I love and protect her and then she just left
Saturday, March 31, 2001
05:52 p.m.
I'm home, Saturday afternoonish... I just woke up... I had one of those days when I'm pretty sure it was a dream, but I have proof to confirm it wasn't. I spent my day sleeping in Geraldine's car on Kira's lap. Apparently I was woken up to be kissed good bye, but I don't remember such.
I miss Sarah again today. I was talking to someone else who said that I can take as long as I want to get over her. True that, but when you're already in another relationship, then you should attempt to speed the process a bit. I can't help it! I should convince myself that I can, if I just try really hard... maybe I'll look at pictures of Sarah and shock myself or something.
La la la- spent the past few days in Albuquerque. Who wants to see loverly pictures of me and Kira?? Yeah, I know you do.
Here's Tommy, me, and Kira.
Me and Kira...
Yeah, me and Kira. Lustful us...
I'm not sure that I'm ready for this, I just miss her so much. It's kind of like a weight upon me. I just want to call her and ask her to go for a walk... I miss how she held my hand. I showed Tommy the 3 pictures of Sarah on my wall and he said she looks really butch. heehee! yeah.
Lately, I feel like only Ruth understands. I miss her a lot- Ruthie should really come visit. or summat! She understands, understands what's in my head. I miss her. I should make her something and send it...
I'm being asked for where I've been lately- I spent Thursday night at Kira's and last night Tommy slept over so I didn't update.
I need to find Nina. I need to talk to her about Ben. I write about it... me, 12 years old, hand in his lap under the table during writing class... supposedly concentrating on "How Volleyballs Grew on Trees" but really thinking how I didn't know I could feel like that... then later in the van on the way back from the arboretum, when I was still flattered by his attentions, but by then, rather scared. I had a giant crush on him, but at the same time I was so scared of my own body. I remember thinking, I could scream right now and Patty would stop the van and I could tell her that Ben held my entire being in his hand. I didn't. I was ashamed, a 12/13 year old unwilling to admit to her own sexuality.
Better news- Kira and I were shopping and we found wings. WINGS! They're beautiful and white and lovely and perfect. I was allowed to try them on. I felt them press against my shoulders, just inside my shoulder blades. I felt I could escape, fly away from all that is stifling me. Icarus, Icarus... I would fly too close and come tumbling down. I am an illusion.
I miss everyone at Wittayyyy. I miss conversation, actual conversation. So much of my own interactions here are related to running around, screaming, and tickling. Oh So Mature... I feel almost as if I am in exile, which is really really dumb. Here I am among all these high schoolers who are just barely coming out. I feel like it's the whole TLU era again. Group is lovely, but I hate hanging out with people on the basis of their sexual orientation. I just want to hang out with people.
Today N'nait Albie called and told me to be nice to my sister. What is she telling him? I've never been not-nice to her. Sometimes that girl really frustrates me. Yesterday, she paged me 5 times and I kept calling her back but she wasn't answering her phone! I adore Philip though, my baby, my little boy. If Biffy was home more often, I think we'd be closer. It's just hard to relate to someone whose life is so different from my own. Yes, we have the same family, but we are different people. We are sisters, but we are so separate in so many ways.
I feel sort of ill lately. In my head... like I want to scoop out every single thought and feeling I've ever had and begin again. I know that makes absolutely no sense, but I wish I could be made clean again. A nonreligious baptism.
Who am I and what I am doing?
Speak to me the language of love
The language of violence, the language of the heart
Wednesday, March 28, 2001
11:23 p.m.
Non toxique! Lavable! Sans acide!
I withdrew today. I am enrolled in no classes, I am no longer a student of the Spring Semester. Bern sent me the most amazing e-mail today, about my suicide attempt and Sarah. It was very short, but the happiest thing I've heard in a long time. I could run and sing!
I could drop to the floor now and beg her to come back, to please come back, that I would do anything, that I would give up anything, as long as she'd come back... but it wouldn't do either of us any good.
I don't want to hurt her. I am only doing this because I need to. It will be over soon and I'll be back to my senses. I could reach out a trembling hand to hers, begging for her to grasp it, but if she did, it wouldn't be out of love, but of pity.
For the first time I am aware of my own mortality.
yeah.
Wednesday, March 28, 2001
01:25 a.m.
Did you see her walking?
Did she come around here Sir?
Black hair, brown eyes
My beautiful Leah
She was always so needing
Said, 'I have no one'
Even as I held her
She went out looking for someone
She only had nightmares,
And her sadness never lifted
And slowly over the years
Her lovely face twisted
Did she come around here Sir?
I swear you would remember
Black hair, brown eyes
Late September...
October
November
December
It never leaves my mind
The last words she said
'If I don't find it this time,
Then I'm better off dead.'
--PJ Harvey
This song is about me.
all you have to do is look into their eyes and you will be a transylvanian concubine
Tuesday, March 27, 2001
10:23 p.m.
laundry, laundry, more laundry. i'm listening to one of those mystery songs off napster- you know, when you download something and it turns out to be something else. I kind of like it... I met some girl today who has really similar taste in music... she sounds fun. What else? Oh, the car is back so we went to the library. The librarian (psst, ruthie, come be a librarian here!) was really weird... she kept babbling on about how much money one could make off one thing or another.
I caved and rented Philip some wrestling game for the Playstation. He's just been an angel lately... We watched I still Know what you did Last Summer and I was more scared than he was. He's losing faith in me as a protector... Oh well...
I miss my friends. I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry - well not really. However, there's always room for some Nieldsian drama. Bern wrote, she's glad to see me back on the Nook. The girl I met today is also on the Nook! Whoooo!
Shout out: Hey Marie!!!! I didn't even know you read this! Kisses to my darling Antoinette and of course, Sofia dahhhling.
I miss my cello.
This is kind of about you
This is kind of about me
We just kind of lost our way
But we were looking to be
Tuesday, March 27, 2001
04:39 p.m.
i don't want her sexually. i miss her, i miss holding her hand on the street. i miss sitting at the "japanese tea table" and eating our food, the same order everytime. i miss her. i miss waking in the day when she was still sleeping, and watching her sleep. she was so beautiful. i wish i had been able to give her what she needed, i wish i could have been strong enough for her. I can't cry- my throat is dry. How can I return to Madison knowing I might see her on the street?
I am escaping into my books- I finished On Fortune's Wheel and now I want to read the other 2 books in the trilogy... Young Adult books- really! I should start reading "at my level" but I just want to devour all the books in the house.
If I wrote Sarah a letter, would she read it?
and i'll spend all my evenings at the may day cafe
Tuesday, March 27, 2001
02:05 a.m.
i'm writing a letter to my wife, melanie, and singing along to keys to the kingdom. usually, i find this song nauseatingly upbeat, but i'm in a horribly good mood tonight.
Flowers for Algernon makes me so sad. I first read it when I was 12... this is hideously embarassing, but I liked it so much that I stole our school library's copy and I've still got it. My teacher, Mickey, really liked it and had us read it. This was back in the days of my gigantic Ben Cain crush. He had an EKG done and brought in the paper copy and showed me... I was thoroughly impressed. He went to Montana at the time of one our school dances and I couldn't bear to go cos I didn't want to be there without him! I was a big dork. Then, at our last dance in 8th grade, he danced with our friend Nina. I was thoroughly jealous. I had new clothes that night... I felt very grown-up. I remember sitting at the front of the school waiting for my ride afterward and thinking how I'd never have the chance to tell Ben I wanted to marry him. How stupid can one be?
That summer I went to Germany and despised it... I went to Seattle and loved it... I also went to Washington, Massachusetts, Maine, and Québec but I didn't really enjoy myself as I missed Kateri too much. Biffy and I got Jagged Little Pill on cassette and thought ourselves very grown-up listening to songs that had the word "fuck" in them. We each had an art case- mine with frogs, hers with fish. We spent a lot of time drawing weird little things and writing senseless letters. I miss that summer.
That year I was in 9th grade and promptly fell for Allison. I didn't understand what was going on and proceeded to be a big idiot about it. I used to twist her bracelets about her wrists. We had language arts with mrs. lambert and I think I was the only one who liked her that much. We read To Kill a Mockingbird that spring. We had to do these different "jobs" in little groups. I couldn't do the artist one so I traded with Allison... she drew this amazing mad dog. During the Great Expectations unit, she also drew all the characters in anime on my book cover. I still have that book cover, it's saved in my room at my dad's.
enough babbling.
Pozovi' menya soboi
Monday, March 26, 2001
11:11 p.m.
i am now going to impose a complete and utter embargo on all comments on my sex life, due to the fact that Kira quotes them back to me on the phone and embarasses the shite out of me.
i must admit that i'm reading the little house on the prairie books... i'm reading a lot lately, the quality of the material varying from God is Red to On Fortune's Wheel. Jordan's daycare carries those cute books about Native American children... like Clamshell Boy (personal favorite). I wish Philip would read more of those and less of those crappy Animorphs books. Lately he has been really racist- seeing white people really upsets him. when we were walking in albuquerque the other day, he said "Go back to England Fuckers!" oh dear, as ruthie would say.
I should write more letters... I want to write a good long one to Ruthie. Somehow I've become entirely too lazy. I talked to Daddy today- he encouraged me to rest and not do anything taxing. Sometimes he shocks me with the way he understands. As usual, he's mad as hell at the people who have hurt me. He had been avoiding my phone calls for the previous 2 weeks. Yula had her birthday last Tuesday. Goal for the year: try to become friends with her. or at least learn to stand her.
On Russian Orthodox Easter when I was 15, I went to Olga and Sasha's with Daddy. That's the big holiday over there- Sasha and I had presents. Mine were colored pencils and pens and the like. Daddy opened a bottle of champagne and the entire thing exploded! Everyone was wet and happy. Even Boris and Alla gave me 10 grivna in an envelope. Later in the day I went to the cat show with Lena and Seryozha. We walked all over Shevchenko park and then past the prehistoric statues to Sumskoi Rinok. We bought cheese. We're going to celebrate Easter here in New Mexico, but it won't be the same. I miss making Ukrainian Easter Eggs and having holidays from school. I slept at Anna's grandparents' with her. Lena made her wonderful cucumber/tomato salad, chicken and rice (the ukrainian sort), and Anna made her yummy potatoes. I miss them. Seryozha is 11 now. That thought is creepy.
I wore my hair the same way EVERY day in Ukraine. 1 braid. Just like Tricia did... my hair grew the entire time I was there, until Olga and I went to salon on Mayakovskaya Vul. and had it cut just a bit. I miss Khark'v. A lot.
i'll be cool in the backseat
Monday, March 26, 2001
05:03 p.m.
What! She's updating again? Yep. News: the stereo is working again. The car is in the shop so I'm stranded in Los Lunas for about a week. A week! Oh dear...
I packaged up my gunslinger and I'll mail it tomorrow, if I'm motivated enough to walk to the post office. The sooner I mail it, the sooner it will come back to me. My sex drive is multiplying rapidly with the lowering of my Prozac. Yayyy!
Philip keeps bringing his creepy little friend in here. Weirdddd. I took a long long bath today in this oatmeal oil. My skin is soft soft soft and I feel so relaxed... I'm also doing laundry. I'm going through one of those periods when I need EVERYTHING to be clean.
No intellectual insights for the day. I miss Kira.
I can't believe life's so complex
When I just wanna' sit here and watch you undress
Monday, March 26, 2001
02:07 a.m.
i'll go to bed when circus blankie is done drying. i'm washing everything tonight because my room smells funny and i can't figure out why. i hadn't washed circus blankie in a month anyway- when i sat on a cupcake on the blanket and there was chocolate smushed into it. i'm listening to this PJ Harvey song and it sounds suspiciously like k.d. lang.
I hung up tons of pictures around in my room today. I'm attempting to make it look like I, Colette, live here (as opposed to random Montoya child). The stereo has gone broken again and I keep frowning at it in hopes that it will miraculously begin to work again. Philip has had success with it in the past, but I don't know his stereo secrets.
I helped him with long division today. We did a whole page... I was going to make him do another, but I know he hates the whole math thing, especially since Mim gives him the sheets, not Dr. Shutiva. I helped Kira research some stuff on the sun as well... I got to play with Encarta and Philip's kids' encyclopaedia. (hopefully no one has noticed that i cut out the picture of the cute rabbi 5 years ago)
I cannot deal with Feminism in Our Time . It's too damned boring. At least the first 3 pages are... Mama left with my sister today... she didn't show up again until quite late. I have no idea where she went and I didn't ask. I was under the impression that Biff was going to get a ride back to Santa Fe with April Jaramillo.
No Dr. Davis this week- he's on vacation. Mim managed to get more of my meds from Walgreen's... they'd been withholding them for insurance reasons. Yayyy meds. I hate getting meds from Walgreens because the bottle tops are so awful. They're just... ugly. No Dr. Davis also means no easy way to see Kira. I can try to convince Mim that I need to give my frames to the optometrist... I wish we didn't live way out here in the middle of nowhere. Then I could curl up with Kira at night and all that fun stuff...
I haven't seen her since Friday. I already miss her. Yesterday my thighs were sore, my hips faintly bruised. I run my fingers over my hip bones and smile. I revel in the thought of her... the way we fit against each other in a chair, the way her hand creeps up my shirt, the way her tongue floats over my earlobes. She has a softball game on Wednesday and I want to go, if I can get a ride.
I lost my virginity with my hair long, tangled in Monica's. She smelled of flowery shampoo. I don't remember much of it, just the feeling that... whoa, I'd actually done it and it wasn't as spectacular as I'd envisioned. No fireworks, no music coming to a grand crescendo. Just us, two black haired girls in a double bed. The next time, with Sami, we discussed Gandhi. The next morning, Sami had yogurt for breakfast.
When I think of Kira, I get this huge smile on my face. She got sunburnt today, my poor baby. She spoils me and I adore it. How many days until I see her again? Oh hurry oh hurry oh hurry.
i've got something you can never erase
Sunday, March 25, 2001
11:07 p.m.
oh, i've decided to grace the world with a pic of my new haircut.
Things I Hate
1. fish
2. nausea
3. exhaustion
4. the fact that i still haven't written the Ruth/Jael paper and I've not even started on the damned thesis.
5. my art supplies being at my dad's
6. dark chocolate
Things I rather like
1. the girl at the puzzlebox
2. PJ Harvey
3. Ruthie
4. My star bracelet
5. Panda
6. clean laundry
7. phone calls
8. baths
9. LAN connections
10. Rasputina
11. the word "concubine"
12. pear nectar
13. my Kira
you're the starchild, and we love you. you have come to us from above.
Sunday, March 25, 2001
03:28 a.m.
dr. davis and i talked about my need for physical comfort, to be held. that's what has led me to cheat on my girlfriends- i have only ever done so when away from them for extended periods of time. it's like i have this inborn need to be held and loved. like that experiment with the warm-mommy/food-mommy.
i love sarah. i love her so much that i cry at night and jump whenever anyone says her name. oh puppy, please forgive me. i feel like humbert humbert in lolita. he had this way of loving that he knew was unacceptable to the rest of society, he knew it, but he still did it. i love, fully and intensely, but it doesn't prevent me from seeking physical intimacy. At the same time, I am fiercely jealous and panic at the slightest suggestion of the most remote possibility that I might be replaced. Humbert Humbert had the same paranoia.
I identified more with the infamous pedophile than I have with people I actually know and empathize with. I wish I could speak with him and tell him how I feel. Neither one of us would be patient enough to listen to the other, but I know we would understand each other.
on my calendar, sundays' numbers are labeled in red. each day has its name written in english, german, french, and dutch. most calendars have the days of the week across the top. not this one. each square proclaims its day. My school assignments are written in the squares, despite the fact that I'm 2 000 miles away and don't even have the texts any longer. i am free. there is no guilt associated with missing a class, no need to wake in the morning, no reason to go to sleep "on time."
i am an extremely messy person but i also have an intense need for the organization of petty things. for example: my bin. it is completely organized, every last bit. my clothes are organized into categories, my books neatly arranged on the shelf. it's as if i am trying to assert control over the few things that i can.
i'm down to the last few pages of slaughterhouse five. i have several more books waiting to be read... i always save the best for next-to-last. last are always the books that i have to force myself to read. they come last just in case i run out of time and they have to be returned.
books without inscriptions make me sad. every book should be dedicated.
i've got a brand new pair of rollerskates
Sunday, March 25, 2001
01:43 a.m.
wonderful afterglow. sweet delicious softness. i'm smiling my face off and giggling. ohhh to curl up with her without the sand... i washed my hair 3 times today and i still find the occasional grain in my hair. and i don't mind a bit. i don't know when we'll see each other again... soon, oh please, soon! i'm being pampered and adored and i'm adoring it.
philip's finally fallen asleep, after watching the same buffy video over and over. the two of us are hooked. he's so small and sweet and perfect.
one thing about the powerpuff girls- they have these things that could be either noses or mouths. i can't tell for sure, but i think that they're mouths. it's irritating! especially when they draw them in this funny U shape. whenever i'm on the phone, i remove my watch and can't find it. blehhhh.
i need to beat the stupid zoo level in the buffy game. philip's done it but i have no clue how. that kid beat the star wars game today, albeit with help from gamerzmax. elisabeth made this absolutely disgusting juice today. i don't know what it is, but it's awful. awful.
i have a newfound rasputina addiction.
you're protruding on what's mine and you're taking up my time
Saturday, March 24, 2001
09:03 p.m.
Tommy taught me new words today- I've already forgotten them. One of them meant baldness. I got 4 phone calls today! Kira said she'd call again tonight so I'm not going to spend too much time online. I should do something constructive anyway. Yayyyy paperjournal.
I woke up after a much needed nap and Prozac and read my previous 2 entries. Jesus Christ! I am extremely irrational at times. I embarass myself and I don't know how to deal with it. I once had this theory that I should just let life slip over me, as if I were floating. I can't be too passive though... On Thursday Aunty Roxanne was taking me to PHS and I couldn't think of where I wanted to eat. I'm not sure if it's because of eating or because I just couldn't decide. I should be more observant of the way I think. A study of the crazed girl by the girl herself. Can I see my life objectively? Do I need to see my life objectively?
Okay, I am quick to love, I say it far too early. I told Dorothy that I loved her, because it was true, but I didn't love her romantically. I couldn't. I loved Sarah and that's one of the reasons I'm being so beastly right now. I don't want to admit to myself that I am in love with someone who can't love me back and there's nothing I can do about it. It's not like D, who doted on me and wouldn't speak to me because she couldn't believe my betrayal. I love Sarah and it hurts like hell and I'm mad because I can't change anything. Christ, I need to be less sensitive or something!
Philip has just proclaimed that "I'm going fishing Coco!" He's been spending a lot of time with me lately- he always wants to watch Buffy with me. He always has some sort of adorable insight about everything. He's so curious and smart and I am so upset that I've missed so much of his childhood.
Any knowledge I once had of math has departed from me. I was trying to do problems on Chris' AMC test and I couldn't! Yech! Something is wrong... Mim's got calc books here though, maybe I'll work on them as I'm home anyway. Elisabeth really confuses me. She can be so petty and princessy and perfect... and I detest her for it. Then, she'll come into the room where I'm reading and Philip is playing and bring us food and drinks. I think she's taken the divorce harder than any of the three of us.
I'm reading Slaughterhouse 5. I like it. Bridget used to tell me I wasn't old enough for Vonnegut, but that was years ago. I did anything Bridget asked. We were always in trouble for talking in class, but we were the only ones who learned any German. I should write to her again.
I found the other half of the pair of the ugliest hair things ever. I could reunite them, but that would require walking over to Mama's room. Not worth it. They rented some boring family movies. Phil and I are content with Buffy and the Powerpuff Girls.
I have been listening to the Arky Girl to try to make myself immune to it. It's not working. It still terrifies me. I can smell Kira on myself and it makes me smile. Yesterday she fed me strawberries and I ate them from her fingers. I am far too emotionally masochistic.
confessions of colette montoya humphrey
Saturday, March 24, 2001
03:52 p.m.
1. Yes, I am fully aware that I am a needy, selfish, manipulative and bitchy person.
2. Yes, I know that I don't value myself as much as I should. I know that my need to be loved scares you, but it's okay. I'm not going to be a perfect angel just because it bothers you that I'm not like you, that it doesn't really bother me when I leave you in the dust.
3. Yes, I know that it's pathetic and stupid for me to be in love with someone who is gone, who is obviously not coming back. 2 1/2 weeks. what are the days? 4, 11, 26, 21.
4. I don't want you to treat me like I'm deficient. I know that I'm "sick" and I know that I have problems. I know that I don't see things from the "normal" perspective. mental illness doesn't mean that i'm horrid. can't you see that i'm a regular person underneath?
5. JESUS FUCK IT SHOULDN'T BE SUCH A BIG DEAL THAT I'M REACHING OUT TO THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE DEPRESSED. DON'T CONDEMN ME FOR BONDING WITH SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARES.
cut off my hair, you lied in my face
Saturday, March 24, 2001
03:37 p.m.
sarah is mad, or summat. she's being incredibly bitchy. i don't know how to deal with it. it's odd though... cos our friends are mainly mutual... and even allison understands sarah's pov more than my own. i am incredibly angry and taking it out on everyone. first, everyone tells me to stop taking out my anger on myself... then when i get upset at other people, they get even more mad!
n'nait yeba wants me to publish my journals, he said they'd be bestsellers. i told him i didn't want to be that vulnerable, my paperjournal is my only safe spot. it's weird... dr. davis understands my complete fear of abandonment. he's read how i feel guilty, as if i've cheated on sarah, just for having sexual dreams. maybe i am crazy, like everyone says. weird.
i live in my own fantasy world. i remember when i revealed it to dorothy, told her that everything i'd said to her was a lie. we broke up not that long afterward. every time i go somewhere new, i vow that i won't let myself slip into NaPiay, but I always do. Funny that... hardly anyone even knows what NaPiay is.
oh ruthie, come hug me! we can play "what's yr favorite?" and dance in the cafeteria. i miss you so much right now. i feel strange. i feel i'm a failure for leaving school, i feel i'm a failure for not being the pueblo woman my family needs me to be, i feel i'm a failure for not being good enough for sarah. i feel i'm a failure for weighing too much. i feel i'm a failure.
STOP FEELING SO MOTHER FUCKING SORRY FOR YRSELF. i'm trying. i will. i'm going to be okay. mercile says she's looking forward to seeing me in the fall. reality. i will probably be going back to wisconsin in the fall... kira calls it "the land of cheese and snow." back to anne beal. back to the faces of the people who have seen me fall. back to those who know that i am less than they. but i will do it, i will finish this FUCKING degree.
i DESPISE being biracial. my people here don't understand what it's like to be an educated middle class person and why i want to read and why i'm gay and my blatant skepticism for our old ways. the white people don't understand that i am pueblo and that it will always be a part of me, that there are feelings i have inside me that are unique to our people.
i finished lolita. i'll need another entry to react to it. it's the best book i've read in months.
i've seen you around the mall, i know you outslut them all
Saturday, March 24, 2001
01:32 a.m.
yikes ow ow ow! my cunt is sore. menstrual fluid is 12% blood- i learned that today. the diseases that are big in albuerque are herpes and hep. must remember to be safe.
am i morally wrong for finding kira so swiftly after sarah's departure? cliche but: how can it be wrong when it feels so right? my head nestling on kira's shoulder, her arms about me. the way she's not afraid to kiss me in public. i'm a sillyhead.
i'm STILL not done with lolita, due to sleeping in, a boring phone call from housing, hanging about the headstart, playing with mish, and going out. i probably won't get to it tonight either... but then, onward! i swear, i can bear at least 5 pages of jane austen. why do i hate her so much??? unbearably dull.
i found a girl for caitlin today. yeah, i know. caitlin isn't looking for girls, but i found one for her! and lots of boys for joe!. kira smells good. very good. okay, i need to stop babbling about kira.
hold me, ooooh sha la la la
Saturday, March 24, 2001
12:56 a.m.
i am so happy-giggle-silly right now. kira came over to aunty's a bit before 7 and it was fun. yeah. i went to group, which was like briarpatch group (tlu) only without pab's fisting stories. there were no new mexican equivalents of Fall-Down Allie or Melanie. i love meeting new queer people.
we went out afterward and i got felt up and very nearly seduced at a playground in nob hill. damn that sand! my clothes are all sandy now... good thing though... i came home and i'm bleeding. so my wonderful cunt is exactly on time, to the day. yayyy cunt. (it deserves congratulations lately, on living up to our chenilla reputation)
on the ride home, we had a whipped cream fight and had to stop at michelle's to clean ourselves up. tommy and i babbled the whole way back to los lunas and if all goes well, we're going to hang out tomorrow. yayyy. i'm happy to be home. kira makes me happy, the way she holds me and kisses me and *omg* lets me bottom!
mimmy is freaked out by me. she hasn't lived with me since high school... so when i appeared at 12:30 she said "Colette! Were you kissing tonight? You are so promiscuous! You only broke up with Dorothy a year ago!" uhhhh. there's a lot she doesn't know about me. Philip really likes Kira and so do Jordan and Jameta.
i went to jordan's headstart today and pushed the kids on the swings. he was really proud of me, it was cute. i met his friends- all aged 3 and 4- caleb, summer, destiny l., destiny k., carlos, and some other kid. they were all so cute! i love kids...
i'm okay today, rather happy. i was feeling really out of it earlier int he day, but i wrote and wrote and it's better now. i'm still having irrational dreams. kira and i talked about jealous- we're both mad jealous. wooo! we talked earlier and decided on monogamy. and now we have dams in 3 flavors. i haven't used dams in so long... i feel kind of guilty about that, but i'm clean. (got tested AGAIN, didn't get anything from sarah, duh, but i had to make sure)
so now i'm home with the baby, who's playing star wars on the playstation. silly boy! i love him to death. lately he's been asking me about God. i don't know what to tell him... he's so incredibly involved with our native religion, i wish i had had that opportunity as a kid. i'm so proud of him. elisabeth is home for the weekend and her little teen self again. blehhhhh.
on wednesday we walked by a guy on the sidewalk. we didn't give him anything (me and k) and kira admitted to white guilt. what's white guilt really like??? chris bought a guy some sodas today and he walked away smiling. if i had the money, i'd make sure all the kids in the world could eat.
embarassing moment of the day: reaching for money for tommy's smokes and slapping a condom onto the counter.
you've been out riding fences so long now
Thursday, March 22, 2001
09:11 p.m.
okay, a sane entry. i need one. try try try. colette, you're okay, you're a regular person, a good person. i can't, i can't, i can't. oh, please hold me.
yeah. i went to the library today. still reading lolita. (duh, i just started it yesterday) i'll be done tonight. i have this incredible headache. i need my meds, a kiss, and a snuggle. i'm just upset, but i'll be okay. i'm eating. yayyyy. (i'm trying to be nice to myself in this entry.) yeah. um.
trying some le tigre to cheer me up... nields not working. i miss allison. when i was younger (oooh baby, 15 yr old colette) i used to go to her and talk and talk and talk. we used to go for walks on friday afternoons in green isle park. we sat on the same bench- the one with the submerged rubbish can and the fishing thinger hanging in the tree. i miss that. then, i fell emotionally. i stressed her so much that we've never really regained that closeness. she's been so amazing- she never really cared that i'm gay. she was the 2nd person i told, after Vicki. i was in love with allison. every single girl i've ever been with is as close to allison as possible. do i love sarah because she's a gay allison????
i got angela's letter today... all spirally with a bird picture enclosed. both are going up onto the walls. they made me smile. i need to smile more. kira makes me smile. she kisses me as if i'm water and she's stranded in libya.
All of my days and nights are filled with Nabokov smiles
Thursday, March 22, 2001
08:37 p.m.
people are mad at me again. a sara-karen-mike scandal. i feel like shooting myself. WHY? why do little things upset me so much? it doesn't make sense. i want to bury Lottie's knife in my forearm and let the blood spill until I can compensate for what I have done. please, let this be okay.
phil and i walked about 3 miles today- from the big I up to San Mateo along Menaul. Then we got the bus up to Wyoming (oops) and had to walk to Indian School and then along IS down to Louisiana. It took us 2 hours. Slightly worth it as I got some books and Phil got his Shaggy cd.
I let Dr. Davis see this page today. We talked about my fear of abandonment and my need for comfort. Why doesn't anyone else understand??? It doesn't make sense. Sara understands. We are so alike.
I had 2 nightmares last night. The first involved me going to see Kateri and Jason. They asked me to leave and never come back. I ended up at Union Station (which i can't deal with) alone, running around feeling like everyone hated me. I ran into Sarah, Angela, and Karen and they wouldn't tell me how to get home. In the 2nd dream, I was at Chad's dining room. I met this girl who was the Ani-girl (the girl who plays ani songs at liz) but looked like Melanie. She told me all the codes for the powerpuff games and then we went upstairs and kissed. I bolted awake and felt like I'd betrayed sarah. why???? because i still love her.
happier news: i went on a date last night. i was held and kissed and crazily-wonderfully fucked in the handicap restroom at the frontier. her name is Kira and she's awesome. i can talk to her, real conversation... she's crazy fun and wonderful and all that bug stuff. we scared the entire frontier restaurant. when we emerged, glowy and happy, from the stall, this woman was highly freaked. then, these straight girlies sat near us and after hearing approx. 2 mins of our conversation, moved across the room. then, there was this old guy who kept looking at us and eventually had to move his chair and turn his back. a dykey looking woman(old guy's wife) looked at us jealously. a lovely evening. i came up silly-happy and tumbled into the living room and watched J & J.
i need new glasses, says the optometrist (pedophile gross guy at PHS). I also cut my hair off. I always have this need to shed hair when I begin a new relationship or end an old one. i discovered that i can slide Lottie's knife along my arm and slice a piece off. i need to be free. fiona apple used to carve "to be free" on her closet door. i used to draw it in my NaPiay phase.
TaTa had me go out and put new reflectors on the post along the road. I hammered and felt my anger flow away. I am nearly always angry. At first, I wanted to slice myself open with the nails, but decided to hammer instead. It worked. TaTa wants me to help him install the gate at the ranch. He says he'll teach me to be a carpenter. He's happy I like shop-type stuff. I hate working on the car; he's glad cos he doesn't want me to be a mechanic.
I am going to work on being me. I'm reading Lolita. I'm vowing now to go to Concerned Counseling cos it makes me feel sorry for myself. Please, let this whole WI/Witte friends thing clear up, please. I shouldn't let it worry me so... I'm home, not up there. I need to get away from that state of mind, the state of mind that won't let me free. I should go out and pray, dig my feet into the sand and feel home.
Side effects: extreme dizziness and headache, most likely due to impending mooniness and long walk in industrial zone. probably not med-related. love lithium, missing my extra 40mgs of Prozac.
just another before you go, go away
Tuesday, March 20, 2001
10:30 p.m.
Today is better. I woke up around 3 and read a lot. Yesterday I forgot to take my Prozac, possibly the cause of my moodiness and the feeling that i wanted to crawl back to Sarah. Today is better. Tomorrow MUST be better.
I have a date with Kira. I'm also spending the night at Auntie Roxanne's so that I don't have to shuttle back and forth from Los Lunas to Albuquerque. I have suddenly realized that my hair is an ABSOLUTE mess. I should have told her that my hair is growing out. I'll need a haircut. Immediately.
Sara and I played literati today... only we couldn't play cos she never got any consonants and I never got vowels. It was still fun.
We didn't go to the library today! Luckily, Auntie lives right by the library so I can go there. I just have to find my Rio Grande card. I'm still reading some crazed book of my sister's- Girl Gives Birth to Prom Date- out of lack of other reading materials. Ruthie recommended a book and I'm going to get it. I'm also going to try some Stephen King, cos everyone is always shocked that I've never read him.
I need to get out of here.
you're the sweetest green apples, you must be the one
Monday, March 19, 2001
11:35 p.m.
today more people assured me that it will be alright. i talked to uncle kurt but i didn't mention what's really bothering me. i think he knows nonetheless. daddy's an asshole for letting uncle kurt go. he's the most loving person i know.
i was doing okay for a few days. i see dr. davis on thursday and i'm ready to burst into tears and tell him how much it hurts, how it's never hurt this badly before, and how i'd do anything to change it. when it happened the first time, i prayed. i prayed and cried and meant my prayers in a way i'd never meant them before. He let me down. My brain knows that it's better this way, but I feel completely destroyed. I haven't let myself cry for days now, I want to believe that it's better. it's not better. I don't know how I thought it would be, after only 2 weeks. I need to go outside and scream and cry. WHY? I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO BE LIKE THIS, I ONLY WANTED THE BEST. I'M SORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRY.
i felt so incredibly sad today that i made myself sick. i went out to the garden and vomited into the rocks. oh darling, please don't forget me. i know that i can be flighty and flirt with all these girls, but i don't love them. i love one, but i don't love her the way i do you. why does it hurt so much? i don't understand, i don't understand.
i wish i knew of some way to ease the pain.
every morning you love me just the same
Sunday, March 18, 2001
11:12 p.m.
i got my boxes today. we drove up to san juan. i broke down the boxes while my mom went to casino. (it's funny how we say casino instead of the casino, kind of like they say hospital instead of the hospital in ireland.) i finished right away so picked up trash in the land out front. i climbed the ladder to the tree house but didn't go in. there were broken bottles in my little space beneath. i've grown up, i don't play there any longer. what happened?
sara and i are upset. as usual. she likes the name lithium, for a med at least. i wish she could feel better. i like being able to talk to her because she understands my perspective and doesn't just say "just get better" as if i could do it overnight if i wanted to.
i ran into norbert today. he always makes me really uncomfortable. he's a big pushover and stubborn in the wrong ways. leslie and i don't think he's an effective director. maybe he is now. maybe leslie will want to hang out, or volney.
the way everyone loves Celie the most PISSES ME OFF. just cos she's a perfect little angel, everyone adores her. phil and i can't be that good. we have faults. we are normal people. i'm not as smart as celie and i know it. but ARGH! mama took her out today and got her stuff. she took me and phil to villa linda only after phil did his famous whiney thing. she was furious and frustrated the whole time. i wish i could make mimmy feel better the way celie does, but not enough that i'm going to sacrifice my own happiness. jesus god!
not to complain about mimmy. we talked about daddy today. apparently he had weird ideas about babies. he wanted me to be born right away so that i would be made stronger by the turmoil in their marriage. what? weirdo. i wish that he understood, at least a tiny bit, what's going on.
i have eaten 6 meals in a row and kept them all. i am ill, fussy, cranky, and all the rest, but i ate. my scale's battery is dead. manda says she'll help me eat like a regular person. i'd love to be free of the stress of my eating disorder... but can i deal with the fact that i'll never be thin like randi osetek??
day 5 of lithium: nausea, occasional dizziness
and i know how easy it would be to love you again
Saturday, March 17, 2001
10:42 p.m.
jess was having me list things that are positive about myself. i am still having a hard time. i decided to look up codes for buffy again. i didn't find them, but sara superhero did. that's what superheroes are for. today phil and celie and i were home alllllll day longggggg. we're taking c back to school tomorrow.
i am angry again. why do i get so angry? even after things are long over (like years) i still get upset and cry and wish for her to come back and say it's going to be okay and shhhh calm down i love you. it's even harder when your family is completely unaware that there have been several girls since then and still act like she's still yours. and i don't want to correct them, because it would be so nice if she was. i wish she were here. i wish.
today elisabeth asked me why one should not put showergel in one's cunt. she's growing up and it's SCARY! she wears bras. she has pubic hair. ahhhhhh!
the other day my friend told me there'd be another girl someday. i said i didn't want another girl and could she deal if her girlfriend left and people told her there'd be another girl? i was too mean about it i think. but she understands how i feel. apparently one may mourn one's girlfriend for 2 years. after that, it's pathetic. i will not be pathetic! i refuse! she's not dead, right? and my life is perfectly intact.
why do people tell i'm too insensitive and then yell at me for missing a girl?
in one more hour i will be gone
Saturday, March 17, 2001
03:17 p.m.
men. boys. males. those guys. yeah.
sometimes they make so much more sense to me, but sometimes my guard is so strong that i feel that i MUST escape from them. volney and my uncles and dr. davis- i can talk to them in ways that women generally don't understand. i relate to them so much better. but people like ben, norbert... i just get this huge mental/emotional wall and i am filled with intense rage. why do men disturb me so much???? why?
a good thing to do when stuck in isleta is to have an obsession. last summer i was obsessed with the x-files and that helped a great deal. at the moment, i'm reading all the buffy scripts. i can't wait until my bicycle comes... i am in dire need of transportation. when my bike comes, i'll go to the library... aldous huxley was my best friend last summer...
fucking dana found me again. AGAIN. how come, no matter how hard i try, dana is ALWAYS able to find me? arggggh! oh well. one of my prouder thingies is that i have never hugged or kissed dana. she's just so... BLEEEEHHHHHH. yeah. sorry. i just cannot deal with dana. she's getting older now though, and realizes that dating Allie was kind of crappy. I felt almost mad... I dated Allie too and she's very sweet! A little... lost, but still!
i'm supposed to clean out the car.
and they say marianne killed herself
Friday, March 16, 2001
11:50 p.m.
phil and i watched \"i know what you did last summer\" tonight and we are scared out of our minds. he's sleeping in my bed tonight cos we're afraid of the hook guy. stop laughing! he was scary.
we drove up to santa fe today to get celie. she's fine. her dorm is cute, but she's switching rooms AGAIN. that girl has had more roommates in the past year than i've had girlfriends. and that's lots. we ate on the way, in bernalillo, so i couldn't purge. i've felt full and sick all day long. i also ate tonight, with pippy, i feel sick from that as well. stupid eating. manda says she'll help me to learn to eat. and that she'll be nice about it. i need to look into a train ticket out there...
today sarah was going to get a haircut, like tegan's. i don't know if she did. she's going to look all different... why does that bother me so much? i look different too. my spots are gone and my hair is long. i have barrettes (barettes?) in it now. we are two separate people. i am my own person. i need to learn to be strong and not so emotionally dependent. i am strong, i just need to be strong instead of letting myself fall back on old habits.
mimmy and i talked about the fact that i've been depressed for nearly 5 years. the first time she suspected something was wrong, she took me to see a therapist. her name was mary. mimmy thought i was on drugs. i wasn't. we tried therapy again 2 years later, with lisa. that was better. that's when i started prozac. prozac and panda are the only ones who've stuck by me through this whole thing.
when i had been with D for a month, she told her psychologist that her girlfriend had an eating disorder. the psychologist told her that i'd be nothing but trouble and to expect to be hurt. i was fine though, i was. i went from june 26th 1999 to october 2000 without a hospitalization. (4 hours in the ER for cutting doesn't count.) the only ones who seem to understand what's going on in my head are sara, manda, and dr. davis.
p.s. angela- i've read all 4. i finished them at christmas. the only one we have here in isleta is goblet of fire. that's my least favorite. my favorite is prisoner of azkaban.
p.p.s. sara, thanks for talking to me yesterday. it really helped. i tried the thing with the cows but they just turned their heads and looked at me. it rained today though.
eyes knees groin throat
Thursday, March 15, 2001
05:49 p.m.
mimmy and phil have gone to get groceries and to look at daniel fernandez cos mimmy's got some sort of thing there tomorrow. n'nai beaux2 gave me back my tetris game... finally a game i can play (to some degree).
i starting reading "My Antonia" today.. Willa Cather. I think she was gay. The book is good... but it's from a man's point of view which is irritating. Why do I deal so badly with books from men's vantage points? I was reading these 2 books about feminism but they made me so bored that I fell asleep. literally. I am not cut out for women's studies.
when i was 10, i had a dual crush on this girl karissa hoy and her friend bridget mccann. i was in lurve. i wrote them letters everyday, i dreamed about them, i named my pet fish after them. eventually i kind of forgot about them, but then i ended up having Bridget in class when i was 14. i loved her all over again, even more. we drove to green isle park and sat and talked. the tension in that car was the greatest sexual tension i have ever had with anyone. ever. she ended up just dropping me off, we were both scared of admitting our sexualities. i miss her. she goes to steven's point now...
why the fuck don't we get good tv out here???
oh sundancer, tonight i pray for you, oh sundancer, tonight i pray that you, go on dancing, go on praying
Thursday, March 15, 2001
01:47 p.m.
wednesday. or is it thursday? i forgot! thursday, okay. tomorrow, we're driving up north to pick up havie and celie. i'm actually more excited about havie... my little sister isn't that thrilling. she's so success-oriented, it drives me mad. i feel like i'll never be as successful as her. she's the captain of every fucking thing at SFIS.
last night i dreamed sarah and i were together again. i went to buy cigarettes. they only came in packs of 3. i guess that clued me in that the dream was absolute garbage. darn. people are very nice about me missing sarah. sara listens and says it's normal. lately, sara and i have been getting along swimmingly. she understands me. i miss karen though... karen oh karen! where the junk are you?
the new furniture came. it's fun! mimmy told me to leave a drawer and a half for Celie. I'm not. I took all of them. Celie can have the shelves next to them. (i'm a rotten sister.) i'm bright blue again. yayyy for colette having weird circulation. i look eerily bluishly pale. i am losing weight, quickly.
i miss my friends. i can still chat with them online... but i miss them. will they all forget me now that i'm home in indian country? i hope not. i'm going to look on planetout to see if ANYONE lives out here.
how to fight loneliness
Wednesday, March 14, 2001
12:31 p.m.
i can't write much, mimmy has gone to get phil in isleta and i'm supposed to be cleaning my room so the furniture movers can get here. i'm also supposed to leave space for Celie, since she lives here 1/7 of the time. yeah right.
i saw dr. davis yesterday. he gave me my lithium. i am going to use it to make myself happy. i know that it can be used to OD cos the dose is so close to lethal, but i'll be okay. i'm home and my family loves me. today, mimmy asked me if i needed to talk about sarah. we talked about what i love about sarah and what i miss about sarah and why it's good that we're not together. my mom is the best.
i miss my friends. i'm kind of lonely out here. i read a lot... jane austen is good company. i'm also writing a lot of letters. why don't i feel better? i'm trying so hard. i still have this incredible anger in me. i just want to pick up the monitor and heave it at the window or something. i am so frustrated and angry and i have no clue why. i'm irate and i can't release it.
i have to go finish moving furniture about...
she is done with boys, yeah she is done with boys
Sunday, March 11, 2001
11:09 p.m.
yesterday night i experimented with putting my sheet on with the bright side facing up, like sarah likes it. it doesn't work out for me. at all. it really really frustrated me. i think i'm neurotic. i also got really upset today because i don't have any shelves to put my clothes on. i hung up all my hang-up sort of clothes, but i really really want shelves. i'll probably make some later this week.
dr. davis, dr. davis. i really really want to see him, even if he doesn't give me lithium. he has legos in his office. i used to sit there in my horrible sailor pants and t-shirts and complain that the world sucked. he always nodded and photocopied sylvia plath poems he thought i'd like. i am really exciting to see him again. he is the BEST psychiatrist ever. seriously. i always feel better when i leave his office. he takes me seriously, he actually listens.
i hate the word pussy. aaaaaagh. it makes me want to scream. in other moods, it reminds me of the owl and the pussycat. oh pussy oh pussy oh pussy my love, what a wonderful pussy you are you are, what a wonderful pussy you are.
today angelina told me that i can masturbate or drink a glass of water to relieve stress. i'm really stressed, made even more so by the fact that i've got spots all over my face. yucko. i look like... 14 year old colette. i'm concerned cos people say that when they say colette too fast, it sounds like clit. i like kissy.
if it were possible, i'd cuddle more. i tried to cuddle with jordan but he gets squirmy. i could go sleep with mimmy and phil, but i like having my own room. also, they wake up too early.
songs with car noises are hilarious.
half a mile from paris, she looked at me and said, "everybody loves you, when you're dead"
Sunday, March 11, 2001
09:25 p.m.
i hung up my shirts today. and my skirts. i still have to figure out what to do about the stuff that i don't have hangers for. especially since havie is coming and the tv as well. i think i'll put this computer in phil's room.
today, jameta, jordan, celie, phil, and i were horrible. we are stuck in the "nintendo generation" cereal killer says. we all sat in a row on the couch with our game boys, beep beep beep. eventually jordan and i quit and i taught him to somersault and we're working on headstands. i love him. we were home late as aunty mimi didn't show up to pick up celie to drive her up to sfis. we eventually just left celie at aunty roxanne's and drove home. phil and i sat with our headphones on staring out the windows. we are very isolated from each other at times.
boomer came by this morning. there is something out there that thinks i'm a witch. when i dream or say things, they happen. maybe not exactly, but they do. the first time i remember this is when i dreamed about tom conner and he came over. i was sick and he gave me a brio dog on yellow wheels. very french.
we've got daffodils and tulips in our yard. my jalapeños are gone. of course they're gone, it's not summer. i found my sleater-kinney badge in my bin. it's been missing since june. now it's not.
i see dr. davis soon. lithium. please.
when i say you sucked my brain out the english translation is i am in love with you
Saturday, March 10, 2001
10:56 p.m.
i'm back in new mexico. my pillow smells like airport floor. vomit. i'm going to change it. now it smells like freesia. a yellow pillowcase. i flew and slept and flew all day long. then i went and played with my little cousins.
i am in my little blue bed. fun how i can type from my bed... okay, here's what i really feel: OHSARAHOHSARAHOHIMISSYOU. i wanted to read to her, i wanted to read the part about the cave. she read to me when i was sad, she called me little nut. we used to order chinese, the same every time. she gave me her bangs bracelet and now i think i left it behind. it's okay to cry...
i am still sad, which is dumb. i am tough. i still want to die. jess told me to list the things i've done right. but i couldn't think of any.
i am thinking of reasons for sarah, reasons that are not sarah. fried okra, my baby cousin jordan, maga, memories. when i was in ukraine, i used to close my eyes and if i tried really hard, i could imagine that someone was holding me, even though i was all alone sleeping on a brown divan. maybe if i try really hard, someday i won't be alone. i'm never alone really... panda and i are a team. panda and i have cuddled through so many sucky times and we don't give up.
i've seen you around the mall, i know you outslut them all
Saturday, March 10, 2001
03:10 a.m.
she's still gone. what did i expect? i'd close my eyes and pray and pray and she'd be back? it doesn't work. i could smell her on my pillow. i've been told that it's all good. i've been told to remember all the bad stuff. i've been told to pretend it's a month later. i've been told that i'm strong. but the best thing so far, is that i'm me. me again. i'll be home tomorrow and i can wiggle my toes in the sand. i can sit by the rio grande and i will be home.
all i can think of now is sarah wearing the garter belt i got her for michelle watchman. odd that. i still have most of the underwear i got with D- i wear it when i have my period. sarah's got a gunslinger from me too. and other little meaningless things.
i had a crush on sarah the day we met. la la la. i can be single, right? today in therapy cana and i talked about how we both feel that we need to be in relationships in order to valid as people. then, when they fall apart, we feel as if we're horrible people. cana's great- she understands. i think really strange things sometimes.
today i was playing my buffy video game and anya said something really stupid and i wanted to show it to sarah and she wasn't there. aaaaggggghhh. dr. rolli told me a load of shite about transitioning to the point where we are friends. transition my ass. we weren't really lovers anyway. how can you take a psychiatrist named Molli Rolli seriously anyway? her parents were fucked up.
i don't cry as easily when people tell me stuff. today, this OT nurse told me not to invite people out of group. if someone had said that to me when i was in meriter, i would have cried and it would have ruined my day. instead, i just slid out of the room on my skid-free hospital socks and watched powerpuff with denise. denise tried to give me advice about girls: as soon as you feel shaky, leave yr girlfriend. at the first sign, the very first, leave. that way they can't leave you first. that's what i used to believe, after erin left me cos i was too "intense," after eliza left cos she didn't like knowing that my world was revolving around her (it actually wasn't, it was revolving around erin, but she was close), after melanie left because she couldn't deal w/ my bulimia.
relationships
1. eliza 2. erin 3. melanie 4. allie 5. dorothy 6. marissa 7. james 8. kat 9. jo 10. jessie 11. sarah 12. jenna
kisses:
1. lyena 2. tricia 3. monica 4. sami 5. jo 6. erin 7. melanie 8. allison 9. allie 10. whateverthefuck her name was at meriter 11. laura 12. dorothy 13. jill 14. melissa 15. marie 16. sami 17. james 18. sean 19. ginna 20. sara 21. sarah 22. jess
sex:
1. monica 2. sami 3. erin 4. jo 5. melanie 6. allie 7. melissa 8. dorothy 9. marie 10. james 11. sean 12. jess 13. sarah
that was one of the more pointless things i've done. i'm gonna remember more people in a few minutes, i always forget people.
love:
1. allison 2. anna 3. dorothy 4. sarah
people who have ACTUALLY gone down on me:
1. jo 2. sarah
why am i doing this? i must be INCREDIBLY bored. or summat.
stupid nicknames i've called girlfriends:
angel, lovely love, sweet thing, monkey, catkin, kitty, kitten, puppy
stupid nicknames i've been called:
angel, hedgehoggie, girl, wee beastie, pixie, bumblebee, kitten, witch baby, pup-pup
best nickname:
gypsy fairy girl
books i've read aloud to girlfriends:
dangerous angels, francesca lia block
kissing the witch, emma donoghue
you left yr beret behind and yr croissant is getting cold
Friday, March 9, 2001
10:41 p.m.
i'm in the dorm. let's try again to see if i can be trusted with my selfness. i know i can't. i know that as soon as i get to be alone, i'm going to buy more aspirin and let it go. everyone has been telling me that it will get better, that i'll feel better, etc. i do, momentarily.
once upon a time, i was 16 years old.i was going to kill myself, but my girlfriend held me close to her and told me she'd always be there, until i felt strong enough to do stuff myself. she held me in her arms and played bjork's "there's more to live than this." it was the sweetest thing... she just held me and said i'd be safe with her.
when i got back from the hospital, i ran to her. she held me tight again and then told me she had big news. she had a new girlfriend, rendering me redundant. that's the most painful moment in my life so far.
sarah left. i've known she was going to for ages n ages but i didn't didn't didn't want it to happen so i pretended it wasn't going to. the last time she told me she loved me was in december. i smothered her, depended on her, all that guilty-ridden-totally-colette stuff. i was clingy, i was horrid. but she made me smile. i'll be okay, right? i mean... it's not like i've never been dumped before. it's not like somebody died... it's just that she's gone away. and i didn't get to say good-bye. i want to cry and cry and cry but the only person i want to have hold me right now is her. argggggh.
pab told me 2 years ago that i had to find tons of tinny little reasons to live. for a while i'd write them down. lists and lists and lists. ruthie sometimes asks me "what's yr favorite?" i usually answer "dusty." what's my favorite now? still dusty. soon it won't be, soon i'll answer with something else, but now, it's still dusty. still.
i'll be home tomorrow, in the village. my family will hug me and love me. i'll be home. home. home. dr. davis will take care of me and give me medicines so i feel better. everyone says i'll feel better when i get home. i'm afraid i won't. it's kind of like when i left kateri behind in 1996. it hurt like hell, more than hell. i didn't cry when mellie left, but now, i feel like a black hole, like there's a black hole in my stomach and i can feel this weight pulling the rest of my body toward it.
i want to go outside and scream and scream at the sky for letting her leave.
can't explain
Tuesday, March 6, 2001
03:59 p.m.
what's gender? i'm not trans, i thought it was once, but i am not. i'm a girl, i love being a girl. i am i am i am. why do i detest men so much? i don't hate them, i just don't like them. i really don't like them. am i a horrible evil person because i don't want to be around them??? what about my friends? what about straussey, he's a guy... but no, i like him cos he wasn't always a guy. is that wrong? am i horrible for admitting that??? what about my friends who had guy's bodies? do i hate them for that? i don't, but sometimes i feel disgusted by them. is it wrong to admit that? is it wrong? because i love them,i care for them deeply, but i am still disturbed that once upon a time they were men or had men's bodies. am i wrong? am i evil?
i like josh. but why do i like josh? i like my brother... but i don't want men. i want them to stay away from me. they can be there, it's fine, but make them stay away. away. why do i feel this way? i am a bigot, i don't like men. i don't like them.
i don't think they should be killed or anything. i don't think they're degenerate or stupid or wrong. i just don't like them. why do i have to have a reason? i just don't like them. sometimes they repulse me, i want to kick them, make them go away. but i don't, i don't. what's wrong with me??
let the phone ring, let's go back to sleep
Tuesday, March 6, 2001
04:27 a.m.
i can't believe i'm awake. i did all my reading and all my homework except for nepali cos i haven't a clue what we were doing, i was half asleep throughout the entire class. i'm supposed to write 10 sentences but i haven't a clue what they're to be about!
i saw mercile today. she says i have to tell krishna about my rape myself. she says she'll do it if i really can't. maybe karen will stand with me when i tell him. i'm really scared. sissel knows and she's cool about it.
therapy tomorrow with anne beal. i'm not sure what we'll do. i am going to be perfect, go to class, do my work, all that. i'll study all break since i'm not going anywhere and my friends are all going on trips. i need time to myself.
life is so confusing.
