shots of resignation
Tuesday, July 31, 2001
07:58 p.m.
Sometimes I really really hate my life. I wish I had a car. I really do... But I'm so scared of driving, etc. Jessica has pinky-promised that we'll go to Petsmart tomorrow. You should see how grown-up we are! We made burritos today with toppings as well! We also went grocery shopping with Mommy's food money. She and Maga went on vacation for a week so we'll have to make our own food, etc.
I quit Wendy's... or Audrey quit Wendy's for me. Yayyy Audrey!!! Seriously, I love my friends. Audrey is awesome, Ruby is so much fun, Erica Ruth is just rawkin, and Viva is wonderful as always.
Lola had a package in the mail! It was from Purina, who sent her a CD, an emergency sticker so the firemen know we have meows, and a kitten care booklet. They also sent a 75 cents off coupon for Purina Kitten Chow but they don't eat it cos it's not good for their itty little tummies. Greta is being absolutely darling, as usual.
I will be on board!
Saturday, July 28, 2001
05:56 p.m.
Tierza is awesome! La la la! Sta-Sta-STEVIELOVE! Tierza met some girl who doesn't think Tegan & Sara are hott! Can you believe that? Isn't that just wrong???
After actually reading that MOFO Under 21 group e-mail, I realized that Kira was wearing a black dress and fuschia tights that night cos she was reading radical feminist poetry!!! Kira? hahahahahahahahaha!
I saw Luka today at the mall when Mommy and I went there for lunch. He was wearing a blue shirt. He looks handsome in blue shirts, they make his eyes look lovely. I am so proud, happy, and thrilled that he got the Old Navy job!! Even though I am still mad at Old Navy for not letting us change in the aisles instead of the changing rooms.
In case things with Jessica don't work out, I have decided to marry Julie. No wait, I haven't. That would be WAYYYY too much energy. I'll marry... oh nevermind. If I can't marry Jessica, then there's no point in getting married.
When does that little punk get home from Staples bo Baples?
ughhh
Saturday, July 28, 2001
05:52 p.m.
life is a poop dog. yesterday at work, grease got splashed on me so i had to go to urgent care and now i have a big bubbly toe thing on my arm!! OW! of course, i didn't even get to go to the hospital, only urgent care, so no one sent me cards and flowers. all i got was this durn burn.
lola and greta are now eating Nutro Max kitten. my arm still hurts. ow ow ow!
in other news, i lost my MOFO glasses! here's what- i cleaned my ENTIRE room looking for them. and they're not in here. POOP DOGGGGG!
a kiss on the hand may be quite continental
but diamonds are a girl's best friend
Thursday, July 26, 2001
10:49 p.m.
I have no idea what's going on in my mouth. I've had three canker sores in the past week. This hasn't happened since eighth grade at Saint Norbert. I remember being in extreme pain throughout the science trip to see Apollo 13. (Daniel and I both got in at kids' prices and we were embarassed.)
I'm still absolutely thrilled about Erica moving here. Everytime we talk, we discover something new and awesome we have in common. Neither one of us thinks we look Jewish- but we're both convinced the other does! I love how we're so similar in our connection to Judaica... and music... and everything else. I can't wait until she gets here.
Sometimes I wish there were an easier way to live my life. I wish I could have a house with my friends nearby. Tierza and I really could make artichoke pizza and plov'! Viva and I could work on our gunslingerina zine, Angelina and I could go shopping, Sara and I could hang out and laugh.
Talked to Jessie again today. She's still welding circles at that factory. Her sister is on bed rest until the kid is born. Jessie's interested in shamanism and witchcraft- as usual. I also spoke to Allie! She called me. We talked about our problems and relationships and stuff. I love talking to her, but honestly... I can't handle her for more than five minutes at a time.
Lately Lola thinks the ironing board is her personal rest spot. Oh well. Greta's getting big- she can climb onto the window sills! She's much more active now that she's growing and eating more.
Shalom!
the carnival of you and me
is coming to town
watch how we spin and spin
and then fall down
Wednesday, July 25, 2001
08:23 p.m.
Okay, so Sara said I should update... and decide to become left-handed. Well- in eighth grade at Aldo Leopold, we had to do reports. My friend Oriana did hers on self-mutilation, Sherrie did hers on the YMCA, and I don't remember anyone else's. Mine was on left-handedness. I did experiments, showing pictures of hands in different positions to see whether right handed people or left handed people could decipher them more quickly. I also tried to change my own handedness. As a result, I can do a lot of things with both hands. I always wanted to be left handed. My cousin Renita, Masha, Sara, and Karen are all lefties. Maybe Jas is, I forget. So is my friend Cheryl from middle school, and another friend, Betsy, from fifth grade in De Pere.
I have an odd feeling in my stomach, that something is going to happen. I don't really want to leave the house, or do anything that might put me in danger. Perhaps my paranoia is returning. I'm not sure.
Why is it that so many girls like the host from the Weakest Link so much? I don't find her that attractive! Of course, I'm thrilled about Angelina's new movie, Original Sin, as it's supposed to be softcore. Let's home they don't show too much of Antonio Banderas. I also want to see The Princess Diaries.
My mom is allergic to grapes. Just in case you were wondering if you should bring my mother some grapes.
Max and Ru broke up. She confirmed it. I haven't talked to him yet. Which couples are still intact? Only Ace and Zeeb, Sadie and Jess.
I'm still thrilled about Erica coming and it's not even for a month!!! xkoshercorex!! We're going to have so much fun, I'm really excited. I really miss having other rocker grrls about, other people I can relate to on grounds I am used to. Finally, someone with a normal taste in music!
Sara sent three pictures, images of the past. One of them has me, smoking a tampon, Karen, sitting and staring at me, and Sarah, at the computer (probably playing Snood or manipulating the playlist). It's a view of the fall, something I had forgotten. The other has Karen, Sara, and Sarah at one of Karen's concerts. Odd that- probably something that will never be replicated.
Mercile contacted me today. Maybe I should return to Madison in January. I've been thinking... do I want to start over? I'm not sure if I want to anymore. I don't want to return to the scene of 2-year stint of breakdowns. I don't know what I want anymore.
I know what kind of love this is
Monday, July 23, 2001
01:17 p.m.
Jessica went home an hour ago. I should go put my laundry in the dryer, but I'm a lazy ass. Also, I don't have any quarters. (This is my can of quarters!) I really miss my J.D. already. Is that dumb? We spent a day and a half apart... technically two days... and it was horrible. Am I becoming too dependent? I don't think so, it's not at all the way that I needed Sarah for myself... I need J.D. and I hope she needs me too. I love her, she's my soul, my heart, my everything.
Work is a poop dog. I don't mind that terribly. I have already earned enough for a Drinkwell. Also, I plan on taking my Jess out to dinner and spoiling her half to death for all the goodness she has bestowed on me over the past three months. After she left today, I looked up and saw that her gel is back. My baby love is living here again, after several nights at her mom's. Isn't this a sickeningly sappy entry?
Ta and Lola are sleeping god-knows-where. They are growing so big. We took them to the vet on Friday and Lola got a shot. She weights 2lbs. 14oz.!!! Our baby, Greta Devorah, is only 1lb. 4oz. They're eating more now, especially Greta. I'm proud of my darlings.
Erica is moving here!!! I'm so thrilled... it will be fucken' RAWKIN to have another straponista here... let alone a rock n roll grrl who is also a jew!! we are really similar in our beliefs and appreciation of the culture- I'm so excited as we're going to temple together. It will be so much fun to have another Jew here.
I searched for my name on Google the other day. I got a thing back about NASON. Ready for the shameless self-promotion? Here goes! There was an article mentioning me!
NASON is usually limited to Washington residents, but this year, an exceptionally bright 13-year-old girl came from Wisconsin.
"She takes high school and college courses already," Johnson said.
That would be me!!! I miss NASON so much. It really changed my life. I grew up so much, being in Seattle. If I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have met some of the most important people in my life today. I wouldn't know my baby sister Tida! I wouldn't have Kateri, the woman who has loved me more than anyone else, always forgiving and amazing.
Me with Kateri on Mt. Rainier, July 1996 (picture by RJP)
the top of my head itches.
Thursday, July 19, 2001
12:23 p.m.
Dear God... I'm finally updating. Last night Jessica and I had a conversation about weird people we have secret crushes on. She likes Marky Mark. I like Fran Drescher. Don't tell! She's off work today, but probably still asleep. I've spent the morning working on adoption papers and staring at my toe. The girls are being darlings and Lola is actually grooming little Tata.
I had so much to say! I forgot it all... damn darn damn! Jessica bought Uno for us and we played a few games. Ooh! And we started watching Auntie Mame! We're very nearly done at this point. I love that movie so much! Jessica is such a wonderful love. She may quit stinky Staples. I do hope so! We are secretly in love- don't tell! We have been fighting a lot lately. It's like a replay of the end of my relationship w/ D.
Dear lord... doot doot doot! DOT! tomorrow is 8 Northern and the kitten's appt. w/ the doctor. 8 Northern! Whooop! 8 Northern! Whooooop!
I don't practice Santeria
Saturday, July 14, 2001
12:39 a.m.
We went to Insomnia tonight. I saw Kira but didn't speak to her. She ran off to the park and disappeared. What a poop dog! The music was crap and the coffee only took like... 30 years to be ready. I downed my raspberry mocha in 2 minutes flat.
Jessica and I went to Petsmart today and I got 15 thingers of cat food. Hurrah! Courtesy of Friskies. Oh... and my darling bought me STABILO PENS!!! .4s... ohhh, heaven, heaven! I remember the first times I bought my own- once at Britbooks on my street and then on Yasochka. I swear, I spent 1/2 my money at Yasochka on pens and pencils for my drawings. They all featured scaled creatures and hands with eyes in the center. Sasha really influenced me, but I think I came up with the massive quantities of lizards on my own.
I've started research for my crap-assed JS exam. Ewww. Does anyone really care that much about Kings and Samuel? They're like... dead boring. I'm all about Esther, Ruth, and Judges 4-5. Personally- they're the best books in the Hebrew Bible. Oh and psalms... particularly Psalm 23. And in the new testicles, I like anything w/ Mary Magdalene and the Christmas story.
I cruelly shoved a nose ring into my poor little nosie today. JD brought me 3 new star nose rings so I have to train my nose again. My lippy needs a new ring as well. I'm dead sick of this one. J and I discovered our mutual secret fascination w/ bad daytime talk shows. Sally's boot camp colonel is SO tougher than Rikki Lake's!
Julie is the coolest person here. Seriously, she reminds me of really cool people I can never quite be like... like Allison who goes to Orthodox services at Hillel w/ me. She's one of those girls who has all the songs and chants memorized. And she always looks hot. Anyway, Julie rawks. Dead seriously. Tana and Barbara are darling as usual. Tana is so adorable!
It has been brought to my attention that I am very violent towards things I find cute. I want to squeeze them and squash them and stuff. Speaking of cuteness, my girls are ever so DARLING! I love them so much, so much. I really wish they could hango ut with Scrappy.
My latest idea is that Nicole Kidman and I should have lots of sex. What do you think? Angela, you don't have to answer.
Santeria is apparently some weird religion. Okay.
Yes I know it's hard
Keeping the wheels turning
Friday, July 13, 2001
02:58 a.m.
So, it's 3:00am. Jessica is fast asleep on the bed. She's so darling when she's sleeping. Ta and Lolie are in the bathroom. (J and I made spaghetti about 1/2 an hour ago and they have to go in there or they eat our food.)
La la la ex-girlfriends. Mariah, J's most recent ex, is back in Albuquerque. She called tonight less then a minute after... She sounds really fun and cool but J doesn't want me to talk to her. I'm not really worried. We talked about what if Sarah were here. I have no clue how I would react. I haven't seen her since we broke up. literally.
Tomorrow J has the day off. I'm promised an outing as I finished my fuckin' JS paper. I'd rather just stay in and cuddle all day. It's too hot though. Maybe I can get her to take me to Petco. I am such a fuckwit sometimes.
I'm so sleepy. It's past 3 now... feh feh feh. I have a job interview at 2 on Tuesday. Do I want to go? Not particularly.
Lauf Lauf Bitte Bitte!
Thursday, July 12, 2001
08:57 p.m.
Lola and Greta went out on the balcony for the first time today! I got them harnesses (in keeping w/ their collars- blue for Lolie and purple for Ta) and leads and they played out there for an hour. (I was there with them the entire time, don't worry!) The girls also got a real litter box today! It's nice and fancy and they really like it.
Well, I was gonna write more... but Jessica's off work now and I should get offline so she can call.
Nobody knows but God
sometimes even he doesn't bother
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
10:19 p.m.
Tonight I really miss her. I'm not sure what it is. Listening to Ani with Barbara? I don't know. I've been missing her a lot lately. I wish she were here sometimes, I wish I could just call her up and say "hey! wanna get chinese and watch TV?" It's not just her, it's everyone. I miss my friends. I'm really lonely here. It's not like I don't have contact with people: I have a girlfriend and the people I know through her. Still, I feel as though I do not belong in any way.
My rage is reappearing. More and more I find myself wishing I could kill, that I could punch someone and knock them out. Luka told me last week that there's no waiting period on handguns here. Since then, I've been toying with buying one. I'd like the feel of a pistol in my hand, the thought of it in my drawer.
My brain is settling back into its old thought patterns, though they are slightly modified. My stomach flinches when I eat; I am starting to think that I should stop eating again. Sometimes I think of the cool of an exacto-knife against my skin. I don't know what is bringing these feelings on, but I am unhappy.
I need a change. Something monumental. A change of scenery, a change of lifestyle. When I finish my JS class, I'll be completely free to do as I please. I feel so tied down lately. I know I should get a job to get some cash, but I don't have the patience. I'm unwilling to stay here much longer. I'm not scheduled to leave New Mexico until January, but I'm seriously considering striking it out on my own before then.
Maybe Kateri would take me in. I could watch my sister for her. I don't eat much, especially when I'm up there. They have lots of room and I already have my own room there. I'm just throwing ideas around. Or Germany, I'd love to go to Germany and stay with Marianne and Thilo or with Klaus and Wilma.
My body is consumed with anger. I should just pack up my kitties and my journal and go somewhere. Why am I so angry lately?
Don't you remember what happened
39 Orange Street
Monday, July 9, 2001
01:50 p.m.
It's two pm on a Monday- one of my favorite days of them week because I get mail! It comes right after no-mail Sunday so when I check the box on Monday, I'm doubly excited. Today I had two God letters from my uncle, and a letter from Jess S. with two zines!! Today is turning out well so far. My baby sister woke me up early this morning begging for a recipe for sopapillas. Ughhh! I fell asleep on the floor in the living room.
Santana and I went out to lunch. It was brief as she had a voice lesson. Barbara teased us and stuff. Everyone at Village Inn knows each other! It's so crazy!! I am looking into a job. Ironically, the only job openings in Albuquerque seem to be in food. I hate food. Oh well.
I got my period. blehhh! I have sworn allegiance to o.b. non-applicator tampons. I'm sure Jess Mummy hates this as she's very anti-tampon and stuff. Jess Mummy is the coolest person I know. Seriously, she's intelligent, funny, witty, assertive, lovely... all that good stuff.
Jessica and I are a darling couple. Everyone agrees, right? She's been staying here and we refer to the apartment as "home." Today we're going grocery shopping and doing laundry. I am so happy, being a little homemaker. (I'm wearing grey dress pants, a pale pink tank top, and an apron!)
The kittens are doing really well. They hate Barbara cos she's mean to them. At least I think she's mean to them! Greta scares me half to death cos she likes to hide. They're so darling, sometimes I want to pick them up and eat them! (yeah, I know!)
Hey people- sign my guestbook!
All I know is
when I called, you came
I have known you by 100 names
Saturday, July 7, 2001
01:54 a.m.
Well. Lola has a baby sister. Her name is Greta. She's much much smaller than Lola. Lola hates her. I brought Greta home so that Lola could play with her. Everyone says they'll get along eventually. I hope so. Lola's turned into super-bitch kitten. She scratches Greta, chases her, eats her food, all that stuff! Lola's in the bathroom right now. Greta's out here playing. I have to get used to the two litterbox/ 2 food dish/ 2 bed / 2 everything system. Greta is so tiny that I have to watch her all the time. She can barely jump and gets stuck behind the furniture A LOT.
This is Baby Greta Devorah, playing with her ball
Greta and Jessica's shoe. My gross sandal's in the background.
Greta hardly weighs anything. Lola is turning into a giant! She's eating so much- I'm really happy. They eat Eukanaba dry food. Greta has her collar and tag- we got them before we picked her up. We didn't want her to feel left out because Lola has hers. Greta's is lavendar. Same tag. Only it says "GRETA" instead of "LOLA."
I have kitten fever. They are the cutest most adorable things ever. Greta is sitting on my shoulders and Lola is down on the ground growling at Greta and playing with a paper bag. Greta has a litter box problem. She has pooped under the desk two times. Naughty Greta! I think she might be afraid to use the litter box because Lola is so mean about it.
I can't wait until they actually get along!
Here's a conversation between me and Jessica today:
Jessica: I'm sick.
Me: : I know baby, we should have gone to the doctor today.
Jessica: : I'm tough!
Me: : You are tough. But the toughest of them all go to the doctor so they can stay tough as much as possible.
Jessica: That's just something femmes make up to make us go to the doctor!
She's such a sillyhead sometimes. Oh well... today was fun. However, I had heatstroke again. I didn't pass out htis time, but I threw up a whole lot in the parking lot. Yuck. Jessica makes me so happy. Santana is so fun as well! And Jula! We got to see Jula today, at Petsmart. Yayyyy!
My main wish in life is that my kittens will love each other and stop being meanie butts. I'm so mad at Lola! I mean, I can't be really mad, because Lola's just upset that she has a new baby sister. Lola the giant kitten- ha! If she could see Tana's kitten, all that would be over in a second! Though Kiké is really mellow.
Please let Lola and Greta get along like Mitty and Rex do! Please.
I'd only ever kissed before
Tuesday, July 3, 2001
11:33 p.m.
Kristin and I have always been able to call each other up for pizza or Chinese food and watch dumb ass movies together. We never like the same movies but we always watch them together. She's the only person I know who also eats pepperoni and pineapple pizza. I really miss that. We're both bored and lonely tonight and we can't hang out. It really sucks.
Jessica drew a picture of me. Here it is:
me
Sometimes I wish I were back in Wisconsin. :(
Friday at the Circle K
Tuesday, July 3, 2001
11:18 p.m.
Home alone. Me and Lola. Jessica went home about an hour and a half ago. Damn. And I was getting lots of love. She brought me a rose plant and a portrait and chicken tenders. Just so people know, I LOVE chicken tenders w/ ranch. YUMMMMM!
We're still on Level 5 in Tomb Raider I. Still not as far as Sarah. Damnit. It took me 3 months to beat Sarah's snood scores. Now I just have to beat the TR game. I must! Well, Jessica does and I sit there and scream: "EEEK! It's Pierre! Noooo!" I'm a very good video gamer.
I lost her today. Sarah, that is. I mean, my head did. It's Jessica now. It's like that Ani thing about how you don't get to choose who appears in yr mind's eye- they just show up and go BOO!
Here's the latest pic of Lola. She's a darling!!!
Lola is extra little and cute.
Eponine was pretty cute too!
So, Jessica gave me more $$ for the water fountain change jar. I am SO getting that damn thing.
Oh baby baby!
How was I supposed to know?
Tuesday, July 3, 2001
10:46 a.m.
Lola is sitting in my lap, unusually well-behaved. We're listening to All Saints (don't laugh) and chatting with Sara (DMO Sara). Jessica just went home. She'll be back later. It's our two month anniversary today. She stayed over last night and it was heavenly. I also had a bath in the morning. She took me out and dried me off and put me in clean clothes.
Yesterday she came over and brought me a yellow rose and a packet of cat toys for Lola. We went to the MVD and waited for 5 hours. Jessica finally got her license. We also looked at clothes and baby things. Oh, and we went to Petsmart to drop of my application. We met Santana, Luka, and Barbara and hung out with them.
We went to Billiards and I learned to play pool. I really suck but I had fun. The last time I played was several years ago and my sister hit me in the head with the cue. There was a fantastically enormous storm last night. So powerful, so amazing. Jessica used the rain excuse to stay over.
Lola's really sleepy lately. She just ate breakfasat and now she's resting on the card from Eliza and Alice. Sometimes I wish she had other kittens to play with. Scrappy's a little big, Rex is wayy too big, and Yah is gigantic. They all live far away anyway. She's really excited because of the toys Jessica brought for her. She kept Jessica up all last night with her cute little games. Jessica didn't think she was so cute.
I started a jar to save for the Drinkwell fountain. I probably have two dollars in there already. I really really want it. Lola would adore it and lots of strap-on kids said they think their cats would like it too.
I really want that damned thing.
I really don't mind
I got plenty of time
to play around with!
Sunday, July 1, 2001
11:39 p.m.
Lola's asleep on the desk. She's such a cute thing. The cutest ever. Sarah says everyone thinks their kitten is the cutest ever, but I am so totally right. Lola is soooo cute. Even cuter than Eponine and Epy was damn cute. Lolie recognizes her name and runs to the TV during Tom et Lola. She's the smartest cutest kitten in the world.
A spider bit me the other day. The bite is huge and ouchy. My foot still hurts where I stepped on the chunk of glass. Jessica put a Curious George band-aid on it so it's okay. I'm not keen on glass in my feet!
Melanie and Chandra and I are going to have an Uno party. We'll have Ben & Jerry's, nachos, and Chinese food. Lots of Miranda July and hott gaywad sex. We'll also play w/ the kitten.
Lola's so cute! Cute Cute Cute! Oh, everyone should click on the link (the title for the entry). Lola and I are in dire need of said item and I will glady trade sexual favors for it.
