xx xx
Saturday, April 9, 2005

after phuture, the o bar and bak kut teh, char lilian bernard alan and i had a great time at char's house swimming pool for the entire wednesday night. lying on deck chairs, gazing at the beautiful velvet sky and the clear blue waters that shimmered and glistened in the dark. It was pure relaxation, topped with tonnes of laughters and funny conversations. being with these few people was simply enough. :) the two gays enlisted yesterday and they're in the same bunk! haha. what luck.

i went back for training with meilin yesterday. i really wished i was back in the team. i want to do all the drills, footwork and pt again. to be pushed to my limits physically and experience the rush and motivation on court. and of course, to feel the drive within me and my team as we strive towards our common goal. for something in common we love that brought us together. life without passion and aim is so tasteless.

okay, and i need a break from all these shit. let me tell you something. i shudder all the time. you see, i cannot fathom the muddy pool of thoughts swimming behind your eyes. nor can i comprehend the intricate web of lies and ulterior motives you have up your sleeves. you never speak from your heart and everything you say is so contradictory. i can't seem to appreciate your style of doing things. actually, i abhor it. i see that you're just disillusioned and there's no need to mess up two lives. with this, i'm washing my hands off this whole matter.

basking in your sunset at 04:48 p.m.

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xx upon realization xx
Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Sometimes I find myself living in a satire. It’s excruciatingly mocking to have everything coming back to you. realizing how revolting you can be when people do to you what you’ve done to others before. ( Well, I mean mild, harmless things. ) It’s like having a mirror shoved right before you, reflecting your bare naked self before it crumbles into shards of broken pieces. Only then did I realize why my reactions towards certain people and situations had been such an enigma. I couldn’t bear to see myself manifested in the images of others. It wasn’t the people or the ideas I couldn’t come to terms with. It was myself.

by the way, I had a really terrible nightmare yesterday. Until now, the thought of it sends chills down my spine. It wasn’t those spooky ones where long-haired white figures pranced about, nor was it those where a pack of hungry foxes were chasing me. It’s a very normal dream yet so queer and haunting in its own way. Disturbs me so much I could almost think that it’s real.

in case you think that I really detest my job to the core due to my past entries, well, not really la. At least it’s a test of my patience and pushing its limits further. Ha ha. I never thought I could bottle up so many frustrations. I mean, only to release them later over here. Anyways I gonna quit at the end of april due to the India trip. Yes, I anticipate some faces filled with shock and surprise. Come ask me why and I’ll fill in the details. :)

basking in your sunset at 02:25 p.m.

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xx queueing up xx
Saturday, April 2, 2005

I'm at work now and i see a frightening long queue in front of me. Nahh, don't worry. they are all queueing at Courts (not opened yet) next to starhub for some coupons i think and the line of anxious human beings extends all the way to the shop next to the shop next to the shop... Funny huh, singaporeans? They're always ever willing to wait hell of a long time for any free gifts but never fail to flare up when their starhub queue number didn't flash in the last fifteen minutes. Claims like they still have work to do, they come all the way from pasir ris (and yes, i work in tampines), they don't have time to queue up.. guess it's hard to believe them anymore. Hey, i just spotted a guy in office wear!

oh freak. i just attended a disgusting customer. i issued him a queue number (only two people in queue) but he shouted that we kept referring him here and there and he queued the last time and he refused to queue. poor guy, he got so agitated coz he had to queue behind two customers. he said we offer very bad service and literally snatched the queue ticket away from me. Oh look behind you at the patient courts customers! Learn from them please!

i wish i can work at the call centre! you can spout rubbish, earn much more and most importantly, you don't get to see customers' angry faces and condescending looks of disapproval. it's so much worse than just angry voices. trust me. nobody wants a pathetic piece of bill thrown at you for nothing.

on the other hand, malay guys are the nicest.

went out with lilian the other day. we earned ourselves great purchases and tired feet. it was really great catching up with her! juniors' chalet was not bad too. alan, char, bernard, zherui and i had a funny time singing ktv at katong shopping mall in the middle of the night. the place was really shady and we came out reeking of cigarette smoke and jumpy at any gang-fight-like shouts. it was great to be in the company of familiar faces again. guess i really missed their presence after two months of bitter customers and seeming isolation. char and i went to the beach and climbed up the rocky cliff thingy. Laid there listening to the gentles waves lapping and feeling the balming cool breeze brushing against our skin. it was so comfortable we were immediately lulled to sleep.

met up with jill, min and meilin last night for dinner. i'm so tickled by jillian's stories in school! :)

okie, please pray that my computer will behave itself soon.

basking in your sunset at 10:46 a.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx xx
Friday, March 25, 2005

I realise i really miss my class. Would really love to have a chalet again. Funnily, you lose touch with those that are close to your heart and forge stronger bonds with those you weren't so close to. gosh, I'm so tired of trying.

Anyway special thanks to alan and bernard. You guys simultaneously asked me to wear a mask the next time i see you in different msn windows. -_-" Okay fine i'm rather tickled by it actually.

basking in your sunset at 03:28 a.m.

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xx and i am not xx
Wednesday, March 23, 2005

audio: "you're a god" by vertical horizon

Had a fun time with the girl who trips over her own legs and looks at non-existent mirrors. Hehehe! Shan't disclose her name over here in case i embarrass her. :) Did "stitching" and shopping and basically catching up. Walked around town alone after that while waiting for rachel and boon. i realised shopping alone ain't that bad after all! Well, not an entire day by myself though. Had dinner, walked around and sat down to talk with the girls. Boon and i were like complaining about starhub customers. Hahaha. After four straight consecutive working days, i really appreciate being able to sit down with the girls and catch up. It's always like that. I bet after i quit, i'll complain about having nothing to do. Too much time on my hands. Just like how it was before i got my job. Nahh, human beings can never be satisfied. Had a weird encounter with this stranger while we were at new urban guy. (i never knew that was a gay shop till rachel told us!) It made me realise maybe we really made too much noise while studying in bishan cc in j1. :/

With the memories of the people who have left, we carry on with our lives. taken from "glass shoes" which was the last episode today. perhaps we shouldnt harp too much on the loss of anything we used to have. but to look forward and walk on with everything still etched in our minds. let them be memories and comfort, not emptiness that holds us down.

basking in your sunset at 01:17 a.m.

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xx jiu shi ai ni ai zhe ni xx
Tuesday, March 22, 2005

audio: "Jiu Shi Ai Ni" by David Tao

After days and days of delay, i finally went jogging with kellyn! We had to choose to run after our closing shift. I ended up eating my supper at midnight after running. I know i know. Totally defeats the purpose. It was a rather refreshing and short run after so many weeks of not exercising. I could just not bother about anything else and simply savour the beauty of the night. You know, the feeling of just chucking everything aside. We should do this more often!

It's really so hard cramming so many things in just two rest days in a week. And so many people i wanna meet up with. Mich and han, mahjong soon okay!

Wahaha just had a very very crappy and lame msn conversation with queen! Oh my goodness. can't believe that idiott.

basking in your sunset at 03:50 a.m.

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xx just close your eyes and i'll take you there xx
Thursday, March 17, 2005

audio :"Someday" by sugar ray

Work's really taken its toll on me. Forget about the loads of outings i had to forgo due to the retail hours, or all the quiet times i couldnt have and tv programmes i've missed. It's really the job itself.

Yesterday, this nice and civilised-looking guy about my age came to aprilyn and i at the info counter. He said he wanted to trade-in his phone and brought out this box with a handphone inside. As usual, we referred him to the starhub retail shop located at the other side. (for those who's confused, ours is customer care centre. no phones, no nothing) The he started frowning and got really irritated and kept insisting on trading in and transferring and that he just bought his phone and stuff. (he sounded so cocky by the way) We were really puzzled by what he really wanted so we politely tried to suggest what he wanted. Note: politely although he was so frustrated with us already. Then while we were explaining halfway, he actually had the nerve to throw us a really disgusted look and stormed off halfway while we were still talking to him! HOW RUDE!!! i went "wow that's really rude" quite loudly i wondered if he heard. This customer behind him was looking at him as he stormed off, shocked and surprised at his behaviour too.

SO WHAT IF YOU'RE FROM RSAF!!!!!!!!

Well, that customer really pissed me off totally. One may not be able to comprehend why such frustration over such a trivial matter, but well, if you were to stand there all day long and had faced all sorts of annoying people, i swear you would feel it too. Have i mentioned already? I'm tired of facing angry people who refused to queue and got angry when i gave them queue numbers (you mean you don't queue in toilets, you just barged into people's cubicles??), people who come tapping on the table rather impolitely, interrupting me while i'm serving other customers, shouting at me and scolding me when their lines were suspended, talking to me with a condescending tone, throwing me disgusted looks whenever i referred them to the retail shop or told them they can't do this and that because they didn't bring any documents to verify. And this and that and those.

Wahahaha. Sounds really angsty. But oh wells, i can't get angry for long. Maybe that's why i'm still keeping this job. Anyways, both kellyn and i agreeed that those annoying customers are mostly those office, smart-looking guys who can be really really arrogant. It's really really surprising.

I finally satisfied my few months of craving for black pepper crabs earlier on! Just treated my family to dinner coz i got my first pay. it's been long since we've sat down together and ate. :)

I feel like i'm getting numb to the surroundings and people around me. Used to feel so much. Somehow, i'm morphing into someone i don't know anymore. I rather stay at home and relax at times. I just hope this is a passing phase. Everything passes so rapidly i keep getting left behind.

basking in your sunset at 11:08 p.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx helpless xx
Sunday, March 13, 2005

After going through all the trouble and pain, i'm back to square one. sigh. was just browsing through the university of melbourne's website and there are really exotic courses offered there! ancient greek, forest science, arabic studies, anthropology, so many so many! and my dream - astronomy. but seriously, if only they would let me enrol for free. i'll be spoilt for choices. like geography and environmental studies, zoology, veterinary science or marine biology. right now? i'm just stuck with nothing that interests me at all. and if only i am one who can articulate, speak with confidence and argue well. and a good gp grade of course. i'll definitely take law. it's so cool. was with rachel at the faculty of law tour today and the courtroom was so solemn and professional. Really cool. Gosh. The deadline is pressing near and i'm really h e l p l e s s .

basking in your sunset at 03:01 a.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx i still light up like a candleburn
everytime we touch xx
Friday, March 11, 2005

audio: "still" by macy gray

I need to watch a good movie. I mean one that provokes my thoughts and stirs my emotions, intrigues me as the plot unravels and leaves me full of satisfaction and in awe at the end of the film, wishing it'll never end. I need to stop wasting my money on a-okay movies like series and hitch.

Happy birthday sinhweee!! It's so corny how the cute lead singer pronounced your name as he sang you the special birthday song. hope you love your surprise and presents!

It's annoying, really. Knowing that i can never get into the course i want because i never took biology. it's like how that gorgeous top looks so good on the hanger but you can't buy it coz they don't have your size. Or worse still, it's the only gorgeous one around.

basking in your sunset at 02:11 a.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx i just wanna live xx
Tuesday, March 8, 2005

audio: "i just wanna live" by good charlotte

Whoa, i just spent twelve hours in town today. Went ktv with alan, char and bernard. I cannot help but exclaim again that my dear alan can imitate jay chou and jacky cheung really well! Ahhh, can't believe i just praised you over here but in any case, i mean to say you have no style of your own. Heeee. Went to highlight my hair at fox after that while the rest walked around. Quite happy with my hair though i should have just done full highlight instead of partial. Not worth the money you see. Boon came after work and we all watched hitch at lido. a pretty funny show i must say. will smith's hot and Eva Mendes is simply gorgeous! her hair, her tan, her classy fashion style and of course, her face!

life's not measured by the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breaths away.

Well, a quote from the movie. hmmmms. walked around with boon after that. took quite a few photos these days. hope i can upload them soon!

basking in your sunset at 12:46 a.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx xx
Monday, March 7, 2005

Ha, i may be getting a complaint. See the shitty people i get to see everyday at work. But anyhow, you can't expect me to smile at a jerk who wasn't showing me any respect.

By the way, i really haven't the slightest inkling what my future will bring. Seems bleak and fraught with uncertainties.

I'm quite jaded. Just feel like retreating and watch the world behind the windowpane. I'm tired of pressing issues and having to make decisions. See the escapist inside me? Just can't help but wonder how good it'll be when the world is just as simple as can be. I'm just so afraid that once i hesitate and stop, the world would abandon me and leave me behind. So loser right. Life's been so smooth-sailing. I've been in my comfort zone for too long.

And you're just a potion i should never have touched.

basking in your sunset at 01:26 a.m.

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xx you're already the voice inside my head xx
Sunday, March 6, 2005

audio: "I miss you" by blink 182

Met lilian in town today and had a great time with her! oh i'm really happy with my purchases! :) Ate dinner with guanhow nelson and lide before heading down to school for talent time. I felt a tad old to be back in school. Just a little lost amidst the hundreds of unfamiliar faces. Anyway, the standard was not bad! My favourites of the night are Love, who won overall champion, the acapella group who totally took my breath away and diya!! I thought i would be reminded of talent time 2003 but nah, it's a totally different feeling already. Still remember cheering excitedly with 69 people for waikit and his team mates who won with their cool basketball dance! Anyways, met meilin and amelia after talent time for supper and meilin went so high again. Her nightly attacks la. Got us laughing like mad at so many things (like spring onion and the lead singer) i teared so hard and my tummy hurt. meilin and her scream cum laughter thingy was so embarrassing again. that girl ah.. hahaha. in the end, i waited like 20 min for my dear 86 and realised i missed the last bus quite long ago. had to search for an atm around the quiet area so that i could take cab home.

happpyy day! plus i discover that someone can be rather friendly and this other someone is really nice. hmmmms.

i'm really enjoying myself whenever i'm not working. but i didnt manage to get mc today. uh oh.

basking in your sunset at 01:47 a.m.

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xx there's just no one that gets me like you do xx
Saturday, March 5, 2005

audio: "Only One" by Yellowcard

Here I go
scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go
there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Finally came back and bathed after such an eventful day! Pun intended. Met charlene and bernard in the afternoon and we gorged ourselves silly and bloated at crystal jade. You see, we thought we should have a good meal before doom arrives. Sorry bernard, char and i just can't help but KEEP teasing about your shortiness! Hee.

Congrats to ah men, yanxi and shan for scoring EIGHT DISTINCTIONS!!! Whoa! At the audi, they were announcing the list of 24 students who scored 8 distinctions and calling them out on stage. And i thought i heard huishan's name being called out, but i wasn't sure. Then i heard Tan Shuyun from 03S69 followed by Tan Yanxi and their names appeared on the screen. I was soooo overwhelmed by emotions i literally cried out of joy for them!!! Char and lilian who were beside me teared hard too. Erm, we're like the only three in class who actually cried for them! Sounds silly and embarrassing actually. :/ They are the only ones from S6! Congrats guys you all did S6 and S69 so so proud!! :)

Queueing up to get my results slip had never felt so nerve-wrecking, seriously. For that split second, i wanted to walk away and not take my results back. My heart was beating really fast! Ha. i realised i still haven't received anything when mrs ong finished distributing the pile of testimonials plus result slips. I was so shocked and she told me it's because i haven't paid my library fine! HOW anti-climax righttt. anyways, i'm really happy and thankful for my results! I couldnt ask for more regarding my grade for econs in fact. I deserved it la, considering i really skipped a considerable number of econs lectures and never any tutorials done. I swear my physics grade was totally unexpected. plus chop and guarantee! i believe there's an error somewhere actually. And hey, i was happy for my C5 grade for GP till many came and asked me why should i be happy for such a grade. Or the lowest grade in their class is B3. Made me doubt my happiness! But heck, i'm a happy and contented girl. You can't ask for everything you want in this world.

Thanks to vernon kangwei jess char xius lina ivy rachel mich kelvin nelson waikit my family sanduo yixiang and zhizhong for the good luck messages! And ayu for the call! I felt really warm and thankful for realising you people's concern. ;) Made me smile!

Went around taking some photos but i didn't get to take with everybody i wanted to! Went to eat in town with sinhui char viv lilian alan bernard seow hong then watched A Series of misfortunate events. Now you get the pun. I am quite speechless about the show. Not in the awe-inspiring way but just, neither here nor there. The plot was quite weird, there wasn't really any climax and the film just simply didn't flow nicely, explain itself or end off properly. Hmmms. Walked for like 45 min with char, zherui and bernard after that trying to find cafes to sit down and talk. Town was so packed! But anyways, am glad i got to spend some time with my class people whom i haven't seen for so long. ;)

So there you go. My results - AAAC. The official end of my JC life. Feels like everything has finally materialised and finalised into something.

basking in your sunset at 01:17 a.m.

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xx neither here nor there xx
Tuesday, March 1, 2005

audio: "Fan Fang Xiang De Zhong" by Jay Chou

I just realise some people, though you know they're always there, you don't really bother about their presence because you all weren't exactly really close. and you're so used to their existence anyway. Well, let's just say i'm beginning to miss people like those now. Sometimes you're so comfortable to the things around you, it's so hard not to take them for granted.

And sometimes you wonder if you're really important to people at all. Now one knows how insecure and over-sensitive i can get.

I'm getting the jitters for my results, really. Never felt like that about exams before. Hmmmms. On the other hand, it'll be really great to meet up with people again.

It feels really inexplicably great to just listen to jay's old songs in the middle of the night, put your crazy thoughts aside for a while and immerse in the fluidity and familiarity of his voice. everything's just so tranquil and peaceful. life should be just like that.

basking in your sunset at 12:58 a.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx smoke gets in your eyes xx
Sunday, February 27, 2005

Yesterday was unexpectedly good. I initially had a bad time travelling here and there just to get my hair cut. (don't ask why.) Turned out that the hairdresser was pretty good and then headed down to do threading. Went to meet meilin in her ugly shirt for her dinner break and i ended up helping her give out leaflets and free gifts! Had a really nice time shopping and walking down the streets of orchard at night. We chanced upon this band at some night cafe and the lead singer was really good! The kind that can sing his way right to your heart and tug at your heart strings. And he sang our favourite songs! Had a lil cosy chat at the mrt station too and caught up a little with alex. This comnig week's gonna be eventful! Tanning, movie, stayover, talentime and URM, results if i'm not wrong. Sigh. I'm about to bear the fruits of my "labour".

basking in your sunset at 10:42 a.m.

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xx pink champagne on ice xx
Saturday, February 26, 2005

audio: "Hotel California" by Eagles

someone freaking kill me please! my friend, i'm so sorry. i can't believe that was me who wasn't there when you needed me most. when you needed to voice out your worries and anxieties and fears and sorrows. at your most helpless. 113. Eeeee me and my bad memory. I promise i'll remember it for life. but actually, i hope you'll never have to say the magic code to me. get what i mean? :)

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
Then she lit up a candle
And she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
You can find it here
You can find it here

basking in your sunset at 02:53 a.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx but the battle wages on for toy soldiers xx
Friday, February 25, 2005

audio: "Like Toy Soldiers" by Eminem

i've been sleeping really late these days. It just seems like the whole day has been so unfulfilling and uneventful at work i couldn't just put an end to it.

anyway, yayy. was thinking about my mum's meat porridge suddenly a few days ago and tada, she cooked it today. by the way, she haven't cooked that for ages. :)

And ooh, "most people are nice, when you finally see them." (i just can't seem to forget lessons from to kill a mockingbird. it's either the book's really good or i haven't read enough to be able to quote from other books.) i decided i shall force myself to focus on the good side of people now. it's really pointless to keep harping on others' flaws and weaknesses without realising hey, you aren't perfect too. what right do you have then to judge and criticise?

gossips are scary by the way. the power and influence they could have on human minds. who finds it easy to listen to a tall tale about someone and is able to feel neutral about him/her? i remember cai chuan dao saying this. imagine you heard nasty things about someone and you spread it to all the others. when you realise those are nothing but worthless lies, who do you speak to make things right and apologise? it's not just that someone, but the whole load of others whose impressions have changed coz of you. what a simple and unpalatable truth.

well, i sound really melancholic in recent posts but okay lah, i'm just grateful for everything that had come my way. my family, my friends, the environment that i'm in and all the blessings that i have received. precious memories, laughters, joy and even sorrow and pain that had made me stronger. let's be contented and not ask for more. coz life's not gonna be happy this way! :D i need to smile more. as in physically. too many people's been saying i have a black face. NONO no pun intended please.

basking in your sunset at 02:06 a.m.

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xx straighten up little soldier xx
Thursday, February 24, 2005

audio: "Ai Wo Hai Shi Ta" by David Tao

You know, i always go by songs and not artistes. but when it comes to david tao, hmmm, probably not. someone lend me his new cd!

i dont know why but the feeling is returning bit by bit. it might be insecurity. have you ever looked back into the past and ask yourself, was it really me who did this and that? but seriously, who will really sit down and think carefully before every single action? we're constantly compelled into situations that make us react swiftly. and there's emotions to sway and move us. i'm probably facing an identity crisis now. i don't know. wish i can shrug all these insecurities and uncertainties off. i sound like i have a lot of knotty problems at hand, but there's nothing, really. i'm just really lost and not feeling like myself. guess nobody will understand.

and hey, kellyn is right. (wah never knew you could spout such human sense HAHA) we're suffocating with the emptiness that creeps in, yet there really shouldnt be anything more that we should ever ask for. for we already have everything that we ever need. we're just so greedy and uncontented huh?

i just typed my work schedule via email to lilian and said quite a lot of things inside. almost teared typing that! how lame. i just reckon it's really important to treasure those around you. and whenever you feel some things are sinking below the surface, you gotta put your hand in and pull them into vision again. you see, you'll never know if they'll never reappear again. shit like this happen because of your moments of obstinacy. but nobody's gonna give you a time machine to put things right again. sense that tinge of melancholy? but i'm okay, really. strange.

it's probably the stage i'm in now. that hurls me into a puddle of thoughts about life. about people and about the intangibles in life. nothing's in black and white. they come in hues of grey and sometimes, you wonder where you should stand and choose. there's too many parts of life to look after ain't it? once you focus on one, it overshadows other concerns that are just as important. that's why life is never a bed of roses. sometimes you'll say you wish you wouldnt give a damn anymore, but somehow that's just the someone you'll never want to be. i just wish i have a bigger mind and an even bigger heart.

okay la, shall spare any readers anymore of my ramblings and musings. :)

basking in your sunset at 02:00 a.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx we fear how we feel inside xx
Tuesday, February 22, 2005

audio: "Mockingbird" by Eminem

For 69 photos, view here. There were such nostalgic aches as I ran through them.

played badminton with meilin, junwen and seow hong and my body's aching all over now. this spells how more often i should spend my time exercising, doesnt it. shopping at bugis with boon after that and we made several similar purchases. so you'll see us having the same items but in different colours. quite corny actually. but hey, same taste can never go wrong right. visited rachel after that. sigh, poor girl. really hope she'll get well very very soon.

after all the things i've heard, i felt so blessed to be in hwachong. i mean, i've always felt lucky , but never knew this lucky. I just feel that all these are useless struggles that people put up against themselves and all those around there. At an age like this, it’s so silly to be obsessed with such silly revenge and ludicrous ways of getting back at people. Does one really feel no slightest tinge of guilt and regret every time you fabricate such perfect lies at the expense of others’ reputation? How about being totally hypocritical with your friends? You mean your conscience doesn’t get pricked? Gosh, I shudder at the thought of daggers and knives lurking beneath the smiles and apologies. All these are really uncalled for. All you get is emptiness that gnaws at your soul. I just hope, my friend, you're coping well with the complexities.

On another note, I know how scorching and blistering hot the sun has been these days. But I simply love waking up and see how it has made the earth so bright and lovely. The cheery rays of sunlight bouncing off windows and you can easily spot the white fluffy clouds amidst the clear blue sky. Why, you don’t even see a hue of blue in rainy seasons. So we ought to be grateful.

basking in your sunset at 12:41 a.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx open arms xx
Sunday, February 20, 2005

audio: "Open Arms" by Journey

it's been just trains of thoughts. conflicting ones, funny ones, and even morbid ones running through my head these days. no special, stirring emotions. sometimes i wonder if i should be taking this state of peace for granted. i've always dreamt of taking the rollercoaster ride of my life, decorated with dizzy highs and colours of all sorts. you know, as much as the fun-loving side of me is screaming for attention, maybe i should just settle down in my own lil world, all safe and familiar.

chatted with meilin on the phone for three hour plus till 4 am last night. felt so comforted that my fear earlier on was uncalled for and she's still silly as ever. great that everything's still the same. boy, i've been saying that these few days. it's 3 am now and i'm waking up at 6 am tomorrow. so, hmmm, cya.

basking in your sunset at 02:04 a.m.

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xx n dey say xx
Thursday, February 17, 2005

audio: "N Dey Say" by Nelly

A really nice version of the oldie.

It's very sickening. Lately, i just feel like i'm not myself. Don't know who i am anymore. And i kept viewing life from different perspectives. It makes me really confused. I dont know how i'm supposed to see things because my mind keeps flickering to different thoughts and it's really hard to know what i truly want. It doesnt help that i'm supposed to know what course i want to take in the future. Why, i havent the slightest inkling for i havent the slightest interest in anything. There's a serious need for me to immerse in some stuff and distract myself.

On a lighter note, it was pizza, tv and chatting at cheng wei's house. I was highly amused by jillian's coffee bean story. That girl ah..

Work has been fine. Just that it's really quite slack. Haha, i'm overpaid.

Rouge was just very bad. I only have one question to pop: why are all guys like that??

basking in your sunset at 01:20 a.m.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

xx brand new year xx
Friday, February 11, 2005

audio: "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5

Alright, i've gotten a new monitor and to start things anew with a brand new year ahead, i decided to change my layout. Was lazy to make one myself but i had to edit so many things in the end. Love it except for the puddle of blood that oozes out of the gun.

New year eve was lovely. I went back hc with lilian in the morning and though i was initially so excited to wear my hc uniform, we realised it was a rather lame act. We were so out of place! Anyway, i was so glad i went back. It was undescribable to find yourself back in the place you once knew, and realise everything's the way they should be. Met the teachers (we even had a nice lil chat with mr wong) and the juniors. Saw people i haven't met for ages like sanduo! And oh, we were so happy to buy the new hc guys' pe shirt. These few days of meeting people everywhere had me thinking that you don't know how much you miss someone till you finally see him/her. And till you finally see them, you have so much fear that things arent the same anymore. It's a rather sickening convoluted mess of feelings. That's really how i felt with meilin and lilian.

After reunion dinner with my family, we sat down to play mahjong together. We haven't done things like this before! Bumming around, watching tv and doing our own stuff were the norm in the past. And so we played all the way till midnight when we surprised my mum with a birthday cake! I realised i spent such little quality time with my family. Everything's so out of balance.

We spent chu yi afternoon playing mahjong (my mum loves mahjong you see) and went running with my sisters in the evening. Watched the season finale of The Amazing Race and i swear my heart melted when aaron proposed to hayden! It was so sudden and furthermore, hayden was always losing her temper at aaron. But what really took my breath away was when kris and jon were so close to reaching the finishing line and a train had to slowly rumble by and cost them a million bucks, jon told kris it doesn't matter because i have you. Awwwww! I don't mean to sound like a sucker for some cheesy shit but they were so sweet! In fact, they're my favourite contestants coz they never did quarrel throughout the race. So you can say i was a lil sore they didn't win. Oh well, at least they had each other and that's the best prize ever.

As for today, i went to meilin's house after visiting at my grandma's house. Played mahjong with her, san duo, seow hong and siong qun. Had some fun and i realise guys can hit it off really well. The guys were joking and laming around with meilin's brothers like nobody's business! Despite having been to her house umpteen times, it's only today that i realise her big bro can be really amusing and her 2nd bro really nice.

Okkayy, i need my few hours of sleep before prata tomorrow morning. Tatas.

basking in your sunset at 03:21 a.m.

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