Sunday, February 9, 2003/11:43 p.m.

"Ask and keep on asking, and it shall be given you; seek and keep on seeking, and you shall find; knock and keep on knocking, and the door shall be opened to you" Luke 11:9

even the bible says to keep being persistant in finding God.. but im at a point where im a little tired of trying...

Sunday, February 9, 2003/12:29 a.m.

spent the day at jamie's.. music band stuff.. :) fun.

ate soup tulang later at the hawker centre.. jalan besar deen stall has the best tulang.. then me, ros and lokman made our way home.. sleepy me..

changed the link of my PICTURES link up there to an old pictures page i have stashed somewhere.. go click on pictures and see.. P.S. those are not some of my good-looking photos.. muahahahah...

Thursday, February 6, 2003/04:18 p.m.

ive been stabbed in the stomach every 5 - 10 mins since i woke up. its a real acute pain in the stomach that comes real sudden, hurts like FUCK, then after agonizing minutes.. goes away. its a nice form of torture. damn.. right when i typed torture, it came again. fuck.. i need medical attention.

anyway.. i just passed my course two days ago. ive got erm 80.6 points for my performance. they say thats a grade A and that im the 2nd best trainee. fuck.. that means im the biggest loser. heh. another great thing is.. i was one of the 4 chosen to become an instructor of the course in sembawang camp. HOWEVER, due to manpower shortages, there will no longer be a Platoon 3, therefore no Platoon 3 instructors.. therefore.. after all the effort.. i wont be an instructor. sigh.. argh.. the pain just came again. pretty shitty day, gotta say. ah.. i need to rest.. mebbe post something again later..

Monday, February 3, 2003/12 p.m.

i finally found my bandmates' blog addresses. damn. mr_wangkc.pitas.com revmazza.pitas.com merfinism.blogspot.com yeah..

so many things have happened i dont feel like writing it all down.. ill try to type in as much as i can cuz i wanna read back on all that has happened some dae..

cori flew off to australia yesterdae.. met up with sofi, farah, sofi's gf.. (forgot her name), tat and darren to send her off.. ros and lokman followed too .. though they nicknamed themselves random people one and two.. haha.. also the first time i took a train to the airport and ive gotta say its BEAUTIFUL. the airport station is like DAMN! and so is the Expo station.

coyote ugly is on tv behind me.. its freakin distracting... ok im back.. heh.. went to satisfy my erm curiousity. hahaha.. singaporean bar-top girls PALE in comparison.. and damn the coyote ugly girls are good.

got camp early tmr.. gotta go sleep. i just know ill be late. heh. and i havent had my hair cut yet. hope i dont get F**Ked..

Sunday, February 2, 2003/02:32 a.m.

would you be my angel?
i know ive been pretty bad
but couldnt you give me just one chance to change and be good again?

im sorry i dropped out of high school
im sorry i did drugs
im sorry i did all of those things that had made you cry

no wait..please dont hang up,
oh please hear me out.
cuz i just want to say its true
i didnt know what love is
till i loved you.

you were the one
keeping me glued together
i would have burst out at the seams long before if it wasnt for you

i am but dirt
and you're the lovely petals
of all the pretty, pretty flowers strewn round and round

- written this morning

Sunday, February 2, 2003/02:31 a.m.

"San Dimas High School Football Rules" - The Ataris

Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland,
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line.
I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.

We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two.
Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you.
Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss
Or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist...

These are the things that make me free
I feel like I'm stuck in "stand by me"
This night was too good to be true.

Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me,
I wanted us to be something that we'd probably never be.
Today you called me up and said you'd see me at our show,
But now I'm stuck debating if I even wanna go.

Whitney, don't you understand that what I say is true?
I just want you to know I have a major crush on you.
I'd drive you to Las Vegas and do the things you wanna do
I'd even have Wayne Newton dedicate a song to you.

I only wish that this could be
Just dump your boyfriend and go out with me
I swear I'd treat you like a queen.

Sunday, January 26, 2003/12:29 a.m.

havent been online so long.. my graphic web account got terminated.. sigh.. dont know where to start blogging..

marchtwelve has disbanded. thats pretty bad news. sigh.. im currently attached to a camp in lim chu kang.. spent the whole of last night awake in the middle of the graveyard there.. no kidding. went out with the sailors today.. had dinner at B Boss.. then went down to a jazz bar in raffles hotel to chill.

the performance at JJC is brough forward to March 15. not Feb 15. if u guys go down there on Feb 15, you guys can join the marathon run they'll be having on that day.

ive been shortlisted and interviewed to be an instructor at STTS, supply transport training school.. if i dont get instructorship, ill stay in the lim chu kang camp. will find out in a week or two.

what else is there to say except.. im a fool.

sigh.

Monday, January 13, 2003/09:56 p.m.

i again notice the way i write my entries. i always blog in phrases.. and sometimes they're disjointed.. like this sentence for example.. its not a complete sentence but more of phrases strung together. see.. they're my thoughts fleeting around as i try to recall my going-ons. i myself sometimes go "what the f*** am i saying?" when i read my entries so.. ive got to apologize to you for giving you a headache.. this is the way i am.. my thoughts fleet. many words wanna torrent out at the same time. so bear with me :)

Monday, January 13, 2003/09:32 p.m.

jammed with ros and lokman on saturdae. pretty good set. wasnt the best tho. we had fun. the room reminded me of early jamming sessions in a place called DAN Studios. heh. we met up with Hafiz in Lido after jamming.. met some junior SA guys. me, hafiz and ros then went to far east plaza to eat. was walking to the KFC when from the crowd i heard someone called my name.. "Ahmad!" i turned.. expected like some guy from the Army or something.. instead i saw a crush of mine in SAJC, Fadilah, smiling and waving at me. ive like forgotten about her (i mean the last time i seriously thought about her was like early 2001) and it didnt register for awhile.. was kinda shocked. For some stupid reason, we didnt talk.. i just waved, shouted back "Hey! Hi!", smiled... didnt stop. she paused but continued on too.. she was with her class.. yes yes. i know im a loser baby... so why dont you kill me.. REGRET!!

anyway.. we went down to kembangan to have the famous chicken chop Hafiz has been raving about. its in this place called Raimah. its pretty good. then i went back down to orchard to meet up with Eugene, Jeevan and some other guys. Time for some chinablack action again. it was nice.. laughed and joked with the guys.. met two sisters.. joanne and joyclene. nice. hehe.

sunday... woke up and went down to aljunied at 2. i was going to help drum for lin's band, Psychofaerietale. they didnt book at wee lee.. so we spent some time calling studios.. we got a 4 to 6 slot at some place in jurong called sing chai.. so we went down to jurong.. it was a pretty good session.. started out with a couple of boo-boos but we rocked the second hour.. there were two emo originals... we did very good for a first session. very productive :) lin can sing but her singing voice is still a little pitched. other than that.. everythings good good. preparing for a gig in JJC in Feb.

so im drumming for three bands.. dont think its a big problem at this point in time. im just afraid i make the songs from the three bands sound similar cuz of the drummings. ive got some drumroll habits i cant shake off.

im a loser baby... so why dont i kill myself...

Thursday, January 9, 2003/06:12 p.m.

How can I label you?
brought to you by Quizilla

damn.. i like to rock hard!

Sunday, January 5, 2003/01:35 p.m.

ive lost my voice

i wonder why.. cuz i didnt scream during jamming yesterday.. i think it started with a cough a few days ago.. theres blood in my mucus (eeww) and i dont know whats happening in there but theres a lot of thick stuff in my throat and nasal passage.. i cough out blood and now i cant speak. my chest feels tight. death will be a great adventure but life is so much more fun right now..

that sounded so cheesy. yes yes ros.. im the chessy lyrics guy.. and the dumb drummer. hahaha.. yeah yesterday's session was good. we played audioslave-cochise and vines-get free as covers.. we rocked so much that there was a crowd outside our door and they were headbanging and shite.. i was on a high man! haha. spent some time with the guys having dinner and going down to borders.. met a lot of people there.. and met this guy, Mark, who overheard us talking about band stuff and offered to help us do band posters and stuff for free :) its a win-win situation.. havent called him yet tho.. ive no voice to have a conversation but shall contact him soon.

ive a sudden idea of organising a gig as a first start to moren tea estate instead of getting a gig slot in some gig. cuz we wanna start off playing a couple of covers on top of our songs.. shall contemplate on this more.

went down to chinablack again last night. alls good. came home at about 4 plus. dad told me just now he wants me to reflect on what i value in life at this point in time before we have a talk. noo.. there were no heartfelt concern in those words.. every single syllable he uttered was dripping in sarcasm..just like any other thing he says. its just the way he is. im not a rebellious teen if u're pre-judging. i tried hard to be someone they can be proud of. and when i told them .. they told me "for what? we never told u to be like that" (their own words) so i decided from then on.. fuck it! im doing what i wanna do.. cant care less for what they think.. this is the "dont waste my time" attitude against "i wanna rebel against everything they say" attitude. if i were to rebel against what they say, that means i have to rebel against them saying "do what you like".. and that would be dumb wouldnt it?

Friday, January 3, 2003/10:29 p.m.

got this off Farizwan of Marchtwelve's Blog. Hope you're fine in Tekong man..

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT?
me, mom, dad, two younger sisters, bibik, ginger and ginie (my cats) somewhere in thomson
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
i am ashamed to say ive lost my habit of reading.. will pick it up again soon
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Ive got a Ministry of Manpower Employment Town Mouse Pad
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
erm.. tie between Risk and Cashflow
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?
FHM.. hehe.. and I
6. FAVORITE SMELL?
call me weird but some clean, old elevators have this nice smell...
7. FAVORITE SOUND?
sweet female voice on phone saying "hi" or something..i get a tingling feeling all over :).. been a while tho..
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
feeling like a victim of everyone else..
9. FIRST THING U THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKEUP?
"it was all a dream?!?! someone fucking kill mee!!"
10.HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
as soon as possible.. cuz by the time i hear my phone ring.. its most prob already be ringing long..
11. NAME OF FUTURE CHILD?
hmm.. something with "sky" in it so i can nickname him Sky.. (pronounced "skie")
12. MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE?
music, faith, dreams (not goals, the sleeping ones), "her", death, having a great day everyday
13. FAVORITE FOODS?
quadraple chocolate fudge cake or chocolate chip cookies
14. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Duh.. what da ya think?
15. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
when i drive, ill be so fast.. i need a Aston Martin V12 Vanquish...
16. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED TEDDY?
used to.. kept them when i went for national service.. now its just me and my bolster..hehe
17. THUNDER STORMS--COOL OR SCARY?
thunderstorms only scare me now when im in the middle of the sea with a capsized boat, with me stuck under the sail..
18. WHAT TYPE WAS/IS GOING TO BE YOUR FIRST CAR?
nice small car.. like a mini or something
19. ULTIMATE VEHICLE?
mazda mx5, mercedes benz S320, porche boxster, aston martin v12 vanquish, bentley arnage.. oh you mean only one?
20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE,WHO WOULD IT BE?
my grandfather.. he died when i was a year old.. never knew him.. never had a grandfather..
21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
"Absolut Vodka with whatever mixer available" said the man at the bar when the bartender asked him for his drink.
22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
libra but i dont really believe in it
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
depends on my mood
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
billionaire managing director of my own company.. i wont do much except sit on board meetings, do charity, go on tour with my band, travel and maybe join the amazing race or something
25. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
yes. not many loved me back. i probably deserve it..
26. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
ill just drink watevers in it and go get a refill.. theres my motto..
27. FAVORITE MOVIE?
Hook :)
28. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
most of the time.. sometimes i type on the left keys..
29. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
used to be lotsa crap.. ive cleared them all and hid them behind the table..
30. FAVORITE NUMBER?
69.. hahaha

Friday, January 3, 2003/09:19 p.m.

im suffering from a lack of attention and i know it. perhaps its a personality disorder.. perhaps its a phase..

one other thing ive realized is.. people pick on the people smaller than them. im not small. but in camp, im one of the youngest around - october 83 guy. and its not really picking, but think about this.. lets say me and this bigger guy been joking about the school you went to.. like "all you victorians.. blah blah" and you felt like hitting back.. now would you reach over and yank the bigger guy's hair or let out ur frustration at the smaller guy? yup. the smaller guy. the smaller guy just seems to be less of a threat and so will be picked on or marginalized or something. fuck.

damn i hate to have this kinda post as the first on a new page but i just gotta let it out. fuck you if you think im going to allow you to brush me aside. im going to take what i want and deserve. and fuck if YOU dont wanna listen to me, im going to get it made no matter what.