no, i'm not ok
...i realized something... shaun, u were feeling sick because of ash... i know it. don't even deny it... its ok... its not my fault you love her.. and its not my fault that i can't get u to love me like u used to... heh... this is the feeling i had sunday... my stomach and chest were in so much pain i thought i'd die... my hands shake... maybe i should just... be alone forever... i hate myself so bad... i should re-act things from when i was 8... i don't want to live anymore if... he lied to me. he said he didn't know why he felt so bad... and he damn well knew it... and it was because he loves ash so much... i wish he loved me like that. heh... and hes my boyfriend... *cries irl* i'm sorry shaun, that i can't be as beautiful and as great as ash is. i try. i love her so much... i'm sorry i can't be as sweet as her... and i'm sorry that i can't get u to want me like u used to... and how u want her... i have decieved you... *cries irl again* i'm sorry... i just wanted u to love me again.....
mm mm
08.06.02
i spent the night at brynns last night. we went to the mall about 10 min before it closed. i didn't get anything then, brynn got some stuff at hottopic and she got some lovespell at victorias secret.. in which i already got last...sunday. we asked brynns mom if she could bring us the next day. and ya so she woke us up about 9 this morning. -_______- i thought i was gunna die. they forced food down my throat. which was a cini mini. and i had some hot chocolate. i just hope i dont frow up again. but anyway. we went back to the mall. i got the infamous 'i fling poo' shirt, an afro ken **medium size this time** and an afro ken button to even out my total to $30. we went over to sam goody. brynn wanted to get the new eminem cd, but they only had the edited version... ha that hasta suck. but i forced her to walk over to suncoast, i went in the same isle and stared at the same dvds i look at every time i'm there. but... this time they had something different. they had "miyuki chan in wonderland" *coughs layout cough* so i bought that since it was only 12 bucks. so... i'm a happy camper just kinda low for no reason cuz i can't watch my damn dvd yet... because the dvd player on my puter doesn't work. maybe i can try it again. -___-;...well matta
°•°•11:46am•°•°
WAAAAAAAAAI =D
waiiii everyone i'm in the greatest mood for some reason!!!... damn my pepsi is finished. yea i went to pick up my check. gah $62. i'm pathetic. i NEED to save most of it. no.. i HAVE TO. brynn is taking me to the mall tonight. AAAAAAAIE GREG I NEED FOR U TO WORK FOR ME TUESDAY. T________T I PROMISED SHAUN I'D BE THERE ON HIS BIRTHDAY. ONEGAI ONEGAI ONEGAISHIMAAAAAAAAAA-SU!!!!!!! T___________T otherwise i'll have to call caylynn or.... bobby. >>;; ya u'd think he'd say yes since i've worked for him this week. ach my jeans are too big for me now. -_- they are all too baggy and it make my ass look wierd. gah i got disconnected.... c'mon dsl... there ya go.. anyway i'm in a really good mood for some odd reason. only thing... Chad was working when i was there to get my check *shudders* creepy 21 year old guy that looks freakishly like hes 13 and he likes me -________-..... *shudders* and he has a wierd accent... its not the good kind ash... its the creepy kind. o________o i work with alot of dowling kids. o_o why do they have jobs if they are rich enough to go to dowling?! hahah i was going to have to go to sacred heart... catholic school then go to dowling as well... -___- just think... only if my mom had that money up her ass. haha. well.. uhh.. eek asprin is needed. well... imma going to work more with dreamweaver, maybe getting a better version of a layout for chunkachu. DUN MAKE FUN OF ME JERRY. I MEAN IT! =@..... ja...matta
moo i mean boo
07.06.02
mm...i keep listening to Adrienne by the calling. o_o.... rodney stop making me look at pictures... they are quite creepy. and when i told him hes like 'and your profile picture isn't?' >> its cute... anyway. i'm too lazy to get a link to it. its chii from chobits. mm... rodney is such a freaking kid. geez... ew makes me sick i even went out with the idiot. -__-; i should've chose my people carefull-er... note to self "choose carefully". last night i was so scared... ash was hurting really bad... and i wanted to know what was wrong... and she didn't really tell me... but i was crying because she was hurting so bad. and she said that no one should love her and stuff. i told her that she shouldn't say that... because shes a million times better than i am. and she does deserve to be loved as well. gah i hope shes ok... i swear if i get another message from rodney imma going to block the damn teenie penis. muh mom sed i lost weight. i prolly didn't. katelin told me to download 'fragile' by every little thing. and tell her if it was in japanese or not. and... there is a jpop band called every little thing. i was just really confused... is it this song? i also downloaded a song with the same band name which ended up to be trent reznor. damn people with fekking filenames.. new good song. 'every heart' by boA... inu yasha 4 ending. -___- i cried listening to it. if i would sing to anyone i'd prolly sing this. -______- megan u aren't emotionless to yourself.... i just seeeeeeeem like it to other people. because i don't want to seem weak or vunruble.... however u spellit. blasted big words... go to hell! uh... lets think.. my fingers shrunk. T__T my ring doesn't fit me anymore. i mean i still wear it but i always have to make sure that the ring is still there. i can't live w/o my papas ring. my fingers are still so fucking fat. i'm planning on watching the movie awards today. .___. u can see sarah michelle gellars nipples at the beginning. i was like O_O! HOLY NIPPLE SHIT! eek tigger get off my lap. my stomach hurts. o well. hes my big poof. *huggles tigger* last year.. i think it was... yea. homecoming i said tigger was my date.. tigger... u are huge... hes like as big as a cocker spainiel **rolls tigger off lap**.... ah he wants to stay.. as long has he doesn't get in my way.. so he rests his head on my hand while i'm typing... XP ur so cute my kittie kat. wheres malienkio?... yeah that got him off... i dont really have anything to say... EEK I'M DOWLOADING KARE KANO FROM THE GUY THAT HACKED ME LONG AGO. XD!!! WOOOOO. sorry thats funny.. mm.. well i don't have much to say so im going to watch young and the restless w/ the mom and the fat brother.
°•°•uh.. its 11:12am•°•°
i did it again
...i ruined things with shaun i think... i brought the whole 'thing' and... yea... *cries* all i want is everything to be back how i used to be... i wish we could all just forget about last week period... and i said "i just wish u could love me like u used to..." and... he says he does. and i believe him... i just wish he acted like he used to... now i'm crying again... i miss it when... everything was so great... i am happy now, mind you... i'm so grateful be asked me back... after asking ash to go out with him. T_____T she told me that today too. i cried about that... and it shows how great of a friend she is because she said that she wanted him to get back with me... eventhough me maybe didn't want to... i'm sorry... i didn't mean to make u hurt shaun. i wish i could show my emotions to people more... i can't even open up to anyone... he used to tell me that before... and i would... i seriously would... *cries* i just need to know how... why can't love be as easy as it is in kare kano??
*-* AIEEEEE HE KISSED HER
06.06.02
i was watching kare kano ep 8. arima kisses yukino. i CRIED. eventhough it wasn't a time to cry maybe i was crying because of the bad quality of the video. well no. but. AA WHY CAN'T LOVE BE LIKE IT IS OFF OF KARE KANO!!!??? ah. well ash called me today. and i talked to her for a wil bit. she talked about her and eric. i'm suuuuuuuuuuu happy shes happy with him. it seems like he is a really nice kid. and he bettah live up to my expectations. hahah. cuz shes MY ash ya know. ^_~;; yea, i talked to her ab00t stuff. -__- about my humiliation with the wierd convo i had between shaun and my mom. gah... its gunna take awhile to tell her what blanket monster is... o____________o;; anyway... ash's sisters wedding is next week. and i wanna get this one shirt from hottopic to wear to it. -______- its $40. maybe i can have mama pay for 75%??? XD! hmm i still have to work. i havent aten today. one point down on my stability at work... i have a cut on my arm. T______T i got it while i was sleeping a few days ago i guess. cuz i was gunna say... yea i am depressed out of my miiiiiiiiind but -__- the last time i did it it left darker scars than what they should look like. gah i hate this bra. >> since the other one... the wire poked my boob all day yesterday and it left a bruise. *kishes bruise* T___T feel better... hmm. i want a damn cookie but thinking of eating and smelling food makes me sick to my stomach. 3:30 it'd be nice if i could just..not go... u hate chu bobby. >> u freakishly yung child. yea, he is prolly older than me, and is a grade lower. c'mon, i'm one of the youngest in my grade. anyway. i should go. -____- i want my damn dvds NOW. but nuuuuu bitches hafta get in a fekking new shipment before mailing it to me. >>! bai bai... remind me to brush my teeth!
......its 325 aight?........
woo trojan americas favorite condom >>
06.06.02
yea, this morning... i woke up about... 3 min ago? at 10. damn phone, so i ran into my brothers room in my underwear and its always so damn cold in his room, so i took the phone and ran back out. hang up -___-; and i did the *69 thing and it was long distance or something. as long as it wasn't for me. if it was that important they would leave a message on the voicemail. at least our message isn't the old thing my mom put on there that had the guy from sienfield singing "believe it or not george isn't home..." and so on. it was scary... yea. maybe i have a message. i never pick up the phone anyway. O YEA. last night i had a dream and it was ca-RAAAZY. o_o;; i was in show chior which means joey was there **BIIIIIIG sweatdrop** eek.... and so on. -_______-; gah imma nevah gunna get over it. and anyway, then there was this one guy that i have no idea who he is really, but i seemed to know him in the dream asked me out after the concert and i was totally discusted and i said niceley and sweet **cough** "no i have things to do with ::insert name here:: after the concert" and he got all touchy feely so then i was like. >> bitch! and ends that sequence. so anyway next sequence, i was looking for someone -___-; i know who but its waaaaaaaaaay to embarrassing to even admit. gah. but anyway, it was in a condom commercail for the TROJAN EXTENDED PLEASURE.......condoms. meybe cuz the night me and chu...yea... well i was watching tv after taking a 'shower' **crying** and then we watched the commercail and her and i got to talking.... extended pleasure? means it makes him cum.....later? we just looked at eachother and shrugged. >> dammit we are virgins we don't know back to the dream... yea i was advertising a 9 inch slimy rubbery thingie all wrapped together in a little package. but i got to drive a kick ass red car... o_O and i took one out and i started to put it on the antenna of the car but i stopped myself and said 'save it for later?' i ended up trying to put it back in the package, but failed and put it in the glovebox where i put lots of things in my car.... yea. then i woke up because of the damn phone. -___- prolly wishing it was for me, so i could get out of my house and maybe be able to eat without puking it back up... i don't do it on purpose, i swear... ah.. my skin is soft. that reminds me... imma gunna read that.. i have really bad goosebumps... i wish everything was just like how 'we' planned long ago... -___- but i guess not. gah i cant read these, they make me cry and wish everything was like... it was then. and i sure as hell do, but i know that will never happen, i can't get what i want ya know. imma gunna be the guy from the 'dirty texas' music video from 'days go by' i'll dance infront of some place same day every year, from sunrise to sunset, -___-.... imma gunna read it thinking that it was then... hey i noticed something. o_o 75% of the e-mails i got from shaun are ones that are when i flipped out over something dumb and we got in a big fight about -_____- lets count everyone... nah... imma bad gf. o______o heres what i was lookin for.. imma gunna print it out and stuff. i'll never tell... i kinda feel like laying up in my room for a few days. staring up at the ceiling and counting the holes. =___= listening to radiohead, alicia keys... 'specially korn. they don't help me but. -___-; makes me think. i think to much. i'd prolly be better by now if it wasn't for my damn thinking problems. T____T i can't wait until.. yea. oo fallin is on. -___-; this time last year...i was... ick with rodney. *hurl* i was NOT happy. gah hes a child. = he thinks hes a kid from the rowdy ruff boys and when i told him about my *coughs* incident yesterday he said "=O i bet u posed for them" and i said "what kind of pose would that be, child?" and he said "i dunno" hes a child in a geeks body. =... meybe i'll go back to sleep, i dun have to shower today. i did last night. i hate showers, thats where i cry. gah. -___-; i'm fine but i think its not... shit on you shit on you in the ass.
°•°• yea... its 10:30•°•°
...now he dances to bring her back...
06.05.02
o yay get this, i had a cookie before i went to work. o_O and i got sick at work and threw it back up... =___= imma gunna die if i dont eat eventually. whenever i eat it comes back up. and whatever i drink, about 15 min later i have to pee. >> i don't like being alone with other people really though, forces conversation i guess. but he seemed like he wanted to talk to me so i talked back and answered questions he had. nice kid. goes to rival school. school i was going to go to. o_O dowling, but i guess i'm destined to be a valley girl -____-;... i tried this one thing on a layout for shaun. and it sux ass. >> gah i need to figure out what to do, because if i do it like i did mine and jerrys then there would be a big empty space and it irritates me, and i don't know how to make it to where i can make that one thingie be up and stuff. =_='' jeebuz... html sucks balls. ya well.....worst thing at work is seeing the happy couples buy food and shit together. o_O how romantic. =_____=;... i hate public places. they make me feel like i'm being watched. and and and some drunk guy today was just a liiiiiiiiiiiittle bit too close to me. i said "have a great evening" and he said "evening? is it morning or night?" and his body was touching my arm. i scooted away and said "its afternoon/evening..." and he got closer and said "my birthday was yesterday" and i ignored him and said "have a great evening" and he walked off. gah. drunk people like that are creepy... today i was watching some of my old anime stuff on disk and i was watching a 'squall and rinoa tribute' to vertical horizon song. it made me cry. gah, i'm a wuss-o... i wonder what would happen if i don't get online for......a few days... hm.. meybe i should try it. i'll prolly be at home staring at the screen..... and then i'll start talking to it. o_O; and then it'll start telling me if i don't get on it'll kill me in my sleep. *shudders* creepy... gah i want some cookies and cream ice cream. T_______T maybe if i eat ice cream it'll stay down. hm...well... nothing else to write about. maybe eventually i'll stop crying. o_O o no, we wouldn't want me to keep thinking the way i do, do we?
°•°•if i could say what i wanted to say i'd say.... its 7:36pm•°•°
AND THERE I WAS NAKED IN FRONT OF THEM! AA
....40 min after prev. entry
AA!!! i just got out of the shower, and all the towels were downstairs in the dryer. and and i thought my brother left, so i walked downstairs...naked to go get a towel and and and i stopped... MY BROTHER PICKED UP SOME OF HIS FRIENDS AND THERE I WAS BUTT NAKED! my brother laughed and his friends stared and were like "O_O! HOLY SHIT" i had to run past them screaming my head off to go to the kitchen to get to the dryer to get a towel. i am....so.....embarrassed. T_____T at least Hilgren **aka: o_o greek god** wasn't there, i would've screamed to where it'd break all glass in the house. o god i'm pertified.... T____T no male was supposed to see me butt naked yet... o_O;; except... ^-^ u know what i'm talkin ab00t. gah......imma gunna die. T________T....... my legs burn. >> dun shave your legs and spray body spray after your shower. it BURNS!!!!! gah...... T______T i go now, to crawl into a box and never come out. gah i'm so embarrassed. T________T
ok >_> sure
06.05.02
meybe i'll start writing the date normally now. =_= cuz it looks wierd when i dont. o_O; when i was applying for my job the manager was like 'o___o never seen anyone write the day first..' i was like 'm ya' i usually write the kanji with it, i've been doing that since i started dating my drawings. >> when was the last time i drew? o ya, that one day at school when i was so fekking sad and i cried and in japanese i went to the nurse wif a fever yet again. =_= gah... but it was a picture of me crying and it said **in japanese** "su...suki" and so on. gah just 'cuz i liked writing the kanji for it. 好き <--- ya there it is. o_O; well.....kanji and hiragana combination. MUST STUDY MORE. =_= speaking of studying... i got my grades today, i'm petrified to look..... wait a minute. IT SEZ THAT...there are fees so i can't get my grades. >> mama......is gunna make me pay for it. T______T its not my fault. i didn't rent to kill a damn mockingbird. and the library thing..was rachel banana sans fault. T_T i swear... its only wedsnday right? nuu.... i wish it was..... fek u bobby. i dun wanna work for you! T___T i already told the poor child i would work for him. stupid kid. gah i remember when i was outside for studyhall and courtney wrote i love bobby on my arm.. she likes bobby so she decided to brand me with it. >> so then i wrote i love chunkachu on her arm. she was like "whats a chunkachu" ::falls over:: 'annou......o_o thats wut i call shaun, thats his real name ya know?' imma dork. having an odd pet name like that fo' ur bo-friend. o_o; its not that bad. ITS FEKKING COOTE FOOLS! ^-^ imma fluffaluff. 'mew'... woo i need to finish shauns layout. T_____T its hard. the piccie hates me. its like "i am almighty asuka and u suck balls megan!" and this is when i say ">> thats none of your business u shinji masturbating tool!" o_o bad memories *shudders* shinji u cheese cock... i need to stop.. woo.. i forgot my mom got me some juice, sunday. she said i could get whatever juice i wanted, the ones that were on sale at least. i got pineapple orange. and then she got me cookies saying "i bet this will make u forget about everything, megan" >> "nah not really" i haven't aten any of them.... but they look scruptious. o_O; my stomach shrunk, i cant eat barley anything. =_= one damn fruit cup got me full. gah i'm eating like calista flockheart or whatever her name is. *shrugs* i need to loose my fat anyway. o_O;; gah i hate this song. zepplin u can suck my ass >>... umm no u cant... THIS IS WHEN HES ALL MOANING LMFAO!... forgot that part.. uh... well i'm off to finish shauns layout or at least tryyyyyyyyyyyy to. =_= gomen nasai chunkachu. i'm stalling...
°•°•if i could say what i wanted to say i'd say.... its 1:37•°•°
i'm starin at my feet, my cheeks are turning red
04•06•02
back from work. it was ok, i was really shaky. brynn yelled at me -_____- i didn't know she worked today, she walked in when i was signing in and she was like "what the fuck megan? u aren't supposed to work today, i told u to call in" and i just sed that i needed the money and so on. blah blah. i was realy really shaky today. i can't even lift up 12 packs of soda really. let alone the blasted 24 packs. and then they had me work outside about... 5:15? and they had like 3 carts of shit i needed to separate -_-;. well then about 5 min later, josh i think his name was josh at least maybe jon. o_O something with a j. anyway he sed that he came out to help me, so he helped me, he knew something was wrong with me i told him a... o_O fake version. he told me that everything takes time and then everything will be ok.. ironic eeeeeveryone told me that. onii-chan is home; means he wasn't avoiding helping mom clean the house. i did my part and i'm cleaning one of the bathrooms and maybe the tub o_O; **sparkle sparkle** i suck at cleaning tho. from what my room looked like before thaat was clean to me. ALLLLL my clothes everywhere, my vegeta kit thingie-all parts on floor, cds everywhere ^-^ and shtuf. gah my stomach hurts really bad. ya... i like my new bodyspray its victorias secret, its called 'love spell' i smelt it on one of my friends and i was like FEK I WANT THAT SHTUF! and i got it......sunday? yea, before i went to my mums work and bawled on the way home ¬¬... this song makes me cry. =_= everything makes me cry. wa... i'm so damn soft now. damn u feelings! phone go ring.....**waits**......not for me. good. i never get phone calls. i don't expect them, the phone is ebil to me sometimes though. but sometimes its good to hear someones voice. i want my phone T__T i chew on the antenna =P so i call it my phone. o_o; my brothers phone's antenna is too hard and short and its all plasticish so i dont chew on that one, and mine is longer and its not all hardish.......hey wait a minute. ;D thats nasty. haha perv-o... k........well... jerry sed that he feels abandoned since me and shaun are back together... i don't know what he really expects from me. i wish he was more straight forward with things. making things so complicated good song.. **wow i'm on msn too much, i was about to do the emoticon for the thumbs up >> i'm wierd** o ya, sailor moon is back on cartoon network. i watched the first episode yesterday.... i was like.... gah never noticed how bad the dubbing was... its terrible, it makes me want to crack a smile... o_o;; anyway... i need to finish shauns layout. c'mon i can do it. GO ME!
°•°•if i could say what i wanted to say i'd say....its 7:40pm•°•°
mhmm
04•06•02
i'm not supposed to be going to work with how i feel. brynn told me to call in for the week because i can't eat and i'm too dizzy. but i need the money otherwise i wont be able to survive at the convention gah it was hell getting ready. =____= i haven't put on makeup since school, and my hands shake constantly... so i poked myself in the eye with the blasted mascara. >< die! my stomach hurts. i had a fruity-ice today. i opened up a white one and i threw it away by smelling it, then i got a grape and watched becoming.... and... thats the first i laughed in so long. oh my god, those boys who wanted to become nsync... poor kids... that was the funniest thing i've ever seen, it hurt to laugh. so i had to change it, so i watched the ashanti music video foolish. gah i think i'm becoming normal... o yay its the prom edition of TRL... they were playing hero by enrique-i-have-a-big-ass-mole-on-my-face-and-im-still-fekking-sezzy-englasias. o_O; that song brings me to tears. gah. the video is so sad... and =___= that kiss is inviting. >> enrique scares me though, its like one of those people with the biggest zit its like another head, and u can't help but stare at it and then they say "are u looking at my zit!?" and u deny it and then they start crying and say "don't look at me i'm hideous"... i've been sucked into the world of the tv. i'm usually on the compy. >> i left it on all day. i fell esleep, woke up checked if i had any messages, i had 1 i smiled and closed it... i went back to sleep... its easier to sleep though, but i do it too much now. maybe all this shit happening got me mono... o_O mentally. i feel as bad as i did yesterday, i'm just not crying as hard. i'm shaking just as bad though and i refuse to eat, just like yesterday. water is good for me, thank you. i was talking to my ma ma **i think i'm the only person my age that calls their mother, mama °shrugs°** this song makes me cry, lets change it. =___= no i wanna listen to it, no matter how badly i hate nsync, 'this i promise you' is such a damn sweet song anyway as i was saying, me and my mom were talking in the car... sunday? well i was crying and i said "i hate it, i keep turning into more like a weak female..." then my mom said "no you aren't, for all the stuff that you have been through at your age, you are so strong" and she said that usually people that have been through don't act as well as i do. i don't act well, i still think i'm weak. *shrugs* ok o well... i forgot what i was going to say. well imma gunna write an e-mail and go to work if i can find my shoes. *takes a deep breath* bye
°•°•if i could say what i wanna say i'd say....its 3:27pm•°•°
just like a pill...
45 min or so after previous
i just got out of the bathroom... i frew up until i was empty... it was mostly water, because thats all i've had... and i looked in the mirror, i look different from myself, for some odd reason i thought i looked beautiful. o_O; o ya, i looked at the yearbook and looked at ash's boyfriend. i know that guy, i danced with him, o_O and we were making fun of the old guy that kept telling eric that he couldn't dance. =\ mhmm... but anyway... i don't feel like myself. gah maybe i've gone through the stage from uglyness to purdyness... i need a judge, maybe its because i'm thinning out or something. =\ i've lost 5 pounds can u tell? maybe its cause my hair is clean. thats prolly it... yea...anyway...yea, i thought that it'd take longer to clean my room. i started out with sitting on my bed thinking... about things i shouldn't. then i curled up on my big ugly kittie pillow/stuffed animal.. it hurts so bad. i wont feel better until everything is back to normal.. everything will be the way it should. last night i talked to ash on the phone. i was so releived when she called. =___= i noticed something. i can't cry when i'm on the phone. depends who it is i guess. ow it hurts... maybe i should change the song... skater boy by avril lavigne. its a cute story.. i need to stop thinking forever... its killing me... kinda hard to think that you can die from others peoples actions... or words... that aren't violent at least... or their feelings. sigh i need to stop writing so much in this... WAIT... T_____T this song is good...Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle, it'll up the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.jimmy eat world... i forgot who told me about them. i think it was shaun. well thinking about shaun. i should start finishing up that layout for him *coughs* =___= the damn pic is hard to work with... ne way... bye...everything everything will be just fine, everything everything will be alright
wont it?
oh god
04•06•02
i'm shaking so bad, i'm in alot of pain... i got plenty of sleep. 9 hours... i didn't even wake up to my mom alarm... i had nightmares, bad ones. i wanted to wake up so bad, but i couldn't... got up checked the e-mail. ya, there was one asking if i wanted to go on some sort of a vacation. and then the other one was just deleted along with the other one. i check my junkmail because... dunno... and as usual i get the funny sex ones... that... i can't stop shaking... *cries* everything will be alright... everything will be alright...
i work tonight, i pray i feel good by then... but for now, i need... nothing. i'm going to go clean my room, our house is going to be looked at tomarrow morning. and my room looks like a tornado went through it... maybe i'm pregnant with morning sickness. >_>; impossible, but its my life, things just pop out of no where to make life mizerable....
°•°•if i could say what i wanted to say i'd say....its 8:10am•°•°
dizzyness
03•06•02
hmm i'm a little entry happy today aren't i? i smell so damn good. my brother is making me eat, he got me a taco... and everyone knows that tacos are my favorite food. = i couldn't stand to look at the damn thing. i took a bite of it, and i ended up spitting it out. but at least i'm drinking something. i had a glass of water today. my mom sed that i feel dizzy and sick because of the heat. but im not really hot. o_O i'm the kid in the house with the blanket over my head. o yea.. i weighed myself. i lost 5 pounds. thats what happens when u can't eat... lè sigh. i was going through alllll my saved e-mails today. which consist of a folder of, passwords, webring pass, melissa, chibi, and shaun. it was fun looking through my and ash's. o_o last summer we were making sites on homestead and we sent eachother piccies. i remember having an allnighter working on her site. @_# we saw atlantis the next day with Joe, katelin, brandon and i kept falling esleep. haha then i went home and layed back in the recliner with blankie **i have 2-pink and blu-this time was blu** and i put it over my head and i said to tommie "i'm not going to go to sleep" 2 min later i was out. i woke up the next day at like 12 or something, in my own bed, so i came downstairs and i was like "how did i get upstairs" they told me that i walked upthere around 10. = sleep walkin megan, scary to think about. i'm dying. gah my stomach hurts. T__T imma gunna frow up...well i guess i wont if i haven't yet today. ja...matta
°•°•if i could say what i wanted to say, id say....its 6:06pm•°•°
**sneezes**
what day is it again? the 3rd right?
i just got a call from valley. i didn't pass science, social studies and english. *sigh* i have to try... but i'm happy because i have enough credits to go to valley now. that means i passed my math final... that means i have to take fundies my junior year. my life is so messed up. next year i'm going to be in the fucking books all through my damn studyhalls. instead of drawing... my stomach hurts really bad. i shouldn't still feel bad, but i do. i'm watching this one thing on mtv, and its called how to be a rockstar or something... and basically the whole thing is like about groupies and sex. porn stars and groupies make me sick to my stomach, who would just sleep around. with a nasty ass rock star. i honestly wouldn't. does that make me too pure. im going to take the purity test...brb...12:55pm....back1:03 uhh....i'm... 81% pure... *shrugs* ok... sue me for being a dumb virgin... i'm tired. i can't get to sleep because my stomach hurts so bad. maybe i should stop writing in this... im bored... i'm off to watch ayashi no ceres... for the 100th time.
the greatest thing... you'll ever learn, is just to love... and be loved, in return...
03.06.02
i keep forgetting what day it is. and so on... he said for me not to worry, its hard not to though... but im going to promise myself that things are going to end up like they were, when i was happy. when everything felt so good. and i felt like nothing could go wrong. i bet none of my friends thought i felt like that, i'm not a hard ass bitch who hates males and preps all alike... i never have shown my emotions twoard anyone since i lived with daddy. and i have my reasons for that... i need to open up to the right people. my stomach wont stop hurting. i got out of the shower about 20 min ago. i smell like a damn apple. i'm going to use my new body spray... for some odd reason i have bruises on my arms.. maybe its for holding myself so tight so i wouldn't scream. itai... i want to call ash right now... i dont want her to hate me. she might as well condemn me for not wanting shaun to love her, thats what she wanted right? anyway... i hope eric is a good guy for her. i cant stand to see her unhappy... no wonder when she was here, she was so protective about reading her e-mails around me... especially the 4 from shaun. ah don't cry megan don't cry... is said not to cry... don't worry... i got a thing on msn it saves all my conversations... i feel loved with i read them... i pray to god that he'll love me like that again...
[20:09] Shaun says: love you so much
[20:10] Shaun says: so very very much
[20:14] Shaun says: your the greatest ever fluffaluf
[20:14] Shaun says: i love you
i wish i knew military time... i love you too... i'm listening to nature boy by nat king cole... the lyric... the greatest thing... you'll ever learn... is just to love... and be loved in return...is nice... download it.. i don't want to cry but thats what i'm going to do.. you'd think by now i'd be out of tears.. i guess i'm not...
°•°•if i could say what i wanted to say, i'd say... its 11:14am•°•°
....
u have alot to read... sorry its so long...
about 5 hours after previous entry
i tried to sleep... and my stomach hurts so bad... i think this is what it feels like to have your heart stepped on... i first tried to sleep upstairs, then my brother heard me crying, he let me sleep in his room with him so i could tell him everything. i just ended up waking up from a terrible dream, and running downstairs to puke until i'm empty... i took all of my blankets, wrapped them around me, and layed back in my recliner... i put my head under the covers to mute out my cries. that got me to sleep and i woke up about 5, i layed there with my eyes open...it hurt to keep them open since they were so red, puffy and so on. i put my hand on my chest, my heart was beating so hard and fast. i could feel it throughout my body. it made my stomach hurt... i ended up running for the bathroom to do another round of the god-forsaken dry heaves. i had to change out of my clothes from the cold sweat and bile, so i went back upstairs and sat in my room, in my underwear. listening to the saddest songs, staring at my wall. almost to where i'd start counting the holes on my ceiling. i wanted to call ash so bad and bawl at her and tell her to help me... but it was too early. why can't i have her live next door? its not like she'd accept a phonecall from me anyone since i was so rude and cold to her... i put on a tank top from 6th grade that is so worn out, but still fits the same way. maybe with my luck it'll tear today. i started to think. things like this take time... remember me and jerry? i had to get over him, and i'm in the same damn situation shaun is... not really. i didn't send e-mails saying i had dreams about marrying jerry and having children... but... i want to blank everything out. i kept thinking to myself "i can get him to love me like he used to, just act like u always have wanted to... don't hold back your emotions like you usually do, treat him like he deserves" like he used to treat me, but now he treats her like that... its happened before, with sara... brynn should be up, im going to call her.....8:11amback9:30am she told me that i'm very strong... she said "you've never been like this ever, must be one hell of a guy" i started to cry and say "yea... i want everything back to how it was when we never had fights, we were so happy...at least i was" she said that she might come over today... she wants me to call in sick to work tomarrow. i'm not going to because i can hold back tears... never tried to hold them back so hard...why am i listening to this. u were right jerry, i shouldn't listen to this damn song. >my december...
this is my december, this is my time of the year, this is my december, this is my December this is all so clear, this is my December, this is my snow covered home,this is my December, this is me alone....
And I Just wish that I didn't feel Like there was Something I missed And I Take back all The things I said To make you Feel like that And I Just wish that I didn't feel Like there was Something I missed And I Take back all the Things I said to you
And I give it all away Just to have somewhere To go to Give it all away To have someone To come home to
This is my December These are my snow covered dreams This is me pretending This is all I need
And I Just wish that I didn't feel Like there was Something I missed And I Take back all The things I said To make you feel like that And I Just wish that I didn't feel Like there was Something I missed And I Take back all the things I said to you
And I give it all away Just to have Somewhere to go to Give it all away To have someone To come home to
This is my December This is my time of the year This is my December This is all so clear
And I give it all away Just to have somewhere To go to Give it all away To have someone To come home to...
haha kinda ironic... he listened to the same song when i was with jerry. the only thing is... hes with me... he'll probably break up with me today though because... i'm so terrible... i just feel like getting e-mails that were sent to her, being sent to me... is somewhat of a sign to do something... but if i did nothing, would everything be better? maybe... i have another fever, i get fevers too often, the time before last, no the time before that, i was sick and i had to go to the hospital... i hate hospitals... they give me the vibe of death... a big damn black aura of death... yesterday in the car, after figuring out you know what, i cried so hard, i pushed the seat back, layed down and let my mom talk, she said "its ok, everything gets better with time" she rubbed my shoulder telling me everything will be alright... but, i have the impression it wont be... to prove that things weren't alright, i have scar tissue all over my damn body... everywhere... and soon will be on my stomach... i should've did it to my chest, right over my heart. i feel like i'm whining and that i'm making a big deal out of this...illness illusion.....yasashiku sasayaita anata no koe doko ni iru no...zetsubou ni mo nareteshimatta kono yo no hate de wa...Your voice softly whispered Where are you... I also grew accustomed to despair At the end of the world...ash... please wake up soon, call me please...*cries* i hate it when i feel like this. i haven't felt like this ever... not even when papa died... when he died all i did was cry.. and wish i was dead for 6 months straight... never cry out, never scream, never throw up, never wish that i could make him love me... please god, if you are there, i have sinned, forgive me, but, please get me through this... i don't know how much more i can take anymore...
kiesaru kono sekai de anata to aishi tsuzukeru tamerai mo mayoi mo iranai tsuite oide...
In this world that melts away, I'll continue to love you Faltering and lost and unneeded Come here with me... ok... well i'm fully awake... i think theres another 2 days of nothing to eat again, i'm scared imma gunna puke. **sorry ash--everyone doesn't eat and she gets mad** i can't help it, when i feel like this... shes never seen me cry.. i just noticed that... hm..well this is getting too long and i bet everyone has already stopped reading... i just want it back to what it was... before he loved her, before we got into fights, when everything was good... they were just friends, i was happy... and serene. maybe something spectacular will happen and i will miss my breast and cut my heart out this time...
°•°•f i could say what i wanted to say i'd say....its 10:00am•°•°
e-mail to ash from shaun.... fwd'ed to me 02.06.02
you lied to me, you have a bf, thats why you wouldnt wanna be with me >< and its eric isnt it. I CANT TAKE THIS >< I JUST CANT HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER. meg told me you told her you have a bf, you lied to me, i never thought you would lie to me, you were what was holding me back from hurting myself and after i heard this, i guess i dont think i can hold it back. T___T fuck i am fuckign crying now, feels like someone just slashed my heart into peices and threw it away T___T i ...i...am...sorry..if i hurt myself today..you were what was holding me back from hurting myself, but you lied to me saying its distance and thats not true cause you would have any other time, its because you hve a bf like you told meg, and i know who it is, its eric. you know i had a dream that me and you were married and had two kids, and you were outside playng with them with a smile on your face then you came up to me while i was sittign there watching you play and you kissed me softly, and you pulled me along to come play with them. T___T but thats not going to happen is it. i dont matter, i dotn even see why i ws fuckign creatrd, maybe i was just to feel pain
bye,
::his name goes here::
yea... he... treats her like he use to treat me when we first were together. sending e-mails saying i want to stay up late with you tonight... and... stuff... my hands are shaking so bad... i want him to explain alot to me... because i need an explanation
ok uh...
02°06°02
ok i don't hate ash... i was just... furious with myself that i couldn't even comfort him to get him to love me o_O more. well i think things are almost back to good, i just need to get you to luff me again. lè sigh... takes time. i hope that my relationship with shaun wont end this time. =_____= i couldn't take it... jerry knows eeeeeeevery word of my feelings... but its hard not to think about him being like to ash "i want to be with you" and so on. it kinds makes me sick... because i didn't do my job, to make him not think of other girls. *shrugs* he did that fer me. anyway my fourtune cookie sed "a man travels far in search for happiness and returns home to find it" o____o; i'm not a man but its tru for me. **shaun sed that it was fer him** imma gunna make a band. o_O imma gunna be the guitarist and singer. and stuff. shaun can be the back up singer. >< cuz i sed so. >> imma still depressed i'm just not cutting my stomach with scissors anymore... gah it hurts to sit
°•°•if i could say what i wanted to say i'd say.....its 10:06pm•°•°
now whos the loser thats goin to bed at 10 in the summer ME!
love does this...
oh my god....oh my god... please don't love her... i hate you ash, fuck you. shaun,i hate you for loving her.... i love you so much.... and... both of u have now ruined me.... ash, never talk to me again.... u have taken away the most important thing to me....ever and shaun.... how could you? and shaun... u don't love me... u were just saying that so i wouldn't kill myself... i wanted to be with you so bad... i'd die to be with you again, but you love her. ash.....how could u take him away from me? its all your fault... *cries* u....i just wanted to be with him...and....why.........i was so happy....with...shaun. thursday ash was telling me "oh yea, u should marry shaun" and then jerry was saying "i can't imagine him with anyone else, its always been megan and shaun" and... i guess since, that... hes found her, i'm not a part of it anymore...i can't be in a relationship where they love someone else... ash....why??? u said to me that u and eric were going out... maybe she was just meaning eric as shaun.... and maybe they are together behind my back. i can't take it... i can only imagine him with me... and i want to be with him forever... but i guess he doesn't want me anymore... i want him to be with me forever....and i can't because she got him...
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its all over. i know it'll never be the same, why can't i have a computer in my room so i don't have to be around everyone when i'm crying. why can't i say it?...i'll never be able to be happy again... no shaun, u didn't ruin everything... it was her and him... him because he always did before and her, because u think that its because that i think she will end up with her. i want to die so fucking much. i am not going to wake up this time. i am seriously going to do it this time... i want to so bad, shaun said that its now for me to do it no matter if i'm scared, it might've been for me telling him... but... i'm scared of dying, so i'm going to do it anyway. why can't i just say that i.... never want to be alone again....too late...
°°insert title here that means absolutley no sense°°
02.06.02
well....i made a layout this morning... i messed up the right corner rushing to get it on my server... *points to right corner*... don't ask me how my life is going because, its the same as it was before....ash got a bo-friend... i think... she told me that but i was told by shaun that she was lieing. maybe because he didn't want to know the truth. *shrugs* i bet i'm going to get yelled at for saying that... i'm so happy i got my notebook back today because... imma gunna fill it up. because... this is too public... wishing my life away, with these words i'll never say good song... listen to it... its pretty good.. i feel like i've been hit by a car a few times. i need to get out. i think my mom is taking me to the mall today. i think she knows whats wrong with me. o_O maybe i'll start my period today totally early... and then it'll stop after a day like last time i was so depressed. **week 1/2 ago** thought u all wanted to know... roar... gah notebook time, i hate hurting peoples feelings that are so damn soft-or at least the ones that i'll get yelled at for doing so....
°°if i could say what i wanna say, i'd say...its 1:00pm°°
