peel me a grape
Monday, July 28, 2003
05:06 a.m.

Sara took me to see Whale Rider today. I cried. I also think the man who played the grandfather was my medicinal plants professor @ UofI. After the movie, I procurred new thongs, a strapless bra, some jeans, and a black shirt. We drove to Cross Plains and took idiotic photos. Sara, that picture of me on the hood of the car is not at all appropriate; it is too embarassing.

When certain people are oddly distant on the phone, it makes me nervous and I end up being awake at 5:09am wondering what they were doing. Despite my hatred for telephone conversations, I spent over 3 hours on the phone today. Disturbing.

Queer as Folk accompanied by artichoke/black olive/pesto pizza is a wonderful way to end a weekend. Sitting in Memorial Union for 6 hours is not a good way to start a weekend.

dreamweaver, kittens & congress
Friday, July 25, 2003
11:27 a.m.

I'm in my Dreamweaver MX workshop, getting skills to make my CAIS (and personal) page the shit. CAIS will be on the Wunk Sheek server; right now the Wunk Sheek site looks horrid. Dave is supposed to be working on it, he's getting paid to work on it. I think if my CAIS page goes well, then in the spring, I can get elected into Dave's position. The ISC is the shit. Jack has been working on it. The content isn't up, but the layout is and it looks awesome. I know everyone is now eagerly anticipating my CAIS site for the fall. You're going to have to wait. Suckers.

Last night, sleeping fitfully on a mattress in Casey's living room, I had a really disturbing dream. I was at Casey's and I found a pile of tiny kittens under a ribbon shirt on his couch. They were tiny, but their eyes were open and they had tiny little legs; they were the same sort of cat as the one that frequents Orton Park. They were so tiny though! They kept falling and dying. There were mice too; Casey had a huge dog that kept killing the mice and leaving them by the pile of squirmy kittens. I woke up with one of those "I didn't take my medication" headaches and the dream spinning nauseatingly through my head.

I leave for the USSA Congress on Tuesday morning. Everyone's advice is spinning around me. Sharon Lee says, "if anything, network network network!" Lilia tells me not to run for anything but to use the trip as a learning experience. I want to run for Advisory Council, not the board, but I highly doubt Lilia and Pabitra would support that. Mostly, I'm just excited to meet other indigenous organizers and learn from them. Then, Casey and I will be able to make CAIS more effective, using other orgs ideas/tactics.

Enough campaign talk. I'd better get back to paying attention to my workshop.

what a difference a day makes...
Sunday, July 20, 2003
02:42 a.m.

It's nearly 3am and I have neither slept, worked on the charts for work, or done my paper for AIS. Productive. Instead, I spent the day with Casey Brown. We went to the Dells pow-wow, where he made up an unending string of Indian jokes. At times I cannot think what women see in him, but I imagine he is different in a romantic setting. He is comprised of all my least favorite qualities in myself, exacerbated and oddly masculine. As it has been said, Casey is what I would be if I were a man, and hot. Or maybe- I'm what Casey would be if he were a girl, and... not hot?

I need to pick a good time to go home. I have to tell my father on Monday so he can purchase plane tickets. The summer is nearly over and I am ambivalent about the fall. I have two classes which will kill me, plus an ASM internship and a job. Then, Casey and I are starting this new org.

It would take forever to bead leggings. I pondered why people bead leggings for children when they outgrow them faster than one can bead. Apparently, this is why people have many children- to get the most out of those tiny, heavily beaded leggings. I am not a position to accidentally fall pregnant; having children w/o a man physically present is so complicated that I will probably only have one. If I use Casey, I hope the kid looks like him but acts like neither one of us. I am afraid the kid would act like both of us and be the most obnoxioius thing ever born onto this earth. (Well, discounting a certain ex...)

note to self: start beading leggings now to save time & reduce need for herd of children. one will be enough.

stay away from the haunted heart
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
11:54 p.m.

This color scheme is bad. However, it is so far into the month that I feel obligated to keep it. Besides, I like pink and brown. If I had thought out my design better, I think this month's template would have been more of a success.

The month is more successful as time goes by. My personal shit is clearing up, is even looking exciting. I stopped by Brandon's today, to smoke & drink a raspberry latte (why does he drink such odd drinks?) and "discuss." We are ruthlessly critical, which I love. I rode Annie's bike home in the dark. She's in Pittsburgh until Thursday. We are getting along better since she realized that my technologically advanced room can be beneficial. Suddenly, as she uses my printer more, I can use her things too. Weird. Karey and I are excited about our upcoming yard sale, even though I keep buying everything she's selling. Oh well.

I finished the Sherman Alexie book I was reading. Casey is lending me the new one, I'll read it on the airplane.

waiting by the gasoline pump for me!
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
12:07 a.m.

Remarkably, I got nearly everything I wanted accomplished today. Now, I'm sitting in my red Wunk Sheek shirt, having finished reading tonight's section of "Shell Shaker." Sue and Tass took me out tonight, shopping for Congress @ Target, Gap, and Victoria's Secret. They spoil me and give me things I don't deserve, things my mother could never give me. I tell my mother of Sue's gifts and feel guilty, because I know my mother wishes she could give me these things. Mama sent me last week; that money has to last for a while. At home, it would. I wish I could teach myself to live as I do at home, quietly.

I had breakthroughs in therapy today. I talked about closure, about my tendency to make the women I admire infallible, about learning to see my intense admiration as a projection of what I need them to be. We talked about my lack of self-esteem, about my sadness that I am far from home, about love jaded and lost. People are placed in my life to teach me about myself. I am learning.

Lordisa, I sound melodramatic. I think it's cos I'm on my moontime.

it is a good day to die!
Monday, July 14, 2003
11:33 p.m.

passing, don't forget to ask her
Monday, July 14, 2003
12:47 a.m.

Sometimes, the world gets to be a bit much. Tonight, I curled up on Sarah & Karey's bed with Sarah and cried. We talked for a while about the people in our lives and their relationships to us and to each other. Last Sunday night, Sarah and I went grocery shopping together and laughed as I taught her Cadallaca songs. I will miss living with her so much. However, I just changed my housing assignment to a single, which is fabulous. I was terrified of having to live with some scary white girl from some little town like Milton or Waupun.

The books I have been reading lately are powerful. I read Alice Walker's The Way Forward is with a Broken Heart today; it was so delicate, but so strongly written. The book we're reading for class is intense too. I keep underlining things for myself, instead of for the class. It's called Shell Shaker, and it's about the women in a Choctaw family.

I like the default font on my new PowerBook. Sara has been teaching me to deal with Macs so the transition from Haven has been getting easier to deal with. (I have a new 17" PowerBook G4.)

I rented Sherman Alexie's movie The Business of Fancydancing today and watched it. I have so much to say about it, but it'll have to go in a new entry. I have an appointment in 9 hours and 23 minutes.

she was an independent girl.
Friday, July 11, 2003
01:10 a.m.

Today has been so full that I can't really remember what happened today and what happened yesterday. I went to the Board of Regents meeting this morning. I took a midterm. I talked to Dr. Hill for an hour. I worked on ISC stuff. I went to an SEVIS Fee Advisory Committee meeting. I talked to LuoLuo. I worked on stuff in the Wunk Sheek office. I saw Sherman Alexie speak. I met with Sherman Alexie afterward. I spent time with Kat. I talked to Sara for 1 1/2 hours. I talked to Pabitra about my direction with organizing. Basicallly: a long day.

Sherman Alexie: He said some really powerful things about being a representative of your tribe. He spoke about how other Natives will admire you for your accomplishments, but the people from your rez will always be resentful. I don't want to be resented. I want to learn to be a leader while I'm getting my education so I can go home and lead my tribe. I met a Lumbee girl who knows my old AISES crew & was really close to my cousin James! Kat & I had an awesome talk on the way home about being a Native woman and the responsibilities that entails. We also had a good discussion about interracial dating, whether it be POC + POC or White +1.

I am becoming increasingly excited about organizing and learning to overcome my personal obstacles. Pabitra asked me how my personal life was, but I didn't say anything because she is probably in the top 3 inappropriate people to confide in. Eileen and Emily have been there for me. They are good at it, because they know all involved but are also removed enough from the immediate situation to be objective and not let their feelings for the people involved color their opinions too drastically.

I am having a very NDN day. Sometimes, the high I get from being around other Natives makes me want to say "FUCK EVERYONE" and abandon all other activism that is not specifically Indian. Luckily, this feeling usually passes within minutes, but serves as a good reminder that before I am an activist, I am Pueblo. And my people must always, ALWAYS come first. The responsibility of being a future leader of Isleta or San Felipe needs to come first. I will go and there will be thousands of student leaders, but there will only be a handful of Pueblo people with degrees. I must remind myself that I need to always keep my people in mind.

GIMME A HOUSE, GIMME A ROOM
Wednesday, July 9, 2003
09:27 p.m.

It's an odd thing, when you are hyper-aware of the transgressions of your own behavior. I have this sinking, metallic feeling in my stomach, knowing I'm a little shit, and wishing I could figure out how to make things okay. I always feel powerful emotions in my stomach. Apparently other people do too, because there are cultures that consider our concept of "heart" (the emotional core kind, not the organ) to be in the stomach.

I am bad at staying hydrated. I am also bad at remembering to pee. I hate other people hearing me do it. Karey & Sarah's room is right next to the bathroom so I avoid going when they're home. At the ASM office, there is not bathroom on the floor, so one needs to go downstairs. This is apparently to hard for me to do so I just... don't do it.

I just realized I forgot something on the bulk mail labels and will now have to re-label 200 envelopes. FUCKING SHIT.

i am a patriot, and i am fighting the good fight
Saturday, July 5, 2003
11:59 a.m.

It's beyond me why it's so early and I've done so much. This morning, Sarah, Karey, and I drove home from our holiday camping trip with Minta, Michelle, and their friend Sheila. Briget and Flinsch visted as well, but didn't stay the night. We went to the nude beach, where we were attacked by viscious, bloodsucking mosquitos and got sand in places where sand should never, ever be. Last night we stayed up late talking, drinking, and watching the stars. It was beautiful and I can't wait to go camp again. This week has been long, but nice. Sue took me to Sai Bai Thong on Thursday and also to Old Navy for a huge shopping spree. We had some good conversations and I came home in the heat to hang out with Sheila while she did her laundry at my house. The humidity was absolutely overwhelming (why the fuck did I move back to the Midwest?? Or stay for the summer?) but Eileen and I went to a party anyway. I trekked home around 2am. I talked to my sister, who left this morning to drive from Amherst to her new school, Phillips-Exeter, in New Hampshire. She's fucking brilliant and I'm incredibly proud of her. Now she's at prep school, living it up in a single room (the bitch!). Pip's at my summer alma mater, Education-Power Workshop, at Saint Norbert College in northeast Wisconsin. It being early, the mail is not yet here. I've finished off my leftover curry and am off to see what the day has in store.

i choose to celebrate the first
Tuesday, July 1, 2003
04:10 p.m.

Today is hot and gloriously non-humid. I'm taking a break from getting the letters ready to send to the lawyers for the ISC. I actually figured out Mail Merge! Hot. Shit. Now I just have to stuff the envelopes, seal them, and find Brady to mail them bulk-style. Last night, Sheila, Lilia, Karey, Sarah, and I went to Jolly Bob's for drinks and fried plantains. We chatted, smoked, and drank wonderfuly frosty drinks. Everyone went home tipsy and laughing. It was a nice time, though I wish Kim had been there. Well, time to get back to work.