Little star... so you had to go... //vers.{17} lolita//

Sunday, November 24, 2002
....ongaku wa: Queens of the Stoneage: nobody knows>>

christina left me a message on my aim and said "i really need to talk to you... its about blake and my virginity... call me asap" um... well.. lets say, now i'm pretty much the only virgin in my group of friends with her. well me, and brynn. :shudders: she discribed it in code on the phone by saying "it was really really big and it felt good" :shudders: mental picture wasn't needed. but then when i think of that i have a mental picture of me and shaun sprawled out on my bed XD... its really wierd... because im the only girl that still has her virginity AND hasn't had her first kiss. but i'm holding on it it. because i love shaun X/

....for you little star.... 03:46 p.m.

Thursday, November 21, 2002
....ongaku wa: sugarcult: pretty girl(the way)>>

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

Pretty girl, pretty girl

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

....for you little star.... 09:21 p.m.

Monday, November 18, 2002
....ongaku wa: >>

i fainted at school today and they said i got a head injury from hitting my head on the floor so i had to go home.. i'll leave it at that... um... the more time goes by the further me and shaun... um.. drift apart? everytime he gets online now, we talk for about 10 minutes or so... and he says hes sick and hes going to bed... am i making him sick? i dont know what i'm doing to our relationship to make it be so shitty to where we are never talking and whenever we DO talk its about how we aren't talking and whatever... i'm crying and i hate crying over these things because i know that i shouldn't let these things happen to myself. but i do... he says that we never talk because of me. and because i so called go to all these parties.. which.. i dont, i went to one the weekend before last.. and i am probably going to go to one this friday... maybe its HIS fault that we aren't talking... because whenever he does get online he says hes sick and that hes going to leave... and i feel so sick right now.. and the only reason i'm on this mother fucking computer is so i could talk with him and i cant because he left.. so he could sleep. im selfish for not wanting him to get his rest. but i cant help it. this week i cant really do anything anymore because i have to 'take it easy'... i don't think im going to be online for awhile... theres no use to it anymore.. if anyone wants to reach me theres always the phone. i usually respond to those better than my computer...

....for you little star.... 03:43 p.m.

Sunday, November 17, 2002
....ongaku wa: Britney Spears: born to make you happy>>

yes, i am listening to britney spears, but this is a good song, mind you. and its from her first album... i remember when i was in 6th grade and i used to listen to this and like, dream or think about uhh... whoever i liked at the time. which changed quite often back in the day... well right now shaun and i are like, not talking. for reasons that are wierd.. i dont really know. he is leaving because he feels a little sick. and i think hes pissed because i told him that i wont be on for a long time. because this week i have alot going on, and i have a party on friday im going to and saturday i have shit going on, and im never allowed on sundays really. and then the week after that is thanksgiving and im going out to iowa city... maybe i can ask mom to take me to abercrombie.. oh please say yes... but anyway, i think hes pissed because im not going to be on.. enough about that i can talk about my day, i woke up around 10:30 or so, i finished reading my 10 pages of what i had left of #5 of the sweep series... (im dying because i freaking dont have #6... O_O) i got on to check the e-mail, none as usual. oh well, i went and made some bacon for me and mom. blah, ate and read the newspaper. then uhh... lets see... well graham took me to grandma and grandpas for dinner i got some new t-shirts of grahams. XD his old ones he wore when he was like 8 or something. thank god he wasn't that fat, so i can fit in them niceley. (okay wtf, shaun left by saying 'mm'... okay now im mad at the kid... now im not even going to TRY and get my fucking ass online anymore, i try hard to talk to him every goddamn day... and when i cant get on he... just fuck it...) and.. uhh.. i took a pair of shorts he wore when he was in track from when he was in 8th grade. o_o yeah... then a pair of flannel boxers. oooh hand-me-downs... *drools* well fuck this shit.. >/... not like if shaun even gets back on he will talk to me. which he wont get online anyway, so im out to finish making my cookies.. god i hate men >_> i should become a flat out lesbian...

....for you little star.... 07:28 p.m.

Saturday, November 16, 2002
....ongaku wa: Brian McNight: anytime>>

do i ever cross your mind, anytime, do you ever wake up reaching out for me? do i ever cross your mind, anytime, i miss you d00d i've been acting wierd latley, downloading some WHAM! and Chris Issac O_O! but d00d i love george michael AND chris issac so i can download them, it doesn't make me less of a... uhh..... girl? anyway, yesterday i have NO idea why but i had the best fucking day. first hour, mr. smith was gone we took a gay test and then i went to math, it was the same old thing blah, went to studyhall, looked at last years yearbook and it was pretty cool because i found the japanese club picture... nyahahaha... O_O! and alex kept showing me her boyfriend Demitri or something. hes a freshman in college now. >D they are like 3 years apart its great! i dunno, then i went to english..... O_O and d00d! i raised my grade from a F/D- to an A- i was like WTFH!!! O_O!!!!!! then i had studyhall and japanese blah blah blah, went shopping after school and went to hottopic and got a t-shirt that has mario on it and it has small mario + mushroom = big mario. but this is all illustrated in images, mind you. then i went to walden books and got #4 & 5 of the sweep series and this one book that looked intresting its called something like "great, now im the girlfriend of a sex god" i dunno, i kinda realized reading the first page its somewhat juvenile yeah.. but i started reading #4 of da sweep series and i was like '*-*! squeegasm!' but i know something BAD is going to happen. O_O and like, my mood will change for some odd reason. >>;; dont ask.. im wierd when it comes to books... well i think its about time i change the layout, i've been looking for images latley to use, but i dont know what kind of motif i want... its odd... my stomach hurts, im going to get some breakfast.. mmmm chicken pot pieee-ah... X/ shaun, get yer buns online so i shall spank them ;-;! omg i miss you *clings to shaun and glues myself to him* T__T!!! FOOTBALL IS EEEVIL!!!!!

....for you little star.... 09:41 a.m.

Thursday, November 14, 2002
....ongaku wa: ......>>

I feel really sick. oh yeah... monday i got glasses. they are black rimmed and eeeeverything.... i might post pictures later.. well anyway. i feel very sick, but in-tune to my surroundings... like i just had a circle or something... very odd but nobody will really understand what im talking about so i dont really think i will get into detail about it. i just finished #3 of the sweep series, getting #4 sometime in the near future, hopefully i'll get 5,6, and 7 along with that so i dont have to wait, i could just move on to the next. anyway... i went to first hour today, because yesterday i was taken out of japanese class twice first to see mrs. jordan she told me that if i skipped first hour one more time i would be dropped with an f... and then her and i got off subject and started talking about what college i want to go to, i told her i wanted to go to an art college possibly in pennsylvania... O_O d00d that spelling almost looks right... HAH.. then i told her that my main choices are chicago or san fransisco... blah blah blah i left went back to japanese class, was there for about 10 minutes, another phonecall, go talk to mrs koch, my counselor. i talked to her about... like... what classes i wanted to take and Joe, wierdly enough ¬¬;;! i went to my 8th hour and blah blah blah, went home. today i went to my classes and im planning on having my 2nd quarter grades being extremley good... so then my semester grade will average out good. i went to japanese class feeling deadly sick.. my back felt very hot... >_> not like joe is into sending me witch messages or anything, but he was sending me odd messages..... i was like, whatever and blocked them out and rested my head on my hand and thought about how shitty i felt and then about verbs... blah blah.. now, im really tired, and i have about... 20 minutes until i have to go meet christina in her bio class, but in the perfect timing to where joe has already left.. >> the kid needs to be 'dealt with'.. lol no violence, im just tired... hahaha

....for you little star.... 01:41 p.m.

Tuesday, November 12, 2002
....ongaku wa: EEEEEEEEEEEEK.....>>

im so fucking tired right now its crazy...... I have fucking studyhall all fucking day so like, i should be home right now sleeping... maybe i should've gone to first hour... pfft.. ill go thursday... i was late fer school today..... whee explain laaater!

....for you little star.... 08:40 a.m.

Monday, November 11, 2002
....ongaku wa: uhh.. nikki and i is talking.. oO;;>>

my hands hurt. really bad. but my whole body hurts today. im doing my usual thing when im tired and i'm skipping first hour... i doubt i will second... maybe i will... i dont know, i need to go to my 2nd hour math class ONE of these days. im super tired. this morning i rolled up in a ball and put all my covers over my head until my mom told me to get up... which i waited for 10 minutes and finally got my ass up to brush my hair... i curled the ends of my hair today because i was bored... i was pissed because magically a stain appeared on my Jimmy Eat World t-shirt in which is my favorite shirt because Melissa got it for me. but i cant really wear it anymore because all these gay ass stains magically appear and i think its because someone wears it..... ::coughs:: somebodys girlfriend... ::coughs:: my brothers... what the fuck ever.. well... Nikki just told me something like.. funny.. so... im laughing on the inside.. because i have to shush... its a library.. yeaaah... im sad over nothing now a days... O_O... i swear, i need like... happy pills..... o_o..... bye.....

....for you little star.... 07:48 a.m.

Sunday, November 10, 2002
....ongaku wa: tatu: all the things she said>>

last night i had a party at brynns house. omg... lets just say i just took 4 asprin and im about ready to go back to bed. it was crazy... eventually it ended up all girls and we locked ourselves in the bathroom... i went into the shower, closed the doors and flashed everyone my boobehs with my bra on... which me and the other megan had the smallest boobs there... me and megan were like ;-;! anyway... it was overall really cool, shaun, no guys did anything, i didn't even aknowlege their presence. my fingernails are painted really fucked up like... maybe i should take it off... anyway.. this morning we all walked up to dahls to get breakfast, i had an expresso with cream and biscuits w/ gravy.. it sucked (except the expresso)but it filled me up. i had a bunch of fun and we planned another party next weekend at christinas and they are planning to get high, they respect me because i dont want to and whatnot. i will stay there and just chill with them. but i wont chip in to get a few bags of ganja. that will be fun too. i can just imagine waking up with random girls and guys all passed out everywhere as i smirk at them and say "pfft.... hah im sober" i miss shaun tho. ;-;! i hate that sometimes we dont get to talk. probably because i want to talk to him as much as i talk to my friends or like, hang out with him or 'chill' with him... or something... dunno... i just dont like not having him here >_> the miles bother me. but i can take it for the time being.. i had some funky dreams last night it was coo... o yeah, i have to go to delias.com to order a magazine! ja ne minna

....for you little star.... 11:03 a.m.

Saturday, November 2, 2002
....ongaku wa: Michael Jackson: keep it in the closet>>

I woke up at like... 7... unfortunatley... i had some funked up dreams... i skipped Current Issues as usual and i went to the library, avoiding joe nicley, who was there being unusually open. i sat at my own table and for some odd reason i was holding a copy of my birth certificate.. lol, then the bell rang, he came up to me and said something about taxes and gave me his keys "...so heres my car". i think the only reason why i dreamt about that was because i totally want his car. its red O_O!..... but i found one a billion times better than his..... and he can drool over it all he wants. >/ the fucker won't even be able to lay a dirty fingah on it. NYAHAHA... i spent alot of time in the anime chat yesterday. nothing has really changed, but when i got in... it was all n00bs... and i was freaking out because Jess, Tim and Joe were away so they couldn't tell me the pass so i could use them as kick-toys... i was freaking out until Jess came and told me the pass which was aply "weirdpeopleareweird" lol.. not knowing that i was 'in trouble' i was having an extremley good day... Graham got out of jail, and hes just on probation for a while...(OMG THESE BOOTS ARE SO COOL) and we got tacos and i got in a very generous nap before i made any plans... blah blah blah around 10 or so shaun got on... the first thing he said was "im going to bed, i'm cold" and then he started bitching to me about an e-mail i sent that said the following:
because
i
am
a
man
of
the
sea!!!!!! >8D!!!

::heart heart:: megan
i sent it to a few of my friends that were in my address book on that name.. blah blah blah and one of the friends was calvin. he sent back an e-mail to the same people (in which included shaun) that said the following:
well
oh
yeah
I'm
the
KING
of
the
sea!
harharhar

calvin
hah and i just got one from chibi that said "well... im the empress of the sea! and everyone knows that empresses are more powerful that EVERYBODEH! O_O!"... see... its just a simple laugh... and he makes a big deal out of it like i am in love with calvin or something because a few days or so ago my msn name was "calvin playing ddr in a domokun costume: i give it an A for effort!" because earlier that day Alex and i were talking about this one guy that was grading kids drawings and giving them all f's and it was halarious. and when i got back from school i saw calvin had a link on his aol profile that said "THEH VIDEO!" and i downloaded it... it was a 3-5 second video of him at sugoicon (that he went to earlier last month) and hes wearing his domokun costume playing ddr... its funny.. and i bet it was really hard to do that as well... thats why my name was that, shaun. and you knew that because i told you when you asked me. and the calvin e-mail thing... he sent it to everyone i sent it to.. and the ::heart heart:: thing is pretty stupid to get mad at me about... and now im not going to keep apoligizing to you because i find no reason in doing so. he just got online, bitched at me and made me feel like complete shit when i was happy... and got offline... i hate that...

....for you little star.... 07:58 a.m.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002
....ongaku wa: Utada Hikaru: Time Will Tell>>

I'm Gackt!

Take the Malice Mizer personality test by Mania and Dementia!

duh, i saw that coming :shrugs: yes... i am the female version of gackt.. only... not like. uhh.. i dunno... well today sucked for some reason. i got up and i honestly didn't care how i looked so i just ran downstairs and got my jeans in the dryer and a t-shirt or two... brushed my hair, put on my beanie and waited fer mom... we went to JCs and i got a cappucino. i waited for christina and we walked around, talked to blake. (hes such a whore... i dunno, he has an obesession with thinking i am slut >/) but he kissed this one girl with a mullet and at the same time was saying how him and christina should hook up... i wanted to kinda kick him.. ya... you know where. but i was in an okay mood until japanese. i just really wanted to reach behind me and slap that joe kid. i dont know what the fuck his problem is. i dont even know him i dont know why he thinks he has the right to be a complete and major JERK! god i am glad that its a 3 day weekend so i dont have to put up with him for a day longer than needed. pfft... he needs to learn to be nice to girls otherwise he is going to die a lonley kid. not like i care =

....for you little star.... 07:03 p.m.

Monday, October 28, 2002
....ongaku wa: Kick yourself in the head weeman>>

nyahahaha.. my friend, megan went to go see Jackass and i was like "BAM!". lol. anne is here and i told her "think of me on happy pills" she said "oh god" well yeah.. thats a good reaction. lol, just think.. if im depressed and im on happy pills, i'd just be plain happy, but if im happy and im on happy pills, id be genki... SCARY genki... o_O

....for you little star.... 02:20 p.m.

Sunday, October 27, 2002
....ongaku wa: Britney Spears: don't let me be the last to know>>

MEGAN IS LISTENING TO BRITNEY SPEARS.. yes okay people, i did like the girl at the begining, then i liked the song 'dont let me be the last to know' but i hate her now, shes a ho-bag. but im not saying shes a bitch... but she probably is... i love this song tho. lol i used to cry listening to it. because i remember i took brynns cd of this and i had it for a long time... i wanna feel the way you feel <<-- that lyric like, makes the song shitty... AAAAAA headache.. lets see.. i woke up and it seemed like it was 11 or 12 or something because my mom was running around the house telling my cat "why dont you wake up your little girl tigger?" i couldn't move because malenkio found a comfortable sleeping place on my legs. gah, damn cat. i was so cold and tired i didn't want to get my ass up, but i did anyway, ate 2 mini blueberry muffins and got online, and im planning on going back to bed......... :looks at watch: NOW

....for you little star.... 10:58 a.m.

Saturday, October 26, 2002
....ongaku wa: Nelly Furtado: shit on the radio>>

whee i woke up an hour ago. and i whined at my mom how i shouldn't be grounded anymore because i cleaned my room... and... i took all the bottles of whatever soda, water, juice i had all this schoolyear so far... and i made a tower by my cd player (it looks pretty wierd... but hey, what more can you expect from ME!) hah.. well... this morning i got up and i walked into my moms room and i screamed my ass off because i walked in and john was walking around in his black BRIEFS... EW!!!!! fat middle aged men :shudders: i love my sexy not middle aged man, thank you. :hugs shaun: anyway... after i was like "GODDAMMIT GET YOUR FUCKING ASS IN THE BATHROOM TO DO THAT SHIT!" (unquote... yeah... i cursed >D!) i walked into my room and looked through a victorias secret magazine where i picked out some clothes and panties fer myself ^-^! uhh.. after that i showed mama what i wanted... and i whined to her, she gave in... and here i am now. i am most likley going to go and see Jackass today. hopefully. i dont really want to go to any sort of party i want to stay home tonight. which i do most every night, my friends are trying to unpurify me! lol, me and some of my friends were talking about how i radiate purity. XD! nya... ha... ha... ::changes winamp to 'lifestyles of the rich and famous':: hah >D imma hardcore Good Charlotte bitch now. hahaha. omg i just said something to mike very wierd...

xhikari no aix: lol i could if i would
xhikari no aix: ...
xhikari no aix: wait.. thats the other way around..
Rockies87: lol
xhikari no aix: dont make fun of me BITCH
Rockies87: MEOW
Rockies87: ...boo

yeah... well... my grammar is fucked for the day! well lets see whats on my agenda for the weekend. i have to go to walgreens or something to get black eyeliner... and probably hair color because i need to color my hair... which will either be blue black, very dark maroon or very dark purple. nya..ha..ha.. its for haloween.. i need a hair straightener as well. yes i know my hair is naturally straight... bone straight at that, but i need it to look... FREAKY STRAIGHT!!! yeah, i think at school for haloween on thursday im going as a ghetto kyo/visual kei sort of thing.. im going to do my research... nyahaha... matta ne, my nipples are cold...... EEE

....for you little star.... 12:51 p.m.

Friday, October 25, 2002
....ongaku wa: Norah Jones: i dont know why>>

I think i have turned into a Jazz whore... kidding of course, im still punk. >D! yeah, i had ISS today. and it wasn't that bad, only bad thing was that i was kept in a room with a bunch of smelly boys, and me being the only girl there i was quote 'fresh meat' unquote, kidding. but they were extremeley nice, seriously, it was sickening. i laughed... hah... there i laughed again. but anyway, i've known most of these kids for awhile. setback, one kid puked and then another kid took a pill before the bell rang and by the end of the day he was tweeking and whatnot, it was funny at first, but then after a little bit i was like "um... are you okay?" hes fine. :shrugs: he stopped shaking hysterically. after school i was seriously tweeked, i kept shaking and yelling.. probably because i was quite happy that i was free....... hah..... beat that jerrid i DID survive... one thing i cant survive through at the moment: WHERE THE FUCK IS SHAUN T_T!!!

....for you little star.... 10:59 p.m.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002
....ongaku wa: Avril Lavigne: why>>

ah... so what, i skipped a few classes every now and then... every week... usually daily... so i have ISS (in school suspension) for some odd reason i feel really BAD eventhough im about as pure as it gets. Andrew, Andy, Christina and some other people and i were talking about how i look quite... unpure but i am.... very pure.. anyway... after school i get to go on the metro around west des moines with my friends and we are going down to the 1/2 pipe to meet some people. i dunno who, courntney just wanted christina and i to go. im just a good friend, okay? as long as there aren't any guys there that are in the mood to really piss me off i will be okay. :D! oh yeah, btw, im grounded... from the computer. hahah kinda stupid, ne? this morning i woke up in front of the tv (with it on) and it was all fuzzy like it is in the begining of the tape in "the ring" so i was scared shitless and i ran into my moms room and had her hold me. lol and i was really pissed at her as well, but i needed to be held, seriously, i started to cry thinking that if i didn't watch the tv (thinking that the tape was going) the girl was going to crawl out of the tv and scare me to death! (keep in mind that it was 5 o'clock in the morning and i have a VERY large imagination in the morning because i am going to be..... quite tired) and i literally started to shake... so anyway after about 20 minutes of clinging to my 'mommy'. her and i went into the living room to watch the news, the truth was, i guess the cable was fucking up and every now and then all that came out was static. hah i feel really stupid... and i bet that for the rest of the week i wont be able to really.... sleep... blarg.... wheeeeee <-- thats supposed to be some site my friends made over this studyhall... i am going to go and check it out now. 8o matta ne. shaun: omg i love you and i miss you T______T *crawls into a ball and cries to myself*

....for you little star.... 02:08 p.m.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002
....ongaku wa: Shiina Ringo: can't take my eyes off you (cover)>>

it's been a pretty good day, i started my day out with yelling at john and my mom, because i couldn't find my key for the house and john was yelling at me asking how i will get back into the house and i just yelled back "ya know if i had my key i would know how i could get in the goddamn house" and then my mom kept yelling at me because i think she was only doing it because John was doing it. she was super pissed for no reason and it was because i couldn't find my goddamn key... she told me that i am grounded from the computer until i find my key. well wouldn't that be kinda dumb, because its not my fault if i cant find my key, and grounding me from MY OWN computer wouldn't get me to straighten up and not lose my key accidentally anymore. :shrugs: pfft...bitch... well i just finished lunch and i am skipping art. i cant stand to have an hour and 1/2 of art today. im not in the mood to be artistic. we are starting our figures unit so we are going to start drawing people, something i can do... somewhat. blah... but i had p.e today and we had to get into the pool fully clothed. it sucked... i dunno why, but it was so wierd because we had to take our clothes off in the deep end (something lik 10 feet) and throw them all the way into the shallow end. funny... lol... haahaha.. well i will write more 7th hour if i don go home. i like cheese

....for you little star.... 11:50 a.m.

Monday, October 21, 2002
....ongaku wa: Santana ft. Michelle Branch: game of love>>

eee... im cold... i took a little nap watching DBZ when i got home. on the couch and in front of the tv of course... i doubt that tonight im going to be able to sleep much tonight as well. but... i am going to try. because i know its just a movie and everything but it seriously scared the shit out of me for some apparent reason. and today at school i noticed alot of my friends went to go see it as well and it scared them too. so im NOT as much as a wuss as everyone thinks! fine kazaa be a bitch, i WON'T download anything! blah... bitches... i never noticed how uncomfortable thongs were until today... okay... how about having a piece of cloth up your ass all day!? *grrr* well im going to chill........ and listen to music-ah

....for you little star.... 07:13 p.m.

Monday, October 21, 2002
....ongaku wa: Santana ft. Michelle Branch: game of love>>

lol, i think im going to change the layout and make a layout like... based off of this song. 8D squeegasm so please tell my why, you don't come around here no more, cause right now im crying outside the door of your candy store. just takes a little bit of this, a little bit of that, it started with a kiss and we are up to bat a little bit of laughs a little bit of pain, im telling you babe its all in this game of love.. >D i love this damn song! ok... well.. it's 6... i woke up at 4 in my bed alone :sad panda face used in the forums...: wierd thing. my playlist on winamp consists of 438 songs... i feel so insignificant... ow shit, ive been biting the inside of my bottom lip all morning (ive been awake since 4.... @_# im a little edgy this morning DONT FUCK WITH ME >8D)and uhh... its bleeeeding mmmm bloooooodd 89 ok people, by now you should know, i AM a freak of nature that enjoys the taste of her own blood at times... hm... maybe i should make breakfast this morning... a cup of coffee and scrambled eggs sounds good *-* too bad im really lazy... and whatnot... :sigh: i'll go start scrambling the eggs........... bitch.

....for you little star.... 06:05 a.m.

Sunday, October 20, 2002
....ongaku wa: White Stripes: fell in love with a girl>>

still wearing the clothes i was wearing last night... you can tell i am quite tired. i just woke up. i got some SLEEP last night and it felt good. but i slept on the couch..... but its a leather couch, so its good. and i watched tv. but its digital cable, so its good. its all good... :shrugs: not really but it doesn't hurt to say so. well... around 11 yesterday i told her that i would go to the STUPID wedding she was going to attend IF she took me to borders... she said maybe and i said "well maybe i will go to the wedding" she said we will go before we go to grandmas to pick her up. so i thought to myself damn... going to a damn wedding. purposley i dressed VERY casual and goth. nyahaha scaring relatives is so fun. but alot of them seemed to like my black sweater with saftey pins in it. especially this one guy that was being a little too.. nice for his own good. whenever i go to weddings i know im related to about 90% of the guys there. so i refuse to even be touched by them, unless they are old and they are like "i haven't seen you since you were THIIIIIIIS big" and whatnot. This one guy was named Robbie, and is resembled Hilgren (aka god and atashi no guitar teacher) i acted quite like a bitch to him which i am not exactly sorry for but... i felt sorry for him. i asked my mom and im NOT related to him. :shudders: ew why... and when he wanted me to dance with him i said flatly "um, no... im attached" and seriously, i moved one of my rings to my ring finger... nyahahah...... he believed me. probably because everyone thought i looked over 21 (i took that to my benefit and had a couple cups of blush white wine) aaand i set my digital camera to be in japanese so nobody knew how to use it except me. ah my cousin took a picture of me that im going to upload and see if its... decent... hm... no its bad.. :shrugs: well im going to tie up the phoneline for the rest of the morning because i have no life 8(...

....for you little star.... 09:34 a.m.

Saturday, October 19, 2002
....ongaku wa: Tyrese: Latley>>

this song is nice... *sits and waits for it to finish* well anyway... last night I went and saw The Ring. Don't laugh at me but, it scared the living shit out of me. Or maybe it was because i found out that Ian works there? No, the movie just scared the shit out of me. I still haven't slept yet. I left my light on in my room, and layed in my bed, with my music on. So I couldn't hear any of the eerie sounds a normal house makes, but. I couldn't stop thinking of it. I tried thinking of Shaun and it worked for a little bit, i slept for about 10 minutes, then I woke up. So I got up and i wrapped myself up in my blanket and I walked into mommas room and said "let me sleep with you please mommy" I ended up just watching t.v in there, there was a special on Bravo about Harry Connick JR. I tried to close my eyes for a little bit and listen and I did that for awhile, then John shut off the t.v and I yelled at him and told him to turn it back on, I couldn't stand the silence. Well... they DO snore pretty loud. Very loud as a matter of fact. But that's not the point. THE MOVIE SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME and I had my eyes closed for 1/2 of it. Okay well... I was thinking last night... ah I like this song. ('days go by' by dirty vegas) I really want to go get some manga today or something. My mom owes me like... $120 worth of allowance... i KNEW that if I had an allowance I would never get it because she is so 'forgetful'. and if I told her that she owed me that much she would get all defencive and say I didn't do what i was asked to do and she wouldn't give it to me until I do so. and if I did do it I would get nothing. AS usual. :shrugs: I dont mind being poor I just don't like it when people lie to me. omg I am so tired... I wish my DSL was working... gah... you know you are an idiot when... you check your junkmail for your own enjoyment. (whee 9 new junkmail messages) one time I got one asking if i wanted to beef up my cock. well... last time i checked i didn't have a cock to beef up so... how about no... Maybe I can talk momma into taking me to Borders. get me a cappucino and a manga book... $15 bucks. i say.. i will go to the wedding tonight if she takes me out to do THAT... hah bribery is my greatest talent... oh.. yeah.. yesterday i was walking... alooooone to english class after lunch, and its down by the chior/art/drama wing.. and i passed by this one little room with only a piano (for chior i presume) and there was this guy in there, and i glanced at him for a second and when i already passed he started playing moonlight sonata... i swear, i turned around for a minute and i was shaking... I started to walk faster towards the drama wing where my english class is... I was freaked out, that was the mood i was in... i just played moonlight sonata the whole night before while i was sleeping and it totally creeped me out how he was playing it when I passed by....october sucks....

....for you little star.... 10:26 a.m.

Friday, October 18, 2002
....ongaku wa: Shiina Ringo: creep (radiohead cover)>>

i just got back from japanese class... therefore i'm in studyhall... japanese sucked... i stood behind joe for about 2 minutes and i started shaking really bad... i walked into the classroom and kanai sensei told me something which i forgot and i started to cry and shake really bad. they asked what was wrong and all i said was 'hanashii waa'... i wanted to throw my desk at joe.. i hate him... so much. and when i was going over my speech with kanai sensei i wanted to say "i dont want him to be there when i'm doing my speech" and when she says "doshite?" i will respond with "kirai.." he hasn't honestly really done anything WRONG to me directly. but he has... and i just want him to go away. and leave me alone... which won't be a problem. anyway... to talk about my day, it was pretty shitty, i got to school around 7:20 i walked in the door, i was hounded by friends asking if i was okay since i was gone for one day... i replyed with 'no' and i found christina and we walked around our usual thing. i got to current issues and i wrote two pages. then i had math and i went to the office to get my admit... hah... forgetting that i skipped class on wedsnday. went around to studyhall, which i just sat with my headphones on and did my japanese homework. then blah blah blah my day went on and i went to all my classes. i basically moped around. kinda slowly walking through the halls with my head down wishing i was sleeping. but i couldn't sleep because of the teachers that keep their eye on me so i dont blow something up... or worse, fall esleep. damn... but yeah... i let out some shit and i cried... its not supposed to feel this way, its not supposed to hurt this way i need you and i need you tell me, are you and me still together, tell me, you think we could last forever? tell me... why i wrote a whole poem/song on the seat of one of the tables outside a week or so ago... the table needed more writing on it... more than the shit thats already on it. aa kanashii waa... next studyhall i should just walk home.. but theres nothing for me at home.. so i will wait and then i will draw all 8th hour, then i will sit on my bench.. waiting.. ahh that reminds me... i had a dream last night. it was odd... but i liked it. and i know it wont come true because of current events that have happened this week but, ya know... dreaming is what keeps me alive...

....for you little star.... 01:34 p.m.

Thursday, October 17, 2002
....ongaku wa: moonlight sonata...>>

never knew i could feel like this, like ive never seen the sky before, want to vanish inside your kiss... everyday im loving you more and more... listen to my heart can you hear it sing... telling me to give you everything... seasons may change... winter to spring... but i love you... until the end..of..time... saa.. today.. i didn't go to school. it has come to the point to where i don't want to be awake anymore... i want to always be in deep sleep and live in my dreams... my dreams are more real than my reality. kanashii waa... to... sabashii waa... demo... nakanai.. soshite... kowakunai... demo... watashi... nakitoosu... watashi no kimochi wa... warui desu yo... shinu okay. well. i wrote something close to that on the... dry/erase thing on the refrigerator. my mom was like 'damn' because it was kinda long what i wrote. i woke up this morning crying and screaming, one of those dreams where i was trying to scream and i was trying to so hard in reality that i couldn't breathe and when i finally wake up i do scream. they scare the hell out of me. i layed back in my bed and i cried myself back to sleep, when my mom got up i cried her name told her i was sick and left it at that. she called school and claimed i was sick. im a good actress i presume. i am sick. but. its odd... i've been depressed this week. and ive been sleeping for everything... keeping myself from crying or hurting myself in front of others. last night i came home and slept i slept until about 9. i got online after dinner hoping shaun would be on. the usual fight. and... its come to the point to where i have no more energy to fight... i just sit here and cry and read the words. i can't think i just do... he said i yelled at him for asking a question about malice mizer. and i have the conversation saved because of my bot, but i just dont want to look... i can't cry to him anymore, i know he loves me but for some odd reason i feel an aura of coldness coming from him, to where i cant tell him anything. he says that if i have him i cant be lonley... (sabashii waa..) but i am.. and having us fight makes me feel so alone... i have nobody to come to here... melissa is in las vegas and papa is gone and shaun doesn't understand. and he has no idea how much it hurts to have to keep everything in a notebook and have to have nobody to hug you when you cry for hours on end. today when i woke up from sleeping.. around... 7 or so, i started to read conversations i had with him. one of them i was so happy... my screename was "farfie the genki lesbian attacked me in the shower" or something of the sort. it was intresting to read. :shrugs: i think i need a book... that reminds me... john was supposed to get me that one book... i need a new book of shadows... mine is almost full, maybe this weekend i will go and buy that one that is so perfect for me... its little, and its red leather, it has a tiny heart on it. its beautiful yet simple, what can you expect when it was made in italy. it draws my attention. i am going to get off soon, i doubt hes going to get online tonight so i wont get to talk to him and tomarrow is friday, so... you know what that means.. i AM going to lipservice tomarrow, then coming home and sleeping... for a long time...

....for you little star.... 07:28 p.m.