks out more than it should cos there's not so much covering it. When I'm in bed, it hurts to curl up, my sides protest. I'm not sure what's wrong.

I'm losing myself again. I don't know quite where my mind went to hide. I think I need to be praying.

I feel as though I am not part of my own life anymore. I am standing back and watching my life run on autopilot. Unfortunately, autopilot doesn't like relationship obstacle courses. I'm just sitting here and watching what Colette does, watching how she reacts. I don't really feel what she's feeling. I'm not Colette. I was. I just feel as though Colette and I are separate and she wants some independence from me. Only I didn't know that there were two of us. I thought there was just the one.

I'm at home. I woke up this morning feeling like: "I must leave." So I went home. I didn't think during the plane ride home, I kind of sat and stared off into space. What's wrong? I feel like I was just put in this body but the knowledge isn't there. I can't connect my thoughts with the thoughts and the memories that Colette has.

I don't know what's going on. I'm really scared.

You were my Joan of Arc
You were my Rosa Parks
You were my Joan of Arc
Oh yeah
Sunday, June 17, 2001
01:37 p.m.

I don't know where I'm going. I called Uncle Kurt last night and he'll help me work something out. I don't know what's going on right now. Yesterday I had this incredible urge to cut, to slice straight through my skin and let the blood drip down my arm.

I think I'm going mad.

Yesterday, we went to an Indian Buffet. Ruthie and I stuffed ourselves with samosas and roti and mushy peas and potatoes. I could eat there every day, I was so full, so happy. I love Indian food.

I would like to be incredibly thin and have very long hair. I should buy some bandannas to keep my hair at bay for the time being. I've been wearing Ruthie's dresses the entire time I've been here. Today is Sunday. We're going to do something exciting but I'm not sure what. I'd like to see the aquarium or go shopping for Indian clothes.

Maybe I will call my daddy.

whatwhatwhatwhatwhat
Saturday, June 16, 2001
04:03 p.m.

stuffs.
Friday, June 15, 2001
03:00 p.m.

I'm in Chicago, at Ruthie's. I am homesick.

I am also at 2 000 times more lethargic here, as opposed to home. Still, I have gone on 2 long walks and Josh and I also played soccer. Now I'm soccer-feverish again... I was looking at balls at Cottonwood on Monday, now I really want to get one. There's this black and grey one that I rather like.

I don't have anything intellectual to say. I've been writing in my journal quite a bit. My eyes feel very heavy lately. I want to curl up behind Baby Couch and go to sleep.

Someone called earlier but somehow the phone hung itself up so I didn't figure out who it was. People should really call me here.

I should call the airline and see about going home.

I want that diamond
I want that thing
Tuesday, June 12, 2001
12:41 a.m.

Today was cool, but I was really really tired throughout the entire thing and it was far too hot. The prospect of being in the humid midwest is very unappealing. However, seeing my friends will rock. I haven't started packing but I did laundry for the trip and found a bag.

N'nai Yeba came and got me today. We went out to eat at Chili's and then went shopping. He bought me a dress and a camisole; he's awesome. He also brought a present from N'nai Beaux^2- the new Tomb Raider game! I love my uncles to death. Sometimes it just hurts though, cos it reminds me of what kind of dad I could have and the kind of dad that I do.

Excellent mail today. Not only did I get the first and only piece of mail to ever reach the apartment, but my mom went to Isleta and collected the contents of our P.O. box. The apt mail was Jessika's latest zine- it's wonderful. I've been reading it all day long, whenever I'm free. The P.O. box had an evil bill from UW-Madison (mean fucks), a statement from Anne Beal (balance=$0... a chapter of my life finally fucking over), some random action thing from HRC, a new archaeology magazine, a postcard from Bern, and 2 AMAZING THINGS. 1. a package from Riley w/ a pic of Bikey Baby and a Take Back the Night Shirt (you would not believe the logo, it's so cool) and a note. He has exactly the handwriting I imagined. 2. A letter from Katryna Nields. In her handwriting. with a picture of Amelia wearing the clothes I bought for her!!!!!! I am so excited. I called Bern straight off and woke her up. Bern is great.

I won a 20 oz. Minute Maid Orange off my tea bottle-cap. Today J and I shared 2 cans of Nestea. My darks (laundry) wouldn't dry so we had to smush both my crumply old dollars into the coke machine to get quarters. I folded my laundry and only had to throw away 2 items. I decided that the clubhouse bookshelf needs better books. They're getting all my cast-off Buffy books. The clubhouse is the main building in the apartment complex. It's got the offices, the laundry, the weight room, one of the pools, the lounge, a hot tub, and a playground. Just so you know.

I should not be allowed to shop sans cash. I want everything. I love the Gap. I miss spending hundreds of dollars there so much. They have these tanks w/ little jewelly things on them- I'd normally hate them but I want one. I also need more summery skirts. My skirts are too wintery.

My nipples are sore. Ouch.

Like an idea she came to me
but she came too late
or maybe too soon
Saturday, June 9, 2001
10:18 p.m.

Tonight everyone and their mother's car alarm is going off. Then, someone paged and my mom had lost the pager and it took us about 300 years to find it. When we answered the page, it was a wrong number. ARGHHHH!

I made pasta again and I'm rather proud of myself. This time I made it completely by myself w/ no help at all. I ate all of it as well. Uh-oh.

I talked to Daddy on the phone today and he might visit when I'm up north. I also talked to Philip who demanded his "tab shorts" and something else. Daddy and Yula have redone the yard and Daddy told me about it. Apparently Jack is mowing the yard wrong again. Daddy isn't going to speak to him though. Philip got a basketball hoop. I asked for one my entire childhood and was told no. Now he gets one.

I'm on like... Day 3 w/o my glasses. I can't really see and it's really odd. Everything is decently blurry. I'm getting headaches at night because my eyes are overworking themselves.

I climbed a tree today and it was heavenly. I should climb more trees.

A great believer in the F-A-T-E
Saturday, June 9, 2001
02:40 p.m.

I'm wearing a dress, one of those works-as-anything Pueblo dresses. This one is blue w/ white lace and pink ribbon. My mom says I look nice. I would dress traditionally far more often if people in the street didn't think I was a big weirdo.

The bathwater refuses to drain. It has been in there for nearly 24 hours and completely and totally refuses to drain no matter what I do. It will not drain. I think I'll sneak into my mother's bathroom to see what her drain is up to. My Ta-Ta once told me that I am very good with my hands and that I could be a mechanic or a carpenter. Maybe.

Chi-i fell the other day. She's in her nineties so we are very worried about her. She is not doing well and had to go to the hospital. I wish Ta-Ta and Chi-i were closer so that I could take care of them better.

I have two new pairs of stockings. The cheap kind that you get at the grocery store. Well, they're not even stockings really, but knee highs. I need feminine shoes. If I ever get rich, I'll get shoes. Right now, I have 3 pairs of shoes: 1. teva sandals 2. sketchers trainers 3. brown docs that are 2 sizes too big. I really need feminine shoes as my wardrobe gets femmier by the minute. Maybe when I'm in Chicago I'll force Ruth to let me wear her shoes!

I've added tons of people to my friends' list. I could be like Angelina and put asterisks by the new ones but I'm far too lazy. Far too lazy.

Southern Girls
You got nothing to lose
Friday, June 8, 2001
01:50 a.m.

It's nearly 2 and I'm still awake. I'm very awake, actually. Fuckwits in my apartment complex were throwing rocks at my window. My mother and I hate the new apartment. We want to be back in Isleta really badly, but we have to deal w/ this lease. Also, it was so hard moving that I don't think anyone wants to do it again.

There was a thunderstorm tonight. I love rain more than any other phenomenon of weather. At Liz Waters, part of the cafeteria was an atrium. In the early fall, the red red leaves would fall on the glass and stick when it rained. Madison is beautiful in the fall.

My eating disorder is coming back. In a major way. I'm not quite sure if I want to deal with it or not. I'm at a healthy weight now so no one will notice for a while. My mother will want me to eat. She's so nervous about me eating that she asked me to make a list of things I refuse to eat. Here goes:

1. eggs
2. fish
3. shellfish
4. pork
5. fritos
6. mutton
7. maruchan ramen
8. shrimp
9. green beans
10. lemongrass

Curious Moon, shine tonight
make this dark world of truths bright
Thursday, June 7, 2001
05:45 p.m.

Today during therapy, I was watching the clock and waiting to leave. I've never done that before. Well, I watch the clock and dread leaving. Now, I just want to get the hour over with and run back out into my life. Today I had an urge to steal Dr. Davis' books. He has such cool books. Well, Physician's Desk Reference isn't that cool.

I keep falling asleep in odd places. It's hard to stay awake. I think I was falling asleep on the phone last night, I swear I must have fallen asleep. The other night I fell asleep w/o the lorazepam. I don't know if that means anything or not.

Dr. Davis agrees that I need to leave New Mexico, take a vacation, go somewhere to rest for a while. Not too long or I'll miss my computer and go insane. Kristin and Chandra are checking if I can go there and I'm still trying to reach Ruth, who is gloriously fucking Max at every possible moment. Anyway, I have to get my tickets and figure something out. Perhaps I should call Katie Kaput... I need somewhere to stay in Chicago before I get picked up and whisked away...

Here's what I want to happen:

Dear Dana,
Go away.
Love,
Kissy

you think you're not worthy
i have to say i agree
i'm not worthy of you
&you're not worthy of me
Monday, June 4, 2001
07:06 p.m.

And my desperate fear of intimacy strikes again. Or something. I've crawled out of a placenta, into an arena where all the world is watching me step. Yes, I am a slut. Yes, I keep secrets to myself. Yes, it is completely and totally possible to love more than one person at a time and not find any of them to be lacking in any way.

Here I am, on the eve of my life. Jess says that I am very mature today. That thinking of what I need before what other people want for me is mature. Here I am, ready to leave behind the misconceptions of the past 5 years.

I don't need to go to college. I can be a writer. I don't need to spend my money learning things I don't fully want to learn and am not that great at anyway. I know I'll go back, but I don't have to. Nobody is forcing me.

I will spend the summer working my ass off. I don't care if it's some shithole dead end job, but I'm going to make some fucking money. Then, I'm going to load up what I need in my backpack and a duffel bag and head west. Out West.

So, are you going to condemn me for leaving a relationship or are you going to congradulate me for being true to myself? Bern says that we'll break our hearts 80,000 times. That means that we've got to break other people's hearts too, right?

If you want inside her girl
you'd better make her raspberry swirl
Monday, June 4, 2001
01:29 a.m.

I think my entries are beginning to border on the mundane. Wait- border? Did I say border? They've always been mundane! Phew. Now I don't have to worry about spicing up my pitas.

1 month anniversary today. I have a poem and lovely lovely lovely pictures of the two of us. I gave her a vase with 3 purple irises and a carton of fresh organic raspberries.


Colette (r) and her Jessica.

I am exhausted. My mom brought in my valium about an hour ago and I downed them right away. I am so ready to sleep.

Baby Baby
Ain't it True
I'm immortal
When I'm with you
Saturday, June 2, 2001
11:43 p.m.

In order to write this entry, I have to breathe and let that breath move through every single cell in my body, to introduce calm into myself. Inhale until my lungs are filled with oxygen, do not exhale, hold, hold until what is nourishing is what is lethal. Now. Now I am ready.

Daddy's in the bleachers
Calling out my name
Friday, June 1, 2001
11:17 p.m.

Today has been wonderful. I slept and slept and slept until I was completely ready to get out of bed. Then, I shaved my legs and got all clean and put on a dress. Jessica and her mom took me to lovely lovely openings.

Sometimes there is so much loveliness boiled inside of me that I can't make words to express what I am feeling. I was telling J about how I want to tell Sarah so much, to show her how alive I am. In retrospect, I don't think I used very good images. I talked about wanting to throw a ball of dirt to Sarah. In my head it's a wonderful thing, but it sounds kind of mean when I say it.

Today J and I were propositioned on the street. This guy pulled up to the curb... it was so bizarre. I wish Viva could have been there cos she would've laughed with me afterward. Viva sent me this conversation a few days ago. She was talking to this transphobic prick. I want to bash his head in. NO ONE TALKS TO VIVA LIKE THAT. hear me? yeah. I tried to call her tonight but she was sleeping.

Today I want to say hi to Ruthie's friend Rachel. I have never talked to Rachel but anyone whom Ruthie thinks so highly of has got to be wonderful. I miss Ruthie. Max has stolen her away and they're having love-love-love sex with kitchen utensils and writing implements!

hey- everyone write me letters! if I didn't give you my new address, e-mail me!! (cmhumphrey@students.wisc.edu)

I go out walking
after midnight
Friday, June 1, 2001
01:17 a.m.

My brother is an absolute monster. He locked me, Jessica, and Santana out of the apartment. He then fell asleep and could not be woken up. We had to call the non-emergence police and have the firemen break into the apartment and the paramedics checked out Philip. I haven't been so scared in a long time. The worst thing was- Philip's mad at me for waking him!!

Today has been cool as all of the furniture in my room is set up- except for the table extension of my cupboard. (which I refuse to attach anyway) Both the computers are online, hooked up the printer, etc. My room looks okay- completely unlike it's my room but it's all good. I really miss all my postcards, posters, lanterns, globes, tapestries...

Jessica has now seen the way I behave during an emergency. I love her.

Picture by JDS