you have to go
i won't tell you to stay
Monday, August 30, 2004
11:59 p.m.

I'm home from my straight girlfriend's. We sat on the couch and ate pizza, watched six episodes of a TV drama, braided hair, and had no sex. (It was a lot like my last relationship actually, just fewer pretenses.) Sara is one of the few constants in my life. We cycle through good periods and bad periods, but eventually, there are always nights in bemoaning lack of sex and ordering delivery.

Today my therapist asked if I was mourning my relationship. I'm not, but there are still moments when I am conscious that I am only me now, without another person to consider in evening plans, grocery shopping, and video rentals. My ex is still out there and I pray that she is finding her place in the world as well. Again, cheesy.

It's not that I'm totally without longing. I had this dream of a woman I once held; it seemed that I could physically feel her body curled against mine and her breath on my collarbone. It's strange, the passing of years and the passage of women with their specific scents- combinations of shampoo, lotion, and all that bug stuff. I get melancholy and weird when I am up too late.

My job is physically and emotionally exhausting. Tomorrow John and I host our first social event, a gathering in the MSC Satellite complete with a taco bar and rainbow decorations. I'm becoming more at ease with talking in front of large groups of people, but still feel uncomfortable in huge social events. Last night, I sat on the grass and watched John mingle with the C/S/S residents and win the limbo contest. In the past week, I've come out to thousands of residents and staff. Weird.

Ah well, I need to get some sleep. Somewhere out there, Diana is having spendidly lascivious phone conversations and Eric is revelling in memories of the past weekend. May their good fortune be extended throughout our social circle!

i carry you baby, i carry around
Saturday, August 28, 2004
09:32 p.m.

Tonight John Joseph and I met another couple thousand UW-Housing residents. He arrived around 4:45, completely soaked from the pouring rain. We rode down to Lakeshore and within seconds, my entire ass was soaking wet, looking like I had a terrible accident in my sexy new jeans. It took us several hours and numerous sprints around campus on our bikes, but we made it to more house meetings than I could count, eventually collapsing in the Chadbourne office. My job is exhausting but I love it already.

It is really bizarre to come out to thousands of people and be immediately recognizable thereafter by my sexuality. That I am gay is pretty much the only thing these individuals know about me besides my name. It's a bit strange. I am relieved that my ex will not be subjected to the scrutiny I am under; her safety as a closeted woman would be undeniably compromised.

It's only 9:40 but I feel like it's 3am. Lately my evenings have been fairly routine. I come home after hours of outreach, exhausted. I fuck around online for a while, call the object of my affections, and fall asleep as we talk or immediately after hanging up. My body is sore and tired. Don't I wish I could be held close all night by another warm body...

At any rate, it's time to throw myself on the floor and start to settle down for the night.

what's with this new version of who you are?
Thursday, August 26, 2004
06:15 p.m.

So, I finished watching the first season of The L Word. Everyone was right, it is not the most realistic show and it's kind of choppy, but it is impossible not to watch. Marina is incredibly hot and contrary to Eric's prediction, I do not hate her despite her lifestyle habits. She gets what she wants and she's so sexily aloof. I think Jenny the Writer is annoying as fuck. I can't understand what Marina sees in her, argh. Unfortunately, Diana's already laid claim to Marina, damn.

The summer is ending. The early arrival residents moved into the dorms earlier this week and the rest come Friday and Saturday. John Joseph, my partner on our Super Team Omega of LGBT Liaisons, and I must try to attend every single one of the first round of house meetings. Together, we cover all of housing, about 7,000 people. Every night for the past few weeks, Housing holds socials for staff and new residents. Last night the theme was "taco dip;" tonight we move on to "root beer floats." There are so many people to meet, but I am hopeful to make the lives of my residents more safe and inclusive over the coming year.

Ani DiFranco and Margaret Cho are coming to Madison in a month for a joint concert. I am going with Sara, who is by now used to posing as my girlfriend for public events. She's my concert companion, I think I've only been to four or five without her.

At any right, I don't really have much to say right now. Work is intense and my personal life is fairly turbulent at the moment. I am aching for the semester to start so I have something on which to focus my thoughts.

please try not to love me
close your eyes, i'm turning on the light
you know i have no vacancy
and it'
Sunday, August 15, 2004
04:39 p.m.

I enjoy spending time alone. As a child, I played alone in my room much of the time, reading or setting up elaborate Playmobil landscapes. My father often told my sister he wished she'd acquire the ability to be left by herself without worry. Today, I still love the quiet. Other people make me unsettled and I tend to babble nervously.

Then, there are those in my life who settle comfortably into my space. The GF and I spent nearly a year in hiding, our lives dangerously converging. We became co-dependent, secreting away the details of our days in the so-called safety of our relationship. Now, as we struggle to detach ourselves from each other, I notice the quiet much more. It is odd to wake without my legs tangled in hers, to sleep without ferociously stealing my pillow back. I do not wait for her return from work or wander about trying to find where she put my hairbrush. I have my own space now, un-marked by anyone but myself.

I moved into my permanent room on Friday. I'm back in Barnard, only a few doors down from the tiny room I shared with Adrienne. It's actually two small rooms and two small closets. The big room seems incomplete; I need a carpet and some kind of seating. I am the only person living on my floor right now. The first day, I wandered into all the rooms, climbing on the furniture and watching the changing views from windows all the way around the building. I like this quiet time, when I don't have to worry that some guy will see me scurry down the hall in my towel. I am also eager to meet the other residents, chat in the elevator, and eat spontaneous lunches in the cafeteria.

Enough self-absorption. The Olympics are on and I must marvel at women with taut muscles and scary ponytails.

my whole life revolves around your absence
until I can't remember
what I do, what I know
or where I go
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
08:08 a.m.

Good morning! I feel rested. Last night, I crawled into bed around 8:30pm and fell asleep for a few hours. I was exhausted. Then I woke up, called California, and very nearly fell asleep on the phone. You know the kind of late-night talking where you think you are listening and responding but you're really just lying there silently? Yeah. That was me. I must have fallen completely asleep by midnight and then woke up at 7:30am without an alarm.

It is freezing outside. Seriously. One must dress for the fall and really, no one packed for that. Today we must leave our diversified little burrow in Kronshage to train for a little while with the housefellows. This should be interesting. As there are only two of us LGBT liaisons for the whole campus, John Joseph and I must meet every single housefellow on campus. This is proving difficult as every single male housefellow appears to be named Chris or looks like he could be named Chris, if you know what I mean. But don't worry, I know Furby Lo, so I'm set.

Going to housing just after Congress is kind of a mind fuck. Here, people don't swear in public, they are all very cheerful, and they don't talk about sex openly. For example: an ice breaker at Congress might be "What do you want in your bathtub with you?" and here it is "Why is your name unique?" Both are fine, I just like to notice the differences in social justice via advocacy vs. organizing.

Okay, Natalie must be up because I can here the Alicia Keys from across the hall. Time for breakfast!

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It's just the nearness of you
Monday, August 9, 2004
10:23 p.m.

Today has been the longest day of my summer. It was longer than my overscheduled days (and nights) at Congress, longer than the dull days of procrasination, and longer than the days I woke up early to go to therapy. I woke up at 8:30 to move my things to Barnard Hall.

First, though, the newly-ex-gf and I had to go to Perkins where she made me feel like an asshole. This is valid, because I have been an asshole, but it still doesn't feel grand to be called out on one's shit. The newly-ex-gf helped me bring two loads of my things over in her car and I moved the rest with one of those canvas housing carts.

Technically, one should not take said carts away from the res halls. Still, I proudly pushed my cart down University Ave, loading and reloading it with filing boxes, rubbermaid tubs filled with Playmobil, vibrators, and traditional Pueblo clothes and computer accessories. The last trip was hell, with my heavy black suitcase filled with about 150 books and the bookcase on top of the cart. It was painful and I was sweating like... something really sweaty. It felt great, the pain. All the tension I'd been carrying from ending my relationship came out as I shoved boxes into place and pushed the cart up the road. I like my new little set of rooms, especially the air conditioning and two huge closets. Whee!

My LGBT liaison training began today. Many of my friends are working in housing this year so I have been spending spurts of time with John Joseph, Natalie, and Furby. The evening is winding down and I am blissfully happy. I have made the right decision in walking away. Furby gave me a fabulous backrub and Eric soothed away my anxieties on the phone, all to a soundtrack of Norah Jones. Now, Miss Lo is wandering circles in my room trying out her new hair gel.

So, here's to a new era of my life. My senior year is starting off in a blur of my McNair paper, magical phone-call lullabies from CA, and bike rides through the night. I rode back to Cole Hall (where we're staying during housing) on my bike, finally putting my new Tri-LED bike light to use. The blinking light's reflection on the street signs seemed like it was laughing at me, savoring freedom and possibility.

Jesus, Mary, and (as John Joseph would say) Jesus' Surrogate Daddy, that was cheesy. Here's to August!

You don't want to lose her
She must be worth losing
if it is worth something
Saturday, August 7, 2004
08:19 p.m.

Applying to graduate school is one of the scarier things I will do this year. I want to go into a post-baccalaureate Curriculum and Instruction program that does not require previous licensure. I can't afford to redo my undergraduate degree. Of course, all the school websites are terribly confusing. Being faced with decisions for my adult life scares me. I get this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and wish someone would just appear on the scene, marry me, and take care of all my financial needs so I can be a stay-at-home mother. (Except that I don't particulary want to get married just yet, I just want the financial security, which is the totally wrong reason to be in a relationship.)

So, marriage aside, I have this daunting task of preparing myself for graduate school. It is entirely possible to have a totally unrelated B.A./B.S. and still get the kind of job I want. Aaron Bird Bear has the type of job I'd like and his undergraduate degree was in oceanography, I believe. I just need to meet with my McNair advisor so she can impart wisdom and set me on the path through application red tape.

Before all that, of course, comes packing up the summer sublet. I like to be thoroughly organized, which poses difficulty when I have so many material possessions. I want to let go of them, but it seems equally frivolous to throw my belongings away when they are perfectly serviceable. I wish I wasn't an out-of-state student so I could take about 3/4 of my things and store them in the boxcar at my mom's. Hopefully, she'll be up here in September and I can load up the car and send my carefully-labeled Rubbermaid bins home with her.

Anyway, back to the subject of Congress. It was lovely to see friends again, stressful to be so tightly scheduled, and vaguely traumatic to be separated from USSA space to return to dull Wisconsin. This year, things will be different. Sara, Kelly, and I decided to meet biweekly and now that Cedric's financial officer, he'll be there as well. USSA-wise, I want this year to go well and I firmly believe it will.

from hell and high water
her heart was made
no friend and no lover
could get in her way
Saturday, August 7, 2004
06:45 a.m.

I am officially home from Congress. We left Pitt around 4:30pm and arrived home at 5:30am after a stop at Ikea in Pennsylvania and dinner at Perkins (the quintessential ASM dining spot) in Ohio. I read The DaVinci Code, journalled, napped, and chatted it up on my cell phone until just outside Chicago, when my cell phone battery died and I conked out until we pulled up in Kelly's driveway.

I loved this year's Congress. It flew by too quickly and I'm left with this uncomfortable empty feeling because everyone has dispersed around the country. I'm alone in my apartment listening to Sleater-Kinney, which is very out-of-sync with yesterday morning's deep sleep in the Riverside delegation's hotel room. I hate this part, when I'm still in a USSAish mindset but am stuck in Madison.

I'll write more about the trip later. I am very, very exhausted. Two more days until moving out and the beginning of my diversity liaison training.