embrasse moi, je vois les étoiles
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
08:12 p.m.

I sent the e-mail to Aaron Bird Bear. I was worried about it, but just before I sent it off, I received an e-mail from two of the women from my First Nations' women's group, offering their full support. There is a meeting of the Advisory Council on Friday; they offered to bring the group to support me, even though we usually meet for our regular meeting at that time. I hope to accomplish something through this, I want the atmosphere in the department to change.

May 1st is on Thursday. It's a holiday at home. Every year when I am far from San Felipe, I wish I could be at home. However, I have the privilege of receiving this education and I need to understand that it entails sacrifice. I need to take some time to work through my privilege and process it to a greater degree. I feel like I don't have the vocabulary to express what I want to say.

all my friends are fuckin' bitches, best known for burning bridges
Monday, April 28, 2003
07:17 p.m.

It's Monday and I am in the ARCH because my computer, is at DoIT because of registry problems. Carrying a computer to DoIT, even with the aid of the bus, is not okay. Really. Neither is the quote I used to title this entry. Liz had a Kathleen Hanna pin today, which made me think of said song. We created a pamphlet of 10 steps to becoming a homo while on Library Mall this afternoon.

I saw Hannah and Vidya while in Minnesota this weekend. Afterward, Lilia and I went to the Gay 90s at her request, despite my conviction that I would never return. We saw a very unattractive man receive a hand job, so I don't think I'll be back again any time soon. I obtained some of my boxes from John and Ingrid's as well.

Tonight, apparently, is GoGA night at the Plaza. Girl on Girl Action may abound. I may stay home, to reflect on the conversation I had with Harvey today.

dissent's not treason but they talk like it's the same
(Pesach and Earth Day)
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
11:22 p.m.

I have taken evening naps for two consecutive days. Now, at nearly midnight, I am wide-awake and cranky. Supposedly, I am attempting to sleep before 2 now, but I haven't yet succeeded this semester (this is excluding the night I was sick). The weather begins to be beautiful; I am starting to remember that I much prefer Wisconsin springs to its summers.

I spoke to Aaron Bird Bear regarding the situation with Dr. Kenoyer. I need to write down definable goals; then I will have a meeting with the deans. Goals: 1. acquire new advisor (if at all possible, Sissel Schroeder) 2. cessation of racist comments 3. Dr. Kenoyer's apology. If I do not obtain these goals, I will contact the press.

For some reason, I feel like digging out the All Over Me soundtrack. As H. accesses her inner 14-year old stoner boy, I rediscover my long-latent 15-year old baby dykeyness.

there's more to come but you can't keep up
(Pesach)
Monday, April 21, 2003
10:09 p.m.

My brother has come and gone. Everyone says we look alike; we do. Out of his volition, he bought a peace pin and Free Tibet pin. We hiked down State St. holding a red peace lawn sign and discussing various subjects. Fortunately or unfortunately, my tour of Madison led him to believe the entire city is populated by homos. I put him on the bus today and waved as it drove away; I miss him so much, though he's only been away 5 hours. Lilia surprised me and came to the bus station; most likely the nicest thing anyone has done for me in quite a long time.

Lately there has been a lot of old Ani, which reminds me of being 16 and smoking copious amounts by the railroad tracks. I am awash in my old memories, reworking them, recasting them into new shapes as my life trundles forward, rendering what I once thought crucial into alienability.

I cannot physically eat any more potatoes or kugel. Really. When Pesach is over, I am eating Italian.

i've given you my last bowl of understanding
(Pesach & Easter)
Sunday, April 20, 2003
01:45 a.m.

As I have noted on many occasions, drama appears to be inevitable. While I would prefer to eliminate all melodrama from my life, it occasionally spirals out of my control. At such a point, I am now stepping away. I would rather be happy than involved in excessively turbulent situations.

I had lunch with Gabi today; my mom is going to try to find him an internship position. I also went and saw my summer sublet, which is only 1 block from the Willy Street Co-op, so I can get my fill of fresh artichokes and raspberries. As I will be living with Sarah, I hope to have good class attendance. I looked at my DARS report the other day and I am remarkably close to finishing school.

Holidays make me miss home. Last Easter, as we were going to Smith's for vinegar, Marian and I got pulled over. The Easter before that, I read Cunt and sat on the porch up on San Juan Pueblo, musing about Jesus. Why does Easter coincide with 4/20 this year? I do not approve.

ignorance has got us down, so far that we struggle in the underground
(Pesach)
Friday, April 18, 2003
11:49 p.m.

I just looked at my bank account. A complete disaster, but had I not looked just now, it would have been a bad situation. I am terrified about my summer aid money. What if it doesn't come through? I will still stay here, but I will probably just work the entire summer, in the same manner in which I worked in Saint Paul- about 80 hrs. per week.

My week has been exhausting; I am determined to relax all weekend. I am lavishing about my room glaring at the basket of laundry which remains undone. Emily and I have pretty much finished the lithic points assigment; if I do anymore, it will just be aesthetic. Pip will be here the day after tomorrow. I haven't seen him since May, when we left him and Elisabeth at the Sunport and Mama and I cried as we watched the plane fly away.

I had matzo ball soup twice today. Tomorrow it will be kugel. The cafeteria seems to think that we Jews enjoy eating the same meal twice a day during Pesach. Emily, Becca and I went to a seder at Ofek Shalom on Wednesday; it was a thousand times better than Hillel. They even put an orange on the plate. I wander what Inky is doing this week?

I was going to put my laundry in at nine.

mahk jchi tahm buooi yahmpi gidi
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
04:19 p.m.

Dialogues on not being brown enough. Pura and I talked about living as a POC, but still feeling like you'll never fully belong to your specific culture. I feel this; I hide feelings of inadequacy when I see how pale my skin is next to family's, when I mispronounce words in my language or reveal to my Native friends that a large portion of my close friends are white. However, these fears originate from whitestream culture, which, unlike home, unfailingly wants validation of my ethnicity. I don't need your CIB to prove who I am.

I have spent the day in the sun, drinking tea, smoking, and eating popsicles. The air is so heavenly that I want to go out and lie in it, but no, I must redo all the laundry I abandoned last week. Lordisa, and it is Pesach soon...

One of my favorite memories is from the summer when I was twelve. My extended family went up in to the mountains between Taos Pueblo and San Juan Pueblo and had a party by the Rio Grande, where the rapids run. My cousins and I would jump into the water before it funneled into a little chute; we'd let the river spit us downstream and emerge, laughing, our black hair pasted to our foreheads. Afterward, Aunty & I stopped at a playground in Española and watched the sun setting. It was the last summer of my childhood.

i don't need to prove myself
Sunday, April 13, 2003
05:31 p.m.

I had not seen the sunrise for a long time. The east was red, my feet bare and cold on the pavement. I miss the sunrises at home, coming up over the mountains. The boxcar casts shadows over the orchard. Mama & I fill the hummingbird feeders and flip them in swift, decisive movements.

i don't cry anymore
Saturday, April 12, 2003
06:16 p.m.

There haven't been any peace events for a little while. I feel this sense of complacency in the community, that we have resigned ourselves to the reality of the "war." None of the other peace activists I've spoken to has a plausible solution for how we can make things better at this point in time. I wear my peace badges and spout liberal rhetoric, but in reality, I don't know how to make amends either. This isn't even a real war, it's an invasion, an occupation. Our soldiers parading the streets with their firearms are reminiscent of another time; a time I am forced to recall. It is the responsibility of the American soldiers to help rebuild what they have destroyed; instead I see images of them reclining on lavish couches in Saddam's palaces.

A girl from Tuba City became the first Native woman to die in combat. Why are we fighting white people's wars? Because we, as POCs, are more expendable. Losing one of ours won't make a difference, right?

the littlest birds sing the prettiest songs
Friday, April 11, 2003
06:53 p.m.

The opt-out referendum got voted down, thank God.

Today is absolutely gorgeous. I went out and bought shampoo. I'm wearing a red dress with little pink flowers and a pink scarf. I relish spring, everything starts to be green. Everybody around me is falling in love. I am falling in love with my independence all over again.

i’ll keep kicking the crap till it’s gone
Thursday, April 10, 2003
03:18 a.m.

Today was Day of Silence. I maneuvered my way through the day with very little talking; I did speak to Pabitra because I figured we already recognize each other's oppression. Sara and Katie met me at the rally; I ran into both today and handed them my little neon flyers. I feel like Day of Silence is less effective on such a large campus, where I don't spend a lot of time speaking to people I don't know on a regular basis. I am wondering how I can make my experience more efficacious next year.

I have declared war on my bad Wisconsin skin. My hair and I have settled into a good space, as I had it trimmed last week. I have gotten compliments on it, which is a good sign. When I have destroyed my bad skin with my shock and awe campaign, I will move onward to my nails. Nails tend to be a losing battle. I need to live with Willow again, who provided me with weekly manicures as a reward for not biting.

Everything I own smells like smoke. I am going to have to wear a skirt tomorrow, or Febreze the shit out of my pants.

you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
Tuesday, April 8, 2003
12:55 a.m.

I am so grateful for my mother. Yesterday we talked for hours. It's been almost five years since my father left; we still analyze it constantly. Sometimes, my mother says things that let me straight into her heart, into the pain she felt. Seeing your mother in pain is one of the worst feelings in the world. This past summer, the two of us drove to Arizona together and we were listening to Fleetwood Mac. I knew both of us were thinking of my father. I wanted her to pull the car over so I could hug her and tell her I loved her. My mother is one of the strongest women I know; I am proud to be her daughter.

this is what democracy looks like!
Monday, April 7, 2003
01:20 p.m.

It is snowing today. I disagree with this development. However, despite the disgusting grey slush all over the place, it is preferential the extremely painful hail of last Friday. The hail was so painful it led me to have a dream about owning an umbrella. When I woke and realized I do not actually possess an umbrella, I was rather distressed.

Day of Silence is in two days. Tomorrow is the informational drop (to which I am going to give Lilia her hoodie); is it wrong of me to be happy that said drop will interfere with my phone banking, cutting it a few hours short? I am not a big fan of phone banking, I am very self-conscious on the phone with strangers. Somehow, all the people I've dated have been too; I am always the designated food ordering person and the one who calls taxis, directions, and nurse hotlines.

REMEMBER TO VOTE IN ASM ELECTIONS!!! Right now, the server is down, but it will be back up at 3pm. If you've already voted, revote, your vote won't be counted twice. Vote for the S.A.M. candidates, YES to Referendums 1 & 2, the United Council and ASM Constitution updates, and NO to Referendum 3, the Seg Fee Opt-Out.

when will i learn- blue isn't red?
Sunday, April 6, 2003
09:29 p.m.

I looked up at my calendar and realized that after Tuesday, I won't have any exams until finals. ASM voting is this week, so related campaigns will be ending and the less intense spring campaigns begin. I have absolutely no plans for next weekend and plan to have a wonderful time. Queer Food will be fabulous. We are having killer green beans, jerk tofu, sweet potato pie, and black bean soup.

I may sublet from Lilia this summer. She doesn't have a 3rd person yet; it might be Pabitra. We would rock the QPOC house. I haven't spent a summer in the midwest since 1994. I vaguely remember them as being humid and involving shorts (of which I disapprove).

My ex reminds me of Kelly Osbourne. They even look alike, with their petulant looks and unfortunate fashion mistakes.

akua tuta
Friday, April 4, 2003
03:45 a.m.

It's late and the night has been filled with lots of substances and dancing. I have "Whatta Man" in my head and a meeting at noon tomorrow. The pow-wow is Saturday. Is it too cold for a summer dress under my manta? Or should I wear the winter one? Also- shawl or mant?

Everytime I eat candy, I am reminded of how much I hate it. Also, my arch nemesis- gum. I hate gum. Tonight Sarah offered me some grape Bubble Yum. Ew. Other things I don't like? Finding out your friends are racists. What's up with that?

She's really more like the April moon
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
11:27 a.m.

After a moment of utter panic when I realized I could not register because I had a hold on my account due to confusion over my Wisconsin residency, I went back to bed. (I had registration at 7am) I couldn't sleep, so I climbed back out, went to the residence counselor, fixed the hold, and ran to the computer, where I was sure all of my classes had filled. They hadn't. I am blissfully enrolled in excellent classes.

Yesterday, because the University rocks my socks, the cafeteria was closed, so I had to eat in the Elvehjem at this weird CRC reception. Dinner consisted of finger sandwiches, weird little hors d'ouevres, and a vitriolic pink punch. Of course, since I had this little plate of spinach puffs and mini quiches, I could not actually look at anything in the museum, which I hadn't been to since I had a date there in 1999.

I voted yesterday. I love how my name is on the list of registered voters, except for the fact that most of the letters in my last name were missing. My candidates all won, except for Brunner. Dave C-something is mayor elect, whoo! The race was something like 51% vs. 49%. Apparently the candidates were so similar that constituents voted for them at random.

nature's law and your tragic flaw
Tuesday, April 1, 2003
12:07 a.m.

April Fools Day is the worst holiday ever. It is full of potential for embarassing situations and never really makes sense. Also, I always forget it's April Fools Day until the next day, when I inevitably think of an excellent prank. When I was about four or five, my mother & I checked out a book of April Fools' tricks and tried them all on my dad. Fun times.

Brandon and I went postering tonight for QSA. Mercile was in Bascom. I stopped by and told her I was postering. I'm terrified that she will realize which posters I was putting up; she disapproves of my "lifestyle choices." They say "QUEERS BLEW UP THE SHUTTLE! We recruit heterosexuals and children." Next to the message, there is a picture of a space shuttle. They are very risqué.

Here is one of my pet peeves- when people do not pronounce the "é" on the end of "touché."