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My Life, Love, Dreams and Hopes!
Darn weather - Damn Aussies
The weather today was scorching hot. Always wanted to stay in a cold weathered country.. Australia will be fine if they are so rascist. Racial discrimination.. As if they Aussies are first class.. Must I remind them that though our forefathers are labourers and workers, poor and dirty but at least we have our dignity. Australian's? Go check out the history books man, your forefather's are labourers alright - labourers from the PRISON. Your forefathers are CRIMINALS!!! so what have you got to discrimnate against others? You guys are decendents of CRIMINALS!!! What humiliation! Today's MRT was as usual.. F***ing crowded somehow the train was slower today.. I find myself on time only. Well.. The norm is that I will arrive much earlier. Ain't in a very good mood today.. Slogging in office like a dog. Oh.. My current aim? To go on a DIET!! Self Improvement perhaps? Had this spamming thing going on in office. Poems running all around. Crappy!~ Anyway my sis e-mailed me this webbie FUN! Try it.. though the only person I know who will read this blog is MEIYI. wahhaha. try it then! http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/1986/youarewhatyoueat.swf
Mine turn out like that. "You are a sensitive person and often find yourself daydreaming about your past and future. You are quite conservative and the values that your parents and teachers instilled in you still play an important part in your decision making.
You're very careful and circumspect in all matters but you won't face any problems until they actually happen. Also you're a kind and sensitive person.
You think positively about the people around you and are never prejudiced. This means others see you as a kind and gentle person. They enjoy listening to what you have to say because they respect you.
You are logical, smart and inventive. Sometimes you are too cold and selfish."
Whatever... Will bog again later ya..
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
12:02 p.m.
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Before a new day starts, let me blog... What did I do? Showed a bit of magic trick today to my fellow collegue to intrigue them.. wahaha. I just love it. Oh ya. After work I actually went to Cuppage Terrace and its all torn down.. The landlord is refurnishing the place to a new foodcourt. The old atmosphere was more of a sophisticated and classy place. Oh well... Another change in life, like the many that is beyond our control and we've lernt to accept it.. Suppose to book Meiyi's return ticket.. it will burn a big hole in my pocket. Meiyi, you owe me one ok! BIG TIME! Will be going down to get it. Anyway I decided to take 190 from Orchard to head to CCK again. Stupid idea, 190 jam like almost 3/4 of the way. Squeezed my biiger than life self with the rest of the tuna to get like into the middle of the long bus. Settled next to this weird "JAP" wannabe girl. The interesting thing was she spoke fluent English and not the b-r-o-k-e-n kind like that Ah lians do. Not bad looking but her dressing was weird. Her socks were like knee high and and blouse was like my house rag. Many times I almost fell on the bus.. duh! I was sleeping what! Kinda quarrelled with Angel at the foodcourt over some stupid air ticket thingy.. Yup. And so.. I went home without sending her home .. She stays like so darn far from the place I call home. Oh ya.. I was just thinking of my wish list. Perhaps turn this blog to a professional one.. Once I get my camera.. Wee!! I'll load lots of picture to explain my blog. FUN! So much I ever wanted in life. When will it be.. Searching for a path in life.. can't seem to find one. My torchlight has failed me and the darkness and fallen.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
11:59 p.m.
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"I don't wanna run away but I can't take it I don't understand. If you were not meant for me then why does my heart tell me that I am?" === Finally ended the 18 hrs Adobe Photoshop for lamers... Now, I'm a certified Photoshopper.. *just a minute* If a person who write is a writer, a person who runs a runner and a person who sings a singer. Then wouldn't a person who draws a drawer? A person who sleeps = a sleeper? lame! Ended my photoshop and headed CCK Lot 1 to meet Angel. The girl I have finally chose. Arrived 15 minutes early and I proceeded to the 3rd level to wait for her.. perhaps admire her from afar. There she was at the Infomation Counter on the 2nd level. It was a while before she noticed my presence. We went to the "endangered" National Library for Dinner. Its days was numbered before it will ahve to make way for roads and new buildings. I was sick and (that doesn't make you any chinese just because I am "sikh'). I felt like a drug addict because I had received the cold "turkey" treatment from her. And there I was a slave in her eyes and the hurt and pain that was stirred in my heart was extreme and yet worse I couldn't blame anyone 'cause yes I was the one who hurt her deeply. I couldn't stand being with her yesterday, I felt like a fool, an ignored presence. I wasn't suppose to be there in her sight. She wasn't the angel I knew from the start and I guess to her I ain't the Stanley she knew anymore too. She was uncaring and unthoughtful.. the trust that she had for me was no longer there. I can feel that distance and yes perhaps the biggest distance that I can ever experience is having yourself standing next to the one you love and not being able to ever enter into her life again. Disappointed with myself and yes regretted my mistakes. I so wanted to get back with Angel but it was me who changed her to someone I am so hurt with. Life is just making fun of me.. To be with the girl I love and change her so that our love wouldn't last? And yes I did lie to Felicia that I was alone but it was true that I was doing a lot of pondering. Angel messaged me and questioned my sincerity and that tore me into pieces and I realised that yes I do love her but nor the present Angel. That was the reason why we broke. We had expected too much from each other and often quarrelled. We no longer understand each other. Even at 4 am she called and expected me to talk to her. I was do groggy. I said I would reply her in the morning but she asked me in the morning why I didn't call.. She was plain unreasonable even yesterday. I'm lost. Lost as to why did things turn out like that. Will I ever love Angel as I loved her before and will she be what she was before. Can we start from scratch. And yesterday was the most coincidetaly day of my life. Approaching CCk I saw who I thought was Debby (my first "primary school girlfriend") ok.. anyway she was the only gf I had who I never talk to since we broke off. That was like 7 years back? haha. Met Salan, Felicia's squad leader at Cineleisure.. Ok. As I was going home, I met Hui Hua. This girl I never really know Met her like 4 to 5 times in 6 months. Every time I saw her she was always with a different guy. At CCK, at Cineleisure , at Sentosa and even on the MRT!!! What a slut! Tropical, typical slut! She looks so decent and boy why the F*** was I fated to meet her so many times? Singapore isn't exactly very small and MRT has like hundreds of trains and every trains had like 10 carriages and there are like so many minutes in an hour and out of it all I had to sit in the carriage where she was lying next to her "guy". Fine! Guess the guy deserved it lah. He looked like those who have no aims in life and has his ears pierced. Did I ever mention I have something against those who have their ears pierced? Either they are gay, have no aims in their gender or a loser who needs to seek for attention. Man! Get a live! Go pierce.. Whatever why must I even care.. HOLE here, HOLE there. How "holy" =p And now I am back in my office as an police officer... catching thieves? I wished! Boy will those with holes and ugly face. Watch out.. Bad boys out there... I'm coming after you.. hahaha. Ok back to work and stop worrying about the matters of the heart. Let my heart handle them and my brain can get to do my work.. LAME! till tomorrow, I'm Stanley. Plutonian blogger,Singapore.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
01:38 p.m.
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Ok.Here I am at the Adobe photoshop class.. *boring* how cheapo and lame can it get? Editing movie posters like the one edited from spiderman and putting Willam Hung;s face on it.. the last samurai too... wonder if it means sometime like The last american idiot.. ok.. I'm mean I know (but in terms of mathematics, it makes me just an average). *evil grinz* yet honestly not being hippocrit, I honestly think he is worth the publicity because of the courage he possesses, either that or its just mere stupidity. Why am I talking about him?? Gee.. Edited myself and placed myslf next to Keanu Reeves'- the matrix poster. got bored and so here I am. wahahaha. Did I mention that I slept only at 4 in the morning? Was thinking of my relationship problems.. Darn! messaged angel till 4.. Well was talking to my confidante too.. its been a long time Joey! My fellow brother? Wish you all the best with Pilar. Man!.. called angel in the morning and we chatted for a while. Met my Secondary School Pal on the MRT and did a little catching up when she called again.. Asking where I was and I said I was at Clementi.. and She at Dover just a stop away.. Out train was to pass by each other and when it did, she messaged me: "Our train has just passed us by, just like our love" Is it truly over? I called her and I know she still loves me but I know she will never trust me again or there's just too many doubts on her mind. I understand. Well.. it hurts but I can't do much. Rushed to my course and luckily I wasn't the latest.. haha. OK.. It break now. GTG.. will blog again later I guess.. If not.. Then Good morning, Good afternoon and Good night! Sayonara!
Monday, March 29, 2004
10:30 a.m.
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Night has fallen and yesh driving was bad... must I repeat that? Slept the rest of the morning away.. Wasted few hours of my life to lalaland. Lunch was with Christine Chua and family (my sister lah). After those little family gathering and catching up, my Dad and I went bowling with April. OK. Here's the thing.. Bowling is one of my favourtie sport but I did some stupid Chin-Ups yesterday and had strain my forearm. And so I had a perfect game of "long gang" (drain) at Chevrons. How embarassing!!! Ok. Dinner was at King's hotel.. some Penang Buffet.. Not bad.. Oh and there was this girl who kept staring at me.. Stare what Stare 0_0! Never see guys b4? Maybe she's interested wif moi!!! wahahaha. How egoistic can I get but hey I never said I was not! My egoism is written on my friendster. In case you never knew? My name is Stanley Chua. Go search and ya sad to know that I ain't the only Stanley Chua around. How UNCOOL! Gotta change my name to say.. Jerkson Chua and maybe I'll be only one... *sigh* After dinner was home and watched Evelyn and Darren Wedding. So sweet! I wonder if Darren's tears were real.. I can feel his sincerity but hey.. they are both actors and actresses and were their show just for media publicity.
Too sad to continue! END! (talking to angel)
Sunday, March 28, 2004
09:44 p.m.
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Slug myself outta bed yesterday to go to work! TA MA DE.. haha. Was there to cover my over-study, he obviously is in ORD mood already. Yeah yeah, the national service thingy. How patriotic those it get? It seems to me like everyone just can't wait to get out of NS. Gee! I love my life in NS, honestly! As a police inspector, it is a thrill of a lfietime. Learn things some people will never know in their life. As the day goes.. office trash trash and more trash.. Ok then the day in office ended at 1pm sharp. Where do I go? Well my collegues asked me if I wanna go see Xiaxue.. XiaXue??? WTF! Who wanna go idolise her? You really think she is that cool? K maybe a bit of creativity and thats it. There is a thin line between being cool and acting as one. She is the actress! And the Emmys for Best Actress (you know go to who this year). So why is my over-study going gaga over her? Beats me! Blind perhaps? mesmerised? Whatever... Bet her votes came from desperados.. Well, If she were to reveal a bit more flesh, be more stingy on her clothes. Ya, Bet she'll win the competition at http://www.dreamd8.com. Best of luck! Anyway I said no 'cause I was suppose to meet this girl. I don't even know what I am to her. A friend? Lover? Boyfriend? None! What a loser! Anyway she just finished her camp at JJC! Wow how exciting... Bring me back the memories of CJC when I was in council, Vice-President. And so I decided to go Jurong Point to renew my bank book.. Shows how often I withdraw from my bank.. What a spendthift. Ok.. as expected where else can JJCians go? Jurong Point of course.. She said hey busy with her friends over lunch and left me hanging in the air.. so the appointment was supposed to be at 3... then it postponed to 4 and what not? Even at 4 she didn't call.. I was again left like fool... What the Hell! I'm no desperado and my heart isn't made of cement or anything of such density.. yet it sank like the Titanic.. Hate that feeling! She started being sulky, moodswinging and stuff... When I'm supposed to be the one who is down! DAMn! That kept me so hurt, not just because the girl of my dream now has hurt me by being so unreasonable (because I seriously felt that I did nothing wrong and wasn't at all posessive or such) I actually told her that if she couldn't meet me tell me so.. I wouldn't mind but then that will go to show how she'll prioritise me. Fine! Then she started ignoring my calls and rejecting them! Hey I'm not a desperado. Fine!Still I waited like a fool. A easy 20 min ride from Jurong point to my place took forever! I was thiking to myself was I blind? Why did I chose her? She's attached and being able to reject the one that she loves just goes to she SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU att all FOOL! Anyway she said she was "like that one" if she's pissed she'll reject the call... oh.. Guess wat! ME TOO! I switch my damn HP off. How childish! She finally smiled and guess she was too tired. But there lying in my heart was a torn, a wound inflicted by her long ago.. Its getting infected again. I took off the bandage that wrapped around it so well.. the comfort and warmth that first aid can do to my heart. How coincidental that Angel is a First-Aider! There she is, sacrifising for me and yet still loving me so much and I gave her away.. It was Fel but I had to agree without Fel I would be with Angel. She couldn;t get together towards the end of our relationship, threatening to break-up you know how guys hate that threatening shit. Its not like they don't ever care but they think that you girls are taking the relationship too lightly. Thats the last thing that should ever come out from those lips. I thought to myself! What have I done. The logical me has spoken that Angel is the one I'm comfortable with and can easily live with for my life.. the emotional Stanley goes... But if you let Fel go. you will never know what my life would be holding her close to me. I'm a JERK! JERK! JERK! never thought I'll be labelled like those bastards! *hai* I'm lost! Guess I can't be with Fel.. though she claims she wanna be with me and stuff but the truth is my girl, you are still with your bf and still kinda love him though you always say DUNNO! OK! Now for the topic today - DRIVING! Woke up early in the morning at 7 just to rush to learn at 0730 hrs. *yikes* boy do my driving sucks. Clutch, accelerator.. I was driving like a spastic child! Good Gracious! My car jerked Just like me), stalled and what not. Boy oh boy! I suck! And today what kept bothering me and was angel msged me- the words of "You liar, you jerk, you stranger,I haven't got a goodnite for a very long time, my heart is pierced..." I'm truly sorry angel. I really never meant to hurt you. I can't bring myself to be with you again 'cause I;ve hurt you too deeply. I'm in a nowhere road. My life with Fel is so so UNCERTAIN. Hate it. I prefer the steady and comforting life with angel. What haf I done to myself?
"Runaway train is never going back, wrong way on a one way track. Seems like I should be getting somewhere, somehow I neither here noe there... It seems no one can help me now, I'm in too deep there's no way out. This time I have really led myself ASTRAY!"
-Runaway train-
Sunday, March 28, 2004
09:35 a.m.
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Alright!! Gotta wake up at 8am today.. Still half dead in the morning. *sigh* Can't bear with the morning madness.. goodness everyone squeezes into the MRT (mass rapid transit) like sardines.. Man! I was there and wondering if the females are so much into quality then why is the majority of the seats still given to them (excluding the pregnant and aged). We men are just still too kind-hearted... gentlemanly. My ass! Sight a sexy lady from far and men all turn so colourful (pervertic in chinese). Anyway, the second day in this Adobe Course was much more fulfilling. As usual, my senior and I laughed till our faces creased! We were distorting faces of the people we know... Boy was it fun! hahaha. Is loneliness that hard to bare? Find myself kinda friendless.. Ended at 4pm today and had nothing to do. Went home and Zzzzz. But hey, I was cheered up when I received a call from a close friend in distant land - Perth. Had to much to talk about. Well actually she was my girlfriend once upon a time. So Joey, all the best yah.. Will try to book the air tickets for ya! I am left today still as lost and confused as I was. I never meant to hurt angel.. Angel I'm truly sorry. My birthday gift to you this year is definitely not meant to be my goodbye but I can hurt you no longer. I'm such a jerk. Can't believe I am a Jerk! Tell me what is love and how can love be true? What I once thought was so true was ruined by me. I have destroyed what I believed in and dreamt of.. In fact, perhaps I can't even trust myself cause I've hurt someone so dear. She thinks I don't even care.. But what right have I? Lost is my heart and vexed is my feelings. END
Friday, March 26, 2004
10:13 p.m.
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Today, March 25 (Thursday) 2004. Where did I go? Went for some stupid Adobe Photoshop Elementary. OMG. Who will ever need Elementary Lessons.. Its all so self explanatory.. Click and try who says only love can say try again and walk away? At most damage the damn computer.. And boy does it take a "genius" to accomplish such a mission. Anyway.. I had to start printing money for lunch. WTF! It rained during noon and guess what? We were stuck at International Building. The food business there is really thriving.. they take the working class people like carrot head and chop them off like nobody's business. EXPENSIVE was the word. Anyway, lessons was like surfing the net discreetly, updating friendster, playing gunbound. Crap man. Anyway, I was sitting beside this senior, boy was he damn funny. only 10cm apart and we were using MSN to message each other. How spastic. Took his picture edited it and guess wat? He looked like a Coo Coo Bird. Just pray that tomorrow lessons will be more enriching.
Met Angel, my ex-girlfriend for dinner. Ok did I mention I was on a cost saving programme this month? Dinner was not cheap either man. It was at this Thai-Chinese restaurant. Went home alone, then this stupid idea to message my previous ex girlfriend Fel to tell her that I miss her as she was in an Orientation Camp and boy did it turn humourously disasterous for me. Funny how I didn't laugh at all but instead had a HEAVY heart throughout 'cause I sent out the msg to Angel instead. Boy did she had a temper fiercer than a lioness. I was devoured and vanished into eternity. Looking for some comfort somewhere but no one to turn to. All angel could do is add fuel to fire.. I let her down and she had to bomb me with her sarcasm. I'm truly in a fix. Was I true to her? I was, but no longer am. I do still have feelings for her but someone has entered my realm of love. Angel HATES me now. I thought I could end of as friends with her. She was a great and dedicated girlfriend. I realy really let her down. I'm a JERK?? And I thought I hated jerks and never dream I was eligible to be one of them. Trust me, it doesn;t feel good at all. Blame it all on Cupid and perhaps I'll feel better. Period. Dead meat. Checkmate for good or wat?
Till tomorrow comes, may my heavy heart lighten up.
"Very often, the bridge within despair and hope is but a good night's sleep" - Anonymous.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
10:28 p.m.
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