Kissy Star-Cowboy

Going Once
(Ani DiFranco)
Monday, April 29, 2002
07:41 p.m.

but she was packed, she had a suitcase, full of bungles and near misses
So today I went to UNM and met Jess. We ran all over the effin' place and visited all kinds of little offices and waited in lines. All my transcripts and financial aid stuff is basically ready there, I just need to turn in the actual application. I called UW-Seattle and it sounds like it will still be a couple of weeks before they pass judgment on me. I'm seeing how the idea of going to UNM feels. I'm afraid that if I go there, I'll get stuck studying Southwest Archaeology, which is dead boring, just sayin.'

and she was swinging through a jungle of last calls and first kisses
So, my dad is coming here in a month of so, to pick up my brother and sister and to drop off my stuff. He's going to see me and I want him to meet Jessica. I want him to know that she is important to me and that I love her. He met Sarah twice and that was a really short relationship. I don't know, he doesn't really care about me. A large part of me still cares about him and wants him to love me and to like whom I love.

and she was learning about please, about humilities
I was reading rosie magazine today when Jess was at Urgent Care (I was in the waiting room, FYI). There is a family that has adopted 21 children with severe disabilities. That's incredible, and also nuts. I worry that when I'm on my own, I won't be able to handle one healthy kid. I also read about a guy who legally adopts babies who are found dead so that he can give them Christian burials. These are the type of stories that American women find interesting. They always make me feel kind of inadequate and self-righteous about my own lifestyle. Hrm.

I Fire Myself
(Mary Timony)
Thursday, April 25, 2002
11:04 a.m.

I fire myself 10 times a day, I throw myself in a watery grave
I'm reading this older book, Marian Starkey's The Devil in Massachusetts. It's kind of slow reading, but it's pretty good. It's about the Salem witch trials. I'm also (still) reading StarHawk's The Spiral Dance, which seems endless. I quit the Wiccan E-school and I don't really regret it. It's not that it wasn't teaching me anything, it was just that it wasn't very constructive.

with 14 horses on top of my head, I hear the voice again and again
I'm really worried about money and school. I haven't heard from UW yet. I'm thinking of just throwing in the towel and applying to UNM. I have this giant bill at UW Hospitals and Clinics: some of it is paid, but most of it isn't. Then, my dad cut me off from his insurance and sent me this really awful e-mail. It's like he doesn't want me to be his daughter anymore. Then, he has the audacity to think that I'm the ingrate! Hah! Anyway, I just hope this all gets figured out. I need to know where I'm going to be in the fall.

I walk through the everlasting pit, by the mountain of fire and the fountain of spit
Jessica really hurt her arm yesterday so I came back up to the city after three days down on the ranch. Those three days were really quiet and peaceful. It's kind of boring up here at the apartment. No one else is around. Hmmm. I may go down the library, but I'm sworn not to check anything else out until I finish The Spiral Dance and The Devil in Massachusetts. Tonight's Thursday, TV night. All new Friends, Will and Grace, and ER. Whooo!

The pilgrims beside me just talk, talk, talk. I am the goblin and the mangled hawk
Angela is sending me a present from Germany. She sent it a week ago last Tuesday, so it should be here any day now. I am very excited. I'm going to be sending her Reese's peanut butter cups, a Nields bootleg, and some treats. People need treats when they are alone in Germany. I think I am going to shave my legs today.

Hush
(Catie Curtis)
Sunday, April 21, 2002
03:59 p.m.

You can't walk through this world unharmed, No matter your luck, your charms
Yesterday, a crowd of liberal Albuquerquians got together at Wal-Mart and marched together to the Kirtland Air Force Base. The U.S. stores 85% of its nuclear arsenal there, right in our city. We surrounded the entrance and blocked traffic in and out of the base. Almarosa lead the march and was awesome. I carried the dove of peace puppet(dear god it was heavy). Back at the starting point, we some theatre and the standard folk singing. Food Not Bombs brought lentil soup, bean salad, and bagels and a guy handed out free water. It was great. Of course, Jess and I now I have major sunburns, but it was well worth it.

And I want you to see me no matter what I'm going through, And I wanna see you
Lately I've come into believing that I'm a hellishly strong woman. I try to look back at the past and realize that it doesn't make me a weak person, it makes me strong, because I am past it and I am powerful. I know what I want from my life and no one is going to stop me from getting it. Especially not myself. I'm just waiting to hear from UW-Seattle and it had better damn well be an acceptance.

'Cause I don't mind if you think I am broken, I don't mind if you think I'm weak
Jess and I have had a great week, just hanging out and doing cool stuff. We played pool with Barbara twice. I'm really learning, I sunk 3 balls in a row the other day, one from behind my back, woo! We want to go to the batting cages as well. This past year, this relationship, it's been hard and there has been some tough shit, but we've gotten through it and we really love each other.

I don't mind whatever you see, As long as you know my love is deep
Yesterday was pretty cool. After the protest, we went over to the 4/20 Fiesta at UNM. The school brought in Lisa Loeb for a free concert, so all the dykes were there watching her. We hung out with David, Whitney & Tracie, and Stephanie & Michelle. The Copper Lounge kids had a booth there, and so did NARAL.

Whatever turns us to dust is just a matter of time I trust
Right now I'm craving a good hot curry with lots of potatoes and carrots and lentils. Arlene Blum takes expeditions to the Annapurna sanctuary, God, I want to go.

Come to Me
(Catie Curtis)
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
01:33 a.m.

I won't leave you alone,With all the things you know, I won't leave you alone
Yesterday, after a pathetic game of catch and twilight photography, Jessica and plopped ourselves down on the bed and had a talk. Rather, I gave a talk. I decided that I am a warrior, that I do not give up what I love lightly, and that I am powerful. I told Jessica what was in my heart until she held out her hand and said "Welcome home baby." I am home.

The End of the World
(Skeeter Davis)
Sunday, April 14, 2002
09:48 a.m.

Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore?
Yesterday my sister and I went to see The Sweetest Thing which was pretty funny. I like Selma Blair. When I came home to the apartment, I did something that's generally unprecedented, I asked Jess to talk. We had a hard day on Saturday. We started wrestling and ended up full-out ultimate fighting. I feel so terrible because we really beat each other up and then Jess ran out of the house and didn't come back for a long time. I wandered around the neighborhood looking for her but I couldn't find her. She eventually came home but I was terrified.

Don't they know it's the end of the world? 'Cause you don't love me any more
Anyway, so Jessica and I sat down on the porch yesterday and talked. We talked and talked and finally came to the decision that we needed to split up. It all happened so suddenly. We loaded all my things into Chanté with Santana and drove down to the farm. Sarah was online and I chatted wiht her for a while before I fell into a really nightmarish sleep.

Why do the birds go on singing? Why do the stars glow above? This morning I was okay for a while. I hung up some of my posters and I listened to Diana Krall. She started singing Cry Me a River and I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. My family came in and kind of took care of me for a little while; then I took a shower. I felt like Willow, crying in the shower. My chest feels heavy, my eyes feel hot and lidded. Is this really the right thing? This relationship that I have nurtured and protected, this woman whom I love and support and would die for. Is it the right thing to just split up and walk away from each other?

Don't they know it's the end of the world? It ended when I lost your love
I feel like I'm waiting for something. Like something is going to happen. But nothing's going to happen. I'm just Colette. I'm not part of a we anymore. I'm not part of this loving couple, this couple that everyone thought was going to make it. I feel like everything around me should stop because this is over. We'd danced so carefully around breaking up for so long and now it's happened and it's not real. It can't be real. I want someone to wake me up and slap me and hold me and tell me it was all wrong, it was just a mistake and Jessica and I are going to go put on our hats and dance to Tom Petty.

I Don't Want to Think About It
(Wild Strawberries)
Friday, April 12, 2002
08:35 p.m.

You rendered me conscious, You cut my innocent face
Today is kind of a long day. Has been, that is. I had Rita Gerke this morning but I couldn't afford the co-payment ($5) so I didn't go. I did, however, go to Dr. Neidhardt. We talked about my problem with the Ace of Cups, the way it's so big and enlightened and happy and I can't fathom the card. He said that's normal, to be overwhelmed by the card. We also talked a little about how freaked out Pueblo people are by things like wicca, ouija boards, and tarot cards. He told me that it's okay, that I can bring my tarot cards to appointments. He's not anything like Dr. Davis, whom I adored and respected more than any other mental health professional, but I am really liking Dr. Neidhardt.

I'm not really bitter, then again I'm not amused
Tara's really gonna die. Bob heard Xander say it at a shoot he was at a few weeks ago. Xander said "Tara's dead." It's really sad. I'm hoping for a reset, but there's a lot of discussion about it on the board and on willtara... and that's "what would Tara think if she knew Will went all Black Majick Mojo??" It's just scary, our girls... Willow being the Big Bad and Tara dying. It really upsets me.

I just want to kick you till you cry I loved I really loved you
Becky and Sarah love the AG dolls too. They rock. I've been talking to them a lot these past few days. I love my girls online... and my guys too, especially Strauss. He sent me this book, Tales of a Punk Rock Nothing that I thought I didn't like, but I'm reading it now and I actually really do. Well, I have to get going.

Limp
(Fiona Apple)
Tuesday, April 9, 2002
11:44 a.m.

And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
Well, it's late Tuesday morning. Luka and I went and ran errands and got them all done (yay us!) We went to the Women's Studies Dept. to drop of a doctor's note for Jessica, to Blockbuster to drop off movies, to NMAS for info for Luka's speech, and to PHS to pick up my newest medication, Topomax.

I never did anything to you man, But no matter what I try, you beat me with your bitter lies
Topomax is supposed to stop my nightmares. Lately I've been having vivid dreams and I wake up so sweaty that I have to change my clothes and crawl back into bed feeling idiotic and awful. The Topomax, hopefully, will help with that. I also have two therapy groups today. It's my last week of Changing Cognitions. I'm kind of proud of myself for finishing. I'm not sure I can keep going to the Mental Health Center because I can't afford the $5 co-pay.

So call me crazy, hold me down, Make me cry; get off now baby- It won't be long till you'll be lying limp in your own hand
It's really sad, the amount of money I still owe. I've just been sent to a collection agency by one hospital. I have 2 bills left, one is $1, 297 and the other is about $550. I need to get a job but now I still have 2 weeks to adjust to the Topomax. Money is so awful. Luckily though, my financial aid application at UW has been processed and now I just have to wait to see if I get in. Wish me luck.

You feed the beast I have within me, You wave the red flag, baby you make it run run run
I want to speak German better. I finished watching my new movie, Der Krieger und die Kaiserin, and I was able to understand most of it without the subtitles. I really want to go back to Germany. Angela is so lucky. Ah well, time to go do something for half an hour until I have to catch the bus to therapy.

One Song Glory
(Rent- Jonathan Larson)
Thursday, April 4, 2002
06:42 p.m.

One Song, before the sun sets, Glory, on another empty life
So, I'm sitting in the kitchen listening to Rent and checking my e-mail. I fight the daily fight of my e-groups. Should I stay subscribed and wade through nonsense, or clear up my inbox? My UW-Madison account dies on April 10 and I still haven't sent out a cursory message informing everyone to use my hotmail address. I unsubbed from one of the groups today, the others are still pending.

Time Flies- Time Dies. Glory- One Blaze of Glory- Glory
I got a postie from UPS telling me they couldn't deliver a package to my P.O. Box and needed a physical address by March 29th. Of course, that was last week. Silly mail people. I'm really upset because I love mail. Plus, it was a package of my stuff from Caity. My things are slowly making their way to New Mexico. Just to let you know- I'm currently angry at NM. Yesterday, my bicycle was stolen. My darling blue Giant that I got for my high school graduation. It means a lot to me, plus it was my means of transportation to places off the busline (of which there are many). I don't have the money to buy a new one so I'm really stressed out.

Find Glory in a song that rings true, truth like a blazing flame, an eternal flame
So, here I am, broke. I didn't see my psychiatrist, Dr. Arenella, today, because I couldn't afford the $5 co-payment. Then I still have $ 500 of ambulance bills and an additional huge payment of $ 1,597 hospital bills. I'm so worried about money all the time. It's scary, because if I work full-time, I can make $ 200 a week. That's $1 ,000 a month but even that takes me an age to cover the bills, and that's not counting current living expenses. I need a break. A break from these bills and the constant aching of my memories. I am not depressed anymore, but the causal factors are still there. It's tough shit dude. It's tough shit.

Son of a Preacher Man
(Dusty Springfield)
Monday, April 1, 2002
09:28 a.m.

Being good isn't always easy, no matter how hard I try
Well, Easter's over. It was a wonderful Easter too. Marian came down to Albuquerque in the afternoon and we had a kind of party, quite small but wonderful. Marian gave me a camel I called Seamus. Mama gave me money to buy an iron with, which I duly did, at Walgreen's. It's a very darling Black & Decker iron. I don't have an ironing board yet, but I will.

When he started sweet-talkin' to me, He'd come and tell me everything is all right
So, I'm getting really really chubby, to put it mildly. Yesterday Luka and Jess went running, but I didn't go. Then this morning, I ate like a million of those cinnatwists. They're really good and I couldn't stop. So, I need to be exercising more. Today, I go to pick up my bicycle and I can exercise in that I will ride it home instead of hauling it on the bus.

He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right Can I get away again tonight?
Well, I did my FAFSA with the wrong tax papers, so now I have to go back to my mom's house and do them all over again. UW won't waive my application fee unless my FAFSA's in order. It's all so very frustrating. All I want to do is go to Seattle and every day I get more and more terrified that I won't be able to go.

The only one who could ever reach me, Was the son of a preacher man
I am helping Julie redesign her pitas. Html is comforting, it's like math. You put all the little numbers into the right spots and it all turns out okay. I kind of miss math. I may take it again in Seattle if I can, because I did kind of crappy in my last class.

The only who could ever teach me, Was the son of a preacher man
I'm so excited about the prospect of returning to school. I can't wait to be learning again. I'm already designing my dorm room in my head. I hope I get in, I really do.