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Thursday, March 6, 2003
gosh, it's almost 2 am now! today, or should i say yesterday, was the earliest time i ever got home since the start of the year. uncontrollably, i slept at 6pm and i just awoke from my slumber. i cannot put down into words how exactly i'm feeling now. they say one feels most emotions rushing into your heart late at night, and i reckon that it's true. these few days, i've been so caught up with my school that i hardly have time to rest and sort out my feelings. i used to seek solace in the tranquility of the night, whenever i feel this emptiness is devouring my soul. sadly, tragically, i'm feeling the exact bitter way like how i did last time. i can't help it when my winamp is playing all the sad songs now, can i? it is this very moment that i realise my heart had been dead ever since it was trampled upon.
weird. my entries nowadays are a total drastic change from what it's like in the past. funnily, i seem to be summing up my life with what's left in my dictionary, recollecting the past and letting age catch up on me. no longer the silly rantings of a girl with something missing in her life, but someone living in memories of the past.
i got lost in your rock and roll.
stars crushed at 01:51 a.m. Tuesday, March 4, 2003
here i am again, sitting in front of the computer, trying to register for my new school. the difference, however, is that i was stuck at the same screen for 3 hours for PAE. hwa chong or victoria, a simple click is enough to determine your life. this time, the path seems clear. i'll stay in the same school i suppose, though i can feel the stress within my class creeping up on me already.
charlene just asked me whether the chinese cultural test is on the poems part. my answer was: huhhhh??? there's a chi cultural test??? hmms, there's even poems? -lost- oh yes, i got 6/25 for my econs essay test. that is.. totally pathetic.
it's amazing how someone you know for barely 3 months can affect your one beeg decision in life. wow. no, i'm not referring to myself, but it's amazing huhs?
check out this. it's some jc guide thingy and it's a pretty hilarious site! :D
stars crushed at 09:41 p.m. Monday, March 3, 2003
just went to get supper for myself and i'm bloated, exhausted and sleepy. today's turn out was much better than i've expected, so was the entire outing. was late for 5 minutes and i was, to my surprise, the second last person to arrive! -hides- after some bummin' around the mrt and cold storage, we embarked on our trip to sentosa. the first exciting -coughs- thing that happened was, i was given a kick on my shin. boos, an un-ladylike scar will be formed soon on my already un-ladylike leg with loads of un-ladylike scars. next, we played beach volleyball amidst the glaring sunlight, crouching coconut trees and enthusiasm screamed its ultimate brilliance. poor me and eline were trying to cool our heated feet and before we could even make a 180 degrees turn, we were pushed into the cooling water like two silly ducks. after much struggle, dodges and screams, all of us were "safely" in the water. left early to meet szuyu and i practically wetted the whole bus seat LOL. funnily, we found ourselves seated comfortably in the cinema watching a Roman Polanski film The Pianist. initally, i was dozing off upon the German-British-like English i didn't understand. as the film proceeded, i was introduced to blatant displays of the prosecution of Jews, of how they were imprisoned in a ghetto and slowly exterminated. did i ever mention i have something against prejudice towards the blacks and Jews? Friedrich and To Kill a Mockingbird are both good and inspiring books. the later part of the film mostly featured the lead, the pianist of course, escaping from the clutches of hell again and again. in the end, he miraculously survived. the flick dragged on for 2 hours, leaving in us an intense disgust for Hitler.
the future seems bleak and uncertain to me. i guess it'll be the same anywhere, and the most important thing as someone said before, is to make the best out of where i am now. this isnt a time for regrets, nor should i be having doubts about the path i've chosen. forget about learning about nature, or the field trips outside singapore. true, my blog is sometimes an existing paradox. what can i say? life often contradicts itself.
my eyes are droopy, i feel sleepy. here i go to a better tomorrow, as all the excitement unfolds. don't ask me why i'm trying to rhyme, when i don't even get a dime.
stars crushed at 10:38 p.m. Sunday, March 2, 2003
angst, disappointment, fury [to a minimal] and regret. rights, all the talk about decisions, have i made the right choice after all? not after i see the dead side of people, of how much enthusiasm they've shown in certain aspects and the choking atmosphere they're making me suffocate in. one analysis of a lame excuse: hey my mum don't allow me to own a phone but you can call me at 91234567. of course, this is not the exact excuse but there is implicit meanings towards that exact excuse i was given. another one talks about the geographical location and one can see his fickle mind flickering between parent's strict no-no and friends' stick-together-we-shall-stand. why not a straight NO through sms? that will make your poor friends not having to suffer a large wastage of sms, time and hopes heightened too much. this is seriously the worst planned sentosa outing i've ever seen. faith, snbt, i can still remember around 6 outings altogether. and yes, majority turned up. those absent were either those who had some emergencies or ain't in singapore. rare species were those who did not feel like turning up. sometimes, you gotta spare a thought for people who try so hard to create fun and excitement for everybody. seriously.
but then again, i guess that's how people are like sometimes. Everybody, and it can't be helped. thanks to sinhui though, you cracked me up REAL majorly and made me laugh like a mad woman in front of the computer. that is totally beside the fact that you didn't exactly mean it. :D
geog geog geog. dilemma dilemma dilemma. :/
stars crushed at 10:05 p.m. Friday, February 28, 2003
nostalgic as i was, i finally finished watching the Sec 4 Graduation vcd. that night was most memorable, high-spirited and tears-evoking, i can still vividly remember. Exactly 3 months ago. O levels results was released today and i was tremendously shocked by my score. LOADS of luck and i am truly satisfied. whatever it is, boon and chel, i'm most proud of us! i think you two gonna end up in the same school again, without me bahh. nevertheless, we rock! -rolls eyes- :D went to eat far east chicken rice with them today and took neoprints as well. as we walked on the usual path from school to the bus-stop , we recollected silly moments of us doing REAL silly things. feels like the days spent in hwachong had been a nice dream and today's return to school is like tuning my life back to normal transmission. weird. very weird.
stars crushed at 09:54 p.m. Thursday, February 27, 2003
had a great time playing basketball with bernard duckie eric rachel sinhui in the evening today. everybody were, i feel, suffocating in this mild depressing atmosphere today. yes, the results tomorrow. i've grown attached to the school already and i just can't imagine not being able to sit at the class benches, or walk around the school compound during lectures. Hehs.
i've been having this question in my head: is it really THAT important to be IN the crowd? i beg to differ. and sometimes, it jsut doesn't pay to be nice isn't it?
stars crushed at 10:49 p.m. Monday, February 24, 2003
it's not as if i haven't fell like this before. it's just that i'll never allow myself to fall again, activating a rush of painful memories. never, never let reality come crashing down me like pouring acid onto a wound.
i realise the choices i've made in life always make me regret initially, but i'll eventually demolish the thinking that i've chosen the wrong path. firstly, i chose 2 pure instead of 3 pure for fear that i won't be able to get in. i've got my choice with much regret. tried appealing but it was unsuccessful. in the end, i've gotten into the best class i'd ever have and in there, i've met and grown closer to the craziest bunch of people ever. some who will remain in my heart for a long long time. [u know who u are :D] next, my dream school has always been vj and yet i chose hc over vj, reason remains uncertain. i've regretted my choice even till first 2 days of school, and now i'm glad i made it here. imagine i've chosen the geog phy combi, i wouldn't even be in 69. the next time i feel like i regret making such a choice, i hope it'll be another blessing in disguise. thank God, very much.
Super Mario gave us a small talk today. he commented that even if we get straight 10 As but we ill-behave, he will not welcome us into the team. while saying this, he kept staring menacingly at me as if he'd heard of me and whatever i did. -shudders- he went on to spout more rubbish about him not bothering to try to know some people, nuff` said. i slowly drifted away into my thoughts, before me the stout funny figure still yakking away. surfing porn, pretty girls, posing an air of superiority. i wonder why i never get much luck when coming to badminton teachers.
WOW! ever heard of a phone with a calorie counter and thermometer? go click here
Lady Luck, shine upon me for tm's cross country and wednesday's release of results. sighs.
stars crushed at 10:27 p.m. Sunday, February 23, 2003
i miss -breathes- boon chel jess szuyu sin sa han mich kai virn simin lyd pris sha del mian dac tav kang yuying :(
someone asked me yesterday, isnt it better if life was just in one setting with the same friends? NO i don't mean i don't like my new friends but it gets pretty saddening seeing how good friends turn to mere acquaintances, and acquaintances eventually become strangers. you say hi, and inevitably a bye as you struggle to churn out any words. conversations can get real painful. circumstances like these haven't emerge yet, not for a long time. however, as we get older and let time wear us out, we soon grow to learn there are no forevers. a beginning spells an end, and an end marks another beginning. you can keep nothing but memories, some fragile memories that can get hidden at one corner of your brain. you can't revive them, nor will things ever be the same again. no i'm not sad, nor am i trying to sound like i am. Just some random thoughts. :/
stars crushed at 07:49 p.m. Saturday, February 22, 2003
cry me a river
yesterday's Dramafest was a great success. it was highly entertaining, impressive and full of spirit! i have not wasted my 4 bucks after all. all faculties' performances were good, let's put it this way. i was really impressed by the hwa chongians' acting skills, especially the best actress and the best supporting actress! :D the whole auditorium were filled with much laughter and applause, though sometimes it can be quite boring. i bet if SIN is there, she would have ran out of the LT or faint on the spot due to some "elvis presley" factor. hahahaha sheesh i'm cracking myself up. bahh. saw old girls like my shifu at taka yesterday, and chio as ever chunlin at the play! hmms, reached home just a little before midnight and i was dead beat.
today's JTS was really.. filling. LOL we were all stuffing ourselves and making loads of rounds at Congress today. i had much fun laughing away, stuffing oranges [the real small kind] into people -hides-, taking photographs and of course, eating. we went to sky graden after that but i didn't have much chance to gaze at the velvet sky dotted with pretty little stars. i saw the Orion constellation
though! hmmms, or so i THINK. three stars in a line create the belt in Orion's constellation. we all started some karaoke sessions, conveniently interrupting the many couples there. :) i am drained of all energy and i'm seeing stars...
it took me by surprise
when i saw you standing there,
close enough to touch,
breathing the same air.
u asked me how i'd been,
i guess thats when i smiled and said just fine.
oh, but baby i was lying.
what i really meant to say
is i'm dying here inside,
and i miss you more each day.
there's not a night i havent cried,
and baby here's the truth.
i'm still in love with you.
that's what i really meant to say.
and as you walked away,
the echo of my words,
cuts just like a knife,
cuts so deep it hurts.
i held back the tears,
held on to my pride and watched you go.
i wonder if you'll ever know.
stars crushed at 11:23 p.m. Thursday, February 20, 2003
today was a series of bad events. firstly, the attempt to go Coro during chinese cultural failed because we were caught by the funny Smurf man just before we were about to step out of the school compound! i just stood there, listening to all the lies mixed with bits and pieces of truths. next, we went to the library because we thought it was chem tutorial. it was only after 10 min of comfy bummin' around when we realised it's actually econs tutorial! gosh, we went around the whole school trying to find the classroom hidden away at a small corner and we were really late for the much dreaded econs essay test. Tweety Bird said we were supposed to write around 4 sides but i only wrote 2 sides, including loads of repetitions and this really huge PPC Curve. -gags- next, Smurf man actually told her about us but she of course, believed our fabricated tales. LOL. PE was next and we had to run at Macritchie [spelling?] reservoir. thank God it was not as intimidating as i thought. the last unlucky thing that happened was i actually waited like a goon at the bus stop from 7:15 to 8:05 for a stupid bus that usually comes in every 10 minutes. not to mention, the bus stop was infested with flies [yes i ran 3.2 km] and they obviously loved me so much. and oh goodness, i witnessed a lizard stretching out to gobble and chew and feast on this fly/mosquito/moth even bigger than its head. it can jolly well be featured on the Discovery channel! on second thoughts, the bad day is ending, and good things shall come my way! what an utterly meaningless entry.. Hehs. :D
stars crushed at 09:28 p.m. Sunday, February 16, 2003
"The mighty structure is put on every morning, when she gets out of the shower the barricade is up. No one can glimpse the hollowness in her eyes, the starving of her soul, the atrophy of her heart. But, at the end of the day, when the city sleeps away, the hollowness returns. Her shoulders loosen, crushed by an unseen force. The pain returned, bringing along with it despair and anguish.
Her nightly sojourn climaxes in the release from reality's tenuous grip."
stars crushed at 08:25 p.m. Saturday, February 15, 2003
took a trip to compass point just now and whoa. the new Sengkang mrt station looked really impressive and the bus interchange had changed location into a new fully air-conditioned one. laadeedums.
hmms, some curt remarks kind of cut me just now. things are getting worse. soon, dreams will swirl and rise, forming a pool of lonely tears. the world remains cold and harsh, and hark? who's there to reach out a hand? Loneliness is filling Emptiness slowly, and h a h a i'm laughing at all the ironies littering every aspect of life. situations are getting difficult i wish the floor will open up and swallow me. or turn back time? such are the impossible.
// You were my sun
stars crushed at 11:08 p.m. Friday, February 14, 2003
i was about to start ranting about how sucky the last part of today was. feelings of angst, disappointment and loneliness merged as one, so overwhelming i could even taste the bitterness on my tongue. that was until i read
my 2 silly mortals' letters which cheered me up, and definitely lightened listening to the cd sinhui burnt for me. after all, it could be self-induced negativity striking again? :/ on a lighter tone, i received really niceeeeee presents from sweeet people today! :D that includes this LOVELY heart-shaped box with interesting contents inside LOL, a really nice pair of chopsticks from bean, a starry-moon bracelet, black halter with the word angel sequinned across, rabbit necklace, mashi maro in a bottle and moRRRe... just realised there's already 2 items associated with rabbit, oh God tell me why.. hmmms, i just realised my melancholic strike comes and goes like a bolt of lightning, strong but fast. oh wells. i shall end that part here.
Wednesday was spent fruitfully because i finally met up with boon and chel the bimbos! :))))) the last time we 3 met was like erms christmas? hee, as the usual bimbotic them and sensible -coughs- me, we all got excited and were talking at high voices when we first saw one another. :D went all around town and of course, took neoprint [our favourite past time]. the only purchase of the day was a pair of earrings from future state which's actually quite heavy. :/ i miss the times the 3 of us shared!
// Don’t wanna close the door
stars crushed at 11:02 p.m. Wednesday, February 12, 2003
sin's sudden decision shocked us tremendously today. on the other hand, i'm full of admiration for her. how many people can actually stand out and make decisions on their own, especially such big ones that affect your life? it's hard to pluck up courage and pursue your interests, especially in a fine city like Singapore. during GP today, we watched this video clip on singaporean ah bengs, which kind of makes me probe deeper into imagining my future which spells uncertainty and gloom. you grow up, study hard, go into society, work hard, get married, have kids and wait for death. just Typical. perhaps it only appeals to people like me, who has no ambition, no goals and lets nature takes its course. if only i knew where my interest lies, i would consider poly, where i can strive towards my goal already. sin, no matter what decision you make, make 100% sure you confirm that's what you wanna do and gonna do. me and sh are always behind you! :D though, it means one less gossip partner plus horse supporter. hee
the night fell heavy on her tonight. she struggled to keep her eyes open, yet oblivious to the surroundings. fleeting dreams were whirling in her head. she continued fantasizing, while cursing this ruined life under her breath. Take me somewhere, she said to her illusory prince.
// She's taking her time making up the reasons
stars crushed at 12:19 a.m.
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succumbed to crumbs of my fantasies.
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