On the Bound
(Fiona Apple)
Monday, December 30, 2002
01:15 p.m.
All my life is on me now
Hail the pages turning
My dad said today that my life is at a turning point. It is. Of course, there's the not-so-fun stuff, like figuring out if I need to use the 1040 or 1040A or 1040EZ. (which I obviously do NOT understand at all.) The reason for all this is that my FAFSA came in the mail. Do any of you know how you figure out how much you made in 2002? Do you use the amount listed on your last paycheck given to you in December, or do you use the first one in January?? AH! I hate fucken taxes.
And the future's on the bound
Hell don't know my fury
Sixteen days until I am back in Madison, living in Ogg with dwindled Tracy. My dad said that the housing assignment came to his house! He handed it back to the mailman, so it's on its way here to St. Paul. Judgment should be passed on to me within the week. (yikes) Of course, I can pray my ass off for a single in Barnard, but we all know I'm going to get stuck in Ogg, Sellery, or Witte (all of which I hate). Still, whoo!!
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
I have started packing. I am hoping Triesta will take me to Madison. If she can't, I will ask my dad. He has graciously volunteered. Unfortunately, he has decided to visit me the Saturday before my birthday. The idea of an all-expenses paid tour of Madison's shops and restaurants is rad, the companion isn't. Blargh. He also explicitly said that I cannot bring a friend along. I guess not. I would never subject any of my friends to him. Oh well. At least he is showing an interest in my life, right? I am the strongest fucking bad-ass woman ever, so I can deal with him. I know some people have little faith in my ability to ward him off, but I am a tough little bitch and I will kick him in the balls if he tries anything.
And maybe some faith would do me good;
I don't know what I'm doing, don't know should I change my mind
I love getting mail. I got two things today- the awful FAFSA renewal and a package from my mom with a frog calendar! Fuck. I already have a calendar and I already wrote in it too... It's so cute that Mama got me a frog calendar because I was totally obsessed with frogs during high school. I had about 300 little rubber frogs that I carried around ina box I'd made. They all had names which, unfortunately, I still remember. So- what I really want in the mail is my housing assigmnent and a goddamn letter from Sara. I am writing her another letter today. On a Christmas card. Oh well.
I can't decide, there's too many variations to consider;
No thing I do don't do no thing but bring me more to do
I had a dream the other night that I was in a taxi with two Ashkenazi girls. They said that I couldn't be a Jew and looked pointedly at me. I said "not all Jews are white, bitches!" It was a strange dream because I don't even know that I am a Jew anymore. At least I was outspoken. I think it's the influence of all those Seal Press books! I so want someone to say something racist/sexist/homophobic to me so I can go off on them. I haven't had a good public rant in a while.
It's true, I do imbue by blue unto myself, I make it bitter
Okay. Some of you have read about my recent encounter with fucken hairy Ben. We had another one. I was chit-chatting with Kirk by the break room door, about to leave. Kirk said some kind of good-bye and we walked away, just as Ben was walking by. (This was about 1 1/2 hours after the tea incident.) Under his breath, Ben muttered, "bitch." I turned around and said "what did you say to me?" He said "um. take care?" I said "that's what I thought." Then I turned around and walked down the stairs, calmly. Okay. I want to be a classy bitch. Vidya has it down. I guess when I am 23, I will too.
Ancestor Song
(Pura Fe, Soni, Jen)
Friday, December 27, 2002
06:54 p.m.
To our elders who teach us of our creation and our past
Ah, an evening in the house alone. Inky is at work and John has biked to Kowalski's. I seriously hope I do not have a roommate when I get back to Madison, because I value my time alone so fervently. I came home from work early today because I was sick. I actually went in late too, being sick. I pushed myself to my limit at work; Vidya teased me about it too, calling me dumb. Eventually, I puked and Vidya sent me home. I had to come back 45 minutes later anyway, because I forgot my bus pass. Vidya was about to finish so I waited for her and she drove me to Walgreen's to pick up my check and q-tips for her. Then, she dropped me at home. I've been lolling about since, except for a brief bike ride to the bank to deposit my three checks.
So we may preserve mother earth for ancestors yet to come; We are the land
Christmas was okay. I went to both midnight and morning mass. The songs were gorgeous and St. Luke's is so lovely, with its blue starry ceiling. I loved the end of the midnight mass, when the darkened the church, and we all lit candles. As the church filled with the flickering little lights, we sang Joy to the World jubilantly. It was nice, being at mass. I felt odd at communion. At the first mass, I went up for a blessing from the priest, who looked fairly cool. He didn't balk at my refusal of the eucharist and blessed me solemnly. When I returned to my seat, people around me were tittering. It probably wasn't at me, but I felt nervous and unsettled. The second day, I didn't even bother going up for a blessing because the priest was serving the other side of the church and I didn't want a blessing from some dorky lector. Still, it was nice, and I'll probably go back to mass next Christmas.
To our brothers and sisters and all living things across mother earth
After morning mass, I came home and opened my presents. By far the best is the hat I received from my mother. It's a woolly Sherpa hat with a Polartec liner. She knows me too well, it's perfect for me. I've gotten several compliments. Also rad was a tube of Total Bitch lip balm from John and Inky. After presents and some general holiday excitement, I went to Vidya's for Christmas dinner. Her roommmates were having a potluck with absolutely heavenly food. It was pretty cool.
Her beauty we've destroyed; And denied the honor the Creator has given each individual
Vidya is the shit. Why didn't I have a bad-ass queer woman of color in my life when I was growing up? I think I would have turned out a little more settled. Of course, there was Pabitra, but Pabitra and I... violently hate each other. Vidya understands things. She carries all this pain and wisdom and still fills her life with laughter and love. I want to be like her.
The truth lies in our hands; All my relations
I have been embracing my Nativeness a lot lately, and shoving away the Judaism I clung to so feverishly. I took off my Magen David today. I am reading this awesome book, Colonize This! Young Women of Color on Today's Feminism, from Seal Press . Seal Press publishes some kick ass stuff. Anyway, already, in only the first essay, I feel more validated than I have in ages. This book and conversation the other night with Vidya are making me understand myself better. I have to stop living this life where I am subconsciously (maybe not though...) trying to be white. I'm not white. I have some friends who think they are super cool cos they're "sympathetic" to POCs, but really, they'll never understand. I don't resent that at all, I just want them to get real and understand they don't get it and stop claiming to. Well, I have to get packing. Only 2 1/2 weeks until I'm back in Madison!
Stille Nacht!
(Franz Gruber)
Tuesday, December 24, 2002 (Christmas Eve)
09:32 p.m.
Stille Nacht! Heilige Nacht! Alles schläft; einsam wacht nur das traute heilige Paar
I am curled up in the red wooden chair with a purple throw over my legs. I was wearing tights under my green skirt, but I took them off. I woke up during my nap with incredible pain in my toes and realized I had pulled my tights up too far and was cutting off the circulation in my toes. Too tired to fix them, I just rolled them off. I wanted to put on my pajamas, but I knew if I took off my clothes, I'd never make it out.
Holder Knab'im im lockigten Haar schlafe in himmlischer Ruh, schlafe in himmlischer Ruh!
Yup. I am going out to church tonight. Usually, I hate mass on Christmas Eve, back on my Pueblo, San Felipe. We have dancers and the church is packed to standing. I get really nauseated and last time I went, had to retire in the acolyte's alcove. It gives me weird feelings anyway, all the Jesus. However, being away from every single member of my family makes me want to make the short trek to St. Luke's for mass tonight. I feel safe at mass somehow. My mouth knows the words from going with Maga, and my heart is filled with joy at all the people finding community together. I love the ritual of the church, which has been better taught to me than Judaism, though hardly taught at all. My family on my mama's side has been trying to get me baptized and confirmed for years, but I simply cannot do it. There is no capacity to accept Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior. He simply isn't. He sounds like an awesome guy with his messages of peace. Yeah, he's God's son, but all of us are God's children, in my mind. I'm sure if we met, we could have some good talks, but he just isn't my Lord.
Stille Nacht! Heilige Nacht! Gottes Sohn, o wie lacht
Today work was crazy. I commited an ultimate crime. In my rush, I didn't look for a copy of America's Test Kitchen before I told the lady on the phone I'd put in on hold. I couldn't find her and left her a message immediately. She showed up during my break and hung out the 45 minutes until I returned. I had to tell her I couldn't find the book but that I'd left her a message. She got pissed and stomped out. I volunteered to help her find whatever she wanted and we even gave her a gift certificate. Well, I'm sorry it happened, but that's what happens when you wait until Christmas Eve to do your shopping lady! Mai came to visit me and bought the new Britney Spears book, Stages. Oy gevalt! I was so happy to scrape together my .25 and ride the bus home at the end of my shift.
Lieb aus deinem göttlichen Mund, da uns schlägt die rettende Stund
Fuckwit cornered me in the elevator and tried to foist time with him tomorrow on me. I ran out the elevator when we got the 2nd floor. Dude, I was totally using you! Get over it! You annoy me and we are so never talking to each other again. Got it? God, I can't wait to get home to Madison. Three weeks dude. Three weeks.
Jesus in deiner Geburt! Jesus in deiner Geburt!
Ploink is an absolute nutcase. (the cat) He's taken to sitting in the space above our front door and jumping down onto my head when I come home. I scream and jump around. He finds this funny. He has some bad habits- he scratches the speakers and swats at me when I don't do what he wants. He is a spoiled, spoiled kitty. However, ever since I found that frozen doggie on the sidewalk, I let him in as soon as I hear him bonking his head against the window. Crazy.
Living Room
(Tegan and Sara)
Sunday, December 22, 2002
01:03 a.m.
my windows look into your living room/ where I spend the afternoon on top of you
A weird day. I woke up to Tricia's phone call regarding hanging out after her final. Then, I called my mom and had a good call. Then I made the ultimate mistake. I called my dad. Uh-oh. Okay. It was the worst conversation I've ever had with anyone. Apparently, my grandmother (whose opinion I value nearly as much as God's) and aunt (whom I have talked to all 2 times in my life) were shocked and horrified by my Christmas cards in which I talked about how I am trying to get over the things my dad has said and done to me. We talked about Ukraine. In regards to his blatantly inappropriate behavior, he said "well, you shouldn't have walked into the room naked." HUH??? My bedroom? Okay. Whatever. I hate him. How can you justify such things through claiming it was your child's fault? He bitched me out. Completely and totally. I was left broken and totally unable to move. Eventually I dragged myself out of bed and tried to control myself with buying myself books. It didn't work.
I wonder what it is that I did to make you move in
across away from me
He also said he'd talked to Jessica about me. That they'd discussed my self-centered, egotistical lifestyle. WTF. I really don't like him at all. Now I don't know if I can ever rebuild my relationship to Nanny, my grandmother. When I was little girl, my parents split up and Nanny took me in. She potty-trained me and such. I love her to death. I hate this. I hate my dad. I hate hate hate hate hate hate him.
I hope I never figure out who broke your heart
and if I do, if I do
Tonight, after a day of seeing Tricia again (that was a mind fuck), I came home and read a little. I finished Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions. It was okay. Not nearly at Ariel Gore's caliber, and not even remotely as good as Ayun Halliday. Anyway, I decided to get into bed (cos our house is colder than the south pole) and read one of my new books. Within 2 minutes, I was conked out. I didn't wake up until midnight.
I'd spend all night losing sleep/ I'd spend the night and I'd lose my mind
I had weird dreams. In my dream, the Borders cafe had a hot tub and swimming pool. I showed up there at midnight or something to go swimming. Hannah was in the pool swimming and telling me about ordering jelly beans. The break room had this huge rack of gay pride necklaces and Camp Trans earrings for sale for us to wear. I printed up some stuff. Hannah, Vidya, and Amy were there having a weird conversation about printing things. I was very out of it. I kept hearing someone calling my name, eerily and far away. "Denali, Denali." I looked out the window and it was Johanna. (This girl who introduced me to the wonders of oral sex back in high school.) I couldn't open the window far enough for her to see me, but I kept calling out "I'm up here!" It was a weird dream. It really disturbed me. It was totally a stressed-out dream. Also, Hannah had horrible, horrible hair. I was acutely aware of her bad hair and the dream and felt like I should say something, in case she didn't know.
my windows look into your bathroom/where I spend the evening watching/ you get yourself clean
So, now I am awake, but still kind of sleepy. I have work tomorrow at one. I quit Walgreen's. I did it in a dorky-ass way as well. I just ran in and told Mr. Wurst I was sick and had to go. I told him I wanted to go home to my mom. Huh? It was totally on-the-fly. I am so glad and relieved. I am terrified that I will hate Borders now! It's getting a little stressful, now that there are so many fucking holiday shoppers.
and I wonder why it is that they left this bathroom so unclean/ so unlike me
Daddy offered to pay for me to go home. I think I might. For a few days. Only, I'd have to go on teh train. I don't know if I can handle the train. The train. The train. The train.
Where the Sky Below Meets the Sea Above
(Bonfire Madigan)
Thursday, December 19, 2002
02:21 p.m.
this is how the clock sounds after 3, i know now where you most wish to be
It's my day off. Day off! A blessing. It is snowing outside, a welcome change from the rain of the past few days. I have been reading Ayun Halliday'sThe Big Rumpus. She is a bad ass. Seriously. Read her book. I want to write her a letter telling her how cool she is, which I suppose I will do today.
all we are is something in line, give her best farewell & then goodbye goodbye
I called into Walgreen's again last night. That's twice in one week. I am going insane, absolutely insane. I cannot handle working there. It is horrible and boring and makes me want to scream and hurt people. Yesterday was the last straw. The customer's smell so bad that it makes me physically ill. I run to the bathroom and throw up. They are disgusting. Last night, two women came in and were total and complete bitches. ARGH! Tomorrow, I am telling Mr. Wurst that I am going to cut my hours back hardcore. I was going to quit altogether, but quitting looks pretty shitty on future job applications. On the other hand- I love Borders. Kirk has been giving me more hours.
lay in circumstance a filthy pool, we want something new
Yesterday I mailed off my three Christmas packages. They went to Meema, the kids, and Sara. The postmaster didn't have any boxes (wtf???) so I bought GIANT mailers. Haha. Because the postmaster's took so long, I didn't have time to go deposit the check from John. I will do it today and also eat at Jimmy John's, across the street. Their subs are really good, but they drip mayo out of the bottom. A little gross, but still the subs are delicious. Today I have to do actual Christmas cards. Writing Sara letters on Christmas cards does not count as writing my Christmas cards.
the money says monkey see then monkey do still want to be something new
I want to go see The Two Towers but again, no one to go with or anything. Everyone is busy. I am not going to Dykes do Drag tonight, damnit. Oh well. I am not looking very sexy today, which is a must if one is going to a drag show. One would hope that some sexy butch would pick me out of the din to take on a date. Not going to happen. I am going for coffee with Tricia today though. Cool. Well... I have to go get dressed and go to the bank.
Monday Monday Monday
(Tegan and Sara)
Monday, December 16, 2002
11:22 p.m.
this week or last week, I don't really care about it anymore
Monday. Ugh. Yesterday, I called in to Walgreen's so that I could sleep. Sleep I did. Slept and slept, until John's blasting Tchaikovsky awoke me. He didn't know I was home and asleep. I should have left a note. I needed the rest. This morning, I got my arse out of bed and took a 20 minute shower, lavishing in the hot water. I like my water hot, my shampoo bluey-green and peony-scented, and my clothes clean and dry, waiting for me to crawl into.
I write myself this later I tell myself you let me go
without me
Vidya was awesome and drove me to Walgreen's after a short stop at the tobacco shop. The clerk there has a thing for her. Vidya says she doesn't know if the guy likes her or wants to hook her up with his son. Hah! I love it when I see Vidya. She is a fucking bad ass bitch. She inspires me to be confident for the rest of the day. She tells me truths and knows what she is talking about that. I appreciate that. She is blunt and not at all facetious. I admire that.
oh what's wrong with you Monday Monday Monday Monday Monday Monday
The highlight of my life right now is my nightly Sara time. I look forward to it in the evenings. Sara grounds me. She reminds me that I am real. That I am loved and can love. I got her a present today. She put a counter on her page to count down how long it is until I come home. I miss her. A lot. Sara is one of those rare people that I fell for head-over-heels and was able to successfully convert my overwhelming feelings into a friendship. I want to go visit her. Hannah is driving to Mad-town this month. She may let me come along, if I pay gas money (duh).
I say damn your mood swings damn your mood swings
oh, and I I say damn your moodswings damn your mood swings
Tricia Carmody. The first girl I ever kissed, in my blossoming lesbianism. She lives here in St. Paul and I relocated her! We are going to coffee or something on Thursday to reminisce. She still lives with Jenny Wellens, who surprisingly, did NOT turn out to be a dyke. I know. Weird. I wonder if she looks the same. When I was 14, I was entranced by her ear lobes and would stare at them for hours during school. Ah. Baby Dykey Lurve.
I'm calling out I don't really care for your city anymore
Speaking of BDL, I want to know what happened to Bridget McCann and Karissa. They were my first crushes. Bridget and I ended up having a class together when I was 14, four years after I started having dreams about her. We talked a lot and the whole thing culminated in us spending an hour in her car, filled w/ sexual tension, parked in Green Isle Park. We came out to each other (sort of). Nothing happened. She drove me home, kissed me on the cheek, and that was that. I moved to Ukraine, and I haven't seen her since. Karissa was her best friend. She turned out to be a total bitch. I have no clue what happened to her. As far as I know, Bridget lives in Steven's Point. If anyone can locate her, I would be greatly appreciative.
I spend the night I lay awake and miss you when you go
without me
When I came home today, there was a package for me. Rock. Don't Open Til Christmas. Oh well. That sucks, for a little Jewgrrl like me who has no concept of Christmas. I stuck the thing under Johngrid's Crimbo tree. I am allergic to that tree. It makes my chest feel tight and painful. Yuck. Johngrid have invited me to 2 Christmas parties. It was sweet of them, but spending 2 nights at heterocentric parties of families I have no connection to- ugh. They are very sweet to invite me though.
oh what's wrong with you? Monday Monday Monday
Monday Monday Monday
People at Borders. Graeme. He's a cool guy, but he keeps squatting and displaying his hairy ass-crack. GROSS! I can't handle it. It wrecks my day. Then there's Hairy Ben, whom I hate with a virulent passion. He won't stop acting like a concerned brother or something. He gets in my personal space. He does this stupid fucking thing where he gives other employees "tips." Okay. He has worked here like 2 months. He gives his "tips" to people like Lee who have worked there from the genesis. GET OFF YR FUCKING HIGH HORSE HAIRY BEN!!!!!
oh, and I, I say damn your mood swings oh, and I
I say damn your moodswings damn your mood swings
My feet are cold. I am cold. My work shoes smell awful. Really awful. Vidya commented on it and so did a customer at Walgreen's. Okay, that was really mortifying. I am throwing them away and wearing my Docs. Claire has some bad-ass boots. There were these Docs in NYC that I coveted when I was with Dorothy. I wonder if they still exist... Then there are the 0 boots at Birkenstock. God, I love boots.
Crucify
(Tori Amos)
Thursday, December 12, 2002
01:24 a.m.
Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get affraid what that could bring
I still feel like a leper at work. It wasn't so bad tonight. I know Ingrid resents my fling with Mr. Sonterre, but she has valid reasons, so I'm not hurt. But the idea that other people know hurts me. I hate myself for it. Still, I am glad I got to sleep with a man, because sometimes I have those urges and now I won't have the urge again for a few years, or ever, one hopes! Anyway, Walgreen's is the bane of my existence. The boredoom is overwhelming, even though I get 4 or 5 pages of journalling done a night.
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now
Today something weird happened. Lately, being unable to access powerful emotion has been putting a huge strain on me. I needed to cry. I needed the release. Then, I hit the nail on the head. What makes me cry? My dad. I called him. I was crying within 2 minutes. For once, he was a good dad. He comforted me, offered me $$ (I despise charity), and even offered to come visit me. He offered to get me a train to New Mexico to get me out of the cities, in case I go nuts living here. He was great. Whoa. I am stunned. My first reaction was "I wonder what he wants..." but I think he may have been genuine. He expressed genuine concern at Jessica's absence. He has pictures of me, him, and Jess, that he is sending me. He is starting to re-earn my trust. Still, it is unlikely he'll ever win it back.
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I met a girl on PlanetOut today. Within a few minutes of chatting, she went away. I checked her away message. It had a link to her LJ. I clicked it and while it was loading, I thought... god, that username is familiar. It loaded. It's Sarah's best friend's friend. Small little lesbo world. Oops. However, I also met a girl here in St. Paul who is really funny and beautiful. We're hanging out on Friday. She also met Jessica online. it's a small world after all...
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what GOD needs
One more victim
I talked to M. more about baby stuff today. She and her partner are going to start trying next month. They are using a known donor. We have traded good sites and given each other book recommendations. She showed me some kick-ass cloth nappies. I showed her my favorite books. I finished It's a Family Affair today. Tomorrow when I'm in the Midway, I'll trade it for The Queer Parents' Primer. I'm not planning to have Asher/Annapurna for at least 2-3 years, but I've got baby fever! Anyway. I am sitting for a photo shoot this week, if all goes well. I love sitting.
Keys to the Kingdom
(The Nields)
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
12:17 a.m.
I was making my way through the desert
I was making my way to the sea
I hate Walgreen's I could do something awful. Today didn't seem as long as usual, probably because I brought my journal and wrote about my future kids and my jealousy issues of the mamas I see. This is apparently normal, according to Hadar and to my newest lesbian parenting manual, It's a Family Affair. This book is British and so addresses different obstacles lesbians face in parenthood. Lordisa don't I wish adoption were so cheap and easy in the U.S.!
I was making some money for a ticket on a boat
When the keys to the kingdom came to me
I like the happy stories the best. The stories of the happy mamas and the happy women. I read Margaret Cho's book, I'm the One that I Want, a few days ago and was thoroughly satisfied in how she is happier with herself now. I wish I were happier with myself. I feel like a fucking leper at work. Even though only 5 people know about me and Mr. Sonterre, I can't help thinking that all the other employees resent me.
"No more will you walk as a stranger
No more will you travel alone
Listening to the Nields makes me happy and sad. I get into feeling good about myself listening to songs like Yesterday's Girl because I'm so proud of myself, but then Caroline Dreams hits and I feel horrendous again. I can't emote. There is a total block on my heart right now. I simply don't experience upper-level emotions. All day long I feel anger or sadness coming on, but I can't fully access my feelings. BLARGH!
No more will you be without your family
You've got the keys to the kingdom, come on home"
No more will I be without my family. I miss my mama. I miss my mama and how loving and graceful she is. I love that she will always love and respect Dorothy and Jessica and always accept them into her home and our family. (She never knew Sarah, but I'm sure she'd feel the same way about her.) I want to go home and tell her that I'm hurting and I just need a hug. God, please, please, please give me a hug. Just let someone reach out and hug me.
Caroline Dreams
(The Nields)
Saturday, December 7, 2002
11:59 p.m.
Hey girl, out in the street Counting the people you'll never meet
Home from a lovely few hours at Blue Moon with Melanie. The bus ride home was too short- I kind of wanted to revel in my night time bus ride. I love to ride public transportation, alone, at night, with music on my headphones, lavishing in the presence of myself. I drank a lot of tea today, and as such, have to pee. Pee. There's a shirt at Blue Moon I want. I love t-shirts, but I hate wearing them. They make me look adrogynous and dull. Blah!
Hey girl, what do you see All of the people you'll never be
I have so many aspirations and role models. I want to be a beautiful, strong mama. I want to carry my baby in a sling and nurse her. I want to kiss her forehead and hold her close to me. I want to change her little nappies and wake up at night knowing that I love her more than anything in the world. I have been reading parenting books like crazy. I finished The Hip Mama Survival Guide and am onto the sequel- The Mother Trip. There is yet another sequel, Breeders, that I really want. I read Dan Savage's The Kid today. I highly recommend it, to mamas, daddies, and everyone else. It's hilarious and touching and wonderful.
Caroline dreams, that's all she'll ever do
If she doesn't wake up, won't her dreams come true?
One of my two closest friends in the world lives surrounded by pain. I wish there were some way to show her my ineffable love for her, the way I would take care of her without a thought to anything else, the way I want to hold her and let her cry, and pet her hair. I love her so much, hate her pain so much, feel so hurt that I am hours away. My soraral love for her is so powerful. I want to absolve her of all the pain she feels, to make everything okay. I feel powerless.
She'll be free, free She'll be free, free
I need to go to bed, because I'm 8 minutes past my self-imposed bedtime. I have two doubles in a row. Ew. Also, because I am completely broke, I need to start walking to both my jobs, except for me kamikazi-like 1/2 hour commute between the two. Oy. Hanukkah is over and now I feel so un-festive.
Human Behaviour
(Björk)
Friday, December 6, 2002
(Shabbat, Hanukkah, St. Niklaus Tag
11:31 p.m.
If you ever get close to a human And human behaviour Be ready to get confused
A fun day. I didn't work again, for the second day, which was nice. I went to Borders to see Kirk, but ended up talking to Hannah. Then I went to Cub and shopped. A quick shopping- milk, cheese, Shabbat candles, ramen, and pierogies. Yum. I stopped at the dollar store and got hair things too. Whoo!
There's definitely, definitely, definitely no logic To human behaviour But yet so, yet so irresistible
Hannah was my superhero and took me & Haven to Best Buy again. I laid down the law and demanded they fix her. We also had a funny incident- I had some rawther revealing photos of Amber Benson and Alyson Hannigan on the desktop. Hannah and I got a kick out of that. We also went to Mattress Land or whatever to get Hannah's bed delivered. We tried out the store model. Comfy. I am getting sick of the futon. Even my dorm bed will be an improvement.
And there's no map They're terribly moody And human behaviour Then all of a sudden turn happy
So, Mr. Wurst, the store manager, called me today. Mr. Sonterre and he have had a talk and he's being transferred to a new store effective immediately. Talk about speedy negotiations. I would give so much to have seen Mr. Wurst approach Mr. Sonterre about what happened! Oh the gossip!
But, oh, to get involved in the exchange Of human emotions is ever so, ever so satisfying
I had two other phone calls as well. One was Melanie, we talked for a few hours. I missed her so much. I'm glad we're starting to reconnect. She met Luka and loves him just as much as I do. :) The other was... my dad. Yeah. Weird. I haven't heard from him in months. I left him a message wishing him a Happy St. Niklaus Tag, and he called back. Weird. He kind of offered me $$, which I don't want. Still, he was über-nice on the phone and made me feel bad that I dissed him so badly in my past two letters to Nanny (his mom).
Of human emotions is ever so, ever so satisfying
Well, it's Shabbat and I shouldn't be writing in here, but who cares, having already broken shabbos in about 100 ways (not keeping kosher, using electricity, riding in a car, etc.) I am not too concerned. Still, I have work in less than 8 hours, so it's off to bed with me, with a copy of The Hip Mama Survival Guide to read for a few minutes.
Mr. Zebra
(Tori Amos)
Friday, December 6, 2002 (Hanukkah)
12:45 a.m.
hello mr. zebra can I have your sweatercause it's cold cold cold in my hole hole hole
Well, Haven is officially an invalid. After 0 of labor, she's still an absolute sickie. I am going to take her to Best Buy and chew their fucking heads off for making me pay for a complete restore that didn't fix ANY of the problems. Both DoIT and HP Technical Support say that I should force them to replace Haven. Poor baby. I hate Best Buy. Rot in hell, fuckers!
Ratatouille Strychnine sometimes she's a friend of mine with a gigantic whirlpool that will blow your mind
So, the Mr. Sonterre thing is over. Yesterday, Ingrid went to him at work and told him that our whatever-it-is is making it impossible for her to work because she can't respect his authority because he's having sex at her house. Then, after everyone had left but the floor cleaner (yes, the same floor cleaner who started it all...) Mr. Sonterre and I spoke in the office and decided not to see each other outside of work. He drove me home, I gave him his Hanukkah present, and that was that. Then, today, Ingrid came into my room and hugged me and asked if I was okay. Then she said she'd appreciate it if I told Mr. Wurst (our store manager) what was going on. I'm quitting Walgreen's if the full-time at Borders goes through, but Ingrid would have to keep working with Mr. Sonterre in her incomfortable situation. So, off we went in the cold to see Mr. Wust privately. He seemed kind of disappointed, but promised he'd "protect me." He's going to make sure I don't have to work with Mr. Sonterre anymore. He didn't really say whether or not he'd have Ingo work with him anymore. I guess he's going to call the district manager and have Mr. Sonterre quietly sent off to another store. This'll be the second time this has happened to Mr. Sonterre- sleeping with an employee and getting transferred. I think Mr. Sonterre is afraid that I used him. I am too. I wasn't really interested in him, but I wanted to sleep with a guy. I like our banter and conversations, but I am totally incapable of connecting with him on any other level.
hello mr. zebra ran into some confusion with a Mrs Crocodile
furry mussels marching on she thinks she's Kaiser Wilhelm
or a civilised syllabub to blow your mind
Hanging out with Hannah yesterday was cool. The snowstorm was absolutely gorgeous. We went to Linens & Things and looked at sheets. She and Vidya do not fit in the single bed Hannah grew up with, so Hannah's buying a new, big, bed. Hannah rocks for waiting with me in Best Buy while the fuckwits messed around with and accomplished nothing with Haven. She did her thesis on Smallville slash.
figure it out she's a goodtime fella she's got a little fund to fight for Moneypenny's rights
I can't figure out if Ingrid and John are home or not. I think I fell asleep on the sofa because I woke up on the sofa this evening and they weren't around. So I went up to my room and after reading for a while, heard them leave. They must have been in their room. Anyway, I did some dishes and couldn't find them anywhere. I had to knock on their bedroom door to determine if they were home so that I could play a CD whilst doing dishes. Hm. I know John wanted to go to Perkins. No matter.
figure it out she's a goodtime fella "too bad the burial was premature" she said and smiled
So, it looks like the next computer, already dubbed Twyla, will be a Dell. I can't wait to get back to school. I want to hang out with Sara and get involved at Hillel. John and Ingrid didn't appear tonight, so I lit their menorah. It seems wrong to let the menorah go unlit. Only one more night of Hanukkah. It's sad. I am niddah. I have my period, that is, and cannot touch another person I am in a relationship with until my period has been gone for seven days. I would like to go to a mikvah but I don't want to go alone. Ingrid and I have our periods at the same time, but she doesn't want to go to one. Again, when I get back to Madison, I'm going to get involved with the Rosh Chodesh group. Good night, on this the 7th night of Hanukkah.
Sweet Sangria
(Tori Amos)
Wednesday, December 4, 2002 (Hanukkah)
01:29 a.m.
i know you know every desperado and sharp shooter
in the west
Hopefully my last night on John's computer. Not that John's computer isn't nice, I'm just excited about Haven's return. Hannah is coming over tomorrow at 3 to take me to Roseville to pick her up. They're doing a virus removal and a complete recovery. Go techie dudes. I wish I was better at computers. The Indian dudes I spoke to on the phone said I was much more well-versed than anyone who'd called HP support before. It was a very high compliment, in my opinion.
you say that i can't see behind the mask of those who call themselves the good guys
We had our Hanukkah party tonight. Though small, I really enjoyed myself. John's parents came and left before Hannah and Vidya arrived. We also had Tom and his wife Jenni. They are newlyweds. They don't seem it, having been together for seven years. I loved the food! I ate so many latkes. Isha and I had to make an emergency run to Mississippi Market for latke mix and other sundries. I went to Target and Dollar Tree and bought Ish and John wine glasses and cupcake tins. I wish it were Hanukkah all the time.
in this who take and take "so are you with me or not you say this time decide"
Kateri left me a guestbook signing! Hurrah! I think of her, Jason, and Tida often. I wish I could be there to hug Tida and let her know I think of her as I light my menorah. I have looked up to Kateri for nearly seven years. I am sad that I'll be going back to Madison and won't get to see them again anytime soon. Families. They make me wonder what Jess and I could have had. Now I know how important it is to me to raise my children in a Jewish, non-smoking household. It is comforting to watch Ingrid and Tom struggle with helping their spouses not to smoke. Watching them quit, I know it is possible and that if Jess really wanted to, she could have done it. The thing is, she doesn't want to. I am worried, because I love her and don't want her body to deteriorate and kill her, but I understand that it is her decision and never was mine. I respect that, but I feel sorry for her.
balmy days sweet sangria, she's been gone, have you seen her?
Have you seen me? I am so happy to finally be seeing myself. God has blessed me with clarity and thanks. I am so thankful for everyone in my life during this holiday season. Know that I am always thinking of you and wishing you the best. Last but not least for tonight- HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG TITS!!!
Amber Waves
(Tori Amos)
Monday, December 2, 2002 (Hanukkah)
05:58 p.m.
into every young man's bedroom - you gave it up on dvd and magazine - you gave it up
Well, it's Monday evening and I'm curled up in a blanket, freezing my arse off. I am home sick from work, due to some sort of stomach thing. Ew. I am absolutely exhausted. Last night after Jason left, I ate some potato with John and Ingrid and collapsed in bed. Today during break, I napped the whole hour.
a private rite of passage you gave it up to every boy's sweet dream with their paper cuts
Saturday night was heavenly. Heavenly. I saw Tori Amos!! She was amazing and beautiful and sang and sang and sang. There were two encores. It was so powerful and intense. I almost cried. Afterward, I waited by her bus for hours until she appeared, Natashya in arms. Oh my Tori, I was so happy.
you said "he's got a healing machine it glows in the dark glows in the dark"
Tomorrow is our Hannukah party. I am excited. I don't expect Jason to show up, due to logistical problems. I'm sure if he showed up, the secret of our lifestyle would be revealed to our co-workers. It has to be kept clandestine, so neither of us are fired or transferred. Ingrid is shopping for the party now. I wanted to go along. Being a sickie is not so fun.
you say "there's not a lot of me left anymore -
just leave it alone."
I got my period today, a few minutes ago. Why do I feel such a powerful sense of loss when my flow begins? Allison and I talked about it once, how it meant the loss of a chance for life, despite the fact that we had no intentions of having a child. My period makes me feel so womanly. I want to go to Rosh Chodesh, but I can't really make it to Madison and I won't be in Minnesota long enough to find a group. God Bless, on this the fourth night of Hanukkah.
Not Tonight
(Tegan and Sara)
Friday, November 29, 2002 (Thanksgiving)
12:14 a.m.
love, pull your sore ribs in, i will pull your tangles out
I am listening to Hedwig & the Angry Inch. Okay. So I just took a shit, but the toilet wouldn't fill, so I came back in here to warm up until I could go get a bucket and fill it manually... but I just heard someone go into the bathroom. Oops. That's embarassing! Leaving one's... waste in the toilet is embarassing. So, Thanksgiving.
in the back of your car i feel like, i have traveled nowhere
I spent last night at Jason's. His roommates are only like, the most fucking obnoxious people ever. While we were sleeping, they kept coming in the bedroom, turning on the light, and staring at us curled up in the blankets. Fuckwits. I would have gotten up and yelled them shitless. However, I was exhausted and so not willing to give them a gratuitous peek at my nudity. Fuckwits. There is a reason I like girls. I am never sleeping there again, despite Jason's fast computer and comfortable bed. Jason drove me home around noon. We got to sleep in, all curled up. It was nice.
what will bring me home, what will make me stay? i don't know
Work today was okay. It was really mundane. Julie, Bao, and I engaged Mr. Melby in a conversation about his favorite condoms. I don't have favorite condoms. I use Trojan Ultra Thins on my toys. Sherisse, our resident Jehovah's Witness, told me about her crack-dealing family. God, you've got to love Walgreen's. Bao is worried that Jason is using me. I think she should be more worried that I'm using him. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but he's my manager at Walgreen's.
Everything in my body says not tonight, everything in my body says no
Thanksgiving was had at Ingo's mom's house. David, her absolutely darling little brother, was there. We had wonderful food. The turkey was unbelievably moist and tender. Yum. I looked at Ing and David's baby pictures. They were such perfect babies. I looked at Ingrid's photos of the day she was born. Why do I want to give birth so much? My new book, The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians, is absolutely wonderful. I am buying a basal thermometer and starting to check for "spin." Don't worry. No actual plans for baby until after college. The names I've picked are Asher Chaim (boy) and Annapurna Kateri (girl).
Ishka (Ingrid) & me
A Real Man
(Sleater-Kinney)
Thursday, November 28, 2002
12:54 a.m.
don't you wanna feel it inside, they say that it feels so nice
I'm at his house right now. It is surprisingly easy to be straight. Or to sleep with a guy, rather. I feel so... full. Okay, but his music is... annoying. I think I am going to try to figure out how to change it so that I can listen to something normal, like S-K. Okay, phew. Changed. I really like this... fuck friendship. It's nice.
all girls should have a real man, should i buy it? i don't wanna
Ironically, I am really into "A Real Man" lately. Becky and Sarah were pretty upset when I told them. I never thought I'd be so grateful for my straight girl friends, because they totally get what I'm talking about. Ingy and Sara are grand. I thought when I went to work today, I'd be really nervous and standoffy and shite. It turned out that he wanted to call and he came to Borders yesterday to take me to lunch. Nice. We kissed a little on our cigarette break and decided to come back here after work. So, here I am. His room is tiny. His bed is so soft. I could just sleep there all night. Mmmm. I feel like going out to the kitchen and getting drunk, but getting up is so much effing effort.
i don't wanna join your club,i don't want your kind of love, i don't wanna join your club, i don't want your kind of love
I guess if Corin can change her mind, I can too. She and Marshall are so cute. I played S-K on the overheads this morning at work. I worked with Vidya. We got lunch at Cub together. She and Hannah have been dating 3 weeks now. Okay, they are so cute I want to... squeal and hug them both. They are the cutest couple I have ever seen. They give each other these little kisses. It's darling. Darling. They are almost exactly the same size and all cuddly with cute hair.
if you had it in your thighs you'll see that it feels so nice, "you wait, you'll cum every time"
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I sent Nanny at Turkey Day card, but instead of being full of thanksy messages, I dissed my dad hardcore. Oops. I also sent Hadar, Dina, and Raffi a Hanukkah card. Hannukah begins Friday. We are having a party on Tuesday. We have invited Mai, Bao, Julie, Laleh, Tom, Jenni, Jason, Hannah, and Vidya. John will be there, and me, and Ingo. Plus, there will be latkes, donuts, pierogies, and other Jewish goodness. Ingo and I got really kitschy decorations in Highland the other day. Go us!
all girls should have a real man, should i buy it? i don't wanna
Luka will be here tomorrow. Jessica and I are not on speaking terms and I'm sure Luka hates me. I regret that. I love him so much and losing him and Marian are among the most painful parts of my loss. I am seeing Tori in a few days. I have been ordering crap offline. I should be getting 2 packages soon.
Not Tonight Josephine
(Tori Amos)
Thursday, November 14, 2002
02:26 a.m.
in an army's strength lies the denouement
There's a book I'm reading called Girls on the Verge. I'm a girl on the verge. Living alone is a challenge, though it's not alone, it's with Jingrid. I have to tell myself that, because life without Jess is alone for me right now. I don't mean to insinuate emptiness at all; I am happy and doing well. I just miss her voice and having someone there nearby all the time. I miss her, she is my closest friend and it's hard to go from constant companions to seeing each other occasionally.
from here you're haunting me
Still, work crushes are fun. I have a couple right now- a main one and some sideline crushes. They make me laugh and give me something to look forward to. I am saving up money. My new checks came in the mail today, with my new address. I love being on my own. I wish I had a baby girl to share it with. That is not to be, not for several years, but I still like to dream about it. I spent an hour and a half in Target the other day picking out a bassinet and sheets and little onesies and other baby paraphenalia. I think of my future babies, their names, and how much I will love them. I know I will be a good mother.
By the Seine so beautiful
Hanukkah is coming. Ingrid and I picked out a menorah; we're still looking for candles. I need to buy everyone's presents. Thank god for Borders Employee Appreciate Days this weekend!! I hope to receive the new Lord of the Rings special edition DVD set. *hint* haha. I am not expecting anything, but I love to give presents. I'm just sad that I'm so far away from everyone and won't get to hug them and such.
so beautiful, only not to be of use, impossible
Well, I have to go meet someone in the night. I hope the stars are bright tonight and that we meet safely out there.
