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Kissy
dusty
ericka
angelina
ruthie
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I am walking too, I am moved by you
Monday, March 5, 2001
11:43 a.m.
this is an entry-on-command for ruthie. today i am the perfect image of a boy scout. i'm wearing that green shirt.
last night mekarensarah went to brandon's to watch last of the mohicans. i think i already talked about this. oh well, anyway... sarah's upset cos i voice my neediness too often when we hang out with our friends. she's right, she can't cuddle with me 24/7. it doesn't make sense. i adore snuggling up to sarah, she's so warm. i feel so safe in her arms, so safe.
i put catie curtis in the stereo cos it's something caity can stand. then she promptly left. i want something a bit more... me. like björk, cos no one but me likes björk or summat! i'm too lazy to get up. maybe tonight. this music makes me sad cos i got it right when D and i started dating and it really reminds me of her. plus, catie just sings really sad stuff.
i do love stars. a lot. my bed is full of them- star sheets, star pajamas, stars on my special pillow, stars on my comforter, stars on the picture frames... etc. sarah calls my brown blankie a "horse blanket." i don't mind cos it's kind of funny. brown blankie and i have been to 5 countries together, we're great together. my mom got him her freshman year in college (76) from her roomie. meema came from alaska and thought the lower 48 would be warm so she didn't bring a blanket. her roomie gave her brown blankie and he's been part of our lives ever since.
i miss max. last year, when we were together, albeit extremely briefly, i told her all this emotional sludge in my letters. now she hates me and all that knowledge is floating somewhere. i never meant to hurt her, never. what happened last january didn't really involve her, i didn't even know her at the time. oh well. i've never stolen anyone's girlfriend. i've had mine stolen and i know how much it hurts, god, it hurts. i miss max.
lunch time and then some translations for krishna...
Cuz I know i'm a mess [s]he don't wanna clean up
Monday, March 5, 2001
12:15 a.m.
we (mekarensarah) were at brandon and joe!'s tonight. i did my lab report and everyone watched "last of the mohicans." i was interested in watching it but lost interest quickly and took a nap instead. i came home just now and caity's sleeping at pete's. i called there and talked to pete for a bit.
i am filled with hope of going home. i want to go home so badly. i want the hummingbabies and the horses neighing. i want mama. i miss her. i told daddy so, he told me to be grown up as i'm 18 now and an adult. like he doesn't miss nanny or summat! oh well. i'm spending spring break here in madison because he won't let me stay at his house. i'll probably read a lot.
sarah stayed over last night, she watched evita and i ironed my shirts. i felt horribly domestic and adored it. i did all the laundry possible and it was great. i folded, ironed, everything. then, i discovered 2 renegade pairs of underwear in my laundry bag. oh well... at least i've got clean socks.
there's a pile of cds here that i meant to copy for sarah but forgot to. oh well... i'll do it in a bit. or something. i hate doing the scanning but she so rarely asks for anything that i'd feel awful not doing it.
my latest idea is to spend the summer in washington. i'm not sure why... tida would cry all the time and there's nothing to do in cle elum, they haven't even got mcdonald's. even los lunas has fast food and blockbuster.
i wish the door would bust open and kateri would walk in, tuck me into bed, and sit by me until i fall asleep. guess it's just me and panda though. nothing against panda, he's great.
she said she knew what my books did not
Saturday, March 3, 2001
07:57 p.m.
i am finishing a letter to marie to send in her package. i have 3 packages. i'm not sure how i will transport them to the post office or pay for them. i made tida a huge package, full of clothes and toys. babies are so little! i'm kind of afraid of having one myself, i might break it.
i'm wearing a buddhist monk's robe because all my clothes are dirty. i should go check to see if any of the washers are free, i have so much laundry to do. jessie is sitting on my couch watching silence of the lambs. it's nice having her here, we talked about what went wrong in our relationship, what's wrong in her current relationship. she's with some guy and can't stand the straight sex.
i have so much work. i don't know how to catch up and stuff. i am so tired... i feel as if i should just crawl in bed and fall asleep. i can't keep writing, i need to go put in the laundry, something. i think i need some valium.
Please couldn't you stay a while to share my grief
Friday, March 2, 2001
02:44 a.m.
victim. sounds like such an idiotic word. like i'm purposely trying to draw attention to myself. the past week, i am insane. i KNOW he's coming back. when i was in union station, i was in a place where S and i had been together. i don't know what to think or say.
sarah was here, she really tries to help. i need to stop asking her to come when i am like this. she is so rational, she knows that he won't come back. why can't i know this as well? she doesn't understand, but the only thing that would make her truly understand is if this happened to her as well. i NEVER want anyone to hurt sarah like that.
when i am upset, i just want sarah to come, or someone, and turn off the tv, take me to the couch/bed/floor and hold on to me and tell me that i'm safe. i just need the soft, warm touch. i need to feel real.
last nighti needed panda. sarah says that he can't feel, he's not alive. well DUH i know he's not alive but for me, he's very real, he's very alive. we've been through so much together, i love panda. he's my bear.
it's 2:45 AM. i'm all alone. did sarah leave?
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath I say to myself I need fuel -to take flight-
Thursday, March 1, 2001
05:26 p.m.
i am sick, sick sick. caitlin went and got me some nyquil and dayquil but it's certain that it's due to my recent penury of meals. the doctor says that all i have to do is eat, and i'll be fine.
i am afraid that someone will attack me. today, i walked to social sciences between the walls. a car could come down the lane and grab me, take me. i'd never be seen again. he didn't do a good job last time, i got away, i got in the car and came back to madison.
i know he is looking for me, to press me flat against the floor and choke my cunt with his flesh. i know, i know. i am not safe, i need to hide. i need a place where i am safe, i need an army to protect me. i am afraid, maybe someone below me is scratching at the ceiling so they can crawl into my room and kill me. maybe he'll come through the window. maybe he'll walk in during the day, when the door is open. maybe he'll wait outside my classes and be ready, waiting, with a knife.
i am not safe. i need to be safe. sarah doesn't know, she says i'm safe. jess says i'm safe. don't they know? he broke me once, he has to finish. i can feel him, i can remember his breath against my neck, i can remember his rib cage slamming against my breasts, i can remember the bruises on my thighs. doesn't sarah know? i am going to be taken away. i am going to be killed. if i had been safer in the train, if i had stayed in my seat and never gone to the bathroom, i would have been fine.
now he knows, he knows he can crush me. he knows he can come back and do it again. i was so easy the first time, i just lay there, his body forcing mine into the space between the sink and the toilet.
if i were good, nothing would have ever happened.
i will cry 1000 more if that's what it takes
Wednesday, February 28, 2001
11:25 p.m.
i am out of bed for a little bit. i've got a fever. i should be asleep in 1/2 an hour but i still have over 100 pages to read of "Worker in the Cane" and I also want to read for South Asia and Archaeology. I haven't updated my calendar. I have another lab in Archaeology.
my head aches, so i took advil. my cunt aches, it's bleeding. otherwise, i am okay. i have been drinking apple juice. i also ate 2 meals today, neither of which was stroganoff. a step upward for me.
angelina wrote today or yesterday or summat about each mountain she summits being only the base of the next. i never worry about climbing, i only worry about coming down. sometimes it seems it would be easier to jump off than anything else. The cranes in Tibet fly right over the Himalayas when they migrate.
i want a daughter. lola or annapurna or antigone. i'll just wait though. virginia woolf passed on kids due to her mental state. i wonder what she and leonard used as birth control? not that it matters. i read her complete letters this summer. i also read "the waves" but i cannot make myself finish "orlando." i think it's some sort of sign that i adore biographies of famous authors/poets but can't bring myself to read what they've written. i was named after colette. pip was named after daddy's friend Phil. i have no clue as to the origins of the rest of our names.
caity is listening to a lot of ani tonight. she's calm and quiet and clean. right now, she's holding my bra, i can see her reflection in the window. she is caitlin, sensible and always doing the right thing. normally i'd feel hypersensitive about my own faults around her, but i like having this complete stability in my life.
i am giving up religious self-denial for lent. actually, i gave it up when i stopped eating kosher, 2 weeks ago.
in a forest pitch dark glowed the tiniest spark
Wednesday, February 28, 2001
05:17 p.m.
i think i am turning into someone i am not. this is the time of year that i broke down during senior year. i saw dr. nielsen yesterday, we talked about me falling into depression again, into panic attacks. i feel as if i might fall, but i know i am in a chair, on the floor, in my bed, not on a mountain top. i have this incredible sensation of being vulnerable.
last night i built a fort to hide in. i know that it wouldn't really hide me from anything, but i needed to be in the dark. only shawn/shaun/sean and i know what happened in that bathroom this summer. i don't even know how to spell his name. he doesn't even know mine. he was so pale, red hair and freckles. i felt dark against him, i was dark against him. like sister light, sister dark. only he wasn't a woman and i wasn't a shadow. why don't train bathrooms ever have toilet paper?
i needed sarah last night. she came and held me and put me to bed, even though she was (and still is) hideously busy. i am becoming a burden on her, something she must squeeze into her schedule. i need to be less dependent. i shouldn't have gone to chicago, i shouldn't have let myself be in that station again.
i'm not strong enough. i need to be able to throw things across the room and kill people if they come too close. I know... eyes-knees-groin-throat, but it's not enough. I want my muscles to be tight in my body, my skin taut over the surface of me. i want to be able to run, run, run.
it's cold, but i want to walk to picnic point and sit at the tip for a good while. one shouldn't be there after dark, especially alone. Jessie and I were there once, late at night. We were already just friends, but still officially together. We walked, 2 or 3 feet apart, singing Tori lyrics to each other. She came over today, Caity told her that I'm sick. She gave me a backrub. It was coarse, rough, not like Sarah. She slipped her hand under my shirt, in the back, and scratch-rubbed me. she didn't violate me in any way, i just felt intruded upon, her hands were too cold. why didn't she touch me when we were lovers? why now? when i have sarah, when i feel nauseated with someone else's hand on my skin?
dr. nielsen isn't giving me any new meds after all. she and anne want to see if this will blow over. entering week 4 of severe depression. i wish i could sleep for a long time and dream lovely dreams. maybe daddy's right. what if it is all in my head and i'm perfectly normal?
then run and come and catch my arm and say you'd die if i were gone
Tuesday, February 27, 2001
06:26 a.m.
i can't sleep or stop twirling my lip ring around. i haven't finished my damned kenoyer thing either, mostly cos i crawled into the couch under blankets and read emma donoghue's "stir-fry."
i spoke to eliza briefly. she and alice have been together six months now. hideously long, but not that long considering how monogamous ellie is. she alluded to having sex. *shock shock shock* ellie? sex? oh my! i suppose so... but! Ellie! I miss talking to her, I'm glad I got to. We used to quote lyrics to each other and then make the other guess what it was. She calls Alice "boo" and Alice calls her something equally disturbing. I checked, it's just polar bear. Not that bad. Better than kitten and puppy and some of things I come up with.
i keep thinking of the girls i've been with. but i've only had what? 2 relationships in all seriousness. D and Sarah. everyone else was gone before i knew them or they were over the internet. I read a bit in "Stir-Fry" where Ruth says Jael could leave but Ruth couldn't... cos Ruth loves Jael more than vice versa. Such has been the case in every single relationship/sex relationship i've ever been in, except Allie. Eliza told me she loved me. So did Dorothy. I'm sure others must have, but they meant it.
I remember when Erin and I broke up. We were coming down the steps on Ash St. when she said, "Let's just be friends, okay?" I was heartbroken. Stupid me. We ending up making out in the bathroom stalls on March 3 (it was Lori's birthday) but that was it for us. I tried to kiss her later on but she wouldn't let me nearby. I am far to sensitive. Once, I was singing a song about being sensitive and my dad said that I'm the least sensitive person he knows. I was 14 then, I don't know if he'd still say that.
I had this feeling earlier, when I was touching myself, that my labia are growing to be as big as Melanie's. I guess my cunt will be different than it was 4 years ago. I should stop freaking out. Like I think Sarah will always refer to me as Giant Labia Colette, like Fall Down Allie. Some ex-girlfriend who has been reduced to an idiotic name to make one's current feel they're the best.
I used Allie so badly. I just wanted to get on her and that's it. She irritated me so much on our first date. Then I wanted her to love me and shut up or something. She wrote me these letters and I spent my time going "oh dear, how do i break up with her?" i never really did. i was too scared. I called her and told her I needed space. Then I was in the hospital again- she tried to call me there but I refused to talk.
i should go lie on the couch for an hour or two... then get up and read shaffer, go to principles, go to nepali... b.s. some kind of thing about shaffer, and go to south asia. my goal is to get a star on the calendar every day this week.
I wish I was a stranger who wanders down the sky
Monday, February 26, 2001
03:03 p.m.
i went to nepali, i get a star for today. now i have to motivate myself to do my take-home midterm for south asia. i was a good girl and wrote to dr. kenoyer about missing class tomorrow to see dr. nielsen. i think i am going onto lithium.
the university health clinic doesn't know i'm bulimic. maybe if i went there, i could ask about meridia and get it. i'm not sure.
i'm still upset about ruthie/max. and i still haven't spoken to either one. :( The fish do love their new plants. I think Carrie is dying, but I've thought she's gonna die for the past 3 months. Maybe it's because she's so small compared to the others.
And I feel like some bird of Paradise
Monday, February 26, 2001
12:22 a.m.
I HAVE A BABY SISTER!!!!!!!! HER NAME IS TIDA VIOLET AND SHE IS THE CUTEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAYYYY!!!! I HAVE TO YELL AND SHOUT AND JUMP AND DANCE.
seriously, i thought i would hate the moment kateri had a baby, but i am so happy that i have a baby sister. it's so awesome! ohhhh, she is so cute and little and ohmygawd it's so wonderfulwonderfulwondrous!!!!!
give her some time, give her some space, all that she meant was good
Sunday, February 25, 2001
11:46 p.m.
i have this goop on my lip to make it stop hurting but somehow it completely numbed my tongue and i am now talking like cindy brady or summat.
sarah and i talked about being misunderstood a few days ago and she asked me if i believed that anyone is really understood by anyone else. i suppose not. what i think is playful is harmful is devastating to someone else. i hurt ruth and max and i wasn't really even aware of it.
today i was in union station alone and i remembered this summer. i got off the train, my cunt full of cum and me feeling so dirty... i was so mad at myself, mad at the world, even mad at monica, though i'm supposedly over that. i've got my purple ribbon and my sexual assault flower thing... but i am still scared of everything. i wanted to throw up the whole time i was in the station. plus, the phone i called dusty on smelled like james' armpits. too much for me to handle all at once.
you're a car girl, you're a star girl
Sunday, February 25, 2001
09:19 p.m.
back from chicago. it was fun, but now my ex-girlfriend is terribly mad at me. i'm really upset about it cos i didn't kiss her girlfriend to be evil or anything. i'm just... a kissy person. i spent a lot of time in europe as a kid and i'm really used to kissing my friends. all my friends who have spent time with me in the meatworld know that.
otherwise, i have tons of new shirts and fake plants for the fishes. they seem to be happy that i'm home. the fantails' tank looks absolutely disgusting. i guess i'm cleaning it tomorrow. caity is going over to pete's tonight. she and pete have the same anniversary as me and dusty, the 26th. odd, that.
melanie sent me a package that i didn't know was coming and i got it today! thrillllls! i'm psyched to listen to the cds when caity leaves, cos she doesn't much like that sort of music. ok, she's gone. i'm gonna miss her, which is silly. i need some time to myself after this weekend.
i still have to do my fucking midterm for south asia. argggghhhh. but i read some of "worker in the cane" over the weekend. i also finished nanny's akhenaten book, which was good, but the ending was hideously cliché.
time for bed.
you're all la di da
Friday, February 23, 2001
02:06 a.m.
i got my lip pierced today at the piercing lounge. purple bead, powerpuff poster on the ceiling, winterfresh mouthwash.
i'm going to chicago in the morning. i have to wake up. maybe i should just... not go to bed or summat. i have to buy my tickets still and pack. plus, caity's home... so i might as well stay up since she's asleep and i can't move around the room. i'll sleep on the bus.
nanny sent a package the other day, it had books, food, soap, candy, etc. i rather like the akhenaten book, which apparently won a nobel prize. it must have lost something in translation, but the story is good. i love how nanny remembers the little things about me. :) we went to the akhenaten exhibit together last year, in boston.
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