girl, you've got some nerve
taking everything that you deserve
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
05:45 p.m.

Today's been fabulous; I began to clean out the refrigerator. My family has more half-empty jars of curry paste and baggies of yeast than I'd ever imagined possible. There are still bowls soaking in the sink from month old chile stews and avocado salads. Gross. Did you know yogurt comes in a tube now? I'm disturbed. (They also make sparkling deodorant!)

My sister is quite adept at doing my hair. She gives me zig-zag parts and has perfected my pigtails. Elisabeth comes at me with this diluted freesia body spray followed by freesia hair stuff. The topic of my hair's growth is one of my favorite topics. After all, if I cut it short, I owe Sara something rather expensive. I have become overly fond of saying "Look! My hair's longer now, don't you think?"

Back to deodorant. Remember aerosol deodorant? They used to make a Spice Girls kind. Now, that brand in particular was sold in the subway stations of XAPbKOB but never in the Spice Girls scent, or whatever you call it in a deodorant. I would scour all the stalls and nearly always ended up using the much less desirable stick kind. I never liked the idea of aerosol deodorant. Someone once told me about a boy who'd sprayed his entire body in aerosol deodorant and subsequently perished. Imagine! Death by deodorant! I've also heard that one can get breast cancer from deodorant- or maybe that was underwire bras?

Okay, my sister's lent me a trashy British teen novel and I'm off to read it. Whee!

love has made me a fool
set me on fire and watched as i floundered
Saturday, December 27, 2003
04:09 p.m.

I have been in New Mexico since Christmas Eve. Eileen drove me to the airport in Minneapolis on the 23rd, we took a scenic route through rural Minnesota. Everything is named after elk. Her friend Jesse was also at the airport waiting for a flight so we were planning on bonding. However, my flight to Cincinnati was delayed to the point that I would not be able to make my connection to Burque so Eileen had to turn around and come back to get me at the airport and deposit me at George's. I flew out the next morning, connecting in Dallas. There is absolutely nothing in the Dallas airport. My mother and sister were waiting at the Sunport for me and there was much hugging. There ends the story of my journey home.

Today has been a mosly blasé day. The only excitement occured when my brother purposefully locked my sister in the unheated storage building on the other side of the ranch. She emerged crying about an hour later. My brother was put in his room without his phone. My mom, sister, and I ate baked beans and I read about Palestine. Now I have a pounding headache and have retreated to my mother's room.

I have adopted a small toy camel that I found behind the stove. I haven't thought of a name for him yet. Any ideas?

let's sneak down to the harbour
Thursday, December 25, 2003
05:51 p.m.

Home! Home! Home! I just finished doing the dishes, we're making pizza dough for dinner tonight. The kids are playing TheSims on my little sister's computer. We went to see The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King this afternoon in Los Lunas. Apparently the powers that be erected a Super Walmart in my absence. We all drove back to the farm excitedly discussing the movie; my sister and I cried at multiple points and my brother thoroughly agrees that the majority of characters are raging homosexuals.

My brother is a perfect darling! He's grown his hair rather long and wears skateboarding t-shirts with a tie. He spends a lot of time drumming along with Meg White; I plan to turn him on to the genius of Janet Weiss. He also has a girlfriend named Annie who looks positively elfin. My sister has two boyfriends and breasts.

The entire south field is filled with sandhill cranes and the night stars are indescribable. It is very warm, enough so that one does not even require a sweater when venturing out of house. My mom still doesn't understand the concept of heating so it actually feels warmer outdoors as opposed to in.

My mother is enforcing her imminent domain and I am being sent away so that she may watch The American President on the computer. Lordisa, the things I put up with! Actually, I need to "work on my paper," which translates into "writing a letter to Maryam." Feliz Navidad!

the sign said headshots and that was all
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
12:04 a.m.

I'm up late, burning the midnight oil, or burning CDs, as it were. George and Renée are in flangrante delicto about 10 feet above me, their cries punctuating the lull of the CD burner. I'm sneaking away with lovely copies of Björk's Debut (forgotten in my own CD player in Madison), and Les Nubians' Princesses Nubiennes (too broke to purchase my own). My flight from Minneapolis to Cincinnati this evening was delayed to the point that I could not catch my connection to Albuquerque. So, here I am, back chez George in the House of Debauchery, for one more fabulous night.

I like to look out over Seward in the winter; the street lights glinting off the snow and hastily parked sedans reminds me of Green Bay, where my father lives. Away from collegiate Madison, the Midwest settles into my bones, yawning into my shoulder blades. I feel at home here, on the living couch, curled up with the latest Anchee Min. If it weren't for the cold wind, the chapped lips, and the staticky hair, I could live up here again.

I am warm and tired, drinking Juicy Juice bought by George; her fridge is always filled with them when I come to visit. My desire for CDs is nearly satiated, save the new Tori Amos I hope to nab with my gift card from my Saint's Day and the live Jason Mraz CD I am imploring Fatima to send to my New Mexican post box.

I've been spending my afternoons reading Mimi Smartypants's back entries, all the way back to 1999. She mentioned that online quiz that tells you which 100 religions suit you best, in descending order. I'd like to take it again; I did several years ago and it gave me equal results between Conservative Judaism and Neo-Pagan. Disturbing. Have my religious values changed since then? We'll see, if I ever uncover the elusive tests.

Okay, George will be waking me in 5 hours to taxi to the airport. Bedtime!

i'm at home
distracting myself with guitars and microphones
Sunday, December 21, 2003
01:37 p.m.

Breakfast is over and George appears to be doing the dishes. Nicole flew away this morning and Eileen is out on the town. I woke up late this morning, crawled into bed with George, Renée, and the cat and bothered them until we all came downstairs for toast and tea. George has given me Anchee Min's latest, Wild Ginger, to read. I am currently in the sunroom with a glass of echinacea tea and thoroughly bare feet. I love this room; I am pondering moving to Minneapolis just for this room. It is rather small with a bookshelf all the way to the ceiling. I could sleep in the corner and stack books all around me.

Friday was rushed but lovely. Maryam and I walked down to the Union to meet Sara, with whom I had lunch. She parted my hair and gave me pigtails, much to my delight. We ran into Youssef, Avery, Mertroid, and Furby on Library Mall. Then, I ran into Eric, who ran banal errands with me. I saw my big brother at UBS, who was with his girlfriend, Nichole. They were eating sushi. Pai'u, as always, smelled badly. I also ran into Eric but totally forgot to turn in my timesheet, oh well.

There really isn't a lot to do. George only has the first Sims, the one with no smaller kitchen table. It's cramping my style. I may take a bath and shave my legs. Hey! It's vacation!

i would be happy just to hold the hands i love
on this winter's night with you
Saturday, December 20, 2003
03:57 p.m.

I am still sick, but am now sick in Minneapolis, instead of sick in Madison. Eileen and I came up here on the bus yesterday. MadBus is awesome, they give you soda, snacks, and show movies. We saw Pirates of the Caribbean and Finding Nemo. Up in the Cities, Eileen's friend Jesse picked us up and drove us to Saint Paul for cold medication and chai. Then, to the House of Debauchery for the weekend. I am actually not scared of Renée. She is very nice and has a beautiful smile and pajamas with feet. I slept upstairs with about a million blankets. Everyone is feeding me cough and cold medicine and George made waffles. Eileen is splendidly happy with Nicole; they have been smiling all day long.

I wish I had a house like Diego Riviera and Frida Kahlo had. My side would be full of colors and big red flowers. I would have Gauguin prints and bookshelves overflowing. I would also have a gigantic bathtub that I could lie down in, with deep sides and little shelf things so that my soap wouldn't fall into the water. There would also be a big squashy chair by a fireplace and a grey stripy kitten with white mittens.

Being sick makes ones thoroughly unattractive. I must find my toothbrush.

This would be the kiss that counted
The one that shattered my defenses
Bringing me emotion and devotion
Thursday, December 18, 2003
10:44 p.m.

I am a big fan of Maryam Ashraf today. After running nearly all my errands, we went shopping at Carson's on my food card with Fadi and Fatima, ate dinner in the Liz Cafeteria, and came back up to my messy room. We then(the royal We, it was actually mostly Maryam) cleaned my room. It looks fabulous; I will come back to a clean room come January. Once Paulina finsihes her laundry, I'll be able to do my own. I have a load of pink clothing that needs to be packed.

I've been watching too much ER. Two episodes a day on TNT, whoo! I record them on my computer's TiVO thing and watch them on my monitor. I'm also working on these crazy factsheets for my project. I'm hoping to write some brilliant papers as well, but we'll see how that goes. This whole school thing is starting to burn me out. At the same time, I like it. It will be nice to spend the break studying, especially if it's not that hardcore.

We love Tussin, yes we do. Actually, it's just me loving the Tussin but being sick alone is kind of boring. I keep seeing all these commercials for really great cold medicines; all I've got is the generic stuff from Carson's and the bottle of Tussin.

I have decided to re-pack my bags before I leave tomorrow. This is very thrilling as I am able to match socks to every outfit. I also have Eileen's black sweater; she has my pink sweater. One hopes the sweaters will be reunited with their proper owners this weekend.

I should go to sleep soon so that I can wake up early to return my video to Four Star- four days late. And I never even watched the silly thing. One week until Return of the King with my brother! Rock!

there's too much going on
but it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
12:04 a.m.

Still writing journals and pondering propoganda. My head is swirling with images of injustice worldwide. I have friends who find it simpler to turn their backs, to fuss over the mundane than to do even the slightest thing to make any tangible change. All of us here at UW are dripping with privilege. I spend good portions of my day staring a computer screen, eating food, and taking showers that have all been paid for by mysterious benefactors who are dedicated to getting this little brown girl out of here with a piece of paper stamped and signed.

Hannukah on Friday. My menorah is in Sue's basement. I meant to ask her for it when she brought the keyboard for Fatima, but I didn't. It is the Festival of Lights, of Miracles. Hannukah is about refusing to culturally assimilate. I like it because of the candles, the lights flickering on my face when I pray. I want to visit Hadar and Dina while I'm home, hold Raffi, ask them questions.

Christmas Eve in a week. We all go to San Felipe to our family's house. Mama and I go to midnight mass, the kids don't like to. I don't really like to either, it's standing room only and I can't see anything. They move the pews out of the church. I prefer the church in Isleta, with Our Lady in the back. I like to sit there and pray with her. Even more I like El Santuario at Chimayo. This year, I will go home for my baptism and I too will make the pilgrimage, walking to Chimayo.

Most of the time I don't understand religion. Throughout my life, my father has explained that it's a crutch for those not intelligent enough to make their way through the world alone. I wonder that my own faith bothers him, that he thinks me one of the inebriated masses. My father is a strange man; I often wonder if he is the way he is because he doesn't have any faith.

Father Randy knows me now; in mass, he will look directly at me. We make eye contact as he tells the congregation about Jesus Christ separating the sheep from the goats. I miss attending all of mass, because I miss nearly all the singing except for the psalm and the opening song. I don't talk much in my RCIA classes. I never get the metaphors right. I would prefer to sit in back of the church, praying the rosary with my baby blue beads.

There is this guy in my RCIA class, Burton, whose biggest fear is that he will not find a wife. He is a graduate student and is full of intellectual answers. I have a hard time paying attention so I usually read the catechism. I like reading rules, they make things seem simpler.

When I was a small child, I saw the Thunderbird once. I was lying in bed. Mama was with Elisabeth across the room; she was a baby then and Mama would hold her until she fell asleep. The light shone in from the hallway and the Thunderbird was there.

Religion has always confused me, because there are too many (or not enough?) in my house. I wish I had been raised with one, just to eliminate some of the lost feeling I get. I pray the prayers of my heart but I don't know what they mean sometimes. How do I know which way to pray is the right way?

i love you & you love me
& ain't that the way it's supposed to be?
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
02:15 p.m.

I now have a cold. On top of attempting to motivate myself to finish all my semester projects, I am frequently too tired to type any longer so I nap for one to two hour segments. It's like when you get the flu shot and you subsequently get the flu from the shot itself. Actually, it's not like that at all, but projecthead has affected me to the point that my understanding of logic has deteriorated drastically.

Finals week has also turned my room into a burrow. Papers, bottles of lotion, shoes, mittens, books, and bags of Cheetos are scattered across my floor. My desk is a disaster area, save a small corner on the left side where I periodically rest my head.

I will be at home in one week, eight hours, and fifty nine minutes. I plan on wrapping myself in my circus blanket and reading the fifth Harry Potter book. All of my fantasies involve fuzzy blankets, boxes of aloe tissues, and someone rubbing my back. Okay, I have to finish this journal before I can take another nap break!

since i met you
this small town hasn't got room
for my big feelings
Monday, December 15, 2003
02:21 a.m.

I'm still awake but I'm going to bed after a game of Literati with Fatima. Finals week and as always, I have a hard time pulling things together. I have eleven more journals to go. That's only twenty two pages to go! I will have to do most of them tomorrow, finish them on Tuesday. Then, I will spend Tuesday night, Wednesday night, and Thursday putting together my Viewbook project. Last semester, I was a study bug and lived in Memorial constantly quizzing myself on the hallmarks of the European bronze age (fibulae, just saying). I need to reintroduce academic stamina into my life.

Apparently, Oregon Chai is "nirvana in a box." It tastes okay, but really, it is not all that comparable to a religious experience. I used to drink this stuff all summer long but I don't really like it during the winter. I've been craving the hot tea at Vientiane, but am not able to invest the capital of buying an entire meal. I also really want the bottled oolong tea apparently ONLY available at the Minneapolis/Saint Paul airport food court.

Furby needs to teach me to knit before I go home so that I can create beautifully fuzzy hats during my flight home through OHIO. Who goes to Ohio on the way to New Mexico? And who knew there was a direct flight to Albuquerque from Cincinnati? Weird. I'm hoping there's an in-flight movie. Meredith got to see the second Charlie's Angels movie in Spanish on the way back from Miami.

I changed my sheets today, to the pink ones, after an unfortunate accident with cranberry juice. I am starting to experience a lot of anxiety regarding the complex art of smushing a month's worth of clothes, toiletries, my panda bear, my church shoes, and my traditional clothes into one rolling suitcase and 1 lavender duffel bag. Janell says the secret is rolling up your clothes.

I have taken to wearing pigtails whilst studying. Jake would be appalled.

and the future's on the bound
hell don't know my fury
Friday, December 12, 2003
11:51 a.m.

I dreamt the ASM office had been remodeled and painted with little dancing school children everywhere. There was a staircase coming up through the center and all around, tiny offices for each committee/campaign. I couldn't find mine, but I didn't even know which one I was looking for.

I've been tired lately, tired and worried. I have to finish up my independent studies but I am not really all that thrilled about buckling down and getting to work, especially since I don't really know what I'm doing. I should get started today in my office hours.

Home in less than two weeks though, right? My mom froze some of the green chile from today for me to eat when I get home. She is going to Santa Ana Pueblo, I think. Today we celebrate Dia de la Virgen de Guadalupe, the day that the Virgin Mary appeared in an indigenous manifestation.

if i could only have you near
to breathe a sigh or two
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
10:57 a.m.

I can't be the organizer for Choice, it's too much of a responsibility. I can barely pull together my independent research and I can't even make myself get out of bed for Diversity Oversight Committee. They co-chaired me yesterday; I can't get out of my subcomittee chairship, but at least it's been tempered by a co-chair, thank God.

Maybe I'm not that crazy though. I introduced myself to a girl in the bathroom today. Her name is Katie, she lives in 4516. I now know exactly 4 people in Liz Waters, my housefellow, Maryam, Sherisse, and now, this Katie person.

Sue and I went shopping last night, for Christmas. We had dinner at Sa Bai Thong, complete with the sticky rice/coconut custard dessert we're both obsessed with. We also went to Target, another one of our haunts, followed by Old Navy, where I got these pink velour pants and a jacket. I look really pink and they feel rather soft. It's like wearing hugs.

I need to come up with questions to ask Ada in her interview. Crap. Also: set up time to meet with Brady to discuss potential internship for next semester.

you were victim of your crime
i left you behind
Tuesday, December 9, 2003
12:35 a.m.

Okay, because I just adore procrastination, I am sitting up listening to the Spice Girls and sending out strange e-mails that most UW students have never even considered writing. I just finished the LGBT Campus Center Events update; it took me about 2 hours (including frequent e-mail & blog checks). There is something to be said for having friends who understand the mindset that sets in whilst composing such updates; it's dead boring to spend 2 hours formatting numbered lists. Now, that sent off to little queer inboxes campus-wide, I need to write up the minutes of the Subcommittee on Retention before the Diversity Oversight Committee meets tomorrow.

I told my subcommittee that I'd have the minutes out on Friday; hopefully the transgression of belatedness will prompt my fellow members to oust me from my position. The thing about chairing a subcommittee- since you're facilitating the discussion, you actually have to pay close attention. I am a big fan of zoning out, writing in my journal, or having illicit fantasies involving Carrie Brownstein instead of listening to people drone on about how important diversity is without doing shit about it.

I went to a Woman's Touch today with WHAM (Women Happily Advocating Masturbation). I am generally really uncomfortable in stores devoted exclusively to sex; I don't know where to look. However, the fact that Becka was there helped. She's so... sweetly chaste that I wasn't that uncomfortable. Dude. Nipple pumps look absolutely terrifying.

There is trauma today in Madison- Sara and I have accidentally switched our beloved Vientiane leftovers. She's got curry with acorn squash, no eggplant and I've got pad lao with chicken, two stars. So, because I am either the nicest or the most stupid person in the history of the world, I am taking the effing 81 bus to Johnson to drop off the effing pad thai. I slept for 3 hours last night and it is now 1:20am.

If that's not love, I don't know what is.

scarlet fleece changes hue
crimson ball sinks from blue
wear your love like heaven
Monday, December 8, 2003
04:41 a.m.

My new favorite sensation is sitting next to the radiator on the highest setting, curtains shut, but with a bit of cold air wafting through the open window over my back. Slipping on my sleeping clothes- I smell purple, but my clothes smell of yesterday's pink. My bed is luscious, flannel, safe. I stay up far too late, I don't have the self-control to sleep at reasonable hours. Every year, I promise myself I'll try to sleep by one.

I'll have to tell Harvey too, damn. He has been on a mission to get me to sleep 8 hours a night for quite some time. That's for Tuesday though- tonight, girl talk with Sara, poetry, and Thai food.

his wicked sense of humour
suggests exciting sex
Saturday, December 6, 2003
09:24 p.m.

One of the things that is really odd about winter is the lack of daylight. I don't understand how it can be 4:45pm and dark outside. However, I love this season, I love the starlight and the way the moon rises huge over the mesas in Isleta. Again, I am longing for twinkling luminarias and baked pecan balls with powdered sugar.

Tonight, I worked with Hanna on the ASM newsletter for Fall 2003. She's the intern on the Campus Relations committee. Actually, since the other interns quit and the chair resigned, she is the Campus Relations committee. Brady asked me to work with her after he saw theBagel, the parody of theOnion that Casey Kroma and I made for our TEAM UP self evaluation. I loved working on both and as a result, am considering working on Campus Relations. I'd like a fresh start in ASM, in a committee without drama. Plus, who could pass up the chance to make all those posters and play with Photoshop and Publisher all day?

I am now doing my laundry. I plan to spend the night ironing, filing, and organizing my shelves. I could be self-reflective in my paper journal or actually write my journals for my Columbus Day internship, but that would be too hard, wouldn't it?

Listening to Björk reminds me of my last year of high school, of riding in the back of the van to San Felipe on Christmas Eve and of lying curled in Maria Dahlberg's lap in the West High auditorium.

madhouse, the danger is down
we were laughing, we were singing
Wednesday, December 3, 2003
01:46 a.m.

I am supposed to be finishing my presentation on the Roles of Women in the Pastoral Epistles. I am completely incapable of doing so and have at this point, actually closed the PowerPoint window. My partner and I have come up with our arguments. I just have to flesh mine out. Tomorrow, my Paul class will be over.

In this photograph, J and I look older. We hung out last Wednesday and went to the Har Mar photobooth. I have been considering UMN for grad school simply based on the presence of this wonderful machine. J and I both harbor the guilty pleasure of taking photos of ourselves. Photobooths spark the Amélie in me, inspiring me to create bizarre works of art and to scribble mad passages in my journal about women with big winter coats.

J and I have grown, but underneath we are the same. We went to Barnes & Noble, finally settled the proper spelling of busy. I won my first bet, but unfortunately, there weren't really any stakes. We called my family, sent them Thanksgiving wishes. On the way back to the Cities, we stopped at a gas station and I picked cigarette butts of the floor of the car. Some things never change.

J is older and wiser, but I still want to reach out, ruffle hair, sing songs from musicals, and eat french fries and french silk pie at Village Inn. I want to get to know J's Jessica, I want them to know my life, the girl who makes me smile, and I want us all to fall into peals of laughter and drive up and down Central.

It was a good visit.

i can't believe that i would keep
keep you from flying
Monday, December 1, 2003
07:43 p.m.

I'm sitting on Eileen's big squashy bed, reassuring her for the 500,000th time that Nicole thinks she's great. Eileen is so smitten that she forgot to force me to consume any food or drink, something about which she usually jumps down my throat. We're listening to Sheryl Crow and discussing the ladies in our life. I'm bordering on smothering Eileen with a pillow, she's so giggly-happy.

Things appear to be going better with my Paul class. Anna and I talked to Professor Troxel today- we had the same situation with our Women in the Pastorals papers. We're presenting Wednesday. I will be arguing for non-Pauline authorship based on the roles of women presented.

It's December; there is no snow. Winter, don't disappoint me! I wake in the morning, sipping Aranciata, and nuzzling back under the covers. I walk to the Union, hair disheveled and eyes sparking, with Norah Jones songs in my head. Today, I ate lunch with John Wiley- fajitas and a root beer. Aren't you proud of my eating abilities? Work was lovely, Leah and I had our check-in and Jen gave me a present for my new computer.

I have devised a new system for dealing with the old periodicals. There is a new system on Avery for checking patrons/items in and out and I am lusting after it. Should I give up my dream of educating Indian youth and become a librarian? Actually, I would love to do something where I designed labels all day long. I wonder what kind of degree that requires?

I turned myself in with you and
Only you can turn me out
Monday, December 1, 2003
01:14 a.m.

Ah, the debauchery of the Twin Cities...
Thursday evening, Eileen drove down to Minneapolis to fetch me back to Saint Cloud. Of course, there was a mandatory stop at the Har-Mar photobooth. I swear, if they would put one in Madison, they'd make a mint. After a stop at SuperAmerica for chips, juice, sandwiches, and cocoa, we went to Saint Cloud, where I met Eileen's family. They are all very much like her. Her mom was grand; we had some good conversations. We went to the mall, whence Eileen emerged resplendent with new jeans and I with some cough syrup. We had crystallized ginger for snack and that night, fondue.

Friday night, Sudha came to George's and picked up me, Eileen, and Nicole. After a crazy car trip, wherein we visited several playgrounds, got stuck in a cul-de-sac, and discovered just how far you can drive down W. 7th, we arrived at Lucy's. Dancing ensued.

The highlight of the night was Eileen and Nicole's brief but highly successful courtship. Sudha and I hung out while they acquainted themselves. After a few songs, Sudha and I joined Eileen and we all gave Nicole a hickey. We went home breathless and happy, but not before driving all over Saint Paul and Minneapolis to give the queers in the back seat a chance the squirm around and bang their heads on the car doors.

The next morning, we all went out to breakfast at the Seward and walked home in the snow. George talked to her girlfriend, I kicked a snow ball, and Nicole and Eileen held hands and walked briskly half a block ahead of us. It was a successful visit. I'm not even that scared of Shin Hee anymore.

Now I'm home, tired, embittered at the end of vacation, but happy to see everyone again. I've had a cup of instant matzo ball soup, an old episode of Queer as Folk, and some apple juice. Tomorrow morning, it's back to work.