and everybody sees a funny look in our eyes
'cause we know that we already won the sweepstakes prize
Friday, April 16, 2004
12:09 a.m.
Since unofficially cohabitating with the GF, I have the delight of "coming home" everyday. Life is so taxing and it feels so good to walk in the door, stumble around kicking my shoes off, and sharing backrubs with lotion that smells like Orange Julius. Though this one of the most difficult and emotionally taxing times of my life, I have never been happier.
Years ago, my then-partner took hold of the downward spiral of my life and helped me "find myself" again. It sounds really cheesy, but one person loving you can make so much of a difference. Just love, day after day after day. Now, I am able to give that kind of love, every day. It is better to give than to receive. I love bringing home flowers, takeout, and paper plates shaped like animals. I love sharing ChocoTacos and watching The Cosby Show. I also love having someone to rub my back and totally take charge by entering pages of All-Access Pacts on the Choice USA website. I love.
My hair fits in a ponytail now. While I abhor any kind of "tail" in my hair, I have been pulling my hair back just because I can. So there, Jake, I can wear pigtails.
now everybody knows the sound
of jennifer falling down
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
10:38 p.m.
Well, I'm back in Madison. I was baptized, confirmed, and received my First Holy Communion this weekend at St. Augustine Church back in Isleta Pueblo. I received the baptismal name Renée and the confirmation name Patrisia. It was amazingly beautiful and my mom and godmother dressed me in the most beautiful new traditional clothes. My family gave me a wonderful reception and I am so thankful to have them in my life.
Life is still dragging me down. Everything seems so difficult and it's so easy to stay in with the GF. Today we ventured outdoors to class for the first time in weeks, visited our professor, returned a DVD, and purchased dinner and dessert. Now, we are once again ensconced in domesticity, curled together, avoiding the world. We have unofficially moved in together and despite the terror of the world outside, she is my heart, has my heart.
The march is the weekend after next. I am thrilled for it to come and go, thrilled for the actual work of organizing, thrilled to actually empower women to do things. Last week, I spoke to some fellow council members about running a reproductive health campaign next fall. I want something to happen on campus.
Please, just let the semester end.
disoriented, I cant tell my up from down
all I know is that I wanna lay you down
Thursday, April 8, 2004
04:12 a.m.
You know things are getting domestic when you have spats about which old t-shirt to wear to the bathroom and the GF falls asleep as you clip her nails. It's unbearably hot in the bedroom and there is no air circulation for fear the open window will invite people to stare at our naked brown skin. We have run out of apple juice and I am starting to think it would be fun to sleep on the floor with the refrigerator door open next to me.
I talked to my friend Wendee tonight. She is extremely mature and classy. She also calls me on my shit regarding NDN identity. I don't allow non-Natives to do that and since there is a paucity of NDNs on this campus, no one really keeps me in check. God forbid Mercile Lee tell me how to identify...
The GF is perfectly adorable when she sleeps. She has perfectly round toe pads that make her look like a little Amazonian tree frog. Her skin gets all soft and I smush my cheeks against hers. In the night, she likes to roll over so that I am trapped against the wall, the sides of the bed etching deep red marks in my back. It is disgustingly hot outside. I don't know why God invented humidity.
So hot! Ew! I am thinking of taking a shower, but all hair brushes and combs have gone AWOL as of late. I refuse to wake up with tangly, half-wet hair. Why is it so hot???
i don't go to sleep to dream
Thursday, April 8, 2004
03:47 a.m.
A survey stolen from Pinky, guaranteed to take up way to much space on my page:
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"...they are going to get you tonight." She tried to warn Agustin but..."
2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
remote for the TV
3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Queer as Folk, Season 3
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
3:45
5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
3:47
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
the GF snoring
7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?
I left Carson's Carryout to walk home w/ the groceries
8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
Pinky's page
9: What are you wearing?
pink paisley pajama pants, a white t-shirt, black underpants, a turquoise necklace, my glasses, my turtle bracelet, and six bangles
10: Did you dream last night?
Probably. I always talk in my sleep. A few nights ago, I was yelling at Pabitra and telling her I already voted.
11: When did you last laugh?
I forget.
12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Lots of little postcards and stickers, a mirror, and a scarf
13: Seen anything weird lately?
No, not really.
14: What do you think of this quiz?
It's kind of annoying to add html tags every few minutes.
15: What is the last film you saw?
In the theater? Ummm... The GF and I saw The Return of the King about a century ago.
16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
The shiny shirt!
17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
I spend a lot of time looking at clothes at bananarepublic.com
18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?get rid of systematic oppression
19: Do you like to dance?
yes, but not in front of people
20: George Bush: is he really doing Dick Cheney?
I don't think so. He's not down enough to be queer.
21a: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
Ana Milagro
21b: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Asher
22: Would you ever consider living abroad?
It depends upon where. I lived abroad as a child and loved it, but I was in a great country.
lovin' you darlin'
makes me so confused
Wednesday, April 7, 2004
01:43 p.m.
Morning again, another morning. They keep coming. Every night I go to sleep and every night, there it is, I wake up again. The days are long, stifling, overwhelming. My heart beats too fast and I can't distinguish between the days. Sometimes, I all want on this earth is to disappear into that gigantic bed past the beltline and listen to her singing as I doze against her shoulder. Things are increasingly mundane.
I have not, however, lost sight of the sacred. Yesterday, I lost my wallet and the GF's student ID card. After frantically tearing up one bedroom, I ran to the other and prayed the rosary and to St. Anthony. I took a deep breath and returned to the first bedroom, where my lost purple wallet appeared almost immediately. I prayed the rosary again and the lost ID card appeared miraculously in a pair of pants. It is these little things that help reinforce my faith, but it is the large things that build me up.
I grew up without any real religious structure, but I have come to know God regardless. I believe in God when I am loving, when I am emulating God by opening my heart. This year, I am learning how to truly love, how to give as selflessly as possible, to hold someone at night and never think of anyone else, to offer up the last bite of my beloved leftovers. Of course, I am far from perfect and last night, hoarded each and every bite of my pad lao. Then, my guilt was only reinforced by unlimited bites of curry squash this morning.
Learning to love is an ongoing process. I should make up for the pad lao lockdown by picking up some Choco Tacos.
You bring so much out of me I never knew I had, never had
And now I do, and you do too
Tuesday, April 6, 2004
11:42 a.m.
There is something about spring mornings that I love. I love the breeze coming in the windows, the chilly air on my face when I venture outdoors in the morning, and the way the green starts to creep back into Wisconsin. I love waking up, curled against brown skin, and seeing blue blue bluey irises in makeshift milkjug vases. I love spring because the whole world decides to shake free from the dull depression of winter gone on too long.
I keep having dreams about the march. There are only about 2 weeks left, this is crazy. I also have to write my papers and contact all these people about school stuff. Life is so overwhelming. Last night, I talked to one of my best friends, another organizer here on campus. Both of us have the desire to hide away next year, living alone, cooking, and studying. Sometimes, the whole world of organizing and advocacy makes me want to scream and hide in a ball and do nothing but cuddle and watch ER.
Of course, being as crazy as I am, I have been flirting with the idea of law school. I am envisioning lots of ritalin, lots of exams, and lots of crying. I think I'll stick with a masters in education. Since my parents are professors, I have this thing in my head that tells me I'll be a total failure if I don't emerge from life with a PhD. The idea of that much school is disgusting.
Nice outside day. I need to shower and go to class.
monday, monday, monday
oh and i say damn your moodswings
damn your moodswings
Monday, April 5, 2004
07:42 p.m.
Spring appears to be here. It'd better be, because I left my winter coat in Maryam's car. After lots of lots of over-taxing emotional stuffs, it's fabulous to walk in the sunset with a dish of ice cream and armful of blue irises. We are like superheroes with dirty shoes and a penchant for apple juice.
So, recently I was elected to student council. Now, of course, the revolution is only just beginning. Springtime! At yesterday's pow wow, I got a gift certificate to Rainbow Bookstore at the giveaway. I spent it on a book about indigenous female activists and the new Ariel Gore book, Whatever Mom!". I love books. They are my main weakness. I'm pretty good at siphoning funds into presents for others, but throw me in a bookstore and I can't resist temptation.
getting down like board members...
so hard to keep her satisfied...
Monday, April 5, 2004
12:17 p.m.
It's Monday morning and I'm exhausted, another sleepless night filled with tears and revelations in the dark. My room is so messy that it drags my spirits down, I don't even think I have clean underwear anywhere in here. I keep wishing I could crawl into bed and sleep until all my problems fizzle out of existence.
There are so many small things to be done- bus tickets to be mailed, potential riders to contact, revenue to send certified mail to the office, people to call and harass about paying for their seats. There are so many large things too, like dragging myself out of bed in the morning, the dreaded Hoxie paper for history, and the nearly 2-week late paper for Professor Hill. I don't know how to make it through the hours.
My plane ticket for Thursday sits by my computer, waiting. I am going home soon. I keep thinking about the moment I will step anxiously off the escalator at the SunPort and run to Mama to hug her. My sister will be chattering away about her flight up to Wisconsin and my brother will be back home, cranky and sleepy. Then, there's the thought of the return from home, back to school, two weeks after that until the march. I have dreams about the march, about missing trains and losing my delegation.
There are good things too, like budding springtime, the lake unfrozen, and Ned wearing a scrunchie to the pow wow yesterday. Nearly everyone I knew was there, laughing and dancing. I two-stepped with David, drank far too much Kool-Aid, and collapsed into Faun's car to be driven home, still clutching evergreen from Kyle in my hands. A good day, but a long day. There was a passion play at mass in the morning and the whole chapel was decorated in red.
I frequently ponder going into the ministry but push the thought out of my head for several reasons: 1) I probably would have to give up my computer, 2) I don't think I could handle a vow of poverty, and 3) I really like hott, gaywad sex.
In the hush before the heartbreak
I just want you to stay
Saturday, April 3, 2004
11:19 p.m.
My last scrutiny is tomorrow at the early mass. I fly to Albuquerque on Thursday, my baptism is at Easter Vigil a week from today. My aunt Virginia is my godmother. I am going home for the weekend. It has been years since I could utter those words. Mama invited Kyle and his family to my reception on Easter. It'll be good to see him again. I remember sitting in mass at St. Matthew's, wanting so badly to take communion & the shame of staying seated for so many years as even 2nd graders processed to receive the host. I have been reading the gospels, so far I like Matthew best.
According to the preliminary results, I was elected to student council. I ran with the F.U.S.E., a slate composed primarily of people of color and queer folks. Thank you to all those who voted for me and my fellow slate members. I am not exactly thrilled about being thrust back into the realms of ASM drama, but I am honored to represent students. Next year, I'll be doing council and working as an LGBT Housing Liaison. My last year of school, right? Scary.
I don't remember when I first thought I might be queer. The first written record I have found is in 1997, musings in my journal. Later that year, I filled in the bubble for "lesbian/gay/bisexual" in a demographic survey at my school. There were so many nights when I felt I couldn't possibly be queer because no one would believe me- I was, and am, Pueblo. I don't really remember when I began identifying as queer.
My parents haven't been particularly reactive to my identity. My dad took me to buy queer magazines and books frequently, but he still doesn't like to hear about my "personal friendships." He met two of my partners and approved of neither. My mother and I rarely discuss my sexual orientation, but at the time that I was coming out, I was going through worse than that, so the queerness slipped in quietly. I am often afraid that my lack of interest in men disappoints her, but only in that I might not be happy or accepted by society. My mother loved Jake and hosted D & family in our home. Today, my mother told me a "lesbian joke" over the phone. I am blessed and very privileged not have experienced open hostility from my parents as a result of my queer identity.
Tomorrow is the Wunk Sheek Pow Wow (not Pow Pow, heehee). Maryam and her little sister are coming for a 2nd time! I'm hoping Renée will also come so I can force her to two-step with me/ collect $10 for her refusal. Whee!
Brown skin, up against my brown skin
Need some every now and then
Thursday, April 1, 2004
10:57 p.m.
It is absolutely essential to update frequently in the beginning of the month so as not to anger the Sara with a paucity of updates later on. Right?
I'm not sure what happened, but my subwoofer has decided it doesn't want to be ignored. No matter what I do, the bass whomps from my room at abnormally low frequencies. Now, this sounds kind of weird when listening to, oh, say, Teen Girl Squad. "UHHHHIIIHHH HAVVVVE A CRUHHHHSH ONNN UVURY BOYYYH." Not cute. Apparently, the overuse of the word "cute" is a Madison thing.
Muny and I took the Badger Herald Student Choice Award survey. We put Himal Chuli for all the write-ins. I am craving samosas right now. Actually, we wrote "RED" as "Best Gym" and Ned Blackhawk as "Best Professor." You can win a iPod mini for taking said survey. Of course, you know the Badger Herald will obviously give the iPod to an obviously brown student who did not vote for Chin's as Best Asian Food or Taco Bell for Best Mexican Food. We'll see how it goes though, because it would be kind of fun to win an iPod.
I need to make another one of those nostalgic sad song mixes. I made Jake a mix. I need another one.
everyone knows about it
from the queen of england to the hounds of hell
Thursday, April 1, 2004
08:24 p.m.
Generally, I like to tidy my room before I go out of town so I can come home to a clean room, put away my travelling things, and crawl into bed. Of course, I made my room messier before LegCon so post-DC, it looks like a tornado, a hurricane, and a sizeable stampede of Choice USA organizing manuals hit it. Now, the whole prospect of bringing order to the 4502 Pearson universe is far too much to handle.
LegCon was a whirlwind five days of caucuses, EQ, and general sleep deprivation. I was so exhausted from the previous weeks of drama that I couldn't even stay awake long enough to hang out with my friends. I saw LaPink long enough to get my sweater back and Dono and Daniel were at PoNAD. I took 3 trips to the Choice USA office to bother Manish, pick up letterhead, and gawk at Sadie's photos from London. I bonded with my delegation, especially Lauren Woods, an amazing first year student who is now joining the housing delegation to the march. The two of us spent the drive back to Madison snapping at Chris Corliss, this white dude from SSFC.
So, I have a huge bruise on my ass that hurts whenever I sit down. However, it's Thursday and that means ER- and this week, it's a new episode focusing on Neela. Being away in DC meant I missed about 20 TiVOed episodes. Now I know what I'll be doing this weekend as I write my lit paper, history paper, and approximately 2.86 million e-mails recruiting people to my buses to Washington.
I go home to New Mexico a week from today and my sister arrives in Wisconsin shortly thereafter. My younger sister's visits are portents of trauma in my relationships. She flew up to Minneapolis to visit me in 2002 and one week before, Jake and I broke up. Last June, she came to Madison for a few days and Lilia and I broke up a week prior as well. I'm starting to think I should ban Elisabeth from seeing me outside of New Mexico. I am definitely not inviting her to my wedding, if I ever have one!
Student elections are finally over as of 8pm. I have absolutely no idea if I won and frankly, I don't give a damn.
