Kissy Star-Cowboy

Every little thing she does is Magic
Monday, January 28, 2002
04:21 a.m.

Every little thing she does is magic
I slept away most of today. My mom called and Luka brought in the phone, but I accidentally hung it up and she didn't call back! Otherwise, today was awesome cos Luka made dinner for us all- fried tofu, potatoes, and rice. We also had the yummiest soy ice cream. I fell asleep in Luka's bed around 8:30 and was moved back to my and Jessica's bed, where I woke up around midnight. I'll be going back there in a few minutes.

Everything she do just turns me on
So, it's officially my nineteenth birthday. Birthdays are okay, but I dread getting older. When I was in my early teens, I was terrified of my birthdays cos they meant I wouldn't be cute anymore. I am terrified of losing all my cuteness. Anyway, I'm nineteen now, and not in school. I need to get back there. Pathetic, having no job, you know? I need to make something of myself.

Even though my life before was tragic
I've had some awesome phone calls! The other day, Tierza and Erin called. It rocked. They played this new song they're working on over the phone, it was really good. Seriously, they're talented. Tierza was funny and giggly and awesome, as always. Then, yesterday, Becky called and I got to talk to her and Sarah! They are absolutely insane and fun. I hope they call again soon... *hint*

Now I know my love for her goes on
Luka is really awesome. I don't know what I'd do without him. He hasn't been working so much lately, so we've gotten to hang out more. We went out for breakfast the other day, just the two of us. I am really isolated here in NM, and Luka makes me feel so much better. He's so funny and cool, etc. Also, his bed is like a giant tummy! Luka is incredibly intelligent and witty. He's just awesome in general, you know?

Life Uncommon
Sunday, January 27, 2002
01:37 a.m.

Set down your chains, until only faith remains
What exactly does religion mean to me? Do I really, truly believe in the bible? I know I believe in something. I am very faithful to that... something. I pray everyday. I'm not Christian, I know that. I cannot believe in Jesus. I've tried to, when I thought I needed to, but I cannot accept the idea of him, let alone accept him into my life as my "personal saviour." As for the Pueblo beliefs- I don't believe in those either. I hate that, it's kind of embarassing, cos I don't know a lot about it. When I ask, I'm told I will learn by doing it. But I can't belive in it either. I'm proud of my Judaism, but is it the right thing? How to I compromise my feminist ideals with the rigid patriarchal tones of the Bible? Where do I belong?

And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
I'm nearly done with the third Harry Potter book. They are really good books. I wish they'd been around when I was younger. I'd probably have thought them below me and continued reading Tolkien, Lloyd Alexander, The Chronicles of Narnia, and of course, A Boy's King Arthur. (illustrated by my uncle) I love fantasy, I love these other realms. I wish I could be a sorceress. I'd restore balance to kingdoms, and teach women to be strong for themselves, and cast spells and such. I'd have a black horse and a white dress and a silver crown. I'd also have a plain sword around my waist, for I could also fight.

No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
This page has calmed down so much. This past week, I had 107 visitors, compared to about 400 a week a few months ago. The only thing I miss are the guestbook signings. I think I could reach more people by posting on s-o and adding a link in my sig. on the kitten board.

Fill your lives with love and bravery
Becky called today. She's crazy fun! I talked to Sarah as well, who is awesome. They're really great. I like them a lot. When I'm back at home on Haven, maybe we can play Go Fish or something.

And we shall lead a Life Uncommon
I need Season 3 tapes of Buffy. New Buffy on Tuesday! Doublemeat Palace. Sounds grotesque. And no Amber. I must remind myself, each episode without Amber is another episode with her later on.

All Souls' Night
Saturday, January 26, 2002
02:07 a.m.

Bonfires dot the rolling hills, Figures dance around and around
I had a disturbing dream two nights ago. It was a continuation of a previous dream. In the dream, I arrived home from a long trip, perhaps a year or more. My mother handed me a package that had arrived during my absence. Within it were a large stack of photographs, and three books. The photographs were all nude, erotic, and of myself! I was wearing white angel's wings and posing on all fours on a blue faux fur run. Most of the pictures were very lewd and highly embarassing. The books were collections of said photographs! I returned to the kitchen, where my mother told me that she'd bought the books as I was in them... and that I showed promise, and I should pursue modelling for such things! Then, I went to a math class with Giles and Jessica. Jessica yelled and told me I was a whore for being in the photos and not telling her. Giles also said that I showed promise. It was all very baffling and overwhelming.

To drums that pulse out echoes of darkness and moving to the pagan sound.
I am still studying the tarot. I"m not going to give up, even though there are seventy-eight cards. I already know the first three, The Magician, The High Priestess, and The Empress. My deck is a bit different, because it is of goddesses who represent the virtures in a standard deck. It will be weeks before I can do my first reading. I have started my tarot journal, but it's pretty embarassing.

I can see lights in the distance, trembling in the dark cloak of night
I am nearly done with the third Harry Potter book. Then, I've got Marion Zimmer Bradley's Priestess of Avalon which Sarah recommended to me. Once that's done, I've got yet another book recommended by Sarah, about Wicca. I went to the big library the other day. Only one of my eleven holds was ready! Grrr, argh! Then, I found a copy of one of the books on my hold list in teh stacks, so I cancelled the hold. Sometimes, the library system is just... silly. They were ordering me a copy of that book from Rio Rancho, when they had it in their own library.

Candles and lanterns are dancing, dancing a waltz on All Souls Night.
Tonight Bartana, Luka, Jess, and I went out because Jess has a day off tomorrow and as such, we can go out late and not have to get up early. Or Jess doesn't. I haven't gotten up early since... the dinosaurs or something. Anyway, we went to the mall, where Luka and Jess snuck off so I doddled along after Bartana, who were looking for an Angelina Jolie movie. We had a second dinner, and then went off to go bowling. We went to two bowling alleys, both had huge waits. We stayed at the second one for half an hour, playing arcade games. Then someone spotted Nigel, Luka's fuckwit ex-boyfriend. So, Bartana went home and the three of us went to Village Inn for a coffee. That mean guy who always teases me was the host (but he teased Luka this time). And after that, we came home. That's our night. It was nice to get out.

Standing on the bridge that crosses the river that goes out to the sea
Last night, I had my Atavan and Clomipramine cocktail- and passed out before ER had ended. Jess and I were curled on the couch. Apparently she had to wake me to get me into bed, and I cried. How embarassing! However, I woke up at noon. Fourteen hours of sleep? Quite unsuitable. I hope it gets better as time goes by... especially since my dosage of Clomipramine is scheduled to double tomorrow!

The wind is full of a thousand voices, they pass by the bridge and me.
Well, it has taken me longer than usual to write this entry. (due to its extreme long-windedness) I need to go curl up and sleep. I took my drugs at least an hour ago, so I am all wobbly in the chair.

1000 Oceans
Monday, January 14, 2002
03:44 a.m.

these tears i've cried, i've cried 1000 oceans
I'm awake again. I can't seem to stay asleep. I keep having waking dreams of Willow, Tara, Morgan Le Fay, Angie, and Jessica. I am overwhelmed with my emotions right now. I am scared of what is happening. I am at a crossroads in my life, but I am not sure where I can turn. I am not sure where to go for comfort. Well, I know lots of places to go, but it seems all those comforting spaces want sex from me. Sex I am not prepared or willing to give.

i can't believe that i would keep, keep you from flying
I am jealous of those with best friends who will hold them, who will understand and talk and listen, etc. My closest friends fade out of my life geographically and I do not have any way to run to their arms when I am upset. After Monica, I ran up the hill to Allison, who held me all night. Why don't I have that anymore? I wish I wasn't a little gypsy, I wish I had one concrete home where I could be safe.

and i would cry 1000 more, if that's what it takes, to sail you home
I'm afraid of my dreams. They aren't nightmares, they're wonderful idyllic places. They scare me because they are gone when I wake up, and are so different from the reality of my life that I almost can't bear to go through the day. My fantasy life is so intriguing, so wonderful... how do I manage the reality?

but you know that i will run, you that i will follow you
I've been paper-journalling a lot lately because I can really be myself there. It's hard to put down my purest thoughts on paper because it makes the pain more tangible. My scariest thoughts are in French... not so that no one can read them, but so that I can bare them more properly.

over silbury hill, through the solar field, you know that i will follow you
When I was thirteen, I'd scream out into the night for Kateri, but now that I'm almost nineteen, to whom do I look to for safety?

the whores hustle and the hustlers whore
Thursday, January 24, 2002
01:59 a.m.

all around me, people bleed
So, I'm having these crazily painful periods. I'm going to the doctor soon, to see what that's all about. I'm thinking about asking about the pill. The no-baby-making pill. I'm not scared of that part, I'm just kind of scared that I will screw myself over by not taking it at the exact-same time each day. Lots of people I know are on the pill, even big gaywads like myself.

this isn't the first time i've asked for love
I don't like fighting. It wears me down and turns me into this girl that I hate. She's bitchy and evil. Also, she says really catty idiotic things. Down with fighting idiotic Colette! Everytime we fight, I promise myself it will never happen again, but it does. I have to remind myself that anger is just as valid an emotion as happiness and I have the right to express it. I just need to be more considerate about the way I do it.

heaven and earth don't ever mean enough
So, I'm going to learn to read tarot cards. I'm also going to use them for spiritual guidance. Tarot is like a set of steps. Each card, beginning with The Magician, is a step to spiritual enlightenment. Each step is different and the space between steps as well. My card is The Star. The girl in the star has one knee on land and one foot in the water.

just give me something i can believe
My religion... I don't know what it is exactly. I know I'm Jewish. Still, there are so many things I can't come to terms with. So, I'm studying wicca, though I think Jessica thinks it's silly. I thought it was nuts when Masha got into the Book of the Law and began rituals with M. and Co. Jessie Rose and I have been chatting more lately. I miss her. We write letters about how our kids will play together and how we want to be mothers. She writes me little messages in runes, and I try to write back, though I'm pretty bad at it.

speak to me of your inner peace
In my dreams, there's this place, a garden. There's a pool with lilypads and there are candles everwhere. It's warm, and I'm wearing a white dress, like Greek women wore. I have long hair and there's a gold band in it. I am alone, but it's very calm. I wonder if that's heaven?

To Your Love
Saturday, January 19, 2002
11:40 p.m.

Here's another speech you wish I'd swallow
Trip to Albuquerque today. We left the bookstore with Bitch magazine for me (my letter was published!!), Teen People for Biffy, and a WWF page-a-day calendar for Philip. I didn't get my beloved Buffy DVD set yet, but I did look at the tarot decks. i want to get a set and a book about it. I had a blank set, as I was going to create my own tarot deck, but I think I might have given it away. At any rate, it's definitely lost. I'd like to get another blank deck, in order to start that project again.

Another train of thought too hard to follow
Jess S. and I are talking books. She's recommending some Ursula Leguin for me. I'm making Jess a little care package. She seems kind of out of sorts lately.

Chugging along to the song that belongs to the shifting of gears
I did about 1/2 the dishes tonight. We had so many dishes, I have to take breaks between each kind of dish. (I do silverware, then cups, the bowls, then plates, then pots, and then random.) Things have to be in order.

Please forgive for my distance, the shame is manifest in my resistance
Some times, too much. That's why I have my new medication, clomipromine. It should help with obsessive behaviors. Here's to it working!

To Your Love, To Your Love, To Your Love
I'm babbling again.

Sullen Girl
Thursday, January 17, 2002
08:44 p.m.

Is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl
I have a hard time understanding my father. I wrote to him regarding my need to pay off my bills so I can return to school. He wrote back (see livejournal) saying that I need to learn not to be dependent, so he won't help me. He also said (quote)
"I am tired of hearing about your therapist and the endless stream of excuses and medications."

They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
Does he think I like the endless therapy and the medications? Does he think I like the depression, the guilt he forced on me to keep his adulterous secrets? Does he think I enjoy the pills, the weight gain, the heart tremors, the fatigue, and all the pain I've gone though? I have worked my entire life to be the perfect daughter, to do whatever he wanted. I tried to save his marriage, I kept the secret of his affair. And he would fault me becaues I, as a fifteen year-old, could not handle the constant pressure?

But he washed me shore and he took my pearl
I don't understand him at all. He's a selfish... I'm not going to say. I have some class. I wish I had the strength and the money to sue him, to take away his right to see my brother and sister. To make sure he never touches them. To make sure he doesn't destroy their lives as well. He has decimated everything I had.

And left an empty shell of me
I despise him. All I wanted was for him to be happy and for me to have a normal life as a non-mental patient.

What's the Matter?
Thursday, January 10, 2002
03:54 p.m.

I love this town, you can see the stars at night
So, I've been listening to a lot of Catie Curtis lately. Truth from Lies transports me right back to the second semester of my senior year, the nights I spent curled up in the study reading Naiad books. Yuck- I'm so glad I moved past those books! The self-titled CD reminds me of turning 16. It reminds me of Allison, of pain, or not knowing who I am. When I was 16, I played Soulfully for Allison and watched myself be rejected. Allison did the right thing, I know that now, but I was heartbroken. A Crash Course in Roses is my CD with Dorothy. All the songs have special meaning, all the songs bring me back to little memories. Little memories of driving to Bergen County, of crying myself to sleep in the days after I'd flown back to Wisconsin, of finally freeing myself from that relationship.

Even from downtown, cos they're are no city lights
Now, I have Catie's new CD, My Shirt looks Good on You. It will be a new era. Of happy, of content.

I love this town the moon is dancing on the waves
I'm nostalgic in a good way, these past few days. I'm writing letters, letters to those I have nearly lost, letters to those I miss. I have been journalling again. I am growing up. Growing up, up.

And in the bars half of them are underage
I had a little packet from Marianne in the mail. I'm glad she and Thilo are back in my life. I admired them so much when I was small, like 3 or 4. They gave me a book and this tape of German kids' songs when I turned 4. We still have them. When there were 3 of us kids, Mama and Daddy would put on the tape to calm us down. We'd all come down and sing along, to the words we didn't understand.

People let a lot slip by, when they look a lot alike
I am not ready to deal with Daddy. He hasn't sent me any mail since August. He called several times during Christmas, but he didn't want to talk to me. I'm afraid he hates me. I know it's because he knows I know his secrets, his betrayals, but I still think it's me personally. He won't help with my hospital bills, he doesn't give Mommy money for me anymore, he doesn't do anything. He's still claiming me on his tax returns though. He has no right. As far as I"m concern, he doesn't have the right to me as his child. He forfeited that when he began to hurt me.

What's the matter, All I ask is why be afraid of this girl?
I wish he would get help. I wish he would acknowledge that he has some responsibility for my collapse. I want my Daddy back. I hate this man, this abusive beast that I have instead. The last time he was really my loving Daddy was in Muenster, when I was 14. We had a little party, at the Haberkamms'. Klaus got me a cake and Sandra, Bene, and Francis came over. All these fun German people I grew up with, who all knew me for a year of my childhood. I miss Germany sometimes.

What's the matter, All I ask is, why be afraid of this world
Angela, that earmuff, is going there for the semester. *sticks out tongue* lucky!!!! I have no clue where my mom is. I'm supposedly babysitting my brother at this very moment. Hmm.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps
Tuesday, January 8, 2002
07:21 a.m.

You won't admit you love me. And so how am I ever to know?
Well... Good morning world! It's 7:11 am and I'm up. Philip is showering. I started a load of laundry. And... I crawled out of bed at 6:30, equipped with kitty food... and Greta was waiting in the car port! Of course, she ran away as soon as I got close to her, but I set out food, water, some blankets, her old toys, a fresh litter box, and her scratching post. I also visited Jonah's grave. I'm going to wait by the window and see if Ta will come back. She's so big! I"m going to keep a camera ready, so that Jess can see her during her transition back home.

A million times I ask you, and then I ask you over again.
My Sims are doing okay. Willow and Tara have a kid. Her name is Tamsin. I made a family for her to play with cos there were no other kids. Then, there's my other horrible lesbian couple- Eleanor and Aislinn. Aislinn has become a Tarot Card reader and constantly wears her black dress. (which is okay, because I was getting tired of her cowgirl outfit) Eleanor won't work and loses all her jobs. She dawdles at everything and keeps setting the stove on fire.

If you can't make your mind up, we'll never get started.
As for my SimCity, Olympia is doing very well... if only I knew the cheats! Oh well... I'll learn them. I have some new trash deals with this crappy city to the North. I'm doing pretty well, handling trash... but water is a problem, as always.

And I don't wanna wind up Being parted, broken-hearted.
I lost HARDCORE at literati 3 times last night! I came in last in all three games. I must be really off, not practicing... I should bring my Scrabble CD to Jessica's. It's a super old game and takes up like... no memory whatsoever. So perhaps it would run without hurting Stan-Stan.

So if you really love me,Say yes. But if you don't, dear, confess.
Sara sent a lovely letter. I'm writing her back this morning. When my laundry's done, it's back to the apartment. Yeba and I have a date to hang out today. He's the best uncle ever. You know... with my dad out of the picture, it's really great having him around.

And please don't tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
This entry is more than mundane. I'd better run and do some cleaning and stuff before my laundry all finishes.

One Hundred Names
Thursday, January 3, 2002
04:20 a.m.

I have known you all my life; In fact, I knew you long before
Here's what I did today: woke up to Marian's phone call. She was frantically rushing about preparing to take Henry to the hospital with a sprained paw. Then, I helped Luka clean a little bit, played some Boob Raider (I didn't make any progress whatsoever), read Diva, labelled Buffy tapes, and sat around while Luka went to the bank. Then Luka left for work, I watched Buffy, Jessica came home, snuggles, Sims, and pizza ensued. Then we went to Crystal's, then Jess and I drove downtown, where I hopped on my bus and came home. Since then, it's been basic "hanging around home" stuff.

A hundred years or so of you and all I want from you is more
Big news: Baby Greta. She's home! She's been sighted repeatedly by all the members of our family. Tomorrow, we start on Operation Retrieve Baby Ta. We're going to lure her closer to us with food and such. I have never been more... relieved and happy... in my entire life. One of my babies! It's been so hard, not being able to find Ta and Lo, not knowing if they were alive or dead. Jess and I pray every day that they will return, and now here is our little stripy girl.

Sometimes I don't know who you are, sometimes I don't know why you stay
I have tons and tons of new eps of Buffy, it's pure heaven. Plus, the next two parts of "Leave a Light On" (the best W/T fanfic EVER) are sitting in my e-mail, waiting for me to snuggle up in a blanket and read them. Tempest, you're a genius!

All I know is when I called, you came; I have known you by one hundred names
Tomorrow Jessica and I celebrate 8 months of dating bliss. (I think it's funny when anniversary cards say "marital bliss." Anyone in any sort of relationship knows it's not bliss!) We're happy, over a lot of yucko holiday-time bumps, and cuddly and such. 8 months. A long time. One more month and I've got Mariah beat... of course, I think I already have due to the whole lack of break-up/hook-up cycling in this relationship. I'm so happy and giddy.

You're the sunshine on my floor, You're the book I've halfway read
Mel and I are having problems with $$. I called a very upset MelDawg. Crickett, you're a fuckwit! I also received a notice from a collection agency re: bills from the March visit to UWH. I can't ruin my credit at the tender age of 18! It's not fair! Daddy has to pay.

You're the smile a stranger gave You're the blessing someone said
Hmmm... other news, a letter from Strauss! I'll read it tonight and then answer. I need to catch up on letters. I've had Nanny's thank you letter smushed in my pocket for days.

You're my favorite cowboy song, echoed aching at sunset
I'm expecting mail from Germany, which always blows the minds of the postman here in Isleta, who rarely sees stuff outside of Albuquerque, let alone outside of the country.

Sung together round a fire on the Plains; I have known you by one hundred names
Well, I'd best be off to bed, it being 4:35 now.