greetings from amsterdam!
Friday, December 23, 2005
07:39 a.m. (Amsterdam)

Here I am in Schipol airport. It's been 7.5 years since I was here last and it's much improved. I changed dollars to Euros and got this internettime card. I have 5 minutes remaining...

Sat next to North Dakotan farmerson the flight. They were not too smart, let me tell you that. We saw"Must Love Dogs" and some otherweird movie Isleptthrough, as well as "Cheers." The space bar at thisstation is crap but I want to conserve my time.

All of my love.love.love to Jen and greetngs to the rest ofyou. Kaya is having a lovely time and everyone loves her. I'm about to pick up some postcards and look around as I have over3 hours beforemy flight to Kiev. It's late at nigh tot me, but here in the Netherlands, the sun is just rising. Happy Christmas!!! Nextupdate? From Freezing (yet hopefully sunny) Ukraine!

comments?

action is action
Sunday, December 18, 2005
11:19 a.m.

Four days until Ukraine. I'm still not packed, but I have my passport and my cash. I need to stop by M&I bank for some Euros to use while in the Netherlands. I booked my hotel in Hoofddorp for the return trip. Jen can't get off work to see me off in Chicago, so I am also going to need to get one dollar bills for the SmartCarte. It's true. I'm nervous.

I talked to my school; I've been invited to their Christmas Party! My old Russian tutor is also excited to see me. I've been looking at websites of Kharkov residents, just to acclimate myself to the major changes that occur in 7 years in a developing country. The streets, however, should be the same. Will the cellist and his singing wife still live in our building? How about our Georgian cook? What about the hotdog vendor who puts shredded carrots on his wares? I don't know if I'll see them again, but there will be many new people to discover.

One of the more exciting changes is an express train to Kharkiv from Kiev. Where once you needed to ride the train overnight, you can now zip across the country in just a few hours. I hope this means I can go to Kiev a few times. I'm also hoping to go to Crimea. The trip itself is funded my the McNair program, but my grandmother gave me the bulk of the spending money at my graduation last spring. I'm charged with buying her a doll to go with her Peter the Great.

Four weeks away from Jen, the longest we've been separated. She'll have to feed the gerbils and learn to live without my antics. I'm going to miss her quite a bit. I'm not even going to get to talk to her very often due to the high rates. However, we do have our diamond rings on our fingers as of two weeks ago. It's my first real bling, though quite modest. I really love it! Okay, I need to pack and study.

comments?

À íà óëèöå ñíåã, à íà óëèöå äîæäü
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
02:39 a.m.

Okay, after realizing how delinquent I've been about this blog, I thought I might update. My most recent news is that I accidentally slammed my knee against the desk in a highly painful matter.

Tonight, Jen ordered Sa Bai Thong and we watched the Felicity American Girl movie with two of my dolls squished on the couch with us. Their number has recently increased to seven, as I added the Asian doll last Wednesday on a spur-of-the-moment trip to Chicago with my boss, Ann. I was supposed to be shopping for my upcoming anniversary, but I couldn't find anything suitable.

We did, however, decide on rings. I ordered them tonight, so I doubt they'll arrive by Friday's anniversary, but we'll have them over Winter Break. I'll be in Ukraine and Jen will be here. Hopefully, the ring will serve as my creepy-metro-guy repellant while I'm in Europe. They're simple rings, with three of the smallest diamonds ever found. I won't talk about them anymore because the meaning behind those two little bands is starting to freak Jen out. I was doing fine with it until I actually submitted the order and now I'm a bit peaked as well. How did this happen? How did I stumble upon the most perfect woman in the world after so many failed relationships?

I'm really lucky. Jen is fabulous; she's put up with my recent obsession with devising root vegetable recipes, my continuing addiction to American Girl dolls, and my frequent theft of the best pillow on the bed. Plus, who else would stay up late doing e-bay searchings for retro metal hot dog signs or tuck Juicy Juice boxes into my bag when I leave the house? I love her. I love our names appearing together on the mailbox and our very first holiday card addressed to us both (Thanks Hillary!). Gah, I'm being so mushy.

Twenty four days until Ukraine. Yikes. My passport still hasn't arrived, due to a mix-up on the correct alignment of my name, and I have dreams nightly that I've gone to O'Hare without it, only to be turned away. (Nice run-on sentence. I eat, shoot, and leave.) What if I can't find my hotel in Hoofddorp? I'm sure all will be well, but it's easier to dwell on logistics than the reality- that I'm terrified Lena and I won't have the same connection we once did. I am preparing myself by listening to sappy Russian pop stations on iTunes radio.

One of these days, I'll regale you with my nightmare that I forget my passport AND fell pregnant.

comments?

i'm an extraordinary machine!
Monday, October 24, 2005
11:32 p.m.

My room is absolute mess; Jen will vouch for that. Not only that, but there is no heat! Isn't that stellar? My room is extremely cold at night, so I've been staying with Jen. Now that it's the week proper, I'm bound to stay here- so I've unearthed my 4-season sleeping bag. If that doesn't keep me toasty, then it's off to Liz Waters to sleep on Maryam's guest pallet. The maintenance folks are supposed to check the thermostat- but in the meantime, they should be bringing space heaters tomorrow. I thought my mom was the only one who owned those things! We have this thing called the Vornado, but it eats up a lot of electricity, so mostly we huddle together like mice.

Speaking of rodentia- Frida and Diego had four more babies this weekend. Fun, right? We're pretty used to that. Of course, what Jen and I did not count on is that Stella and Kahuna would have four babies the same day. Thanks, gerbils. The teenagers are set to vacate the premises as soon as I can arrange transportation. Thankfully, Jen actually likes baby gerbils. She thinks they are cute. What??

My great news is that I did purchase a ticket to Ukraine! I'm flying to Borispol on December 22, with a stop in Amsterdam on the way. Three and a half weeks in Ukraine! I can't contain my excitement, I get jumpy and thrilled just thinking about it. Unfortunately, this means I won't be home for the winter holidays- and subsequently, Jen and I will not be in New Mexico together this winter. What can I say? The fares dropped 1K, so I had to take advantage of the opportunity, never mind the frozen steppes when I could be in balmy Isleta. Hurrah!

comments?

but I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time
Thursday, October 13, 2005
05:07 p.m.

I haven't written much lately as my life is largely mundane. I am completely unmotivated when it comes to schoolwork, though I did enjoy a discussion on Victor Turner and symbols in Ndembu ritual. I felt like a complete nerd because I was excited about it all day and am psyched that we didn't finish the discussion- so it will continue Tuesday!

My N'nai Albie, my mom's brother, passed away at the end of September, so I returned to New Mexico. It was wonderful to be with my family, but the tragedy of my uncle's untimely death shook us all very strongly. It seems cruel that life is going on without him; I spend my days doing the same things I always do. Then, suddenly, I remember he is gone and my chest tightens. A lump grows in my throat and I have to resist the urge to cry. I did see Eric while I was home, but overall, the trip was a difficult one.

Sara, Jen, and I went to the Sleater-Kinney concert last Friday. They played Sympathy, the song of theirs which speaks to me the most directly. Unfortunately, the concert was tainted by the presence of several tone deaf teenagers, who launched their bodies against everyone else's without any regard to the beat or pacing of the music. ARGGGGHHH! I spent a good portion of the concert trying to escape bodily harm. Sara, as always, took phenomenal photos. Check them out. It was my first S-K concert with Jen, which was nice.

Jen is amazing. She has been so supportive of me lately- she always is, of course, but lately, she has been particularly fabulous. When I came home from New Mexico, I found a Kit doll sitting in the living room waiting for me. She always knows exactly what will cheer me up. Mad love for Jen.

I am planning on going to Ukraine in 2 1/2 months. I am starting to freak out, because I received my final research check from this summer today. This means I can actually purchase a ticket! Ukraine represents a liminal phase in my life, a place to which I feel I must return. I am scared and thrilled all at once. In a stroke of excellent luck, Ukraine no longer requires visas from US citizens visiting the country for less than 90 days. Score! I'll save $150!

I can't begin to describe the draw I feel to Kharkov. I dream of it very consistently. I am always back in Kharkov alone, the city drastically changed, trying to find those I love. Will I find what I am seeking when I am there? What am I searching for?

Here's to a grand adventure.

comments?

not much music in my head these days...
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
12:18 p.m.

I don't know if they have a lot of delinquents pulling the alarms or if fire drills are en vogue these days, but Camp Randall is always having them. Since Jen lives less than 2 blocks away, I get to hear them. I've heard three in the past two weeks- they may have more, but since I don't stay with her full-time anymore, I can't verify that. Anyway, the fire response there must be awful. The alarms go off for half an hour, minimum. Granted, it's a large building, but it's annoying! A few nights ago, I came home at 1am and the alarm went off until 2:30am! It's going off again now. Arghhhh.

Last night George reminded me that school is the best alternative to the real world. It really is. It's just that my ambitious self would rather be working toward a graduate degree than continually lolling about the undergraduate realm. It's not like the classes would change, but I'd get a fabulous sense of entitlement- right?

I'm duly proud of my little sister this week. She published a kick-ass article in the Santa Fe New Mexican about censorship of high school students, mentioning situations where high school principals shut down queer students' rights. She also mentioned that her own school principal approves her articles before they are published in the city paper- he doesn't want the world to negatively perceive his students, especially as sexually active. Of course, it just so happened that Elisabeth did not turn in her article about censorship for approval, and it was printed in the paper without her principal's stamp. And he was not happy. The school pulled her transportation to and from the newspaper office- a big blow because she goes to a residential school several hours away from home. Luckily, a few teachers stood up for her and offered to drive her to the office on their own time.

Other sister bragging- she got into Dartmouth's fly-in program, where they fly you into the boonies to check out their school. Her essay, "View from the Backseat," mentioned her jealousy of my apparent success. If she only knew how jealous I am of her! If I hadn't graduated so young, I would have done much better. I'm so proud of her. I miss her like crazy cakes.

Last night Jen and I looked at the domestic partner declaration form for UW. It's nuts. We have to submit documentation of shared checking accounts, credit cards, car and property titles, joint leases, etc. All because we can't produce a marriage license. We aren't getting married right now anyway, but it's frustrating to see the channels we'd have to go through were we to want the faux benefits the UW does offer. (Our school, by the way, is the only big 10 not offer domestic partner benefits.) Plus, even if we were married, neither one of us wants to merge the finances, gack! And as grad students, we will not be buying a house or a car. The whole thing is ridiculous.

I am supposed to clean the gerbil cages today, especially since we are considering breeding a black male and an argente female in attempt to get lilacs. This would also mean reuniting Frida/Diego for the possibility of another few litters from them. I'm debating in my head if I'd rather just get a third cage for Diego, put Frida in the small cage and keep the breeding pair in the big one. When we're doing breeding the argente/black pair, we can split cage them back in with Frida (for the female) and Diego (for the male). We'll see.

Tonight is the marriage debate w/ the F*ocus on the F*amily guy. Jen and I plan to attend.

comments?

my baby loves me, i'm so happy...
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
03:26 p.m.

Okay, Hillary called me on it; I've been very negligent toward my blog lately. It's not for lack of downtime- I do spend hours a day at my computer endlessly re-loading the American Girl Fans Messageboard, after all. I'm the Queen of Procrastination.

I'm still in school and I'm frustrated with it. I am doing my senior project for Religious Studies and still have no clue what I'm doing. I'm working with a professor of Judaism with an area focus in the Soviet Union. I can't think of a thesis topic in that realm that really holds my interest. I'd love interview folks back at home in Isleta bout the role of Catholicism in their lives, considering our identity as Pueblo people... but that is likely overstepping the bounds of discretion. I do enjoy my class with one of my favorite people, Prof KN.

Work is going smoothly. I don't want to talk about it too much on here, but I'm happy to be back. I'm more excited about my job than I am about school. I enjoy meeting students and talking to them, I just get burnt out on the beginning-of-the-year socials with their abundance of small talk. I prefer the months when I get to have real conversations with students.

Jen and I visited my cousins Emmy and Nora at Emmy's godparents' home in Chicago about a month ago. It was a great trip. I hadn't seem Emmy and Nora since high school. Nora has grown up so much and Emmy is wonderful; she's one of my oldest, dearest friends. The city was fun, we went to Navy Pier and of course- American Girl Place.

American Girl has kind of taken over my pocketbook. Marisol, the Girl of the Year, is selling out (she's a Limited Edition) so Jen and I ordered the bulk of her collection. I even ordered an outfit I'm not that fond of, just in case I love it later and don't want to pay the exorbitant prices on eBay for retired items. My coworker and "hallmate" Natanael has been sucked into the AG world. He even plays their little computer games with me! We're becoming experts at "Marisol's Maze."

Jen's in her new apartment, being a TA and a bookseller. Even though I miss the luxury of sharing a bathroom with one, not forty, people, our new living arrangements work out well. We don't see each other as much as we did this summer and are now much more happy to see each other than we were before. She's actually become interested in the gerbils and will sit for long bits of time watching them and analyzing their behavior. Jen's even warming to the idea of breeding my prize male, Kahuna. (He really, really needs a new name...) She also wins the prize as best GF ever for bringing me home the new Elizabeth book and gifting me one of those Goldfish-shaped cracker containers. One of the best moments in the past few weeks was the night I was feel like hell and Jen had checked out a VHS documentary on the Amish. I love how we fit together so well. At MCOR last week, everyone recognized us as a couple and greeted us as such. It was a small thing, but wonderful.

My cranky moment (I call bad customer service moments "Hillary Incidents" since she has so many of them) came last week when my mom called upon my services to renew her expired license plates. Ugh. I went to the DMV on the bus and waited for an eternity, only to be told I'd brought the wrong information. I went back Friday and after 2 hours in a room packed with unpleasantly-smelling individuals, I emerged with my $68 prize- a 2 sq. inch sticker. Why can't the DMV have online renewal?

The new Sims expansion pack came out this week, but in the interest of my academic success, it will go unpurchased until October at the earliest.

comments?

hunger makes me a modern girl
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
02:35 p.m.

Summer camp... er, Housing Training... begins today. I'm just waiting for Maryam so we can go pick up our keys and scoot over to our temporary rooms. My temporary room and my permanent placement are in the same building. My permanent placement is actually next door to the room where D-Squad trains. So close!

Thank you for all your concern about my family. Sadly, it became clear that my cousin would not survive. The family had to make the difficult decision to remove him from the life support machines. He passed away less than a day later. We decided not to tell my little siblings until they return to New Mexico today. I wanted to go home for the funeral, but it was not plausible to go home for only 2-3 days. Sadly, this kind of event is only all too common back in Isleta.

Jen is in New York for Hillary and Charles' wedding! They will be married tomorrow morning and Jen will come home Friday. Jen hasn't seen Hillary since high school and she's never met Hillary's children, so this is an exciting trip for her. Plus, she spent a few days in New York City wandering around (and buying me new AG stuff, :) ). She and I are also going to Chicago in 10 days to see my cousin Emmy.

Emmy and I haven't seen each other since the summer I came back from Ukraine! She's my oldest friend. When we were three, my mother made us "angel hats" out of tinsel and we would play in the yard between our houses. She's also studying anthropology, oddly enough. Our families used to meet for the New Year in Chicago, which we haven't done as both our parents have sinced divorced. It's sad, how that happens. The other family mine was very close to e-mailed to tell me of their divorce as well. I know it's all for the best, but it's still not fun.

So, I should do a little more tidying up before Maryam arrives. Call me. My phone works again.

comments?

gerbils, dolls, and a big loss in my family
Saturday, July 23, 2005
02:55 a.m.

Jen has gone home for the weekend, for her younger brother's birthday. Theoretically, this means I am free from distractions and can work on my boring paper. In reality, it means I am spending time "hand training" my baby gerbils so they are used to human handling. I'm also spending hours on the internets reading parenting blogs. None of this is very productive. I suppose the gerbils do benefit from hand training- they won't be biters like Frida, at least.

Someone on the gerbil list-serve (yes, it's summer. I am doing research, which translates into things like joining gerbil list-serves) kindly helped me with the color identifications of the gerblings. Apparently, Miss Goldie from the last litter is "argente." This litter sees other new colors, like "dark eyed honey" and some other fancy words. People on the gerbil list-serve are really into it. They even have an Ethics Committee. Once this litter grows up, I will likely separate Frida and Diego with a same-gender pup each so they can end their long dynasty.

I got my appointment letter for work today. It lists my thrilling responsibilities and the dates I have to be back from vacations. Now that Jen is starting an 8-6, M-F job, I will need something more concrete. This summer feels like the same day looping over and again: read blogs. pretend to do reading. read blogs. look at gerbils. water plants. read blogs. It's not quite that monotonous of course, but it can feel that way.

Summer is a good time for petty indulgences. I operate on a low budget during these months, which means I don't get the same kind of instant material gratification from spending. Luckily for me, I'm taking a course right now that highlights the evils of endless material wants. Instead of not wanting things, I just feel vaguely guilty about it. I justify it by thinking the primitivists were all racist idiots... but I pretty much feel the same way about the anti-primitivists too. American Girl is coming out with a new doll next week- and releasing a new bunch of outfits for my childhood favorite, Felicity. How weird is it that I am still into these things? I don't even play with the dolls. In fact, I don't even display the dolls either. They are in rubbermaid bins in the closet. I think it's the thrill of having the money (or having the money if I forego things like... food) to buy the things my parents never bought me as a kid. They were right, 90 dollars is unreasonable for a doll. I did love the books, but I craved a doll and all the pricey accessories. I liked the historical aspect. I still like the historical aspect, but am more interested in the bizarre underworld of adult American Girl collectors. I like cultural anthropology too much; it's the same thing that drives me to read all the blogs of white parents adopting transracially.

I really have to go to bed, because I have a seminar in six hours and forty-five minutes. I hate missing them because I am then forced to make them up by watching the videotapes with crappy sound and horrible resolution. Ugh. Plus, tomorrow is rumored to be check distribution day! One last piece of news, however.

A few days ago, my cousin was involved in a fatal accident. He had just fixed up his car with his tribal dividends and ended up totalling it beyond recognition, killing the two passengers in the backseat. He and the front seat passenger are in critical condition at the hospital. No charges have yet been pressed against him because it is unsure whether or not he will survive. Police believe alcohol was involved, as several cases of beer were extracted from the wreckage. This cousin was precisely my age. He had just gotten his associate's degree, something pretty rare where I come from. I am stunned; I am having a hard time accepting that my cousin did such a thing. My heart goes out to the families of the three other passengers and of course to my cousin, but I am hurt and confused by what happened. Our family has lost others in alcohol-related accidents. Now, my cousin has caused one. I don't know what to think.

As most of my friends know, I don't drink much. I don't particularly enjoy going to bars. Both of my paternal grandfathers died as a result of alcoholism. I don't like how alcohol tastes and I am uncomfortable participating in something that has been used to marginalize and suppress Indian populations for hundreds of years. At the same time, I don't really begrudge others' rights to drink. Now, however, I am stunned again by how quickly alcohol can destroy lives. I don't really know what to think.

If it's something you do, please keep my family and the families of the other passengers in your prayers.

comments?

things that go splat in the night
Monday, July 18, 2005
04:58 p.m.

So... last night, after a long, humid, and generally physically uncomfortable day, I was lying on the couch when I felt a really disgusting slimey sensation. Something had landed on my upper arm. I reached out to flick it off and... IT JUMPED.

That's right. Ladies and gentlemen, we had a frog in the house. How did it get here? Our windows are all shut and we don't even live on the ground floor. My hypothesis is that it came up the drain. I ended up chasing it around with a glass until I trapped it, at which point I woke up Jen to figure out what to do. We ended up setting it free near our tomato plant. Weird. Frogs are nice things, but I do not want them freely roam the apartment.

So, no more frogs please!

comments?

Harry P & the The Nine Nazgul Pups
Saturday, July 16, 2005
11:35 p.m.

I am only halfheartedly into this blog. I've been doing it for over four years and it's never really had a point. I'm thinking of moving it elsewhere and starting over, with some kind of focal point other than mindless ramblings. I'm jealous of the bloggers whose stuff I read- I want to be part of their discussions beyond my comments and I don't feel I can do that with this blog. It can't have comments with any facility either.

Last night, Sara and I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at South Towne. I liked it better than the original, actually. Then, we picked up her brother, Andy (whom I had not seen since the Clinton administration. He grew. A lot.) and went off to Border's for the Harry Potter thing. Of course, we'd been there less than 5 minutes when we ran into Linda. I run into her EVERYWHERE. Later, I ran into Melissa, who graciously gave me her 40% ticket. Linda's friend gave us hers as well, so Sara, Andy, and I made out with the pre-order price despite our delinquency in making the deadline. Thanks Ida and Melissa, you saved us about $10. Nice. There were a lot of very excited kids there. There were high schoolers too, sporting t-shirts that said stuff like "Pain is Temporary: Harry is Forever," "Hagrid is my Homeboy," and "Don't Let the Muggles Get You Down." Of course, there were also tons of kids in full Hogwarts robes and one kid with face paint freckles and a badly done temporary spray dye job. We weren't there too late, but I fell asleep almost immediately upon returning home. I'm on pg. 452 now, because I am using the book as a reward for finishing increments of my boring homework.

Frida had nine babies on Thursday, my little brother's 15th birthday. Right now they are squeaking in the corner while Frida does some totally unnecessary digging on the opposite side of the tank. I'm guessing this is her seventh or eighth litter. The older pups, who are 4 weeks old now, have been moved to the smaller Pup Tank, where they are waiting out their requisite additional 4 weeks until they can be unleashed unto the world. Hillary, for some bizarre reason, thinks the newborn pups are cute. I think they are so horrific that I have to mentally block them from my mind while I eat. Furthermore, I try to stay away from my apartment so that I don't have too see the little raisins. It's already apparent who will look like Frida and who will have pink eyes. Gross!

I have the GRE in less than 2 weeks now. I need to hop to it on studying, or else reschedule. Ack.

comments?

the explosion
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
09:55 p.m.

I forgot to mention The Explosion. It was bizarre. I wasn't sure if it was a firework, though the time of year definitely supports that theory. I was sitting at Imin's desk (I still refer to the things here as Imin's... or I'll think in my head... I'm going to sleep at Imin's tonight) when the room filled with a bright light.

It was very much like lightning in its piercing brightness. I'm not sure how to describe it- it wasn't at all like a firework. I looked to my left, out the front window, and saw a ball of Very Bright, Very Piercing light. The world seemed very still at that moment, much like the split second on the log ride at Noah's Ark- when the water hangs over you like a dome just before crashing over the car. Then, the light burst outward. My first though was "oh shit, atom bomb." Then, when I was obviously still intact, I thought "very small supernova." I still have no clue what it was.

comments?

oh god, the future...
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
09:37 p.m.

Nearly all of my friends are concerned about finding work right now. I actually extended my undergrad career because class/finaid was much more appealing than the alternative of no job. I'm cheering myself up by convincing myself this means I'll have chance to raise my GPA slightly.

I've also been concerned about the way my resumé looks: all of my jobs relate to my sexuality or race except for that horrid 6 month period in MN when I worked at Borders and Walgreen's. Even my first "real" job was for HRC in 1999. I was sixteen. Mo O'Connor once did a fabulous training for housing about the politics of coming out/declaring race on your resumé. Most former employers understand having to closet your resumé (ie, LGBT Liaison becomes "Diversity Consultant" or something to that effect).

However, I'm really not that pleased with that prospect. My McNair advisor, Ben, and I are convinced that the reason 2 of us scholars were turned down for a specific job was our social justice-oriented resumés. Those jobs are fabulous assets in particular spaces, but unfortunately those spaces require at least a Master's. A Bachelor's degree alone doesn't cut it. Grad school seems like a must now.

I always planned on going to graduate school; both my parents did. However, I never planned on not being able to find a decent job in the year between my BA and graduate matriculation. My mom and I have discussed the possibility of a return home for seven to eight months.

She understands. She finished her undergrad much younger than I will and stayed with her dad until she left for Hopkins. My family will support me, though I assume my extended family will look down their noses at my apparent failure. It will be the last year before my sister leaves for the college herself, so it's an optimal time to spend with them. Of course, our house isn't that large so my sister and would technically share a room (though not practically as she lives 2 hours north at a boarding school and loathes returning home). Then there's the added thrill of living with a 15 year old boy and the world's most annoying chihuahua. Compound that with my relationship being at a stage where we aren't ready to move to another state together. I'm with Jen on that one. I moved 1 year into a relationship and it ended, stranding me in Saint Paul. I would never expect her to move.

So. Argh. I wish things were easier. Sara and I have fantasized about becoming Sleater-Kinney groupies and following them around the country. A family friend did that with the Allman Brothers. I think I'm going crazy again.

On a disconnected note: when I worked for my tribe, I was told I had to wear a bra... or else. I was seventeen at the time and going through a stage where I refused to wear bras, shaved my hair off, and listened to a lot of Bikini Kill. I ended up wearing the bra. Work was a lot more exciting than sitting around in Los Lunas, one of New Mexico's rural towns (this was pre Super WalMart).

comments?

missing Kharkov
Monday, July 4, 2005
04:21 p.m.

Ukraine. I miss it. I go through brief but intense periods where I feel extremely drawn to the country where I lived during high school.

Last night, I dreamt one of my return-to-Kharkov dreams. I have these every few months. They all feature a changed city, where I cannot find my way around. Last night, I dreamt downtown Kharkov had become countryside. I was running through the streets trying to find the Pushkinskaya Metro station so I could go to the Saltovka area to find Lena and Anna. Streets that had formerly been parallel now intersected. Furthermore, I only had American money. I kept trying to find an exchange, but they were all closed.

I've been trying to go back for years, but always had school. The two years in between I could barely keep myself fed so saving for an international trip was out of the question. Sometime in the coming year seems optimal. Of course, it costs $1,700 for a flight. If I could stay with Lena, I would have no rent expenses and could save a lot of money. I'm thinking the trip would be between 3 weeks and one month.

Amid all of this excitement, I called Lena this morning. Stupid international phone rates! The 3 hours left on my card got me all of 8 minutes. We talked and as the minutes passed, we both noticeably improved in our language skills. Russian comes back in jolts. I tried to get her e-mail, (ehhhh mayul to Lena) but our pronunciation of individual letters disconnected and when I tried to write to her, it bounced. She also seemed convinced that the end of my address was yahoo.com, no matter what I told her. ("wisc" kak wisconsin!) Oh well.

I wrote to the Russian table group here at UW to see if anyone would be willing to talk to her and get her contact info. Lena and I can communicate fine, but the taking down of exact data is still tough. Her son, my little Seryozha, is FIFTEEN. When did that happen? Yikes.

Another highlight: after googling for hours, I found a listing on a job site for ESL teachers for someone with a name close to my former English teacher, complete with photo. The woman looked very similar, only with blond hair. I e-mailed anyway. A match! My fabulous wonderful teacher, Olga, wrote back this afternoon. I am thrilled, to say the least. She lives in Canada now. Maybe she can help me plan.

How did such a grubby city worm its way into my heart? I miss it so much.

comments?

pondering marriage
Saturday, July 2, 2005
11:56 a.m.

I read a blog entry today, a top ten list of things people should know about gay families. One of them noted that we (queer folks) sometimes feel sad at weddings, not in a "we refuse to see you get married!" way, but in a "it's really hard that we can't have that too" way.

I think about my hypothetical wedding sometimes. Jen's best friend is getting married next month and it's exciting to hear about all the preparation... but hard knowing it probably won't be the same for me. Jen and I have talked about how ridiculous we think having a huge, expensive wedding is- but that would be our choice as a couple. We think having a small wedding and then taking a fabulous trip would be a good match for us. In reality, we've been together 7 months (as of today!) and weddings are just pipe dreams.

Weddings do make me slightly jealous. When Hillary sent out her invitations, I wondered- if I do that, how many family members would feel comfortable attending? How many would make up excuses about it? Would they help pay for my wedding in the same way they would for my sister's wedding? I came out when I was still in high school, so I've been living as an out queer person for more than 1/3 of my life. Still, there are times when I have a "moment" of recognition that equality doesn't exist for me. I have a lot of educational and class privilege that afford me opportunities to things like choosing to work where there are domestic partner benefits or moving to Massachusetts, which many couples and individuals don't have.

In fact, the other night when discussing potential graduate schools, Jen and I talked about the Boston area. In the days since then, I've been mulling over the fact that, yes, if we wanted to, we could go down to a courthouse in MA and get married. (If we were ready to get married, that is.)

Aside from the obvious fiscal and legal benefits of marriage, how important is it for me to have my relationship formally condoned by my family/friends? I don't have any close friends who are against queer marriage (at least not that I'm aware of), but I definitely have family that do. I am also very, very privileged to have an immediate family who really don't care that I'm gay. I know it's hard for my mom to have to defend my so-called "lifestyle" to my extended family, but ultimately, she just wants me to be happy. I'm not sure about my Beba; she's older and she uses the term "friend" to refer to Jen. I can't tell if she's supportive-but-discreet or if she is just ignoring the fact that we're a couple.

I wonder what would happen if Jen and I moved to Canada, citing political asylum on our applications? Would that count? I've thought about it a lot, but I am wary of severing my legal tie to my tribal community.

So. Tell me what you think.

comments?

the storm shall not wake thee
nor shark overtake thee
asleep in the arms of this slow swinging sea
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
11:21 p.m.

Jen took her GRE today and did excellently. I spent the three hours sitting at Half Price Books reading. That is the most uncomfortable bookstore when it comes to chairs. All they have are kitchen table chairs. We were at Borders at Monday, where I planted myself in a leather armchair and read an entire novel while Jen attacked the GRE math section.

The baby gerbils are growing exponentially. I took pictures of them Saturday and then again tonight; the difference is quite visible. Linda took me to the pet store on Monday to deposit the older litter, so I was able to move Frida, Diego, and the gerbabies into the larger cage. They keep trying to nurse from Diego, much to their chagrin. They squeak and squeak, totally not understanding why their efforts are to no avail.

This summer is incredibly low-key. George called to tell me to update my blog more frequently, but I feel like I have very little news. I didn't go to Pride in the Twin Cities this year. I'm a bit disappointed that G & R have left Minnesota since I loved visiting them and it was a great way to get back to the TC. I now possess a standing invitation to North Carolina, but that's not nearly as accessible. If I am serious about Hopkins, I could plausibly visit.

This whole picking-a-grad-school thing is really frustrating. Jen doesn't want a rural school. Fine by me. I like Boston, Seattle, and the Twin Cities. I have no real feelings about Providence or Baltimore. I'm a little unsettled at the idea of Jen and I moving somewhere as a duo. Are we at a point where that's a realistic desire? I get nervous because my move to Minnesota w/ J was so ill-fated. Things fall into place, however, and I trust that. It's important that we both choose a school based on our own individual needs, though it would be great if they clicked geographically.

I wish I could go back to New Mexico, but I can't go to grad school at UNM. Plus, the family responsibilities would be too great. I am convinced Jen would love it there, but that's because I'm nostalgic. In reality, I feel really stifled in Albuquerque. It's like one giant strip mall, repeated over and over and over. As "they" say, "Land of Enchantment? Right. Land of Entrapment."

I got a copy of the script of the play in which Jen and I are acting. (That sentence was unwieldy and totally un-GRE worthy.) Linda is playing a doctor (hah!) and the lines don't sound anything like Linda. In fact, just imagining Linda playing a Type A personality is hilarious. I am too afraid to read the rest because I am scared of what my character will be like.

Oh! In case anyone knows-- what the hell was that enormous explosion on E. Gilman on Monday night?

comments?

my baby loves me
i'm so happy
happy makes me a modern girl
Friday, June 24, 2005
04:17 p.m.

I've been really lethargic lately, likely due to the humidity and heat. I'm doing the Kaplan GRE prep course, which means I spend a few hours a day listening to cheesy lessons and taking practice tests. Oh- and let's not forget the fun "games" included on the CD-ROM.

For the past few days, I've been studying at Fair Trade. I like Fair Trade because: I used to work with the owner on the Sexual Assault Subcommittee (she let me see the shop before it was renovated- it had cowboy wallpaper in the back room), the tables are big (not like ERC), there's a much healthier amount of outlets, the drinks are good, and the desserts are excellent. Let's not forget the large, clean bathrooms. I do miss outdoor seating, but I don't dislike ERC- I'll go there if I want to sit in the sun.

I know I haven't been updating at all. There's no reason other than my laziness. Here's what I've been up to:

1. I went to Chicago and saw Sleater-Kinney with Sara last week. (Lilia said I was expressing my "inner white dyke.") I was thrilled because I got to indulge in fast food, which is strictly forbidden except on road trips. Carrie was wearing a polka-dot shirt and Janet played a harmonica. A good trip, overall. Sara and I have seen S-K together 4 times (once in Madison, once in Minneapolis, and twice in Chicago). They played 2 encores and all but 2 songs on the new album.
   
   
2. The day we left for Chicago, I had breakfast with a friend visiting from out of town. I do NOT like the potatoes at the Sunroom. They are always really hard on the outside. Their mango smoothie, however, is good, albeit expensive.
   
   
3. On that very same Thursday, Frida had four more gerblets. At 8 days old, their ears are poking out and they are crawling all over the place, much to Frida and Diego's chagrin. Two of the babies are dark, probably Diego style and not black. One is albino and the last is a golden color that might be a non-albino white one once it's older. I still have the previous litter in the 40 gallon tank because I haven't yet gotten a ride to the pet store.
   
   
4. I fixed the bug problem in the house by duct-taping shut all the screens. I also took out the enormous bag of beer bottles/cans on the balcony. Jen and I have been container gardening; this weekend we transferred about 20 basil seedlings into larger pots. I took three up to my place to join a pot of marigolds, a jalapeño plant, and my big sweet basil plant. Jen and I started growing tomatoes last weekend, adding to our herb garden, flowers, carrots, and onions. The onions actually taste like onions. Go us!
   
   
5. Jen and I are cat-sitting again, for an orange tabby with Feline Leukemia. He likes to jump on the stove while we are cooking. Even though he's a big daft, we appreciate his cuteness. Of course, his mom neglected to bring over his litterbox so I had to fashion one myself, but it's working out. I think he likes his periodic visits with us. Maya has also charged us with watching her dog during her trip home to India.
   
   
6. Speaking of Maya, she somehow convinced me and Jen to act in a play about diversity/ethics in qualitative vs. quantitative research for the national SROP conference in July. Thanks Maya! I am terrified. My only consolation is that Jen is even less enthused than I am.
   
   

since when is skepticism un-american?
Friday, May 27, 2005
01:12 p.m.

What's up in the world just now:

1. Prof. EOT liked my paper! She was impressed with my findings and gave me a great comment- that I should write more about my participants class backgrounds. Everyone will be getting a short questionnaire about that at some point during the summer. We're meeting at Borders next week. I am thrilled. I have a huge academic crush on EOT.
   
   
2. On the non-academic crush front, I had another dream about LB. I was moving out of the building and encountered her, almost kissed her, and realized she had a dog's tongue and was about to lick my face! Yuck! I ran into her last week at Caspian Café.
   
   
3. I have to take an intro level class for my second major. I know all of the material in said class, having taken all the upper level courses, but must still take it. Of course, summer tuition is expensive. Luckily, parents have offered to help, marking their first semi-major financial contribution to my degree. Thrilled!
   
   
4. Jen brought home another batch of lovely pottery in a glaze I have deemed "Underwater Seaweed." She is also sailing again and taking yoga. I feel unaccomplished.
   
   
5. I really need to start my viola lessons again. I was having trouble practicing because I am embarrassed about the horrible noises I make (which are far, far from music). However, the outlook looks good because my new neighbors work all day and down at Jen's, there is a singer who practices scales all the damn time.
   
   
6. We had dinner with Eric last night, which was grand. It's nice to see other people. We spent yesterday wandering around State Street and examining the creepy racist kids' books from the 40s at the bookstore. Of course, no day would be complete without a trip to the library, where I picked up a DVD for which I'd been on the hold list for over a year and the soundtrack to Dr. Dolittle (the original, musical version).
   
   
7. Living by the lake, the bugs have descended on both of our houses. They swarm in the paper lanterns, incinerate, and fall, burnt and stinky, onto our bodies as we sleep. Any hints! Please! Please!

Be still this old heart
Be still this old skin
Drink your last drink
Sin your last sin
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
09:45 p.m.

Not much happening in the world, but all seems to be well. Some highlights:

1. Contrary to proper belief, Prof. EOT will not be leaving the country. She has agreed to work with me for the summer on expanding and improving my thesis. Remember the rainbow interviews? Bigger. Better. Badder. I have an actual hypothesis that seems to function well. This thrills me because I had previously been convinced I'd never notice anything in my exegetical research.
   
   
2. FINALLY the new Sleater-Kinney came out today. Listening to it as we speak. Sara and I are planning our concert trip this June. We met at an S-K concert in 2000 and I haven't been to one without her. This album is fabulous. I would say it was worth the nearly 3 year wait, but that's only because the waiting is finally over.
   
   
3. I repaired my computer. The power supply died on Graduation Saturday and I had to wait for FedEx to screw up the part shipment until now. However, I successfully opened up the computer and installed it without completely electrocuting myself. There is nothing "cute" about electrocution, unless it's in the Sims2, because it looks funny.
   
   
4. Jen and I went to the Henry Vilas Zoo as part of our new "not sitting in the house all day" regime. I kept thinking of Hillary, who adores animals. As always, the seals were the cutest; the pigs the worst. I really don't care for pigs. We've also been to the boat launch, Whole Foods (to spend her $100 farewell giftcard from her boss), and out to vote.
   
   
5. Yes. We were among the only people at our polling place, numbers 58 and 59 at 2:00 in the afternoon. Referenda 2 and 3 were voted down, but Leopold Elementary School will be expanded. The paper showed a photo of the kids having their orchestra class in the cafeteria as an example of crowding: with the other referenda voted down, orchestra will be cut. Sad. My friend K suggested they cut high school orchestra over elementary since it's important to get a foundation for playing younger. Plus, WYSO is available for older kids.
   
   
6. I move into Imin's tomorrow. Bittersweet, because I cannot wait to leave Jen's, but I will miss Imin. It will be nice to no longer live out of a cardboard box and laundry basket. Plus, I can set up my Playmobil-scapes. Jen recently gave me the Panda set; I'm planning to collect the zoo sets this summer. I am Colette. I am 22 years old and I still collect American Girl and Playmobil. Thank you.
   
   
7. I got my "hairchop" today. I had an inch cut off; I've been growing it since Spring '03 (Sara bet I'd never actually grow it) and it was time for a trim. I'm probably the only one who even notices the difference. Even Jen claims not to see any change.
   
   
8. I feel like my blog needs a "plot" because it's really boring.

it won't do:
to stir a deep desire
to fan a hidden fire
that can never burn true
Monday, May 16, 2005
12:50 a.m.

So, I graduated. Rather, I performed the rite de passage of the graduation ceremony. For some reason, I did the morning ceremony, even though my majors let me do either one. (To be honest, it really didn't matter which you did because the program didn't indicate either ceremony and you just handed your little name card to the reader...) My dad and my "Uncle" Steve drove up, leaving the house at 6am. Needless to say, I was impressed.

The three of us had a great time. It was most definitely antipodal to my moms' visit 10 days earlier. Daddy, Steve, and I can laugh over social theorists, discuss "liberal" politics, and criticize religion. We went to eat after the ceremony and talked about our respective college experiences. Steve went to Princeton, a fact I never knew. My cousin J. goes there in fall, on a full scholarship. Go J!

Eileen's parents and Jen's mom both gave me generous financial gifts- totally unnecessary but much appreciated nonetheless.

Grad school swiftly approaches. If I go to an Ivy League, I'll be the fourth generation to do so. It was commented that if I were an undergrad, I'd have both Legacy and race-based Affirmative Action on my side. What lovely remarks! I will endeavor to choose the best possible educational option. I openly recognize the major privilege I have in even being able to consider such schools, but it still floors me when I flip through the prospectuses and see a $40K/ year price for tuition alone. Who cares if it's all covered by fellowships? Knowing how much your education is worth is freaky.

These are my summer goals:

• lose 15 pounds (hah!)
• read Bourdieu, de Certeau, and Levi-Strauss
• revise research paper to perfection
• get through an entire viola book
• keep Imin's apartment clean and purge my belongings of extraneous items

my favorite plum- hangs so far from me

Thursday, May 12, 2005
12:42 a.m.

The school year nearly over and my staff evaluation scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, I have some things on which to reflect. It’s been a difficult year on several fronts. I’ve confronted personal demons, reevaluated my academic pursuits, and reconfigured my social situation.

I enjoyed my job this year more than I may have let on. It frustrated me frequently because I often felt ineffective. I rarely saw tangible results to my work and I often felt disillusioned about housing’s role in residents’ lives. Still, I’ve learned a lot this year. In between the monotony of weekly e-mails and bi-weekly Safe Zones, a different part of myself emerged. I developed friendships with student and professional staff, though I am still frustrated at my student status’ impediments in creating more fulfilling relationships with professional staff. I am in an adolescent phase where I feel I deserve a greater consideration than I perceive from professional staff.

At the same time, I was forced to look closely at the type of relationships I (yes, I) built. I clearly bonded well with folks I perceived to be intelligent and social justice-oriented. However, I am not a forgiving person and blocked from my life those of whom I did not approve. In this way, I barred myself from knowing folks I appreciate only in retrospect.

Obviously, things with LB became strained after our meeting with EW in November. I understand that we needed the mediation, but I miss the ability I once had to be more candid with her. I regret that. It will take years to mend that relationship; oddly enough, I know well that I will do so. LB is a person I know I will keep in my life.

Perhaps the most difficult thing about this year has been learning that there are people I no longer want in my life. Maintaining those boundaries frustrated me at several key points during the year. LB forced me to open my heart and trust those I love; in doing so I semi-consciously shut most of my friends out as I struggled to trust one or two almost arbitrarily chosen individuals. I needed to look into myself and recognize and embrace all the things I despise in myself. Not to say that my despicable qualities should be upheld, but I needed to acknowledge their presence.

I apologize to all of you whom I stopped calling, stopped seeing, and in general pushed away. I sorely needed space to figure myself out. It’s an ongoing process and I need to continue to monitor my preference to sequester myself away from the world instead of facing it. I spend so much time in my own thoughts that I lose sight of all you have given me. I don’t want to make excuses for any of my behaviors any longer; only ask you to forgive my distance (not my actions leading up to it, however) and remember me as we all go our separate ways in life.

Congratulations to all of us who are graduating this Saturday. I have been honored to know you and love you in my own odd way.

comments?

everybody raise a glass!
raise it up the master's ass!
Sunday, May 8, 2005
11:13 p.m.

The weekend drags by. I had a final today; one I suspected would be easy but still harbored dread over. It was even easier than suspected. Choice question, "Describe the contributions of Jews to any Central or Eastern European country." The Count sent me off to find a private room; I chose a 6th floor seminar room looking off into the "forest." I'll miss him, but will be working with him the fall as I endeavor to write my Fulbright proposal.

Jen and I studied down at the pier today. The ducks were out so I threw them some snacks. Everyone seems to be asking if I'll follow her in January if she moves out of town. We'll consider it more thoroughly when the time comes, but if we are serious about each other in another seven months, it is a strong possibility. If she does go to Chicago this fall, it will only be a few months' separation and I do have the ability to read on buses. We'll see. I don't want to jinx anything, nor do I want to be presumptious about a decision I won't be making alone.

My grandmother sent me a lovely financial gift that I need to put into a certificate this week, adding my Troxell once the check comes in. It's creepy to think of walking on Saturday, especially since I have no real investment in the ceremony itself. It smacks of cultural symbolism, however, something I know is valued in terms of marking rites de passage. It's yet to be seen if my father will appear on Saturday, but it is a day when things are so busy that I will probably not have the time to really see him. Plus, one of his students is becoming a lieutenant that day so he's attending his ceremony. And, he has grading to get in the next day.

So this week, I have a paper on the mizuko due as well as one on some random topic for my critical perspectives of religion seminar. I have to critique something in some way. I'd love to write on the political symbolism in public ritual, but I'm not sure what kind of sources I'd use. Gah!

I should go procrastinate some more by cutting pictures out of magazines for my journal.

comments?

i know, i know
i'm still your love
Thursday, May 5, 2005
04:30 p.m.

This week feels really long and really short at the same time. It's Thursday? When did that happen?

My mom and my Beba were here this week; overall I'd say it went well. My mom really likes Jen, which is a good thing. My Beba didn't react negatively to her; she really likes Jen, but obviously ignored the reason she's in my life. She thinks it's nice I have such a good friend. Mama and my Beba got to meet Sue, Mercile, Maya, Laura, Sarah, Elisa, Ada, Gary, Aaron, and many other members of the faculty and staff who have been "there" for me over the past five years. We went to four different ceremonies and they took copious amounts of pictures.

The best part was yesterday's trip to the Sauk City area. One of my mom's friends, the illustrious Curt Meine, took us around in the car. We drove through the forest to Spirit Lake (otherwise known as Devil's Lake) and took photos. Onward to Curt's friend's apple orchard, where the trees were in full bloom. After that, we visited his friend Dr. Every's scrap metal wonderland, Ferry Bluff, and Otter Creek. I didn't get a thing done all day, but it was well worth it. My mom's only been up to Wisconsin twice since I graduated from high school; the other time to visit Dr. Lyall when she retired.

All these ceremonies are so anti-climatic. I won't actually be done until December, but I feel like I am, because I've given so many 2 minute speeches on my time here. I really want to return to Ukraine- I e-mailed the consulate today about visas. The process seems much more streamlined than it was seven (has it really been seven??) years ago. I also contacted Bogdan about housing and train tickets in Êèåâ and Õàðüêîâ. I want this to be a reality- I need to reclaim my experiences there and make new ones.



comments?

you come knocking on my door
pull me, pick me off the floor
Sunday, May 1, 2005
11:55 p.m.

Some nights I am wrought with self-hatred. I get frustrated by the messiness of it all- of my room, my desk, my bag, my heart, my social interactions, and my academic status. I want things to be clear and organized, but they are not. I feel overwhelmed and try to regulate by organizing my books, making my bed, or clearing papers off the floor. But the mess stands. There still little bits of paper I can't throw away but can't file properly, orange canisters of medication (reminding me that I have a horrible habit of skipping doses), and small objects like chapstick, the screwdriver, a sponge, and a plastic carton of q-tips. I hate loose ends and my life is filled with them right now.

Jen and I have settled into a delicious lull; a space where we can actually get schoolwork done around each other. We started dating 6 months ago Tuesday; it alternates from seeming like she's always been here and surprise that I have someone like her in my life. But I am still unsettled. I hate sleeping alone but I hate the constant lugging of things between my place and hers. I crave my own space and peace of mind, but I can't think or settle in my messy room. It frustrates me and I don't know how to vent that sludgy feeling.

I am angsty and adolescent because Mami and my Beba arrive tomorrow. I hadn't thought much about it beyond excitement, but I recently realized that I'm not sure if I'm out to my Beba. I mentioned the red flag thing for Wednesday (to oppose the proposed birth control ban on campus) and Mami reminded me that my Beba is strictly Catholic. Of course she is. She's my godmother. I love her, I respect our traditions, but I abjectly refuse to hide who I am. I don't want this visit to become some horrific hell of coming out. I haven't done that in years and this is really not a good week for it to be happening. I don't even want to think about the possibility that my Beba wouldn't be cool about it. It just sucks. My Beba is my mother and I don't want there to be any kind of dissonance between our values, but there might well be. Still, their plane doesn't land until 1:30. I'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm resolute, however, about not being apologist.

Life is tedious sometimes. I'm looking forward to summer, I just need to get through the next 2 weeks (with no migraines, please).

comments?

18 bars of the sonata and you were mine
this music gig doesn't pay that well but the fans are all right
Saturday, April 30, 2005
05:35 p.m.

Paper writing = extremely depressing. I've discovered quite a bit that I've deemed in need of rewriting. I had Flaggheim read over it and mentioned some exegetical evidence. He had a great idea re: Kertzer's interpretation Carnival and an informant's use of rainbow stickers. I'm inserting a new section this very hour. EOT warned that I'd find my informants' words not completely congruous with their actions and it's true. Scary, I am learning to interpret folks' use of symbols.

I'm in that bizarre space where literally everything I read seems like something I need to add to the paper. I went to Room twice this week and came home with eight books, several of which were quickly added to my Works Cited as I dug through them for information. The one reference EOT gave me is entirely tangental to what I'm writing, but I feel obligated to use it since she found it for me. Now I have to figure out how to put in a reference to the fact that Hawaiian geckos are an all-female species; evolution having rendered males completely obsolete. Interesting anecdote, but how to relate it to political symbolism?

I found out that Maya got into a PhD program in C&I. I don't know if it's my moontime, but the news made me cry big tears all over the laptop. What's that all about? There are moments when I realize how much I adore Maya and my heart seems gilded and hot. I wrote a short story once about seeing her bringing breakfast up Bascom Hill and understanding that I am loved. Another one of those confusing "crushes" I have; it's not at all sexual but it feels me with a strange happy-nervous feeling. I don't want to disappoint her, but at the same time I see that the minor things I do are so much like her. We've both got minds that are never present, always somewhere else. Jen and I looked at the Circuit Court Access System online a few nights ago; I looked up Maya and ever since have been feeling guilty for knowing such personal things about her. I once thought Maya the type of woman I'd like to be- now I realize Maya is the type of woman I am. Is she in my life so I can see myself from an etic perspective? To improve myself? I love her too much to be comfortable with such a functional conclusion.

Why do I spend so much time worrying over things like that? I should become more Levi-Straussian and see if I can find mythemes in the variegated women I admire and love.

comments?

don't you wanna feel it inside?
they say that it feels so nice
all girls should have a real man
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
07:04 p.m.

Note the time. I should be at Diana's event, but instead am being forced to writeWRITEWRITE my research paper. I told EOT I can't come to class next week because of the Chancellor's Scholars and McNair Scholars receptions, she told me no big deal, but I still have to turn in my paper. (Like, just cos you don't show up on the due date doesn't mean you get to skip the paper.) She also told us that if we want said theses back, we need to provide her with a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

The above photo is my and my friend Sara at the tail end of the Clinton administration. We spent a lovely semester attending debates, a Sleater-Kinney concert, and lounging around Witte. Memory number AB-826376: Sara is not home, but I am exhausted after my therapy and don't feel up to climbing Bascom Hill to Liz. (These are in the days when you had to pay for the campus bus. 50 cents. They say class attendance increased when they made the bus free.) Her roommate, Dwindled Tracy, was home. I just walked in, climbed into her loft, and fell asleep. Dwindled Tracy didn't care. Sara came home, I scared her.

Now, when I see my residents in Witte, I became horrified because I know the things those 18 year olds are capable of. I know, because I did them with Sara. Ask Sara about her octopus shaped vibrator sometime. She claims it was asexual in nature, but we know the truth.

I owe Sara a great debt because it was she who introduced me to the Sims. We had a house with the members of Sleater-Kinney, whom we would hook up with the Newbies.

comments?

you were my modulation
and that's what you will always be
we took e/o higher, we set e/o free
Monday, April 25, 2005
07:55 p.m.

Raining. Nothing at all like the photo on the left, which Jen took yesterday. Sunday was exciting because Jen clogged the toilet; I got to visit Imin for an interview and a plunger. I threw little rocks at her window and pretended to be in the Sound of Music.

The interviews are going well. Most of my hypotheses are being proven true which either means "great minds think alike" or "queer people are crazy." I am terrified that people won't like the paper; when I give it an conferences people will be repelled. Academia is odd like that. It can either be incredibly down or extremely homophobic. Or... it can smack the table while cackling "Colette is eating the cake every night!"

Lilia stopped by to be interviewed just before the Action Dialogues. She also needed some photos off of my computer to put on her Friendster. She seemed impressed with my ability to photoshop a bruise off her arm before posting.

The rain is lovely. Even more lovely is the fact that I will be starting a daily migraine prevention medication. Dr. A-W was fantastic. She had suggestions for improving my pain management, migraine prevention, and talking to my professors about the "yarmulke of pain." I told her my hypothesis that I am more insightful and productive after migraines. She agreed and had even read the same book (Mark Salzman's Lying Awake) about genius and migraines. She also stocked me up on crazy pain med samples, which is greatly appreciated. Oh. Best news? No brain tumor. I hadn't been dwelling on the possibility, but it was still freaking me out.

The weirdest thing I did this weekend was tip the waitress at Frida's $8 because she was hot. I'd never done anything of the sort before. Even more appalling was that she was a terrible waitress.

comments?

she didn't want to know your name
she lied to your face
you heard truth just the same
Saturday, April 23, 2005
10:01 p.m.

Springtime! That means... mangoes! I have a mango obsession. Last spring, I bought the entire mango collection at The Body Shop. I love how they smell. A few years ago, during Spring Break 2003, this creepy woman told me mangoes are the most sensual fruit and proceeded to bring me one. I was ill, declined to eat it in her company, and went on to share it with one Sarae instead. She took a most unflattering picture of me eating it.

Last night I actually *SHOCK* left the house and saw a movie. Born Into Brothels. Jen and I loved the movie poster and picked up postcards of it in New York, but had to wait until now to see it. We were unimpressed, found the narrator self-important. The kids were darling and their photos great. I liked Shanti best. We ran into Joey and Natalie afterward, then stood in the freezing cold waiting for a Safe Ride.

I think I found my first reference to my former husband, Eric, on my blog. March 2003. After Buffy, we went out to Noodles. The next week, we went to Noodles again, before a Tori show. (The one where I had a front row ticket toute seule.) Actually, speaking of that year, I saw grossHollygrossBreachgross TWICE this week while riding my bike. Some things make you lose your appetite (meaning HB, not Eric).

Ack! Freezing!

comments?

they tell you you will go far little star
how i wonder what you are, when i watch you
wearing your jewels
Friday, April 22, 2005
12:19 a.m.

I have three papers to write, which I am obviously in a state of notwriting. One for each seminar, so a) thesis on the semiotics of rainbows (hah!) b) something religious-y that should go on for 15 pages and incorporate lots of really cerebral shit (which i can bullshit in a most stellar manner if i actually sit down and do it) and c) ethnographic study on something in Japan. So, topics? Obviously the first one is on rainbows, but I still need to do my interviews. I've got the schematics laid out- Geertz, Turner, Durkheim and my new heroes, James & Kertzer. Throw in some EOT for good measure. Oy Durkheim, I love him so. The second one I have No Fucking Clue. The third one I think I will do on the insider/outsider dualism as related to abortion rituals and the purchasing of jizo. I could potentially relate that to paper B, since it is religious, but of course, it would end of ethnographic...

Jen and I had a talk last night about our respective fields. I had the horrid realization that somewhere along the line, I became an anthropologist (with a symbolic bent). Jen is apparently extremely adept at psych papers, which I've never done. I instantaneously trashed any pipe dreams of writing a book with her. Psychology? Yucked. I love my "not a science" social science and the element of creativity symbolic anthro requires.

Speaking of which, what is the symbolic meaning of my left shoe sitting on cafeteria tray (accompanied by one empty can of grape Crush)?

Odd to know how immersed I have become in theory, to the point that I am adamantly defending the theories I've been schooled in. I think this year has been formative, moreso that any other year. My parents would be proud; if I'd been a boy, I was to be named after Nietzsche. I worry about grad school- if I have a kid during, will it be named something like Emile or Mircea?

I am in a mood where I do not want human contact. I need to be sleeping by myself, in my own bed. I need to clear my head and think. I had my semester meeting with Mercile today, so much to ponder... Also ran into Seema, who gave me love for winning the Troxell... then Maya, who gave me love just for being me... and Dorothy. Love Love Loving the women who have mentored me. Here's to their love continuing to fabulous letters of rec for a Fulbright.

comments?

never seen blue
Thursday, April 21, 2005
09:05 p.m.

So, a resident asked me, "Who were the first gay people you ever met?" This is the answer.

I'd have to say my "uncles" David and Gianfranco. David, my dad, and their friend Kurt were all best friends when I was a kid. David is actually the shit because he has this extremely bougie apartment in Washington DC that served as my homebase during USSA trips. Gianfranco, his partner, lives in Florida and is Italian (obviously). David works for the Department of State and last year spent his time in Lithuania and Ethiopia.

The first lesbian I ever met was one of my dad's students, Cate. I remember him telling me she liked women; I was thoroughly shocked and terribly interested. She was part of this US/ German exchange program my dad and my "grandfather" founded. I'm actually trying to track her down to send her a grad announcement. When I was coming out, I spent time musing over telling her I'm gay, but since she lives in Münster (along with practically every other adult I looked up to as a kid), it was never plausible.

I can't remember any other queer folk, unless I'm forgetting anyone. Wait, my dad's student Peter? My dad is totally convinced my old Russian tutor, Nastia, is a big 'mo, but no one is really sure. She could just be Ukrainian, but she was wayyyy into soccer jerseys and had the dykiest haircut ever.

Now. Tell me, who were your first gay folks?

comments?

give you a complex and we'll give it a name
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
06:42 p.m.

It's hot out today. The windows in my seminar do not open and I became increasingly overheated and sleepy as the minutes ticked by. Afterward, emerging from the cave of the 5th floor exit, I felt elated just to be free from the stifling heat. I stuck a flower by my ear and clomped down the hill.

I finished my viola book this week, meaning that I'm on to these absolutely horrid études of double-stops with flats. I like the challenge. I'm past the territory of the familiar. Instead of relearning the methods drilled into me as a child, I'm moving into exciting new pieces that actually require me to spend significant amounts of time practicing. This summer I should practice at least 1 hour everyday. Hah! Just now I'm supposed to practice 1 hour and 45 minutes a week- which I of course cram into Sunday evenings and Monday mornings. The hardest thing is bizarre time and key signatures. My teacher told me that for some Saint-Saëns, you have to tune your instrument down half an octave because there are so many flats.

I am jealous of my teacher's absolutely gorgeous viola. It sounds so beautiful, especially after I play my hideous little tunes on my beginner's instrument. Excuse me, my instrument that is "forgiving of my emergent style." Does a viola count as equity? Lately all these magazine articles have been scaring me into thinking I need to buy my first home soon, but just the idea of purchasing a serviceable viola is enough to traumatize my bank account. A home? Yeah, right. Just the same, if I continue to progress musically, I may need a new instrument in a few months.

In my internet wanderings, I found this site. They're bi-racial dolls. Huh. When I see things like that I remember, oh yeah, I'm biracial. When I was a kid, I had a few dolls. I remember having a Magic Nursery doll that was labeled African American, but she had lighter skin, so I thought she was Indian. The Magic Nursery dolls came with a bib and a hat so that you didn't know until you pulled off the bib whether they were boys or girls. I had three, all girls. I don't know that they actually manufactured boy dolls, but I really wanted one.

One of my favorite, yet creepy, toys as a kid was a Kitty Surprise. This was a stuffed cat with a velcroed opening in her belly. You could open up her belly and remove her kittens. The jingle went "Surprise, Suprise! How many kittens are there inside? There could be 3! or 4! or 5!" I enjoyed removing the kittens and shoving them back in. Each tiny kitten was adorned with a pale blue or pink ribbon to indicate gender; some also came with closed eyes. My Kitty Surprise was brown- they also came in pink and purple, but I was adamantly opposed to "unnaturally colored cats." I think they also made variations with dogs and ponies. I guess my fascination with pregnancy started early.

I need to go find an authorized UPS pick-up point now. Hmm.

comments?

deep in the park where the constellations shine
Saturday, April 16, 2005
08:31 p.m.

My past two relationships have been with women who aren't out. Of course, with Jen it's different because there's no major risks to her coming out, it's more like her friends have no clue because she doesn't see them very often. Still, it can be frustrating because I'm still waiting in the background while she finds an opportunity to let them know she's a big queer. Lilia calls this trend really shady. I don't think it's shady. I came out once too, it was years ago, but I still remember it being difficult. I'm not one to begrudge everyone their right to come out to folks at their own pace, but I'm also not going to deny that it's difficult to know that your loved one's other loved ones have no idea who you or and why you sleep in her bed all the time.

I know I said I wouldn't be depressing anymore, but there are logistic problems with that. My room is depressingly messy. Cleaning it, however, is a royal pain. It's full of random junk I don't feel like I should throw away (Mac-formatted DVD-Rs, which I can't use but are worth $$). Plus, I hate cleaning when I feel gross and unshowered... but there are no clean towels. Then, there's the fact that I ordered Chinese a few days ago and my room still smells vaguely of it, even though it's long since been cleaned away. Basically, I want to go on a grand purge of the things in my room, but I can't just sweep it all into the trash because I would end up losing my tax forms, my prescriptions, and my phone bill- all things which lurk somewhere in the hideous mass of paper floating around my room. I really need to clean my room; it's the first step to cleaning my life.

A lot of the frustration in my life stems from disorder and simply being exhausted. I need to write these research papers; the end of the semester creeps ever closer. While I cannot wait to be free of the clutches of academia, I really do not know how I am going to fit all this crap into my schedule. I feel so easily overwhelmed and the level of... lack of sleep on which I am operating makes me want to throw all my syllabi and symbolic anthro books right into the recycle bin with all the aforementioned random pieces of paper cluttering my room.

Vile Negativity! Be Gone!

I have good news. I received an award from Letters & Sciences on Wednesday for being good at school and generally, a good citizen. I was interviewed by a selection committee (ew, hate that phrase, sounds really SS-like to me), pronounced to be okay, and then given this cool award. Rock. Then, this morning, I woke up for a luncheon for a second prestigious award. This one had photos, prepared speeches, impromptu speeches, and my least favorite activity EVER.... MINGLING. Suffice to say, I'm still alive, if demoralized. I doubt I'll win that award, but apparently just being finalist is pretty classy, so we're good.

I'm happy today because I found a letter in my mailbox reminding me that I'm still loved. Life isn't so bad.

comments?

don't lay down if you're gonna fall asleep
don't lay down if you're gonna lose me
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
12:10 a.m.

I should be asleep, due to early AM Tuesday seminar, but I am up waiting for my meds to kick in. I actually read all four readings for class tomorrow AND did the weekly summary. Wow. Much as I'd like to complain, I didn't really mind Mencius. I wish I knew his actual name and not the romanized version. He believed in benevolence and other-regard, very akin to Joseph Butler, whom I read during my crazy migraine of doom week. It's a good time in my life to be reading about ethics and one's place in community.

Things are improving. I visited Ben today to discuss my horrific fear of becoming an anthropologist- I'm afraid I'm not intelligent enough to think up any new theories that will awe the field. Ben says he thinks the field is stagnant and that neither of us has the type of personality to give up community organizing for pure academia. He may be right. Of course, everyone knows the truth is that I want to be a mother and little else. Still, I feel obligated to get a PhD.

Sleeping alone is a bitch. I've never been one for smushing my body up against someone's, but I've grown used to having someone asleep next to me. I startle awake and the sense of onus that settles over me immediately upon waking just reaffirms the shit place my life is in right now.

I've been visiting Laura again. She settles me, but she also tells me quite bluntly what's up. It's difficult to be humbled. I've been spending time trying to think of myself as the uncarved block. The uncarved block is the ideal, that which we are at birth, and the experiences of our lives whittle it away into nothing.

I promise not to be depressing after this entry.

comments?

all of my days and nights
are filled with nabokov smiles
Tuesday, April 5, 2005
09:08 p.m.

Nothing thrilling to report today. It was gorgeous outside, I had a killer headache (again. ugh), went to a job interview, attached a bracket to my bike, went to class, went to more class, and came home to enroll in class.

I am staying an extra semester for financial reasons and so I can finish up my 2nd major. Of course, I went to enroll in my one class (The Bible in the Middle Ages) and came back with two. Peoples and Cultures of Russia wiht The Count. Who could pass up time w/ the Count? Not me. Today he gave a slide show about Poland with a huge gob of spit on his cheek. He just announced that the final is cumulative and worth 50% of our grade.

Just so that I will remember, my staff meeting tomorrow is at my supervisor's office and NOT at Pop's. Got it. Last night we met with the rest of the D-Squad to plan our giant "Courtyard Bash." I contributed the hula-hoop contest, which I think is a must-have. I vetoed the gross housing-issue funnel cake but firmly agreed with Siavash that we should commission trophies. Ayodeji asked me if I'd like to "participate in some fun improvisational theater," to which I responded with a firm NO. My supervisor laughed. She knows me. We all know that I would never, ever in my right (or wrong) mind perform improvisational theater. Least of all on live television, even if it is just crap cable access.

Jen wins a prize for giving me chamomile tea and shortbread cookies last night. I consumed them while watching a Nazi propoganda film for class. The film totally worked- if I hadn't been so put off by all the creepy Nazi symbols, I would have put on my lederhosen right there and started pitching a tent with a lot of robust young men. Except for the whole fascist part.

Daily dose of gaylet drama: Apparently we now only roll the condom over the tip of the penis. That way, we get *hah* all the protection from STDs with the feeling of sex w/o a barrier. Joy. I also need to think of some way to get the female residents excited about barrier methods. Since I've never been excited about them, I'm at a loss. Ideas welcome.

comments?

despite all the mess and the broken glass,
i was impressed
Sunday, April 3, 2005
03:40 p.m.

I woke this... afternoon and my headache seems to have abated. My head feels strange and light, but IT DOES NOT HURT! Last night, however, was a different story. It was throbbing and horrid. When I woke up after my post-church nap, I couldn't do much but roll around on the floor like a wounded bat. Rabid. Inattentive. Definitely not engrossed in the "Five Sermons of Reverend Butler."

Luckily, MV called me at just the right moment and we talked about alternate strategies for dealing with my headache. I made myself a nest on the floor of my room and told MV I wanted her to join me on the Trans-Siberian Railway. (This has been one of my lifelong travel dreams, ever since a gift of "Folktales of the Amur" when I was about 8.) Our geographic locations for the next year or so are up in the air; I am sad because I thought they'd coincide at some point. Eventually her phone died and I went back to potato bugging on the floor.

Shit got worse, a lot worse, around 2. Lilia came over and rubbed my back until I called my mom to ask if she thought I ought to go to the ER. We ended up talking about the pope; when I hung up, Lilia was asleep in my bed, smooshed against the wall. I headed back to my floor-nest, where I woke up around 2pm this afternoon.

I feel poorly about talking vague smack about the woman. We still have all of our issues and likely always will, but she's still generally there for me when I need her. We had a conversation last night where she told me she felt frustrated at times because I get to "draw the line" of what our relationship means. That threw me, because I always thought it was her who got to be in control. Something to ponder. I don't want her to serve a crisis response function, arriving when I'm having an emotional breakdown/ migraine/ political crisis, but I also have an extremely difficult time dealing with her on a more frequent basis because of how she treats me. (Run on sentence...) Knowing Lilia, I won't be seeing anything of her for a few more months, when drama inevitably peaks again.

On a much less melodramatic note, I found a sublet for the summer. A perfect sublet. Now I just have to figure out how to transport all of these books!

comments?

i think i smell a rat
Saturday, April 2, 2005
10:16 p.m.

Times in my life when I have seen rats:

• twice in the New York City subway with Jen
• walking downtown in Minneapolis on Thanksgiving
• in pet stores. doesn't count
• chillin' like villains on the streets in Ukraine.

i don't think i fit into his indie world
Saturday, April 2, 2005
09:51 p.m.

I am Chancellor's Scholar. This is generally a good thing because my school books and my tuition are free. Then, there are the things that could be construed as "work." We have monthly meetings- technically not that bad. We go over "business" and a faculty member gives a "fireside chat" about some topic. We have class meetings; these are the annoying ones. We have to plan socials, community service, and tutoring for the scholars younger than ourselves. This not that bad either, as it's pretty non-toxic in exchange for the return. But then. There is the Singing.

We have to learn to sing "Go Down Moses" and perform it in 2 weeks. This I am not excited about. The coordinator e-mailed us the file, to which I have listened repeatedly. Now, I know already that I can't sing, let alone like the guy does in the song. The main refrain is "Let my people gooooooooo!" which I know I will be feeling wholeheartedly in the 4 rehearsals before our performance. Huh. Why did I take time off and come back when such things are required of scholars? Wendee Gardner probably never did anything so undignified. WG is one of individuals I most admire. She is calm, collected, and articulate. 'Nough said.

On the headache front, things are slightly improved. My head still hurts, but it's bearable. During mass today, I became so nauseated that I left before communion. I've never left mass early in my life. I have my Imitrex, but masochism combined with lack of funds means that I am saving that pill for when I really, really need it. Dr. G told me I can drink caffeine to constrict the blood vessels in my head, which reduces pain. Of course, this means I've been drinking an inordinate amount of Code Red.

I'm not usually "allowed" to drink caffeine because I have ADHD, take Ritalin, and tend to get "jacked up" when I have the drug. So, for the past 3 three days, I've been in pain, extremely agitated and jumpy, and in a state of emotional rollercoasteryness. Fun. I did a Safe Zone yesterday, running entirely on adrenaline. Disturbingly enough, I think it was my most successful yet.

George and Renée are moving to the EastCoast. I don't see them often, just holidays (at Thanksgiving, we saw a rat on the way to see The Incredibles), but I don't want them to go. I need to call George to talk, but I don't have my cell phone charger. Heh. George is good for telling secrets and dispelling the myths surrounding French philosophers. Oh- and for going to see movies and bumming around the Cities. Feh. I don't want to have to travel back to my birthplace just to see my Role Model Couple.

The Pope died this morning. (Hence my Saturday mass semi-attendance...) I never though much of the Papacy, but I must admit I'm upset. He's like a distant relative whom you feel obligated to love out of office, but do so wholeheartedly regardless. We didn't share many political views, but there were things about him I loved. He grew up with Jewish children and as such, never held the anti-Semitic views so often characteristic of the Church. He was the man who taught me the word "justice." Ta'Ta has a bumper sticker on his truck reading "If you want peace, work for justice."

May God bless you, Father.

comments?

Tevye, that's your headache too!
Saturday, April 2, 2005
10:46 a.m.

Waking up in my own bed throws me. There's roughly a minute-long adjustment period where I listen to the cars on university and wonder where I am. This morning, after extracting myself from the treacherous hold of brown blankie, I tiptoed over to the computer to check on the pope.

The pope is dying. While I've never particularly cared that much for him, he's the only pope I've ever known. I've grown up with photos of him around and one of his quotes as a bumper sticker on my Ta'Ta's car was one of my earliest exposures to social justice issues. The Pope and I agree on next to nothing politically; it's as though he is an elderly family member whom I love out of obligation, though the reason for that love doesn't mar it. I don't want him to die. He's familiar. I know what to expect from our pope. Knowing the trends of the world, the next one will be radically conservative.

John Paul II always defended Jews. As a child in Poland, they were his neighbors. During the shoah, he was rightfully appalled and despite the anti-Semitism of the Catholic Church in Poland, always stood up for Jews. I admire that. I've also learned that during his reign, the nurses of the Basilicia hospital have performed abortions. Who knew? I am praying for our Pope, however irrational that is. One of think the Pope would get a gree pass into heaven.

My head is still pulsating, though somewhat less painfully that last night. I had to go back to UHS yesterday for another injection, resulting in another 4 hours of sleep in their "lie down" room. This time, I had a shot of Imitrex, which burned like a bitch going in. I had the Nice Nurse at the beginning of the visit, but Mean Nurse at the end. Mean Nurse locked me into my bed by rasing the bars on both sides and clicking the lock on. At one point in my delirium, I attempted to climb of of bed to use the restroom and was cruelly prevented by the confining bars. Grrr.

Now I am keeping a headache diary, which includes keeping track of everything I eat. I can already tell this will have a positive effect on my diet. Writing down what one consumes is a bit disturbing. (Though I can have as much caffeine as I want during an actual migraine, which is fun because it is normally forbidden me.) I got a script for Imitrex but have an evaluation with a neurologist and the headache doctor coming up. Dr. G told me to "reduce stress." Thanks. When doctors say that, what exactly do they want you to do?

The whole "taking a drug-induced nap at UHS for 4 hours" routine is actually rather pleasant. I feel much better when I wake up. I'm very optimistic that the Headache from Hell will disappear, despite its return around 8:00 both nights. Last night, I went to a movie with Jen and some residents. That was okay because although the movie was bright, the room was dark and I ended up "watching" it with my eyes closed most of the time. I had two cups of Mountain Dew for the pain and was subsequently Jacked Up with I got home.

The housefellows can attest to that. They stopped by to check on my during the last leg of rounds. I gleefully smacked D over the head with my stuffed rabbit, Chicken.

I got The Call from Lilia sometime after midnight. She has the uncanny ability to call whenever Something Is Up. Lilia and I largely live our lives separately, like comets on different orbitals. Then, whenever there is any sort of cataclysmic happening in my life, the Lilia comet swings back around into my view. Very faultily-crafted similie. Blame it on the migraine. To whatever end, Lilia knows how to smell drama.

Wunk Sheek pow wow today, but I think I will skip it. I think I can handle the drums, but I am intimidated by the fluorescent lights. Right now, I am having an strange fantasy of being Giles Corey, being pressed for alleged witchcraft. It sounds like it'd be very therapeutic- the pressure on my head. Mmm. I think that means it's time to lie down again.

comments?

wonder of wonders/ miracle of miracles
Thursday, March 31, 2005
03:29 p.m.

This morning, I woke up because my head was throbbing at a level which I can't properly describe verbally. After stumbling around the bathroom and eventually lying next to the toilet, I headed out to UHS to see my darling Dr. Addington-White. I ended up getting a shot in my ass and sleeping on a paper-covered exam table for four hours. I get to have my brain photographed and learned that I'm not pregnant.

Despite my childhoood (okay, and adolescent...) propensity toward peeing, I can never do it on command for those little clean-capture sample cups. I get pee-shy and end up sitting in thelittle clinic bathroom until the nurse gets worried and asks me if I need "help." What kind of help does she mean anyway? I'm going to pee or not pee, but I'm not sure what the nurse can do to facilitate that process (especially since I couldn't keep any liquids down anyway).

My head still hurts, but now that I've had my butt-shot, there's not much else I could do at UHS, so I came back to CRC. I had to see Jim about graduating. I want to stay at UW longer than this spring so I can work on my godforsaken research and take one more class, but I also want to go to the ceremony (hah) this spring to appease my family. My family has a habit of frequently reproducing, so I have a massive amount of those fancy grad. announcements to send. Whose idea was it to make it proper etiquette to hand address those?

Springtime is always emotionally turbulent for me. My mom says it's because I was born on a full moon; hence I am crazy and have difficulty at transitional periods of the year. Right. Wisconsin season-changes are not that bad. In New Mexico, we have these "loco winds" that blow and blow and blow, driving everyone crazy and filling your eyes/hair/clothes/everything with the very fine grit of desert-cum-urban sand. There are huge sandstorms through which J and I would sit out in gas station parking lots in her Honda.

I miss that Honda. It was a hatchback, which J extolled frequently, though I am still not sure what about hatchbacks is so fabulous. Our trunk was always full of kitten supplies, paper bags from Wendy's or Frontier (our places of employ), and empty Turkish Gold packets. Midway through Summer 2001, the radio died. No longer could we clunk down Coors and Montaño singing along to crap NM radio. We resorted to making up our own songs, generally about our cats. In retrospect, it was a good relationship builder because we quickly learned not to be embarassed singing about how cute Lola/Greta/Jonah's ears/tail/paws were. When we moved to Minnesota, the long-since immobilized car found its way to the family graveyard of cars- the driveway at General Bradley. My grandmother owns a home on General Bradley, up by Wyoming and Montgomery, in which pretty much every single family member has lived at one point or another. My aunt R and her kids live there now, along with the carcasses of our vehicles.

So, now J and I are just a series of images in my nostalgic daydreams. It's odd that, how relationships, once over, become characterized as positive or negative and all of one's memories take on that light. D? Solid negative, despite months of 16 year-old epistles detailing wedding and honeymoon plans to backpack in the Himalaya. S? Worse. I can't think of anything redeeming about those few months except the fully-illustrated Christmas card we sent to Sleater-Kinney. Months after she left me, I heard she'd hooked up with a guy at a party based purely on their mutual love of Passions. F? I love her whole-heartedly. My ex L is deliciously fun to hate, except when she actually shows up in my life and wreaks havoc. I think that's it. Am I forgetting anyone? Ah yes- Hugh Christie, with whom I "went out" for about 2 weeks in 1993. He was okay. Later on we were in "Aesop's Falables" together. I was Baby Mouse and he was Wolf.

I will get around to re-templating at some point. Right now I need to go burrow into bed and contemplate the horrors in my head just now.

comments?