we are everyday angels...
Sunday, April 29, 2001
07:11 p.m.
Okay... so I really need to talk abt this. I care far too much abt what people think of me. Yesterday I was at J's house... and she has this AWESOME collage of Jewel. There was a discussion on the Nook abt Jewel and all that stuff. Yes, when she talks abt living in her car is annoying... but I really like her. I know I have a "weird" taste for musicians but the thing abt J is... she likes Jewel and I can be comfortable with liking her when I'm around her. So, from now on, I am going to be a lot better abt writing what I think... and not what I want people to think.
So, on that note, because J asked and I never answered, I am going to write abt Pieces of You and how I really feel abt it.
Who Will Save Your Soul: This was the song that made me get the album. I listened to it a lot when I was in Ukraine and this song is just... I don't know, it's real and I wish people had paid more attention to it because it's really true. Weird thingie- when I first heard the song, I thought the line "another tower/ Went up where the homeless had their homes" was "a white towel/ Went up..." I thought that made sense, the submission to the corporate powers that be.
Pieces of You: This song bothers me. I don't know if I like it or not. It's extremely disturbing and also very much about the reality of people's perceptions of each other.
Little Sister: I read somewhere that this song was abt Jewel's friend's brother. That has no relevance to the way I hear this song. This song as a lot of religious implications as Jewel mentions souls. (she does that a lot) Anyway, I feel like I'm the girl in the song, always returning to the habits I dislike.
Foolish Games : I like the lyrics to this song, but I don't like the way it sounds. It's very very irritating. For me the song is abt pain... the pain of loving someone who doesn't understand. (god, i sound like a moron doing this review) So, i hate emotional distance, because it's so hard to love someone who is just playing fucken games with you.
Near You Always: In high school, I put this song on almost all of my mixes. I feel really powerless in relationships... I have a major problem in relationships cos I didn't like myself enough. This song is just lovely and I like it.
Painters: This song just scares me cos the idea of a love that powerful is overwhelming. Also, the line where they think blueprints should be yellow really annoys me. Yellow blueprints would be awful! Once I hear that song, I usually get annoyed and am not attentive for the rest. Maybe this song is just too sickly mushy for me.
Morning Song: Okay, I adore this song. I can't help it. I love it love it love it. It's so cool... i like where it comes on the album... the way it fits in right after Painters and Near You Always cos it shows the real aspect of the relationship, the physical aspect and the need for the physical expression of love.
Adrian: This song just plain sounds YUCK. Also, what the fuck is up with Mary Epperson??? She so needs to get a life and move on. Still... this song is really mushy cos you feel all sorry for Adrian and it's just so cheesy.
I'm Sensitive:This song is the source of the worst insult of my life. I wrote abt it in another entry. Once I was listening this song and signing along and my father told me that he thinks I am the least sensitive person he knows. For that reason, I get really upset listening to this... Jewel sounds really corny in this song, but I like it... but the thing with my dad really ruins it.
You Were Meant for Me:This is the song that made me notice Jewel. (i think it was for most people) I was in 9th grade, watching MTV... and they played the video with the white boats... ahhh! I overly-identify with this song.
Don't: I know this feeling as well. The line "Too many times/ I've cared too much/ I've stood on the edge" reminds me of the relationships I've had... especially Eliza, cos she made me realize that love has to be equal or it won't work.
Daddy: This song is brutal. And it's exactly how I feel abt my dad.
Angel Standing By: I wish someone would sing this song to me... And they do... but not in such a devoted way. I would die for some people I love... but I feel as if people do care enough to say "Colette, don't die" but not enough to actually love me. This song is a goooood lullabye.
Amen: This song is super weird. It's really religious. I know I don't have to take it that way- but it really foreshadows the theme of Spirit. Interesting that it's the last song on the album. The beginning of the song is intense... "naked belly to the ground/A forest fire/ Nibbles at your veins." Then, it turns religious and really whiny and irritating...
So, that's what I think of Pieces of You. I think that what bothers me abt the album as a whole is that it's just far too sappy at times. I like the songs individually, but in a row, they get to be wayyyy to much. This is the sort of CD I think Angela would hate. After this CD, I think Jewel really dug her God Girl image and... just.. ugh. Please, no more shitty stories abt living in a van and growing up in Homer. Yeah, so she has some pretty cool experiences, like yodelling w/ her dad... but she's just a regular person and I think people make far too much of her.
I think this is the prettiest picture.
Songs I Do NOT Like
Sunday, April 29, 2001
01:54 p.m.
Okay, so I'm looking at my CDs and realizing that there are songs I really don't like. This is because I was listening to Pieces of You and I really hate the song Painters. In fact, I hate most of the album but I still listen to it all the fucken time. I first got it in this outlet mall in Kenosha when we were going to visit Tom and Petra for the New Year. Then, at school in Iowa, it broke in the dorm van. I was really mad, but I dealt. Then, the next year, I got it in the same outlet mall in Kenosha on the same day. Then I sold the tape at Sugar Shack when I was dead broke. When I was 16, Emmalien (Tom and Petra's daughter & my oldest friend) gave it to me for Christmas. I have got to stop listening to this CD!
The Moves st is also horrible. I don't know why I still have it. I cannot STAND any of it, except for Easter Present. Another CD that I cannot stand is Sarah McLachlan's Touch. I'm not sure why, but I cannot stand listening to it. I have all of her other CDs and I like those a lot, even if I haven't really listened to them since D and I broke up... but I have never been able to bond with Touch. I just hate it, but for no particular reason.
Okay, those are my thoughts.
is it so that you will know how to take it apart
Saturday, April 28, 2001
11:18 p.m.
I spent the car ride home thinking of what to say in this entry, cos it's one of those important ones. First off, sometimes things happen that would have happened anyway but surprisingly they appear in a different place and appear to be the cause and the original cause is forgotten. If you followed that, then good. I'm not going to explain it further cos I'd have to relate a bunch of stuff abt the Nook and being embarassed for liking something and then finding out that someone off Nook is the same and I just explained it, didn't it?
I did something tonight I don't think I had ever done before and I didn't realize it until too late and I was shocked. I am being overly vague again. Maybe that will incite people to sign my guestbook.
Sometimes things don't need to be written down. So, instead I am going to talk abt something else that will (hopefully) accomplish the same thing. Yesterday, I cut out two photo copies of my left hand. Each one was slightly different, because I had to cut in the shadow and didn't quite know the lines between hand and nothand. They were quite similar, but not. And I definitely preferred one over the other. That is what tonight felt like.
When I was 15, I started wearing bracelets on my wrists in multitudes. I remember them all. Now that I'm thinking of each one, I realize that they started when I was 13, with a bracelet I got with Becky at Schwarzwaldpark south of Karlsruhe. Okay, that's besides the point. Anyway, when I was 16, I had many many more. I tried to kill myself on April 8th that year and when I became conscious again, I realized they had cut all my bracelets off.
Tonight, Philip sang a song to me and mentioned Sarah and all of a sudden, it wasn't there. It wasn't there. The implications of that are enormous.
You came out of the sky like a feather from an angel, I was rubbing my eyes.
Friday, April 27, 2001
08:11 p.m.
I went outside again today, all morning. I am completely brown except for my butt. well, i was brown before, but now i'm browner. I wrote a gazillion letters, even to people I never write letters to. Letters today went to: Ariel, Allie, Zoe, Mulane, Jess Jess, and Katkin. And Bern?
Bern called 3 times today and told me stories abt little Bern and her life. We are going to have a waffle date in July. We haven't had a real waffle date in AGES. N'nai Albie called too, I was sane this time and talked to him. Tommy called, I was at a difficult point and couldn't talk to him. Jess called, yayyyy! (how come whenever I think of Jess, I start to act like Rhi? yayyyyyy!)Maybe I will pretend I am being sensible abt this. Never mind. I won't.
I didn't get any mail today, except a bill. Damn that Lance Bangs! I got lots of nook mail though, so that was fun. I would beat up Cone but he's too large. I'm such a baby, I'd never be able to actually beat him up. Besides, I'm past my beating up days... but I like to pretend I'd still do it.
Claire and Colette on the train
There's a lovely pic of me. I'm not sure how old I was, but I know that the ride resulted in a picnic where Uncle Kurt took a pic of me with marigolds in the background. I think I was 8, but I'm not totally sure. Philip was a baby at that point.
This entry has no real point. Max and I don't know where our Ruthie is and that's yucky. It's 8:12- do you know where yr gf/best friend is?? We don't and we're going nuts! Besides, I have all this girly datey stuff to tell her! Argh.
It's raining now and there's thunder and lightning. I want Ruthie! Ruthie, Ruthie! Come home! I am such an eejit. I have so much I want to tell her.
LOVE AS LIGHT AS LIGHT AS A LEAD DOVE (fly lightly)
LOVE THAT FITS LIKE A WET GLOVE (fly all night)
Thursday, April 26, 2001
09:12 p.m.
I'm home from Tommy's. I had so much fun! I had to leave eventually cos I was getting freaked out being around people. He gave me a camera and this awesome orange glittery bracelet!!! I played with his cats and dogs and puppies and sisters. I also tried on his dad's holster. Tommy's... house/shed/land/whateverthejunkitis is super-fun.
Today I went outside with my new book, Chinese Cinderella and lay on the moveable mattress. Eventually I got hot and took off all my clothes and just basked in the sun, like a little lizard, only not so scaly.
I got the Venus razor and everyone is asking for product reviews. It's really nice, excellent shave. It's just that I've been used to the Sensor/Sensor Excel for the past 6 years so it's kind of hard to adjust to the flexible head. I like it though! The cool little thingy for hanging it in the shower is really fun. I just wish it came in glittery colors like my Sensor Excel. Still using Skintimate, lavender, for dry skin. I wore shorts today, so it must be working.
Letters today: for Ruthie there's a long one and for Sarah a relatively short one.
The WB went out again. Philip and I are in a panic. No more Pokémon or Buffy!!! What are we going to do? Tommy suggests a power antenna, like his family has. They're even further into nowhere than we are, so I hope it'll work. If I had money, I'd get one.
A List of Stuff I Wish I Had or Would Get in a Care Package
1. i-zone film
2. polaroid 600 film
3. black mary janes, size 36
4. a $50 Borders gift card
5. a $10 gift card to Staples
6. star curtains from delia's
7. a road toad, red light, and vista computer for my bike
8. a letter
9. a hug
10. a power antenna!
Yeah, I'm a greedy little brat. I love my new bracelet! It's so fun! I've needed one for a while cos I left my Bangs bracelet back in Wisconsin. I wear Melanie's star bracelet EVERY DAY cos it's fucken cool.
I talked to Ruthie on the phone today, that was awesome! Yayyy Ruthie! Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without her! I helped her pick out an outfit and we chatted a little about flowers and gardens and stuff.
My classes are all set. I think. I keep changing my mind. We had a mini-conference in the car and I'm going back. I know inside that she doesn't want me to come back, but I can't lounge around here forever. I have to be learning and the Los Lunas Public Library isn't doing that much for me. Seriously, I've started voluntarily doing people's homework.
Anyway, e-mail me for my address and write me letters! letters letters letters! Joe! and Brandon, this means YOU!
I wanna be there, I wanna take you there
Wednesday, April 25, 2001
10:48 p.m.
Today was long and blurry and beautiful. I wrote two letters, for Sara and Wangela- they'll go out in tomorrow's mail. I read a little, cleaned my room A LOT, and painted a picture for Wangela. (luckily Wangela does not expect masterpieces!)
Jessica, this amazing girl of Planet Out, and I spoke on the phone today and it was wonderful. She's so much fun and awesome and all that bug stuff. We really want to meet. Both of us love monkeys, so that's a big yayy. (I sound like Rhi! oh no!) I really like her. We agree on so much of the important stuff.
I miss Ruth. I tried calling her today but the line was engaged all evening. She's my sister, my twin, so I need to know she's okay. I also called Karen and Karen's mom let me talk to Julie a little bit. I really like Julie... I hope she writes back to me cos she's someone I'd really like to get to know.
I am applying for jobs at Staples and the movie theatre. Wish me luck. I deathly need the money. I also need to give my mom some money. Here's what I don't understand: my sister. She has these intense moods. Today she sent me an incredibly rude e-mail. I don't think she ever considers how I feel about my depression. I do what I can for her. I write her letters. I even gave her a journal so she could write. Is she mad because I didn't want N'nait Albie's offer of Jesus??
My mom gave me a coaster. She wants me to drink more. She's in charge of my meds, which is okay. I just hate the fact that there's a safe at the bottom of the pantry cupboard. I am going to be safe. I promise. I promise myself.
Colette, about 3 minutes ago.
I wish I'd kissed you once more
I'll meet you in the sky
I'll meet you the sky
Wednesday, April 25, 2001
01:09 a.m.
Today was the longest day ever. All the days are meshing together, i'm not sure why. Mommy came to Dr. Davis's office. I HATE IT I REFUSE TO DO IT EVER AGAIN. our family was tense and horrid all day long and i even started cutting and yelling. it was not productive. Mama took me out to lunch at the Francesa Lia Block-esque place off centra. I had basil pizza with fresh tomatoes. I threw it up. I hadn't thrown up in ages. But I did. And then when I got home, I need to cut so badly that I smashed a razor with a hammer and cut with that.
My hand a few hours ago.
Are you offended by my wrist dotted with blood? Cos that's just the way life is. I don't know it any other way. I really want to go home. I called Daddy and asked to come home but he said no. He said I'd be too much to handle. Then he whined about $3000 of hospital bills. He doesn't like me cos I incur far too many bills.
N'nait Albie called and we talked, but I felt he was patronizing me. He wanted me to find Jesus. I"m not Elisabeth. N'nait says I need to forgive my dad. How does one go about forgiving someone 3 years after the fact? ON the phone? the mail?
That's me a few minutes ago. I got the Josie ears on Sunday and refuse to take them off.
All that glitters is not gold
Saturday, April 21, 2001
08:35pm
Philip, Panda and I are home together. He's scratching his shoulder. Panda is sitting on my lap and we're talking to Sara Sara and Kristy. All 3 of us are listening to Le Tigre. Philip loves Deceptacon. Kathleen Hanna's voice is very soothing to him, he is usually very nice when we listen to her stuff.
Colette & Panda
I called Ruthie again today. I called Max as well. It wasn't a big phone day for me. The realtors were here in the morning. Some creepy guy they were showing around kept staring at my chest. Yuck.
I cried today. It was really dumb, as it hadn't cried for that particular reason for a good bit of time. I went and looked at myself in the mirror and I look sick- pale and sulky. Things are becoming more and more obvious, but at that moment I really just wanted to run away from the shell of a person that I become in the last 1 1/2 months. (Philip hates Friendship Station cos he wants to know where Kathleen wants to take him. He prefers Hot Topic.)
Philip takes breakdancing at school. When I was in elementary school, I took square dancing and once, line dancing. His school is really baffling. He never seems to have homework. Well, he has this project where he has to interview members of the community of their opinions about trains and how they affect society.
I used to bring Panda to school with me, that was when I went to Dickinson. I hated elementary school. I never did my homework and they were always threatening to put me back in the grade I was "supposed" to be in. Once I ran away from school. My parents ended up writing letters and requesting certain teachers for me. When that didn't work, they switched me to a different school.
The first time I consciously remember thinking of suicide was in 4th grade. I was thinking how they'd announce my death on the P.A. and my class would feel sorry that they'd never noticed me. And Emily Laird (my best friend) would be sad that she'd had a Best Friends necklace with someone else. (that turned out kind of nicely though- her necklace friend was Allison, who went to a completely different school.) Anyway, I really wanted to die. When my phobias started intensifying, when I was 10, I wanted to die... that was in 6th grade.
Mellaril would be an interesting drug. Good thing I don't need Mellaril.
I think life chose me after all
Friday, April 20, 2001
10:55 p.m.
Today has been long and blurry. I cleaned the bathroom, our bathroom, and I think the chemicals went to my head or something. I feel really odd. Pip and I fought for a long time, I even hit him. Not hard, but I hit him. He's okay now- he came tumbling into my arms w/ a nightmare and he's sleeping in my bed tonight. I love him.
Biffy and Mama were gone ALL FUCKEN DAY getting stuff for Earth Day. Mama's exhausted and she fell asleep not long ago. Biffy is working on her family tree and chewing gum. She goes back to school in 2 days. I'm going to miss her, it's fun having a girl in the house. The two of us went out today and I bought her a journal and a pen. I hope she'll keep a journal, she doesn't seem to confide in anyone.
I called Ukraine today (using my card, don't worry). Lyena was in Kiev and Anna was up in Sumy. I spoke to Oleg, who was curt as usual, but he let me speak with Seryozha, my baby. He's 11 now! He remembers me and said he is doing well. His English is so sweet. I also called Ruthie and we talked for a long time. I wish we could hang out in the meatworld, it sucks being so far away from one's friends.
The New Moon is nearly here... that means my period is nearly here. I need to bleed to feel real. I generally don't cut during my period cos my cunt makes me feel so alive.
Deb and her girlfriend, Fran, have been together for 16 years. I am going to be like that when I'm grown up. Maybe I'll be like Bern and have lascivious thoughts about married women. I don't quite know yet.
Hand with Prozac
they want to socialize you
they want to purify you
they want to dignify, analyze, terrorize you
Thursday, April 19, 2001
10:33 p.m.
I wrote two letters today, one to Sadie, one to Allison. I also went to the post office, I mailed stuff away. I mailed away the gunslinger. It wasn't as hard as I had been making it out to be. La la la... it's gone now.
I don't think I have any feelings anymore. I'm not a person. Mama tried to hug me today and I screamed at her. I fell asleep this afternoon and dreamed that I was in a bathtub, masturbating and reading a Pokémon book. This is my life.
Sarah's e-mails help. They help... because they're real and because she has gone through the same things as me and she's fine now. She's 40. It's funny, knowing that I can do that, I can be 40. I never really thought about it.
I wish I could crawl up onto Bern's bed and be in a little ball and just be nearby. Bern's who I want to be like when I'm older. Is that silly?
i know that everything is fucked up
i ain't never gonna shut up
Thursday, April 19, 2001
1:17a.m.
There is a time for Brahms lullabies. There is a time for Heavens 2 Betsy. Sometimes, one needs to commune with pre-husband pre-mother Corin. Also, I have had this CD for months and I listened to it once. I feel like I should either listen to it or give them to Sarah or something. Sarah probably already has it... I should give away the stuff I don't listen to.
Kira called and hung up on me. I don't remember the conversation very well. I don't know what she wants from me or what I'm supposed to be doing for her. She says she thinks she's a convenience to me. Um, ok.
Life is confusing. I don't know what to do about it.
PS- yesterday was my baby sister Tida's 2 month birthday!!!!
She opened a book and a box of tools
Sunny came home with a mission
Saturday, April 14, 2001
10:11 p.m.
It's the middle of the night. We still haven't left for San Juan and now Mama and Pip have started dyeing eggs. My family is really frustrating!! I decided to write letters tonight, instead of just collaging. Now, the following people are getting letters: Bern, Karen, Joe! & Bamdom, Sara, Sara Superhero, and Marie.
Maybe if I just go to bed, they'll just leave w/o me and I won't have to go. Our little princess, Elisabeth, has already left with N'nai Albie for San Juan- with a shopping spree on the way. I just packed up my pants, pink shirt, and a whole bunch of Nields CDs- all one really needs for a trip to the mountains.
I really want that Spike & Dru book- Pretty Maids All in a Row. I started reading it at the mall and now I want to know what happens! Serves me right, reading silly books like that. Oh well... it was funny. Spike's name is actually William. That was mildly interesting.
I don't know if I'm going to San Juan or not...
Honk if you <3 Pussy.... cats!
Saturday, April 14, 2001
11:06 a.m.
Last night the three of us Montoya kids went to the movies. Philip saw Pokémon 3 (no surprises there) and Biffy and I saw Josie and the Pussycats (no surprises there either). We loved it! It was really silly and funny- not at all depressing, which I really needed. Biffy and I have had the soundtrack for several days now so we knew all the songs and were singing along. (Perfectly possible in a theatre where you are the only audience members.) Biffy went into hysterics at a sign that said "Please leave the dialogue to the actors." We had fun and I got an application cos I need to find a job at some point.
Biffy and Mama are in Isleta today. I hope they go to the mailbox- the mailbox is something like my little box of hope. It brings in tiny little treasures from the "outside." I love mail.
N'nai Albie called this morning but he only wants to speak to Elisabeth. EVERYONE wants to speak to Elisabeth. She's so perfect! Philip's new theory is that she isn't our full sister. Philip and I are so close, despite the fact that we fight a lot. (We're kids, we're allowed to fight.) I can't be a martyr like Elisabeth; it's not fair that she has this radiance, this cuteness which attracts everyone.
We're going up to San Juan/Espańola today. Cousins. Aunts. Uncles. It's so bizarre, I've never had Easter here. I'll be the "oldest" cousin as Jolena is still in high school. She's only 4 days older than me anyway. Still... I'm the crazy cousin. I'll see how it goes. I hope I get can away with hiding in my old treehouse and writing.
This entry sounds really depressing and dull, but in all reality, I'm feeling okay today.
I don't wanna be yr girlfriend
I'm just looking for a real good time, yeah
Friday, April 13, 2001
02:23 p.m.
I do not like Reese Witherspoon. She irritates me to no end. (We are watching Cruel Intentions again.) We're going to the movies in a few hours- Los Lunas Starport ended up getting Josie and the Pussycats after all! Of course, Philip will be seeing Pokémon 3 yet again. That boy is really strange. He wears white polo shirts every day.
Mama has this crazy idea in her head that we shouldn't be eating meat -or eating at all- as it's Good Friday. Um, hello! Jewish here! Elisabeth, my dad's daughter to the end, is violently non-religious and hates this as well. Philip doesn't care- he's a little boy and gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. Go Patriarchy!
I finished The Vagina Monologues this morning and am now reading tihs book my sister lent me, about girls who have been emotionally abused by their parents. It's pretty bizarre. When did my sister grow up?
My sister has about 1 million pillows. I guess our family really values sleeping comfortably. I have tons of sheets, she has comforters and pillows. All four of us fastidiously make our beds and freak out if someone musses them.
She doesn't need me anymore, she's fine without me. It's a really odd sensation. I almost want to do something horrid to make her come running and realize how important I am, but that doesn't make any sense. I don't want to destroy her happiness, I'm only jealous.
It's spring, very nearly summer, especially out here. The sun gets brighter every day- I'm not sure if that's something I imagine every year, but I feel as if New Mexico is brighter in the summer. The light really bothers me. I don't mind the heat, it's the brightness. My body is equipped to handle the desert... but I can't, in my head.
Nearly halfway through April. Dr. Davis sounded really shocked that I'm planning to return to school in the fall. Am I not ready? Am I that seriously sick? I'm scared that I'll never be able to return to school, that I'll always be this girl who can't even do dishes for fear of smashing the plates to cut with the shards.
I feel good yeah, I feel fine!
I stopped complaining all the time!
Thursday, April 12, 2001
10:08 p.m.
Today was horriblewonderful. I woke up and collaged all morning- I made some amazing ones using this crappy magazine of my mother's. I wrote and wrote and wrote- mostly self-depreciating things, but it's getting better.
I saw Dr. Davis today. I told him about the lithium lie and how I need my Prozac back. The first thing he said was under his breath and it sounded like either "fuck you" or "thank you." Whichever one it was, he said thank you a lot after that. I cried. I do not cry during appointments. But I did. I cried and cried and it was this amazing amazing release. Afterward, Mama picked me up and Philip made fun of me the entire ride to Cottonwood for being a crybaby.
We are home now and I have a new magazine to cut. I am still really shaky. Dr. Davis agrees with me in that the hospital doesn't do much good, but I don't think I should stay here much longer, I'm getting really close to the edge. Really close.
I didn't call Erin back and it turns out she's anal about that. Uh-oh. I hate the phone, especially down here. Well, I love talking to my Wisconsin friends but I'm really shy about the NM people. I hardly ever call Tommy back and I feel kind of badly about it. Oh well... I can be "never calls back girl."
I am so excited about Josie and the Pussycats! And tomorrow is Bridget Jones' Diary. Yayyyy! Josie is at Cottonwood so maybe we'll go... otherwise it's at Century Rio. Nothing good ever comes to Los Lunas.
More of The Vagina Monologues today. I read the first 1/4 to my sister. She thinks vaginas are "gross." Damn. Oh well... I'm trying! Actually, I'm scared of my own. I try to ignore the fact that it's there. The Stand is on an extended hiatus due to the fact that my brother and I hate each other and are currently not speaking.
I'm a punk rock prom queen
Brown paper magazine
Hotter than you've ever seen
Wednesday, April 11, 2001
10:08 p.m.
okay, Biffy came home!!! Of course, Philip had to fake sick this morning, so I was stuck watching him for the most of the day. Oh well. He's okay when he's not... being too horribly Philip. We went to Blockbuster and the little monster whined and whined when we wouldn't let him rent Pokemon 2000. Argh. Biffy and I rented Cruel Intentions and Charlie's Angels. Okay, so I changed my mind about Sarah Michelle Gellar being hott. She's hott. As for the angels, they were cool, I liked the fighting- but seriously! Not that hott.
Argh! I was so excited about going to see Josie and the Pussycats but it's not playing here in Los Lunas! We're going to see it tomorrow, so it's not that bad. I was gonna go with Erin and then sleep over, cos I need some girly time, but we're going up to San Juan for the pilgrimage/Easter. Biffy is all over seeing Bridget Jones' Diary so I think we'll go in Espańola- I haven't been to the new theatre yet.
After a looonnnng day of downloading, I have my Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack. I even have the elusive track 5 (You're a Star- if you want the secret, ask me!)!! I also have tons of songs from the cartoon. That's my accomplishment for the day. I didn't read anything, I decided to have braindead day instead. I did, however, finally beat Sarah's high score on Snood's evil level!
Dr. Davis Day tomorrow! Whoo Hoo, Whoo Hoo! I think I am one of the few people who finds their psychiatrist to be the most exciting person in their life. Well I do! So- ha!
Today I woke up and I realized that, even if I'm not over her, I am closer to it.
oh lord i have made you a place in my heart
Tuesday, April 10, 2001
09:57 p.m.
Mama yelled at me about the dishes. I said no. I was very rude and obstinate and all that horrible stuff. But I cannot do them. I cannot go by those knives. I cannot. I need to cut myself open and being in the kitchen doesn't help. Supervision Colette! No scissors! Ugh. If I were stronger...
I think she's superbly annoyed at my continuing presence in her life. I think she wanted to shed me like an exoskeleton, like a crab, like a snake. I'm not that difficult to be rid of. Oh well... I am here, I'm going to be around for a good long time, annoying the shit out of you guys... unless you give me presents! I'm all about presents!
Speaking of presents... Bern mailed hers today! Hurrah! Here is the present I'd rather like: no more dishes, no more stuck, no more her, no more of that. no more. i can't have that, so i'll stick with my happy-go-lithium life.
p.s. i'm not kidding 'bout the presents! heehee!
why it feels so good but feels so sad
i'm only happy when it rains
pour your misery down on me
Tuesday, April 10, 2001
06:04 p.m.
I'm nearly done with Chernobyl. It's a very crappy novel by Frederik Pohl. Apparently Isaac Asimov liked it. It's really interesting, but there's not nearly enough sex and there are no lesbians. heehee.
I'm single! I am so happy- 1 month and 3 days ago i would have killed not to be but now I feel so relieved. Here's the thing I regret about the past month- I never got to sing "On My 26th day of being alone" cos I wasn't alone that long. Darn.
I haven't done the dishes. I think Mama is about ready to chop my head off. I just hate dishes. Why does everyone eat such greasy junk anyway??? I have finished off all of the stuff Tommy made yesterday. Comments? Chickpeas require salt.
Next book to read is Mercedes Lackey's Magic's Pawn. I have felt morally obligated to read it for over a year. There's always Pride and Prejudice but I can't bear having another go at it. It's just too... dull. I sent out 3 letters today- a weird one for Ruthie, overdue fines for the Blockbuster in Madison (movies i rented the first time Sarah and I broke up), and some magazine clippings of Chan Marshall, the Williams sisters, and Britney for Sarah.
I should do summat about those dishes, even if it's only throwing them in the dishwasher.
this may be as close to the real thing as i'm ever gonna get
ever gonna get
Tuesday, April 10, 2001
12:26 p.m.
I wish everyone would go away and leave me alone! No, I don't... but I wish people didn't want to hang out or sleep over or any of that. I like to be alone, I am relishing this time alone. I wish I could be alone all day. I read and read... I like it. This morning I took an hour long bath. My skin is incredibly soft.
I hate Insomnia. I hate being around all these people who don't give a shit who I am, who don't even know, who just are... argh! I hate the smoke. I hate paying $3. I just don't like it.
I am venting in this entry, if you don't like it, then tough shit. I don't want a girlfriend. I don't want to be attached to anyone. I just want to be me. I want to read and write and be free.
If I were alone all the time, would I still want to be thin? Yes.
It's Ani Day!!!!!
Tuesday, April 10, 2001
09:26 a.m.
Spotted: 1 black-haired, black-eyed 18 year old gypsy faerie girl, sitting on chair, eating mysterious food.
Today the library is open. I should read my 2 paperbacks and then get something new... or should I??? We tried to read more of The Stand last night but were too sleepy so I don't think anything came of it. Anyway, if I finish reading the paperbacks in time, I might as well walk to the library and see if anyone's hiring. I desparately need a job.
It's beautiful today. I miss my bicycle.
take me home
take me home and leave me there
didn't wanna cry, don't know why
Monday, April 9, 2001
10:07 p.m.
I finished My Year of Meats. My God, what an incredible book... so much thrown into one's face, so much truth, so much that has been hidden. I really want my own copy, but I still have to read all my other books before I can start on those.
Tommy came over today and I cleaned and he cooked and we did laundry together. He thinks we should be roommates. I think I need to get out of this godforsaken place ASAP. I really miss Wisconsin.
I don't even want to see any of them! I just want to stay in.
it's okay to be mean to the
evil people who make life unbelievable
but try to be nice to me
Monday, April 9, 2001
08:59 a.m.
I finished The Handmaid's Tale. Now I'm reading My Year of Meats which I keep calling My Year of Feet or just "Ruthie Book." I am decently sure we went to Albuquerque yesterday because 1. i have 2 receipts 2. i have new comics 3. i smell like kira. So, I figure that I must have gone to Albuquerque and seen Kira.
I woke up this morning craving oatmeal, so I got up, changed, and made oatmeal. How did I manage that? I must have super-motivational skills today. Normally I can't even make myself get out of bed.
We went and saw Heartbreakers. Jennifer Love Hewitt was kind of sweet in parts, but mostly, the movie sucked. There were so many loose ends and it wasn't at all believable. Luckily, Josie and the Pussycats will be out in a few days so my sister and I are going to go see it. I am really excited cos she's only got a 3 day week this week and then she's going to spend 11 days with us!!!
The Nields are the best music for the morning. I love the sun and the morning!
Elisabeth and Colette
I had this weird dream last night- I was moving out of my dorm room. It was in Chad, only the building was on the same spot as Boyle Hall at Saint Norbert. My father had come wiht my sister, brother, and grandmother to pick me up. I hugged Sarah good-bye and she ran away. No one could find her... Daddy and I took this jeep and drove down by the river and she was collapsed by the side of the road. We picked her up and brought her into the car. I held her close to me and tried to warm her, but she was so cold. What does that mean??
Colette's Oatmeal
2/3 cups oatmeal
4/3 cups water
1/2 cup brown sugar
Boil water until rolling. Add oats, turn heat down to medium. Stir occasionally for the next 4 minutes. Remove from heat, add brown sugar. Put oatmeal in a bowl, put pot into sink to soak for the next 4 days. Enjoy!
"Do you talk by rule, then, while you are dancing?
Sunday, April 8, 2001
11:41 a.m.
we are awake, all four of us. elisabeth slept the latest. we are doing laundry... philip doesn't understand the washing machine. i stood in the bathroom, i washed the bathtub. our genders are so divided. this is for me, this is for you. you can't do this, you can do this. but at the same time, it is natural, it is what is needed right now. the separation, the thin little line... me showering with philip just outside the door.
i want to shake myself free today, i want to scream and tell her never to go near me again. i want to run, barefoot in the grass, barefoot in the sun. does she see who i am? this is me! me! i can't shower myself clean enough, i can't wash her off my body. this is me! now! let me shed you from my skin, let me wriggle away... never speak to me again, never press me flat against the ground, never, never.
does she know how much she repulses me? how much i feel the need to scratch, to say- NO! to say... fleeting, flying, flowing... that this is me, this is me and you have no hold on me.
keep me sailing this ocean of you
that's why you're toast and jam
you're cotton candy
Saturday, April 7, 2001
07:51 p.m.
still listening to Katalina... 4 phone calls in a row... 1, 2, 3, 4... all girls who know what it's like to hold me and watch me be myself. one who has known me the longest... one who knows what i look like when i have no control over myself, one who can shoo me away at her whim and i'll obey, and one who i wish i could show how i feel. i don't know how to tell people.
i got dressed... right now i feel a bit like crying, but only my throat does... my mind is irritated with the "me" who was on the phone most of the day. ceels lent me this book to read... i can't really read it, i am too frustrated for no apparent reason. i am in a mood right now where i want to break everything in sight.. i know i'd regret it afterward, so i'll just sit here and concentrate very hard on the badtz maru sticker with the little wings...
"Would that I have wings" said Kira today... She wants to go see movies tomorrow. I do not. I'm too angry! I keep seeing this image of a person lifting a ruler and looking at it. What's the person doing with the ruler? Why does he/she even want the ruler? What does it mean that I keep seeing such????
Here's another picture of Sarah. There's nearly a full roll of her, which is odd cos this pic supposedly only had 12 pictures on it.
so don't give me respect
don't give me a piece of your preciousness
Saturday, April 7, 2001
03:59 p.m.
i'm obsessed with katalina's version of "bewitched, bothered, and bewildered." i've listened to it far too many times in a row! i think all this hip hop stuff is rubbing off on me. eek! "i must agree the laugh's on me but he and i, we were meant to be."
ceels and i watched bring it on. eliza dushku was hotttt in the beginning, when she's got this tat and she does flips... omg! i think celie thinks i'm insane. she's being a sweetling and doing the laundry. for some reason, she's wearing this gigantic red bathrobe. it's so much fun when she comes home from school! "ooooh! transponster!!!" "noooo! that's not even a word!"
we're dorks.
i checked out ruthie's book "my year of meats" yesterday. i also checked out some gay erotica for tommy but he forgot it in my pack. i'm scared of it so i left it in the bottom. i had another scary penis dream last night... it was a very nice dream, just scary because there was a penis in it. those dreams really confuse me. there was a lot of normal sex it though... that was yay. i do like girls! a bit too much at times...
ceels looked at my journal. she thinks sarah looks craaaaaazy. i think i'll scan the photo that lead her to believe so!
Sarah is a Diva!
(You've always been a good girl, smart
girl, pretty girl, lucky girl happy as the
day is long.)
Saturday, April 7, 2001
11:25 a.m.
something's wrong with ruthie and max. i called and josh said that she can't talk. what's wrong??? everybody is in a state of mass confusion.
last night i told kira about the lithium. she wasn't very happy. she said that she can deal with the sarah thing, because i'm honest about it. but she can't deal with knowing i'm upset and the fact that i won't tell her about it. it made sense... but it's hard, it's like... i let sarah in, she was the first girl i ever told about that stuff... and she left. we sat on the road and talked a little bit. we are still together.
i decided to talk to sadie. for the first time, it did not help. no one was around, it was late. i needed to die. no one was around, no one was around. where is everyone? i took a bunch of valiums and fell asleep... i vaguely remember mama turning off the light and telling me someone had called. i woke up this morning, early... i drank an entire thing of orange juice and biffy and i watched the "top 10 episodes of friends." i love having a sister, i love her.
isn't it pathetic that i have mental problems? honestly, i don't know how anyone "puts up" with me. like sara says, i know what it's like to be someone your friends have to "deal" with. you stop being a person, you're just a bother. why not just leave? they say they want you to stay alive, but really, they would just be relieved if you were just dead.
what's wrong?
Friday, April 6, 2001
02:27 a.m.
i am not okay right now. it's so odd, how i can suddenly be in a mood where i could pick up that bottle of lithium and down it. i know if i took it, there would be no turning back. lithium is lethal. 1 bottle wipes out any chance of revival. i have a bottle sitting in front of me, 30 tablets. i can be okay 1 minute, the next minute i have a vivid memory, good or bad, but intense... and i can't bear to stay any longer.
i don't know how to cry, because i have no one to cry to. i need someone to talk to, RIGHT NOW. if i take this bottle, then tommy's mom will be the one who comes with the ambulance. there is no turning back. there is a bottle of eskalith sitting next to my journal.
who am i and why don't i belong?
I've been counting out my blessings
And baby, you're one
And one is better than none
Friday, April 6, 2001
01:25 a.m.
Every time I hear Ani do "Tiptoe" it amazes me. I could never do that... The piece also really makes me upset, I don't know how I found feel, expunging a fetus from my body. After James, he told me that if I got pregnant, I'd have to abort it. I know I would, and I am most definitely pro-choice, but would I be able to have an abortion? I found out not very long ago that someone very very close to me had 2 abortions. It scares me, that knowledge, that she never told me. At the time I would never have understood, but it hurts a lot. When I had my period after the encounter with Shaun, I thought I would kill myself. The sense of loss was immense.
Things are better with Sarah, our friendship is growing a lot stronger. I'm so thankful that she's still a part of my life, losing D after our break-up was one of the hardest things I've ever faced. She still doesn't speak to me.
I still have Sarah, she still makes me laugh, she still talks to me. Oooh! Photo fest... I think these are the only 2 pictures of me with Sarah. There are a few others that we stuck into a very silly holiday card for Sleater-Kinney.
And they'll never know the the gold
Or the copper in your hair
How could they weight the worth
Of you
Thursday, April 5, 2001
01:58 a.m.
okay, i've deleted 4 entries. all of which said the same thing, so it's not a big deal.
sarah may have seen fall down allie. this is very amusing to me... i wish i had been keeping a journal at that point in my life because i want to know how i felt when i was with her. she really was a very sweet gf, she kept calling me when i was in the hospital and she even wrote letters! seriously, no one else ever did that. i don't remember a single thing about the sex we had, except that we had it.
i still haven't written back to kelly. uhhh. i really don't want to tell her sarah left, cos i think kelly already thinks i'm a complete eejit for having 4 girls leave for the same reasons... blehhh! but i want to talk to her, she's kelly... and we both have the same first love, the same feelings for our ellie. write back? don't write back? write back? don't write back?
i can feel the air against my skin. at times i have no idea whether or not i am hallucinating my life or not... i see the most blatant things that tell me that such and such is a hallucination, but at the same time, i refuse to believe that it's not.
i'm in this room, the room where i spent nearly every night on the phone with Kat, planning our babies and our honeymoon. It's a different room though, this is the same room of my emotional incarceration, the same room where I have spent the last month completely fooling myself. The room with 3 tiny little pictures of sarah hidden near the calendar.
What things remain of my life? Some material objects seem to last forever... my blue socks. I got them in 8th grade and I still wear them at least once a week... other things have completely disappeared- what happened to my locket? The locket I wore everyday... It's gone.
If I wrote my memoirs, what would be the more important events of my life? Which moments define me? Which moments could be thrown away and make no difference as to who I have become?
It's odd, how 2 nights spent wiht Sami, Jan. 10, 1999 and December 25, 2000, have had such impact upon me... but all the time i spent flat on my back, staring at the ceiling while J fingered me... those nights hardly matter.
What happened to Colette? Where did the past 2 years go? What happened?????
look at the speed out there
it magnetizes me to it
and i have no fear
Wednesday, April 4, 2001
07:39 a.m.
i'm still awake. I finished The Poisonwood Bible. Wow. Africa remains such a mystery to me, the place where Daddy and Uncle Kurt were. I've heard Daddy's stories of Algeria, Corrie's tidbits about Cairo... and still I come away feeling that I will never understand.
Today everything feels dirty. My room seems weighed down with semi-clean clothes, scattered Prozacs, and clippings from my collages ground into the carpet. I am tempted to vacuum everything in sight. I feel as if my bed could never be clean enough. I took a shower and a bath early this morning. I still don't feel clean.
I feel dirty in the way that one "should" feel after a rape. I scrub and scrub and scrub and stare at my feet, dark against the white of the tub. I am falling in love with a memory. I need to make myself understand that Sarah and I weren't happening, that it wasn't Camelot.
To love a lot, you lie alot, at least they did in Camelot --Tori Amos (Jackie's Strength)
Mim needs to check her mail.
in a heart full of dust
lives a creature called lust
Tuesday, April 3, 2001
10:05 p.m.
i decided to learn finnish. of course, i was going to get books on it today in albuquerque, but i didn't. we were rushing out the door and i forgot my library books and my card. oh well... next time. i'm so excited to return to Wisconsin and show off my Finnish skills!
I started reading The Poisonwood Bible. I got into Barbara Kingsolver after Allison gave me The Bean Trees the summer before 10th grade. Anyway, the book is amazing so far. Mimmy says she doesn't like Barbara Kingsolver but didn't go into detail.
I haven't a clue what's up w/ me and Kira. She didn't call tonight... I'm not going to worry myself over it too much. Marie called though, that was lovely, lovely, lovely.
I saw Dr. Davis today... it was a supershort appt, but nice nonetheless. I wish I had one everyday. I missed Buffy today, grrr! I forgot to tape it and I haven't got a clue if it was a new one or not. Not like I could actually watch it... it's more like... listen to it and watch the static. A lot like Ukraine, only without the annoying Russian.
I have nothing deep or insightful to say today, having written 6 pages in my paper journal. I had this panic attack today- I was afraid I'd forget Sarah. I spent the ride home from Abbaturkey trying to remember her hands, her shoulders, her eyes. We were in La Montanita and I turned around to show Sarah the fruit, but she wasn't there. I didn't really expect her to be there, but it really shocked me when she wasn't. I nearly cried. I got a pear and ate it... and I kept wondering- If I close my eyes long enough, maybe Sarah will be here and I can hug her. That would be enough, just to hug her and rest my head on her shoulder.
Me and Ruthie, cuddling with the bears.
there is no divorce more final
Tuesday, April 3, 2001
12:33 a.m.
I can't stop listening to Björk's cover of Abba's "Dancing Queen."
I am so happy and thankful to have Ruthie that I could just jump and giggle and dress up in her curtains. She told me my suprise. It's a sheet! Yayyyyy! I was rereading my journal... and I reasked myself- "What's yr favorite?" It's not Dusty, it's the sky. The sky! with all the stars and the planets and space junk like shoes and space ship parts.
It's been nearly a month, a month since I lifted 2 bottles of pills to my mouth and tried to disappear. Nearly a month since Sarah left. I have a million reasons to live, I have more than a million, so many more than 1. It's not all great, it's not easy, it's not perfect, it's not even all that fun... but I'm going to stick around.
I got this optimistic cos of "Dead-eye Dick" (Vonnegut). Here's the line that really made me want to live:
